MY NAME IS ISABELLA FREAKING GORGEOUS SWAN, BUT IF YOU CALL ME THAT I WILL SCOWL AT YOU WITH MY BEAUTIFUL SCOWL, BECAUSE IF I HEAR THAT AWFUL NAME, MY SPLEEN WILL RUPTURE. CALL ME BELLA.
MY NAME IS BELLA SWAN AND I AM MOVING TO A NEW TOWN. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT IT’S CALLED BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN IT, BUT IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH CUTLERY. I BELIEVE IT IS CALLED FORKS. I DON’T CARE, I WILL HATE IT ANYWAY. I HATE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, BECAUSE MY LIFE IS HOLLOW AND INCOMPLETE.
I AM MOVING FOR A REASON YOU WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT SO MIND YOUR OWN GOSH DARN BUSINESS. HOLY CROW.
MY NEW PLACE OF LIVING WILL BE WITH THE MAN WHO GIVE ME LIFE BUT I DON’T CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT HIM. HIS NAME IS CHARLIE.
I MARCHED ONTO MY NEW DOORSTEP WITH A MARCHING MARCH, AND WITH MY EYES I VIEWED THE AREA WITHIN MY EYESIGHT WITH MY EYES.
I GROANED WITH CHAGRIN. EVERYTHING WAS THE COLOR YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX YELLOW AND BLUE TOGETHER. WE DO NOT HAVE THIS COLOR WHERE I AM FROM AND IT IS A CRIME TO EVEN SPEAK THE NAME OF THIS YELLOW-BLUE MULATTO BABY.
I CURLED INTO A BALL OF SORROW AND MADE A CHAGRIN FACE. THERE I STAYED FOR MANY A 60 SECOND PERIOD OF TIME.
FINALLY, AFTER FOUR OF THESE 60 SECOND PERIODS OF TIME, MY FATHER REMOVED HIS FACE FILLED WITH FACIAL FEATURES FROM THE WINDOW AND OPENED THE RECTANGULAR PLANK MADE OF TREE THAT SEPARATED THE HOUSE FROM THE HIDEOUS YELLOW/BLUE.
“BELLS?” HE VOCALIZED BY VIBRATING HIS INTERNAL VOCAL CHORDS.
“CALL ME BELLA!” I BELLOWED RATIONALLY.
THEN HE SPOKE MORE WORDS I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT AND LED ME TO A MECHANICAL BEAST PAINTED THE COLOR OF FRESH BLOOD. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE BLOOD PART BECAUSE IT IS FORESHADOWING.
“WHAT,” I SAID.
HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ME OWNING THIS BEAST AND RIDING IT TO SCHOOL. THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN MY OLD TOWN.
“THANK YOU,” I SAID WITH MY FAKE VOICE FULL OF FALSITIES.
LATER THAT NIGHT, I HIT CHARLIE WITH A COOKBOOK IN THE HEAD REGION, COOKED TEN LASAGNAS, AND GLOOMILY GLOOMED UP THE STAIRS AND SLUMBERED IN MY ROOM OF SLUMBER TIME.
I DREAMED SOME FORESHADOWING DREAMS.
I AWOKE TO THE SOUND OF TEARS FROM THE SKY SO I GRUMPED MY FACE UP TO GRUMPY LEVEL 11. MY BEAUTY THAT DAY WAS ASTONISHING.
I REALIZED I HAD TO ATTEND THE PLACE OF LEARNING AND AS I DROVE THERE IN MY BEAST I THOUGHT A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW I WOULD ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING, BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I BEAUTIFUL, I AM ALSO A GENIUS. ALSO, I AM BEAUTIFUL.
I WALKED INTO SCHOOL A SOGGY PILE OF SOGGY CHAGRIN. I WENT INTO A RAGE AND MURMURED OF MY HATE FOR THE YELLOW/BLUE LANDSCAPING.
SUDDENLY WITH SUDDENNESS A FINGER CONNECTED TO A HAND CONNECTED TO AN ARM ETC TOUCHED ME TENDERLY.
“HELLO,” THE VOICE SAID. “I AM MIKE NEWTON AND YOU MUST BE ISABELLA SWAN.”
“BELLA!!!!!!” I GROWLED PRETTILY.
JUST THEN ANOTHER MALE BOY APPROACHED.
“HAY BABYDOLL. I AM ERIC YORKIE AND WILL YOUR FINE SELF ACCOMPANY ME ON A DATE?”
“NO,” I ANSWERED POLITELY. AND WE WERE ALL BEST FRIENDS FOREVER EXCEPT FOR WHEN THEY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE. MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX, GUYS!
