It Only Hurts When I Breathe 6-7/?
Author: beps_wildorchid
Rating: PG-13
Summary:Mark is left reeling after seeing Addison and Alex after their rendezvous. He only ever really loved Addison, but he never really had a chance...
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
When Addison awoke a couple of hours later, Mark was sitting beside her. The television was on softly, and though he was facing the screen, he wasn’t paying attention to the program that was on. When he felt her shift beside him, her turned to look at her, needing to know what she wasn’t telling him.
“Hey. How are you feeling?” He asked. She cleared her throat, grimacing.
“Okay,” she offered, her voice thick with sleep, “been better.”
“What was that all about, Addison? That was the worst I’ve ever seen it.” She groaned, dropping her head against the headboard.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Mark. Leave it be.”
“You were going to tell me, Ads, and you still are. I can’t let this go.”
“Mark…” she said, grabbing on to his shoulder desperately, starting to panic again.
“You’re okay, you can do this. Breathe,” he said supportively, pulling her against him and rubbing her back. Her body relaxed as she drew deep breaths, “good girl.” She pushed against his chest, sliding herself back.
“I can’t,” she paused, taking a deep breath, trying to stay calm, “I can’t get pregnant.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she held out a hand. “Physically, I can’t get pregnant. Ironic, isn’t it? I’m probably just getting what I deserve. It’s just...poetic, isn’t it?” she laughs bitterly.
“Addison…”
“No, don’t...don’t do that! You can’t be nice to me after that. You’re pissed at me, and you hate me because I killed our child. And now? Now my FSH levels are too high and my antral follicle count is two. Two! No fertility potential. At all.”
“Oh, Addie…” he wrapped his arms around her, and she struggled, trying to push him away, but he wouldn’t relent. Eventually the anger drained out of her body and was replaced by sobbing, she was finally allowing herself to feel. Mark knew that he had to be persistent, and most of the time she needed to feel secure in order to let herself acknowledge her pain, otherwise it would be likely to make her anxiety worse and she would have panic attacks. That was another reason he had stayed outside of her hotel room in Seattle-- he wanted to be there in case something like that should happen.
After a long while, Addison had once again tired herself out. Once she fell asleep, he carefully untangles himself from her long limbs to get her some water, knowing that she will need it when she wakes up. Ideally, it would have helped if she had drank it before she fell asleep, but she was too upset to let him leave to get the water, much less hold a glass steadily enough to drink from it. When she woke up she would probably feel sick and almost hung over from dehydration. Mark was filling a glass in the small suite’s kitchenette when her panicked voice rang out through the room.
“Mark?!” He shut off the water, moving quickly back to her side.
“I’m right here, Ads!” he called out in transit, handing the glass to her when he got there. Her body visibly relaxed when she saw him, and she worked to make her breathing return to normal and blink back the tears that had been gathering in her eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah…” she laughed nervously, “I just...I thought maybe that you left.” She looked down nervously, tracing her index finger around the rim of the glass. He put two fingers beneath her chin, tilting her face up to look her in the eye.
“I would never leave you, especially not knowing something like that could happen.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you for leaving...I mean, I killed our child without even talking to you and here I am complaining about how I can’t have a kid. God, I am such a bitch.” Mark forced himself to stay calm and his voice from breaking.
“It’s okay, Addison. You didn’t want to have a baby with me. I can’t blame you for that.”
“But you would’ve wanted one with me! I didn’t even consider that you might have been happy about it. I was too busy worrying about being on my own and raising a baby and I was being selfish. I didn’t give you a chance!”
“Ads, it’s in the past. What’s done is done.”
“So you are mad.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“Look, I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn’t wish you had kept the baby, but I’m not mad at you. You did what you felt you had to do, but I still feel horrible that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this.” She turned her attention to drinking the glass of water that he had given her while also fighting back tears. When she finished the water, she placed the glass on the table beside the bed, then slowly raised her eyes to meet his.
“What do I do now?” Mark wrapped his arms around her, letting her know that he would be strong for her so that she could break down.
“Let me hold you.”
