Torchwood S3 (AU) - Episode 2 "Identity Crisis" Part 4/5
Title: Episode 2 "Identity Crisis" Part 4/5
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, PC Andy
Pairings: Essentially gen. (Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys)
Spoilers: Up to "Exit Wounds" (the events of DW "The Stolen Earth" & "Journey's End" have taken place in the time between Episodes 1 & 2)
Rating: Some swearing, some violence.
Disclaimer: Quite evidently, I don't own Torchwood.
Beta: The incredibly helpful evil_kingdom
Episode teaser: When a man comes in to his police station and reports himself missing, PC Andy Davidson has the sneaking suspicion that there well may be some spooky business afoot. He calls Torchwood on the case, but it soon becomes clear that they're all in for more than they ever bargained for. (It might help to read the first episode, but this episode can be read as a standalone adventure.)
A/N: Comments, in whatever style, shape or form, are always appreciated :)
Previous Episodes/Parts:
Nearer Yet Further Away: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part4
Identity Crisis: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Ianto Jones walks though the Hub, a bar of dark chocolate in one hand as a peace offering to Myfanwy, who is currently wheeling overhead, screeching loudly in a show of agitation at being caged for so long.
He glances at the CCTV as he passes, more out of habit than any necessity, and continues on a few paces before he stops, a slight frown on his face, and turns back to take a further look at the screen showing the Plass outside.
He stares at it for a long moment, before taking a sharp breath, eyes widening.
Then he turns on his heel, leaving the chocolate bar lying forgotten on the desk, and goes to make some coffee.
* * * * *
“I know what’s going to happen. You two..” Andy gestures at them, “…say that that paving stone is some ‘magical lift’, I stand on it waiting for something to happen, sod all does, and then you laugh at me for looking like a numpty.”
Jack raises her eyebrows in mock outrage.
“Andy Davidson, how dare you cast such aspersions on our honesty!”
The statement is followed up with a grin and a wink, and Gwen groans. Great, now Andy will think that she fancies him. That’s just what she needs. She glares at Jack, trying to think of ways to get her own back. Unfortunately, she’s having some trouble thinking of anything that Jack wouldn’t do himself. She sighs.
“It’s not like anyone except from us will see you, Andy, just go on.”
Andy rolls his eyes. “Oh yes, because it’s also apparently an invisible paving stone…because that makes it so much more believable. I’m not stupid, Harkness, never mind what you might think!”
Jack mutters under his breath. “Honestly, Ianto and I had an easier time getting Myfanwy into the Hub.”
Gwen snorts. “She’s got more sense.”
Andy looks at them suspiciously, eyes narrowed. Jack’s look of innocence is just as unconvincing on her features as it usually is on his own.
“Look, Andy, we don’t have all day. Either get on the lift like a good boy or toddle off back to play cops and robbers, it’s your choice.”
Gwen inhales. She was wrong, Andy isn’t going to think that she fancies him, he’s just going to think that she’s a complete and utter bitch.
“Okay, okay, fine.” To her shock, Andy doesn’t seem overly hurt after hearing Jack’s harsh words from the mouth of his former partner. In fact, it’s almost like he expects it.
Gwen swallows, feeling slightly sick.
Andy steps onto the paving stone Jack had pointed out, and waits expectantly for something to happen. He was right, he does look like a right numpty. Gwen coughs pointedly, and Jack smirks, before walking over to the stone two to the right of Andy, Gwen following.
Andy blinks, looking around in panic.
“Gwen? Jack? Where - “
Gwen reaches out and pulls him onto the slab just as it starts its descent, praying to god that no passers-by catch sight of half a man’s torso blinking into sight, grabbing a distressed policeman and then vanishing along with him.
Andy splutters. “What?” He glares at them, before suddenly turning pale, grabbing onto Gwen’s arm, fingers holding tight onto the fabric of Jack’s greatcoat. “We’re moving! We’re on a magic paving stone that turns you invisible and we’re moving!” He covers his eyes with his free hand, parts his fingers to peek through, and then firmly closes them again. “God help me, I’ve gone insane”
Gwen carefully extricates her arm before Andy can squeeze tight enough to cause bruises. Andy doesn’t move an inch, frozen in place. She sighs, and shrugs out of the greatcoat, folding it over one arm. She doesn’t know why Jack insists on wearing it all the time, it weighs a bloody ton.
“Andy, it’s okay. It’s just a lift. Nothing to be scared of.” she soothes.
“Nothing to be scared of?” Andy exclaims in disbelief, although he does remove his hand from over his eyes. “I’m on a paving stone that’s hardly big enough for the three of us, it’s descending through thin air, and Jack Harkness is telling me that everything’s going to be fine…” Myfanwy choose that moment to swoop past them at great speed, showing off, and Andy gulps “…and you really do have a pteranodon. Oh shit.”
“You know, you’re the only one to get it right first time.”
Ianto’s voice rises up from where he stands a few feet below them, bearing four mugs of coffee on a tray and waiting patiently for the lift to descend. Jack smirks, and calls down to him.
