[oneshot] Detective Inohara & The Phantom Thief Couple
Title: Detective Inohara & The Phantom Thief Couple
Group: V6.
Pairing: Gen.
Rating: G
Warning: AU, very childish.
Summary: The Inohara Squad faces a cheeky and mildly invasive enemy.
N/A: written for ltgmars for the V6 exchange!! i took so long to post this here wtf.
Dead night; and a raging storm spread its icy blanket over the grey, grey city. White noise muffled the whispers and silent screams of the citizens as they roam in the shadows, blind and violent, full of uncontrolled animalistic instincts.
That’s how Detective Inohara saw the city, anyway, but that’s because he likes to think he’s a noir flick character.
In all truth, the storm wasn’t even that raging, it was barely a proper storm. It was icy, though, and it did create a sound similar to white noise, but there wouldn’t be many “whispers” and “silent screams” it could muffle in a Monday night.
Detective Inohara was painfully bored, but glad for not having to go out in the rain; as much as he liked his job and being in action, the thought of chasing a runaway rich woman’s dog in such cold pouring rain seemed a bit humiliating. He was also glad that the business is doing well, since he had already experienced a long enough drought period for that year, he’d hate to go back to eating rice with rice and a side dish of rice. He was also hungry, yes. When would his minions come back? They sure were taking long enough.
Just as he thought that, the door burst open, and the so-called minions came in. They looked very wet and pathetic, just like the plastic bag they brought (food was inside!), and, if Detective Inohara wasn’t mistaken, they were in a very terrible mood.
“So? How did it go?” He asked, giving them his brightest smile.
Both of them shot him looks that could kill.
“… not so well, I gather.”
“You don’t know half of it,” Minion Number One, or Morita Go, said. “If it had been just the dog, we’d be okay. First, we ran into a mugging scene. Then, that hellbent phantom thief couple showed up.”
“!!!!” Detective Inohara made a surprised sound while filling his mouth with tonkatsu sandwich.
“They took a bunch of ancient masks from the folk art museum. We failed to get any of them back,” Minion Number Two, or Miyake Ken, said. “Also, I made a promise that, if I spot them around again, I’ll shoot first and ask later.”
“Y’u don’ efen ca’y yo’ gun wif y’u,” Go criticized, mouth full of onigiri.
“Guys, this is serious. It’s the third time they rob a museum just this month,” Detective Inohara said sternly. “I didn’t even know there were so many museums spread around this town. We have to act quickly.”
“What for?” Go swallowed in order to speak more clearly. “We’re not the police, we’re detectives. We don’t have to do anything.”
“They’re targeting us!” Ken remarked. “They always show up when we’re outside! Next thing we know, they’ll be throwing roses with official challenge letters tied to them!”
Detective Inohara chuckled a little at the idea, and then felt a strong gust of wind hit his back. It was so strong and cold and sudden that he fell off his chair onto the ground, trying to instinctively defend himself from the wind. It was gone as suddenly as it came, however, and Detective Inohara winced when he saw what was on the floor.
Right in front of him was all his paperwork, scattered.
And also, beside of his desk, a red rose was fallen on the ground, with a very wet piece of paper tied to it.
“Okay,” Go had to concede. “I’m done with this stuff. Let’s go after them.”
Of course, they couldn’t start chasing the phantom thief couple all alone; they’d be easily overpowered by the agile, cunning masked men. In those situations, Detective Inohara always said that
“There are things you can’t do without a policeman by your side.”
Or something like that.
In a way or another, the Inohara Squad made contact with an old acquaintance from the police force, who was less than enthusiastic to cooperate.
“I’ll be dead before I cooperate with you for this,” Officer Sakamoto said, eyes sharp.
“Maa-kun, please!” Detective Inohara pressed the subject, trusting his minions to corner Sakamoto in case he tried to run away. “There’s no way we’d be able to catch him alone! We need help from the police!”
“Well, that’s not my division, so forget about it! Go ask-go ask the Phantom Thief Department!” The policeman became increasingly fidgety.
“There’s a Phantom Thief Department?” Go asked Ken.
“No, there isn’t,” Ken answered.
“The situation is dire!” Detective Inohara practically cornered Officer Sakamoto against his own desk. “They’re stealing the city’s precious treasures! How long before they start committing viler crimes?”
“You have to understand-” A knock on the door. “Come in.”
Officer Okada came in. He was one of Sakamoto’s subordinates.
