Lying to yourself again, suicidal imbecile.
Jackyl's B-Movie Review!
Featuring:
"Demon Hunter" (2005)
Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery, that guy that played Kubrick in Supernatural
Plot: Um. Kay. There's a demon going around impregnating women and the church sends out their half-demon demon hunter to take care of it.
Review:
Alright, so we start off with a nice little country-style house in the middle of the night. A light is on in one of the rooms and we see the silhouette of what looks like someone praying profusely. When we get into the room we find it’s a priest performing an exorcism on a young lady.
…I’d like to know why they always have girls wearing stupid frilly nightgowns. Who wears those anymore? Also, the girl’s room? Looks like it belongs to a five year old.
Downstairs a nice old Spanish lady is praying, while we see a solemn man sitting on the landing of the stairs carving something nonchalantly in the background.
Anyhoo, possessed chick starts making out with the priest before attacking him.
Hearing a scream from upstairs, the man, who is our (anti)hero for today, heads on up. Of course she’s killed the priest by now. When our anti-hero walks in she goes “Hello pretty man”. Very apt description.
Lol, then there’s some silly name calling before the two finally get into a fight. There’s some throwing and punching and some anti-gravity on the little possessed woman’s part before anti-hero gets the upper hand and stabs the crucifix-stake (the thing he was carving) into her chest….
I guess she was a vampire/demon.
When he goes back down the stairs the previously nice old Spanish lady starts freaking out at him (clearly knowing that he’s killed her daughter/granddaughter) saying “God Damn You!” to which he replies “He already has.”
Ah, anti-hero clichés, how I love you.
It’s the next day now, in a cityscape, and Jake is narrating. We learn his name is Jacob Greyman and that he doesn’t have a lot of friends. Or any, for that matter. He philosophizes about Nietsche, about having to be a monster to fight monsters. Cue corny kind of heavy opening title music.
The entire opening credits take place over video of Jake sketching out some demons and such, in a comic-book manner.
This is something that they never actually touch on in the movie afterward. It’s a neat aspect of the character and would’ve been nice to see, but then again, this is a movie about a half demon hunting full-on demons… not a comic book artist. I’m tempted to call him Dante, by the way… ‘cause, well, that’s basically his character. Or perhaps more like Vergil, ‘cause Jake is not the happiest fellow around, all kinds of emo and GRR I HATES PEOPLE.
Anyhoo, credits are done now and Jake’s walking down the street and heading into a church. He walks down the aisle of empty pews to a door guarded by two angry looking priests. When he walks by candles they mysteriously blow out. Dun, dun, dunnn… (they never actually say: HEY! This guy’s half-demon! By the way… they just allude to it at this point, and yeah, that’d be part of the alluding). So yeah, he pushes his way past the two priest lackeys and into the room where we see a bunch of Cardinals having a discussion over… stuff. Saving “the flock” and what not and the morality of exorcisms… or something. “We need to think of the children!” Pah. So yeah, Jake walks in and obviously he doesn’t have a lot in the way of friends at the church ‘cause even the Cardinals glare at him and make snide remarks as they leave the room so that Jake and the head guy can have a chat. By the way, I’m not familiar with the hierarchy of the church, so I could totally be getting this wrong…
Anyway, they’re talking about the exorcism the previous night, Jake emos a bit, then they figure that there’s a fallen angel wandering about trying to knock up chicks. They wonder if he can handle it and he’s all “Meh, we’ll find out.” Jake then takes his leave, deciding he could do with a few hours sleep.
"Agh, my brain hurts..."
Once gone, the Cardinal ominously states that “maybe the time has come to do more than just sit and wait.” Yeah, probably a good idea…
Scene change! It’s a loft apartment or something and we see a scantily clad lady walk out of the shadows.
She has some awesomely fake horns sticking out of her forehead… She’s walking toward a guy on a bed surrounded by a bunch of dead naked chicks.
Yup, meet our resident baddie.
Horny Chick (*snickers*) comments about how fragile the creatures are (through some slurred speech due to fake fangs…), and Demon Daddy is like “Meh, some of em.” They get to talking about the chick last night and Horny Chick mentions seeing the guy who took her out. He’s no priest, or Seraphim… what could he be!? She is now charged with finding out, sprouts cute little wings and flutters off.
