Grey Room (1/1)
She figured the noise in the hall was Alex finally making his way home from the hospital. Everyone else was asleep. Izzie had gone to bed and Christina was dead to the world on the couch. Callie had headed home to George hours ago. She sighed and turned over, trying to get comfortable. But the view of the bathroom door and the wide expanse of the bare right side of her bed did little to ease her back to sleep.
The door of her room creaked open, pulling her from her attempt at sleep. She sat up, bleary-eyed and met the eyes of the last person she thought she’d see tonight. His expression was grim, sad like it had been for days. Days that she wanted to push out of her memory. Days that she wanted to take back. But behind that look, behind that look was one that was even worse. It was a look of defeat.
There was no pretense, he simply stood in her doorway and said “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Her heart dropped. So, this was it. This was what was bound to happen. This was the end. She looked away from him. Away from the defeat and the sadness. Away from the broken look he was giving her. Away from yet another person leaving her.
His voice was low and scratchy when he spoke again. “I stood in Joe’s tonight and I seriously considered letting a woman buy me a drink. Jesus Meredith, I don’t know how we got here. I just don’t know how it got to the point where it would be easier to let some girl buy me a drink rather than to come home to you.”
She tried to swallow past the thick lump that was forming in her throat. She wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t let him see her cry as he walked away. She looked down at the comforter, trying to find her words. Trying to let him leave. Trying to be brave. But the bitterness broke through her defenses.
"Well then, what stopped you?” she snapped. “You had it. You had your do over. You had another “just a girl in a bar” to start over with.”
Anger flittered across his face for a moment so quick she almost hadn’t seen it. He sucked in a sharp breath and ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends. He was trying to calm himself. She knew him. He was going to attempt to stay calm and rational. He was going to try to be polite. Be as polite as could be while he stomped on her heart once more.
But he surprised her. The anger returned to his face. And he did the last thing she thought he would do. He started to yell at her.
“Dammit, Meredith! Is that it? Is that all you have to say to me? You’re just going to resign yourself to fate or whatever and send me on my way? That’s it, I’m done! I’m done trying to stand here and let you be and give you space and tread on eggshells. This is what all that has got me. This, I don’t even know what this is! Why Meredith? That is all I want to know! Why are you pushing me away? What the fuck did I do to deserve to being pushed away?”
His tone, the anger, the vehemence in his voice shocked her. Derek didn’t yell. Derek talked and brooded. Derek didn’t yell. And yet here he was. Yelling, pushing her for answers. She didn’t know how to deal with this Derek. And somehow the yelling shook her enough to make her speak.
“I don’t know.” She admitted, quietly.
“You do! You do know. Why Meredith? I was here. I was in this. Every time I’m here, you push me away. Why?”
“I don’t know!” She exclaimed. Tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes against her will. She just wanted it to stop. She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted to disappear so that it would all just fucking stop.
“You do Mer, tell me why!” She shook her head back and forth and pulled her knees up to her chest. She hadn’t realized he was so close until he was standing beside her. “Why, Meredith, just say it. You just need to say it! Why?”
“Because,” she stuttered out. She just wanted all the pain to go away. She just wanted him to make all the pain go away.
“Because why?” He pushed. He was always pushing, always trying to get inside. She couldn’t let that happened. She couldn’t let him in because....
“Why, Meredith?” He reached out and grasped her hand. “Why?”
And she couldn’t hold it in anymore. All the ugliness just bled out. It bled out in a harsh, angry voice. “Because you’ll just leave me! You’ll leave, just like everyone else! Everyone always leaves me! You’ll leave! Just like…just like…”
“Just like I did before.” he said, resigned.
At his words, the sobs that had been building up inside her, the sobs that had been months in the making, the sobs she had become an expert on tamping down just broke free. All the bitterness and loneliness and anger that had been festering for months since Addison had shown up or maybe really festering for years just flooded out in big messy sobs. She didn’t think she could even control them now. She tried to curl into to her self as much as she could, pulling her knees up tighter. But he was tugging on her, pulling her arms loose from the grip around her knees, opening her up, trying to pull her to him. She tried to fight him at first but finally she just let him pull her close. He dragged her into his lap and held on as tight as possible as she cried.
His voice started to bleed through the sobs and tears. A quiet repetition of “I’m sorry’s” and “I’m here’s” They grounded her and pulled her back from the brink. She sat back and dared to look at him again. The anger was gone. The hurt was gone. The sadness was there but so were determination and regret and something else. Something she never quite allowed herself to really see. He met her eyes. He looked at her and pushed his forehead up against hers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He whispered as a tear slide down his cheek. “I…I just…if there is one thing in my life that I will ever regret, it is the day I walked away from you.”
And there it was. She had never really known she had needed to hear that apology until she had it. She had brushed off his attempts before to apologize for that time, thinking they just needed to move forward and not dwell on the past. But now she realized she had needed it desperately.
“I know I can say I’m sorry and I can say that I’m here but you’ve heard that before. You deserve more than words, Meredith. I’m sorry and I’m here but I’m going to prove it to you. I am going to be here and I’m going to keep being here and I’m going to show you that not everyone leaves. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they stay."
She sniffed and clung tighter to his sweater. But the doubt, the doubt was still hanging on even if by a thread. “But, you said…earlier…”
“What I said…what I said was that it would be easier. But I don’t want easier. I don’t want anything but you. You just have to let me try. You can’t just push me away and not let me try. I am not just going to let you do that anymore. I can’t do that anymore. I want to try. I am going to try like hell.”
He tilted her face up to look at him. To look him in the eye. Love, that is what it was. That was the look that filled his eyes. She finally allowed her self to see the love was always there. Always there for her and her alone.
“I don’t want easier Mer; I don’t want some girl in a bar. I got the girl in the bar that I wanted. I want her forever. Please Mer. Please let me try.”
She took a deep breath. A breath that didn’t feel so heavy. A breath that wasn’t as tainted with fear. He had done the one thing no one else had ever accomplished. He had pushed and pushed and had made it past all the walls, all the roadblocks. And he had found her on the other side.
“Okay,” she whispered. “I want to try too.”
His face lit up. Happiness graced his features for the first time in days. Another tear made its way down his cheek. “Okay, Mer. Okay that is…that is…” He didn’t get the words out. He just pulled her as close as he could get to her. Pulled her close and kissed her wet cheeks and eyes.
“We can do this, Meredith. We can.” He said with absolute certainty
“We can,” she agreed and for the first time in her life, she believed that she could.
********
But I've still got me to be your open door,
I've still got me to be your sandy shore
I've still got me to cross your bridge in this storm
And I've still got me to keep you warm