I uh...exist? >.>
Leave it to me to not post in this thing for almost a year, and have almost nothing positive to post about.
It's been...a horrendous week, with some small exceptions. I don't know how many people have known me long enough to really have learned this about me, but along with the whole "wolf" thing with me has come a very strong sense of a pack mentality. This includes a very complicated mix of things, but there are a couple that are more important, and more relevant now, than the others: first, I see myself as an alpha of sorts, and as responsible; second, that every one of my friends is part of my pack--the ones I'm responsible for. Lately, this has been seeming less like a good way for me to view the world...but before we get into that, it's been a very long time since I've done anything in the way of a life update.
I'm taking animation classes at Columbia College in Chicago now, but due to a lack of drawing classes included in the curriculum, I'm quickly becoming more and more certain that this isn't a good school for me. While my drawing skills have improved dramatically in just the last year, I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I have no teacher--and that improving as much as I want without one is very, very unlikely (and will be a significant challenge even with one, for that matter). That isn't to say I'm not doing well in these classes, either. In fact, I have straight As. The worst grade I've gotten this term was an 80%, and I'm steadfastly blaming my teacher's lack of teaching ability for that one. All my teachers in my animation classes have been very, very impressed with me and my work overall, and I'm doing so well academically I got an email inviting me to apply for a partial grant to fund half a personal project--problem being that I have no personal project, and no way to secure the other half of the funding.
tl;dr, School-wise, I'm doing impressively in a program that's not impressing me.
Now...for my own problems. I have, at the very least (and this is a low estimate), $60k of student debt right now, and animation is a very competitive job market. The reason I'm so unimpressed with Columbia right now is that I feel like I won't be a strong enough animator coming out of this program to compete--which will leave me floundering for work, with a huge amount of debt over my head. Seeing Obama's changes to student loan repayment was a huge boon of relief, but it's still not enough to help me relax. That is why I'm so worried about going to another school after Columbia. Even though I'd be paying the same amount for a much better school (more or less), it's still going to be at least another two years of classes, and it's expensive. I'm still trying to find programs that will loan to students going to school internationally in Canada, where there's a far cheaper school, but I haven't had any luck with that yet, so I've pretty much struck that one from the list. Yeah.
I can deal with that. Really, I can. It's been there since I got nearly four years in engineering only to realize I was fooling myself. Those loans are going to be there for a very long time, and there's nothing I can do about them now. 16 years old is not the age to put someone in control of their finances like that; 18 is hardly any better. I was too young to really be able to put that into perspective, and too stubborn to admit I should try to find something else. But it's all there now, and it's not going away. I have my mother's pledge of support no matter what, too. That was definitely a highlight of the week.
The real problems...go back to how I've come to feel like I have to shoulder everything for my friends. It...hasn't been so obvious, lately, as I've become more reserved--people have lashed out at me for trying to help, and rather than extend my hand anymore, I just kind of...quietly observe, and wish for the world there was something more I could do than just say the word "hugs" over the internet. Sometimes, I feel awkward even doing that much anymore. But...nonetheless...these things hurt.
At the top of the list...Stella, just a few days ago, had to put her dog down. This hurt for a lot of reasons, all at once. First, and most, I couldn't be there for her. I could pretend to, online, and all that, but...it's not the same. It isn't enough. It will never be enough for me to just be able to throw text at someone, no matter how much meaning and emotion is supposed to be behind them. I hate it. I hate that I used to be close enough to her to do what I wish I could, and to not be able to do it anymore. It makes me feel selfish, that I moved so far away for myself, for my own needs. Is it true? Am I selfish for that? Probably not. But she's a very, very dear friend to me, and at times like this...I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I know how much it hurts to lose a pet that way, to watch them slowly becoming so weak that they can no longer even stand...to watch them be in pain almost constantly...it's...one of the worst things I've had to go through. It hurt, so much...and I remember how badly I just wanted people there beside me--and I had them. Back then, I had all the friends I could ask for, right there beside me, and Stella was one of them--at least to a greater extent than I feel like I am for her right now.
Barely a few days difference, a newer friend of mine was kicked out of his apartment. I don't know him as well, not even remotely, but that doesn't change how it hurt. It was another round of sobbing, and pain, and wanting to scream in the agony that there is nothing I could do for him except to just "be there." He has a place to stay, and if he can get finances in order everything will be well, but...I still wish I could do more.
