[Sporking] The Plus One of RWBY - Chapter 11 part 1
[Fufu]: FINAL CHAPTER PEOPLE, WOO! NO TIME TO LOSE, WE AIN’T DILLY DALLYING! WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME? WHO THE FUCK CARES, SHIT HAPPENED! NOW LET’S GO GO GO!
[Kirby]: LET’S GET THIS THING DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Fufu]: OH RIGHT AND WE’VE GOT A GUEST WITH US!
[Talon]: Hello~ Those of you following this sporking would have already seen me comment as ”talonicefire”. But for this chapter, I am being dragged in to help stab this dreck with sporks.
[Kirby]: GREETINGS COMRADE! YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE SHOW, CORRECT?
[Talon]: That is correct. I’m walking into this horror blind as to speak.
[Kirby]: YOU’VE READ UP TO CHAPTER 8 OF OUR SPORK THOUGH.
[Fufu]: THAT’S- *cough* ow, my throat. Well, that’s good enough. It’s the first season at least.
[Kirby]: This chapter we’re about to do covers the end of volume two! We’ll fill you in where necessary. Let’s jam!
[Talon]: Looking forward to it. *prepares the sporks*
[Fufu]: Let us break out the epic climax music!
~*~*~
Next chapter, loading, aiming, fire!
[Talon]:
[Fufu]: Well, he has asked for it~ :3
Edit: Laziness hit me hard for the canon part of this and I am so incredibly sorry I just couldn't do it! I hope you don't hate it.
[Fufu]: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; that really does say a lot about this story and how you treat it.
[Talon]: Why is the Stuthor bothering to tell us this like it’s something new? This entire fic has been lazy from the get go!
Disclaimer: There are few things that I own, RWBY is not one of them, nor is anything else I reference or name in this fic, I only own the OC. YOU JUST GOT DISCLAIMED!
[Kirby]: If you’re not gonna add “MOTHERFUCKER!” to the end of that, then there’s really no point.
[Fufu]: Dammit, author, its the final chapter and you missed a trick. You are officially a lost cause.
Chapter 11: Mountain Glenn
[CUT - THE STUPID THEME SONG!!!]
[Kirby]: Oh my Odacchi, Talon hasn’t seen that yet.
[Fufu]: Let’s leave it as a surprise for when the chapter containing it does get posted~.
[Talon]: … Something tells me that I really don’t want to know.
The girls were still dumfounded so AJ was the only one of team RWBY capable of speech at the moment.
[Fufu]: Of course he fucking was.
"You go on missions still!?" AJ asked the professor who started pacing and talking at his fast pace that AJ understood easily.
[Fufu]: Of course AJ fucking understands Oobleck’s speed speak.
[Kirby]: Everyone does.
[Fufu]: Ah, but we have to make the distinction that AJ could understand it.
[Kirby]: Fucking special snowflake.
They all did by this point actually, they had been in his classes a lot by this point.
[Kirby]: Seriously, he’s not hard to understand.
[Fufu]: Too much repetition of “this point”, it’s off putting.
[Talon]: So what was the point in that sentence before mentioning how Boy understands Oobleck’s speech easily? If it’s something this mundane there’s no need to put it in!
"Yes of course I do! I am a Huntsman! The one you are shadowing in fact! And those bags won't be necessary since this is essentially a reconnaissance mission!" Oobleck said. 'I thought this was a Search and Destroy mission.'
[Kirby]: I think Ozpin probably explained the situation to Dr. Oobleck; you are looking for the White Fang in a hostile territory full of Grimm. Ergo, it’s a reconnaissance mission where you’ll inevitably be fighting Grimm.
[Talon]: I do so love how when being told it’s a reconnaissance mission, his reaction is to sulk because he was hoping to kill someone. And you know that’s exactly what this is, because thus far, his reaction to anything that “crosses” him is to try kill them.
[Fufu]: Not to mention he will purposefully hunt down Grimm to maul whenever he’s angry and needs to let off steam. For all they’re a murderous species that feeds off negative emotions and seeks to kill humans just because they’re bloodthirsty and unthinking animals, it actually makes me pity them since he just hunts them down and kills them without provocation.
[Talon]: It’s sad if you’re actually making me question who the real monster here is when one is a bloodthirsty species without a conscience and the other is a tantruming brat who does have a conscience but is still just as bloodthirsty.
"We will not be establishing a single base of operations, we will be traversing several miles of hazardous wasteland, and making camp at any suitable locations we may stumble upon! I factored over the essentials myself! Plotted the course and readied the airship! AND!" Oobleck paused before getting in Weiss's face. "It's Doctor Oobleck! I didn't get the PhD for fun, thank you very much!" Oobleck finished.
[Kirby]: I friggin love Dr. Oobleck.
[Talon]: Hold on, have I missed something here? *checks back up* No, I haven’t. This is the first time Weiss was mentioned in this chapter, so where the hell did that retort Oobleck gave come from?
[Fufu]: Well, she called him professor at the end of the previous chapter. As for the show, I can’t quite recall.
[Kirby]: In the show, the very first line of the episode was Weiss saying “Professor Oobleck?” like she couldn’t believe that he was who they were going on this dangerous mission with, prompting his correction.
[Talon]: I don’t care. In this fic, it has come out of nowhere. The Stuthor can’t just throw a line like that in because it was said in the series when he hasn’t written a single mention of Weiss disrespecting Oobleck’s title in this chapter, nor has it been established that this is a running gag for Weiss to do throughout this fic.
[Fufu]: That is true. And as I did in chapter 7, I’ll pretend that transcribing canon is a fair practise in order to say that for this gag to make sense to the reader - since it probably has been a while since they’d read the last chapter and they probably won’t be constantly re-reading it while waiting for the next one - it would be better to fit both episodes into the same chapter. Granted, you’d have to be a good writer to make the transition between episodes fit, since the episodes have the advantage of...well, being episodes with cliffhangers, but the author isn’t a good writer so… really, we can’t win here.
[Talon]: As it stands, this is just poor writing and the ruining of a good joke.
[Fufu]: Pretty much. :/
"Uuh…" Was all Weiss got out before Oobleck spoke again.
"Come now children! According to our schedule we are ready ([Talon]: *already) three minutes behind…schedule!" And suddenly Oobleck was all the way over at the ship…
[Kirby]: BECAUSE HE RUNS REALLY FAST! IT’S NOT A MYSTERY HOW HE GOT THERE!
"O…K….." AJ said with a sigh. He was around the Doc a lot more than RWBY was and even he had to sigh at how far he went in a blink of an eye.