“Ianto Jones! Showing off for our visiting officer are you?”
Ianto raises one eyebrow in admonishment.
“I’m always prepared. As you should well know by now.”
“Oh, yeah...” Gwen watches as a far away look crosses her own features, as Jack quite obviously revisits some memory. A filthy one, if that expression is anything to go by. Gwen is quite pleased to notice that ‘shamelessly lusting’ as an expression works better on her than she might have thought. Although, that could just be the ‘Captain Jack Harkness Effect’ bleeding through.
Andy frowns at Jack momentarily, but his relief as the lift touches solid earth seems to overwhelm any suspicion that had been brewing and he grins.
“Whew! I don’t care what they might say, if humans were meant to be fannying about in mid air then we’d have wings like your friend there.”
“Myfanwy.” Ianto supplies, as he hands Andy a mug.
Andy nods. “Thanks. Funnily enough, that kind of suits her.” He takes a sip of his coffee, before his demeanour suddenly changes and he turns around, glaring at Gwen.
“Have you been spying on me?”
Gwen blinks. “I…what?”
She looks to Jack for help, but he just mouths “You’re the boss” at her, grinning obnoxiously. She sighs, and reminds herself that if she was to slap Jack then it would be her that would have to walk around with a red handprint on her face. Of course, that’s assuming that they manage to figure out how to swap them back sometime soon. But seeing as that assumption’s currently what’s keeping her sane, it’s not one she’s going to give up on anytime soon.
“Don’t you feign innocence.” Andy’s wags a finger sternly. “I know fine well what you lot get up to, setting up unauthorised CCTV cameras and prying into all sorts or places you shouldn’t. And you get away with it because you’re Torchwood, but you’ve got no reason at all to be spying on me in my own house and keeping tabs on how I take my coffee, so if you think I’m going to let you-“
Gwen can’t help herself, she starts laughing. And once she starts she can’t stop, her amusement blending into the near hysteria that’s been hiding at the back of her mind since she found herself in the body of Jack bloody Harkness, of all people, and she’s laughing in great gulps, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. Andy stares, bewildered, his mouth hanging open.
Luckily, Jack chooses this moment to stop acting like an arse.
“Andy, we’ve not been spying on you. Funnily enough, Torchwood has more pressing concerns than you and your mocha chai lattes.”
Ianto sighs. “It’s a black coffee with a dash of cream and three and a half teaspoons of sugar, actually.” He offers Andy a calm explanation, “You had a coffee at the police station. I saw what you took, and took the liberty of making a few adjustments. Very boring. No CCTV, no prying.”
Andy blushes red, and Jack laughs, patting him on the shoulder.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, that’s what I say.” he takes his own coffee from Ianto’s tray, but pauses before taking a sip. “Actually, that’s not exactly what I say, but unless you’ve been to Norval 5 on a race day…”
Andy splutters “”What on earth are you on about Gwen?” at the exact same moment as Ianto rolls his eyes and cuts into Jack’s anecdote.
“Please Jack, try not to scar the poor man.”
Gwen recovers from her hysterics sufficiently enough to address Ianto in a tone of bewildered surprise.
“How did you know?”
Ianto shrugs. “Neither of you are particularly convincing mimics.” He glances pointedly at Jack’s coat, still slung carelessly over Gwen’s arm, and then at Jack, cradling his coffee mug between two hands. “There were a few tells. I suspected it as soon as I saw you three on the CCTV, but I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. Until Jack made it obvious by starting to recollect one of his sexcapades I was going to tell you that you had to take a call from the Glasgow office,” he pauses “ which is scheduled for the morning…but hopefully we can get you back in your rightful bodies in time for Jack to have that pleasure.”
Gwen just gives Ianto a blank look, but Jack shivers. “Y’know, I don’t actually mind staying as Gwen for a day or so. We should really focus on getting those prisoners free…”
Ianto looks smug. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly the reaction I would have been looking for.” He looks at his watch. “It’s just gone one, the call isn’t until eleven. We’ve got some time.”
Gwen frowns. Jack’s anxiety is somewhat contagious. “We can’t rearrange it?”
Jack groans. “We do that, he’ll just be five times more impossible because he thinks we’re ‘pissing him about’. It’s not worth it.”
“Excuse me!” Andy cuts in “Can you stop acting like this is all perfectly normal for just a moment while I get this straight. You…” he points at Jack, “..are actually Gwen. And Gwen is actually Jack Harkness.”
Gwen and Jack both nod.
“And you didn’t think of maybe, possibly, mentioning this to me?”
Jack grins. “We made a bet on who would figure it out fastest. Gwen bet on either you or Rhys, I bet on Ianto. I get to be the gorgeous Gwen Cooper for the day and I’m going to win twenty pounds - it just gets better and better!”