“Here’s the report of the Persian cat incident. Nakai-san told me he wants you to review it before sending it officially.” Upon seeing the detective trio in the room, Okada smiled and bowed lightly. “Good morning.”
“Okada! You have to convince this old geezer to help us!” Ken appealed.
“Okada-kun!” Detective Inohara latched on him as if he were the messiah, holding his shoulders firmly. “I beg you! We need you to convince your boss to help us on capturing the phantom thief couple!”
“Phantom thief couple?” Okada blinked, confused.
“Oh, that’s right! Why don’t you people take Okada with you?” Sakamoto pointed at the younger policeman accusatorily.
“Wait, what are you talking about?” Okada was still very confused.
“You don’t know about the phantom thief couple, Okada?” Go frowned.
Upon Officer Okada’s negative response, they started telling the story.
The phantom thief couple made their first appearance about three months before the present scene. They were short, sly men who wore always wore matching outfits - black & copper for one, white & gold for the other - and swept across town stealing ancient and/or precious exhibits from museums or antique stores, occasionally expensive clothing and electronics as well. Their mischievous acts always happened when the Inohara squad was out on duty, always close by, always full of pageantry in order to attract the detectives’ attention. The clues were too few and the squad was too busy with paid missions to actually investigate why the phantom thieves were being so specific, so their intent was to capture them and that was it. Then, maybe, they’d have some answers and, at last, some peace.
For that, however, they’d need help from the police, because, otherwise, invading a museum at night would be considered illegal. Upon their failure at persuading either Sakamoto or Okada to accompain them, though, they were forced to do things the hard way.
“The risk is big, so let’s try to do it as quick as possible,” Detective Inohara commanded, tiptoeing across the museum’s hall. “If Nagano-san find out about it, this will be the last time we’ll be able to sneak into somewhere.” Colonel Nagano was the chief of the local police department.
“Don’t worry. We’ll be gone like the wind,” Go declared, searching the place for human presence with this lamp.
“Why are they focused on antique stuff anyway?” Ken couldn’t stop thinking about their reasons, casually voicing out his thoughts from times to times.
“Soon, we’ll know,” Detective Inohara reassured his faithful minion, leading them forward. “Now come. This museum has a very famous gems section. They have a huge 800 years old alexandrite whose esteemed value is about three hundred million yens!”
“… why are they keeping a thing so expensive in a museum with such lame security,” Ken deadpanned, apparently upset.
“Well, it’s a quiet town,” Detective Inohara tried to justify.
A loud clang interrupted the discussion. When Detective Inohara and Ken looked forward, Go was staring back at them with some surprise, picking the door’s lock.
“It was just you,” the detectives sighed in relief.
“Someone has to do the dirty work around here,” Go mumbled, dissatisfied, as he finished his work.
It was a long walk down the hallway, but not too long - actually, it seemed longer than it actually was because of the dark and the alarming silence, the kind of silence that makes you think there’s a wild animal following you. Their cheap lanterns didn’t do much of a good job at illuminating their path, and shadows danced on the frames of the showcases, creating fleeting illusions of movement in the shadows, like dozens of silent capes.
Eventually, they reached the section with no big accidents; tiptoeing, all too careful, they entered the section, ensured by the silence that the hall was otherwise empty. As they thought, there was no one there - yet.
“Here we are. And there it is,” Detective Inohara signalized the alexandrite with his lantern. “Now we only have to wait. I think they’ll make an appearance-”
“Now!” A fourth voice echoed through the hall, and the squad was startled as the sound of twirling capes filled the place like raging drums.
The detectives came closer to each other by instinct, back to back, their lanterns darting through the whole hall in search of the source of the noise. Soon, Ken’s lantern’s captured something.
“There!” He shouted, and all the lanterns focused on the signalized place, undoing the previous formation.
Bathed by the light, there stood them: the phantom thief couple, in their inhumanly flashy clothing that reflected and diffracted the light like a prism. White and gold, black and copper, top hats, capes, masks, canes, they were almost a too absurd of a vision to actually be real.
“Here we are, face to face,” the one clad in white and gold said, but he said it so casually that it was like he was greeting them on the streets. “The detectives. You finally decided to chase us, I see.”
“Who are you? What do you want?” At a loss of anything else to say, Detective Inohara asked.
“Actually, I’m Okada,” in a rather anticlimactic plot twist, the one dressed in black and copper took off his mask and hat and revealed himself to be Officer Okada, Sakamoto’s subordinate. “Hi.”