[Fufu]: Shove your Only Sane Man troping up your ass. And of course AJ spends more time with the staff than he does with the students. Cause he’s got connections, dammit.
"Well alright then! We're gonna save the world with Doctor Oobleck okay yaHoly (bleep) on a (bleep) sandwich when you say it out loud it sounds worse…" Ruby said and the rest of the girls hung their heads down.
[Talon]: Fuck it, I’m sick of reading “ya” being used as “yeah” for everyone.
[Fufu]: The author’s actually missed out how she said this. She started off all excited like “Come on, it won’t be so bad!” only to then trail off and slow down as she realised, “Yeah, this probably won’t be fun.”
AJ grabbed Blake's hand, not even noticing it had slipped out. "Look, I've seen him fight,
[Kirby]: Is this another Noodle Incident? I don’t remember it.
[Fufu]: ...Yes, we haven’t seen this, but in all honesty, if I wanted to be nice, I’d let this one slip since it has been established - and reinforced right there actually - that AJ does know the staff members, so it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to think that he would know how they fight. If I wanted to be nice that is. As it stands, I wouldn’t give him this.
trust me when I say we are in good hands." AJ said reassuringly. (I just realized the pun there, no pun intended)
[Kirby]: Barbara would be ashamed.
[Fufu]: ...I don’t even think that would count as a pun? Unless it's referencing their stupid relationship or some shit.
[Talon]: For once you’re right Stuthor, no pun intended because there is no pun here! Unless you mean to say that Boy was talking about himself here, which is utterly arrogant of him.
"Save the world!?" Nora called out as JNPR walked up to them. "You're going on world saving missions without us!? I'm hurt! Sad! Maybe a little hungry? That last one's not your fault though… Ren!" Nora said glaring at Ren who crossed his arms in response.
[Kirby]: He also turned away with his nose in the air, it was somewhat funny. I do wonder what happened that prevented Ren from feeding Nora, though.
[Fufu]: Maybe they were running late for their lessons so he made her skip breakfast or she could only eat half or have a smaller than usual breakfast? On another note, this is another scenario where the AJ inclusion sticks out like a sore thumb once canon takes back over. People would probably wonder what Nora is talking about since we’ve now moved on from Ruby’s sentence.
"Sounds exciting! Where ya going?" Jaune asked.
"Oh, just outside the kingdom." Ruby replied.
"Hey! So are we!" Nora pointed out.
"Ren and Nora wanted to shadow the sheriff of a nearby village." Pyrrha explained.
"We set out tomorrow." Ren added.
[Talon]: Oh wow, I’m so excited by this exchange. Isn’t it all so exciting? You can just feel the tension and excitement coming off the narrative! This doesn’t at all feel completely lifted from the anime.
[Talon]:
"Then you can party with us tonight!" Neptune said as he and Sun jumped out next to them.
[Talon]: Oh look who jumped out of the rift in this white void we’re constantly in!
[Kirby]: Oh ya, Talon meet Neptune. He’s one of Sun’s teammates. He has self-esteem issues and a gun that turns into a trident.
[Talon]: It’s nice to meet you, Neptune! And I apologise in future for whatever Boy will do to you, because he seems to target any character that has self-esteem issues.
"We're shadowing a crime specialist! All inner-city detective stuff. We get junior badges." Neptune said and Jaune's eyes sparkled in envy.
[Kirby]: Jaune went full anime in envy.
[Talon]: “Sparkled in envy”? I don’t normally associate envy with the description “eyes sparkled in/with”. Usually I expect a positive emotion associated with sparkling eyes.
[Kirby]: In the show it was more of a “that’s so cool!” expression.
[Talon]: Great. Now I can’t tell if the Stuthor genuinely mixed awe and envy up as emotions, or if he’s just bashing Jaune.
"We normally go to the city with you guys. Which means stuff's always exploding and junk." Sun said.
"It was one time!… Okay, two times! But-" AJ started.
[Kirby]: Well, two times since they met Sun, at least.
"Four minutes!" Oobleck called out from the waiting airship.
"Sorry, gotta go." AJ said pointing over his shoulder.
"Wish us luck!" Ruby said as they turned away from Beacon.
[Fufu]: ...And I will confess that that was actually a semi-decent inclusion. Too bad it’s come too late in this fic for me to appreciate it.
[Kirby]: Well, except that the author doesn’t specify who ‘they’ are. For all we know, Sun, Neptune and JNPR decided to come along with.
[Talon]: Now I’ve just gotten this mental image of Sun, Neptune and JNPR walking away, and Ruby still standing in front of Beacon, smiling happily as she says that. Only for Yang or Weiss to remind her that she’s meant to be the one going along this mission =’D
"I guess I just never saw you as much of a fighter!" Yang said. They were in the ship now as it flew towards their destination.
"I'll admit I fancy myself as more of an, intellectual but I assure you, I've seen my fair share of tussles!" Oobleck explained.
"Like the mushroom?" Ruby asked.
"Those are truffles." Blake corrected.
Ruby turned to Yang. "Like the sprout?"
"Those are brussels." Yang corrected.
[Talon]: I’m genuinely surprised that Boy didn’t try to insert himself into this joke or thought it was stupid enough to snark at it, thus ruining the joke.
"Besides, given my expertise in the field of history, as well as my dabbling's ([Kirby]: No apostrophe) in the archeological survey's ([Kirby]: Here too.) our dear headmaster saw it fit to assign me to this particular, assignment!" Oobleck said.
"What does history have to do with this?" Weiss asked.
"Why what a preposterous question you silly girl! Why history is the backbone of our very society!" Oobleck said.
"Seriously Weiss, there's history in everything." AJ said.
[Talon]: Well, except in you, as your Stuthor couldn’t be arsed to come up with a proper backstory for you. Yes, I went there.
Oobleck hadn't actually stopped speaking when AJ had started.
[Fufu]: Even Oobleck doesn’t want to acknowledge him. Though let’s be fair here, this is another case where the author can’t make AJ’s inclusion fit in smoothly with canon.
"And the liver! And probably the kidneys if I were to wager!" Oobleck rambled.
"And that means?…" Weiss asked.
"The Southeast quadrant of Vale is home to wild forests and deep caves, but, it is also the location of one of the kingdoms ([Kirby]: This one does need an apostrophe) greatest failures!" Oobleck said.
"Mountain Glenn." Ruby answered.
"That's right! It was an expansion of Vale!" Yang realized.
"Oh yamy voice gives me super strength! That! In the end though it ended up being fenced away from the rest of the city. Overrun by Grimm…" AJ added.