WE WENT TO CLASSES SUCH AS DEAD LANGUAGES AND INORGANIC CHEMISTRY WHICH I KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT. I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK WITH MY BRAIN THAT MAYBE FORKS WOULD NOT BE SO CHAGRINING.
BUT THEN - IT WAS TIME FOR LUNCH.
MIKE TRIED TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE LAYOUT OF THE CAFETERIA.
“OKAY,” HE SAID “YOU’VE GOT YOUR PREPS, JOCKS, UNFRIENDLY BLACK HOTTIES, ASIAN NERDS, COOL ASIANS, SEXUALLY ACTIVE BAND GEEKS, AND THE GREATEST PEOPLE YOU WILL EVER MEET, WHICH IS US.”
I SLUMPED OVER TO THE TABLE AND PASSED OUT NAME TAGS AND MARKERS TO EVERYONE SEATED THERE, BECAUSE REALLY I CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH THESE PEOPLE.
I GRUMPED AS I SAT BECAUSE I DO NOT EAT FOOD BECAUSE NO ONE SHOULD.
IT WAS THERE THAT I FIRST SAW THEM.
I GASPED A GASP AND FILLED MYSELF WITH OXYGEN. THEY WERE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ME. THERE WAS A MUSCULAR BOY WHO LOOKED AT ME AND YELLED “DAAAY-UM, THAT GIRL IS SO PLAIN, I WOULD HIT THAT HARDER THAN THE FIST OF AN ANGRY GOD.” A BLONDE GIRL WITH ALL THE LOVELY OF A FLOWER THAT GROWS ATOP A SNOWY MOUNTAIN HIT HIM ON THE HEAD WITH HER HAND. AN ETHEREAL (50 CENT VOCAB!) GIRL WITH HAIR THAT LOOKED LIKE DFKGJVDNFK LAUGHED AT THEM AS ANOTHER BLONDE BOY READ A BOOK ABOUT THE CONFEDERACY.
BUT THEY WERE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ANGEL GRUMPING AWAY ON THE ELECTRIC PIANO IN THE CORNER.
I MADE A NOISE LIKE SDKGJF!!!!!!!! AND SO A GIRL WHOSE NAMETAG SAID “JESSICA” LOOKED AT ME LIKE “WTF ARE YOU DOING.”
“WHO IS THAT?” I SPUTTERED, WAVING MY ARMS AROUND. I KNEW SHE WOULD KNOW THROUGH TELEKINESIS WHO I MEANT.
“THAT IS EDWARD ANTHONY MASON CULLEN.” SHE SAID PASSIONATELY.
“OH.” I SAID.
I LOVED HIM. HE WAS MY WHOLE LIFE NOW. I WILLINGLY WILLED FOR HIM TO LOOK AT ME SO WE COULD START OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
HE LOOKED UPON ME WITH EYES THE COLOR OF TOPAZ GLITTER GLUE. HIS EYEBALLS WERE SMOLDERING ORBS OF LOVE. I FAINTED TO THE FLOOR ATTRACTIVELY.
I AWOKE IN BIOLOGY. EVERYONE CHEERED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL IN LOVE WITH MY ALREADY.
EDWARD CULLEN, HOWEVER, WAS NOT LOOKING AT ME, SO I DECIDED TO SIT BY HIM. I CLUMSILY USED MY FEET TO WALK CLUMSILY OVER TO HIM AND FLIPPED MY HAIR AROUND.
EDDIE’S EYES, SEAS OF TOPAZ JEWELS, WIDENED IN A FACIAL EXPRESSION I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, BUT IT WAS A MIXTURE OF “I HATE YOU, I AM SO FREAKING HUNGRY, AND LETS HAVE BABIES TOGETHER.”
I WAS LIKE, “RIGHT ON,” SO I FLIRTED WITH HIM BY FLIRTATIOUSLY BURYING MY FACE WITH MY HAIR AND SLOUCHING MY SHOULDERS LIKE A GRUMPY OLD LADY.
ALL OF THE BOYS EXCEPT EDWARD AND THE LOCAL HOMOSEXUAL FELL OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS WITH DESIRE.
I STARED AT EDWARD WITH MY EYES FOR THE NEXT 38 MINUTES. HERE IS A LIST OF EVERYTHING HE DID.