Just yesterday...another newer friend, one who is actively searching for her gender identity...was found out by her parents. Not only did this result in an overreaction, but her father destroyed her computer in rage by throwing it against the wall. Over something so simple. I'm not very close to this newer friend, but that doesn't change my gut reaction: wanting to be there to protect her from this. There is nothing that will ever make her parents' reaction to this okay. Not. EVER. I'm so angry over this that I can't properly express it in words, and I'm sure I'm far from the only one.
There are other things as well, some just as bad as these, others worse, but every last one boils down to one thing: my pack is suffering, and I don't feel like I'm doing enough to help. I can deal with my own problems well enough, more or less, and I know when I need to come to you guys for help, but...I can't get over the fact that I can't fix any f these things. I can't go back in time to be there for Stella, I can't replace a landlord or become rich instantly to pay someone else's suddenly jacked-up rent, I can't make someone's parents accept them, I can't magically make the world better, no matter how much I want to.
I can solve my own problems, or work them out to something well enough, that's just how life goes. Sometimes I just have to settle for what I can get, and work my way toward something better. But...I can't solve everyone else's problems, nor can I just ignore them and focus on myself. There has to be some way I can feel like I'm doing more, like I can be more of a person for these people to rely on, and to give them more of the support they need, but...how? I'm not a superhero...
Maybe I just need to say "fuck it" to all those people who got angry at me for trying to help in the ways I always used to. At least then I could really say I tried, even if some people were too stubborn to accept whatever it was I was offering. There were only a few of them anyway...I know who they are, it shouldn't be hard to avoid anything like that with them.
Now...the last thing to do is something about this "abandonment" deal that's been creeping around me. I'm not sure why, I think it's just the lack of physical presences around me, but I've been feeling it a lot lately; that people are starting to get so absorbed with things that I'm getting left by the wayside whenever I need the help that I want to give to all of them. I know no one's meaning to make it look like that, because every time I've done anything to point it out it's been a flood of apologies and hugs and cuddles, or the other person feels really guilty. Pointing out something like that is also a good way to get people on the defensive, too, which is something I can't stand, so that's not the way to go about things. What I'd rather figure out is some way to get myself to stop thinking that I'm being ignored, when often it may just be that people don't know what to say, or they didn't even see or hear me--AND NOT ON PURPOSE. I don't get why I feel like I have to put purpose to these things happening when it's not there. These people are my friends, and they do care about me, so...why am I making them out to be acting like they don't want me around? That...really makes no sense. It's been my thoughts on the subject for a while, but...I'm not sure how to make this train of thought quit. I can write off each individual thing, but over and over it just comes back. Part of it, I know, is stress, and maybe I should stop worrying so much about it until a lot of this stress has passed. I think...yeah...I'm going to do that. At least, I'll try. Hakuna Matata and all that. Just...need to stop worrying, and relax. Or...try to. No one's perfect.
But yeah. If anyone saw that little mini-freakout I had on Plurk the other day? That was the cause of it. People keep managing to miss things that I really wish I'd get replies to, even if the replies consist of something like a damn hugging emote. Being ignored really hurts, and....yeah, I'm just going to swear. It'll help. To warn you guys? I'm not quite so angry as I'm about to sound. ...Quite.
But it fucking hurts when you really need people to be there for you, and it seems like almost no one shows up. It's even worse when it seems like it's people who you feel really close to who aren't there. It sucks, and I hate it. How fucking hard is it to just check back through your notifs to make sure you're not missing anything before you just fucking skip all of them? What the fuck is the point of making a post if it's going to fucking get buried under a bunch of memes from a bunch of fucking nobodies to the point where people miss things they probably really didn't want to from their friends? It seriously ticks me off, that's why I don't go and fucking add everyone I ever fucking meet to my f-lists just because I've talked to them once or twice, and why if I don't seem to be clicking with them very well I remove them. I don't want to miss something important from you guys. I don't know if it hurts you as much as it does me, but I would be such an asshole asking for something I don't try to give myself. I want to be a person everyone can lean on, but...it's hard to keep that up when I don't feel like I'm losing my own support.
Deeeeep breath: Let's summarize everything that's under this cut, as not everyone has time to read it. Loans are way out of hand, and I'm scared my school's animation program isn't good enough to get me a job. My friends have had horrible things happening to them that I feel like I haven't been able to help with nearly as much as I would like to, which have all started looming in a black cloud over my head. And lastly, I'm starting to have either separation anxiety, or abandonment issues, and I really need to work on that, especially once the rest of this stress clears away.