A long moment of silence succeeded this revelation. The three detectives were very much shocked, and also a bit angry for not noticing that there couldn’t be two persons in the same town so ridiculously short. In their defense, it’s not like they had ever seen Okada’s hair, and a person becomes surprisingly less like themselves if their hair can’t be seen.
“Okada-kun? I cannot believe my eyes!” Detective Inohara shouted theatrically. “Or my ears, for that matter! Why are you doing this? Stealing! Where’s your honor as a policeman?”
“Well,” Okada made a gesture with his cane, about to give an explanation - but instead, he closed his mouth, waiting a moment to repeat, “well.”
“Don’t be like this to him!” the white and golden phantom thief interfered. “We don’t plan to keep the jewels to ourselves anyway. They aren’t that easy to sell.”
The detectives were about to question them further about the reason behind their acts - specially after that confusing statement - but, quicker than any thought, the unnamed thief threw a potent smoke bomb in the trio’s direction, blinding and startling them.
“Are we dead?!” Go shouted in mild panic.
“They’re going for the alexandrite! Stop them!” Detective Inohara shouted, running blindly toward where he thought the gem was and crashing with full force against a huge showcase filled with crystals. “Oops,” he whimpered as the crystals hit the floor one by one.
“We don’t have the money for repairs!” Ken reminded him (a bit too late) as he himself slid over a table rather clumsily, dropping a small piece of malachite and several opals.
As the brave Detective Inohara managed to untangle himself from the mess of the fallen showcase, he sensed danger and quickly ducked down from a flying object. Such movement was proven to be wise, as the flying object, which was now stuck on the wall behind him, revealed itself to be a sharp kitchen knife.
“A new enemy!” the chief detective warned as tiny forks started cutting the air. “Down! Stay down!”
The smoke quickly dissipated, revealing, much to the detectives’ dismay, that the alexandrite was no longer on its stand. However, that observation was quickly overshadowed my the brutal change of scenario they witnessed: the phantom thieves were on the ground, fallen, apparently hurt, as a new bizarre figure stood over them in a victorious pose.
And calling it “bizarre” would be saying few about this new element. It was a tall, lean man, clad in a long coat that was very similar both to a chef’s apron and a military jacket; black pants and boots full of colorful glass details emerged from the hem of the coat, and on his head stood a tall hat - a chef’s hat, but with a hem. As a final touch to the costume, the man wore shiny goggles over his eyes and an opaque surgical mask over his mouth, and the hands that held menacing knives and hatchets were protected by tight leather cooking mittens.
It was a nightmare and somehow mesmerizing.
“So you’re finally here…” the unnamed thief, who seemed to be the one hurt, muttered under his breath.
“Who are you?” Ken shouted at the tall intruder. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m the delicate spirit who patrols these streets at night,” the stranger said, but his voice sounded tired and annoyed rather than theatrical or ominous as someone would’ve expected. “Of a crunchy exterior and tender heart, I aim to remove all evil from this town. I am… Captain Cooking.”
Heavy silence. Captain Cooking, who already seemed tired and annoyed before, looked positively miserable at the lack of reaction.
“And you, vile criminals,” he added, still not a single bit excited. “Will be punished in the pans of disgrace for your evildoings!”
“That’s a good one,” Detective Inohara said, trying to encourage the hero. It only made everyone stare at him in confusion. “The pans of disgrace. It was a good, um, metaphor. Really heroic.”
“You seem to have acquired a knack for dramaturgy,” the unnamed thief said, smirking.
“As if. My boss wrote this stuff down for me. He said it activates my power or something,” Captain Cooking pulled out a folded sheet of paper from inside his coat. “I don’t believe it, but you never know.”
“So you haven’t made your decision yet,” Okada said matter-of-factly.
“Wait, wait! What is going on here?” Ken tried to interrupt.
“I made my decision! I have made my decision back then when I received this badge!” The hero pointed at the golden badge pinned on the left side of his chest: it had a tomato wearing a police cap engraved on it. “I’m not a superhero! I’m not even a regular hero! I’m just Sakamoto, the senior policeman who helps lost tourists and does paperwork!”
The three detectives gaped at the revelation.
“Maa-kun?!” they shouted in unison.
“Maa-kun?” the white and golden thief looked confused.
“It’s Sakamoto! Don’t humiliate me any further while I’m wearing this ridiculous costume!” Captain Cooking - no, Officer Sakamoto - shouted back.
“Why is Okada robbing museums and Sakamoto-san suddenly a superhero?” Go asked, taking care to use the policeman’s name respectfully. “What is happening? And why do we have anything to do with this?”