Ianto smirks. “You know, that new film comes out this week. Lots of big guns and explosions, from the looks of the trailer…”
“Don’t you two be counting your chickens just yet, Rhys will notice!” Gwen protests, trying to convince herself as much as anyone else. Rhys had been in a panic yesterday, raiding the wardrobe in search for his favourite t-shirt, complaining that he must have lost it when actually he’d been just been wearing it at the time. Needless to say, he wasn’t the most perceptive of individuals. But surely he’d recognise his own wife…wouldn’t he? She sighs. To be honest, she’ll be happy so long as Rhys doesn’t try and get off with Jack. Mostly just because she’d never hear the end of it.
Andy huffs, still apparently bitter about being left out of the loop. “Should we not be trying to do something about these missing people? Or are your silly bets more important?”
“Sorry, you’re right Andy, we should be focusing on trying to figure this out. Jack?”
“Right.” Jack adopts a serious expression. “First things first, we need to figure out how they’re swapping people, and why. Then we can hopefully find a way to reverse the process.” He gives a quick run down of what he had witnessed in the shop basement. When he gets to describing the moments immediately prior to their own body swap, Gwen corroborates his observations.
“I heard that strange noise too. Gave me the heebie-jeebies, so it did.”
Andy holds up his mobile phone for no apparent reason.
“If it’s Orange, you won’t get any reception.” Ianto informs him, before turning to Jack. “So…do you think they’re using sound waves to transfer people from one body to another? Is that even possible?”
Jack considers. “Sound waves alone couldn’t do it. But if they had the right equipment, the correct combination of chemicals, materials…it’s possible that a sound wave could activate the process. Maybe…” he gives a ‘who knows?’ expression “…I’ve never seen it done like this before, it’s quite exciting.”
Andy tries to speak, but is cut off by Gwen’s snort. “I’m glad that you find it exciting, Jack. Me, I’d prefer my body back.”
“I…” Andy waves his phone. Jack rolls his eyes.
“Come on, cheer up. Thousands would kill to get the chance to be in the body of Captain Jack Harkness!”
He winks.
“Jack, please don’t flirt with me when you’re in my body. Some things are just too strange, even for Torchwood.”
Jack smirks. “Hey fine, but you’re missing out.”
“Excuse-“
“You know, it’s a shame that we don’t have a recording of the sound you heard, we could have tried flipping the signal or something.” Ianto contemplates. Gwen thinks she can hear a slight note of panic in his tone, maybe as he too comes to the realisation that she herself is trying so hard to ignore. For all that they’re talking like this is a joke that will easily be solved by morning, she can’t see any way out right now, and that is terrifying. She doesn’t want to be stuck in Jack’s body for all time. For one thing, if she’s not coping with the change, how on earth can she expect Rhys to? Will she be the same as Jack, unable to die, a lonely spot in time? She catches her breath, forces herself away from that train of thought before it brings her to her knees, pulls herself out of her head and into the real world, because that’s where they have the chance of righting this situation, however small that chance might be.
She feels a hand come to rest on her arm, and glances down at it. The fact that she's looking at her own hand doesn’t make the comfort and support that Jack is offering in the touch any less real, strangely enough, and she’s thankful for that. When she looks, she can see that Jack’s other hand is gripping Ianto’s, and now she knows for sure that they are all more scared than they’re letting on, because Jack and Ianto barely even make open signs of their relationship when it’s just her present, never mind with an outsider like Andy in the room, but now they’re holding on tight, fingers wound together like they’ll never let go. Oddly, the knowledge that she’s not the only one that’s having a hard time coping with this makes her feel better, somehow.
“I-“ Andy’s still waving his phone, looking distinctly flustered. Gwen shrugs, maybe Torchwood was a bit too much for him, poor soul. Jack ignores him, replying instead to Ianto’s previous suggestion.
“I’m sorry, but I was a bit busy having a gun pointed in my face. I didn’t realise that you’d want to preserve the soundtrack to that moment.”
Ianto raises an eyebrow. “Just what we need. Jack with PMS.”
Jack and Gwen both turn on him, ready to protest, but they’re interrupted by a loud exclamation from Andy.
“Oi, will you lot shut up for a moment and let me speak?!”
Jack shrugs.
“Go ahead. No-one’s stopping you.”
“If I didn’t quite like Gwen, I would so be throttling you right now.”
“Kinky, I like it. Is that what you had to say?”
“For the bloody love of god, you’re impossible. No, what I was trying to draw to your attention is the fact that I did record the sound. On my phone.” He holds it up, and makes to press the button so that they can hear it.
“Wait!” Ianto holds a hand up, halting him. “Maybe best not. Just incase.” Andy nods, and refrains from playing the recording.
Gwen grins. “But that’s brilliant Andy! How did you know to record it?”
Andy looks proud, then slightly shifty. “Oh, well…approaching the location of a reported disturbance, I hear a spooky noise…thought it might come in handy, you know. For reference.”
Jack gives him a sceptical look, and he blushes red.
“Fine! If you must know, it’s a new phone, and I haven’t quite got the hang of it yet. I was trying to call for backup and I pressed the wrong button.”
Ianto nods understandingly. “Speed Dial. It’s a devil”
* * * * *
“Is all work at Torchwood quite this glamorous?” Andy complains, blinking his sore eyes.
