Replaced By Everyday - Part 5
Title: Replaced By Everyday (5/?)
Author: scatteroflight
Rating: M (for later chapters)
Summary: Meredith and Derek cope with the challenges of marriage and family. Season 4 future fic.
“Look at this,” Meredith said, her tone awed, as she flipped through yet another of the many pregnancy books supplied by Izzie in the last month. She passed the book over to Derek, who glanced at the page she’d left open.
“Did you skip this in med school?” he teased her, looking at the pictures of the developing fetus.
“I wasn’t interested in obstetrics,” she retorted.
Derek laughed at her before passing the book back. Meredith’s first ultrasound was scheduled for the following morning and she was trying to prepare herself for what to expect. Between work, Derek’s mom’s visit and the difficulty of re-booking an appointment with one of the busiest obstetricians in Seattle, Meredith was overdue for the procedure, but pointed out to Derek that they’d definitely be able to determine whether they were having a boy or a girl.
He settled in bed beside her and read over her shoulder while she continued browsing through the book.
“Did you call your mom back?” Meredith asked, her eyes fixed on the page ahead of her.
“Yes. She wanted to know if we’d finished the house since she left,” he replied. “I swear, the two of you are ganging up on me!”
Meredith chuckled. “We’re not,” she said. She set the book down on the nightstand and rolled towards him. “Did you tell her that we’re finally seeing the doctor tomorrow?”
“Yes. She’s excited. She wants copies of the ultrasound pictures.”
Meredith shook her head. “If I know you, every person in your e-mail address book will get a copy.”
Derek grinned and reached over to turn out the light; Meredith snuggled against him in the dark and closed her eyes, and he pressed his hands against her rapidly growing baby bump. Even though they hadn’t found time to do the ultrasound, Meredith was fairly certain that she’d already entered the second trimester; her expanding body was exhibit A.
“Derek?” she asked, covering his hands with hers.
“Hmmm?”
“Do you think we’re having a boy or a girl?”
He laughed. “It doesn’t matter, Mer.”
“I didn’t ask if it mattered,” she retorted. “I asked you to guess.”
“A girl,” he said.
“So you haven’t changed your answer?”
She could feel him vibrate with laughter. “No. Girl.”
“Care to make this interesting?” she teased him.
“You want to wager on our unborn child?” he asked, pretending to be aghast.
She snickered. “Well, I have a fifty-fifty chance, right?” she reasoned.
“Okay, you’re on. How much do you want to bet?”
“Fifty bucks?” she suggested.
“Oh, come on. You can do better than that.”
“A hundred?”
“How about a free pass for sex after the baby is born and you’ve recovered?”
Meredith snorted in response. “Is this like a get out of jail free card?” she asked. “Because I always assumed that you wouldn’t be getting any sex for a long time after I squeeze your child out.”
“Meredith,” he whined.
“What do I get?” she asked him.
“Sex with me, duh!” he retorted.
“Oh, come on. You can do better than that.”
“Hey!”
You’re going to have to sweeten the pot,” she advised him.
“I’m hurt.”
“Come on, Derek,” she provoked him. “Make me an offer I can’t refuse.”
His hands left her belly and began to explore her newly developed curves, and Meredith was forced to accept his initial offer.
***
“I’m glad that you two finally made it in,” Dr. Briscombe greeted them, entering the small exam room and flipping open Meredith’s chart. “Okay, so we’ll get started on the ultrasound right away, but I want to run a couple of tests, so we may as well get that out of the way first.”
“AFP?” Derek inquired, reaching over to put his hand on Meredith’s knee.
Dr. Briscombe nodded. “Yes, among others. So I’m just going to draw some blood and send it off to the lab, and then we’ll get to the fun part. Introducing you to your baby. How does that sound?”
“Wonderful,” Derek grinned. Meredith nodded her agreement and waited while Dr. Briscombe drew her blood. A few minutes later, she was reclining on the exam table and Dr. Briscombe reached for the gel to spread over her abdomen. However, before she could get started, Derek was paged. Frowning, he unclipped the device from his jeans and glanced at it.
“Oh, you’re kidding me!”
Meredith arched an eyebrow. “Derek?”
“It’s a 911. I have to go. I’m the only available neuro attending.” He looked like he might cry or throw something. Either way, he was not happy about the news.
Meredith frowned and glanced up at Dr. Briscombe, then back at Derek. “I really don’t want to do this without you,” she said.
He sighed. “I know. I want to be here, too.”
Meredith bit her lip. “I know your schedule is really busy,” she said to Dr. Briscombe. “But…”
The doctor smiled sympathetically. “You might be in luck. I have a cancellation next week. If it works with your schedules…”
“I’ll make it work,” Derek said with determination. Meredith hesitated. “I’ll make it work,” Derek insisted, locking eyes with her.
Meredith nodded. “Okay. Yeah. I’d rather do it then. I’m so sorry for taking up so much of your time today,” she apologized to Dr. Briscombe.
She waved it off. “I understand, Meredith. Okay, just make sure to let Kelly know before you leave and I’ll see you next week?”
