Oscar Who?
Every year I look forward to the Oscars. Except for this year. Why? Because I havn't seen any of these "important" films. The major films that I did go to see I was either high, drunk, or both.
I think people who make a big deal out of Oscar night, placing bets, etc. who havn't seen all the films in question are a bunch of posers. People who talk about "best sound editing" or "best makeup" like it's their day job can go suck a dick. Unless you're wiping Speilberg's ass, I don't want to hear it. You work behind the counter at Home Depot, nobody cares what you have to say.
Anyway it seems like this year someone high up in the ladder decided to make the "AA" (Academy Awards) stand for Affirmative Action: we've got a gay cowboy, a black pimp, and a country-singing alchoholic. Score. I like where this is going.
Hustle & Flow
Didn't see it. Did Queen Latifah threaten to sit on people if they didn't nominate this movie for best film? Sorry, but I'm not going to pay ten dollars to try and scrape up sympathy for a hard-up pimp/drug dealer who wants to be a famous rap artist. Oh, you sell drugs to kids and smack up bitches and feel like you're stuck in a rut? Poor baby. Waaaa waaa somebody call the waaaambulance. Why don't you access the internet at your local library and go to www.hotjobs.com, asshole. Best case scenario you DO get to become a famous rap artist: you will own 5 mansions and 500 pounds worth of jewelry and talk about how bad it is to be poor, while you sip a bottle of $1,000 champagne. You will rap about the oppressor, who just also happens to own the music label that's making you rich. But whatever. Oh and you know what, last time I checked, pantyhose was for womens' legs and not your fucking bad hair day. You look like a giant condom.
Syriana
George Clooney is up for Best Supporting Actor. At first I thought it was a movie about Grisley Adams.
I saw this while totally high. Seeing a movie in which a little boy dies in a pool can really kill your buzz.
Overall, THIS
PLUS THIS
= I have absolutely no idea what is going on.
Cinderella Man
Didn't see it. Paul Giammati is nominated as Best Supporting Actor. Gee, now, why wasn't Russell Crowe nominated for anything? Perhaps because he didn't have to actually ACT for this film. If you are known for anger management issues and say, got arrested for throwing a phone at a hotel concierge, then don't expect to be praised for doing the same exact thing on film, except with a pair of boxing gloves thrown in. Go back to Australia you beer-gutted good for nothing. I bet watching that movie was like those computer games at bars, where they show you two of the same picture except you need to point out hidden differences:
Brokeback Mountain
Saw it, and fantasized about raping either cowboy the entire time. Sure, I cried at the end, but only because Jake Gyllenhaal's character died and that means there was one less hot cowboy to have sex with. I feel bad for Jake Gyllenhaal; everyone is buzzing about Heath Ledger's performance, and poor little Jake gets the Best Supporting Actor nod. Supporting. That's like, second best. That's like being "the not so hot" sister.
............................or...................
The Constant Gardener
Didn't see it. Doesn't Hollywood know that if you put anything about gardening in the title, whether literal or symbolic, you lose 90% of your potential audience? I bet the only people that were turned on by that title were too old and decrepit to wheel their way to the theatre. If they did, they probably bitched and moaned about how the senior ticket price has gone up and decided to go home and watch "The Price Is Right" instead.
Rachel Weisz is up for Best Supporting Actress.
If I were a lesbian, I'd do her. However it is kind of scary to see that someone who starred not only in "The Mummy" but "The Mummy 2" can weasel their way to an Oscar nomination. It is a terrible thing that a digitally created mummy was a better actor than her in both "films". I wonder if she had the urge to commit suicide after making a movie with Brendan Frasier. Brendan Frasier got big after doing "Encino Man", a movie in which he had basically no lines but only had to grunt. Then they cast him in other movies, where he actually had to open his mouth. Everyone realized he sucked, but he wouldn't get out of Hollywood. Kind of like that crazy ex girlfriend that will "accidentally" drive by your house ten times in one night, or who will call and ask you "if you're thinking about her." Yeah.
