Things I would do if I was a teacher...

[funwithpuns]

1. Not let the fat kids eat sweets on 'party' days
2. Make the fat kids do PE through dinner
3. Insist that my class was the Bash Street Kids
4. Add my own subjects to the curriculum, such as 'The Undead' and 'Family Trees of The Undead'
5. Use semaphore to dictate to class

Comments

[funwithpuns]

6. Teach kids I don't like an alternative alphabet, in which Q is pronounced 'kok' and the other letters are all written exactly the same but said differently
7. Convince the kids that 'Mental Arithmetic' was an insane greek mathmatician
8. Confiscate any packed lunches I liked the look of
9. Wear a mortarboard that shrouded 80% of the room in a deathly shadow
10. Set exams at random, testing things like 'Knowledge of Pro Set cards' and 'Name all 200 pogs'

[lardpony]

11. Insist that "it is lunchtime, and they must eat" at least fourteen times a day, as the children weep into their swollen packed lunches and the canteen staff work into the night
12. Only teach a new, concise version of History based around the troubled relationship between cats and dogs
13. Smile when it is inappropriate to do so
14. Teach my class how to spell using an altered Word Up machine that administers electric shocks if words are made badly (as a bonus it will also whiten the teeth)
15. Compose a dazzling musical theatre event starring the school pupils, but sack them one by one and replace them with Hollywood Heroes such as Gene "Wilder" Wilder.

[funwithpuns]

16. Decorate the room with foliage, then leave the room, lock the door and announce over the PA that "if you missed Ray Mears last night, you're in trouble!!"
17. Construct a team of robots to run the class, while I sit in the cloakroom forcing as many biscuits as possible into my fat, fat head
18. Break something expensive then tell the headteacher that the child I most want expelled is to blame
19. Play musical chairs on an activity day, using math rock to utterly confuse the children
20. Melt crayons on the radiator when I'm supposed to be starting a lesson, instructing the children to "sit quietly," reminding them at 20 minute intervals that I'll be with them in a minute

[funwithpuns]

Damn the numbering system and its livejournal awkwardness!

Also: thanks for the unexpected contribution!! :)

[lardpony]

26. Bark like a dog every now and again, not often enough to raise suspicion. If questioned by a pupil or fellow staff member, say "I saw it on teacher-television, weren't you watching?" and then open my eyes really far and stare until the person backs down
27. Give the children sleeping pills, then stack their unconscious bodies into a glorious pile
28. Instruct the children to open their books and write down everything I say, then sit silent for the entire lesson, apart from occasionally tapping out complex rhythms on my desk. If any of the children attempt to notate the rhythms on specially purchased musical score paper, have them executed
29. Remove a chair every day until only one pupil has one. Watch with glee as the others start to mistrust him or her
30. Walk sideways like a crab, aided by a cane