Is... is it... is it....
WHAT THE FANTASY FUCK WAS THAT?!?!!!
a fantasy commentary.
So I'm in a fantasy football league. Just a few friends of mine and I. We did a random draft and, since there are only four of us in the league, you can imagine we got some pretty hardass teams.
In an amazing stroke of luck I managed to somehow draft both Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger. Brady was especially a coup for me, being a die-hard Patriots fan, so I basically have little use for other quarterbacks. I'll bench Brady on the bye week, and on the off-chance he gets grevously injured. That's it. I don't care if he has a shit season and his numbers start to slip, Brady's going to be my QB, that's how blindly loyal to the Pats I am.
Marc is a gigantic Roth'n'burger fan. It was kind of assumed by everyone in the league that the first thing Marc was going to do was figure out who got Big Ben and offer them a trade.
Marc knows I'm a Brady guy. I know Marc is a Rothenhoffle guy. This was a match made in heaven. Marc was looking for a specific QB, I was in possession of that exact QB and was willing to trade probably at a slight disadvantage to myself just to make him happy. We had an equation going here:
(Jeff + Roethlisberger)x(Marc + Q) = (Jeff + Q)x(Marc + Roethlisberger)
Q is the variable. All Marc had to do was FIND THE VARIABLE and we had some nice solid math going on. Keep in mind that there's more than one correct answer to this problem. Marc has MANY acceptable variables on his team. Matt Hasselbeck, Shaun Alexander, Chad Johnson, Neil Rackers, Eli Manning, a vast cornucopia of choices. So what does Marc decide Q equals?
Q = FUCKING DAUNTE CULPEPPER.
He just goes right out there and INSULTS me with a fair cross for Daunte Gahddamn Tapdancin' Culpepper.
See, I'm gonna pause right now to say that I see what Marc's trying to do here. He's not going to run out all naive and trade me one of his best players right out. It takes some big brass gonads to play coy and lowball me and I respect that.
But JESUS. Throw me a friggin bone here! I have the possible (if he stays off his chopper) legend-in-the-making starting quarterback for the reigning Superbowl champions and he tries to get me to swap for a guy coming off major knee surgery on his first year with one of the shittiest teams in the AFC. And don't try to tell me that the Dolphins aren't shitty. They lost to the Steelers hard on Thursday and ROETHLISBERGER DIDN'T EVEN PLAY THAT GAME. CULPEPPER GOT BEAT BY A SECOND-STRING.
I can hear Marc now. "But he's a RUNNING quarterback!"
Yeah okay a) they're all running quarterbacks if you wish for it hard enough
b) KNEE SURGERY
and c) He's on the Dolphins. He's not going to have a whole hell of a lot of room to run in when his line fucks up and gets him sacked and I lose three points.
So needless to say I declined his offer and counter-offered with a request for Eli Manning or better. He has, over the course of writing this essay, refused.
Marc wants to dance. Oh, I'll dance. I'LL DANCE.
The rest of my team would look good if it wasn't wrought with injury. Christmas came early and I managed to draft not only Brady but Corey Dillon as well, (Dillon was is and forever will be my boy. I wear a #28 jersey on gameday) and also Marvin Harrison, Adam Vinateri, STEVE EFFIN' SMITH (whoot!), and to a lesser extent Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates. I almost shit my pants with glee when I saw I got Steve Smith, but then I learned he's not playing this week so I had to bench him. Fucker. So Roethlisberger, Smith and Dillion are all unlikely to get me any points and Brady's not 100%. Not a good sign. Stay tuned for updates, because you WILL be updated. Frequently.