Weeee!
Scene change! We’re apparently at “Sisters of Charity” and the Cardinal knocks on the door. He’s looking for a Sister Sarah, who he finds sitting with some kids. “The Church has need of you!” Cardinal implores, “But the children!” she replies, “…will sleep more safely if…blah blah blah.” They walk off while Cardinal tells her what’s up.
Scene change! We’re finally back with Jake who seems to have finally made his way home. He flops down on his bed for some apparently much needed rest. Who should pop out of the darkness but, Horny Chick! Rather than startling like most folk, he just kinda looks at her like:
“Bzuh?”
...while she crawls on top of him. There’s some talking, stuff like what the hell are you? All the while she’s undoing his shirt and licking him and such. Yeah. It’s inferred she’s a succubus. They start making out. Jake makes a few token shows of “no-touchy” but, well.. he’s male. *shrug* So, she’s about to get down to business *ahem* when there’s a knock at the door (that he never actually closed, but whatever…)
This is his sexy timez face.
When he opens his eyes again, gasp! Horny Chick is gone… but his belt buckle’s still undone. Without bothering to make himself more presentable, Jake answers the door and there’s Sister Sarah.
Would you like to buy some cookies?
Jake assumes she’s there to tell him where The Target is but oh noes! She’s actually his partner. ‘Cause nothing says Demon Hunter like a nun. Jake pretty much tells her such, acts like a bit of a dick and assumes Cardinal sent her less as support and more as “I KEEL YOU” if he changes sides. To which he’s just: “Yeah well if I go down you’ll go with me.” Then he’s off to have a shower and change.
Don't touch anything.
Sister Sarah is a snoop so she’s wandering around, looking at his art and, d’aww there’s one of a guy who suspiciously looks like Jake all dark and emo.
I just want a friend... T_T
Scene change! Back at the love nest we finally learn that, yup, Jake is a half breed who was spawned by a fallen angel.
Scene change! Jake and Nun go to the scene of the exorcism the night before to have a look ‘round for clues. They’re interrupted by a cop and Nun naively tells them why they’re there. Jake will have none of that and attacks the cop.
Nun freaks out and talks him down from killing the guy.
They have a little ‘what if’ talk in the car basically just to illustrate how naïve Nun is while Jake is world-wearier and cynical.
Having found a business card for a talent agent, they arrive at the address to find said talent agent hanging from the wall, eviscerated.
Yum.
Nun runs out, about to puke while Jake has a look around. Corpse-Man starts talking in the voice of Horny Chick. They exchange some snark...
D'aww, poor little feller.
Jake emos some more about how he doesn’t have a proper place in the world before Horny Chick vacates the corpse and Jake continues on his way.
Reuniting with Nun, they find a connection between the girls, a list with four names on it, three of which have been crossed off. Off to find the fourth!
Or well… not quite. They check in with Cardinal, figure out Demon Daddy knows someone’s after him, and go over the list. The fourth name is one Nancy Yamikawa. This is where Jackyl lols ‘cause those up on their Japanese know that Yamikawa directly translates to “Dark River”. The more you know!
So yeah, the girls are prostitutes and the ‘talent agent’ was their pimp. Cardinal can’t figure out why a demon would want “lost souls” already and why a succubus is hanging around.
Basically this is them creating filler and making sure people have been following…
Back in the car Jake and Nun have a tiff, and she mentions his lonely looking drawings, he gets defensive and they drive off.
Scene change! There’s a graveyard, and we hear Demon Daddy calling Nancy… while he rubs some random chick’s ass. Yup.
Scene change! Jake and Nun are scoping out a mansion.
Nancy married money. They have another morality debate dealing with prostitutes with phrases like: “They give up a part of themselves, leaving a hole that needs filled.” And Jake replies: “It gets filled alright.”
… I don’t know if they did that intentionally or not. I know they’re supposed to be talking about possession, but come on I can’t be the only one whose mind went into the gutter just then.