[Fufu]: I love how AJ starts off the sentence; it sounds like he was just remembering, “Oh right, that’s a thing,” and he has to try and act like he knows the history of this world he’s in. Cause yeah, just a teeeeeeensy reminder for all the fair readers out there that AJ still isn’t from this world.
[Talon]: I’m opening the bets. Who wants to put their money on this being another shot at Weiss? Because of course, Boy has to know all about this world’s history, particularly after shaming Weiss for not considering it important.
[Fufu]: Actually, I just recalled now that AJ’s actually crimped this line off Yang. She said it originally, and it was another piece of exposition.
"Correct you three! Now it stands abandoned! As a dark reminder." Oobleck said.
[Kirby]: One might almost say… A Grimm reminder. Ehhhhhhhhh?!!!
[Fufu]:
[Kirby]: That which kills me only makes me stronger.
"And a likely place for a hideout." Blake added.
Oobleck smirked and adjusted his glasses. "Precisely!"
They eventually were hovering just over a road in the abandoned city and they all jumped out. Yang, weapons ready, then Blake, hand on the grip of her weapon, AJ with his fists,
[Fufu]: Cause fuck using a weapon like everyone else in this world.
[Kirby]: Poor Bob, his sacrifice was pointless to the end.
[Fufu]: He did deserve better. He needs his own fic, detailing his life before his death. It was probably epic.
[Talon]: I said this in a comment, and I will say it again: what was the point of being given a weapon? He’s either copying other people’s weapons or he’s using his speshul-er than thou’s powahs n skillz. Why did he need a sword?
Weiss with her weapon out, and Ruby with her's out as well. Then Oobleck landed behind AJ and simply took a drink from his thermos.
"Alright! You still may be students, but as of this moment your first mission as Huntsman and Huntresses in training has begun! From this point forward, you need to do exactly as I say!" Oobleck said before looking at Ruby. "Ruby! I thought I told you to leave the bag back at school."
"Well you hadn't told us to listen to you yet… so I didn't…" Ruby said.
"…She's not wrong…" Oobleck said to himself. "Very well then Ruby! Leave the bag and we can come pick it upon our return." Ruby stuttered a response.
[Fufu]: Which was? You can’t just say she did a thing which required vocalisation, but then not show it.
"Young lady! What in the world could you possibly have in that bag that is so import-" Oobleck stopped talking when Zwei poked his head out of the bag.
[Kirby]: And there was a moment of silence as everyone contemplated the absurdity of the situation.
"Get back in the bag…" Ruby whispered to Zwei in the silence. Zwei barked in response.
"Ruby, we are in an abandoned urban jungle full of death and hostility… and you brought… a dog?" Oobleck asked. Ruby stuttered out another response. "GENIOUS!" ([Fufu]: Dafuq is that extra ‘o’ doing in there?) Oobleck yelled and took Zwei right out of the bag.
[Talon]: So did Ruby stutter “genius” (with an “o” because that’s how true a genius spells it!) then Oobleck yelled in joy like a little girl because he saw a cute puppy? Because that is how this scene is being presented to me.
"Canines are historically known for their excellent nose and acute sense of sound! Making them excellent companions for hunts such as ours!"
"I'm a genius!" Ruby said proudly and everyone but Blake face palmed.
[Fufu]: ?? *looks at Kirby*
[Kirby]: Well, Yang and Weiss facepalmed in canon.
"So, what are your orders Doctor?" Blake asked.
[Talon]: Oobleck: “There is only one way to save a fic that has been infected this severely. Nurse, hand me the spork. We’ll need to do an immediate fallacectomy to remove the Stu!”
"Ah! Yes! Straight to the chase! I like it!" Oobleck said before promptly dropping Zwei. "As you've been informed, the Southeast has been marked as a recent hotspot for Grimm activity! One possible explanation for this behavior would be, Grimm." Oobleck said suddenly stopping all speech.
"Grimm causing Grimm? What? Can you try that again?" AJ asked.
[Talon]: Whaaaat? Boy actually didn’t understand something immediately and is not bragging about it. It’s a miracle!
"Grimm. A creature of Grimm, approximately one hundred yards from us, at this very moment." Oobleck stated looking past them.
"Huh?" They all said turning to where he was looking and seeing a lone Beowolf.
"Oh that's what you meant!" AJ said
[Fufu]: Come on, AJ, fucking keep up! This is why he doesn’t fit in here, cause in the show, the girls just instantly jumped into ready stances in case they needed to fight. Here, we have to wait for AJ to go, “Duuuuuuur, oh yeah.”
[Talon]: *looks below* I’ll wager the only reason that Boy didn’t go kill happy is because Oobleck is going to tell everyone to stop.
while RWBY pulled out their weapons.
"Stop." Oobleck ordered and the girls all lowered their weapons. "There a number of reasons why Grimm would congregate in an area, most likely of which would be their attraction to negativity. Sadness, envy, loneliness, depression, hatred. All qualities that
[Talon]: Oobleck: “the Stu here exemplifies. Therefore, if we want any hope of successfully infiltrating the area without being detected, we’ll have to leave the Stu behind to serve as a distraction.”
are likely held by our group harboring ill intent." Oobleck explained.
"So what now?" Ruby asked.
"We wait. We track. If this specimen leads us to its pack that pack may subsequently lead us to our prey." Oobleck answered.
"How long will that take?" Yang said not liking the idea of going slow and not shooting and punching stuff.
"It's uncertain. Hours, days, weeks. Why lone Grimm have been known to stay separated from the pack for months, And there's the whole pack!" Oobleck suddenly said.
"Huh?" AJ said looking back at the Grimm and seeing a whole lot more of them. "Ah! When!?"
[Fufu]: Insert line here about how he’s ruining another joke.
"And now they've seen us." Oobleck said simply.
"What?" Weiss asked concerned.
Oobleck thought she didn't hear him. "AND NOW THEY'VE SEEN US!" Oobleck yelled.
"So what do we do now?" Ruby asked.
"Show me what you're capable of." Oobleck responded.
[Talon]: *cracks knuckles* Oh, I definitely will be, Doctor Oobleck.
[Talon]: Just a fair warning to you readers, these fight scenes are going to contain a lot of ranting. As writing action scenes is something that I consider the most fun part for myself, it utterly infuriates me when I see such horrendous and lazily written action scenes. So I will be pointing out every issue I have with this scene.
AJ charged into the group with his Aura flowing and started one-hit-knockout-ing every Beowolf that got near him, he consciously or unconsciously ([Talon]: *subconsciously) stayed closer to Blake than to anyone else. He saw Blake using her semblance and cutting Grimm in half so he focused on the three moving towards him.
