{exo; kris/lay} going blind for you (ii)
Title: going blind for you, part ii/ii
part one
Saturday morning, Yixing is jerked away by a vision of a hurricane destroying home after home in lethal wash of water and wonders whether their inhabitants have evacuated in time. Natural disasters, at least, are beyond his control. "Whoa, hey," he hears Lu Han say. "Are you all right?"
"Yes," he whispers, sitting up and willing desperately for his eyes to work so he can find Lu Han and nod, reassure him that nothing is wrong with Yixing.
A weight sinks down the foot of Yixing's bed when Lu Han sits down, and Yixing lifts his face as his sight filters back. He squints, finds Lu Han's face, and offers a wan smile. "Good morning," Yixing says.
"Nightmare?" Lu Han asks, sympathetic and sweet. Glad for the easy excuse, Yixing nods and stumbles out of bed for a clean changes of clothes.
"Want me to wait up for you so we can go down to breakfast together?" Lu Han asks, and Yixing notices his hair is clean and blow dried, settling softly on the collar of his shirt.
Yixing hesitates. "Yes, please," he says, and hurries into the bathroom, aware he is running late; the vision must have blocked out the sound of his alarm clock. The water is still readily hot from Lu Han's shower, and Yixing moves as quickly as he can so his roommate won't have to wait. His body disagrees with being pushed so hard after a fresh vision, and he drops the soap more than once. When he bends to pick it up, his back and legs ache.
When they reach the lobby of the dorm, Minseok is waiting for them. Lu Han curls a hand around Minseok's shoulder, fingers resting persistently against Minseok's neck, and Yixing notices Minseok lean into the touch absently. He knows how they work, from Lu Han and just from watching them orbit around each other like two lost stars who have found a gravitational pull like home. He knows how Lu Han reaches out to everyone but himself, pulling Minseok forward because he believes his boyfriend deserves more--"too compassionate for his own good," Minseok has told Yixing during one of those moments they're waiting quietly for Lu Han to catch up after being pulled into conversation by a passing acquaintance. He sees Lu Han's fear of abandonment when the boy curls a hand around Minseok's wrist, sees Minseok touch a hand to Lu Han's shoulder like he's reassuring him that yes, he's here. Yixing has never been so comfortable and affectionate with anyone, hardly even been able to make his mother smile anymore, and can't help but feel envy.
After breakfast, Yixing lets Lu Han pull him along when Lu Han and Minseok go to the library to work on the assignments they've been given over the weekend. They've only just settled into a quiet corner when Lu Han peers into his bag and sighs, upset.
"What is it?" Minseok asks, looking up from his notebook.
"I forgot my laptop charger in the dorm room," Lu Han says. "I'll go get it."
"I can do it," Yixing volunteers, and stands, putting his bag on the table. "I left something behind, too, anyways."
Lu Han looks at him in surprise. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course," Yixing says, withdrawing his room key and wallet from his bag. "I'll be back in a a few minutes."
"Thank you, Yixing!" Lu Han calls after him as Yixing slips out of the library and makes his way back to the dorm room. Lu Han's laptop charger is easily retrieved from under his desk, and Yixing collects the supplementary novel and its accompanying annotations from his bedside dresser, having had forgotten he'd put them there before going to sleep. One quick check of the room so he won't have to make another trip back, and Yixing picks up his cell phone from his shelf and carefully locks up, walking back to the library.
He's almost at the door when a tall boy walks out of it, pausing to hold the door open for him. "Thank you," he says out of politeness.
"Yixing?" Wu Fan says in surprise, and Yixing's eyes dart up to the face he's seen so many times now after a vision. At least this time wasn't like that, he tells himself determinedly.
"Ah, hello," he says, looking away and trying to edge into the safety of the library, but Wu Fan catches onto his elbow.
"Wait," Wu Fan says, then hesitates. "Yixing, wait. Can I have a moment of your time?"
"I--I need to--" Yixing gestures weakly toward Lu Han and Minseok in the library, who can probably see them at the library doors.
"It won't take long," Wu Fan says firmly, and tugs him a ways down the quiet corridor.
He's going to ask about the visions, Yixing thinks frantically. And I won't be able to run away this time and he'll want to know everything and I don't think I can talk about it, not again, I don't think I can do this--
Wu Fan waits until Yixing looks away from the phone and charger and papers in his hands. "Do you want to get coffee with me sometime?" he asks.
"What?" Yixing stammers, taken aback.
"Coffee. I hope you like to drink it, maybe we could get some tomorrow morning," Wu Fan says patiently. "Or whatever day you're free."
"You--you're asking me out?" Yixing blurts, then blushes. It's one thing to want secrets, it's another to want something else--unless Wu Fan has ulterior motives and wants to get under his skin and break Yixing from inside out when asking?
"I won't... I won't ask about that thing that happens to you, whatever it is. I just want to spend some time with you that isn't, well, on the way to the nurse's office or something," Wu Fan says, studying Yixing's face with something akin to hope. "Okay?"
Maybe Lu Han made him do it, Yixing thinks. He can't do this. He can't bear to let someone close again. What if he sees Wu Fan in the next vision and everything falls apart in his hands? He can't pick all the pieces up again when there are still other shards to collect. "Can I think about it?" he asks at last.
Wu Fan looks almost disappointed for a moment, but lets him go. "Sure. Do you text?"
"Yes?" Yixing says, and as Wu Fan takes his cell phone from his hands, he can only watch Wu Fan putting in his own number and calling it. A ringtone emanates from Wu Fan's bag, muffled by cloth, and Wu Fan puts the phone back into Yixing's loose grasp.