So anyhoo, they follow Nancy and her bodyguards to the cemetery. Nancy sees Demon Daddy enter a mausoleum and follows, leaving her guards outside (why does she have guards if she was just a prostitute? They act like she’s part of the Yakuza or something…).
But yeah, cue cheesy rock music and pr0nz.
Jake introduces himself to the posse as Noah Abraham from the LAPD. Heh. But before he can get very far with his ruse, Nancy comes stumbling out from her two-minute happy time like a drunk and bodyguard runs to her aid. No one actually decides to look into the guy she went to have a chat with… They decide instead to attack Jake, especially with the insistence of Psycho!Nancy.
See? Psycho.
Jake fights the group of angry bodyguards while Nun runs after Psycho!Nancy.
Of course Nun fails spectacularly and Jake is all: “You suck.”
Wow, you suck.
Jake grills bodyguard and he finds out where Psycho!Nancy used to live.
Yeah... I don't really need a photo to illustrate this, but SPF looks kinda really hot...
Back with Nun she admits she sucks and offers herself as bait. Then asks what Psycho!Nancy meant by half breed ‘cause apparently she didn’t figure out that he’s actually part demon even though she’s seen him throw guys around. Jake just kinda brushes her off, bitches her out, and then they’re off to find where the chick is hiding.
So they stop for hotdogs and they apologize to one another and bond. Aw. Jake emos some more before they leave.
SLUUUUUUUURP
Scene change! The Cardinals are being suspicious. They’re bringing in Inquisitors from all around the world just in case things go south.
Back with our intrepid duo, Nun tries to compliment Jake, tell him that his soul isn’t as dark and empty as he thinks, but he pretty much just brushes her off and they continue on to the apartment of Psycho!Nancy. They find the place and Jake gives Nun a gun (which won’t kill a demon but slows them down he informs us) and another cross stake thing… apparently his coat is a bottomless armory.
Now where did I leave that...
Entering the building it looks like a rundown hotel which would’ve been rather pretty in its day. They come across a guy lying nekkid on a ratty mattress. Apparently he was one of Horny Chick’s victims. So yay, she’s there too…
Aw hell...
Sure enough, elsewhere in the hotel Horny Chick and Demon Daddy are having a conversation on how to deal with their guests. Jake apparently has Demon Daddy worried and he wants to just go ahead and kill him, but Horny Chick just plain wants him.
Back to our two friends, they’re wandering the darkened halls and coming upon room after room of people skrawnking.
Whoa... never seen that position before.
From this Jake finally realizes who they’re up against. Asmodeus. Demon of lust. Fun times.
Suddenly Psycho!Nancy appears!
Kinda creepy how they don't need to put any SFX makeup on her...
She ninja attacks Jake before running off and he, in a not so brilliant move, tells the nun to wait in the hallway while he chases after her… Mhm. We know where this is going, don’t we?
Anyhoo, instead of Psycho!Nancy, Jake finds an empty room that turns out to be not-so-empty when Horny Chick appears and immediately gets on with molesting him. He puts up token resistence again, but yeah…
Not so much.
Nun is still hanging around in the hall, looking like a lost little lamb, and we see movement in the background.
Oh noes! It’s Demon Daddy, calling her out and she is daft and follows him. Rather than running into him though, she bumps into our friend Psycho!Nancy who gets really friendly with Nun. Finally getting to her senses she shoves the cross stake in her face that seems to have the effect of a bug zapper on contact with possessed people.
Nifty. As per usual, Psycho!Nancy takes off and as she’s wont to do, Nun runs after her, following her into the basement ‘cause that’s always a good idea. Nun ends up shooting Psycho!Nancy.
While this is going down, Jake and Horny Chick are still going… well, down. They’re rolling around and it turns out it was all a ploy for Jake to get close to the cross stake he apparently dropped at some point.
Without a lot of build up or preamble, he just stakes Horny Chick who dies easily enough. The gunshots from downstairs seem to knock Jake out of his daze and he goes running off to save the damsel!
Demon Daddy makes a move on Nun, but it doesn’t go well and all. Jake jumps in to stop him. They get into a little demon brawl, but as these things normally go, the hero doesn’t do so well and this movie follows that template. So, Jake gets his ass handed to him and Demon Daddy takes off with Nun.