[Talon]: We’ve only just got into this scene and the Stuthor’s already messing it up. First, if Boy’s Aura is flowing then that indicates he’s using a significant amount of it. Considering how if one’s Aura level goes into the red, they could die, you should not be using it willy nilly, especially in the first fight! You have no idea how long this mission is going to take, nor how many Grimm you will be fighting in that time. So conserve your damn Aura!
[Talon]: Second, one-hit-knockout-ing is not a word, nor will it catch on.
[Fufu]: Also, just one other thing I noticed here; he has to stick close to Blake. Because even though she can clearly take care of herself and has been doing so for years since before she ever met AJ, he has to keep an eye on his lady, make sure she doesn’t get hurt. Nevermind that Ruby is the youngest in the team or that Weiss is the weakest defensively (Not that Weiss would appreciate him jumping to her rescue, especially given how he treated her) so it’d make more sense to stick closer to them if he’s looking to defend someone. Nope; he has to stick by his lady love.
[Talon]: Yes, and that is point three. There’s also the fact that it hinders Blake’s ability to fight. Having someone constantly this close to you in battle when your fighting style revolves around avoiding being hit could very well leave the person near you unintentionally taking a hit that you avoided.
[Talon]: Blake doesn’t need his protection, nor is it at all beneficial for her when she’ll be fine enough to dodge most of the attacks from the Grimm. If anything, he’s just going to add the worry of her having to make sure he’s not too close if she’s going to Shadow through an attack, just so he won’t get hit instead.
[Talon]: Furthermore, Boy being so close to Blake when he tends to Aurasplode when he doesn’t get his way is detrimental to her safety! What happens if something were to happen to provoke an Aurasplosion or worse - don’t forget he has a demon side too - and it happens so suddenly that Blake has no time to get away from it? You know she’s too busy actually fighting Grimm to be watching Boy’s condition to notice this before it happens.
[Talon:] Fifth… or sixth… oh to hell with it, I’ve lost count: you cannot be both conscious and unconscious (which you actually mean to say subconsciously) of a fact. If you’re consciously aware of it, then you know you’re doing it. If you’re not, then you are not aware that you’re doing it. You cannot be both aware of something you’re doing but at the same time not aware of that same thing.
[Talon]: Lastly, if Boy was so effortlessly knocking Grimm out with a single punch, then why does he need to focus on three coming towards him more than he focused on the other Grimm? Are these Grimm a higher level than the other Grimm he’s defeated? Are these the mini-boss squad Grimm and the rest were just underlevelled mooks? Explain why these three in particular need the special attention!
He punched the first one and killed it. He ([Talon]: *The) second one clawed at him and he leaned out of the way to dodge before returning the favor with his own claws and cutting off the arm that struck at him before quickly unsheathing Nipzona and taking its head off. He used the sword to divert the claws of the third and cut it in half with a horizontal swing and sheathed his sword.
[Talon]: Firstly, you go to the effort of highlighting that these three Grimm are special enough to deserve an “indepth” description of how they’ll be defeated. And the way you kill the first one is to punch it… like you had been doing with the others. This is unnecessary. If you have to bring attention to an opponent in a sea of mooks, then it should be because either your character is doing something different to them that is worth noting, or that opponent has done something that is worth noting for the story. In this case, you don’t have either, so there was no point to bring attention to this one Grimm.
[Talon]: Adding to that first point, simply saying you “punched” something to kill it doesn’t give me any such image that these things are difficult to fight. Boy doesn’t have super strength, isn’t wearing gauntlets like Yang is, and isn’t being described as using Aura or some other power to provide a megaton punch. As far as I can tell, he’s hitting these things as hard as my granny, and she can’t even punch because of her stroke!
[Talon]: Secondly, that second sentence has too much going on in it. Let me point out how many different actions are actually being described in it: 1) The attack from the second Grimm; 2) Boy dodging it; 3) Boy counterattacks; 4) Boy rips an arm off in the process; 5) Boy draws his sword; 6) Boy beheads the Grimm.
[Talon]: ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD NOT HAVE THAT MUCH GOING ON IN ONE PARAGRAPH! Let alone in one sentence! Generally, you don’t go pass three separate actions for a paragraph in a fight scene because paragraphs should be kept short to give a sense of speed to these actions. If you’re talented, you can get away with it if you know how to relate all actions to seem like one effortless action. But this Stuthor is FAR from being anywhere near that skilled.
[Talon]: Thirdly, that sentence itself is just stupid! If Boy was capable of punching out the Grimm before without trouble, why bring the claws out NOW? All this Grimm has done differently than the others is that it actually tried to claw Boy. Considering punching a Grimm to death has worked so far, there was no reason to assume that punching this Grimm wouldn’t work as well. We have not been shown Boy attempting to punch this Grimm and failing, prompting him to try something else. No, instead this reeks of Boy being spiteful and wanting gore because this Grimm dare to try attack him!
[Talon]: And this point applies to the damn sword. Again, there was really no reason why your claws weren’t good enough to hack that Grimm up. In fact, after ripping the Grimm’s arm off, you clearly had the advantage! You could have finished the Grimm off with your claws, but you didn’t. Nothing was stopping you from doing so. And if I recall correctly in an earlier chapter, Boy’s claws are somehow stronger than his sword (ignoring all logic, as this fic does). So there’s even less of a point to downgrade to your sword.
[Talon]: Fourth, in that moment Boy drew his sword, the third Grimm should have killed him. It takes a considerable amount of skill to learn to draw your sword fast enough to have it also prepared to attack within that instant. It’s also not something you’d just learn while sword fighting naturally. It’s a skill you’d need to take conscious effort to hone. So in this moment, Boy was presenting an opening, and while I will be decent enough to allow that the second Grimm was too busy recovering from the shock of having its arm ripped out, there was nothing to stop the third Grimm from using this opening to attack.
[Talon]: Fifth, only after beheading the second Grimm does Boy acknowledge that the third Grimm was there. What? Was the third Grimm kindly sitting there waiting for Boy to finish the first two Grimm before taking its turn to attack? Here’s a hint, Stuthor: THIS ISN’T A TURN BASE GAME! Your opponent is NOT going to simply stand in line and allow you to kill off all their buddies before they attack.
[Talon]: Now I will be fair and assess that what the Stuthor was aiming for is that Boy simply moves too fast for the Grimm to keep up to even react. However, the way he writes constantly slows the pace of the scene. Note that I pointed out six different actions occurring in one sentence. Unless Boy is the Flash, it’s simply not possible for all that to be done only for the last Grimm to react after all that had happened. Unless you mention that Boy has done this before any of the Grimm could move, I’m expecting all of this to be moving at a speed that is physically achievable to the average human.