“Moreover,” Ken added. “Who are you?” he pointed accusatorily at the yet unnamed white and golden phantom thief.
The thiefe removed his top hat dramatically, followed by his mask. He looked young, not older than twenty-five, and had jet-black hair. “I’m Ninomiya. I’m Officer Sakamoto’s neighbor. I have lived beside him since I was a child.”
“Oh…” the three detectives looked at each other in a cryptic silence.
“Ninomiya-kun,” Detective Inohara got up, trying to look a bit more honorable. “Why are you and Okada-kun acting like thieves? Moreover, why have you been targeting my squad?”
Before starting the explanation, Phantom Thief Ninomiya glanced at his partner, looking for reassurance. Okada nodded shortly, putting a hand on his shoulder. Such a dramatic scene. They sure liked to imagine they were starring in some film.
“Three months ago, a mysterious man in a suit carrying a small box appeared at the apartment complex,” Ninomiya started narrating, giving up on his wounded position and simply sitting down on the marble floor. “He’d stalk Officer Sakamoto’s door, so I could always see him through the spyglass. He insisted on seeing Officer Sakamoto, and, when they did meet, he gave him the small box. It contained that badge,” Ninomiya pointed at the badge on Sakamoto’s chest. “I heard everything from the inside of my apartment. The badge apparently contains magic powers that choose a new master every 100 years, and Officer Sakamoto is the current chosen one.”
A pause ensued, as if he had finished the whole story. Upon seeing that no one was quite satisfied with that quick explanation, Ninomiya cleaned his throat and went on.
“I thought it would be interesting,” he said. “I mean, Officer Sakamoto was never quite the superhero type at work, but, when you get to know him, he really acts like one. In the neighborhood, he’s always helping the elders at cleaning and finances, and he even teaches the children how to ride bikes and cook for their parents…”
“Woooo, Maa-kun,” Detective Inohara grinned. “Who knew you were such a knight in shiny armor!”
“Shut it,” Officer Sakamoto snarled.
“… and he’s in general very kind and witty. I thought, isn’t this person full of unexpected superhero material?” Ninomiya had ignored the exchange. “Since he wouldn’t accept the badge, I made a pact with Okada to become phantom thieves, so he’d have to chase us in his superhero form. We weren’t just picking on your squad, by the way,” he added, glancing at the detectives. “We targeted Officer Sakamoto directly too.”
“And you knew all of that!” Sakamoto pointed a hatchet at Okada, outraged.
“Actually, I didn’t know much. But I think the outfit suits you,” Okada said nonchalantly. “I mean, it makes sense, right? You’re a policeman, and also a good cook. Captain Cooking.”
“I’m done! I’m done with this, and I’m done with both of you!” Suddenly upset, Sakamoto impulsively threw a knife that landed right in front of Go’s knees, brushing past Ken’s hair. “Let go of that alexandrite and leave before I cut both of you to pieces and serve your flesh to the elders I’m supposedly so nice with!”
Okada and Ninomiya glanced at each other, momentarily conflicted. After Sakamoto threw another knife, this time hitting a poster across the room, they decided to do as told: abandon the gem on the floor and leave, Ninomiya with his cape torn and left thigh bleeding lightly.
“Ah, Sakamoto-san,” Okada say as they were making their way out, standing on the window’s frame. “It might be an inappropriate question, but… do you really have superpowers?”
The answer came shaped as a fork set ablaze that flew right past Okada’s shoulder, scorching his cape slightly. In the next second, he’s gone.
All that was left from the encounter was the mess, the three detectives surrounded by said mess, and the policeman-slash-superhero standing on the table with small balls of fire sprouting from the tips of his fingers.
A month later.
“Catch them! They’re losing stamina!” Detective Inohara commanded as his minions started losing their breath.
“So are we!” Ken spit out viciously.
“Leave us alone! It’s not you who we want!” Ninomiya shouted in a bratty tone as Okada carried the jade vases with certain difficulty.
“We want to be there to see it too!” Detective Inohara threw back whiningly. “Come on! You can do better than this!”
“Inocchi, your legs are too long!” Okada protested, the vases taking their toll on him. One of them - the biggest, esteemed to cost a billion yens - slipped from his hands, falling to death from the roof they were running on. “Oops.”
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TIME, YOU BRATS?” a flaming machete came flying from the same direction the vase had fallen. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COSTS? MORE THAN YOUR GODDAMN SOULS!!”
“HE’S HERE! RUN!!” Detective Inohara screamed, and the detectives sprinted into the night - now no longer chasing the thieves.
