A Public Service Announcement (use a condom)
***Disclaimer: This entry may offend some people. If you don't want to risk being offended, then don't read it.
The other day a friend of mine had a little pregnancy scare. It happens to the best of us, if not all of us. Guys, if you've ever thought you got a girl knocked up, then you will also sympahtize with this entry. Anyway, this event reminded me of a strange shift in paradigm that a friend of mine had back in 2004, right around election time. She had been sort of seeing this guy on and off, and one week thought that she was pregnant.
At first she was terrified. I mean, this would be a life-changing event no matter what decision she made. The bigger dilemma was that she wasn’t quite sure whether she could live with herself getting an abortion if she WAS pregnant.
I told her that there are ways you can lie to yourself so that you can feel comfortable doing things you would normally not be OK with. That is how I stayed in the advertising business so long. I said, sweetie pie, you could have an “accident” or you could accidentally have someone throw a brick at you, and for extra comfort have them say “oops, a brick slipped out of my hand” after they do it. It’s easy as pie.
But she was a smart girl, and decided not to follow my advice. So she went to her local priest. She asked him what to do. He told her she was screwed no matter what. She had sex before marriage, so she was on her way to hell. If she had the abortion, she would go to hell. “Basically what you’re telling me is that I’m going to hell no matter what?”
“That’s right. But don’t worry, you’ll have lots of company.”
She decided to go to Planned Parenthood just to get some information on teenage/young adult pregnancies. Maybe she would be more informed once she saw some figures. They gave her a pamphlet that talked about the probable involvement of the biological father:
They also gave her a pamphlet on the Joys of Childbirth:
As well as the Joys of Being a Single Mother:
She still didn’t have an answer. So two times a charm: she came back to me. I told her, listen: you obviously can't go through with the abortion. My advice to you is smoke a lot of crack so that your babies come out all fucked up looking and AWESOME.
She was so exasperated that she said : “You know what, having a baby would literally be THE worst thing to happen to me right now. My life as I know it would be over. So fuck everything else, I don’t care what happens to me. A piano could drop on me RIGHT NOW and I wouldn’t care. As long as it’s a possibility that I could be pregnant, nothing worse could happen to me.”
Well it was lucky for her that she felt that way, because that day was the single worst day of her life. Only, she didn’t feel that way, because she might be pregnant..and that’s all that mattered.
Driving on her way to work, she was going 90 MPH. Fuck traffic lights. Who cares, right? Well, the massive amounts of people that she hit and killed probably cared. It was like something out of Terminator 2. Bodies were rained down like the apocalypse. I think it made headlines.
She kept on driving. Due to the accident, though, she was late to work. Her boss had had it with her. So he canned her on the spot.
She decided to go to her mom’s house for comfort. But just as she walked in the door, ready to confess her problem, Mom had news for HER: RICHARD SIMMONS IS YOUR LONG LOST BROTHER!! I always thought I gave birth twice, and it turns out I DID! TO YOUR BROTHER! What was it you wanted to tell me?
“Nothing mom, nevermind. Richard, we can grab coffee sometime..but I gotta go.”
Richard said : “You’re lookin a little chubby around the middle! Almost like you’re pregnant! But no sister of mine would be a cheap whore. Lets do coffee!”
She decided to watch a little TV, you know, to numb her brain for a little.
She said this was the best news she heard all day. If the world froze over in less than 9 months, she’d get off scott free.
On her way home, she was pushed into a dark alley way, robbed and stabbed. Had he stabbed her just a few inches lower, it would have been the best day of her life. But no.
When she told me what had happened, I started crying, asking her if she was ok. “No big deal. I asked him to rape me also, maybe throw in a few punches, but he declined. I took a nap. The gutter didn't smell so bad. a.k.a. it didn't smell like pregnancy."
“Well” I said. “You’re lucky that you have a nice warm home to go to.”
“It was warm alright"
She came to my place and I said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. So we bought a pregnancy test, and it was NEGATIVE! She was so happy. Time for a new life. All she needed now was a great lawyer who specializes in 2nd degree serial murder, a job, and a home. She was set!
Then we turned on the news and heard this:
It turns out being pregnant wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened to her. So she didn’t take my advice about fudging the truth to suit your own needs; instead she just made a B-line for the gold:
Dead during the reign of Bush? Lucky bitch!!!
Copyright Jane Callahan 2006