I love the title o.o but then again I have a dirty mind...
Anywho, it sounds good, the only thing that's triggering red flags in the back of my mind is you've made it a bit personal, but if the assignment allows for personal experience, then just ignore what I'm saying. Ever since I've started writing essays, I've had it beaten into my head to avoid "I" "We" etc, unless part of a quote for pursuesive and the other kind of essay, and only to use I in a personal narrative. But like I said, I could be wrong, all depends on what your teacher allows. Is this for an English class? Even so, I say turn it in as is, since it's a rough draft your professor will tell you if it's wrong.
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Anywho, it sounds good, the only thing that's triggering red flags in the back of my mind is you've made it a bit personal, but if the assignment allows for personal experience, then just ignore what I'm saying. Ever since I've started writing essays, I've had it beaten into my head to avoid "I" "We" etc, unless part of a quote for pursuesive and the other kind of essay, and only to use I in a personal narrative. But like I said, I could be wrong, all depends on what your teacher allows. Is this for an English class? Even so, I say turn it in as is, since it's a rough draft your professor will tell you if it's wrong.
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