1. GLARED
2. GRITTED HIS TEETH
3. TRIED TO PULL ALL OF HIS HAIR OUT
4. CLAWED AT THE DESK
5. STOPPED BREATHING
6. PRETENDED TO PLAY PIANO ON THE DESK.
“SO DO YOU THINK HE LIKES ME?” I SAID AS I WAS CONSULTING MY BFF MIKE ON THIS VERY INTENSE ISSUE, AND HE SAID THE MOST HORRIBLE WORDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
“WOW BELLA,” HE SAID. “IT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE HE HATES YOU.”
IT TOOK EXACTLY 402 SECONDS FOR THIS TO REGISTER. HOW COULD ANYONE HATE ME FOR NO REASON? NO, SERIOUSLY, I AM PERFECT, WHAT THE HELL? I FELT HOT TEARS OF CHAGRIN WELL UP IN MY DEEP BROWN EYES. THE TRUEST LOVE I HAD EVER KNOWN HAD SCORNED ME.
I WENT HOME AND MADE SIX LASAGNAS BUT I STILL FELT CHAGRIN, SO I PUT ON MY LINKIN PARK CD AND WAITED TO DIE.
I AWOKE THE NEXT MORNING WITH THE SUN STREAMING IN THROUGH MY WINDOW. I ROLLED OUT OF MY BED AND REALIZED I WAS STILL ALIVE AND MY DEAREST LOVE HATED ME. I PUT ON MY GRUMPY LEVEL 13 FACE AND TOLD THE SUN TO GO AWAY. THAT BITCH DOESN’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I CRIED CHAGRIN TEARS ALL THROUGH THE DAY BUT EDWARD WASN’T EVEN THERE. OH MY GOSH, I BET IF EDWARD CRIED HIS TEARS WOULD BE GOLDEN IN COLOR. I WANT TO DRINK THEM.
I HAD BEEN THINKING ABOUT TOPAZ TEARS FOR 2140 SECONDS BUT THEN ERIC RUINED IT BUT POKING ME ON THE SHOULDER WITH HIS FIST.
“WORD UP, BELLA,” HE SAID AFRICAN AMERICAN STREET CULTURE STYLE. “NEXT WEEKEND WE’RE ALL GOING TO THE BEACH. LA PUSH IT! LA PUSH IT REAL GOOD. YOU COMIN’ BABY B?”
WHY DO ALL OF THESE PEOPLE KEEP INVITING ME WEIRD PLACES?
“OKAY,” I SAID ROBOTICALLY.
EVERYONE CHEERED, BECAUSE MY PRESENCE MAKES A WINTER’S DAY FEEL LIKE THE SUMMER.
MORE DAYS PASSED WITHOUT EDWARD, EDDIE, MY LOVE, COMING TO SCHOOL. I DID ALL OF HIS MAKE UP WORK FOR HIM, MADE LASAGNA AND CRIED TO LINKIN PARK, MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE AND SIMPLE PLAN.
“HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?” I CRIED WITH CHAGRIN. “I’VE MADE MY MISTAKES! I’VE GOT NOWHERE TO RUN, THE NIGHT GOES ON AS I’M FADING AWAY! I’M SICK OF THIS LIFE! I JUST WANNA SCREAM. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?”
I SLUMPED INTO BIOLOGY CLASS A WEEK LATER, AND GUESS WHO WAS THERE? EDWARD! I WANTED TO LICK HIS FACE BUT I PLAYED IT COOL AND JUST SAT THERE, BEAUTIFULLY.
“HELLO,” SAID THE MOST PERFECT VOICE OF MUSIC IN THE WHOLE WORLD. “MY NAME IS EDWARD CULLEN.”
I CONTAINED MYSELF ONCE AGAIN.
“HELLO I AM ISABELLA SWAN.”
“REALLY?” HE SAID. “I THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS BELLA?”
“WHAT,” I RETORTED INTELLIGENTLY.
HE LOOKED CONFUSED AND HE SMILED A CROOKED SMILE THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL I DID NOT NOTICE THE CAR THAT HAD JUST CRASHED THROUGH THE WALL OF THE CLASSROOM.
“WHAT WHAT WHAT,” WERE THE THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MY MIND. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WARN US BEFORE THEY DRIVE CARS THROUGH THE SCHOOL! I FIGURED I WOULD BE DEAD, BUT NO! I AM NOT DEAD!
I AWOKE IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE ACTION SCENES ARE BORING AND YOU WOULD JUST SKIP THEM ANYWAY.
FREAKING CHARLIE WAS STANDING THERE, WHY CAN’T HE LEAVE ME ALONE? I AM FINE.
“WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I AM FINE,” I SAID POLITELY.
THEN CHARLIE SAID SOME WORDS.