Meredith and Derek nodded and thanked her again, and then she was gone. Meredith sat up and slid off the exam table, and hurriedly got dressed. They’d come to the office in the same car and because she wasn’t scheduled at work, she told Derek that she’d just take the car home and pick him up later. He drove to the hospital, tense and annoyed that he’d been called in instead of seeing his unborn child. When he parked, Meredith reached over and massaged his shoulder.
“It’s only a week,” she said.
“We’ve pushed it back so much already. You’re going to be in labour by the time we manage to make it to the ultrasound,” he grumbled.
Meredith laughed and leaned over to press her lips to his.
“Next week,” she promised. “Barring natural disasters, of course.”
Derek rolled his eyes. “I’m not holding my breath.”
***
Though their next appointment wasn’t scheduled until the following Thursday, Dr.Briscombe’s receptionist left them a message on Monday morning, asking them to return to the office that afternoon, if they were available. Meredith called Derek immediately upon listening to the recording. He was in surgery, so she made her way to the hospital and hovered outside the O.R. until he was finished and had entered the scrub room.
He frowned when she relayed the information to him, but said little.
“Well?” she pressed.
“Well, what?”
“Something’s wrong.”
“Meredith…”
She shook her head. “No. Don’t tell me that I’m being crazy. Something’s wrong.”
“Maybe she’s just had another cancellation and thought that we might like to come in sooner rather than later,” he reasoned. “We weren’t happy about having to leave the other day.”
“No, we weren’t,” Meredith agreed. “But Derek, we’re doctors… you know that if she wants us to return right away…”
“Stop it,” he urged her. “Don’t do this to yourself, Mer. Don’t get yourself all worked up over nothing.”
“You don’t know that it’s nothing,” she argued, wishing that he’d hurry up with his methodical scrubbing. Finally, he reached for the paper towel, dried his hands and deposited the used towel in the wastebasket.
“Meredith,” he sighed. He pulled her close to him and tightened his grip around her. “Don’t worry,” he whispered into her hair.
“Easy for you to say,” she retorted.
Derek didn’t respond. Instead, he released her. “Do you want to go now?” he asked. “We’ll go and put your mind at ease, okay?”
She hesitated, torn between wanting to know and needing to remain oblivious.
“Okay,” she agreed. “Let’s go.”
Derek didn’t bother changing. Instead, they ventured down the block to the professional building that housed Dr. Briscombe’s practice. In the waiting room, they found Paula and her children again waiting for her next appointment.
“Hi!” Aidan greeted them enthusiastically, tumbling out of his mother’s arms and racing over to Derek.
“Hi, buddy,” Derek greeted him. Meredith frowned and made her way over to the reception desk wordlessly.
She joined Derek back in the reception area and forced a smile on to her face when Paula smiled at her.
“I’m early,” Paula said. “My appointment isn’t for another half an hour, but I wasn’t going to take my chances with these two and Seattle public transportation.”
“Yeah,” Meredith said softly.
Paula shook her head. “It was so much easier before,” she said wistfully. “But then… everything was.”
“Oh?” Meredith responded, not really paying much attention.
Paula made a strange, strangled noise and reached into her purse, pulling out a waded up Kleenex. “Jon… their father… he left. Poof. Just like that.” She sniffled into the tissue and shook her head again. “I’m sorry. This really isn’t your problem.”
“I’m sorry,” Meredith said softly, momentarily distracted from her own worries.
Paula shrugged. “It’s okay. It’s just that my family isn’t here and soon I’ll have three of them. I never imagined that this is where my life would be, you know?”
Meredith nodded. “Yeah.”
A moment later, the receptionist called Meredith’s name again and Meredith smiled apologetically at Paula.
“It’s okay,” the mother said. “It’ll just give me some more time to sit here and figure out what I’m going to do.”
Meredith got to her feet and Derek followed her down the hall to the exam room. When they were alone, she paced the small space.
“Mer, stop,” he urged her.
She shook her head. “It never works out, does it? Paula - she’s all alone now, and something is wrong with our baby, and…”
“Stop.”
“Something’s wrong, Derek,” she insisted. “I can feel it.”
He sighed. “Meredith, you always think the worst. Look at us,” he said. “You were so sure that we couldn’t work out because that’s not how things worked for you. You thought that you were cursed and that people around you fell victim to that curse, but here we are. We’re together and we’re happy and we have this baby on the way, and it’s fine, Meredith. It’s good. Great, even.”
She shook her head. “You’re so optimistic. How?”
He shrugged. “Why look for trouble that isn’t there?”
The door opened and Meredith stopped pacing. Dr. Briscombe stepped into the room, and greeted them as warmly as ever.
“Why’d you ask us to come early?” Meredith blurted out.
“Meredith, why don’t you take a seat?” Dr. Briscombe suggested.
Meredith turned to her husband, her eyes filled with panic.
“Mer,” he said soothingly. He motioned to a seat next to his.
“Shouldn’t I be changing for the ultrasound?” Meredith asked, her green eyes darkening. “They didn’t bring me a gown.”
“I wanted to talk to you first,” Dr. Briscombe said. “I got the results of your tests back and I’m seeing something that concerns me.”
Meredith reached over and gripped Derek’s hand in hers, digging her nails into the palm of his hand.
