I Can't Believe Its Not Booze!
The other night my father sat us down at dinner and said he had gotten some blood tests back. Not only does he have high blood pressure, but his cholesterol is 399. For those of you who don't understand what that means: 140 is normal, 200 is borderline high, 300 is heart attack city and at 399 your heart is pumping butter, not blood. His doctor used the words "ticking time bomb."
Last time I checked, everyone wants dad around. So we stocked the fridge with cholesterol-free alternatives:
So then I decided, if my dad has to make a major sacrfice for his health, then why shouldn't I join him? My father has no will power, so I figured the only way I can show him how much I want him to get healthy is by agreeing to do something equally as difficult. So I sat down and I thought, "what is the thing I do most, that is bad for me?
I mean, lately I've been drinking it so much I might as well be taking it in like this:
That is right ladies and gentleman, I am giving up drinking for a month. With the one exception of Saturday March 18th, the day on which I really celebrate my Irish heritage, I will be drinking this:
I told this to my dad and he was like "YEAH RIGHT!". But I am sure that I can do this. I am actually kind of feeling up to the challenge. It might be nice to go out to a bar and be the only one not acting like an asshole. And for my first challenge, tonight I will be going to a dive bar with Jessica and George. And I will savor every sip of club soda.
In the meantime, I was making a mental list of all the things I could do with my time besides drinking. And this is what I came up with:
1) Clean my room.
For the past few years, my room has looked like Hurrican Katrina changed her mind about ravaging New Orleans and ravaged my closet instead. I havn't see the floor of my room since I was born. I would not be surprised if there is an illegal Mexican family of 20 living somehwere in my room.
So while some friends went out to celebrate another day of the week, I moved about 100 lbs worth of clothing back to where it belongs. And who knew my room was so big?!
2)Ship my sister to Iraq.
We all know I don't get along with my first sister Clare. And ironically I have to share a room with her. So now that my room is clean, all I need is to have it to myself. She's a huge bitch, so I figured the only way to really turn her nice to put her in a life-threatening situation to show her who is boss. Besides, she likes Middle Eastern food so it wont be all bad.
----->
3)Volunteer in the Special Olympics.
If I can't drink and get retarded, I might as well spend quality time with those who have no choice.
I will hand out O'Doul's non-alchoholic beer to all of them, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL WINNERS.
4)Raising money for myself by saying it is for blind people.
While not spending my money on booze will free up a little cash, I could aways use more. So I have come up with an elaborate scam in which I walk around collecting money for blind people.
Once I get enough money, I will then take it for myself and replace the money with Monopoly money.
Blind people wont know the difference and think it's real money. By the time they go to the store to buy new eyes the clerk will be like "Are you trying to cheat me? This is MONOPOLY MONEY" I will be in Jamaica drinking out of a coconut, smoking boatloads of drugs and ironically starting the glass eye business that I always wanted to run.
Copyright Jane callahan 2006
Last time I checked, everyone wants dad around. So we stocked the fridge with cholesterol-free alternatives:
So then I decided, if my dad has to make a major sacrfice for his health, then why shouldn't I join him? My father has no will power, so I figured the only way I can show him how much I want him to get healthy is by agreeing to do something equally as difficult. So I sat down and I thought, "what is the thing I do most, that is bad for me?
I mean, lately I've been drinking it so much I might as well be taking it in like this:
That is right ladies and gentleman, I am giving up drinking for a month. With the one exception of Saturday March 18th, the day on which I really celebrate my Irish heritage, I will be drinking this:
I told this to my dad and he was like "YEAH RIGHT!". But I am sure that I can do this. I am actually kind of feeling up to the challenge. It might be nice to go out to a bar and be the only one not acting like an asshole. And for my first challenge, tonight I will be going to a dive bar with Jessica and George. And I will savor every sip of club soda.
In the meantime, I was making a mental list of all the things I could do with my time besides drinking. And this is what I came up with:
1) Clean my room.
For the past few years, my room has looked like Hurrican Katrina changed her mind about ravaging New Orleans and ravaged my closet instead. I havn't see the floor of my room since I was born. I would not be surprised if there is an illegal Mexican family of 20 living somehwere in my room.
So while some friends went out to celebrate another day of the week, I moved about 100 lbs worth of clothing back to where it belongs. And who knew my room was so big?!
2)Ship my sister to Iraq.
We all know I don't get along with my first sister Clare. And ironically I have to share a room with her. So now that my room is clean, all I need is to have it to myself. She's a huge bitch, so I figured the only way to really turn her nice to put her in a life-threatening situation to show her who is boss. Besides, she likes Middle Eastern food so it wont be all bad.
----->
3)Volunteer in the Special Olympics.
If I can't drink and get retarded, I might as well spend quality time with those who have no choice.
I will hand out O'Doul's non-alchoholic beer to all of them, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL WINNERS.
4)Raising money for myself by saying it is for blind people.
While not spending my money on booze will free up a little cash, I could aways use more. So I have come up with an elaborate scam in which I walk around collecting money for blind people.
Once I get enough money, I will then take it for myself and replace the money with Monopoly money.
Blind people wont know the difference and think it's real money. By the time they go to the store to buy new eyes the clerk will be like "Are you trying to cheat me? This is MONOPOLY MONEY" I will be in Jamaica drinking out of a coconut, smoking boatloads of drugs and ironically starting the glass eye business that I always wanted to run.
Copyright Jane callahan 2006