[Talon]: Also, that third Grimm was supposedly running towards Boy to attack him in the previous paragraph. How am I supposed to get a sense of urgency if it takes an entire paragraph before that third Grimm finally does something?
[Kirby]: LET’S GET THIS THING DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Fufu]: OH RIGHT AND WE’VE GOT A GUEST WITH US!
[Talon]: Hello~ Those of you following this sporking would have already seen me comment as ”talonicefire”. But for this chapter, I am being dragged in to help stab this dreck with sporks.
[Kirby]: GREETINGS COMRADE! YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE SHOW, CORRECT?
[Talon]: That is correct. I’m walking into this horror blind as to speak.
[Kirby]: YOU’VE READ UP TO CHAPTER 8 OF OUR SPORK THOUGH.
[Fufu]: THAT’S- *cough* ow, my throat. Well, that’s good enough. It’s the first season at least.
[Kirby]: This chapter we’re about to do covers the end of volume two! We’ll fill you in where necessary. Let’s jam!
[Talon]: Looking forward to it. *prepares the sporks*
[Fufu]: Let us break out the epic climax music!
Click to view~*~*~
Next chapter, loading, aiming, fire!
[Talon]:
[Fufu]: Well, he has asked for it~ :3
Edit: Laziness hit me hard for the canon part of this and I am so incredibly sorry I just couldn't do it! I hope you don't hate it.
[Fufu]: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; that really does say a lot about this story and how you treat it.
[Talon]: Why is the Stuthor bothering to tell us this like it’s something new? This entire fic has been lazy from the get go!
Disclaimer: There are few things that I own, RWBY is not one of them, nor is anything else I reference or name in this fic, I only own the OC. YOU JUST GOT DISCLAIMED!
[Kirby]: If you’re not gonna add “MOTHERFUCKER!” to the end of that, then there’s really no point.
[Fufu]: Dammit, author, its the final chapter and you missed a trick. You are officially a lost cause.
Chapter 11: Mountain Glenn
[CUT - THE STUPID THEME SONG!!!]
[Kirby]: Oh my Odacchi, Talon hasn’t seen that yet.
[Fufu]: Let’s leave it as a surprise for when the chapter containing it does get posted~.
[Talon]: … Something tells me that I really don’t want to know.
The girls were still dumfounded so AJ was the only one of team RWBY capable of speech at the moment.
[Fufu]: Of course he fucking was.
"You go on missions still!?" AJ asked the professor who started pacing and talking at his fast pace that AJ understood easily.
[Fufu]: Of course AJ fucking understands Oobleck’s speed speak.
[Kirby]: Everyone does.
[Fufu]: Ah, but we have to make the distinction that AJ could understand it.
[Kirby]: Fucking special snowflake.
They all did by this point actually, they had been in his classes a lot by this point.
[Kirby]: Seriously, he’s not hard to understand.
[Fufu]: Too much repetition of “this point”, it’s off putting.
[Talon]: So what was the point in that sentence before mentioning how Boy understands Oobleck’s speech easily? If it’s something this mundane there’s no need to put it in!
"Yes of course I do! I am a Huntsman! The one you are shadowing in fact! And those bags won't be necessary since this is essentially a reconnaissance mission!" Oobleck said. 'I thought this was a Search and Destroy mission.'
[Kirby]: I think Ozpin probably explained the situation to Dr. Oobleck; you are looking for the White Fang in a hostile territory full of Grimm. Ergo, it’s a reconnaissance mission where you’ll inevitably be fighting Grimm.
[Talon]: I do so love how when being told it’s a reconnaissance mission, his reaction is to sulk because he was hoping to kill someone. And you know that’s exactly what this is, because thus far, his reaction to anything that “crosses” him is to try kill them.
[Fufu]: Not to mention he will purposefully hunt down Grimm to maul whenever he’s angry and needs to let off steam. For all they’re a murderous species that feeds off negative emotions and seeks to kill humans just because they’re bloodthirsty and unthinking animals, it actually makes me pity them since he just hunts them down and kills them without provocation.
[Talon]: It’s sad if you’re actually making me question who the real monster here is when one is a bloodthirsty species without a conscience and the other is a tantruming brat who does have a conscience but is still just as bloodthirsty.
"We will not be establishing a single base of operations, we will be traversing several miles of hazardous wasteland, and making camp at any suitable locations we may stumble upon! I factored over the essentials myself! Plotted the course and readied the airship! AND!" Oobleck paused before getting in Weiss's face. "It's Doctor Oobleck! I didn't get the PhD for fun, thank you very much!" Oobleck finished.
[Kirby]: I friggin love Dr. Oobleck.
[Talon]: Hold on, have I missed something here? *checks back up* No, I haven’t. This is the first time Weiss was mentioned in this chapter, so where the hell did that retort Oobleck gave come from?
[Fufu]: Well, she called him professor at the end of the previous chapter. As for the show, I can’t quite recall.
[Kirby]: In the show, the very first line of the episode was Weiss saying “Professor Oobleck?” like she couldn’t believe that he was who they were going on this dangerous mission with, prompting his correction.
[Talon]: I don’t care. In this fic, it has come out of nowhere. The Stuthor can’t just throw a line like that in because it was said in the series when he hasn’t written a single mention of Weiss disrespecting Oobleck’s title in this chapter, nor has it been established that this is a running gag for Weiss to do throughout this fic.
[Fufu]: That is true. And as I did in chapter 7, I’ll pretend that transcribing canon is a fair practise in order to say that for this gag to make sense to the reader - since it probably has been a while since they’d read the last chapter and they probably won’t be constantly re-reading it while waiting for the next one - it would be better to fit both episodes into the same chapter. Granted, you’d have to be a good writer to make the transition between episodes fit, since the episodes have the advantage of...well, being episodes with cliffhangers, but the author isn’t a good writer so… really, we can’t win here.
[Talon]: As it stands, this is just poor writing and the ruining of a good joke.
[Fufu]: Pretty much. :/
"Uuh…" Was all Weiss got out before Oobleck spoke again.
"Come now children! According to our schedule we are ready ([Talon]: *already) three minutes behind…schedule!" And suddenly Oobleck was all the way over at the ship…
[Kirby]: BECAUSE HE RUNS REALLY FAST! IT’S NOT A MYSTERY HOW HE GOT THERE!
"O…K….." AJ said with a sigh. He was around the Doc a lot more than RWBY was and even he had to sigh at how far he went in a blink of an eye.
[Fufu]: Shove your Only Sane Man troping up your ass. And of course AJ spends more time with the staff than he does with the students. Cause he’s got connections, dammit.