“Your AFP levels are elevated,” she said. “That generally means that the fetus is producing an excess amount.”
“Baby,” Meredith whispered.
Dr. Briscombe frowned. “I’m sorry?”
“Baby. You said fetus. Baby. Unless… unless… the fetus isn’t viable.”
Beside her, Derek flinched and squeezed her head before he spoke. “Mer, come on. It’s the correct terminology. You know that.”
“No,” Meredith said, shaking her head. “No. It’s my baby. It’s our baby, Derek. That’s how we’ve been referring to it since we found out. Our son, or our daughter. Our baby, Derek.”
“I’d like to do your ultrasound today,” Dr. Briscombe continued when Meredith had finished speaking. “I have some concerns about the development, and this should help to rule out any abnormalities. But I thought that I should be upfront with the two of you about what I’d seen on the tests.” She stood. “I’ll have Kelly bring you a gown,” she said.
“Dr. Briscombe, can I speak to you for a moment?” Derek asked as she moved to leave the room.
She nodded mutely and he leaned over and kissed Meredith, whispering a few soothing words and promising that he’d be right back before he followed the obstetrician out into the hall.
She led him down the hall to her office and offered him a seat, but he remained standing.
“Do you think it’s a neural tube defect?” he asked, point blank.
Dr. Briscombe hesitated. “Derek, I don’t want to make a diagnosis until I do the ultrasound. Furthermore, technically, you are not my patient. Your wife is, as is your unborn child. It would be unethical of me to talk to you at this juncture.”
“Oh, come on,” he said, running his hands through his hair impatiently. “We’re all professionals here. I’m going to be in the room during the ultrasound. Let’s just stop dancing around this, okay?”
Dr. Briscombe sighed. “Derek, why don’t you go check on Meredith? I’m sure she could use you right now. Most assuredly if she’s coming to the same conclusions that you are.”
She swept past him, leaving him alone in the office. Derek swallowed thickly and then made his way back to the exam room. He knocked softly and upon Meredith’s answer, he re-entered the room. She was sitting on the exam table wearing just the thin cotton gown and her socks and her eyes were red-rimmed and haunted.
“Mer,” he whispered.
“I told you,” she said, shaking her head over and over again. “I told you.”
“We don’t know anything,” he tried, even though his heart wasn’t really in it. He pushed himself up onto the exam table beside her and drew her into his arms. She clutched at his t-shirt and buried her face against his shoulder, her breathing laboured.
A moment later, Dr. Briscombe re-entered the room.
“How are you two doing?” she asked gently.
“Just get it over,” Meredith muttered. She pulled back from Derek. “Please. Just tell us.”
Dr. Briscombe nodded and started preparing for the ultrasound. When she spread the gel over Meredith’s abdomen, Meredith barely reacted, staring up at the ceiling blankly. Derek hovered at her side and he took her hand in his, winding their fingers together.
“Okay,” Dr. Briscombe said. She moved the wand over the uterus and watched the screen intently. The 3-D picture proved to be very detailed, but a moment later, she frowned and rotated the screen away from them for a moment.
Derek stopped breathing, and Meredith, noticing this, began to cry softly.
“Okay,” Dr. Briscombe said gently. “Okay.”
“Doctor?” Derek choked out.
She just shook her head.
“I’d like to see it,” he rasped.
She hesitated.
“I’m a fucking neurosurgeon!” he said sharply. “I want to see it for myself.” Beside him, Meredith moaned and tried to sit up, struggling to escape.
“Mer,” he murmured, easing her back down. “Shhh.”
“No,” she said. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. You know it’s not.”
“Let me look,” he soothed her.
“I want to…”
“Mer, let me, okay? I can do this.”
She released his hand and he moved over to where Dr. Briscombe stood, frowning at the screen. He steeled himself and then his gaze swept over the scan, and he stared. Stared and stared; unbidden, he cursed.
“Derek?” Meredith urged him.
He closed his eyes, cutting off the view that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
“Derek?” Meredith said again, panic rising in her voice.
He just shook his head and moved back to her side, drawing her close. She clutched him and he stood, completely immobile as the world went black.
Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like that, but eventually Dr. Briscombe’s voice broke through the roar of noise in his head.
“I wanted to be sure; it’s not the easiest diagnosis to make…” she trailed off.
“Anencephaly,” Derek whispered, the word getting stuck in his throat. “Mer…”
“No, no, no.”
“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Briscombe said. She turned off the ultrasound machine and stepped back from them. “I’ll give the two of you some time alone.”
When she was gone, Meredith broke down completely, clutching her husband’s shirt, his skin, anything that would anchor her. She trembled violently and heaved convulsively until he scooped her into his lap and held her tightly, whispering her name over and over again into her hair.
They stayed in the small exam room for what seemed like forever, until Derek’s legs were numb and Meredith’s sobs had died down into quiet whimpers.
“Derek,” she hiccupped, looking up at him with her tear-stained face. “It’s over.”
He nodded silently and buried his face in her hair, needing to cry and scream and rage, but being unable and unwilling to do so when she was so fragile and devastated, he stayed where he was at.
