General Broadcast Message from the Turtle to the World (May contain TMI)
This message involves stuff about non-normative relationships, non-normative sexuality, relationship issues, and in general, quite personal shit. If you do not wish to know, don’t click and move along.
For a very long time now, I’ve pretty much held the belief that anything to do with my sex life/relationships/whatnot was to be disclosed to people on a need-to-know basis, and in general, most people do not need to know. Recent stuff has happened, however, which is causing drama, misinformation, and other whisperings among friends and acquaintances and there is the potential that this may negatively impact people I care for. I’m not ok with that. So I’m now clarifying some stuff that I feel needs to be said.
For some people this will be really strange. For other people this is merely what you probably knew all along and we just never said anything about it because it didn’t need to be said.
Brian and I have been having relationship issues lately, to the point where I have been considering moving out. These have largely been exacerbated by my clinical depression and insufficient coping mechanisms for stress. What they have nothing to do with, however, is Brian’s other girlfriend who, unfortunately, has been being introduced to people in the middle of all this drama and who I’m worried may be being unfairly associated with it.
Brian and I have had an open relationship for eleven and a half years. Up until now, I’ve been able to count the number of our friends who know this on one hand. Why? Because it wasn’t anything anyone needed to know. The only time I’ve ever experienced genuine discrimination regarding my non-normative sexuality has been due to my polyamory. I have issues regarding my upbringing and concerns about people thinking poorly of me and this has lead me to be rather guarded regarding anything to do with sex or who I’m sleeping with.
But, Brian has another girlfriend now who he is dating, and who he cares for and who cares for him a great deal. She is comfortable with people knowing Brian is dating both of us and deserves the respect of being treated as a partner and not a secret or an affair.
To clarify: I am not dating her, but I do think she is quite awesome. She makes Brian happy and respects me.
We three decided a while ago that we would gradually introduce people to this concept slowly over time, because we aren’t sure how many of our friends are going to freak out over the fact that this is not a ‘normal’ situation. The idea was to gradually acclimatize people to the idea of her being around and hope that eventually, when they found out that she was more than just a really good friend, it wouldn’t be that weird. Both Brian and I are familiar with poly-phobic reactions ranging from disgust to outright hatred, even from normally tolerant people, and we were hoping to avoid that from our friends.
Here is where the mess comes in, and the reason for this whole ‘announcement’ from me. Brian and I have been having some relationship problems and there have been a couple of miscommunications between the two of us and to other people, I’m really worried this has lead some people to link Brian’s other girlfriend to our issues.
Our issues have nothing to do with her. Seriously. In fact, her presence in Brian’s life has provided him with a safe emotional space to recover from the stress of dealing with our blowouts, while at the same time not making me feel threatened, and thus is helping us work through this mess. (Did I mention she is awesome?) In all honesty, I don’t know that Brian and I could still be talking if it weren’t for her being as supportive as she has been.
The last thing I want is for anyone to think that Brian has cheated on me with her or that she has come between Brian and I.
For the record: I’m the one who wanted to see other people, and I’m the one who currently has long distance relationships with two other people who are not Brian, and those people both pre-date Brian’s other girlfriend by over a year. (And neither of them are the problem between Brian and I either - Brian and my issues are purely Brian’s and mine and largely related to stress, my depression, baggage from the past, wanting different things, etc.) The other relationships Brian and I have are supportive, not destructive.
I would be really bothered if anyone shunned, looked down on or otherwise felt negatively toward either of the other people I love out of ‘loyalty’ to Brian just as I would feel extremely upset if people felt I was a slut/whore/whatnot for loving more than one person. Anyone who thinks ill of Brian for having more than one girlfriend is thinking ill of me too. Anyone who thinks ill of Brian’s girlfriend for dating him because of some sort of misplaced loyalty to me is thinking ill of me, of the people I love, and of someone who loves someone I love.
I’m not expecting everyone to suddenly link hands and be all accepting of polyamory and this new, and quite possibly surprising, information and the world to be filled with unicorns and rainbows. I know people have hangups about this sort of thing and that it makes people really uncomfortable because it’s different and, for some people, really freaking weird. I get that. I don’t hate you for finding it weird.
What I am asking you to do is not to take it out on anyone who is completely blameless, i.e. Brian’s girlfriend, and to please direct anyone who is confused by anything they’ve heard to either ask Brian or I directly or, if that’s too awkward, just point them to this post so that they can read and understand what’s going on.
If you’re going to shun either Brian or myself for being non-normative, then do it for that, not for any sort of incorrect ideas about one of us cheating on the other or otherwise doing anything behind each other’s backs. We both know about, and are ok with, everyone else in each other’s lives. We also both love each other and are working through a rough time where our relationship is changing and we aren’t sure what will happen as a result of that. We will remains friends. That’s not in question. And we will remain friends with everyone who cares about us. No one is going to be asked to pick sides. Please don’t preemptively do so. It’s not going to be like that. A lot of stuff is going to need to change in order for us to continue cohabiting. If that does not happen, then I may move out. But there is still a lot of love, and still a lot of care and between us. Whatever is decided will be chosen because it is what is best for everyone involved.