Group: V6.
Pairing: Gen.
Rating: G
Warning: AU, very childish.
Summary: The Inohara Squad faces a cheeky and mildly invasive enemy.
N/A: written for ltgmars for the V6 exchange!! i took so long to post this here wtf.
Dead night; and a raging storm spread its icy blanket over the grey, grey city. White noise muffled the whispers and silent screams of the citizens as they roam in the shadows, blind and violent, full of uncontrolled animalistic instincts.
That’s how Detective Inohara saw the city, anyway, but that’s because he likes to think he’s a noir flick character.
In all truth, the storm wasn’t even that raging, it was barely a proper storm. It was icy, though, and it did create a sound similar to white noise, but there wouldn’t be many “whispers” and “silent screams” it could muffle in a Monday night.
Detective Inohara was painfully bored, but glad for not having to go out in the rain; as much as he liked his job and being in action, the thought of chasing a runaway rich woman’s dog in such cold pouring rain seemed a bit humiliating. He was also glad that the business is doing well, since he had already experienced a long enough drought period for that year, he’d hate to go back to eating rice with rice and a side dish of rice. He was also hungry, yes. When would his minions come back? They sure were taking long enough.
Just as he thought that, the door burst open, and the so-called minions came in. They looked very wet and pathetic, just like the plastic bag they brought (food was inside!), and, if Detective Inohara wasn’t mistaken, they were in a very terrible mood.
“So? How did it go?” He asked, giving them his brightest smile.
Both of them shot him looks that could kill.
“… not so well, I gather.”
“You don’t know half of it,” Minion Number One, or Morita Go, said. “If it had been just the dog, we’d be okay. First, we ran into a mugging scene. Then, that hellbent phantom thief couple showed up.”
“!!!!” Detective Inohara made a surprised sound while filling his mouth with tonkatsu sandwich.
“They took a bunch of ancient masks from the folk art museum. We failed to get any of them back,” Minion Number Two, or Miyake Ken, said. “Also, I made a promise that, if I spot them around again, I’ll shoot first and ask later.”
“Y’u don’ efen ca’y yo’ gun wif y’u,” Go criticized, mouth full of onigiri.
“Guys, this is serious. It’s the third time they rob a museum just this month,” Detective Inohara said sternly. “I didn’t even know there were so many museums spread around this town. We have to act quickly.”
“What for?” Go swallowed in order to speak more clearly. “We’re not the police, we’re detectives. We don’t have to do anything.”
“They’re targeting us!” Ken remarked. “They always show up when we’re outside! Next thing we know, they’ll be throwing roses with official challenge letters tied to them!”
Detective Inohara chuckled a little at the idea, and then felt a strong gust of wind hit his back. It was so strong and cold and sudden that he fell off his chair onto the ground, trying to instinctively defend himself from the wind. It was gone as suddenly as it came, however, and Detective Inohara winced when he saw what was on the floor.
Right in front of him was all his paperwork, scattered.
And also, beside of his desk, a red rose was fallen on the ground, with a very wet piece of paper tied to it.
“Okay,” Go had to concede. “I’m done with this stuff. Let’s go after them.”
Of course, they couldn’t start chasing the phantom thief couple all alone; they’d be easily overpowered by the agile, cunning masked men. In those situations, Detective Inohara always said that
“There are things you can’t do without a policeman by your side.”
Or something like that.
In a way or another, the Inohara Squad made contact with an old acquaintance from the police force, who was less than enthusiastic to cooperate.
“I’ll be dead before I cooperate with you for this,” Officer Sakamoto said, eyes sharp.
“Maa-kun, please!” Detective Inohara pressed the subject, trusting his minions to corner Sakamoto in case he tried to run away. “There’s no way we’d be able to catch him alone! We need help from the police!”
“Well, that’s not my division, so forget about it! Go ask-go ask the Phantom Thief Department!” The policeman became increasingly fidgety.
“There’s a Phantom Thief Department?” Go asked Ken.
“No, there isn’t,” Ken answered.
“The situation is dire!” Detective Inohara practically cornered Officer Sakamoto against his own desk. “They’re stealing the city’s precious treasures! How long before they start committing viler crimes?”
“You have to understand-” A knock on the door. “Come in.”
Officer Okada came in. He was one of Sakamoto’s subordinates.
“Here’s the report of the Persian cat incident. Nakai-san told me he wants you to review it before sending it officially.” Upon seeing the detective trio in the room, Okada smiled and bowed lightly. “Good morning.”