Ianto glances at him from his own pile of papers.
“Of course. Sometimes I even get to muck out the Weevils.” he glares at the small type in front of him, trying to understand the convoluted sentences and lines of code. “Okay…try entering 5768 in the third column. That might do…something.”
Andy enters the numbers before hitting the enter key.
“Shouldn’t you have someone who actually knows how the system works?” he comments idly, as he gets another array of error messages for his trouble. Then he stops to think. “Ah, right. I suppose you did. Sorry. Again.”
Ianto gives him a small smile. “It’s okay. Sometimes I forget too. I made five cups of coffee this morning by mistake. Didn’t realise until I’d walked halfway down to the autopsy bay that…” he shakes his head “…anyway, try opening up the program. Fifth line of code, change the seventh zero for a one.”
Andy lets the subject drop. He’s pretty sure that his pity would be less of a help than a hindrance, as polite as Ianto might be about it. Instead, he follows the other’s instruction, tapping keys and then sitting back, fully expecting yet another failure.
Instead, the screen suddenly turns black.
“Uh…Ianto. I think I broke it.”
Ianto stands, coming to stand behind him. The screen flickers, once, twice, before a window appears with what appears to be three security questions. At least, that’s what Andy’s guessing they are, but they appear to be in some kind of code. It’s all nonsense to him, but apparently it means something to Ianto as he grins and takes Andy’s place in front of the computer, immediately beginning to type. Andy points at the first question.
“V.D.O.P.A.O…11,35,408. What does that mean when it’s at home?”
Ianto smirks, appearing amused. “It’s a reference number for an item in the archives. V.D.O.P.A.O stands for ‘Vaguely Dangerous Object of Possible Alien Origin’, and the number tells me where in the archives it’s located. That item…” he taps the screen “…is a tub of hair gel. Shockwaves, if I remember rightly.”
Andy swallows nervously. “Shockwaves hair gel is made by aliens? But I’ve got a tub of that at home, use it when I’m going out on the pull.”
“No, no. Me and Tosh just hid it there as a joke. It was Owen’s.”
“…Right.” Andy doesn’t quite get the joke. Maybe you had to have been there. He shrugs. “And the other two?”
Ianto’s filled them all in now, but he pauses before pressing enter to point at them in turn. “’Hostile Intruder- 11/07/08?’ That was a cat called Pebbles that managed to follow Owen down the lift and set off the alarms. And the last one is the reference for a book on ‘Computing for Dummies’ from the 27th century that fell through the Rift early last year.” He smiles sadly, “I think that last one is Tosh’s way of making fun of whoever’s making such a hash of operating her computer system.” He pauses for a moment, then presses the button on the Bluetooth earpiece that seems to be pretty much a part of Torchwood uniform.
“Jack, Gwen, you might want to come down here.”
Andy doesn’t hear if there’s any response, but moments Gwen joins them from the office upstairs, followed a brief pause later by Jack, who’d been making a phone call from one of the desks.
“So, what’ve you got?” Gwen asks.
“Tosh left us a quiz.” Ianto replies, and quickly hits enter. The dialogue box disappears, and the Torchwood emblem fills the screen once more.
“Huh. So what was that for then? Nothing’s happened.”
Ianto breathes in slowly. “I thought she might have left us another message.” He sounds kind of defeated.
Jack turns away suddenly, seemingly distraught. Gwen places a comforting hand on his shoulder, and Andy belatedly remembers who’s who, now that they’ve swapped places. He turns back to the computer, unwilling to intrude on their private grief, and notices that there’s a little paperclip, like you get on Microsoft word, down in the right hand corner of the screen. There’s a speech bubble above it, that reads ‘Hi Ianto (I’m guessing it will be you), I see you passed my little entry exam. This should make your life easier, until you can get someone new. I added to it whenever I had time, so hopefully there’s enough information to be of use…Welcome to Tosh’s Hub Help - what are you trying to do?’
“You lot, look at this!”
He half expects to be ignored again, but surprisingly enough, he immediately has the attention of the other three. He watches as the blank, shut down expression flees from Ianto’s face, a grin taking its place as he reclaims the keyboard from Andy, quickly typing ‘flip sound recording’ and pressing enter. A new speech bubble appears, reading ‘Select the file you want inverted. For complex sounds, it might take a few hours. If it’s anything off that CD that Owen keeps playing in the autopsy bay, it should be ready within seconds, but I can’t guarantee that it will sound any better! Good luck x’
“She must have set this up before she died,” Ianto mutters, his voice carrying a trace of sadness amidst the clear pride for his ex-team-mate “…written it into the system to initialise if a certain number of mistakes were made after she had been logged out.” He looks up the file that they’d saved the recording from Andy’s phone to, selects it, and then steps back in satisfaction as the program starts up.
“She really was a genius, wasn’t she?” comes Gwen’s voice from behind him, sounding overwhelmingly proud. Andy nods in agreement with Jack, even if he didn’t really know her, it was the impression that he was beginning to get.