“WHERE IS EDWARD?” I DEMANDED PATIENTLY.
I HEARD A CHUCKLE, AND LOOKED UP AND SAW EDWARD’S MESMERIZING SMILE.
“WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED,” I VOCALIZED. “ALSO CHARLIE YOU CAN GO AWAY. I WANT TO TALK TO EDWARD ALONE.”
EDWARD FLINCHED AND LOOKED AT ME COLDLY. I FELT DEEP CHAGRIN. WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO MUCH?
“WHY AREN’T I DEAD?” I IMPLORED.
“HUSH BELLA,” EDWARD SAID. “I PULLED YOU OUT OF THE WAY AND THAT IS ALL. NOW BE NICE TO YOUR FATHER AND ALWAYS WEAR A SEATBELT. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE. NOW JUST THANK ME AND LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS.”
I FELT THE DEPRESSION CLOUDS CREEPING OVER ME LIKE FLYING MONKEYS.
“WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER?” I WHINED.
“…OH BELLA,” HE SAID AFTER 123 SECONDS OF SILENCE. “WILL YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND?” HE SIGHED. “DO YOU LIKE PHIL COLLINS?” THEN, WITHOUT WAITING FOR AN ANSWER, HE GRUMPED OUT OF THE ROOM.
THE HOSPITAL MUST HAVE GIVEN ME SOME FORESHADOWING DRUGS, BECAUSE I DREAMED SOME VERY STRANGE DREAMS THAT NIGHT.
AT SCHOOL, EVERYONE WAS ALL “EDWARD CULLEN THIS, EDWARD CULLEN THAT.” IF THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE MY FRIENDS THEY SHOULD CARE MORE ABOUT ME AND LESS ABOUT THE BOY WHO LIVES TO HATE ME.
THE BOY IN QUESTION WOULD NOT STOP IGNORING ME. I BLASTED SYSTEM OF A DOWN ON MY IPOD AT ALL TIMES, AND I WEPT TEARS ALL OVER EVERYTHING.
ABOUT 24 BOYS ASKED ME TO THE DANCE BUT I VERY KINDLY TOLD THEM TO GET THE FUCKING FUCK AWAY FROM ME, AND I TOLD THEM I WAS GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE FOR A THERAPY SESSION THAT NIGHT.
“GOOD CAUSE YOU NEED IT,” SAID A LOW, SEXY VOICE FROM BEHIND ME.
I WHIRLED AROUND. IT WAS EDWARD.
“OH, ARE YOU TALKING TO ME AGAIN?” I SAID WITH JOY.
“DO… YOU NEED… A RIDE… TO SEATTLE… YOU KNOW?”
HOLY CROW HOLY CROW HOLY CROW I THOUGHT INTERNALLY.
I NODDED. HE NODDED.
“I WANT TO BE FRIENDS, BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY STAY AWAY FROM ME. FOR NOW, THOUGH, I NEED TO RETURN SOME VIDEO TAPES…”
I CONVULSED INTO THE HAPPIEST OF SEIZURES.
“BELLA, SIT WITH ME AT LUNCH TODAY,” HE COMMANDED.
I SKIPPED ALL OF MY OTHER CLASSES AND WENT STRAIGHT TO LUNCH, BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THE SCHOOL SCHEDULE CHANGE AT MY WILL.
EDWARD BECKONED TO ME CROOKEDLY. FOR SOMEONE SO BEAUTIFUL, HE SURE DID A LOT OF THINGS CROOKEDLY.
“SO BELLA,” HE BEGAN WHEN I HAD SIT DOWN, “EVEN THOUGH I AM MUCH TO DANGEROUS TO BE AROUND, WHY DON’T WE BANTER BACK AND FOURTH, AND ALSO HINT AT MY SUPERHUMAN SPECIES?”
I SIMPLY STARED AT HIM. HE WAS SO.. WHAT. THE ONLY WORD I COULD DESCRIBE HIM WITH WAS DAZZLING.
“OKAY,” I BREATHED. “I’M GOING TO TEASE YOU NOW AND EAT THIS APPLE AND ACT SEXY.”
“BELLA,” EDWARD INTERRUPTED. “I DON’T BELIEVE IN TEASING BEFORE MARRIAGE. NOW THERE’S SOMETHING I’VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU.”
“ANYTHING,” I SPUTTERED ATTRACTIVELY, SPITTING APPLE ALL OVER THE TABLE.
EDWARD TOOK A DEEP BREATH.