“Okada! You have to convince this old geezer to help us!” Ken appealed.
“Okada-kun!” Detective Inohara latched on him as if he were the messiah, holding his shoulders firmly. “I beg you! We need you to convince your boss to help us on capturing the phantom thief couple!”
“Phantom thief couple?” Okada blinked, confused.
“Oh, that’s right! Why don’t you people take Okada with you?” Sakamoto pointed at the younger policeman accusatorily.
“Wait, what are you talking about?” Okada was still very confused.
“You don’t know about the phantom thief couple, Okada?” Go frowned.
Upon Officer Okada’s negative response, they started telling the story.
The phantom thief couple made their first appearance about three months before the present scene. They were short, sly men who wore always wore matching outfits - black & copper for one, white & gold for the other - and swept across town stealing ancient and/or precious exhibits from museums or antique stores, occasionally expensive clothing and electronics as well. Their mischievous acts always happened when the Inohara squad was out on duty, always close by, always full of pageantry in order to attract the detectives’ attention. The clues were too few and the squad was too busy with paid missions to actually investigate why the phantom thieves were being so specific, so their intent was to capture them and that was it. Then, maybe, they’d have some answers and, at last, some peace.
For that, however, they’d need help from the police, because, otherwise, invading a museum at night would be considered illegal. Upon their failure at persuading either Sakamoto or Okada to accompain them, though, they were forced to do things the hard way.
“The risk is big, so let’s try to do it as quick as possible,” Detective Inohara commanded, tiptoeing across the museum’s hall. “If Nagano-san find out about it, this will be the last time we’ll be able to sneak into somewhere.” Colonel Nagano was the chief of the local police department.
“Don’t worry. We’ll be gone like the wind,” Go declared, searching the place for human presence with this lamp.
“Why are they focused on antique stuff anyway?” Ken couldn’t stop thinking about their reasons, casually voicing out his thoughts from times to times.
“Soon, we’ll know,” Detective Inohara reassured his faithful minion, leading them forward. “Now come. This museum has a very famous gems section. They have a huge 800 years old alexandrite whose esteemed value is about three hundred million yens!”
“… why are they keeping a thing so expensive in a museum with such lame security,” Ken deadpanned, apparently upset.
“Well, it’s a quiet town,” Detective Inohara tried to justify.
A loud clang interrupted the discussion. When Detective Inohara and Ken looked forward, Go was staring back at them with some surprise, picking the door’s lock.
“It was just you,” the detectives sighed in relief.
“Someone has to do the dirty work around here,” Go mumbled, dissatisfied, as he finished his work.
It was a long walk down the hallway, but not too long - actually, it seemed longer than it actually was because of the dark and the alarming silence, the kind of silence that makes you think there’s a wild animal following you. Their cheap lanterns didn’t do much of a good job at illuminating their path, and shadows danced on the frames of the showcases, creating fleeting illusions of movement in the shadows, like dozens of silent capes.
Eventually, they reached the section with no big accidents; tiptoeing, all too careful, they entered the section, ensured by the silence that the hall was otherwise empty. As they thought, there was no one there - yet.
“Here we are. And there it is,” Detective Inohara signalized the alexandrite with his lantern. “Now we only have to wait. I think they’ll make an appearance-”
“Now!” A fourth voice echoed through the hall, and the squad was startled as the sound of twirling capes filled the place like raging drums.
The detectives came closer to each other by instinct, back to back, their lanterns darting through the whole hall in search of the source of the noise. Soon, Ken’s lantern’s captured something.
“There!” He shouted, and all the lanterns focused on the signalized place, undoing the previous formation.
Bathed by the light, there stood them: the phantom thief couple, in their inhumanly flashy clothing that reflected and diffracted the light like a prism. White and gold, black and copper, top hats, capes, masks, canes, they were almost a too absurd of a vision to actually be real.
“Here we are, face to face,” the one clad in white and gold said, but he said it so casually that it was like he was greeting them on the streets. “The detectives. You finally decided to chase us, I see.”
“Who are you? What do you want?” At a loss of anything else to say, Detective Inohara asked.
“Actually, I’m Okada,” in a rather anticlimactic plot twist, the one dressed in black and copper took off his mask and hat and revealed himself to be Officer Okada, Sakamoto’s subordinate. “Hi.”
A long moment of silence succeeded this revelation. The three detectives were very much shocked, and also a bit angry for not noticing that there couldn’t be two persons in the same town so ridiculously short. In their defense, it’s not like they had ever seen Okada’s hair, and a person becomes surprisingly less like themselves if their hair can’t be seen.
