Pregnancy, School, Job
For the sake of superficial brevity, I've hidden the following .
I'm still pregnant. STILL pregnant. GIGANTICALLY pregnant. My pelvis has come apart in a new, exciting, and even more painful location, so now I can't move or put weight on my left leg at all -- the two or three steps from the wheelchair to the toilet are excruciating, yet it is an action I must take about twenty times a day. I can no longer stay at my house at all, as getting up the steps to my bed is impossible. So, I'm at the farm for the duration. I only go home briefly (and sans children) in order to get my regular prostaglandin injections in an attempt to hurry along the softening of my cervix. (We're wondering if this would be called "postcreation" rather than "procreation.") We are trying nearly every natural means of bringing on labor, though I am not yet quite desperate enough for the castor oil. I am, however, making friends with my breast pump again and lactating quite nicely.
For those of you not on Facebook (and who thus would have missed my brief update last week) I spent last Thursday night in the emergency room having symptoms of either heart problems or a pulmonary embolism (i.e. a blood clot in my lung). After an EKG, various blood work, and a CAT scan, they found that I had a hiatal hernia that was pushing my esophagus into my chest cavity, thus putting pressure on the area around my heart and lungs, which was causing my body to totally freak out. I had chest pressure, shortness of breath, my left arm felt heavy and numb, I was sweaty, nauseous -- the whole bit. My mother (the former registered nurse) wanted me to go straight to the hospital, but I insisted on going to class that night instead. Later, the symptoms started up again and got even worse, so when the midwife on call told me to go to the ER, I went. Ultimately, it comes down to being too pregnant -- there is no room for my esophagus (or anything else) so it is all pushing together; this will probably go away after I'm not pregnant any more.
In a totally unrelated note, I am still really digging school and hoping desperately that I can keep up around, with, and despite my impending birth and infant care. Tonight, my husband came to my Native American Literature class to sing for the class in Cherokee since the novel we were reading was set within the Trail of Tears. There was a whole lot in the book about the Cherokee language, so I thought that it would be neat for the class to get to hear what that actually sounds like. One of the songs he sang was the Cherokee version of "Amazing Grace," which was actually sung by them on the Trail of Tears. He has an amazing voice -- it was funny, though, that before he came in, I found myself having this sweaty hands, almost fear reaction to the idea of him singing in such a small room. He has such a powerful voice, and I am used to hearing him sing "full voice" when he sings outside or in large performance spaces, that my body is actually somewhat frightened of the intensity of the sound that he can make. (He's not allowed to start singing in the car without warning me.) He sang appropriately for a small room, however, so my fear was unfounded, and it was really, really neat. The professor asked if he would come back again before the end of the semester, which I think would be fun, too.
On the job front, I got an unexpected note from my supervisor at work. I had signed up to teach two short classes this coming quarter -- when we set this up, she KNEW that I would be having a baby around now and that I might need a sub for week or two. We discussed this in great detail and that was not a problem. However, today I received an email that said the following:
"Since the date of your delivery is still uncertain, we’ve decided that this might not be the best quarter for you to teach XXXXX. I’m assuming you probably also feel this way, since it’s been such a difficult few months, and we don’t know how much recovery time you will need."
Um, thanks for the assumption. The last we talked about this (about two weeks ago) she knew that I was revising the lesson plans for the class, so where this "assumption" came from is beyond me. I also have no idea who "we" is in this -- no one was copied on the mail, and I know that it is not standard policy to 1) not discuss with faculty before pulling his or her classes and 2) to communicate that through email. Not to mention that this (as is true of pretty much all of her communication) is not direct or completely clear -- I am always having to verify that she means what it sounds like she means, but will not come right out and say. My response was to clarify that what she was saying was that I am no longer going to be teaching there next quarter, right? Right.
And on one hand, I don't really care (other than about the money, which we need) because I could use the time off -- I won't be in school and I have five or six of my own writing projects to get out the door, not to mention that I'll have a new baby and may or may not instantly recover from this pelvic condition. I am also not crazy about working under this person anyway -- I find her very difficult to communicate with, as she often says "We'll do it this way," and then totally changes her mind and wants you (read: me) to redo it based upon whatever new way she has randomly decided she wants it done. She has also asked me (repeatedly) to do extra work (like tutoring her students) and then not wanted to or intended to pay me for those hours. Um, no -- I don't work for free -- if you ask me to work, I will, but I will be paid to do so. Just last week I graded a stack of student essays (while having contractions the whole time, I might add) and as I had made it clear to her that I would not EVER be working when I was not getting paid, I assume she will not balk at the time card I am turning in at the beginning of next week when they are due. And of course she didn't mention me not teaching there next quarter BEFORE asking me to do this extra work that is not really my responsibility. Nope. She waited until afterward.
