ugh. i hate life.
school has started. it's alright. all my lunches suck. there's nobody good and like no people.
I'm in a weird mood right now. I'm happy one minute then depressed the next. I'm in a depressed mode right now, just cuz I'm starting to realize lots of things.
For instance I have a problem with holding onto friendships. I don't know what my problem is or anything, but it happens all the time. It happened with Todd, Janine, Colleen, Shannon, Wendy, Mike, Garrett...and the one that's always bothered me the most is Kara. I mean, I used to be wicked close with all of them, Kara used to be my best friend. I still don't get what happened with me and Kara. I still love her and we never really faught or anything, it's just like we stopped talking. I still love her, and I always with. I just wish that I coulda held onto our friendship, cuz that girl was the only person I needed in life. She was always the one that was there, and then she was gone in a flash. I'm trying hard to talk to all of them this year, just to talk you know...but who knows what will happen. Right now it's starting to happen with Ariane. We don't really talk anymore, and I never see her in school. I feel like I try to call her, but she doesn't want to talk and she never calls me. I don't know. Maybe it's cuz she's going out with Mike and she has less and less time for me, even though she says that's not it, that's the only thing that really seems to be doing it. I'm really afraid it's going to happen with Kristen, and I'm afraid it's already started. Sometimes I just feel like she doesn't want to talk to me and shit, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid and scared. It's just she's the Kara of right now. She's always there and she always puts a smile on my face, and over this summer we got so close and I don't know. I just love her so much, and I don't know what I would do without her honestly. I don't know where I would be, or who I would talk to because she always makes me feel good about myself. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to lose her. I never want to...never. Sometimes, I feel like she's the only one that gets me and she's the only one that really cares about me. She's just made this huge impact on my life, and I don't want her to disappear like the rest of them have. :o\ I'm like in tears right now, just thinking of what I would do without her. Honestly, I don't know if I'd beable to live. Kristen is the one person that's like keeping me here right now. She's been such an amazing friend to me, and I think I'm just a bitch back. I just wouldn't beable to stand it if we ever got into a fight, or if she was ever mad at me...it would just be so unbearable and miserable for me. I wouldn't beable to function...and this isn't an exageration...Kristen like keeps me going. Just knowing that she might not beable to go to my party makes me upset. That sounds selfish because her sister is getting married that same day, but if I could only have ONE person be there, I would want it to be her, nobody else...because I know we would have fun and I know no matter happens, we'll be good and everything.....i just wish I knew I could show her how much I love and care about her... I always bring myself down like this.
I've also come to realize that school is going to change a lot of things for me. Certain people I'm going to be seeing less because of our schedule differences and grades and stuff. Yeah, I might meet new people, but I still want my old friends. Like, I'm going to miss Chris Cal so much, that boy was the best. I'm going to miss Beals, and Mike...wow. There's so many others.
I also hate how I make such dumb mistakes. I'm not gonna give examples for this, because I don't want some people to know. It's just I think I'm doing the right thing, but in the end it blows up in my face and it's just terrible. I can't stand it, but I never realize I'm doing it. ((I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about)). Those are the main things, so I'm just leaving it at that. I'm not gonna go on anymore cuz I'm sure people are prob pissed enough that I wrote this journal entry.
I'm sorry, but I just needed to vent. Please just don't kick me while i'm down... xoxo*