So not getting paid enough for this...
Jake comes-to the next day and steals a motorcycle from a biker...
Nice wheels.
...and heads off to the cemetery ‘cause that’s where his demon senses tell him where to go I guess.
Yeah, another unncessary photo, but come on, the man looks good on a bike.
They’re right on the money though ‘cause the next thing we see is Nun getting sexed up by Demon Daddy. Only, something’s off… Gasp! Nun’s eyes change colour and she hulks out on him. Uh buh?
Nun SMASH!
When Jake gets off the bike he hears what sounds like two Miniature Pinschers fighting one another and he follows it to the good ol’ mausoleum to find Nun mowing down on Demon Daddy’s corpse.
You want some?
Jake’s all: WTF? And Nun explains that she’s a demon spawn too whose dark side was suppressed by the church. After that there’s lots of philosophizing and talk about sides and destiny. All I could think of though was why she got so fugly when her demon side was let loose while Jake is still pretty despite him accepting who he is. Even when he hulks out a bit to fight her, his eye just glow red for a bit… *shrug* whatever, I’m not complaining.
I haz LASER EYES
They have their own little demon throw down before Jake ends up on top and chokes the life from her. He then literally emos in the corner for a bit.
He leaves the mausoleum and spins around in the middle of the cemetery for some reason before hopping on his commandeered bike and riding off to the church. It’s a scene much like the beginning of the movie and he barges into the room with the Cardinals.
Y'all suck. ):
He bitches them out before walking out. We’re then treated with a little narrative from him and learn that he’s now doing things his own way.
I'm BATMAN
The End.
I originally saw this one before "Savage Planet" and "Mongolian Death Worm" so I was a lot harder on it the first watch through. Lol, after seeing those, however, this one doesn't seem so bad. Plus, I found out it was shot in 18 days, so really, you can't fault a movie for turning out like this after only 18 days. In fact, that's pretty impressive.
So yeah, not a SUPER horrible movie, all things considered. It's worth watching just for some of the one-liners it produces.
... this is turning out to be the Sean Patrick Flanery Movie Corner or something.
Featuring:
"Demon Hunter" (2005)
Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery, that guy that played Kubrick in Supernatural
Plot: Um. Kay. There's a demon going around impregnating women and the church sends out their half-demon demon hunter to take care of it.
Review:
Alright, so we start off with a nice little country-style house in the middle of the night. A light is on in one of the rooms and we see the silhouette of what looks like someone praying profusely. When we get into the room we find it’s a priest performing an exorcism on a young lady.
…I’d like to know why they always have girls wearing stupid frilly nightgowns. Who wears those anymore? Also, the girl’s room? Looks like it belongs to a five year old.
Downstairs a nice old Spanish lady is praying, while we see a solemn man sitting on the landing of the stairs carving something nonchalantly in the background.
Anyhoo, possessed chick starts making out with the priest before attacking him.
Hearing a scream from upstairs, the man, who is our (anti)hero for today, heads on up. Of course she’s killed the priest by now. When our anti-hero walks in she goes “Hello pretty man”. Very apt description.
Lol, then there’s some silly name calling before the two finally get into a fight. There’s some throwing and punching and some anti-gravity on the little possessed woman’s part before anti-hero gets the upper hand and stabs the crucifix-stake (the thing he was carving) into her chest….
I guess she was a vampire/demon.
When he goes back down the stairs the previously nice old Spanish lady starts freaking out at him (clearly knowing that he’s killed her daughter/granddaughter) saying “God Damn You!” to which he replies “He already has.”
Ah, anti-hero clichés, how I love you.
It’s the next day now, in a cityscape, and Jake is narrating. We learn his name is Jacob Greyman and that he doesn’t have a lot of friends. Or any, for that matter. He philosophizes about Nietsche, about having to be a monster to fight monsters. Cue corny kind of heavy opening title music.
The entire opening credits take place over video of Jake sketching out some demons and such, in a comic-book manner.