“Okada-kun? I cannot believe my eyes!” Detective Inohara shouted theatrically. “Or my ears, for that matter! Why are you doing this? Stealing! Where’s your honor as a policeman?”
“Well,” Okada made a gesture with his cane, about to give an explanation - but instead, he closed his mouth, waiting a moment to repeat, “well.”
“Don’t be like this to him!” the white and golden phantom thief interfered. “We don’t plan to keep the jewels to ourselves anyway. They aren’t that easy to sell.”
The detectives were about to question them further about the reason behind their acts - specially after that confusing statement - but, quicker than any thought, the unnamed thief threw a potent smoke bomb in the trio’s direction, blinding and startling them.
“Are we dead?!” Go shouted in mild panic.
“They’re going for the alexandrite! Stop them!” Detective Inohara shouted, running blindly toward where he thought the gem was and crashing with full force against a huge showcase filled with crystals. “Oops,” he whimpered as the crystals hit the floor one by one.
“We don’t have the money for repairs!” Ken reminded him (a bit too late) as he himself slid over a table rather clumsily, dropping a small piece of malachite and several opals.
As the brave Detective Inohara managed to untangle himself from the mess of the fallen showcase, he sensed danger and quickly ducked down from a flying object. Such movement was proven to be wise, as the flying object, which was now stuck on the wall behind him, revealed itself to be a sharp kitchen knife.
“A new enemy!” the chief detective warned as tiny forks started cutting the air. “Down! Stay down!”
The smoke quickly dissipated, revealing, much to the detectives’ dismay, that the alexandrite was no longer on its stand. However, that observation was quickly overshadowed my the brutal change of scenario they witnessed: the phantom thieves were on the ground, fallen, apparently hurt, as a new bizarre figure stood over them in a victorious pose.
And calling it “bizarre” would be saying few about this new element. It was a tall, lean man, clad in a long coat that was very similar both to a chef’s apron and a military jacket; black pants and boots full of colorful glass details emerged from the hem of the coat, and on his head stood a tall hat - a chef’s hat, but with a hem. As a final touch to the costume, the man wore shiny goggles over his eyes and an opaque surgical mask over his mouth, and the hands that held menacing knives and hatchets were protected by tight leather cooking mittens.
It was a nightmare and somehow mesmerizing.
“So you’re finally here…” the unnamed thief, who seemed to be the one hurt, muttered under his breath.
“Who are you?” Ken shouted at the tall intruder. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m the delicate spirit who patrols these streets at night,” the stranger said, but his voice sounded tired and annoyed rather than theatrical or ominous as someone would’ve expected. “Of a crunchy exterior and tender heart, I aim to remove all evil from this town. I am… Captain Cooking.”
Heavy silence. Captain Cooking, who already seemed tired and annoyed before, looked positively miserable at the lack of reaction.
“And you, vile criminals,” he added, still not a single bit excited. “Will be punished in the pans of disgrace for your evildoings!”
“That’s a good one,” Detective Inohara said, trying to encourage the hero. It only made everyone stare at him in confusion. “The pans of disgrace. It was a good, um, metaphor. Really heroic.”
“You seem to have acquired a knack for dramaturgy,” the unnamed thief said, smirking.
“As if. My boss wrote this stuff down for me. He said it activates my power or something,” Captain Cooking pulled out a folded sheet of paper from inside his coat. “I don’t believe it, but you never know.”
“So you haven’t made your decision yet,” Okada said matter-of-factly.
“Wait, wait! What is going on here?” Ken tried to interrupt.
“I made my decision! I have made my decision back then when I received this badge!” The hero pointed at the golden badge pinned on the left side of his chest: it had a tomato wearing a police cap engraved on it. “I’m not a superhero! I’m not even a regular hero! I’m just Sakamoto, the senior policeman who helps lost tourists and does paperwork!”
The three detectives gaped at the revelation.
“Maa-kun?!” they shouted in unison.
“Maa-kun?” the white and golden thief looked confused.
“It’s Sakamoto! Don’t humiliate me any further while I’m wearing this ridiculous costume!” Captain Cooking - no, Officer Sakamoto - shouted back.
“Why is Okada robbing museums and Sakamoto-san suddenly a superhero?” Go asked, taking care to use the policeman’s name respectfully. “What is happening? And why do we have anything to do with this?”
