"Midnight Clear" 25
Justin learns the truth.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, December 2005
The next day Justin mailed out his Christmas cards. And when cards came to the loft from Debbie and Carl, from Lindsay and Melanie, from Michael, Ben, and Hunter, from Daphne, from his friend Kathy from the drawing studio, and even one from his mother and Molly -- with a short note by Jennifer thanking him for his beautiful card and sending her love -- Justin hung them from a strand of red satin ribbon over the kitchen counter where he and Brian ate breakfast every morning.
Brian, being Brian, never mentioned the cards, although one morning Justin caught him looking to see who had signed them.
He does give a shit, Justin thought. But he doesn't want anyone to know it. So Justin never said anything about the cards, but simply added then to the ribbon as they arrived.
He also put out some red and green candles and lit them in the evening, sending the fragrance of Christmas through the loft. Brian never mentioned that, either. But he also didn't blow the candles out or toss them in the trash. So Justin felt he was making progress.
Baby steps. That was the way to go with Brian Kinney.
And as Christmas drew closer, Justin began to get excited. Not only was it his favorite holiday, it was also their anniversary. One year since they had met on Christmas Eve outside of Babylon.
Justin touched the bracelet Brian had brought back for him from San Francisco. This was Brian's way of acknowledging their relationship, even though he'd never admit it. You had to learn how to read Brian. You had to figure out why he did things and what they meant, because it wasn't always clear. Brian rarely said things outright unless he was reaming you out for something. When it came to talking about feelings or about their relationship, Justin often felt like one of those animal 'whisperers' who claimed to be able to understand what horses or dogs or tigers were thinking. You had to listen for the unspoken. Look for the signals. And then you had to interpret them. Sometimes it was beyond frustrating. But in the end it was worth it, Justin thought as he adjusted his bracelet. Because Brian was worth it.
He finished wrapping the last of his gifts and, since there was no Christmas tree, he placed them in a small pile against the wall under the flat-screen television in the living room. Maybe he'd find a DVD of a Christmas tree and turn it on while they opened their presents. Or they could tune in to one of those channels that played a roaring fireplace all Christmas Eve. Or they could just play some porn from Brian's extensive collection.
He was especially happy with his present for Brian. He wanted it to be extra special, especially after Brian gave him the bracelet. It had taken him a while before he was satisfied with his choice, but now he knew it was the perfect thing. It was the final thing he wrapped and placed with the others.
There. Everything is ready. Christmas Eve at Deb's to open some presents there, then back here for our private celebration. And back to Deb's on Christmas day for dinner with the whole gang. Perfect.
And after Christmas -- what?
That was the question. Justin wasn't sure. Getting ready to move to San Francisco. But there were so many things to do before that. They didn't have a place to live there yet. And what would they do about the loft? And the Jeep and the Vette?
Every time he tried to broach the subject with Brian, he was put off. "Later," Brian said. "I can't think about that now."
Brian seemed more and more preoccupied in recent days. Justin walked in to hear him arguing with someone on the phone, but he cut off the conversation when he saw Justin come in.
"What's wrong?" Justin asked.
"Nothing." Brian always put him off. "Business. Fucking business." And that's all he would say.
On the Wednesday before Christmas Justin came home with some food from the Bangkok Kitchen, a Thai take-out place just off Liberty Avenue. Brian wasn't on the computer for a change, but sitting on the sofa, staring into space.
"Vegging out?"
Brian shrugged. "Tired."
"I hope you're hungry." Justin unpacked the food and dished it out. It was good, spicy and rich, but Brian only picked at it.
"You want to watch a movie?" Justin got up and went over to the shelf. "Michael lent me 'Spider-Man' -- I know you like watching Tobey."
But Brian shook his head. "I'm not in the mood. I'd rather just fuck. Are you up for it?"
"What do you think?" Justin laughed. "I'm always up for it!"
Usually in the evening, when they had plenty of time, Brian and Justin enjoyed a nice, leisurely fuck. But tonight Brian attacked Justin's body with an intensity Justin hadn't seen from him in a long while. He plunged into him again and again, as if he were searching for something that was still eluding him.