“She certainly was.” Gwen agrees, smiling through her tears.
Part 5
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, PC Andy
Pairings: Essentially gen. (Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys)
Spoilers: Up to "Exit Wounds" (the events of DW "The Stolen Earth" & "Journey's End" have taken place in the time between Episodes 1 & 2)
Rating: Some swearing, some violence.
Disclaimer: Quite evidently, I don't own Torchwood.
Beta: The incredibly helpful evil_kingdom
Episode teaser: When a man comes in to his police station and reports himself missing, PC Andy Davidson has the sneaking suspicion that there well may be some spooky business afoot. He calls Torchwood on the case, but it soon becomes clear that they're all in for more than they ever bargained for. (It might help to read the first episode, but this episode can be read as a standalone adventure.)
A/N: Comments, in whatever style, shape or form, are always appreciated :)
Previous Episodes/Parts:
Nearer Yet Further Away: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part4
Identity Crisis: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Ianto Jones walks though the Hub, a bar of dark chocolate in one hand as a peace offering to Myfanwy, who is currently wheeling overhead, screeching loudly in a show of agitation at being caged for so long.
He glances at the CCTV as he passes, more out of habit than any necessity, and continues on a few paces before he stops, a slight frown on his face, and turns back to take a further look at the screen showing the Plass outside.
He stares at it for a long moment, before taking a sharp breath, eyes widening.
Then he turns on his heel, leaving the chocolate bar lying forgotten on the desk, and goes to make some coffee.
* * * * *
“I know what’s going to happen. You two..” Andy gestures at them, “…say that that paving stone is some ‘magical lift’, I stand on it waiting for something to happen, sod all does, and then you laugh at me for looking like a numpty.”
Jack raises her eyebrows in mock outrage.
“Andy Davidson, how dare you cast such aspersions on our honesty!”
The statement is followed up with a grin and a wink, and Gwen groans. Great, now Andy will think that she fancies him. That’s just what she needs. She glares at Jack, trying to think of ways to get her own back. Unfortunately, she’s having some trouble thinking of anything that Jack wouldn’t do himself. She sighs.
“It’s not like anyone except from us will see you, Andy, just go on.”
Andy rolls his eyes. “Oh yes, because it’s also apparently an invisible paving stone…because that makes it so much more believable. I’m not stupid, Harkness, never mind what you might think!”
Jack mutters under his breath. “Honestly, Ianto and I had an easier time getting Myfanwy into the Hub.”
Gwen snorts. “She’s got more sense.”
Andy looks at them suspiciously, eyes narrowed. Jack’s look of innocence is just as unconvincing on her features as it usually is on his own.
“Look, Andy, we don’t have all day. Either get on the lift like a good boy or toddle off back to play cops and robbers, it’s your choice.”
Gwen inhales. She was wrong, Andy isn’t going to think that she fancies him, he’s just going to think that she’s a complete and utter bitch.
“Okay, okay, fine.” To her shock, Andy doesn’t seem overly hurt after hearing Jack’s harsh words from the mouth of his former partner. In fact, it’s almost like he expects it.
Gwen swallows, feeling slightly sick.
Andy steps onto the paving stone Jack had pointed out, and waits expectantly for something to happen. He was right, he does look like a right numpty. Gwen coughs pointedly, and Jack smirks, before walking over to the stone two to the right of Andy, Gwen following.
Andy blinks, looking around in panic.
“Gwen? Jack? Where - “
Gwen reaches out and pulls him onto the slab just as it starts its descent, praying to god that no passers-by catch sight of half a man’s torso blinking into sight, grabbing a distressed policeman and then vanishing along with him.
Andy splutters. “What?” He glares at them, before suddenly turning pale, grabbing onto Gwen’s arm, fingers holding tight onto the fabric of Jack’s greatcoat. “We’re moving! We’re on a magic paving stone that turns you invisible and we’re moving!” He covers his eyes with his free hand, parts his fingers to peek through, and then firmly closes them again. “God help me, I’ve gone insane”
Gwen carefully extricates her arm before Andy can squeeze tight enough to cause bruises. Andy doesn’t move an inch, frozen in place. She sighs, and shrugs out of the greatcoat, folding it over one arm. She doesn’t know why Jack insists on wearing it all the time, it weighs a bloody ton.
“Andy, it’s okay. It’s just a lift. Nothing to be scared of.” she soothes.
“Nothing to be scared of?” Andy exclaims in disbelief, although he does remove his hand from over his eyes. “I’m on a paving stone that’s hardly big enough for the three of us, it’s descending through thin air, and Jack Harkness is telling me that everything’s going to be fine…” Myfanwy choose that moment to swoop past them at great speed, showing off, and Andy gulps “…and you really do have a pteranodon. Oh shit.”
“You know, you’re the only one to get it right first time.”
Ianto’s voice rises up from where he stands a few feet below them, bearing four mugs of coffee on a tray and waiting patiently for the lift to descend. Jack smirks, and calls down to him.
“Ianto Jones! Showing off for our visiting officer are you?”