“I can’t,” Meredith whispered. “I can’t. Please don’t ask me to.”
Derek closed his eyes, trying to remember how to breathe. It should come without thinking, an automated process, but his thoughts were so zeroed in on what he’d seen on that screen that everything else was secondary.
“I know,” he soothed her. “We don’t have to … nothing has to be…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish.
“She’s going to ask,” Meredith said in a broken voice. “She’ll need to know.”
“Not today,” Derek said stubbornly.
She continued to clutch his shirt, wrinkling the fabric in her fist and when the tears died away completely, Derek was forced to shift to alleviate the numbness in his leg.
“We need to go talk to her, Mer,” he said softly, terrified to set off her tears once again.
“Maybe… maybe it’s wrong?” she asked hopefully, refusing to look at him. He knew, and she knew that he knew.
“No, Mer,” he sighed, his throat tight with the emotion of denying what he wished were true.
“Oh, God.” There was a fresh onslaught of tears and he held her until she fell silent again.
“Mer…”
“I know,” she whispered. “I know. But Derek, you felt it. It moved, and how… how can it be…”
“Meredith…”
“I know.” She pushed off of his lap and tried to stand, but started to crumple before him. He moved quickly, holding her up and guiding her to chair again.
“I’ll go,” he volunteered. “I’ll let her know we’re ready.”
“Derek…”
“I’ll be right back,” he promised her. Then he left her momentarily while he spoke to the receptionist. In the lobby, Paula smiled at him, but he couldn’t manage to return it. Instead, he looked down at the floor, noticing the remnants of sticky lollipops and tiny, muddy boots imprinted in the worn carpet. It undid him completely and the room started to tilt and sway and he had to reach out to the desk in front of him to keep from collapsing.
“Dr. Shepherd?” came Paula’s voice. Derek shook his head violently, then pitched forward and emptied the contents of his stomach all over the carpet.
There was a lot of commotion, but he was only peripherally aware of it as he was guided to a waiting room chair and Kelly the receptionist called maintenance. She pressed a cool cloth to his forehead and found Dr. Briscombe in her office.
Eventually, he was able to move from the waiting room to her office, where she’d already guided Meredith, who sat looking tiny and worn. She worried her wedding ring, around and around her finger and when he sat beside her, she leaned into him.
He tried to absorb her warmth, at least, but found that he was unable to do so, and sat shivering while Dr. Briscombe gently spoke to them, confirming the diagnosis, grimly relating the hopeless statistics, and relating their options to them. It was futile: their baby’s brain had failed to develop and its chances of survival outside the womb were non-existent.
Dr. Briscombe handed Derek a stack of leaflets. “I know it’s early and you’re both still in shock,” she said. “But there are some very good support groups in Seattle for parents of anencephalic children. I’ve also given you a referral to a psychologist who deals primarily in these cases. I don’t want to pressure the two of you, but when you have decided how you want to proceed, please just give Kelly a call and I’ll meet with you whenever you’re ready.”
The words barely registered with Derek, and Meredith shrunk away further, and he knew without asking that she had shut down completely.
“If you have any questions, please ask.”
Derek stared straight ahead, and then shook himself out of a stupor, clearing his throat.
“Uh, I… we …” he glanced at his wife. “How far along was the pregnancy?”
“About fifteen or sixteen weeks, I’d guess.”
“Stupid!” Meredith said, the first word she’d spoken since they’d entered Dr. Briscombe’s office.
Derek turned to her. “Mer?”
She shook her head. “I should have come sooner. It was stupid. Irresponsible.”
“Meredith,” Dr. Briscombe said gently. “Neural tube defects happen somewhere between the twenty-third and twenty-sixth day of pregnancy. There was simply no way for you to prevent this.”
“Folic acid,” Meredith spat. “I should have… I knew… I was stupid not to …”
“Mer,” Derek said. “You didn’t know. We didn’t know you were pregnant. We didn’t expect it to happen so soon. We weren’t even really trying yet.”
She closed her eyes and shook her head repeatedly.
“Folic acid can certainly help, but it’s not proven to be one hundred percent effective,” Dr. Briscombe said. “This is just one of those things…”
“It’s not!” Meredith said, her eyes flying open. “It’s not one of those fucking things. It’s my thing! It’s my baby! I knew. I knew it, damn it. I knew.”
The sound of her voice tore at Derek’s heart and he reached out to her again, pulling her against him more tightly.
“What…” Meredith began before stopping. “What…”
“Meredith?”
“Were we having a boy or a girl?” she asked, her voice rising in pitch at the end.
Dr. Briscombe frowned, hesitated, and looked toward Derek for confirmation. He nodded. Either way, they had to know.
“A girl,” she said softly.
“Oh,” Meredith said. “Oh. Derek… you … oh, I’m so sorry.” She dissolved into tears again.
Dr. Briscombe offered her condolences again and quietly left the room.
It took some time for them to be able to function enough to gather their things and leave, but finally, Derek had Meredith on her feet and he was able to move his own feet forward one at a time, through the door and out into the lobby. Paula was being led down the hall as they left and her eyes filled with tears as the couple passed. She shepherded her children ahead of her and smiled sadly at them as they followed their separate paths.