"Brian! Wait!" Justin finally cried. "Let me catch my breath!"
"Sorry." Brian rolled over and reached for a joint he'd rolled earlier. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I'm not hurt," Justin said, giving Brian a gentle poke. "I'm just breathless. My ass needs to take a break before another round like that!"
Brian took a deep, hard toke on the joint and then passed it to Justin, who took a lighter pull.
"That's strong," Justin commented as he handed the joint back to his lover. "It makes my head spin!"
But Brian didn't answer. He just continued smoking and staring up at the rafters of the loft. The shadows cast by Justin's Christmas candles made weird shapes across the ceiling and the walls.
Justin decided this was a good moment to bring up some of the things on his mind.
"Brian, we need to talk about what's going to happen after the New Year. What are we going to do if we don't have a place to live in San Francisco? And how are we going to get all our stuff out there? And what about the cars? If we aren't going to take them with us, we'll need to store them. Or sell them. I think we need to make some plans."
Suddenly Brian sat up in bed. "Listen, I need to tell you something."
Justin frowned. This didn't sound good. "Tell me what?
"I have to go to San Francisco."
"I know. Isn't that what I've been trying to talk to you about?"
"No," said Brian, looking away. "I mean I have to go tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Justin blinked. "But tomorrow is Thursday! And Christmas Eve is Saturday! That's cutting it close, Brian!"
"That's what I need to tell you," said Brian, his voice flat. "I won't be here for Christmas Eve. Or Christmas. I won't be back until after New Year's. Tony and Radev wanted me there last week, but I put them off until the last minute. But I can't put them off any longer. I have to leave in the morning."
Justin felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. "But... but it's Christmas!"
"It's business!" Brian said sharply. "Face it, Christmas is just another day. But it's a day that's important to the P.R. business. Radev is having a series of big events at his hotel and I'm supposed to be coordinating them. I have to be there. I should be there now. And that's the reality of the situation."
"But Brian! It's Christmas!" Justin repeated. "And it's our anniversary!"
"Anniversary? Anniversaries are bullshit," Brian mumbled. "It's a fucking day! A fucking word! It's meaningless!"
Justin felt a sob rise in his throat. "Is that what you think we are, Brian? Meaningless?"
"It has nothing to do with us!" Brian blasted. "Whatever 'us' is! It's like those fucking Christmas cards. Empty sentiment."
"Empty? That's what you think about us, isn't it? An empty space." Justin replied. "And that's what I am -- an empty hole for you to fuck! Like you did tonight! I could have been anyone. It doesn't matter, does it, Brian? I'm a handy fuck. It doesn't have anything to do with love or commitment or being partners, because those are only empty words, too. Words you hate to say. Hate to think about!"
"You're making too much out of this!" Brian got out of bed. "But if you want to know the truth, those are just words. Fucking words! I ought to know because I deal with words and I know how hollow they can be. If words are all that's important to you, Sunshine, then that's your problem!"
"Yes! Words are important!" Justin countered. "Especially when you don't say them! Or are incapable of saying them! Can you say any of those words? Can you, Brian?" Justin waited, but Brian simply stood there. "And when were you planning to tell me you were leaving, Brian? When I saw you carrying the suitcases to the door?"
"I told you just now!" Brian rubbed his forehead.
"And how long have you known you weren't going to be here for Christmas?" Justin asked. But Brian didn't answer. "You've known for a long time, haven't you? You've known since you got back from the last trip. Admit it!" Again Brian didn't reply. "But you didn't tell me. Because you knew how I'd take it! And what about Gus? What about his Christmas?"
"Gus is just a kid," said Brian, his face like stone. "He'll get over it."
"Like you got over all the rotten things your parents did to you when you were a kid?" Justin turned away, unable to look at his lover.
"Fuck you!" Brian whispered.
But Justin heard it as if it had been a shout. "And fuck you, too! I love you, Brian, but what does that mean? Do you love me at all? Do you even know what love is?"
"It's words!" Brian exclaimed. "Bullshit words!"