Ianto raises one eyebrow in admonishment.
“I’m always prepared. As you should well know by now.”
“Oh, yeah...” Gwen watches as a far away look crosses her own features, as Jack quite obviously revisits some memory. A filthy one, if that expression is anything to go by. Gwen is quite pleased to notice that ‘shamelessly lusting’ as an expression works better on her than she might have thought. Although, that could just be the ‘Captain Jack Harkness Effect’ bleeding through.
Andy frowns at Jack momentarily, but his relief as the lift touches solid earth seems to overwhelm any suspicion that had been brewing and he grins.
“Whew! I don’t care what they might say, if humans were meant to be fannying about in mid air then we’d have wings like your friend there.”
“Myfanwy.” Ianto supplies, as he hands Andy a mug.
Andy nods. “Thanks. Funnily enough, that kind of suits her.” He takes a sip of his coffee, before his demeanour suddenly changes and he turns around, glaring at Gwen.
“Have you been spying on me?”
Gwen blinks. “I…what?”
She looks to Jack for help, but he just mouths “You’re the boss” at her, grinning obnoxiously. She sighs, and reminds herself that if she was to slap Jack then it would be her that would have to walk around with a red handprint on her face. Of course, that’s assuming that they manage to figure out how to swap them back sometime soon. But seeing as that assumption’s currently what’s keeping her sane, it’s not one she’s going to give up on anytime soon.
“Don’t you feign innocence.” Andy’s wags a finger sternly. “I know fine well what you lot get up to, setting up unauthorised CCTV cameras and prying into all sorts or places you shouldn’t. And you get away with it because you’re Torchwood, but you’ve got no reason at all to be spying on me in my own house and keeping tabs on how I take my coffee, so if you think I’m going to let you-“
Gwen can’t help herself, she starts laughing. And once she starts she can’t stop, her amusement blending into the near hysteria that’s been hiding at the back of her mind since she found herself in the body of Jack bloody Harkness, of all people, and she’s laughing in great gulps, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. Andy stares, bewildered, his mouth hanging open.
Luckily, Jack chooses this moment to stop acting like an arse.
“Andy, we’ve not been spying on you. Funnily enough, Torchwood has more pressing concerns than you and your mocha chai lattes.”
Ianto sighs. “It’s a black coffee with a dash of cream and three and a half teaspoons of sugar, actually.” He offers Andy a calm explanation, “You had a coffee at the police station. I saw what you took, and took the liberty of making a few adjustments. Very boring. No CCTV, no prying.”
Andy blushes red, and Jack laughs, patting him on the shoulder.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, that’s what I say.” he takes his own coffee from Ianto’s tray, but pauses before taking a sip. “Actually, that’s not exactly what I say, but unless you’ve been to Norval 5 on a race day…”
Andy splutters “”What on earth are you on about Gwen?” at the exact same moment as Ianto rolls his eyes and cuts into Jack’s anecdote.
“Please Jack, try not to scar the poor man.”
Gwen recovers from her hysterics sufficiently enough to address Ianto in a tone of bewildered surprise.
“How did you know?”
Ianto shrugs. “Neither of you are particularly convincing mimics.” He glances pointedly at Jack’s coat, still slung carelessly over Gwen’s arm, and then at Jack, cradling his coffee mug between two hands. “There were a few tells. I suspected it as soon as I saw you three on the CCTV, but I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. Until Jack made it obvious by starting to recollect one of his sexcapades I was going to tell you that you had to take a call from the Glasgow office,” he pauses “ which is scheduled for the morning…but hopefully we can get you back in your rightful bodies in time for Jack to have that pleasure.”
Gwen just gives Ianto a blank look, but Jack shivers. “Y’know, I don’t actually mind staying as Gwen for a day or so. We should really focus on getting those prisoners free…”
Ianto looks smug. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly the reaction I would have been looking for.” He looks at his watch. “It’s just gone one, the call isn’t until eleven. We’ve got some time.”
Gwen frowns. Jack’s anxiety is somewhat contagious. “We can’t rearrange it?”
Jack groans. “We do that, he’ll just be five times more impossible because he thinks we’re ‘pissing him about’. It’s not worth it.”
“Excuse me!” Andy cuts in “Can you stop acting like this is all perfectly normal for just a moment while I get this straight. You…” he points at Jack, “..are actually Gwen. And Gwen is actually Jack Harkness.”
Gwen and Jack both nod.
“And you didn’t think of maybe, possibly, mentioning this to me?”
Jack grins. “We made a bet on who would figure it out fastest. Gwen bet on either you or Rhys, I bet on Ianto. I get to be the gorgeous Gwen Cooper for the day and I’m going to win twenty pounds - it just gets better and better!”
