thank you
this is gonna sound weird and stupid and like complete bullshit but i dont really care what anyone else thinks at this point.
yesterday was a really really ruff day. between my symptoms going completely haywire the last few days and dealing with my insurance and doctors and having to deal with all the pain and stress alone, its just fucking hard. im always so strong and positive about it but i just really cant handle it anymore. currently my left hand and part of my arm is numb. its been that way for nearly a month now. i thought it was getting better at a point but thats when it spread up through my arm. my feet started to numb out on me again yesterday. my neck and the joints in my hand feel tense and stiff. and i've had a headache in the front right side of my brain this entire time. every now and then i get visual symptoms and might see sparkling in my peripheral vision or ill see a glowing white dots float by for half a second. i feel like im only seeing out of my left eye but if i close it i can still see out of my right eye perfectly.
I dont know how most people would deal with this. most people probably read that and say "fuck that!" well i dont have a choice. and i cant fucking fix it, there is no fixing this. and the only thing i get to look foward to is it getting progressively worse. i have an MRI scheduled for next week and all i can think is its not like im going in there to have the doctor say "well this is looking better.", im going in there to have the doctor say "and this is how much worse the scaring has gotten since your last MRI." nothing positive comes from this. I was watching TV the other day and some show came on with a girl that had MS. she was a quadriplegic and had lost her ability to speak, she was also slowly going blind. worst of all her mind was intact so she was fully aware of all of it. is that what i get to look foward to? I'd rather be fucking dead.
reading all of that, how can people expect me to stay positive about this all the time. i do a pretty damn good job at it, rarely frustration over my symptoms may come through, but sometimes im just going to sit and scream and cry. am i not aloud to do that?! yesterday it started the moment i got home and got out of my car. and it continued until 4am. being home alone didn't help. and i dont have anyone to talk to about this. all i can do is sit and cry.
at one point in the night, kai called. over the last few months me and him rarely speak and when we do its because i put forth the effort. when i answered the phone, i was crying, but made a horrible attempt at sounding ok, but by the end of the call i was crying again, there was really nothing i could do about it. and i dont know what was supposed to hurt more...the fact that he completely ignored that something was wrong with me, or that the only reason he called me at all was just to ask about buying my car...nothing even slightly resembling "are you ok?" came out of his mouth... what a great best friend...
we'll this is the part that i dont expect anyone to care about or believe. a few week ago a friend of ours named john passed away. he had succumbed to Cystic Fibrosis after living with it for a long time. to be honest we hadn't really talked to much over the last year or so because our core groups of friends had changed and we were never super close. john always tried to be an asshole to people, mostly because he was honest and didnt hold anything back and because in a way he hoped by doing so, maybe he wouldn't leave anyone behind when he did go. but really he could never hide that he was actually a loving, big hearted person. i know this is going to sounds very stupid, but i really, truly believe that he visited me in my dream last night. i never believed that kinda thing, but what transpired in the dream really has me thinking thats what it was. we were just hanging out somewhere with our other friends and for some reason he was sitting beside me while i was laying down. everyone was just relaxing and listening to music. a song came on, that had no significance to me or john in any way but i said, "im so tired of hearing this song." he just said, "im not." it wasn't in a mean way. what i seemed to get from his expression and him saying it was, "i really just want to listen to it and enjoy it a little longer while i can." after he said that something snapped and i just started crying hard and i could feel everything. he took both of my hands and sandwich them between his, i just remember his hands feeling very frail and light. he didn't say anything just held my hands and smiled and let me cry. i remember hearing him breathe, and it wasn't raspy or coughy or labored, for once it was smooth and easy. and that made me happy and it calmed me down. he never said anything else.
when i woke up this morning, i just started to go about my regular morning routine. and i was just thinking over the dream in general. that wasnt the only part of the dream but the rest was quite interesting too. then i started to think about it. really its rare that people i know are in my dreams and when they are i can never see their faces, i just know its them. i started thinking it was really strange that of all people john would be in my dream, but i also remembered that i could see his face. i could see his face clear as day but i couldn't see the face of any of our other friends in the room. i dont think in my dream my tears were in mourning over john, those tears were mine and he was there to comfort me. when i thought "but why john?" it clicked. john had spent his whole life fighting an illness that he couldn't stop. he lived strong knowing there was no positive result. that it could only progress. he had "been there and done that." he was the only person i knew that could ever know what it was like. up until that moment, i had never thought about that, and as that scene in my dream played back in my mind, i just stood in my bathroom and shook and cried. i really think he came to help. i think he, as someone that kept his battles to himself, knew i had hit a very ruff, hard, low point, that he probably also at some point had to go through alone.