...Damn it...ranting usually fucking helps. But right now...I still feel like shit. I guess I'll just blame the full moon and be done with it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
It's been...a horrendous week, with some small exceptions. I don't know how many people have known me long enough to really have learned this about me, but along with the whole "wolf" thing with me has come a very strong sense of a pack mentality. This includes a very complicated mix of things, but there are a couple that are more important, and more relevant now, than the others: first, I see myself as an alpha of sorts, and as responsible; second, that every one of my friends is part of my pack--the ones I'm responsible for. Lately, this has been seeming less like a good way for me to view the world...but before we get into that, it's been a very long time since I've done anything in the way of a life update.
I'm taking animation classes at Columbia College in Chicago now, but due to a lack of drawing classes included in the curriculum, I'm quickly becoming more and more certain that this isn't a good school for me. While my drawing skills have improved dramatically in just the last year, I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I have no teacher--and that improving as much as I want without one is very, very unlikely (and will be a significant challenge even with one, for that matter). That isn't to say I'm not doing well in these classes, either. In fact, I have straight As. The worst grade I've gotten this term was an 80%, and I'm steadfastly blaming my teacher's lack of teaching ability for that one. All my teachers in my animation classes have been very, very impressed with me and my work overall, and I'm doing so well academically I got an email inviting me to apply for a partial grant to fund half a personal project--problem being that I have no personal project, and no way to secure the other half of the funding.
tl;dr, School-wise, I'm doing impressively in a program that's not impressing me.
Now...for my own problems. I have, at the very least (and this is a low estimate), $60k of student debt right now, and animation is a very competitive job market. The reason I'm so unimpressed with Columbia right now is that I feel like I won't be a strong enough animator coming out of this program to compete--which will leave me floundering for work, with a huge amount of debt over my head. Seeing Obama's changes to student loan repayment was a huge boon of relief, but it's still not enough to help me relax. That is why I'm so worried about going to another school after Columbia. Even though I'd be paying the same amount for a much better school (more or less), it's still going to be at least another two years of classes, and it's expensive. I'm still trying to find programs that will loan to students going to school internationally in Canada, where there's a far cheaper school, but I haven't had any luck with that yet, so I've pretty much struck that one from the list. Yeah.
I can deal with that. Really, I can. It's been there since I got nearly four years in engineering only to realize I was fooling myself. Those loans are going to be there for a very long time, and there's nothing I can do about them now. 16 years old is not the age to put someone in control of their finances like that; 18 is hardly any better. I was too young to really be able to put that into perspective, and too stubborn to admit I should try to find something else. But it's all there now, and it's not going away. I have my mother's pledge of support no matter what, too. That was definitely a highlight of the week.
The real problems...go back to how I've come to feel like I have to shoulder everything for my friends. It...hasn't been so obvious, lately, as I've become more reserved--people have lashed out at me for trying to help, and rather than extend my hand anymore, I just kind of...quietly observe, and wish for the world there was something more I could do than just say the word "hugs" over the internet. Sometimes, I feel awkward even doing that much anymore. But...nonetheless...these things hurt.
At the top of the list...Stella, just a few days ago, had to put her dog down. This hurt for a lot of reasons, all at once. First, and most, I couldn't be there for her. I could pretend to, online, and all that, but...it's not the same. It isn't enough. It will never be enough for me to just be able to throw text at someone, no matter how much meaning and emotion is supposed to be behind them. I hate it. I hate that I used to be close enough to her to do what I wish I could, and to not be able to do it anymore. It makes me feel selfish, that I moved so far away for myself, for my own needs. Is it true? Am I selfish for that? Probably not. But she's a very, very dear friend to me, and at times like this...I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I know how much it hurts to lose a pet that way, to watch them slowly becoming so weak that they can no longer even stand...to watch them be in pain almost constantly...it's...one of the worst things I've had to go through. It hurt, so much...and I remember how badly I just wanted people there beside me--and I had them. Back then, I had all the friends I could ask for, right there beside me, and Stella was one of them--at least to a greater extent than I feel like I am for her right now.
Barely a few days difference, a newer friend of mine was kicked out of his apartment. I don't know him as well, not even remotely, but that doesn't change how it hurt. It was another round of sobbing, and pain, and wanting to scream in the agony that there is nothing I could do for him except to just "be there." He has a place to stay, and if he can get finances in order everything will be well, but...I still wish I could do more.