Author: scatteroflight
Rating: M (for later chapters)
Summary: Meredith and Derek cope with the challenges of marriage and family. Season 4 future fic.
“Look at this,” Meredith said, her tone awed, as she flipped through yet another of the many pregnancy books supplied by Izzie in the last month. She passed the book over to Derek, who glanced at the page she’d left open.
“Did you skip this in med school?” he teased her, looking at the pictures of the developing fetus.
“I wasn’t interested in obstetrics,” she retorted.
Derek laughed at her before passing the book back. Meredith’s first ultrasound was scheduled for the following morning and she was trying to prepare herself for what to expect. Between work, Derek’s mom’s visit and the difficulty of re-booking an appointment with one of the busiest obstetricians in Seattle, Meredith was overdue for the procedure, but pointed out to Derek that they’d definitely be able to determine whether they were having a boy or a girl.
He settled in bed beside her and read over her shoulder while she continued browsing through the book.
“Did you call your mom back?” Meredith asked, her eyes fixed on the page ahead of her.
“Yes. She wanted to know if we’d finished the house since she left,” he replied. “I swear, the two of you are ganging up on me!”
Meredith chuckled. “We’re not,” she said. She set the book down on the nightstand and rolled towards him. “Did you tell her that we’re finally seeing the doctor tomorrow?”
“Yes. She’s excited. She wants copies of the ultrasound pictures.”
Meredith shook her head. “If I know you, every person in your e-mail address book will get a copy.”
Derek grinned and reached over to turn out the light; Meredith snuggled against him in the dark and closed her eyes, and he pressed his hands against her rapidly growing baby bump. Even though they hadn’t found time to do the ultrasound, Meredith was fairly certain that she’d already entered the second trimester; her expanding body was exhibit A.
“Derek?” she asked, covering his hands with hers.
“Hmmm?”
“Do you think we’re having a boy or a girl?”
He laughed. “It doesn’t matter, Mer.”
“I didn’t ask if it mattered,” she retorted. “I asked you to guess.”
“A girl,” he said.
“So you haven’t changed your answer?”
She could feel him vibrate with laughter. “No. Girl.”
“Care to make this interesting?” she teased him.
“You want to wager on our unborn child?” he asked, pretending to be aghast.
She snickered. “Well, I have a fifty-fifty chance, right?” she reasoned.
“Okay, you’re on. How much do you want to bet?”
“Fifty bucks?” she suggested.
“Oh, come on. You can do better than that.”
“A hundred?”
“How about a free pass for sex after the baby is born and you’ve recovered?”
Meredith snorted in response. “Is this like a get out of jail free card?” she asked. “Because I always assumed that you wouldn’t be getting any sex for a long time after I squeeze your child out.”
“Meredith,” he whined.
“What do I get?” she asked him.
“Sex with me, duh!” he retorted.
“Oh, come on. You can do better than that.”
“Hey!”
You’re going to have to sweeten the pot,” she advised him.
“I’m hurt.”
“Come on, Derek,” she provoked him. “Make me an offer I can’t refuse.”
His hands left her belly and began to explore her newly developed curves, and Meredith was forced to accept his initial offer.
***
“I’m glad that you two finally made it in,” Dr. Briscombe greeted them, entering the small exam room and flipping open Meredith’s chart. “Okay, so we’ll get started on the ultrasound right away, but I want to run a couple of tests, so we may as well get that out of the way first.”
“AFP?” Derek inquired, reaching over to put his hand on Meredith’s knee.
Dr. Briscombe nodded. “Yes, among others. So I’m just going to draw some blood and send it off to the lab, and then we’ll get to the fun part. Introducing you to your baby. How does that sound?”
“Wonderful,” Derek grinned. Meredith nodded her agreement and waited while Dr. Briscombe drew her blood. A few minutes later, she was reclining on the exam table and Dr. Briscombe reached for the gel to spread over her abdomen. However, before she could get started, Derek was paged. Frowning, he unclipped the device from his jeans and glanced at it.
“Oh, you’re kidding me!”
Meredith arched an eyebrow. “Derek?”
“It’s a 911. I have to go. I’m the only available neuro attending.” He looked like he might cry or throw something. Either way, he was not happy about the news.
Meredith frowned and glanced up at Dr. Briscombe, then back at Derek. “I really don’t want to do this without you,” she said.
He sighed. “I know. I want to be here, too.”
Meredith bit her lip. “I know your schedule is really busy,” she said to Dr. Briscombe. “But…”
The doctor smiled sympathetically. “You might be in luck. I have a cancellation next week. If it works with your schedules…”
“I’ll make it work,” Derek said with determination. Meredith hesitated. “I’ll make it work,” Derek insisted, locking eyes with her.
Meredith nodded. “Okay. Yeah. I’d rather do it then. I’m so sorry for taking up so much of your time today,” she apologized to Dr. Briscombe.
She waved it off. “I understand, Meredith. Okay, just make sure to let Kelly know before you leave and I’ll see you next week?”