I am a bit annoyed, more at how this was done than anything. Had she called me up and expressed her concerns, gotten my feedback, had a discussion about it, I would feel very differently. But that is not her style. She is "nice," which means that she puts on a "nice face" all the time, doesn't want to disappoint or upset anyone, tries to cover her butt when she makes mistakes, is generally unprofessional, and has the crappiest, most indirect communication I have had to deal with for a very long time. Do I really want to keep working for someone like that? Not really, but I do like the job a lot. And this doesn't mean that I won't be teaching there, just that I won't be teaching there over the summer, which really is neither here nor there for me -- I can see an up side either way. Still, I'm a bit annoyed, mostly because this is about the fifth time that her indirect, "I'll hint around and hope that you play along" communication style just drives me insane. I also know that she is intimidated by how direct I am, but there is no other way to clarify what the heck she means half the time without that. Indirectness just wastes too much time and energy, not to mention that it leads to miscommunications and misunderstandings that could easily be avoided.
Gosh, didn't mean to go off on that, but it did just happen today, and I am a bit annoyed about it. My Hubby is taking a copy of the email (I forwarded it to him) to discuss it with / bring it to the attention of the campus director tomorrow, as he is fairly certain that she has no clue that this happened, and certainly not that it happened in this manner. I would do it myself, but obviously I'm not there.
Other than that, the kids are great, incredibly adorable, and terribly smart. They are having fun out here at the farm, but are starting to get really homesick, so at some point this weekend, my Hubby is going to take them into the city to spend some time at the house. I am also probably going to go visit my mother-in-law this weekend (with the whole family) to spend some quality time in her nice, deep, large jacuzzi -- I would give about anything to be submerged in hot water right now, even if I need a crane to get in and out.
I hope to have this baby VERY, VERY SOON, but because of my birthing preferences, I will not have a pharmaceutical induction unless I am seriously over my due date and/or experiencing perpetual and unremitting pain. Because of some other factors, breaking my water early is not really a safe option (his head is still "bouncy" right now, for instance, and breaking my water could lead to him positioning sideways or backwards with no fluid in which to reposition) and if I have pictocin, I will have to be on constant monitoring, which means no labor tub. Pictocin often leads to extra painful contractions, and with the monitoring, I would be taking away the thing that cuts 80% of the pain of labor, i.e. the tub. I am not interested in an epidural -- I am totally freaked out by the idea of a needle in my spine and always have been, and with this pelvis separation, it is not really safe for me to have one unless it is genuinely an emergency. If I can't feel what the joints in my pelvis are doing, I am much more likely to seriously injure myself during delivery, and I do NOT want that. As painful as this is, at least it is temporary -- if I tear apart the joints during childbirth, it could be months and/or I might need surgery to correct it. And at the same time, I know how much the big tub helps the pain, so I'll wait. And wait. And wait….
But at least I / we have something fun to do while I'm waiting -- even if the prostaglandin / oxytocin experiment doesn't bring on labor, hey, at least it's fun trying.
I'm still pregnant. STILL pregnant. GIGANTICALLY pregnant. My pelvis has come apart in a new, exciting, and even more painful location, so now I can't move or put weight on my left leg at all -- the two or three steps from the wheelchair to the toilet are excruciating, yet it is an action I must take about twenty times a day. I can no longer stay at my house at all, as getting up the steps to my bed is impossible. So, I'm at the farm for the duration. I only go home briefly (and sans children) in order to get my regular prostaglandin injections in an attempt to hurry along the softening of my cervix. (We're wondering if this would be called "postcreation" rather than "procreation.") We are trying nearly every natural means of bringing on labor, though I am not yet quite desperate enough for the castor oil. I am, however, making friends with my breast pump again and lactating quite nicely.
For those of you not on Facebook (and who thus would have missed my brief update last week) I spent last Thursday night in the emergency room having symptoms of either heart problems or a pulmonary embolism (i.e. a blood clot in my lung). After an EKG, various blood work, and a CAT scan, they found that I had a hiatal hernia that was pushing my esophagus into my chest cavity, thus putting pressure on the area around my heart and lungs, which was causing my body to totally freak out. I had chest pressure, shortness of breath, my left arm felt heavy and numb, I was sweaty, nauseous -- the whole bit. My mother (the former registered nurse) wanted me to go straight to the hospital, but I insisted on going to class that night instead. Later, the symptoms started up again and got even worse, so when the midwife on call told me to go to the ER, I went. Ultimately, it comes down to being too pregnant -- there is no room for my esophagus (or anything else) so it is all pushing together; this will probably go away after I'm not pregnant any more.
In a totally unrelated note, I am still really digging school and hoping desperately that I can keep up around, with, and despite my impending birth and infant care. Tonight, my husband came to my Native American Literature class to sing for the class in Cherokee since the novel we were reading was set within the Trail of Tears. There was a whole lot in the book about the Cherokee language, so I thought that it would be neat for the class to get to hear what that actually sounds like. One of the songs he sang was the Cherokee version of "Amazing Grace," which was actually sung by them on the Trail of Tears. He has an amazing voice -- it was funny, though, that before he came in, I found myself having this sweaty hands, almost fear reaction to the idea of him singing in such a small room. He has such a powerful voice, and I am used to hearing him sing "full voice" when he sings outside or in large performance spaces, that my body is actually somewhat frightened of the intensity of the sound that he can make. (He's not allowed to start singing in the car without warning me.) He sang appropriately for a small room, however, so my fear was unfounded, and it was really, really neat. The professor asked if he would come back again before the end of the semester, which I think would be fun, too.