Ianto smirks. “You know, that new film comes out this week. Lots of big guns and explosions, from the looks of the trailer…”
“Don’t you two be counting your chickens just yet, Rhys will notice!” Gwen protests, trying to convince herself as much as anyone else. Rhys had been in a panic yesterday, raiding the wardrobe in search for his favourite t-shirt, complaining that he must have lost it when actually he’d been just been wearing it at the time. Needless to say, he wasn’t the most perceptive of individuals. But surely he’d recognise his own wife…wouldn’t he? She sighs. To be honest, she’ll be happy so long as Rhys doesn’t try and get off with Jack. Mostly just because she’d never hear the end of it.
Andy huffs, still apparently bitter about being left out of the loop. “Should we not be trying to do something about these missing people? Or are your silly bets more important?”
“Sorry, you’re right Andy, we should be focusing on trying to figure this out. Jack?”
“Right.” Jack adopts a serious expression. “First things first, we need to figure out how they’re swapping people, and why. Then we can hopefully find a way to reverse the process.” He gives a quick run down of what he had witnessed in the shop basement. When he gets to describing the moments immediately prior to their own body swap, Gwen corroborates his observations.
“I heard that strange noise too. Gave me the heebie-jeebies, so it did.”
Andy holds up his mobile phone for no apparent reason.
“If it’s Orange, you won’t get any reception.” Ianto informs him, before turning to Jack. “So…do you think they’re using sound waves to transfer people from one body to another? Is that even possible?”
Jack considers. “Sound waves alone couldn’t do it. But if they had the right equipment, the correct combination of chemicals, materials…it’s possible that a sound wave could activate the process. Maybe…” he gives a ‘who knows?’ expression “…I’ve never seen it done like this before, it’s quite exciting.”
Andy tries to speak, but is cut off by Gwen’s snort. “I’m glad that you find it exciting, Jack. Me, I’d prefer my body back.”
“I…” Andy waves his phone. Jack rolls his eyes.
“Come on, cheer up. Thousands would kill to get the chance to be in the body of Captain Jack Harkness!”
He winks.
“Jack, please don’t flirt with me when you’re in my body. Some things are just too strange, even for Torchwood.”
Jack smirks. “Hey fine, but you’re missing out.”
“Excuse-“
“You know, it’s a shame that we don’t have a recording of the sound you heard, we could have tried flipping the signal or something.” Ianto contemplates. Gwen thinks she can hear a slight note of panic in his tone, maybe as he too comes to the realisation that she herself is trying so hard to ignore. For all that they’re talking like this is a joke that will easily be solved by morning, she can’t see any way out right now, and that is terrifying. She doesn’t want to be stuck in Jack’s body for all time. For one thing, if she’s not coping with the change, how on earth can she expect Rhys to? Will she be the same as Jack, unable to die, a lonely spot in time? She catches her breath, forces herself away from that train of thought before it brings her to her knees, pulls herself out of her head and into the real world, because that’s where they have the chance of righting this situation, however small that chance might be.
She feels a hand come to rest on her arm, and glances down at it. The fact that she's looking at her own hand doesn’t make the comfort and support that Jack is offering in the touch any less real, strangely enough, and she’s thankful for that. When she looks, she can see that Jack’s other hand is gripping Ianto’s, and now she knows for sure that they are all more scared than they’re letting on, because Jack and Ianto barely even make open signs of their relationship when it’s just her present, never mind with an outsider like Andy in the room, but now they’re holding on tight, fingers wound together like they’ll never let go. Oddly, the knowledge that she’s not the only one that’s having a hard time coping with this makes her feel better, somehow.
“I-“ Andy’s still waving his phone, looking distinctly flustered. Gwen shrugs, maybe Torchwood was a bit too much for him, poor soul. Jack ignores him, replying instead to Ianto’s previous suggestion.
“I’m sorry, but I was a bit busy having a gun pointed in my face. I didn’t realise that you’d want to preserve the soundtrack to that moment.”
Ianto raises an eyebrow. “Just what we need. Jack with PMS.”
Jack and Gwen both turn on him, ready to protest, but they’re interrupted by a loud exclamation from Andy.
“Oi, will you lot shut up for a moment and let me speak?!”
Jack shrugs.
“Go ahead. No-one’s stopping you.”
“If I didn’t quite like Gwen, I would so be throttling you right now.”
“Kinky, I like it. Is that what you had to say?”
“For the bloody love of god, you’re impossible. No, what I was trying to draw to your attention is the fact that I did record the sound. On my phone.” He holds it up, and makes to press the button so that they can hear it.
“Wait!” Ianto holds a hand up, halting him. “Maybe best not. Just incase.” Andy nods, and refrains from playing the recording.
Gwen grins. “But that’s brilliant Andy! How did you know to record it?”
Andy looks proud, then slightly shifty. “Oh, well…approaching the location of a reported disturbance, I hear a spooky noise…thought it might come in handy, you know. For reference.”
Jack gives him a sceptical look, and he blushes red.
“Fine! If you must know, it’s a new phone, and I haven’t quite got the hang of it yet. I was trying to call for backup and I pressed the wrong button.”
Ianto nods understandingly. “Speed Dial. It’s a devil”
* * * * *
“Is all work at Torchwood quite this glamorous?” Andy complains, blinking his sore eyes.
Ianto glances at him from his own pile of papers.