I dont care if anyone thinks that its just imaginative thinking, or that it sounds like im just leading myself to that conclusion. i just know how i felt and how it made me feel. i really do think that there was more to my dream than just the figments of a sleeping mind. what i regret most is that i cant call john up and say thank you.
yesterday was a really really ruff day. between my symptoms going completely haywire the last few days and dealing with my insurance and doctors and having to deal with all the pain and stress alone, its just fucking hard. im always so strong and positive about it but i just really cant handle it anymore. currently my left hand and part of my arm is numb. its been that way for nearly a month now. i thought it was getting better at a point but thats when it spread up through my arm. my feet started to numb out on me again yesterday. my neck and the joints in my hand feel tense and stiff. and i've had a headache in the front right side of my brain this entire time. every now and then i get visual symptoms and might see sparkling in my peripheral vision or ill see a glowing white dots float by for half a second. i feel like im only seeing out of my left eye but if i close it i can still see out of my right eye perfectly.
I dont know how most people would deal with this. most people probably read that and say "fuck that!" well i dont have a choice. and i cant fucking fix it, there is no fixing this. and the only thing i get to look foward to is it getting progressively worse. i have an MRI scheduled for next week and all i can think is its not like im going in there to have the doctor say "well this is looking better.", im going in there to have the doctor say "and this is how much worse the scaring has gotten since your last MRI." nothing positive comes from this. I was watching TV the other day and some show came on with a girl that had MS. she was a quadriplegic and had lost her ability to speak, she was also slowly going blind. worst of all her mind was intact so she was fully aware of all of it. is that what i get to look foward to? I'd rather be fucking dead.
reading all of that, how can people expect me to stay positive about this all the time. i do a pretty damn good job at it, rarely frustration over my symptoms may come through, but sometimes im just going to sit and scream and cry. am i not aloud to do that?! yesterday it started the moment i got home and got out of my car. and it continued until 4am. being home alone didn't help. and i dont have anyone to talk to about this. all i can do is sit and cry.
at one point in the night, kai called. over the last few months me and him rarely speak and when we do its because i put forth the effort. when i answered the phone, i was crying, but made a horrible attempt at sounding ok, but by the end of the call i was crying again, there was really nothing i could do about it. and i dont know what was supposed to hurt more...the fact that he completely ignored that something was wrong with me, or that the only reason he called me at all was just to ask about buying my car...nothing even slightly resembling "are you ok?" came out of his mouth... what a great best friend...
we'll this is the part that i dont expect anyone to care about or believe. a few week ago a friend of ours named john passed away. he had succumbed to Cystic Fibrosis after living with it for a long time. to be honest we hadn't really talked to much over the last year or so because our core groups of friends had changed and we were never super close. john always tried to be an asshole to people, mostly because he was honest and didnt hold anything back and because in a way he hoped by doing so, maybe he wouldn't leave anyone behind when he did go. but really he could never hide that he was actually a loving, big hearted person. i know this is going to sounds very stupid, but i really, truly believe that he visited me in my dream last night. i never believed that kinda thing, but what transpired in the dream really has me thinking thats what it was. we were just hanging out somewhere with our other friends and for some reason he was sitting beside me while i was laying down. everyone was just relaxing and listening to music. a song came on, that had no significance to me or john in any way but i said, "im so tired of hearing this song." he just said, "im not." it wasn't in a mean way. what i seemed to get from his expression and him saying it was, "i really just want to listen to it and enjoy it a little longer while i can." after he said that something snapped and i just started crying hard and i could feel everything. he took both of my hands and sandwich them between his, i just remember his hands feeling very frail and light. he didn't say anything just held my hands and smiled and let me cry. i remember hearing him breathe, and it wasn't raspy or coughy or labored, for once it was smooth and easy. and that made me happy and it calmed me down. he never said anything else.
when i woke up this morning, i just started to go about my regular morning routine. and i was just thinking over the dream in general. that wasnt the only part of the dream but the rest was quite interesting too. then i started to think about it. really its rare that people i know are in my dreams and when they are i can never see their faces, i just know its them. i started thinking it was really strange that of all people john would be in my dream, but i also remembered that i could see his face. i could see his face clear as day but i couldn't see the face of any of our other friends in the room. i dont think in my dream my tears were in mourning over john, those tears were mine and he was there to comfort me. when i thought "but why john?" it clicked. john had spent his whole life fighting an illness that he couldn't stop. he lived strong knowing there was no positive result. that it could only progress. he had "been there and done that." he was the only person i knew that could ever know what it was like. up until that moment, i had never thought about that, and as that scene in my dream played back in my mind, i just stood in my bathroom and shook and cried. i really think he came to help. i think he, as someone that kept his battles to himself, knew i had hit a very ruff, hard, low point, that he probably also at some point had to go through alone.
I dont care if anyone thinks that its just imaginative thinking, or that it sounds like im just leading myself to that conclusion. i just know how i felt and how it made me feel. i really do think that there was more to my dream than just the figments of a sleeping mind. what i regret most is that i cant call john up and say thank you.