Edit Me... For the Good of the World!

[fullmotor]

There's a job I'm trying to get.  It's a desk job, it involves writing, it's many things that I'm looking for.

It's also the first time I've ever had to submit a writing sample.

So I wrote a little something, a review of the movie Brick.  And I want this thing to be good.  I know that there are many, many writers amongst my friends here, so I'm

Comments

[feanor1138]

Hey man, good luck

[twilight_spirit]

Insert comma after second word, 'Brick'. Prefer a colon for a semi-colon on that first line because the second sentence amplifies what comes before it.

Second graph: replace that first comma with an 'and'. Asyndenton makes the cadence a bit awkward here with that dependent clause already set off by a comma.

Third graph: insert a comma before "and partly for fear..."

Third graph: "In Brendan," needs that comma

Third graph: "...the reality of his character that makes this movie work." Strike 'that', or insert 'It is' at the beginning of the sentence.

Second-to-last sentence: insert comma before 'and the sarcasm and self-awareness...'

No quibbles with the content, just technical things, mostly to do with your commas. Good luck! :)

[baelarion]

Quick note: Duckie is actually from "Pretty in Pink," not "Sixteen Candles".

[sarcasmom]

All, in all, a good pice of writing Michael. I especially think the last two paragraphs are stellar.Her are my suggestions for what they are worth.I dislike using the same descrptive word too close together , or too often. A word like labyrinthine really sticks out. I personally don't think you lose anything by leaving it out of the last sentence of graph #1

[neurotoxicdoll]

-In Brick,
-two American cinematic standards; :
- the reality of his character that makes this movie work. (you counted more than one thing that make the movie work=)
- The movie titles should be italicized.
- This is something you don't need to do, but something that makes the writing flow better: within the first sentence of a next paragraph, use a word from the last sentence of the previous paragraph. For example, for the 4th paragraph, you could add something like "On the hunt for the truth" and then continue with the rest of the sentence.