After a long while, Addison fell asleep in Mark’s arms. Although he was still concerned about her, he was glad at least that he had been able to be there for her when she needed him. He had never been one of those people who were particularly intuitive, especially when it came to Addison, so he was glad that he was able to help her in any way possible, and comforting her was one of the things that he had most longed to do ever since he met her. He had never really been able to do that in the past because she wasn’t his-she belonged to Derek, and then after Derek left, Mark had felt so much guilt over his actions that he had been unable to be the man that he longed to be. That was why he had cheated on her in New York, among other reasons. He had been afraid to commit, but he also felt as though he had screwed up her life enough by causing her to really lose her husband for good. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had. He figured that his best defense would be to push her away by hurting her, which, as he thought back on it now, made no sense, because in trying to protect her from pain, he was merely inflicting a different kind of pain on her. At the time, he had thought that cheating on her would be painful in a much less significant way, and that would thus save her from being completely in love with him and having her heart broken just as it had been with Derek.
Looking down at the sleeping beauty who was safely encased in his arms, his heart melted just a little bit more. She looked so small, so vulnerable-which was clearly something that no one would have expected of the redheaded Amazon woman who stood at 5’10” even without the four-inch stilettos that she insisted on wearing. She was beautiful, and more beautiful, he thought, in this moment than she had ever been before. She looked so much younger as she lay in his arms; her body was completely relaxed for the first time that he could remember in recent history, even in sleep. He liked to think that it was because he was there for her, he was able to make her feel completely protected and at ease, which was something that he never thought he would be able to provide for anyone. He had always thought that inevitably he would end up like his sad excuse for a father, thus being the one to cause others pain, not relieve it. He had gone into medicine in order escape his father’s legacy, but the fact that he had gone into plastics and continued to be a man-whore had voided his attempt as Addison herself had said on many occasions. He thought maybe he was growing up after all, maybe she was just the woman that he needed to turn his life around, and that everything would be okay in the end. He only hoped that he could provide her with everything that she possibly needed. It occurred to him that maybe it wouldn’t be quite as hard as he thought, just so long as he kept in mind all of Derek’s negative examples and was sure never to be indifferent to her. She needed someone who cared and was persistent when it came to her well being, because she was one of those people who tended not to take very good care of herself, despite the fact that professionally she saved lives. It seemed to Mark that she was the one in need of some saving, especially after what he had just revealed to her.
Mark couldn’t lie and say that he didn’t feel the least bit angry that Addison had aborted their child, but he could honestly say that she didn’t deserve the infertility that had been thrust upon her. She should have had more time. He had been telling the truth when he had assured her that her wishes on the matter trumped his desires, hands down. Being selfless was weird for Mark, and completely out of character, but when it came to Addison, he found himself wanting to be that man. He wanted to be better, and she was the only person that he had ever met who had that effect on him. It was incredible, really, that someone could inspire him so completely that he was motivated to be an entirely different person. He actually liked the person that he was when he was around Addison, which was probably why he had flown after her when she fled New York, and why he had followed her to Los Angeles. Without Addison, his life was pointless, and he was a terrible person, and worse still, he had no motivation to be a better person. He wasn’t one of those people who could just motivate himself to be a better person because it was the right thing to do, and that was probably one of his major faults. Addison probably deserved much better than he could offer. She deserved a wonderful man who had far less baggage than Mark himself brought to the equation, however on some level he still believed that he could be good for her. At the very least he was willing to try if she would have him. He only hoped that he wouldn’t break her again. She couldn’t stand to be broken again-if that happened, she might end up being to far gone to be saved. He couldn’t allow that to happen.
Eventually, Mark drifted off, pushing his concerns for the future out of his mind. In this moment, all that mattered was that he was with Addison and that she felt safe in his arms. She had felt comfortable enough with him to confide in him about a topic that was clearly painful for her, well, to be truthful, both of them, and he was not about to betray her trust. All he could do was be there for her and give her all of the support that he could. He had almost forgotten exactly how nice it was to lie in bed beside her, how perfectly their bodies fit together. As he fell asleep, he remembered how at first they had been physically awkward, because she was so tall, which in comparison made him seem short, because truth be told, he wasn’t really that tall, he just was just built, which made him seem more like a force to be reckoned with. The memories caused a smile to form on his face as he slipped into the most pleasant and restful slumber that he had experienced in a long time.
