And that completes our broadcast day.
I should be studying for tomorrow’s exam, but instead I felt there was a more pressing issue. That issue is television.
I don’t watch much TV, mostly because I think the programming is crap. I would really like to sit down with the programming people at these major stations, over a cup of Starbucks coffee (they will pay for mine, ofcourse) and ask how mentally retarded people such as themselves got so powerful.
There are certain shows that just aren’t good anymore. Like Jeopardy. It’s still on. Doesn’t Alex Trebeck know that nobody even reads anymore? I don’t know anyone under 80 years old that watches that show regularly. The only reason old people watch it is to figure out Alex Trebeck’s secret to never dying. That guys time should have been up a while ago.
Anyway, I’ve handpicked a few shows that are often on whenever I am channel surfing, and I’ve added some commentary.
Celebrity Fit Club
Can someone tell me why the host of this show, who is motivating once-famous people to lose weight, is fat? What is more degrading than being told you are fat on national television by a short, flamboyantly gay man who wears too much rouge and is himself fat? Does he wear all that rouge to trick people into thinking he is all flushed from working out at the gym? The jig is up dude, we all know that is fat and not muscle.
The washed out celebrities who are currently on Celebrity Fit Club include some girl from the Cosby Show (the annoying daughter that nobody liked), Cher’s intimidatingly lesbian daughter, “Chas”:
and the dude that played the principle/shamed wrestler in “Billy Madison”.:
I would have to say the only decent part of this show is when the dude who played Kennickie in “Grease” shows up to events totally loaded up on painkillers. In one exercise, they all had to get into a canoe and race with another canoe. The guy from Grease fell asleep in the canoe with a Hawaiian lei on, drooling on himself. Then later on, when he steps on the scale and is told that he has lost no weight whatsoever, storms off the show telling the hosts to go fuck themselves and that this show can suck his dick.
Apparently he is the only person on that show with a motherfucking clue.
In conclusion, I would like to go on this show and do this in front of all of them:
There & Back
One time at a baseball game, a girl behind me got hit in the face with a fly ball. Her face was mashed and bleeding. It was so horrible, yet I couldn’t look away. That’s what this show is like.
At first I thought the main character was hot, but he turned out to be such a loser that I wouldn’t let him touch my titties with a ten-foot pole. A former band member of the barely-popular band “O Town”, a guy with a girls name (Ashley Parker Angel-can you have a more sissy name than that?) is trying to get famous again.
It is not working. He has no talent. His music is so bad that it is not even played on HIS show, because it sucks so much. He is trying to support his pregnant girlfriend (and her mother who lives with them and is always drinking mojitos in the kitchen).
To make ends meet while he is “recording” he has to apply for a part-time job. He goes into a job agency and they basically tell him he has no skills or work experience and that he is screwed. He goes “but I was in O Town” and the guy is like “What’s an O Town?”. I was laughing. He does get a job, though, wearing a chicken suit outside of a restaurant.
Since this guy is such a prissy-footed weenie with a girl’s haircut, his girlfriend is all tough in comparison.
They go out to a club, and a stranger starts calling out to Ashley “Hey cupcake, nice girly shirt!” (it was a few panels of fabric short of a blouse). Ashley cowers in the corner while his girlfriend, WHO JUST HAD A BABY, starts beating on the guy. His girlfriend even makes fun of O Town to the camera when he is not around.
I think this show is so bad that I would like to enroll Ashley Angel into the army where, even though they will shave off his precious locks, he will be happily fucked in the butt. And off TV.
Project Runway
Wow, another reality show. What a surprise. I’m glad to see people in programming are being so creative and innovative by coming up with the 300th reality TV show. The other day this show was on TV from 6p.m. to midnight, which is proof that there is a hell.
You know those strange artsy types, who always talk about their “visions” and have probably at some point been hospitalized for a mental breakdown? Well those are the people on this show, only they are “fashion designers”.
The host is Heidi Klum, who feels the need to shove in our face that she’s all wordly and German by saying “Auf Wiedersehen” at the end of the show. Here’s a tip, Heidi: if you want a lot of viewers, don’t remind people that you came from a country that killed a million Jews. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs; we are all conditioned to think “Hitler” the minute we hear a German accent. You know I went to Germany once, and you know what there was to do? Visit concentration camps. You should really be proud of your heritage Heidi Klum, I’m sure you’re going to make the show a big hit.
Anyway this show is boring because 90% of it is watching people sew together shitty clothes and bitching at each other about who has more talent.
In a perfect world, a clown midget would ride in on a tricycle and tell them that NONE of them have talent, kick them in the crotch, and tricycle away.
Winter Olympic Games
"But Jane, hating the wholesome Winter Olympics is like hating PBS! Being bored by the Olympics is like being bored of Mongolian architecture..."OK, half the people in the U.S. probably don’t even know that there IS such a thing as the winter Olympics, and the other half probably has no idea that it is occurring right now. Truthfully, I would rather have a root canal than watch some gigantic, broad-shouldered Danish woman sprint in skis, with a look on her face like she could going to rip a moose to shreds with her bare teeth.
They have all these weird sports that nobody cares about. Like “curling”. What is curling?: “A game played on ice in which heavy stones with handles are slid toward a target.” WOW!!! EDGE OF YOUR SEAT NON-STOP ENTERTAINMENT! If I wanted to watch a non-freezing cold version of shuffle board, I can go down to Florida, thanks.
So when you go back to your hometown, and you are trying to pick someone up in a bar, do you brag about being world curling champion? What happens if you came in third? “I am the world’s 3rd best curling champion”. Actually I think saying that to the opposite sex would be the most efficient form of birth control, as you would never get laid.
In conclusion, the only good thing about the Winter Olympics is watching ice skating and hoping that someone will fall and mess up. I hope you all get massacred by the abominable snowman. Or the Germans.
Room Raiders
I saved this one for last because there is nothing I loathe more than this show. They get chicks that aren’t even that hot (and probably from University of Miami) to go search through different guys rooms.
The goal is to try and guess who they are from the contents in that room, while the guys wait in the van and say how “hot”she is, then call her a bitch when she discovers their porn, and then the socks next to the porn.
At the end, she has to choose a guy based on his room. Before she chooses one, she has to explain to the others why she is not choosing them. She must always do this in what she thinks is a cute baby voice:
“Chaz, I decided not to pick you because your drapes were purple, and I don’t really like the color purple. Mike, I am not choosing you because all your shirts were clean and ironed, and that must mean you are so anal!!! Tee hee! I choose Brad because he had lots of Playboys, and that means he likes sluts, which means he will like me. Also, I have no self-esteem.”
This show is so bad I think it should be a winter Olympics sport.
In closing, I still maintain that the only cool show to ever hit the silver screen is Judge Judy. A menopausal woman with a gavel? There is no better combination. I wish I got paid to tell trailer trash that they are trailer trash.
Also, if HBO doesn’t stop showing Freddie Prinz Jr. movies I’m jumping off a cliff.
Copyright Jane Callahan 2006