Meredith and Derek nodded and thanked her again, and then she was gone. Meredith sat up and slid off the exam table, and hurriedly got dressed. They’d come to the office in the same car and because she wasn’t scheduled at work, she told Derek that she’d just take the car home and pick him up later. He drove to the hospital, tense and annoyed that he’d been called in instead of seeing his unborn child. When he parked, Meredith reached over and massaged his shoulder.
“It’s only a week,” she said.
“We’ve pushed it back so much already. You’re going to be in labour by the time we manage to make it to the ultrasound,” he grumbled.
Meredith laughed and leaned over to press her lips to his.
“Next week,” she promised. “Barring natural disasters, of course.”
Derek rolled his eyes. “I’m not holding my breath.”
***
Though their next appointment wasn’t scheduled until the following Thursday, Dr.Briscombe’s receptionist left them a message on Monday morning, asking them to return to the office that afternoon, if they were available. Meredith called Derek immediately upon listening to the recording. He was in surgery, so she made her way to the hospital and hovered outside the O.R. until he was finished and had entered the scrub room.
He frowned when she relayed the information to him, but said little.
“Well?” she pressed.
“Well, what?”
“Something’s wrong.”
“Meredith…”
She shook her head. “No. Don’t tell me that I’m being crazy. Something’s wrong.”
“Maybe she’s just had another cancellation and thought that we might like to come in sooner rather than later,” he reasoned. “We weren’t happy about having to leave the other day.”
“No, we weren’t,” Meredith agreed. “But Derek, we’re doctors… you know that if she wants us to return right away…”
“Stop it,” he urged her. “Don’t do this to yourself, Mer. Don’t get yourself all worked up over nothing.”
“You don’t know that it’s nothing,” she argued, wishing that he’d hurry up with his methodical scrubbing. Finally, he reached for the paper towel, dried his hands and deposited the used towel in the wastebasket.
“Meredith,” he sighed. He pulled her close to him and tightened his grip around her. “Don’t worry,” he whispered into her hair.
“Easy for you to say,” she retorted.
Derek didn’t respond. Instead, he released her. “Do you want to go now?” he asked. “We’ll go and put your mind at ease, okay?”
She hesitated, torn between wanting to know and needing to remain oblivious.
“Okay,” she agreed. “Let’s go.”
Derek didn’t bother changing. Instead, they ventured down the block to the professional building that housed Dr. Briscombe’s practice. In the waiting room, they found Paula and her children again waiting for her next appointment.
“Hi!” Aidan greeted them enthusiastically, tumbling out of his mother’s arms and racing over to Derek.
“Hi, buddy,” Derek greeted him. Meredith frowned and made her way over to the reception desk wordlessly.
She joined Derek back in the reception area and forced a smile on to her face when Paula smiled at her.
“I’m early,” Paula said. “My appointment isn’t for another half an hour, but I wasn’t going to take my chances with these two and Seattle public transportation.”
“Yeah,” Meredith said softly.
Paula shook her head. “It was so much easier before,” she said wistfully. “But then… everything was.”
“Oh?” Meredith responded, not really paying much attention.
Paula made a strange, strangled noise and reached into her purse, pulling out a waded up Kleenex. “Jon… their father… he left. Poof. Just like that.” She sniffled into the tissue and shook her head again. “I’m sorry. This really isn’t your problem.”
“I’m sorry,” Meredith said softly, momentarily distracted from her own worries.
Paula shrugged. “It’s okay. It’s just that my family isn’t here and soon I’ll have three of them. I never imagined that this is where my life would be, you know?”
Meredith nodded. “Yeah.”
A moment later, the receptionist called Meredith’s name again and Meredith smiled apologetically at Paula.
“It’s okay,” the mother said. “It’ll just give me some more time to sit here and figure out what I’m going to do.”
Meredith got to her feet and Derek followed her down the hall to the exam room. When they were alone, she paced the small space.
“Mer, stop,” he urged her.
She shook her head. “It never works out, does it? Paula - she’s all alone now, and something is wrong with our baby, and…”
“Stop.”
“Something’s wrong, Derek,” she insisted. “I can feel it.”
He sighed. “Meredith, you always think the worst. Look at us,” he said. “You were so sure that we couldn’t work out because that’s not how things worked for you. You thought that you were cursed and that people around you fell victim to that curse, but here we are. We’re together and we’re happy and we have this baby on the way, and it’s fine, Meredith. It’s good. Great, even.”
She shook her head. “You’re so optimistic. How?”
He shrugged. “Why look for trouble that isn’t there?”
The door opened and Meredith stopped pacing. Dr. Briscombe stepped into the room, and greeted them as warmly as ever.
“Why’d you ask us to come early?” Meredith blurted out.
“Meredith, why don’t you take a seat?” Dr. Briscombe suggested.
Meredith turned to her husband, her eyes filled with panic.
“Mer,” he said soothingly. He motioned to a seat next to his.
“Shouldn’t I be changing for the ultrasound?” Meredith asked, her green eyes darkening. “They didn’t bring me a gown.”
“I wanted to talk to you first,” Dr. Briscombe said. “I got the results of your tests back and I’m seeing something that concerns me.”
Meredith reached over and gripped Derek’s hand in hers, digging her nails into the palm of his hand.