On the job front, I got an unexpected note from my supervisor at work. I had signed up to teach two short classes this coming quarter -- when we set this up, she KNEW that I would be having a baby around now and that I might need a sub for week or two. We discussed this in great detail and that was not a problem. However, today I received an email that said the following:
"Since the date of your delivery is still uncertain, we’ve decided that this might not be the best quarter for you to teach XXXXX. I’m assuming you probably also feel this way, since it’s been such a difficult few months, and we don’t know how much recovery time you will need."
Um, thanks for the assumption. The last we talked about this (about two weeks ago) she knew that I was revising the lesson plans for the class, so where this "assumption" came from is beyond me. I also have no idea who "we" is in this -- no one was copied on the mail, and I know that it is not standard policy to 1) not discuss with faculty before pulling his or her classes and 2) to communicate that through email. Not to mention that this (as is true of pretty much all of her communication) is not direct or completely clear -- I am always having to verify that she means what it sounds like she means, but will not come right out and say. My response was to clarify that what she was saying was that I am no longer going to be teaching there next quarter, right? Right.
And on one hand, I don't really care (other than about the money, which we need) because I could use the time off -- I won't be in school and I have five or six of my own writing projects to get out the door, not to mention that I'll have a new baby and may or may not instantly recover from this pelvic condition. I am also not crazy about working under this person anyway -- I find her very difficult to communicate with, as she often says "We'll do it this way," and then totally changes her mind and wants you (read: me) to redo it based upon whatever new way she has randomly decided she wants it done. She has also asked me (repeatedly) to do extra work (like tutoring her students) and then not wanted to or intended to pay me for those hours. Um, no -- I don't work for free -- if you ask me to work, I will, but I will be paid to do so. Just last week I graded a stack of student essays (while having contractions the whole time, I might add) and as I had made it clear to her that I would not EVER be working when I was not getting paid, I assume she will not balk at the time card I am turning in at the beginning of next week when they are due. And of course she didn't mention me not teaching there next quarter BEFORE asking me to do this extra work that is not really my responsibility. Nope. She waited until afterward.
I am a bit annoyed, more at how this was done than anything. Had she called me up and expressed her concerns, gotten my feedback, had a discussion about it, I would feel very differently. But that is not her style. She is "nice," which means that she puts on a "nice face" all the time, doesn't want to disappoint or upset anyone, tries to cover her butt when she makes mistakes, is generally unprofessional, and has the crappiest, most indirect communication I have had to deal with for a very long time. Do I really want to keep working for someone like that? Not really, but I do like the job a lot. And this doesn't mean that I won't be teaching there, just that I won't be teaching there over the summer, which really is neither here nor there for me -- I can see an up side either way. Still, I'm a bit annoyed, mostly because this is about the fifth time that her indirect, "I'll hint around and hope that you play along" communication style just drives me insane. I also know that she is intimidated by how direct I am, but there is no other way to clarify what the heck she means half the time without that. Indirectness just wastes too much time and energy, not to mention that it leads to miscommunications and misunderstandings that could easily be avoided.
Gosh, didn't mean to go off on that, but it did just happen today, and I am a bit annoyed about it. My Hubby is taking a copy of the email (I forwarded it to him) to discuss it with / bring it to the attention of the campus director tomorrow, as he is fairly certain that she has no clue that this happened, and certainly not that it happened in this manner. I would do it myself, but obviously I'm not there.
Other than that, the kids are great, incredibly adorable, and terribly smart. They are having fun out here at the farm, but are starting to get really homesick, so at some point this weekend, my Hubby is going to take them into the city to spend some time at the house. I am also probably going to go visit my mother-in-law this weekend (with the whole family) to spend some quality time in her nice, deep, large jacuzzi -- I would give about anything to be submerged in hot water right now, even if I need a crane to get in and out.
I hope to have this baby VERY, VERY SOON, but because of my birthing preferences, I will not have a pharmaceutical induction unless I am seriously over my due date and/or experiencing perpetual and unremitting pain. Because of some other factors, breaking my water early is not really a safe option (his head is still "bouncy" right now, for instance, and breaking my water could lead to him positioning sideways or backwards with no fluid in which to reposition) and if I have pictocin, I will have to be on constant monitoring, which means no labor tub. Pictocin often leads to extra painful contractions, and with the monitoring, I would be taking away the thing that cuts 80% of the pain of labor, i.e. the tub. I am not interested in an epidural -- I am totally freaked out by the idea of a needle in my spine and always have been, and with this pelvis separation, it is not really safe for me to have one unless it is genuinely an emergency. If I can't feel what the joints in my pelvis are doing, I am much more likely to seriously injure myself during delivery, and I do NOT want that. As painful as this is, at least it is temporary -- if I tear apart the joints during childbirth, it could be months and/or I might need surgery to correct it. And at the same time, I know how much the big tub helps the pain, so I'll wait. And wait. And wait….
But at least I / we have something fun to do while I'm waiting -- even if the prostaglandin / oxytocin experiment doesn't bring on labor, hey, at least it's fun trying.