"That's some answer," said Justin. "I guess I can't expect a better one from you. Everyone warned me what to expect, but I didn't believe them. Emmett warned me. Deb warned me. Lindsay and Mel warned me. Even Michael warned me. But I told then they didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. I thought I knew the truth. But I was wrong, wasn't I, Brian? And they were right. You can't change! And you can't love me -- or won't love me -- the way I love you."
"Don't go there, Justin," Brian cautioned. "This isn't the time or place for this."
"Then when is the right time? And what is the right place? After you leave for San Francisco and I stay here? You didn't even ask me if I wanted to go with you!"
"It's business!" Brian cried. "This isn't a party for fun. There's no place for you there when I'm working!"
Justin nodded. "No place for me. It figures. When will there ever be a place for me in your life? I was willing to give up everything to follow you, Brian! To go anywhere with you! But you don't want me to do that. I'd be in your way, wouldn't I? And I wouldn't want to be in your way!"
"It isn't that!" Brian protested. "I need to concentrate on my job right now! When the holidays are over, we can move on. And then I can... can tell Tony about... everything."
"Tell Tony? About everything?" And Justin began to realize what Brian meant. "You haven't told them about me. They don't know you live with someone here. Or, to be more accurate, that someone lives with you! A little fuck buddy you picked up last Christmas Eve. Someone who doesn't really matter. Whether he tags along to San Francisco or not doesn't really matter! And whether I stay here or go doesn't really matter, either, does it?"
Justin got out of bed and began to get dressed.
"What the fuck are you doing?" said Brian.
"Leaving."
"Oh, no you're not!" Brian grabbed Justin's arm.
But Justin pulled away. "Get the fuck off me!"
Justin dressed quickly and shoved a few things into his messenger bag. Then he headed for the door.
But Brian blocked his way. "Where do you think you're going at this time of night?"
"I don't know," Justin replied. "Somewhere. Anywhere that isn't here. Anywhere that..." Justin's voice broke. "That isn't with you!"
Brian stood aside and let Justin open the door. Let him go out, sliding the heavy iron behind him.
Leaving Brian alone in the loft, as the red and green Christmas candles burned down to wax puddles in the dish.
***
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, December 2005
The next day Justin mailed out his Christmas cards. And when cards came to the loft from Debbie and Carl, from Lindsay and Melanie, from Michael, Ben, and Hunter, from Daphne, from his friend Kathy from the drawing studio, and even one from his mother and Molly -- with a short note by Jennifer thanking him for his beautiful card and sending her love -- Justin hung them from a strand of red satin ribbon over the kitchen counter where he and Brian ate breakfast every morning.
Brian, being Brian, never mentioned the cards, although one morning Justin caught him looking to see who had signed them.
He does give a shit, Justin thought. But he doesn't want anyone to know it. So Justin never said anything about the cards, but simply added then to the ribbon as they arrived.
He also put out some red and green candles and lit them in the evening, sending the fragrance of Christmas through the loft. Brian never mentioned that, either. But he also didn't blow the candles out or toss them in the trash. So Justin felt he was making progress.
Baby steps. That was the way to go with Brian Kinney.
And as Christmas drew closer, Justin began to get excited. Not only was it his favorite holiday, it was also their anniversary. One year since they had met on Christmas Eve outside of Babylon.
Justin touched the bracelet Brian had brought back for him from San Francisco. This was Brian's way of acknowledging their relationship, even though he'd never admit it. You had to learn how to read Brian. You had to figure out why he did things and what they meant, because it wasn't always clear. Brian rarely said things outright unless he was reaming you out for something. When it came to talking about feelings or about their relationship, Justin often felt like one of those animal 'whisperers' who claimed to be able to understand what horses or dogs or tigers were thinking. You had to listen for the unspoken. Look for the signals. And then you had to interpret them. Sometimes it was beyond frustrating. But in the end it was worth it, Justin thought as he adjusted his bracelet. Because Brian was worth it.
He finished wrapping the last of his gifts and, since there was no Christmas tree, he placed them in a small pile against the wall under the flat-screen television in the living room. Maybe he'd find a DVD of a Christmas tree and turn it on while they opened their presents. Or they could tune in to one of those channels that played a roaring fireplace all Christmas Eve. Or they could just play some porn from Brian's extensive collection.