"Well alright then! We're gonna save the world with Doctor Oobleck okay yaHoly (bleep) on a (bleep) sandwich when you say it out loud it sounds worse…" Ruby said and the rest of the girls hung their heads down.
[Talon]: Fuck it, I’m sick of reading “ya” being used as “yeah” for everyone.
[Fufu]: The author’s actually missed out how she said this. She started off all excited like “Come on, it won’t be so bad!” only to then trail off and slow down as she realised, “Yeah, this probably won’t be fun.”
AJ grabbed Blake's hand, not even noticing it had slipped out. "Look, I've seen him fight,
[Kirby]: Is this another Noodle Incident? I don’t remember it.
[Fufu]: ...Yes, we haven’t seen this, but in all honesty, if I wanted to be nice, I’d let this one slip since it has been established - and reinforced right there actually - that AJ does know the staff members, so it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to think that he would know how they fight. If I wanted to be nice that is. As it stands, I wouldn’t give him this.
trust me when I say we are in good hands." AJ said reassuringly. (I just realized the pun there, no pun intended)
[Kirby]: Barbara would be ashamed.
[Fufu]: ...I don’t even think that would count as a pun? Unless it's referencing their stupid relationship or some shit.
[Talon]: For once you’re right Stuthor, no pun intended because there is no pun here! Unless you mean to say that Boy was talking about himself here, which is utterly arrogant of him.
"Save the world!?" Nora called out as JNPR walked up to them. "You're going on world saving missions without us!? I'm hurt! Sad! Maybe a little hungry? That last one's not your fault though… Ren!" Nora said glaring at Ren who crossed his arms in response.
[Kirby]: He also turned away with his nose in the air, it was somewhat funny. I do wonder what happened that prevented Ren from feeding Nora, though.
[Fufu]: Maybe they were running late for their lessons so he made her skip breakfast or she could only eat half or have a smaller than usual breakfast? On another note, this is another scenario where the AJ inclusion sticks out like a sore thumb once canon takes back over. People would probably wonder what Nora is talking about since we’ve now moved on from Ruby’s sentence.
"Sounds exciting! Where ya going?" Jaune asked.
"Oh, just outside the kingdom." Ruby replied.
"Hey! So are we!" Nora pointed out.
"Ren and Nora wanted to shadow the sheriff of a nearby village." Pyrrha explained.
"We set out tomorrow." Ren added.
[Talon]: Oh wow, I’m so excited by this exchange. Isn’t it all so exciting? You can just feel the tension and excitement coming off the narrative! This doesn’t at all feel completely lifted from the anime.
[Talon]:
"Then you can party with us tonight!" Neptune said as he and Sun jumped out next to them.
[Talon]: Oh look who jumped out of the rift in this white void we’re constantly in!
[Kirby]: Oh ya, Talon meet Neptune. He’s one of Sun’s teammates. He has self-esteem issues and a gun that turns into a trident.
[Talon]: It’s nice to meet you, Neptune! And I apologise in future for whatever Boy will do to you, because he seems to target any character that has self-esteem issues.
"We're shadowing a crime specialist! All inner-city detective stuff. We get junior badges." Neptune said and Jaune's eyes sparkled in envy.
[Kirby]: Jaune went full anime in envy.
[Talon]: “Sparkled in envy”? I don’t normally associate envy with the description “eyes sparkled in/with”. Usually I expect a positive emotion associated with sparkling eyes.
[Kirby]: In the show it was more of a “that’s so cool!” expression.
[Talon]: Great. Now I can’t tell if the Stuthor genuinely mixed awe and envy up as emotions, or if he’s just bashing Jaune.
"We normally go to the city with you guys. Which means stuff's always exploding and junk." Sun said.
"It was one time!… Okay, two times! But-" AJ started.
[Kirby]: Well, two times since they met Sun, at least.
"Four minutes!" Oobleck called out from the waiting airship.
"Sorry, gotta go." AJ said pointing over his shoulder.
"Wish us luck!" Ruby said as they turned away from Beacon.
[Fufu]: ...And I will confess that that was actually a semi-decent inclusion. Too bad it’s come too late in this fic for me to appreciate it.
[Kirby]: Well, except that the author doesn’t specify who ‘they’ are. For all we know, Sun, Neptune and JNPR decided to come along with.
[Talon]: Now I’ve just gotten this mental image of Sun, Neptune and JNPR walking away, and Ruby still standing in front of Beacon, smiling happily as she says that. Only for Yang or Weiss to remind her that she’s meant to be the one going along this mission =’D
"I guess I just never saw you as much of a fighter!" Yang said. They were in the ship now as it flew towards their destination.
"I'll admit I fancy myself as more of an, intellectual but I assure you, I've seen my fair share of tussles!" Oobleck explained.
"Like the mushroom?" Ruby asked.
"Those are truffles." Blake corrected.
Ruby turned to Yang. "Like the sprout?"
"Those are brussels." Yang corrected.
[Talon]: I’m genuinely surprised that Boy didn’t try to insert himself into this joke or thought it was stupid enough to snark at it, thus ruining the joke.
"Besides, given my expertise in the field of history, as well as my dabbling's ([Kirby]: No apostrophe) in the archeological survey's ([Kirby]: Here too.) our dear headmaster saw it fit to assign me to this particular, assignment!" Oobleck said.
"What does history have to do with this?" Weiss asked.
"Why what a preposterous question you silly girl! Why history is the backbone of our very society!" Oobleck said.
"Seriously Weiss, there's history in everything." AJ said.
[Talon]: Well, except in you, as your Stuthor couldn’t be arsed to come up with a proper backstory for you. Yes, I went there.
Oobleck hadn't actually stopped speaking when AJ had started.
[Fufu]: Even Oobleck doesn’t want to acknowledge him. Though let’s be fair here, this is another case where the author can’t make AJ’s inclusion fit in smoothly with canon.
"And the liver! And probably the kidneys if I were to wager!" Oobleck rambled.
"And that means?…" Weiss asked.
"The Southeast quadrant of Vale is home to wild forests and deep caves, but, it is also the location of one of the kingdoms ([Kirby]: This one does need an apostrophe) greatest failures!" Oobleck said.
"Mountain Glenn." Ruby answered.
"That's right! It was an expansion of Vale!" Yang realized.
"Oh yamy voice gives me super strength! That! In the end though it ended up being fenced away from the rest of the city. Overrun by Grimm…" AJ added.
[Fufu]: I love how AJ starts off the sentence; it sounds like he was just remembering, “Oh right, that’s a thing,” and he has to try and act like he knows the history of this world he’s in. Cause yeah, just a teeeeeeensy reminder for all the fair readers out there that AJ still isn’t from this world.