The Corpse Bride
Have you ever spent days and days writing a term paper, and then lost it on the computer, and sat there in a blanket of grief and shock realizing that you can never get those hours of your life back? That's how I felt about this movie. I saw this movie in Thailand. I was so desperate to hear the English language; I needed a break from the constant ching chong ching chong chow. So I sat down to this steaming pot of bile. I ended up walking out of it halfway through, because I felt that if I had stayed for the whole thing my stomach would fall out of my ass. It is up for Best Animated Feature. I can't IMAGINE what the other animated features must have been like. Probably something like having your head in a vice while someone anally rapes you with a fire hydrant.
The Chronicles of Narnia
Saw this on mushrooms. It's a really great sign when people like a 30-second video of SNL making fun of the movie than the actual movie itself. It is up for "Best Makeup." Normally, you would think it was difficult to master the makeup and body hair of a character that is half deer and half man:
Unless ofcourse it was played by Robin Williams:
Harry Potter
Didn't see it. It was offered on the 24-hour plane ride coming back from Asia, but I chose to stare at the back of some guys seat for 2 hours instead. Aren't they up to like, Harry Potter #15 now or something? Harry Potter turns 40, buys a magic porsche and has a mid-life crisis? It's up for Best Art Direction. Best Art Direction? That's like the prize a school gives out to the kid that got shitty grades and sucked at sports, but they don't want him to feel left out, so they give him a crappy trophy that says "Most Cheerful" or something. I chose not to see it because I really can't take having to listen to Ron Weasley's voice crack every five minutes, or having to try and not notice that Hermione's boobs are at that awkward, not-quite-boobs-yet stage. Ugh, it's like reliving the torture of Junior High School all over again, but with dragons. I'll pass.
Munich
Up for Best Picture. Yeah, I saw this movie, but in all fairness I can't say that I SAW it saw it. There were some explosions, pretty sure there was a plot of some kind..but to be honest the entire time I was staring at Eric Bana's junk for 3 hours. I tried doing the same thing in "Troy" but the goddamn armor didn't let me see a fucking thing.
GODDAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD. Sure, it's a big deal when Halle Berry flashes her titties in "Swordfish". But when it comes to helping out us female folk, that roaring lion has nothing for us. Luckily, there is print media:
Copyright Jane Callahan 2006
I think people who make a big deal out of Oscar night, placing bets, etc. who havn't seen all the films in question are a bunch of posers. People who talk about "best sound editing" or "best makeup" like it's their day job can go suck a dick. Unless you're wiping Speilberg's ass, I don't want to hear it. You work behind the counter at Home Depot, nobody cares what you have to say.
Anyway it seems like this year someone high up in the ladder decided to make the "AA" (Academy Awards) stand for Affirmative Action: we've got a gay cowboy, a black pimp, and a country-singing alchoholic. Score. I like where this is going.
Hustle & Flow
Didn't see it. Did Queen Latifah threaten to sit on people if they didn't nominate this movie for best film? Sorry, but I'm not going to pay ten dollars to try and scrape up sympathy for a hard-up pimp/drug dealer who wants to be a famous rap artist. Oh, you sell drugs to kids and smack up bitches and feel like you're stuck in a rut? Poor baby. Waaaa waaa somebody call the waaaambulance. Why don't you access the internet at your local library and go to www.hotjobs.com, asshole. Best case scenario you DO get to become a famous rap artist: you will own 5 mansions and 500 pounds worth of jewelry and talk about how bad it is to be poor, while you sip a bottle of $1,000 champagne. You will rap about the oppressor, who just also happens to own the music label that's making you rich. But whatever. Oh and you know what, last time I checked, pantyhose was for womens' legs and not your fucking bad hair day. You look like a giant condom.
Syriana
George Clooney is up for Best Supporting Actor. At first I thought it was a movie about Grisley Adams.
I saw this while totally high. Seeing a movie in which a little boy dies in a pool can really kill your buzz.
Overall, THIS
PLUS THIS
= I have absolutely no idea what is going on.