“Of course. Sometimes I even get to muck out the Weevils.” he glares at the small type in front of him, trying to understand the convoluted sentences and lines of code. “Okay…try entering 5768 in the third column. That might do…something.”
Andy enters the numbers before hitting the enter key.
“Shouldn’t you have someone who actually knows how the system works?” he comments idly, as he gets another array of error messages for his trouble. Then he stops to think. “Ah, right. I suppose you did. Sorry. Again.”
Ianto gives him a small smile. “It’s okay. Sometimes I forget too. I made five cups of coffee this morning by mistake. Didn’t realise until I’d walked halfway down to the autopsy bay that…” he shakes his head “…anyway, try opening up the program. Fifth line of code, change the seventh zero for a one.”
Andy lets the subject drop. He’s pretty sure that his pity would be less of a help than a hindrance, as polite as Ianto might be about it. Instead, he follows the other’s instruction, tapping keys and then sitting back, fully expecting yet another failure.
Instead, the screen suddenly turns black.
“Uh…Ianto. I think I broke it.”
Ianto stands, coming to stand behind him. The screen flickers, once, twice, before a window appears with what appears to be three security questions. At least, that’s what Andy’s guessing they are, but they appear to be in some kind of code. It’s all nonsense to him, but apparently it means something to Ianto as he grins and takes Andy’s place in front of the computer, immediately beginning to type. Andy points at the first question.
“V.D.O.P.A.O…11,35,408. What does that mean when it’s at home?”
Ianto smirks, appearing amused. “It’s a reference number for an item in the archives. V.D.O.P.A.O stands for ‘Vaguely Dangerous Object of Possible Alien Origin’, and the number tells me where in the archives it’s located. That item…” he taps the screen “…is a tub of hair gel. Shockwaves, if I remember rightly.”
Andy swallows nervously. “Shockwaves hair gel is made by aliens? But I’ve got a tub of that at home, use it when I’m going out on the pull.”
“No, no. Me and Tosh just hid it there as a joke. It was Owen’s.”
“…Right.” Andy doesn’t quite get the joke. Maybe you had to have been there. He shrugs. “And the other two?”
Ianto’s filled them all in now, but he pauses before pressing enter to point at them in turn. “’Hostile Intruder- 11/07/08?’ That was a cat called Pebbles that managed to follow Owen down the lift and set off the alarms. And the last one is the reference for a book on ‘Computing for Dummies’ from the 27th century that fell through the Rift early last year.” He smiles sadly, “I think that last one is Tosh’s way of making fun of whoever’s making such a hash of operating her computer system.” He pauses for a moment, then presses the button on the Bluetooth earpiece that seems to be pretty much a part of Torchwood uniform.
“Jack, Gwen, you might want to come down here.”
Andy doesn’t hear if there’s any response, but moments Gwen joins them from the office upstairs, followed a brief pause later by Jack, who’d been making a phone call from one of the desks.
“So, what’ve you got?” Gwen asks.
“Tosh left us a quiz.” Ianto replies, and quickly hits enter. The dialogue box disappears, and the Torchwood emblem fills the screen once more.
“Huh. So what was that for then? Nothing’s happened.”
Ianto breathes in slowly. “I thought she might have left us another message.” He sounds kind of defeated.
Jack turns away suddenly, seemingly distraught. Gwen places a comforting hand on his shoulder, and Andy belatedly remembers who’s who, now that they’ve swapped places. He turns back to the computer, unwilling to intrude on their private grief, and notices that there’s a little paperclip, like you get on Microsoft word, down in the right hand corner of the screen. There’s a speech bubble above it, that reads ‘Hi Ianto (I’m guessing it will be you), I see you passed my little entry exam. This should make your life easier, until you can get someone new. I added to it whenever I had time, so hopefully there’s enough information to be of use…Welcome to Tosh’s Hub Help - what are you trying to do?’
“You lot, look at this!”
He half expects to be ignored again, but surprisingly enough, he immediately has the attention of the other three. He watches as the blank, shut down expression flees from Ianto’s face, a grin taking its place as he reclaims the keyboard from Andy, quickly typing ‘flip sound recording’ and pressing enter. A new speech bubble appears, reading ‘Select the file you want inverted. For complex sounds, it might take a few hours. If it’s anything off that CD that Owen keeps playing in the autopsy bay, it should be ready within seconds, but I can’t guarantee that it will sound any better! Good luck x’
“She must have set this up before she died,” Ianto mutters, his voice carrying a trace of sadness amidst the clear pride for his ex-team-mate “…written it into the system to initialise if a certain number of mistakes were made after she had been logged out.” He looks up the file that they’d saved the recording from Andy’s phone to, selects it, and then steps back in satisfaction as the program starts up.
“She really was a genius, wasn’t she?” comes Gwen’s voice from behind him, sounding overwhelmingly proud. Andy nods in agreement with Jack, even if he didn’t really know her, it was the impression that he was beginning to get.
“She certainly was.” Gwen agrees, smiling through her tears.
Part 5