“DO YOU LIKE HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS? THEIR EARLY WORK WAS A LITTLE TOO NEW WAVE FOR MY TASTES, BUT WHEN SPORTS CAME OUT IN '83, I THINK THEY REALLY CAME INTO THEIR OWN, COMMERCIAL AND ARTISTICALLY. THE WHOLE ALBUM HAS A CLEAR, CRISP SOUND, AND A NEW SHEEN OF CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONALISM THAT REALLY GIVES THE SONGS A BIG BOOST. HE'S BEEN COMPARED TO ELVIS COSTELLO, BUT I THINK HUEY HAS A FAR MUCH MORE BITTER, CYNICAL SENSE OF HUMOR. IN '87, HUEY RELEASED FORE, THEIR MOST ACCOMPLISHED ALBUM. I THINK THEIR UNDISPUTED MASTERPIECE IS "HIP TO BE SQUARE", A SONG SO CATCHY, MOST PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T LISTEN TO THE LYRICS. BUT THEY SHOULD, BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE PLEASURES OF CONFORMITY, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF TRENDS, IT'S ALSO A PERSONAL STATEMENT ABOUT THE BAND ITSELF.”
HE LOOKED AT ME EXPECTANTLY.
“THOUGHTS?”
AFTER A MOMENT, I SAID, “SO DID YOU GET BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER OR SOMETHING?”
“OH BELLA,” HE SIGHED, THEN CHUCKED. “YOUR COMPARISON TO MR. PARKER IS QUITE FLATTERING, BUT WHAT IF I’M NOT THE SUPERHERO?”
HE SIGHED AGAIN AND LOOKED OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
“WHAT IF I’M THE BAD GUY?”
“BUT YOU ARE HOT,” I SAID. “HOW CAN YOU BE BAD?”
HE LOOKED CHAGRINNED. THE LUNCH ENDED, THEN, AND EDWARD WAS LIKE “PEACE, I’M SKIPPING BIOLOGY” BUT I WENT ANYWAY BECAUSE THE CLASS WOULD PROBABLY COMMIT MASS SUICIDE IF I DIDN’T SHOW UP.
I SKIPPED INTO CLASS MUCH LESS GRUMPY THAN USUAL, BUT OF COURSE MY GOOD MOOD WAS QUICKLY REPLACED WITH CHAGRIN.
MR. WHATEVER WAS MAKING US ALL PRICK OUR FINGERS FOR A BLOOD TYPE PROJECT. I FAINTED BECAUSE I CAN’T HANDLE THAT SHIT.
MY BFF MIKE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE ME TO THE NURSE, AND HE BRAVELY FOUGHT OFF THE OTHER 24 PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO ESCORT ME.
I LEANED ALL OVER MIKE AND HE TENDERLY LAID ME ON A BENCH AND BRUSHED MY MAHOGANY HAIR.
SUDDENLY, I HEARD A VOICE. HIS VOICE.
“BELLA!” EDWARD CULLEN AGONIZED. “WHAT HAS HE DONE TO YOU, MY ANGEL?”
HE PUSHED MIKE UP AGAINST THE LOCKERS.
“I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL YOU, AND THEN PLAY AROUND IN YOUR BLOOD,” HE SAID REASONABLY.
MIKE MUST HAVE RUN AWAY OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE EDWARD HAD SUDDENLY LIFTED ME INTO HIS ARMS.
“YOU CAN STAND UNDER MY UM-BER-ELLA, BELLA, ELLA EY EY EY UNDER MY UM-BER-ELLA, BELLA, ELLA EY EY EY EY EY,” HE SANG TO ME SOOTHINGLY. HE HAD THE MOST GLORIOUS OF VOICES. IT MADE ME CRY.
THE NURSE WAS VERY CHAGRINNED WITH WORRY WHEN I ARRIVED. I DIDN’T BLAME HER. IF I WEREN’T ME AND I SAW MYSELF GET HURT, I WOULD SOB FOR HOURS.
“HOLY CROW,” SHE FLABBERGASTED. “YOU FAINT AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD?”
EDWARD BEGAN TO LAUGH CRAZILY, BUT EVEN INSANE, HIS LAUGH WAS STILL A GENTLE MUSIC THAT LOVINGLY BRUSHED AGAINST MY HEART.
“AH HA HA HA HA. HA. HA. BLOOD. HA HA. OH MY CARLISLE THAT IS SO IRONIC! HA HA HA. HA! BLOOD! SO IRONIC!”
I LOOKED AT HIM LIKE “WHUT.”
‘HUSH, BELLA ELLA ELLA,” HE SANG. “YOU WILL UNDERSTAND IN TIME.”