Cinderella Man
Didn't see it. Paul Giammati is nominated as Best Supporting Actor. Gee, now, why wasn't Russell Crowe nominated for anything? Perhaps because he didn't have to actually ACT for this film. If you are known for anger management issues and say, got arrested for throwing a phone at a hotel concierge, then don't expect to be praised for doing the same exact thing on film, except with a pair of boxing gloves thrown in. Go back to Australia you beer-gutted good for nothing. I bet watching that movie was like those computer games at bars, where they show you two of the same picture except you need to point out hidden differences:
Brokeback Mountain
Saw it, and fantasized about raping either cowboy the entire time. Sure, I cried at the end, but only because Jake Gyllenhaal's character died and that means there was one less hot cowboy to have sex with. I feel bad for Jake Gyllenhaal; everyone is buzzing about Heath Ledger's performance, and poor little Jake gets the Best Supporting Actor nod. Supporting. That's like, second best. That's like being "the not so hot" sister.
............................or...................
The Constant Gardener
Didn't see it. Doesn't Hollywood know that if you put anything about gardening in the title, whether literal or symbolic, you lose 90% of your potential audience? I bet the only people that were turned on by that title were too old and decrepit to wheel their way to the theatre. If they did, they probably bitched and moaned about how the senior ticket price has gone up and decided to go home and watch "The Price Is Right" instead.
Rachel Weisz is up for Best Supporting Actress.
If I were a lesbian, I'd do her. However it is kind of scary to see that someone who starred not only in "The Mummy" but "The Mummy 2" can weasel their way to an Oscar nomination. It is a terrible thing that a digitally created mummy was a better actor than her in both "films". I wonder if she had the urge to commit suicide after making a movie with Brendan Frasier. Brendan Frasier got big after doing "Encino Man", a movie in which he had basically no lines but only had to grunt. Then they cast him in other movies, where he actually had to open his mouth. Everyone realized he sucked, but he wouldn't get out of Hollywood. Kind of like that crazy ex girlfriend that will "accidentally" drive by your house ten times in one night, or who will call and ask you "if you're thinking about her." Yeah.
The Corpse Bride
Have you ever spent days and days writing a term paper, and then lost it on the computer, and sat there in a blanket of grief and shock realizing that you can never get those hours of your life back? That's how I felt about this movie. I saw this movie in Thailand. I was so desperate to hear the English language; I needed a break from the constant ching chong ching chong chow. So I sat down to this steaming pot of bile. I ended up walking out of it halfway through, because I felt that if I had stayed for the whole thing my stomach would fall out of my ass. It is up for Best Animated Feature. I can't IMAGINE what the other animated features must have been like. Probably something like having your head in a vice while someone anally rapes you with a fire hydrant.
The Chronicles of Narnia
Saw this on mushrooms. It's a really great sign when people like a 30-second video of SNL making fun of the movie than the actual movie itself. It is up for "Best Makeup." Normally, you would think it was difficult to master the makeup and body hair of a character that is half deer and half man:
Unless ofcourse it was played by Robin Williams:
Harry Potter
Didn't see it. It was offered on the 24-hour plane ride coming back from Asia, but I chose to stare at the back of some guys seat for 2 hours instead. Aren't they up to like, Harry Potter #15 now or something? Harry Potter turns 40, buys a magic porsche and has a mid-life crisis? It's up for Best Art Direction. Best Art Direction? That's like the prize a school gives out to the kid that got shitty grades and sucked at sports, but they don't want him to feel left out, so they give him a crappy trophy that says "Most Cheerful" or something. I chose not to see it because I really can't take having to listen to Ron Weasley's voice crack every five minutes, or having to try and not notice that Hermione's boobs are at that awkward, not-quite-boobs-yet stage. Ugh, it's like reliving the torture of Junior High School all over again, but with dragons. I'll pass.
Munich
Up for Best Picture. Yeah, I saw this movie, but in all fairness I can't say that I SAW it saw it. There were some explosions, pretty sure there was a plot of some kind..but to be honest the entire time I was staring at Eric Bana's junk for 3 hours. I tried doing the same thing in "Troy" but the goddamn armor didn't let me see a fucking thing.
GODDAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD. Sure, it's a big deal when Halle Berry flashes her titties in "Swordfish". But when it comes to helping out us female folk, that roaring lion has nothing for us. Luckily, there is print media:
Copyright Jane Callahan 2006