Extremely overdue
Let me preface this belated update with the greatest moment in football for the past 2 or so years.
They ARE who we THOUGHT they were.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!!
a commentary.
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Well, I'm not going to crown them just yet but a team that can win a game with 24 points and not have a single one of them be due to the offense has at least a slight chance of making it to the playoffs. I'm rooting for the Bears alongside the Patriots because I would love to see a Chicago/New England Superbowl. A) For the trash-talking Karl and I could lob back and forth and B) Payback for '85. THAT'S RIGHT. Even though I was only 4 at the time I'm still mad about the Superbowl Shuffle. Cocky bastards. It may take 20 years but we shall have our revenge! Theoretically I could root for Green Bay too for a rematch of '96, but... you know...
You remember in Godfather II when the young Don Corleone goes back to Sicily and finds the guy who killed his family and he's just a sad old shit in a chair and the guy just screams for help as he gets stabbed in the gut a bunch of times? Yeah.
So, I'm about 7 weeks late. Here's the digest of the Patriots season thus far.
Week 1: There I am on the couch in my Corey Dillon jersey, happier than shit because football season has started up again, and the VERY FIRST PLAY OF THE YEAR has Tom Brady fumbling the football which gets scooped up by Buffalo and run in for a touchdown. Needless to say, I was upset. Luckily, when you hit rock bottom right at the start, there's nowhere to go but up. We somehow managed a win.
Week 2: Very sloppy win over the Jets. We'd be screwed if they didn't have Gomer Pyle as a quarterback. People start talking about Brady's body language.
Week 3: Valiant second-half effort, but defeated by the Broncos. I don't know why but Tom Brady's like 0-5 against the Broncos. Must gave a Manning-Gilette thing going on. Pat at work says Belechick is scared of their coach. He's not that scary. People begin wildly speculating about Tom Brady's body language. They say he is depressed.
Week 4: Hi-LARIOUS performance against the Bengals. Carson Palmer gets sacked like 4 times in a row. People shut up about Brady's body language, though he still kinda looks depressed. I personally think he misses Deion Branch. Dillon (my boy) strains and struggles and finally scores a touchdown againt his former team whom he loathes. He was on the Bengals for a number of years and still holds several clubhouse records, but still (according to him) got treated like crap. His moral victory of a touchdown was followed by a less moral 4-man extended chicken dance in the endzone that yeilded an excessive celebration penalty. Worth every yard if you ask me.
Week 5: Unsurprising win over Miami. Call me arrogant, but Miami really sucks at this point and Culpepper wasn't even playing that day. So yeah. Watched the game at my parents house, and had to refresh my mother about the rules (as best as I could) since she hasn't really kept up with the regulation book since the Oilers were still a team. Although for several questions such as "he ran out of bounds, why didn't the clock stop?" and "that guy on the offensive line is jumping around why don't they throw the flag?" my only reply is "I dunno." I've seen flags get thrown for as much as an arm twitching, but sometimes that can waft a fart over the line of scrimmage and that's fine. I need to pick up "Penalty Flags for Dummies." My mother and I then laughed at my father the baseball fan because he kept calling the penalties "fouls," and listened to my brother make his expert analysis, which was to call just about everything "stupid." Can't really tear him a new one because he must have had about as much fun watching football as I have when he makes us watch Nascar, though I do hold the opinion that the science and strategy of the bellicose ballet is a whole lot more interesting that watching cars make left hand turns all afternoon.
Week 6: Bye week. I still watch football all day but I have sad puppy dog eyes the whole time.
Week 7: Make up for almost screwing the pooch with the Bills the first time by sha-MOOSH-ing them the second time 28-6. I see J.P. Losman without his helmet for the very first time and make the active decision from that point on to refer to him as Adam Sandler.
I'm Crazy-Buffalo-Quarterback-Man, gimme some candy!!
Almost no complaints about the team so far. They're playing like they should play, and aren't alternating winning and losing weeks this year. Playoff hopes are alive and well. Especially since The AFC East is comprised of The currently-kicking-ass Patriots, the Jets and Bills who have been, shall we say, consistently lackluster for the past couple of years, and the Dolphins, who's fanbase seems to have dwindled down to middle-aged men because they're the only people who remember '72.
Veniteri's loss seems almost fortunate as he pulled a groin in the preseason and was out for 3 weeks, and is obviously straining to kick. Willie McGuinest is replaced with Junior Seau. He's almost as good, though not quite as likeable, and friggin scary looking if you ask me. He looks like a Hawaiian Incredibe Hulk. The new RB (Maroney, which I beleive means "Not quite as good as Dillon") is freaky too. Well, they're football players so I guess you want them to scare the other team, right?
Really my only complaint is the loss of Dieon Branch. I know New England has the team mentality and they have no tolerance for people who hold out for more money, but fachrissakes if he's the ONLY wide receiver on the team, at least negotiate. It seems to not have hurt us that much as we're making a lot more tight end plays and we picked up Doug Gabriel, who's doing great, but we still need a solid #1 WR.
My friend Marc seems to think it's going to be Randy Moss. Yeah. Because you see, Moss is really unhappy in Oakland and we need a wide receiver so it's a prefect fit, right? Moss wouldn't have ANY trouble with the Patriot's style. Hell, why don't we just grab T.O. and Keyshawn Johnson while we're at it? Fuck, let's just get Terry Glenn's ass back. He was such a valuable member of the team, and I'm sure he's not angry at all that we fired him a few months before he would have had a ring.
Alright, they screwed with my work schedule and I have to wrap this up so I can get to bed so here's the rest of the nuggets:
T.O. (ALLEGEDLY) tried to off himself with pills and booze but didn't succeed. That's what the sad, attention-starved drama queens in my high school used to do. Hasn't been thrown to enough this year to he telegraphs a suicide attempt. T.O. needs a hug or something.
Brett Favre really really REALLY needs to retire.
John Madden grows progressively more incoherent every year and Al Michaels seems to always have about as much interest in his job as a man who's going on a two week vacation in ten minutes.
Dennis Green fires his offensive coordinator. Okay, I know that the Bears came back from a twenty-something point deficit and that they were ALL interceptions save a kick return, but is it the DC's fault the quarterback can't throw? I know they fucked up big time but you'd think they'd be a little more understanding since they're tied for worst team in the league and they were up against a defense that's smoother than God's shoeshine.
Ben Rottingburger's bones and tendons are made out of fine, delicate china and cashmere, respectively.
This week Peyton Manning got just about fucking folded in half by two or three guys on a sack. It was so horriffic I didn't even think it was funny. He was back in a few plays later. I'll give credit where credit is due. Archie's boy can take some brutal-ass punishment and just wave it off. I might respect the man more if he wasn't in EVERY THIRD COMMERCIAL during gametime.
Drew Bledsoe may be dropped to a second-string position. Hahahahahaha. AGAIN. AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. I don't know why I hate him so much, I just do.
The annual Patriots/Colts slobberknocker is on November 5th. I won't be able to throw things at the TV this year because I will BE AT GILETTE STADIUM WATCHING THE THING FOR REALS. I can't wait. I'm giddy with glee to know that this year when I call Manning a chicken-stepping hillbilly he will theoretically hear me say it. I don't think he'll be able to pick my voice out of the crowd, but I like to think the sound will enter his ears and make him fall over or something.
On a side note I'm 5-1 in fantasy football, which really means nothing. Since there's only four teams in the league, we're ALL going to the playoffs anda winning record means nothing if you lose in the playoffs.
Here's the link if you're interested.