Just yesterday...another newer friend, one who is actively searching for her gender identity...was found out by her parents. Not only did this result in an overreaction, but her father destroyed her computer in rage by throwing it against the wall. Over something so simple. I'm not very close to this newer friend, but that doesn't change my gut reaction: wanting to be there to protect her from this. There is nothing that will ever make her parents' reaction to this okay. Not. EVER. I'm so angry over this that I can't properly express it in words, and I'm sure I'm far from the only one.
There are other things as well, some just as bad as these, others worse, but every last one boils down to one thing: my pack is suffering, and I don't feel like I'm doing enough to help. I can deal with my own problems well enough, more or less, and I know when I need to come to you guys for help, but...I can't get over the fact that I can't fix any f these things. I can't go back in time to be there for Stella, I can't replace a landlord or become rich instantly to pay someone else's suddenly jacked-up rent, I can't make someone's parents accept them, I can't magically make the world better, no matter how much I want to.
I can solve my own problems, or work them out to something well enough, that's just how life goes. Sometimes I just have to settle for what I can get, and work my way toward something better. But...I can't solve everyone else's problems, nor can I just ignore them and focus on myself. There has to be some way I can feel like I'm doing more, like I can be more of a person for these people to rely on, and to give them more of the support they need, but...how? I'm not a superhero...
Maybe I just need to say "fuck it" to all those people who got angry at me for trying to help in the ways I always used to. At least then I could really say I tried, even if some people were too stubborn to accept whatever it was I was offering. There were only a few of them anyway...I know who they are, it shouldn't be hard to avoid anything like that with them.
Now...the last thing to do is something about this "abandonment" deal that's been creeping around me. I'm not sure why, I think it's just the lack of physical presences around me, but I've been feeling it a lot lately; that people are starting to get so absorbed with things that I'm getting left by the wayside whenever I need the help that I want to give to all of them. I know no one's meaning to make it look like that, because every time I've done anything to point it out it's been a flood of apologies and hugs and cuddles, or the other person feels really guilty. Pointing out something like that is also a good way to get people on the defensive, too, which is something I can't stand, so that's not the way to go about things. What I'd rather figure out is some way to get myself to stop thinking that I'm being ignored, when often it may just be that people don't know what to say, or they didn't even see or hear me--AND NOT ON PURPOSE. I don't get why I feel like I have to put purpose to these things happening when it's not there. These people are my friends, and they do care about me, so...why am I making them out to be acting like they don't want me around? That...really makes no sense. It's been my thoughts on the subject for a while, but...I'm not sure how to make this train of thought quit. I can write off each individual thing, but over and over it just comes back. Part of it, I know, is stress, and maybe I should stop worrying so much about it until a lot of this stress has passed. I think...yeah...I'm going to do that. At least, I'll try. Hakuna Matata and all that. Just...need to stop worrying, and relax. Or...try to. No one's perfect.
But yeah. If anyone saw that little mini-freakout I had on Plurk the other day? That was the cause of it. People keep managing to miss things that I really wish I'd get replies to, even if the replies consist of something like a damn hugging emote. Being ignored really hurts, and....yeah, I'm just going to swear. It'll help. To warn you guys? I'm not quite so angry as I'm about to sound. ...Quite.
But it fucking hurts when you really need people to be there for you, and it seems like almost no one shows up. It's even worse when it seems like it's people who you feel really close to who aren't there. It sucks, and I hate it. How fucking hard is it to just check back through your notifs to make sure you're not missing anything before you just fucking skip all of them? What the fuck is the point of making a post if it's going to fucking get buried under a bunch of memes from a bunch of fucking nobodies to the point where people miss things they probably really didn't want to from their friends? It seriously ticks me off, that's why I don't go and fucking add everyone I ever fucking meet to my f-lists just because I've talked to them once or twice, and why if I don't seem to be clicking with them very well I remove them. I don't want to miss something important from you guys. I don't know if it hurts you as much as it does me, but I would be such an asshole asking for something I don't try to give myself. I want to be a person everyone can lean on, but...it's hard to keep that up when I don't feel like I'm losing my own support.
Deeeeep breath: Let's summarize everything that's under this cut, as not everyone has time to read it. Loans are way out of hand, and I'm scared my school's animation program isn't good enough to get me a job. My friends have had horrible things happening to them that I feel like I haven't been able to help with nearly as much as I would like to, which have all started looming in a black cloud over my head. And lastly, I'm starting to have either separation anxiety, or abandonment issues, and I really need to work on that, especially once the rest of this stress clears away.
...Damn it...ranting usually fucking helps. But right now...I still feel like shit. I guess I'll just blame the full moon and be done with it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.