WE BANTERED SOME MORE, BUT THEN THE NURSE SAID I COULD GO HOME AND GET THIS: EDWARD SAID HE WOULD DRIVE ME HOME!
“YOUR CAR IS LIKE A HELL DEVIL,” HE EXPLAINED. “IT BURNS MY SOUL.”
I GOT INTO HIS BEAUTIFUL, SILVER, SHINY, DAZZLING VOLVO.
“SEATBELT!” EDWARD YELLED, AND STRAPPED ME IN.
I DECIDED NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO ASK HIM OUT.
“SO UM,” I ARTICULATED. “DO YOU WANT TO COME TO LA PUSH WITH ME…?”
HIS FACE CHAGRINNED.
“I CAN’T, ACTUALLY. THEY FILED A… RESTRAINING ORDER. IT’S VERY COMMON - YOU CAN GOOGLE IT,” HE EXPLAINED.
“OH,” I SAID AS I MENTALLY SLIT MY WRISTS.
CHAGRINWARD SIGHED AND PUT IN A CD.
“OH. EM. GEE,” I SAID WHEN I RECOGNIZED THE SONG. “CLAIR DE LUNE???”
“YOU KNOW DEBUSSY?” EDWARD ASKED EXCITEDLY.
“THIS IS THE BEST SONG EVER!” I CRIED GLORIOUSLY.
AFTER WE JAMMED, EDWARD ASKED ME ABOUT MY MOM, MENTAL HEALTH AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. IT WAS SO ROMANTIC.
WE SAT IN MY DRIVEWAY AND TALKED FOR 2267 SECONDS.
“NOW BELLA,” HE SAID AS I WAS GETTING OUT OF THE CAR. “WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH TOMORROW REMEMBER ALL OF THE SAFETY TIPS I TAUGHT YOU.”
“OH, DON’T WORRY! I WILL!” I SANG AS I SKIPPED INTO MY HOUSE.
I ARRIVED AT MY BFF MIKE’S HOUSE SATURDAY MORNING AT 4 AM BECAUSE REALLY I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO. AFTER 21,600 SECONDS, SOME OTHER PEOPLE SHOWED UP.
I RECOGNIZED JESSICA, ANGELA AND LAUREN CONRAD.
“OH HEY LC,” I SAID.
LAUREN IS BASICALLY FLAWLESS. SHE HAS THREE FENDI PURSES AND A SILVER LEXUS. HER FAVORITE MOVIE IS VARSITY BLUES AND THIS ONE TIME SHE MET JOHN STAMOS ON A PLANE AND HE TOLD HER SHE WAS PRETTY.
JESSICA IS TOTALLY RICH BECAUSE HER DAD INVENTED TOASTER STRUDEL. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE. THAT’S WHY HER HAIR IS SO BIG, IT’S FULL OF SECRETS.
I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ANGELA BUT SHE SITS BY ME IN ENGLISH AND SHE ASKED ME HOW TO SPELL ORANGE.
NONE OF THESE GIRLS ARE AS POPULAR AS ME - BUT STILL.
“WHY DON’T I KNOW YOU?” LC ASKED ME. “YOU’RE LIKE REALLY PRETTY.”
“THANKS,” I SAID.
“SO YOU AGREE, YOU THINK YOU’RE REALLY PRETTY.”
“WELL OBVIOUSLY I MEAN LOOK AT ME,” I SAID MODESTLY.
ALL OF THE BOYS SWOONED.
LUCKILY THEY WEREN’T TOO LOVE-STRUCK TO DRIVE AND SOON WE WERE AT THE BEACH.
I TRIPPED OVER TONS OF OBJECTS VERY ENDEARINGLY UNTIL A NATIVE BOY CAME OVER TO HELP ME.
“YOU’RE ISABELLA SWAN, AREN’T YOU?” HE SAID.
“BELLA,” I CORRECTED.
HE LOOKED AT ME AWKWARDLY.
“I’M JACOB BLACK,” HE SAID. “YOU BOUGHT THAT UGLY ASS CAR OFF MY DAD.”
I HAD A SUDDEN IMPULSE TO TALK ABOUT EDWARD TO THIS BOY FOR NO CLEARLY DEFINED REASON.
“WILL YOU TAKE A WALK ON THE BEACH WITH ME?” I SEDUCED.
I SEXILY GRABBED HIM BUT THE NECK AND SAT HIM DOWN ON A ROCK.
“OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO HOT,” I FLIRTED. “YOU ARE LIKE A SEXY SHARK MY LITTLE SHARK BOY.”