“Your AFP levels are elevated,” she said. “That generally means that the fetus is producing an excess amount.”
“Baby,” Meredith whispered.
Dr. Briscombe frowned. “I’m sorry?”
“Baby. You said fetus. Baby. Unless… unless… the fetus isn’t viable.”
Beside her, Derek flinched and squeezed her head before he spoke. “Mer, come on. It’s the correct terminology. You know that.”
“No,” Meredith said, shaking her head. “No. It’s my baby. It’s our baby, Derek. That’s how we’ve been referring to it since we found out. Our son, or our daughter. Our baby, Derek.”
“I’d like to do your ultrasound today,” Dr. Briscombe continued when Meredith had finished speaking. “I have some concerns about the development, and this should help to rule out any abnormalities. But I thought that I should be upfront with the two of you about what I’d seen on the tests.” She stood. “I’ll have Kelly bring you a gown,” she said.
“Dr. Briscombe, can I speak to you for a moment?” Derek asked as she moved to leave the room.
She nodded mutely and he leaned over and kissed Meredith, whispering a few soothing words and promising that he’d be right back before he followed the obstetrician out into the hall.
She led him down the hall to her office and offered him a seat, but he remained standing.
“Do you think it’s a neural tube defect?” he asked, point blank.
Dr. Briscombe hesitated. “Derek, I don’t want to make a diagnosis until I do the ultrasound. Furthermore, technically, you are not my patient. Your wife is, as is your unborn child. It would be unethical of me to talk to you at this juncture.”
“Oh, come on,” he said, running his hands through his hair impatiently. “We’re all professionals here. I’m going to be in the room during the ultrasound. Let’s just stop dancing around this, okay?”
Dr. Briscombe sighed. “Derek, why don’t you go check on Meredith? I’m sure she could use you right now. Most assuredly if she’s coming to the same conclusions that you are.”
She swept past him, leaving him alone in the office. Derek swallowed thickly and then made his way back to the exam room. He knocked softly and upon Meredith’s answer, he re-entered the room. She was sitting on the exam table wearing just the thin cotton gown and her socks and her eyes were red-rimmed and haunted.
“Mer,” he whispered.
“I told you,” she said, shaking her head over and over again. “I told you.”
“We don’t know anything,” he tried, even though his heart wasn’t really in it. He pushed himself up onto the exam table beside her and drew her into his arms. She clutched at his t-shirt and buried her face against his shoulder, her breathing laboured.
A moment later, Dr. Briscombe re-entered the room.
“How are you two doing?” she asked gently.
“Just get it over,” Meredith muttered. She pulled back from Derek. “Please. Just tell us.”
Dr. Briscombe nodded and started preparing for the ultrasound. When she spread the gel over Meredith’s abdomen, Meredith barely reacted, staring up at the ceiling blankly. Derek hovered at her side and he took her hand in his, winding their fingers together.
“Okay,” Dr. Briscombe said. She moved the wand over the uterus and watched the screen intently. The 3-D picture proved to be very detailed, but a moment later, she frowned and rotated the screen away from them for a moment.
Derek stopped breathing, and Meredith, noticing this, began to cry softly.
“Okay,” Dr. Briscombe said gently. “Okay.”
“Doctor?” Derek choked out.
She just shook her head.
“I’d like to see it,” he rasped.
She hesitated.
“I’m a fucking neurosurgeon!” he said sharply. “I want to see it for myself.” Beside him, Meredith moaned and tried to sit up, struggling to escape.
“Mer,” he murmured, easing her back down. “Shhh.”
“No,” she said. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. You know it’s not.”
“Let me look,” he soothed her.
“I want to…”
“Mer, let me, okay? I can do this.”
She released his hand and he moved over to where Dr. Briscombe stood, frowning at the screen. He steeled himself and then his gaze swept over the scan, and he stared. Stared and stared; unbidden, he cursed.
“Derek?” Meredith urged him.
He closed his eyes, cutting off the view that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
“Derek?” Meredith said again, panic rising in her voice.
He just shook his head and moved back to her side, drawing her close. She clutched him and he stood, completely immobile as the world went black.
Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like that, but eventually Dr. Briscombe’s voice broke through the roar of noise in his head.
“I wanted to be sure; it’s not the easiest diagnosis to make…” she trailed off.
“Anencephaly,” Derek whispered, the word getting stuck in his throat. “Mer…”
“No, no, no.”
“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Briscombe said. She turned off the ultrasound machine and stepped back from them. “I’ll give the two of you some time alone.”
When she was gone, Meredith broke down completely, clutching her husband’s shirt, his skin, anything that would anchor her. She trembled violently and heaved convulsively until he scooped her into his lap and held her tightly, whispering her name over and over again into her hair.
They stayed in the small exam room for what seemed like forever, until Derek’s legs were numb and Meredith’s sobs had died down into quiet whimpers.
“Derek,” she hiccupped, looking up at him with her tear-stained face. “It’s over.”
He nodded silently and buried his face in her hair, needing to cry and scream and rage, but being unable and unwilling to do so when she was so fragile and devastated, he stayed where he was at.
“I can’t,” Meredith whispered. “I can’t. Please don’t ask me to.”