This is something that they never actually touch on in the movie afterward. It’s a neat aspect of the character and would’ve been nice to see, but then again, this is a movie about a half demon hunting full-on demons… not a comic book artist. I’m tempted to call him Dante, by the way… ‘cause, well, that’s basically his character. Or perhaps more like Vergil, ‘cause Jake is not the happiest fellow around, all kinds of emo and GRR I HATES PEOPLE.
Anyhoo, credits are done now and Jake’s walking down the street and heading into a church. He walks down the aisle of empty pews to a door guarded by two angry looking priests. When he walks by candles they mysteriously blow out. Dun, dun, dunnn… (they never actually say: HEY! This guy’s half-demon! By the way… they just allude to it at this point, and yeah, that’d be part of the alluding). So yeah, he pushes his way past the two priest lackeys and into the room where we see a bunch of Cardinals having a discussion over… stuff. Saving “the flock” and what not and the morality of exorcisms… or something. “We need to think of the children!” Pah. So yeah, Jake walks in and obviously he doesn’t have a lot in the way of friends at the church ‘cause even the Cardinals glare at him and make snide remarks as they leave the room so that Jake and the head guy can have a chat. By the way, I’m not familiar with the hierarchy of the church, so I could totally be getting this wrong…
Anyway, they’re talking about the exorcism the previous night, Jake emos a bit, then they figure that there’s a fallen angel wandering about trying to knock up chicks. They wonder if he can handle it and he’s all “Meh, we’ll find out.” Jake then takes his leave, deciding he could do with a few hours sleep.
"Agh, my brain hurts..."
Once gone, the Cardinal ominously states that “maybe the time has come to do more than just sit and wait.” Yeah, probably a good idea…
Scene change! It’s a loft apartment or something and we see a scantily clad lady walk out of the shadows.
She has some awesomely fake horns sticking out of her forehead… She’s walking toward a guy on a bed surrounded by a bunch of dead naked chicks.
Yup, meet our resident baddie.
Horny Chick (*snickers*) comments about how fragile the creatures are (through some slurred speech due to fake fangs…), and Demon Daddy is like “Meh, some of em.” They get to talking about the chick last night and Horny Chick mentions seeing the guy who took her out. He’s no priest, or Seraphim… what could he be!? She is now charged with finding out, sprouts cute little wings and flutters off.
Weeee!
Scene change! We’re apparently at “Sisters of Charity” and the Cardinal knocks on the door. He’s looking for a Sister Sarah, who he finds sitting with some kids. “The Church has need of you!” Cardinal implores, “But the children!” she replies, “…will sleep more safely if…blah blah blah.” They walk off while Cardinal tells her what’s up.
Scene change! We’re finally back with Jake who seems to have finally made his way home. He flops down on his bed for some apparently much needed rest. Who should pop out of the darkness but, Horny Chick! Rather than startling like most folk, he just kinda looks at her like:
“Bzuh?”
...while she crawls on top of him. There’s some talking, stuff like what the hell are you? All the while she’s undoing his shirt and licking him and such. Yeah. It’s inferred she’s a succubus. They start making out. Jake makes a few token shows of “no-touchy” but, well.. he’s male. *shrug* So, she’s about to get down to business *ahem* when there’s a knock at the door (that he never actually closed, but whatever…)
This is his sexy timez face.
When he opens his eyes again, gasp! Horny Chick is gone… but his belt buckle’s still undone. Without bothering to make himself more presentable, Jake answers the door and there’s Sister Sarah.
Would you like to buy some cookies?
Jake assumes she’s there to tell him where The Target is but oh noes! She’s actually his partner. ‘Cause nothing says Demon Hunter like a nun. Jake pretty much tells her such, acts like a bit of a dick and assumes Cardinal sent her less as support and more as “I KEEL YOU” if he changes sides. To which he’s just: “Yeah well if I go down you’ll go with me.” Then he’s off to have a shower and change.
Don't touch anything.
Sister Sarah is a snoop so she’s wandering around, looking at his art and, d’aww there’s one of a guy who suspiciously looks like Jake all dark and emo.
I just want a friend... T_T
Scene change! Back at the love nest we finally learn that, yup, Jake is a half breed who was spawned by a fallen angel.
