Postal Review
Most of you should be familiar, even if only in passing, with the Postal games. Games designed purely for people with rage issues to vent at little pixellated dudes in a variety of over the top ways. Nothing resembling serious plot or anything like that. In fact, the game had literally no plot at all. So, middle class American murder sim with no plot. Should be perfect for Uwe Boll right?
We open with a pair of young Arabs at the controls of a plane praising Allah. Wonderful. We’re 20 seconds in and warning bells are already sounding. It’s ok, maybe these men are just piloting a Saudi airliner or something? Nope, they’re arguing about how many virgins it’s acceptable to martyr yourself for. Unable to agree on the number, they call Osama who tells them that due to the high number of martyrs sacrificing themselves, he can’t guarantee they’ll get any virgins. They decide to go to the Bahamas instead, just as the passengers break down the door and start wrestling for the controls. Scene closes on a shot of an airliner smashing into a skyscraper…
Yeah, you read that right. 3 minutes into the film and Boll has successfully trolled everyone. Fucking marvellous. If I had someone else to blame for making me watch this I’d be beating them to death already, but I don’t so I’m really not sure what else to do right now.
Cut straight to the Paradise Winds Trailer Park to meet our protagonist, Mr…fucked if I know. He never actually gets named. Ever. Other people in this film get names, he does not. He is merely Random Dude (RD). So, RD is a LOSER! In the space of a minute we find out he’s unemployed, has a monster of a wife (If I had to guess, I'd say she's Shub-Niggurath in whale form), drinks expired milk, steps in dog poo outside his trailer, gets picked on by the park owner, and finds out said monster woman is sleeping with someone else. Ok, we get it, his life sucks. Nice of you to condense this all down for us Mr Boll, but a glance at the time tells me I still have over 90 minutes to get through, so my hopes for a half hour movie are cruelly dashed. In the next few minutes we find out there’s a terrorist cell in town planning something, and RD bombs out of a job interview. There’s a running theme here, and I think it’s “This dude sucks”.
Off to a hippie commune that houses a hippie apocalypse cult, where we meet Uncle Dave, their leader. A middle aged bum surrounded by incredibly dumb women, and OH GOD HE’S FLOPPING HIS DICK AT US!
Thanks Boll. Old dude wang. Just what I needed. Although, this movie is basically Boll waving his dick at the viewer anyway so I guess it fits. Seriously. The next few scenes are Boll just fucking with us-the cult is short on cash and planning to steal dolls, some cops have rant at an old Asian lady at the traffic lights about how they “eat dogs and steal jobs”, then shoots her in the head with a shotgun, and RD goes to a coffee shop to watch the barista shout at people who can’t make up their minds…
Yeah. This movie is basically “Internet Troll, The Movie”. Fucking fantastic. That’s all it is. There’s a plot about how Dave and RD are going to steal the dolls, and Al Qaeda wants the dolls so they can give avian flu to the kids, but it’s pretty much lost amongst the background of random stuff Boll latched onto and thought would be funny to film.
Anyway, off to RD at the unemployment office! Somebody shouts about forms, then steals a gun and a random high casualty shootout ensues. Back to the trailer park to see…the caravan rocking, and I never really wanted to see a monster have sex with the park owner. Or hear sloppy sounds. Fantastic. They start coating each other with flour as I contemplate a monastic hermit’s life somewhere. Because fucking hell, thanks to Boll I no longer have a desire to have sex. Ever. Or ever even look upon another human being. You know what, when I meet the man I’ll beat him to death with his own severed wang for this.
Meanwhile, RD shoots a mugger with his own gun, and gets in on Dave’s plan of doll theft. It’s all downhill from here, as everything comes together in an orgy of violence in Little Germany. The Arabs and the hippies meet in a glorious battle for dolls, and it’s a random sideshow which provides this movie’s only funny moment. Boll himself turns up, as himself, giving an interview about his movies in which he admits that he funds his films with Nazi gold, gets into a fight with the guy who made the Postal games, gets shot in the balls and dies proclaiming “I hate video games”. I have to admit, that was actually clever.
The rest, not so much. The scene which started a bit randomly descends into a slow motion orgy of child killing. Apparently the rest of this shit-fest wasn’t offensive enough to anyone with the remotest shred of decency, so bring on the hordes of gut-shot children!
Remember when I said this was “Internet Troll: The Movie”? That’s basically it. The plot descends into a farce as a midget gets raped to death by chimps, RD manages to piss off everyone and then kill them alongside the barista, and to cap it all off, George Bush mistakes the reports of a fire-fight in the town as a nuclear attack and annihilates India and China. China responds in kind, and we close on Bush and Osama skipping through a field hand in hand as the bombs go off.
That’s it. This movie is just a pile of shitty internet memes and troll conspiracy theories, packaged around a wafer thin excuse for plot and random scenes calculated to offend as many people as possible. It’s just so completely pointless it’s painful.
You’ll notice I haven’t done my usual routine of picking on specific actors or themes. That’s because this movie has neither. It’s a pointless, indulgent exercise in finding out what can be committed to film without getting someone shot. I can’t even rate this tripe as a movie because it just doesn’t feel like anything remotely resembling a film. The best I can close with is Dave’s line upon witnessing the midget getting violated by monkeys-“All in all, this has not been a pleasant day”.