Derek closed his eyes, trying to remember how to breathe. It should come without thinking, an automated process, but his thoughts were so zeroed in on what he’d seen on that screen that everything else was secondary.
“I know,” he soothed her. “We don’t have to … nothing has to be…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish.
“She’s going to ask,” Meredith said in a broken voice. “She’ll need to know.”
“Not today,” Derek said stubbornly.
She continued to clutch his shirt, wrinkling the fabric in her fist and when the tears died away completely, Derek was forced to shift to alleviate the numbness in his leg.
“We need to go talk to her, Mer,” he said softly, terrified to set off her tears once again.
“Maybe… maybe it’s wrong?” she asked hopefully, refusing to look at him. He knew, and she knew that he knew.
“No, Mer,” he sighed, his throat tight with the emotion of denying what he wished were true.
“Oh, God.” There was a fresh onslaught of tears and he held her until she fell silent again.
“Mer…”
“I know,” she whispered. “I know. But Derek, you felt it. It moved, and how… how can it be…”
“Meredith…”
“I know.” She pushed off of his lap and tried to stand, but started to crumple before him. He moved quickly, holding her up and guiding her to chair again.
“I’ll go,” he volunteered. “I’ll let her know we’re ready.”
“Derek…”
“I’ll be right back,” he promised her. Then he left her momentarily while he spoke to the receptionist. In the lobby, Paula smiled at him, but he couldn’t manage to return it. Instead, he looked down at the floor, noticing the remnants of sticky lollipops and tiny, muddy boots imprinted in the worn carpet. It undid him completely and the room started to tilt and sway and he had to reach out to the desk in front of him to keep from collapsing.
“Dr. Shepherd?” came Paula’s voice. Derek shook his head violently, then pitched forward and emptied the contents of his stomach all over the carpet.
There was a lot of commotion, but he was only peripherally aware of it as he was guided to a waiting room chair and Kelly the receptionist called maintenance. She pressed a cool cloth to his forehead and found Dr. Briscombe in her office.
Eventually, he was able to move from the waiting room to her office, where she’d already guided Meredith, who sat looking tiny and worn. She worried her wedding ring, around and around her finger and when he sat beside her, she leaned into him.
He tried to absorb her warmth, at least, but found that he was unable to do so, and sat shivering while Dr. Briscombe gently spoke to them, confirming the diagnosis, grimly relating the hopeless statistics, and relating their options to them. It was futile: their baby’s brain had failed to develop and its chances of survival outside the womb were non-existent.
Dr. Briscombe handed Derek a stack of leaflets. “I know it’s early and you’re both still in shock,” she said. “But there are some very good support groups in Seattle for parents of anencephalic children. I’ve also given you a referral to a psychologist who deals primarily in these cases. I don’t want to pressure the two of you, but when you have decided how you want to proceed, please just give Kelly a call and I’ll meet with you whenever you’re ready.”
The words barely registered with Derek, and Meredith shrunk away further, and he knew without asking that she had shut down completely.
“If you have any questions, please ask.”
Derek stared straight ahead, and then shook himself out of a stupor, clearing his throat.
“Uh, I… we …” he glanced at his wife. “How far along was the pregnancy?”
“About fifteen or sixteen weeks, I’d guess.”
“Stupid!” Meredith said, the first word she’d spoken since they’d entered Dr. Briscombe’s office.
Derek turned to her. “Mer?”
She shook her head. “I should have come sooner. It was stupid. Irresponsible.”
“Meredith,” Dr. Briscombe said gently. “Neural tube defects happen somewhere between the twenty-third and twenty-sixth day of pregnancy. There was simply no way for you to prevent this.”
“Folic acid,” Meredith spat. “I should have… I knew… I was stupid not to …”
“Mer,” Derek said. “You didn’t know. We didn’t know you were pregnant. We didn’t expect it to happen so soon. We weren’t even really trying yet.”
She closed her eyes and shook her head repeatedly.
“Folic acid can certainly help, but it’s not proven to be one hundred percent effective,” Dr. Briscombe said. “This is just one of those things…”
“It’s not!” Meredith said, her eyes flying open. “It’s not one of those fucking things. It’s my thing! It’s my baby! I knew. I knew it, damn it. I knew.”
The sound of her voice tore at Derek’s heart and he reached out to her again, pulling her against him more tightly.
“What…” Meredith began before stopping. “What…”
“Meredith?”
“Were we having a boy or a girl?” she asked, her voice rising in pitch at the end.
Dr. Briscombe frowned, hesitated, and looked toward Derek for confirmation. He nodded. Either way, they had to know.
“A girl,” she said softly.
“Oh,” Meredith said. “Oh. Derek… you … oh, I’m so sorry.” She dissolved into tears again.
Dr. Briscombe offered her condolences again and quietly left the room.
It took some time for them to be able to function enough to gather their things and leave, but finally, Derek had Meredith on her feet and he was able to move his own feet forward one at a time, through the door and out into the lobby. Paula was being led down the hall as they left and her eyes filled with tears as the couple passed. She shepherded her children ahead of her and smiled sadly at them as they followed their separate paths.