He was especially happy with his present for Brian. He wanted it to be extra special, especially after Brian gave him the bracelet. It had taken him a while before he was satisfied with his choice, but now he knew it was the perfect thing. It was the final thing he wrapped and placed with the others.
There. Everything is ready. Christmas Eve at Deb's to open some presents there, then back here for our private celebration. And back to Deb's on Christmas day for dinner with the whole gang. Perfect.
And after Christmas -- what?
That was the question. Justin wasn't sure. Getting ready to move to San Francisco. But there were so many things to do before that. They didn't have a place to live there yet. And what would they do about the loft? And the Jeep and the Vette?
Every time he tried to broach the subject with Brian, he was put off. "Later," Brian said. "I can't think about that now."
Brian seemed more and more preoccupied in recent days. Justin walked in to hear him arguing with someone on the phone, but he cut off the conversation when he saw Justin come in.
"What's wrong?" Justin asked.
"Nothing." Brian always put him off. "Business. Fucking business." And that's all he would say.
On the Wednesday before Christmas Justin came home with some food from the Bangkok Kitchen, a Thai take-out place just off Liberty Avenue. Brian wasn't on the computer for a change, but sitting on the sofa, staring into space.
"Vegging out?"
Brian shrugged. "Tired."
"I hope you're hungry." Justin unpacked the food and dished it out. It was good, spicy and rich, but Brian only picked at it.
"You want to watch a movie?" Justin got up and went over to the shelf. "Michael lent me 'Spider-Man' -- I know you like watching Tobey."
But Brian shook his head. "I'm not in the mood. I'd rather just fuck. Are you up for it?"
"What do you think?" Justin laughed. "I'm always up for it!"
Usually in the evening, when they had plenty of time, Brian and Justin enjoyed a nice, leisurely fuck. But tonight Brian attacked Justin's body with an intensity Justin hadn't seen from him in a long while. He plunged into him again and again, as if he were searching for something that was still eluding him.
"Brian! Wait!" Justin finally cried. "Let me catch my breath!"
"Sorry." Brian rolled over and reached for a joint he'd rolled earlier. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I'm not hurt," Justin said, giving Brian a gentle poke. "I'm just breathless. My ass needs to take a break before another round like that!"
Brian took a deep, hard toke on the joint and then passed it to Justin, who took a lighter pull.
"That's strong," Justin commented as he handed the joint back to his lover. "It makes my head spin!"
But Brian didn't answer. He just continued smoking and staring up at the rafters of the loft. The shadows cast by Justin's Christmas candles made weird shapes across the ceiling and the walls.
Justin decided this was a good moment to bring up some of the things on his mind.
"Brian, we need to talk about what's going to happen after the New Year. What are we going to do if we don't have a place to live in San Francisco? And how are we going to get all our stuff out there? And what about the cars? If we aren't going to take them with us, we'll need to store them. Or sell them. I think we need to make some plans."
Suddenly Brian sat up in bed. "Listen, I need to tell you something."
Justin frowned. This didn't sound good. "Tell me what?
"I have to go to San Francisco."
"I know. Isn't that what I've been trying to talk to you about?"
"No," said Brian, looking away. "I mean I have to go tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Justin blinked. "But tomorrow is Thursday! And Christmas Eve is Saturday! That's cutting it close, Brian!"
"That's what I need to tell you," said Brian, his voice flat. "I won't be here for Christmas Eve. Or Christmas. I won't be back until after New Year's. Tony and Radev wanted me there last week, but I put them off until the last minute. But I can't put them off any longer. I have to leave in the morning."
Justin felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. "But... but it's Christmas!"
"It's business!" Brian said sharply. "Face it, Christmas is just another day. But it's a day that's important to the P.R. business. Radev is having a series of big events at his hotel and I'm supposed to be coordinating them. I have to be there. I should be there now. And that's the reality of the situation."
"But Brian! It's Christmas!" Justin repeated. "And it's our anniversary!"
"Anniversary? Anniversaries are bullshit," Brian mumbled. "It's a fucking day! A fucking word! It's meaningless!"