“Moreover,” Ken added. “Who are you?” he pointed accusatorily at the yet unnamed white and golden phantom thief.
The thiefe removed his top hat dramatically, followed by his mask. He looked young, not older than twenty-five, and had jet-black hair. “I’m Ninomiya. I’m Officer Sakamoto’s neighbor. I have lived beside him since I was a child.”
“Oh…” the three detectives looked at each other in a cryptic silence.
“Ninomiya-kun,” Detective Inohara got up, trying to look a bit more honorable. “Why are you and Okada-kun acting like thieves? Moreover, why have you been targeting my squad?”
Before starting the explanation, Phantom Thief Ninomiya glanced at his partner, looking for reassurance. Okada nodded shortly, putting a hand on his shoulder. Such a dramatic scene. They sure liked to imagine they were starring in some film.
“Three months ago, a mysterious man in a suit carrying a small box appeared at the apartment complex,” Ninomiya started narrating, giving up on his wounded position and simply sitting down on the marble floor. “He’d stalk Officer Sakamoto’s door, so I could always see him through the spyglass. He insisted on seeing Officer Sakamoto, and, when they did meet, he gave him the small box. It contained that badge,” Ninomiya pointed at the badge on Sakamoto’s chest. “I heard everything from the inside of my apartment. The badge apparently contains magic powers that choose a new master every 100 years, and Officer Sakamoto is the current chosen one.”
A pause ensued, as if he had finished the whole story. Upon seeing that no one was quite satisfied with that quick explanation, Ninomiya cleaned his throat and went on.
“I thought it would be interesting,” he said. “I mean, Officer Sakamoto was never quite the superhero type at work, but, when you get to know him, he really acts like one. In the neighborhood, he’s always helping the elders at cleaning and finances, and he even teaches the children how to ride bikes and cook for their parents…”
“Woooo, Maa-kun,” Detective Inohara grinned. “Who knew you were such a knight in shiny armor!”
“Shut it,” Officer Sakamoto snarled.
“… and he’s in general very kind and witty. I thought, isn’t this person full of unexpected superhero material?” Ninomiya had ignored the exchange. “Since he wouldn’t accept the badge, I made a pact with Okada to become phantom thieves, so he’d have to chase us in his superhero form. We weren’t just picking on your squad, by the way,” he added, glancing at the detectives. “We targeted Officer Sakamoto directly too.”
“And you knew all of that!” Sakamoto pointed a hatchet at Okada, outraged.
“Actually, I didn’t know much. But I think the outfit suits you,” Okada said nonchalantly. “I mean, it makes sense, right? You’re a policeman, and also a good cook. Captain Cooking.”
“I’m done! I’m done with this, and I’m done with both of you!” Suddenly upset, Sakamoto impulsively threw a knife that landed right in front of Go’s knees, brushing past Ken’s hair. “Let go of that alexandrite and leave before I cut both of you to pieces and serve your flesh to the elders I’m supposedly so nice with!”
Okada and Ninomiya glanced at each other, momentarily conflicted. After Sakamoto threw another knife, this time hitting a poster across the room, they decided to do as told: abandon the gem on the floor and leave, Ninomiya with his cape torn and left thigh bleeding lightly.
“Ah, Sakamoto-san,” Okada say as they were making their way out, standing on the window’s frame. “It might be an inappropriate question, but… do you really have superpowers?”
The answer came shaped as a fork set ablaze that flew right past Okada’s shoulder, scorching his cape slightly. In the next second, he’s gone.
All that was left from the encounter was the mess, the three detectives surrounded by said mess, and the policeman-slash-superhero standing on the table with small balls of fire sprouting from the tips of his fingers.
A month later.
“Catch them! They’re losing stamina!” Detective Inohara commanded as his minions started losing their breath.
“So are we!” Ken spit out viciously.
“Leave us alone! It’s not you who we want!” Ninomiya shouted in a bratty tone as Okada carried the jade vases with certain difficulty.
“We want to be there to see it too!” Detective Inohara threw back whiningly. “Come on! You can do better than this!”
“Inocchi, your legs are too long!” Okada protested, the vases taking their toll on him. One of them - the biggest, esteemed to cost a billion yens - slipped from his hands, falling to death from the roof they were running on. “Oops.”
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TIME, YOU BRATS?” a flaming machete came flying from the same direction the vase had fallen. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COSTS? MORE THAN YOUR GODDAMN SOULS!!”
“HE’S HERE! RUN!!” Detective Inohara screamed, and the detectives sprinted into the night - now no longer chasing the thieves.