“UM OKAY,” JACOB SAID. “FOR UNKNOWN REASONS, I HAVE A MASSIVE CRUSH ON YOU, DESPITE YOUR PERSONALITY OR SHALL I SAY LACK THEREOF. ANYWAY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR SOME QUILEUTE LEGENDS?”
THAT SHIT SOUNDED FUCKING DULL BUT I LET HIM CONTINUE AND HE TOLD ME SOME FORESHADOWING STORIES ABOUT WOLVES.
AFTER HE WAS DONE FORESHADOWING, HE LIFTED ONE EYEBROW.
“DO YOU LIKE SCARY STORIES?” HE SAID HUSKILY.
COME TO THINK OF IT, THIS BOY SHARK WAS QUITE A LOOKER. PAPA DON’T MIND ME IF I DO.
“NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE YOUR FACE,” I SAID.
THE SHARK HAD TOLD ME ALL ABOUT “THE COLD ONES,” WHO SUCK BLOOD AND STUFF.
CLEARLY, BECAUSE OF ALL THE HINTS THIS BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED NOVEL HAS GIVEN PREVIOUSLY, IT WAS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT EDWARD WAS A COLD ONE.
“KAY THANKS SHARK,” I SAID TO JACOB AS I FLOUNCED AWAY.
“ACTUALLY IT’S JACOB,” HE SAID.
WHATEVER. I REJOINED MY POSSE AT THE BEACH.
“BELLA IS YOUR MUFFIN BUTTERED,” SOME KID NAMED TYLER ASKED.
“WHAT?” I SAID.
“WOULD YOU LIKE US TO ASSIGN SOMEONE TO BUTTER YOUR MUFFIN?”
“TYLER,” LAUREN INTERRUPTED. “YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE SKEEZ,” SHE TURNED TO ME.
“DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM?”
“NO THANK YOU,” I SAID POLITELY.
IT WAS AN INTERESTING DAY AT THE BEACH.
LATER THAT NIGHT, I GOOGLED “COLD ONE” AND AFTER LISTENING TO A BUNCH OF COOL, HIP RAP SONGS, I FOUND SOME SITES ABOUT VAMPIRES.
“WELL EDWARD IS MUCH TOO PRETTY TO BE A MONSTER,” I MUSED.
AT SCHOOL, I CONTINUED TO HAVE LUNCH WITH EDWARD.
“SO,” HE SAID. “DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND? I NEED TO KNOW SO I CAN WRITE IT DOWN IN MY BELLA CALENDAR AND MAKE SURE IT ISN’T TOO DANGEROUS.”
“WELL I AM GOING TO HELP ANGELA AND JESSICA BUY DRESSES,” I EXPLAINED. “THEY WILL PROBABLY LOOK FAT THOUGH.”
HE CHUCKLED DARKLY.
“IF ONLY YOUR KEEN MIND COULD SEE ME FOR WHAT I TRULY AM. YOU ARE IN SUCH DANGER, ISABELLA.”
“LOL WHATEVER,” I DISMISSED.
THAT WEEKEND IN PORT ANGELES, ANGELA WAS TRYING TO ZIP JESS’S DRESS UP TO NO AVAIL. I WAS SO BORED. MY REFINED BRAIN CARES NOT FOR DRESSES, BUT I WOULD LOOK WAY BETTER THAN JESSICA IN THE ONE SHE WAS TRYING TO SHOVE HER MUFFIN TOP INTO.
“IT WON’T ZIP!” ANGELA CRIED.
“IT’S A FIVE,” JESSICA SNAPPED.
“EXCUSE ME,” ANGELA ASKED THE SALESLADY. “CAN WE HAVE THIS IN THE NEXT SIZE UP?”
“I’M SORRY,” SHE SAID KINDLY. “WE ONLY CARRY SIZES ONE, THREE AND FIVE. YOU COULD TRY SEARS.”
“LOL,” I SAID.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE I HAD BECOME A BITCH, BUT THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE I WAS ACTING LIKE A BITCH.
“OKAY, WELL,” I HUFFED. “I HAVE TO GO BUY SOME BOOKS OKAY, BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU, I ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO READ. GOODDAY.”
“OKAY BYE BELLA!” ANGELA CALLED AFTER ME. “WE’LL SAVE YOU A SEAT AT THE RESTAURANT!”
UGH. IF THESE PEOPLE WERE REALLY MY FRIENDS, THEY WOULD KNOW I DIDN’T EAT FOOD.
“I SAID GOODDAY,” I SNARLED POLITELY.