[Talon]: I’m opening the bets. Who wants to put their money on this being another shot at Weiss? Because of course, Boy has to know all about this world’s history, particularly after shaming Weiss for not considering it important.
[Fufu]: Actually, I just recalled now that AJ’s actually crimped this line off Yang. She said it originally, and it was another piece of exposition.
"Correct you three! Now it stands abandoned! As a dark reminder." Oobleck said.
[Kirby]: One might almost say… A Grimm reminder. Ehhhhhhhhh?!!!
[Fufu]:
[Kirby]: That which kills me only makes me stronger.
"And a likely place for a hideout." Blake added.
Oobleck smirked and adjusted his glasses. "Precisely!"
They eventually were hovering just over a road in the abandoned city and they all jumped out. Yang, weapons ready, then Blake, hand on the grip of her weapon, AJ with his fists,
[Fufu]: Cause fuck using a weapon like everyone else in this world.
[Kirby]: Poor Bob, his sacrifice was pointless to the end.
[Fufu]: He did deserve better. He needs his own fic, detailing his life before his death. It was probably epic.
[Talon]: I said this in a comment, and I will say it again: what was the point of being given a weapon? He’s either copying other people’s weapons or he’s using his speshul-er than thou’s powahs n skillz. Why did he need a sword?
Weiss with her weapon out, and Ruby with her's out as well. Then Oobleck landed behind AJ and simply took a drink from his thermos.
"Alright! You still may be students, but as of this moment your first mission as Huntsman and Huntresses in training has begun! From this point forward, you need to do exactly as I say!" Oobleck said before looking at Ruby. "Ruby! I thought I told you to leave the bag back at school."
"Well you hadn't told us to listen to you yet… so I didn't…" Ruby said.
"…She's not wrong…" Oobleck said to himself. "Very well then Ruby! Leave the bag and we can come pick it upon our return." Ruby stuttered a response.
[Fufu]: Which was? You can’t just say she did a thing which required vocalisation, but then not show it.
"Young lady! What in the world could you possibly have in that bag that is so import-" Oobleck stopped talking when Zwei poked his head out of the bag.
[Kirby]: And there was a moment of silence as everyone contemplated the absurdity of the situation.
"Get back in the bag…" Ruby whispered to Zwei in the silence. Zwei barked in response.
"Ruby, we are in an abandoned urban jungle full of death and hostility… and you brought… a dog?" Oobleck asked. Ruby stuttered out another response. "GENIOUS!" ([Fufu]: Dafuq is that extra ‘o’ doing in there?) Oobleck yelled and took Zwei right out of the bag.
[Talon]: So did Ruby stutter “genius” (with an “o” because that’s how true a genius spells it!) then Oobleck yelled in joy like a little girl because he saw a cute puppy? Because that is how this scene is being presented to me.
"Canines are historically known for their excellent nose and acute sense of sound! Making them excellent companions for hunts such as ours!"
"I'm a genius!" Ruby said proudly and everyone but Blake face palmed.
[Fufu]: ?? *looks at Kirby*
[Kirby]: Well, Yang and Weiss facepalmed in canon.
"So, what are your orders Doctor?" Blake asked.
[Talon]: Oobleck: “There is only one way to save a fic that has been infected this severely. Nurse, hand me the spork. We’ll need to do an immediate fallacectomy to remove the Stu!”
"Ah! Yes! Straight to the chase! I like it!" Oobleck said before promptly dropping Zwei. "As you've been informed, the Southeast has been marked as a recent hotspot for Grimm activity! One possible explanation for this behavior would be, Grimm." Oobleck said suddenly stopping all speech.
"Grimm causing Grimm? What? Can you try that again?" AJ asked.
[Talon]: Whaaaat? Boy actually didn’t understand something immediately and is not bragging about it. It’s a miracle!
"Grimm. A creature of Grimm, approximately one hundred yards from us, at this very moment." Oobleck stated looking past them.
"Huh?" They all said turning to where he was looking and seeing a lone Beowolf.
"Oh that's what you meant!" AJ said
[Fufu]: Come on, AJ, fucking keep up! This is why he doesn’t fit in here, cause in the show, the girls just instantly jumped into ready stances in case they needed to fight. Here, we have to wait for AJ to go, “Duuuuuuur, oh yeah.”
[Talon]: *looks below* I’ll wager the only reason that Boy didn’t go kill happy is because Oobleck is going to tell everyone to stop.
while RWBY pulled out their weapons.
"Stop." Oobleck ordered and the girls all lowered their weapons. "There a number of reasons why Grimm would congregate in an area, most likely of which would be their attraction to negativity. Sadness, envy, loneliness, depression, hatred. All qualities that
[Talon]: Oobleck: “the Stu here exemplifies. Therefore, if we want any hope of successfully infiltrating the area without being detected, we’ll have to leave the Stu behind to serve as a distraction.”
are likely held by our group harboring ill intent." Oobleck explained.
"So what now?" Ruby asked.
"We wait. We track. If this specimen leads us to its pack that pack may subsequently lead us to our prey." Oobleck answered.
"How long will that take?" Yang said not liking the idea of going slow and not shooting and punching stuff.
"It's uncertain. Hours, days, weeks. Why lone Grimm have been known to stay separated from the pack for months, And there's the whole pack!" Oobleck suddenly said.
"Huh?" AJ said looking back at the Grimm and seeing a whole lot more of them. "Ah! When!?"
[Fufu]: Insert line here about how he’s ruining another joke.
"And now they've seen us." Oobleck said simply.
"What?" Weiss asked concerned.
Oobleck thought she didn't hear him. "AND NOW THEY'VE SEEN US!" Oobleck yelled.
"So what do we do now?" Ruby asked.
"Show me what you're capable of." Oobleck responded.
[Talon]: *cracks knuckles* Oh, I definitely will be, Doctor Oobleck.
[Talon]: Just a fair warning to you readers, these fight scenes are going to contain a lot of ranting. As writing action scenes is something that I consider the most fun part for myself, it utterly infuriates me when I see such horrendous and lazily written action scenes. So I will be pointing out every issue I have with this scene.
AJ charged into the group with his Aura flowing and started one-hit-knockout-ing every Beowolf that got near him, he consciously or unconsciously ([Talon]: *subconsciously) stayed closer to Blake than to anyone else. He saw Blake using her semblance and cutting Grimm in half so he focused on the three moving towards him.
[Talon]: We’ve only just got into this scene and the Stuthor’s already messing it up. First, if Boy’s Aura is flowing then that indicates he’s using a significant amount of it. Considering how if one’s Aura level goes into the red, they could die, you should not be using it willy nilly, especially in the first fight! You have no idea how long this mission is going to take, nor how many Grimm you will be fighting in that time. So conserve your damn Aura!