Scene change! Jake and Nun go to the scene of the exorcism the night before to have a look ‘round for clues. They’re interrupted by a cop and Nun naively tells them why they’re there. Jake will have none of that and attacks the cop.
Nun freaks out and talks him down from killing the guy.
They have a little ‘what if’ talk in the car basically just to illustrate how naïve Nun is while Jake is world-wearier and cynical.
Having found a business card for a talent agent, they arrive at the address to find said talent agent hanging from the wall, eviscerated.
Yum.
Nun runs out, about to puke while Jake has a look around. Corpse-Man starts talking in the voice of Horny Chick. They exchange some snark...
D'aww, poor little feller.
Jake emos some more about how he doesn’t have a proper place in the world before Horny Chick vacates the corpse and Jake continues on his way.
Reuniting with Nun, they find a connection between the girls, a list with four names on it, three of which have been crossed off. Off to find the fourth!
Or well… not quite. They check in with Cardinal, figure out Demon Daddy knows someone’s after him, and go over the list. The fourth name is one Nancy Yamikawa. This is where Jackyl lols ‘cause those up on their Japanese know that Yamikawa directly translates to “Dark River”. The more you know!
So yeah, the girls are prostitutes and the ‘talent agent’ was their pimp. Cardinal can’t figure out why a demon would want “lost souls” already and why a succubus is hanging around.
Basically this is them creating filler and making sure people have been following…
Back in the car Jake and Nun have a tiff, and she mentions his lonely looking drawings, he gets defensive and they drive off.
Scene change! There’s a graveyard, and we hear Demon Daddy calling Nancy… while he rubs some random chick’s ass. Yup.
Scene change! Jake and Nun are scoping out a mansion.
Nancy married money. They have another morality debate dealing with prostitutes with phrases like: “They give up a part of themselves, leaving a hole that needs filled.” And Jake replies: “It gets filled alright.”
… I don’t know if they did that intentionally or not. I know they’re supposed to be talking about possession, but come on I can’t be the only one whose mind went into the gutter just then.
So anyhoo, they follow Nancy and her bodyguards to the cemetery. Nancy sees Demon Daddy enter a mausoleum and follows, leaving her guards outside (why does she have guards if she was just a prostitute? They act like she’s part of the Yakuza or something…).
But yeah, cue cheesy rock music and pr0nz.
Jake introduces himself to the posse as Noah Abraham from the LAPD. Heh. But before he can get very far with his ruse, Nancy comes stumbling out from her two-minute happy time like a drunk and bodyguard runs to her aid. No one actually decides to look into the guy she went to have a chat with… They decide instead to attack Jake, especially with the insistence of Psycho!Nancy.
See? Psycho.
Jake fights the group of angry bodyguards while Nun runs after Psycho!Nancy.
Of course Nun fails spectacularly and Jake is all: “You suck.”
Wow, you suck.
Jake grills bodyguard and he finds out where Psycho!Nancy used to live.
Yeah... I don't really need a photo to illustrate this, but SPF looks kinda really hot...
Back with Nun she admits she sucks and offers herself as bait. Then asks what Psycho!Nancy meant by half breed ‘cause apparently she didn’t figure out that he’s actually part demon even though she’s seen him throw guys around. Jake just kinda brushes her off, bitches her out, and then they’re off to find where the chick is hiding.
So they stop for hotdogs and they apologize to one another and bond. Aw. Jake emos some more before they leave.
SLUUUUUUUURP
Scene change! The Cardinals are being suspicious. They’re bringing in Inquisitors from all around the world just in case things go south.
Back with our intrepid duo, Nun tries to compliment Jake, tell him that his soul isn’t as dark and empty as he thinks, but he pretty much just brushes her off and they continue on to the apartment of Psycho!Nancy. They find the place and Jake gives Nun a gun (which won’t kill a demon but slows them down he informs us) and another cross stake thing… apparently his coat is a bottomless armory.
Now where did I leave that...
Entering the building it looks like a rundown hotel which would’ve been rather pretty in its day. They come across a guy lying nekkid on a ratty mattress. Apparently he was one of Horny Chick’s victims. So yay, she’s there too…
Aw hell...
