I enjoyed reading it, but it needs a lot of work. This is aimed at a more educated audience. You need to be more compelling and creative. Try expanding on the vocabulary too. I wish I was there to actually sit down and go over it with you.
Hey, I'm taking Clinical psych right now and just completed an assignment where we had to write our personal statement. I'm not sure, but I don't think this will work. Tomorrow at work I'll make a copy of the guidelines for the personal statement that I think will help and also an example of my TA's statement (I get mine back tomorrow... if she didn't rip it apart and tell me it was horrible, I'll let you check that out too :).. actually, even if she did, I'll let you see it so that you can get a feel for what they're looking for.).
I think the part about being a repair man and fixing peoples problems while fixing their apartments is just cheesy enough to catch someones eye. hahaha. It definitely needs work though. I'd be happy to sit down and soften up the rough edges for you after I finish taking my tests this week.
Yeah bro, easy on the pathos. While it says much about you it isnt going to convince a grad school that you should enter. Its good to show interaction with a broad range of people and I am not sure of your aim with it but I think you took the term 'personal' to me a bit too much. Not a memoir kid. Actually your style hasnt changed much since you were writing your statement for your film school application...
till then...sapphiredawnNovember 2 2005, 00:38:41 UTC
Hmmm. Alright. The ex highschool newspaper editor in me flares mysteriously to life.
I was going through my info page and I saw I had a new friend! So I added you back and bam popped this entry. ;)
There are two extremely strong points you've used here. The metaphor on fixing people's problems while fixing their homes can be played up a bit more as to what kind of purpose you, as the author, tend to fulfill in life. That's a big strong point. If there's anything I've learned in sales and education (which happens to be my job) it's that regardless of who you actually are, regardless of what you actually know, it's all about the sale in the end. This statement of purpose is an excellent dissertation about who you are and what you're here for
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I think the part about being a repair man and fixing peoples problems while fixing their apartments is just cheesy enough to catch someones eye. hahaha. It definitely needs work though. I'd be happy to sit down and soften up the rough edges for you after I finish taking my tests this week.
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I was going through my info page and I saw I had a new friend! So I added you back and bam popped this entry. ;)
There are two extremely strong points you've used here. The metaphor on fixing people's problems while fixing their homes can be played up a bit more as to what kind of purpose you, as the author, tend to fulfill in life. That's a big strong point. If there's anything I've learned in sales and education (which happens to be my job) it's that regardless of who you actually are, regardless of what you actually know, it's all about the sale in the end. This statement of purpose is an excellent dissertation about who you are and what you're here for ( ... )
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