[Talon]: Second, one-hit-knockout-ing is not a word, nor will it catch on.
[Fufu]: Also, just one other thing I noticed here; he has to stick close to Blake. Because even though she can clearly take care of herself and has been doing so for years since before she ever met AJ, he has to keep an eye on his lady, make sure she doesn’t get hurt. Nevermind that Ruby is the youngest in the team or that Weiss is the weakest defensively (Not that Weiss would appreciate him jumping to her rescue, especially given how he treated her) so it’d make more sense to stick closer to them if he’s looking to defend someone. Nope; he has to stick by his lady love.
[Talon]: Yes, and that is point three. There’s also the fact that it hinders Blake’s ability to fight. Having someone constantly this close to you in battle when your fighting style revolves around avoiding being hit could very well leave the person near you unintentionally taking a hit that you avoided.
[Talon]: Blake doesn’t need his protection, nor is it at all beneficial for her when she’ll be fine enough to dodge most of the attacks from the Grimm. If anything, he’s just going to add the worry of her having to make sure he’s not too close if she’s going to Shadow through an attack, just so he won’t get hit instead.
[Talon]: Furthermore, Boy being so close to Blake when he tends to Aurasplode when he doesn’t get his way is detrimental to her safety! What happens if something were to happen to provoke an Aurasplosion or worse - don’t forget he has a demon side too - and it happens so suddenly that Blake has no time to get away from it? You know she’s too busy actually fighting Grimm to be watching Boy’s condition to notice this before it happens.
[Talon:] Fifth… or sixth… oh to hell with it, I’ve lost count: you cannot be both conscious and unconscious (which you actually mean to say subconsciously) of a fact. If you’re consciously aware of it, then you know you’re doing it. If you’re not, then you are not aware that you’re doing it. You cannot be both aware of something you’re doing but at the same time not aware of that same thing.
[Talon]: Lastly, if Boy was so effortlessly knocking Grimm out with a single punch, then why does he need to focus on three coming towards him more than he focused on the other Grimm? Are these Grimm a higher level than the other Grimm he’s defeated? Are these the mini-boss squad Grimm and the rest were just underlevelled mooks? Explain why these three in particular need the special attention!
He punched the first one and killed it. He ([Talon]: *The) second one clawed at him and he leaned out of the way to dodge before returning the favor with his own claws and cutting off the arm that struck at him before quickly unsheathing Nipzona and taking its head off. He used the sword to divert the claws of the third and cut it in half with a horizontal swing and sheathed his sword.
[Talon]: Firstly, you go to the effort of highlighting that these three Grimm are special enough to deserve an “indepth” description of how they’ll be defeated. And the way you kill the first one is to punch it… like you had been doing with the others. This is unnecessary. If you have to bring attention to an opponent in a sea of mooks, then it should be because either your character is doing something different to them that is worth noting, or that opponent has done something that is worth noting for the story. In this case, you don’t have either, so there was no point to bring attention to this one Grimm.
[Talon]: Adding to that first point, simply saying you “punched” something to kill it doesn’t give me any such image that these things are difficult to fight. Boy doesn’t have super strength, isn’t wearing gauntlets like Yang is, and isn’t being described as using Aura or some other power to provide a megaton punch. As far as I can tell, he’s hitting these things as hard as my granny, and she can’t even punch because of her stroke!
[Talon]: Secondly, that second sentence has too much going on in it. Let me point out how many different actions are actually being described in it: 1) The attack from the second Grimm; 2) Boy dodging it; 3) Boy counterattacks; 4) Boy rips an arm off in the process; 5) Boy draws his sword; 6) Boy beheads the Grimm.
[Talon]: ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD NOT HAVE THAT MUCH GOING ON IN ONE PARAGRAPH! Let alone in one sentence! Generally, you don’t go pass three separate actions for a paragraph in a fight scene because paragraphs should be kept short to give a sense of speed to these actions. If you’re talented, you can get away with it if you know how to relate all actions to seem like one effortless action. But this Stuthor is FAR from being anywhere near that skilled.
[Talon]: Thirdly, that sentence itself is just stupid! If Boy was capable of punching out the Grimm before without trouble, why bring the claws out NOW? All this Grimm has done differently than the others is that it actually tried to claw Boy. Considering punching a Grimm to death has worked so far, there was no reason to assume that punching this Grimm wouldn’t work as well. We have not been shown Boy attempting to punch this Grimm and failing, prompting him to try something else. No, instead this reeks of Boy being spiteful and wanting gore because this Grimm dare to try attack him!
[Talon]: And this point applies to the damn sword. Again, there was really no reason why your claws weren’t good enough to hack that Grimm up. In fact, after ripping the Grimm’s arm off, you clearly had the advantage! You could have finished the Grimm off with your claws, but you didn’t. Nothing was stopping you from doing so. And if I recall correctly in an earlier chapter, Boy’s claws are somehow stronger than his sword (ignoring all logic, as this fic does). So there’s even less of a point to downgrade to your sword.
[Talon]: Fourth, in that moment Boy drew his sword, the third Grimm should have killed him. It takes a considerable amount of skill to learn to draw your sword fast enough to have it also prepared to attack within that instant. It’s also not something you’d just learn while sword fighting naturally. It’s a skill you’d need to take conscious effort to hone. So in this moment, Boy was presenting an opening, and while I will be decent enough to allow that the second Grimm was too busy recovering from the shock of having its arm ripped out, there was nothing to stop the third Grimm from using this opening to attack.
[Talon]: Fifth, only after beheading the second Grimm does Boy acknowledge that the third Grimm was there. What? Was the third Grimm kindly sitting there waiting for Boy to finish the first two Grimm before taking its turn to attack? Here’s a hint, Stuthor: THIS ISN’T A TURN BASE GAME! Your opponent is NOT going to simply stand in line and allow you to kill off all their buddies before they attack.
[Talon]: Now I will be fair and assess that what the Stuthor was aiming for is that Boy simply moves too fast for the Grimm to keep up to even react. However, the way he writes constantly slows the pace of the scene. Note that I pointed out six different actions occurring in one sentence. Unless Boy is the Flash, it’s simply not possible for all that to be done only for the last Grimm to react after all that had happened. Unless you mention that Boy has done this before any of the Grimm could move, I’m expecting all of this to be moving at a speed that is physically achievable to the average human.
[Talon]: Also, that third Grimm was supposedly running towards Boy to attack him in the previous paragraph. How am I supposed to get a sense of urgency if it takes an entire paragraph before that third Grimm finally does something?