I LEFT THE SHOP AND WANDERED THE SIDEWALKS AIMLESSLY. I WENT INTO THE BOOKSHOP BUT QUICKLY BECAME BORED AND LEFT BECAUSE THE SALESPERSON DID NOT INSTANTLY FAWN OVER ME. I BEGAN TO THINK OF OTHER THINGS, LIKE MY EDWARD’S SMILE, AND HIS MARBLE SKIN. I THOUGHT OF HIS TOPAZ EYES, HIS DAZZLING FEATURES AND HIS RUMPLED HAIR. HE CONSUMED ME COMPLETELY, I WAS NEARLY BLINDED BY MY THOUGHTS, WHEN I WAS JARRED BACK INTO THE HARSH REALITY OF MY COLD LIFE WITHOUT HIM BY A GROUP OF YOUNG MEN.
“HAY GIRL HAY!” THE LEADER CALLED.
“GOD,” I HEARD ONE OF THEM MUTTER “THAT GIRL IS SO UGLY… BUT I FEEL THIS INTENSE DESIRE FOR HER.”
WHO WAS I TO JUDGE THEM?
“HELLO..” I STAMMERED SEXILY, BUT I CONTINUED ON MY MARCH TO EDWARDIAN SALVATION.
“O HELL NO GIRLFRIEND YOU AIN’T GOIN’ NOWHERE,” ONE OF THE MEN SAID. “WE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT TONIIIGHT.”
“WHUT,” I SAID. “PLEASE. THINK OF MY VIRTUE.”
“SHE SAY SHE USUALLY DON’T BUT I KNOW THAT SHE FRONT
CAUSE SHAWTY KNOW WHAT SHE WANT BUT SHE DON’ WANNA SEEM
LIKE SHE'S EASY. I AIN’T SAYIN’ WHAT YA WONT DO BUT YOU KNOW WE PROBABLY GON’ DO,” THE MEN SANG IN UNISON.
I FELT THE SITUATION GROWING WILDLY OUT OF HAND. THERE WERE MEN STARING AT ME SINGING R&B HITS! THIS WAS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! I TRIED TO REMEMBER ALL OF THE SELF-DEFENSE MOVES EDOUARD HAD TAUGHT ME EARLIER IN THE WEEK.
SUDDENLY - HEADLIGHTS CAME AROUND THE CORNER. THE CAR WAS A VOLVO. I KNEW THIS CAR. IT WAS HIS CAR. HIM. MY ONLY. MY REASON. MY LIGHT. MY ANTI-DRUG.
I HEARD HIS VOICE, THE MELODIOUS MUSIC OF MY HEART. HE SLAMMED DOWN ON THE BRAKES OF HIS CAR, AND IT DID AN 80S ACTION MOVIE TYPE SPIN SWERVE THING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
“I’M A FRIEND OF YOUR MOTHER’S, GET IN THE CAR!!!” HE GROWLED AS IF HE WERE A FERAL PIG.
I FOUND MYSELF INSIDE OF THE CAR, BECAUSE ACTION SCENES ARE STILL BORING, HONESTLY.
EDWARD GRABBED THE SEATBELT AND WRAPPED IT AROUND ME THREE TIMES. I FELT SO SAFE.
“BBGUUUHG?” I IMPLORED.
BUT EDWARD WAS BUSY SHOUTING OUT THE CAR WINDOW.
“DISHONOR! DISRESPECT! DISHONOR ON YOU ALL! I WASH MY HANDS OF THIS BUSINESS! YOU ARE DEGRADING TOWARDS WOMEN! WHAT IS THIS MUSIC!? YOU FELLOWS SHOULD INDULGE IN THE LIKES OF SNOW PATROL, OR IF YOU ARE FEELING DOWN, PERHAPS NICKELBACK WOULD CALM YOU. YOU SMELL LIKE BEEF AND CHEESE.”
HE WAS GROWLING AND PINCHING HIS NOSE SHUT BEAUTIFULLY. THEN, WITH THE GRACE OF AN OILED GAZELLE, HE STARTED THE CAR AND BEGAN TO RUN OVER THE MEN SYSTEMATICALLY. IT WAS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I’D EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
AFTER NOTHING WAS LEFT OF THE DESPICABLE CREATURES, EDWARD DROVE AWAY.
EDWARD BEGAN TO WHISPER TO ME SWEETLY.
“SOMETIMES I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY TEMPER, BELLA. I LIKE TO DISSECT GIRLS. DID YOU KNOW I’M UTTERLY INSANE?”
With certain phrases lovingly ripped off from Twat, American Psycho and Mean Girls.