All Chapters
Rating: PG-13
Summary:Mark is left reeling after seeing Addison and Alex after their rendezvous. He only ever really loved Addison, but he never really had a chance...
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
When Addison awoke a couple of hours later, Mark was sitting beside her. The television was on softly, and though he was facing the screen, he wasn’t paying attention to the program that was on. When he felt her shift beside him, her turned to look at her, needing to know what she wasn’t telling him.
“Hey. How are you feeling?” He asked. She cleared her throat, grimacing.
“Okay,” she offered, her voice thick with sleep, “been better.”
“What was that all about, Addison? That was the worst I’ve ever seen it.” She groaned, dropping her head against the headboard.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Mark. Leave it be.”
“You were going to tell me, Ads, and you still are. I can’t let this go.”
“Mark…” she said, grabbing on to his shoulder desperately, starting to panic again.
“You’re okay, you can do this. Breathe,” he said supportively, pulling her against him and rubbing her back. Her body relaxed as she drew deep breaths, “good girl.” She pushed against his chest, sliding herself back.
“I can’t,” she paused, taking a deep breath, trying to stay calm, “I can’t get pregnant.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she held out a hand. “Physically, I can’t get pregnant. Ironic, isn’t it? I’m probably just getting what I deserve. It’s just...poetic, isn’t it?” she laughs bitterly.
“Addison…”
“No, don’t...don’t do that! You can’t be nice to me after that. You’re pissed at me, and you hate me because I killed our child. And now? Now my FSH levels are too high and my antral follicle count is two. Two! No fertility potential. At all.”
“Oh, Addie…” he wrapped his arms around her, and she struggled, trying to push him away, but he wouldn’t relent. Eventually the anger drained out of her body and was replaced by sobbing, she was finally allowing herself to feel. Mark knew that he had to be persistent, and most of the time she needed to feel secure in order to let herself acknowledge her pain, otherwise it would be likely to make her anxiety worse and she would have panic attacks. That was another reason he had stayed outside of her hotel room in Seattle-- he wanted to be there in case something like that should happen.
After a long while, Addison had once again tired herself out. Once she fell asleep, he carefully untangles himself from her long limbs to get her some water, knowing that she will need it when she wakes up. Ideally, it would have helped if she had drank it before she fell asleep, but she was too upset to let him leave to get the water, much less hold a glass steadily enough to drink from it. When she woke up she would probably feel sick and almost hung over from dehydration. Mark was filling a glass in the small suite’s kitchenette when her panicked voice rang out through the room.
“Mark?!” He shut off the water, moving quickly back to her side.
“I’m right here, Ads!” he called out in transit, handing the glass to her when he got there. Her body visibly relaxed when she saw him, and she worked to make her breathing return to normal and blink back the tears that had been gathering in her eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah…” she laughed nervously, “I just...I thought maybe that you left.” She looked down nervously, tracing her index finger around the rim of the glass. He put two fingers beneath her chin, tilting her face up to look her in the eye.
“I would never leave you, especially not knowing something like that could happen.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you for leaving...I mean, I killed our child without even talking to you and here I am complaining about how I can’t have a kid. God, I am such a bitch.” Mark forced himself to stay calm and his voice from breaking.
“It’s okay, Addison. You didn’t want to have a baby with me. I can’t blame you for that.”
“But you would’ve wanted one with me! I didn’t even consider that you might have been happy about it. I was too busy worrying about being on my own and raising a baby and I was being selfish. I didn’t give you a chance!”
“Ads, it’s in the past. What’s done is done.”
“So you are mad.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“Look, I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn’t wish you had kept the baby, but I’m not mad at you. You did what you felt you had to do, but I still feel horrible that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this.” She turned her attention to drinking the glass of water that he had given her while also fighting back tears. When she finished the water, she placed the glass on the table beside the bed, then slowly raised her eyes to meet his.
“What do I do now?” Mark wrapped his arms around her, letting her know that he would be strong for her so that she could break down.
“Let me hold you.”