Justin felt a sob rise in his throat. "Is that what you think we are, Brian? Meaningless?"
"It has nothing to do with us!" Brian blasted. "Whatever 'us' is! It's like those fucking Christmas cards. Empty sentiment."
"Empty? That's what you think about us, isn't it? An empty space." Justin replied. "And that's what I am -- an empty hole for you to fuck! Like you did tonight! I could have been anyone. It doesn't matter, does it, Brian? I'm a handy fuck. It doesn't have anything to do with love or commitment or being partners, because those are only empty words, too. Words you hate to say. Hate to think about!"
"You're making too much out of this!" Brian got out of bed. "But if you want to know the truth, those are just words. Fucking words! I ought to know because I deal with words and I know how hollow they can be. If words are all that's important to you, Sunshine, then that's your problem!"
"Yes! Words are important!" Justin countered. "Especially when you don't say them! Or are incapable of saying them! Can you say any of those words? Can you, Brian?" Justin waited, but Brian simply stood there. "And when were you planning to tell me you were leaving, Brian? When I saw you carrying the suitcases to the door?"
"I told you just now!" Brian rubbed his forehead.
"And how long have you known you weren't going to be here for Christmas?" Justin asked. But Brian didn't answer. "You've known for a long time, haven't you? You've known since you got back from the last trip. Admit it!" Again Brian didn't reply. "But you didn't tell me. Because you knew how I'd take it! And what about Gus? What about his Christmas?"
"Gus is just a kid," said Brian, his face like stone. "He'll get over it."
"Like you got over all the rotten things your parents did to you when you were a kid?" Justin turned away, unable to look at his lover.
"Fuck you!" Brian whispered.
But Justin heard it as if it had been a shout. "And fuck you, too! I love you, Brian, but what does that mean? Do you love me at all? Do you even know what love is?"
"It's words!" Brian exclaimed. "Bullshit words!"
"That's some answer," said Justin. "I guess I can't expect a better one from you. Everyone warned me what to expect, but I didn't believe them. Emmett warned me. Deb warned me. Lindsay and Mel warned me. Even Michael warned me. But I told then they didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. I thought I knew the truth. But I was wrong, wasn't I, Brian? And they were right. You can't change! And you can't love me -- or won't love me -- the way I love you."
"Don't go there, Justin," Brian cautioned. "This isn't the time or place for this."
"Then when is the right time? And what is the right place? After you leave for San Francisco and I stay here? You didn't even ask me if I wanted to go with you!"
"It's business!" Brian cried. "This isn't a party for fun. There's no place for you there when I'm working!"
Justin nodded. "No place for me. It figures. When will there ever be a place for me in your life? I was willing to give up everything to follow you, Brian! To go anywhere with you! But you don't want me to do that. I'd be in your way, wouldn't I? And I wouldn't want to be in your way!"
"It isn't that!" Brian protested. "I need to concentrate on my job right now! When the holidays are over, we can move on. And then I can... can tell Tony about... everything."
"Tell Tony? About everything?" And Justin began to realize what Brian meant. "You haven't told them about me. They don't know you live with someone here. Or, to be more accurate, that someone lives with you! A little fuck buddy you picked up last Christmas Eve. Someone who doesn't really matter. Whether he tags along to San Francisco or not doesn't really matter! And whether I stay here or go doesn't really matter, either, does it?"
Justin got out of bed and began to get dressed.
"What the fuck are you doing?" said Brian.
"Leaving."
"Oh, no you're not!" Brian grabbed Justin's arm.
But Justin pulled away. "Get the fuck off me!"
Justin dressed quickly and shoved a few things into his messenger bag. Then he headed for the door.
But Brian blocked his way. "Where do you think you're going at this time of night?"
"I don't know," Justin replied. "Somewhere. Anywhere that isn't here. Anywhere that..." Justin's voice broke. "That isn't with you!"
Brian stood aside and let Justin open the door. Let him go out, sliding the heavy iron behind him.
Leaving Brian alone in the loft, as the red and green Christmas candles burned down to wax puddles in the dish.
***