For a very long time now, I’ve pretty much held the belief that anything to do with my sex life/relationships/whatnot was to be disclosed to people on a need-to-know basis, and in general, most people do not need to know. Recent stuff has happened, however, which is causing drama, misinformation, and other whisperings among friends and acquaintances and there is the potential that this may negatively impact people I care for. I’m not ok with that. So I’m now clarifying some stuff that I feel needs to be said.
For some people this will be really strange. For other people this is merely what you probably knew all along and we just never said anything about it because it didn’t need to be said.
Brian and I have been having relationship issues lately, to the point where I have been considering moving out. These have largely been exacerbated by my clinical depression and insufficient coping mechanisms for stress. What they have nothing to do with, however, is Brian’s other girlfriend who, unfortunately, has been being introduced to people in the middle of all this drama and who I’m worried may be being unfairly associated with it.
Brian and I have had an open relationship for eleven and a half years. Up until now, I’ve been able to count the number of our friends who know this on one hand. Why? Because it wasn’t anything anyone needed to know. The only time I’ve ever experienced genuine discrimination regarding my non-normative sexuality has been due to my polyamory. I have issues regarding my upbringing and concerns about people thinking poorly of me and this has lead me to be rather guarded regarding anything to do with sex or who I’m sleeping with.
But, Brian has another girlfriend now who he is dating, and who he cares for and who cares for him a great deal. She is comfortable with people knowing Brian is dating both of us and deserves the respect of being treated as a partner and not a secret or an affair.
To clarify: I am not dating her, but I do think she is quite awesome. She makes Brian happy and respects me.
We three decided a while ago that we would gradually introduce people to this concept slowly over time, because we aren’t sure how many of our friends are going to freak out over the fact that this is not a ‘normal’ situation. The idea was to gradually acclimatize people to the idea of her being around and hope that eventually, when they found out that she was more than just a really good friend, it wouldn’t be that weird. Both Brian and I are familiar with poly-phobic reactions ranging from disgust to outright hatred, even from normally tolerant people, and we were hoping to avoid that from our friends.
Here is where the mess comes in, and the reason for this whole ‘announcement’ from me. Brian and I have been having some relationship problems and there have been a couple of miscommunications between the two of us and to other people, I’m really worried this has lead some people to link Brian’s other girlfriend to our issues.
Our issues have nothing to do with her. Seriously. In fact, her presence in Brian’s life has provided him with a safe emotional space to recover from the stress of dealing with our blowouts, while at the same time not making me feel threatened, and thus is helping us work through this mess. (Did I mention she is awesome?) In all honesty, I don’t know that Brian and I could still be talking if it weren’t for her being as supportive as she has been.
The last thing I want is for anyone to think that Brian has cheated on me with her or that she has come between Brian and I.
For the record: I’m the one who wanted to see other people, and I’m the one who currently has long distance relationships with two other people who are not Brian, and those people both pre-date Brian’s other girlfriend by over a year. (And neither of them are the problem between Brian and I either - Brian and my issues are purely Brian’s and mine and largely related to stress, my depression, baggage from the past, wanting different things, etc.) The other relationships Brian and I have are supportive, not destructive.
I would be really bothered if anyone shunned, looked down on or otherwise felt negatively toward either of the other people I love out of ‘loyalty’ to Brian just as I would feel extremely upset if people felt I was a slut/whore/whatnot for loving more than one person. Anyone who thinks ill of Brian for having more than one girlfriend is thinking ill of me too. Anyone who thinks ill of Brian’s girlfriend for dating him because of some sort of misplaced loyalty to me is thinking ill of me, of the people I love, and of someone who loves someone I love.
I’m not expecting everyone to suddenly link hands and be all accepting of polyamory and this new, and quite possibly surprising, information and the world to be filled with unicorns and rainbows. I know people have hangups about this sort of thing and that it makes people really uncomfortable because it’s different and, for some people, really freaking weird. I get that. I don’t hate you for finding it weird.
What I am asking you to do is not to take it out on anyone who is completely blameless, i.e. Brian’s girlfriend, and to please direct anyone who is confused by anything they’ve heard to either ask Brian or I directly or, if that’s too awkward, just point them to this post so that they can read and understand what’s going on.
If you’re going to shun either Brian or myself for being non-normative, then do it for that, not for any sort of incorrect ideas about one of us cheating on the other or otherwise doing anything behind each other’s backs. We both know about, and are ok with, everyone else in each other’s lives. We also both love each other and are working through a rough time where our relationship is changing and we aren’t sure what will happen as a result of that. We will remains friends. That’s not in question. And we will remain friends with everyone who cares about us. No one is going to be asked to pick sides. Please don’t preemptively do so. It’s not going to be like that. A lot of stuff is going to need to change in order for us to continue cohabiting. If that does not happen, then I may move out. But there is still a lot of love, and still a lot of care and between us. Whatever is decided will be chosen because it is what is best for everyone involved.