After a long while, Addison fell asleep in Mark’s arms. Although he was still concerned about her, he was glad at least that he had been able to be there for her when she needed him. He had never been one of those people who were particularly intuitive, especially when it came to Addison, so he was glad that he was able to help her in any way possible, and comforting her was one of the things that he had most longed to do ever since he met her. He had never really been able to do that in the past because she wasn’t his-she belonged to Derek, and then after Derek left, Mark had felt so much guilt over his actions that he had been unable to be the man that he longed to be. That was why he had cheated on her in New York, among other reasons. He had been afraid to commit, but he also felt as though he had screwed up her life enough by causing her to really lose her husband for good. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had. He figured that his best defense would be to push her away by hurting her, which, as he thought back on it now, made no sense, because in trying to protect her from pain, he was merely inflicting a different kind of pain on her. At the time, he had thought that cheating on her would be painful in a much less significant way, and that would thus save her from being completely in love with him and having her heart broken just as it had been with Derek.
Looking down at the sleeping beauty who was safely encased in his arms, his heart melted just a little bit more. She looked so small, so vulnerable-which was clearly something that no one would have expected of the redheaded Amazon woman who stood at 5’10” even without the four-inch stilettos that she insisted on wearing. She was beautiful, and more beautiful, he thought, in this moment than she had ever been before. She looked so much younger as she lay in his arms; her body was completely relaxed for the first time that he could remember in recent history, even in sleep. He liked to think that it was because he was there for her, he was able to make her feel completely protected and at ease, which was something that he never thought he would be able to provide for anyone. He had always thought that inevitably he would end up like his sad excuse for a father, thus being the one to cause others pain, not relieve it. He had gone into medicine in order escape his father’s legacy, but the fact that he had gone into plastics and continued to be a man-whore had voided his attempt as Addison herself had said on many occasions. He thought maybe he was growing up after all, maybe she was just the woman that he needed to turn his life around, and that everything would be okay in the end. He only hoped that he could provide her with everything that she possibly needed. It occurred to him that maybe it wouldn’t be quite as hard as he thought, just so long as he kept in mind all of Derek’s negative examples and was sure never to be indifferent to her. She needed someone who cared and was persistent when it came to her well being, because she was one of those people who tended not to take very good care of herself, despite the fact that professionally she saved lives. It seemed to Mark that she was the one in need of some saving, especially after what he had just revealed to her.
Mark couldn’t lie and say that he didn’t feel the least bit angry that Addison had aborted their child, but he could honestly say that she didn’t deserve the infertility that had been thrust upon her. She should have had more time. He had been telling the truth when he had assured her that her wishes on the matter trumped his desires, hands down. Being selfless was weird for Mark, and completely out of character, but when it came to Addison, he found himself wanting to be that man. He wanted to be better, and she was the only person that he had ever met who had that effect on him. It was incredible, really, that someone could inspire him so completely that he was motivated to be an entirely different person. He actually liked the person that he was when he was around Addison, which was probably why he had flown after her when she fled New York, and why he had followed her to Los Angeles. Without Addison, his life was pointless, and he was a terrible person, and worse still, he had no motivation to be a better person. He wasn’t one of those people who could just motivate himself to be a better person because it was the right thing to do, and that was probably one of his major faults. Addison probably deserved much better than he could offer. She deserved a wonderful man who had far less baggage than Mark himself brought to the equation, however on some level he still believed that he could be good for her. At the very least he was willing to try if she would have him. He only hoped that he wouldn’t break her again. She couldn’t stand to be broken again-if that happened, she might end up being to far gone to be saved. He couldn’t allow that to happen.
Eventually, Mark drifted off, pushing his concerns for the future out of his mind. In this moment, all that mattered was that he was with Addison and that she felt safe in his arms. She had felt comfortable enough with him to confide in him about a topic that was clearly painful for her, well, to be truthful, both of them, and he was not about to betray her trust. All he could do was be there for her and give her all of the support that he could. He had almost forgotten exactly how nice it was to lie in bed beside her, how perfectly their bodies fit together. As he fell asleep, he remembered how at first they had been physically awkward, because she was so tall, which in comparison made him seem short, because truth be told, he wasn’t really that tall, he just was just built, which made him seem more like a force to be reckoned with. The memories caused a smile to form on his face as he slipped into the most pleasant and restful slumber that he had experienced in a long time.
All Chapters