Sure enough, elsewhere in the hotel Horny Chick and Demon Daddy are having a conversation on how to deal with their guests. Jake apparently has Demon Daddy worried and he wants to just go ahead and kill him, but Horny Chick just plain wants him.
Back to our two friends, they’re wandering the darkened halls and coming upon room after room of people skrawnking.
Whoa... never seen that position before.
From this Jake finally realizes who they’re up against. Asmodeus. Demon of lust. Fun times.
Suddenly Psycho!Nancy appears!
Kinda creepy how they don't need to put any SFX makeup on her...
She ninja attacks Jake before running off and he, in a not so brilliant move, tells the nun to wait in the hallway while he chases after her… Mhm. We know where this is going, don’t we?
Anyhoo, instead of Psycho!Nancy, Jake finds an empty room that turns out to be not-so-empty when Horny Chick appears and immediately gets on with molesting him. He puts up token resistence again, but yeah…
Not so much.
Nun is still hanging around in the hall, looking like a lost little lamb, and we see movement in the background.
Oh noes! It’s Demon Daddy, calling her out and she is daft and follows him. Rather than running into him though, she bumps into our friend Psycho!Nancy who gets really friendly with Nun. Finally getting to her senses she shoves the cross stake in her face that seems to have the effect of a bug zapper on contact with possessed people.
Nifty. As per usual, Psycho!Nancy takes off and as she’s wont to do, Nun runs after her, following her into the basement ‘cause that’s always a good idea. Nun ends up shooting Psycho!Nancy.
While this is going down, Jake and Horny Chick are still going… well, down. They’re rolling around and it turns out it was all a ploy for Jake to get close to the cross stake he apparently dropped at some point.
Without a lot of build up or preamble, he just stakes Horny Chick who dies easily enough. The gunshots from downstairs seem to knock Jake out of his daze and he goes running off to save the damsel!
Demon Daddy makes a move on Nun, but it doesn’t go well and all. Jake jumps in to stop him. They get into a little demon brawl, but as these things normally go, the hero doesn’t do so well and this movie follows that template. So, Jake gets his ass handed to him and Demon Daddy takes off with Nun.
So not getting paid enough for this...
Jake comes-to the next day and steals a motorcycle from a biker...
Nice wheels.
...and heads off to the cemetery ‘cause that’s where his demon senses tell him where to go I guess.
Yeah, another unncessary photo, but come on, the man looks good on a bike.
They’re right on the money though ‘cause the next thing we see is Nun getting sexed up by Demon Daddy. Only, something’s off… Gasp! Nun’s eyes change colour and she hulks out on him. Uh buh?
Nun SMASH!
When Jake gets off the bike he hears what sounds like two Miniature Pinschers fighting one another and he follows it to the good ol’ mausoleum to find Nun mowing down on Demon Daddy’s corpse.
You want some?
Jake’s all: WTF? And Nun explains that she’s a demon spawn too whose dark side was suppressed by the church. After that there’s lots of philosophizing and talk about sides and destiny. All I could think of though was why she got so fugly when her demon side was let loose while Jake is still pretty despite him accepting who he is. Even when he hulks out a bit to fight her, his eye just glow red for a bit… *shrug* whatever, I’m not complaining.
I haz LASER EYES
They have their own little demon throw down before Jake ends up on top and chokes the life from her. He then literally emos in the corner for a bit.
He leaves the mausoleum and spins around in the middle of the cemetery for some reason before hopping on his commandeered bike and riding off to the church. It’s a scene much like the beginning of the movie and he barges into the room with the Cardinals.
Y'all suck. ):
He bitches them out before walking out. We’re then treated with a little narrative from him and learn that he’s now doing things his own way.
I'm BATMAN
The End.
I originally saw this one before "Savage Planet" and "Mongolian Death Worm" so I was a lot harder on it the first watch through. Lol, after seeing those, however, this one doesn't seem so bad. Plus, I found out it was shot in 18 days, so really, you can't fault a movie for turning out like this after only 18 days. In fact, that's pretty impressive.
So yeah, not a SUPER horrible movie, all things considered. It's worth watching just for some of the one-liners it produces.
... this is turning out to be the Sean Patrick Flanery Movie Corner or something.