"Let me know," he says, and turns away before Yixing can reply. It takes a moment before Yixing can connect what just happened, opening his phone to find a new contact. By the time he sits back down at the table where Lu Han and Minseok are working at, handing the charger to Lu Han absently, he's paying more attention to his cell phone than his supplementary book.
Minseok sighs long-sufferingly, and Yixing looks up to see a smile curling at Lu Han's lips. "What?" he asks tentatively.
"Well?" Lu Han asks, expectant gaze on Yixing's face. "Are you getting coffee with him?"
"You know?" Yixing asks, feeling embarrassed without being sure he needs to be. It shouldn't surprise him that Lu Han would know, seeing as Lu Han is friends with Wu Fan. This type of thing is just so unfamiliar to him.
"Of course," Lu Han says, like it's obvious. "I don't know what you've done to him, but I've never seen him so into coffee. You do like it, don't you? I know you have it at breakfast."
"It's all right," Yixing says faintly. He might still be blushing.
It takes him a couple days to text Wu Fan; Wu Fan obviously won't do it first, intent on not pushing Yixing away farther and suddenly Yixing has a whole new reason to look away from Wu Fan during Cell Biology labs.
He still hasn't come to a decision--has been avoiding considering Wu Fan and coffee and dates all together--by the time Lu Han flops onto Yixing's bed on Tuesday night, face next to Yixing's thigh. The first time this happened, Yixing had carefully scooted back and pretended he hadn't seen the hurt in Lu Han's eyes, but weeks have passed into months since Yixing first arrived onto this campus and Yixing no longer flinches away.
"Yixing," Lu Han whines, peering up at him as if he isn't Yixing's senior in age and lessons.
"Yes?" Yixing says indulgently, looking up from his novel. He's almost done, and enjoying it more than he'd expected, seeing as it was homework rather than leisure.
Lu Han deposits Yixing's cell phone onto his stomach. "Have you texted Wu Fan yet? Please?"
"Lu Han," Yixing complains, anxiety catching in his throat underneath the playful front he tries to keep in place. "I've--I've been busy."
"He really likes you, I think," Lu Han mumbles. "You should give him a chance."
"It's not him, it's just that I don't think I'm ready for...for something like this," Yixing says, but his voice refuses to come out louder than a whisper.
"He hasn't said anything, but I can tell," Lu Han says, putting the cell phone into Yixing's hand with a beseeching look. "He asks me if you're doing all right and it's hard for him, he's never tried so much for someone he doesn't know very well, and I think--I think he'd be good for you. If you let him."
"Never tried?" Yixing asks, and wonders if it's too late to snatch back the curiosity.
"He never used to look outside our group," Lu Han says earnestly. "I've known him since we were kids and he's--he's not the type to just approve of anyone. Much less care for their well being."
Yixing bites his lip and looks down at the phone, and Lu Han sits up to give him space. "He doesn't know I'm telling you this," Lu Han adds, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them. "He'd be mad at me, even if I'm meddling for his own good."
"I'd be good for him?" Yixing whispers. He slides his phone open and clicks his way to Wu Fan's contact information, new text.
"I think so," Lu Han says. "And he'd be good for you. You never join us for study sessions, but maybe he'll be better at persuading you than I am."
"It's not you," Yixing says guiltily, but Lu Han waves his apology away and gestures at his cell phone insistently.
Yixing's cheeks burn, but he taps out the words, would coffee tomorrow at 8 be okay? then pauses. "Is eight o'clock too early?" he asks Lu Han nervously, who laughs at him and shakes his head no. He hits sent and immediately feels like hiding, pulling his pillow to his body and throwing the phone into Lu Han's lap.
"He replied!" Lu Han says excitedly, tossing the cell phone back, and Yixing just barely manages to catch it, hands trembling from nerves and maybe a bit of anticipation and nothing like the fatigue that holds after a vision. He reads: sure, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.
"It's long," Lu Han says, peering at the screen himself. "I knew he liked you."
"What have you done," Yixing says, gazing at the text in horror.
✰
Yixing is awake before his alarm and paces fretfully enough that he wakes Lu Han up, who laughs and throws a pillow at him. In the shower, he gets a vision of a gunshot to the head and needs to turn the water on as hot as it goes to warm himself afterwards. Lu Han, thankfully, blames how pale he looks on pre-date jitters.
"Where's my wallet?" Yixing asks Lu Han, upending his bed and desk in search for it.
"Here!" Lu Han bends to pick it up from where it's fallen to the ground by Yixing's bed and Yixing crosses the room to take it from him thankfully. "You won't need it, though. He's taking you out."
Yixing flushes and puts the wallet into his coat pocket, picking up his bag. "Just in case," he says, and Lu Han ushers him out of the dorm room even as he's putting on his scarf.
He gets to the cafe on the other side of the plaza from the cafeteria, just as Wu Fan had told him to, a few minutes early. Two bells looped over the handle jingle as he pushes open the door, and he steps into a warm, festively decorated room.
Wu Fan, it turns out, was even earlier, standing when he sees Yixing and beckoning. A cup with its lid off to let the contents cool is in front of him on the table, and Yixing looks at it curiously, taking in the scent of coffee beans. Wu Fan says apologetically, "I've been here for the past ten minutes, so I thought I'd just get something first. Here, what do you want?"
Yixing notices the wallet, leather in Wu Fan's hand, and fumbles for his own self-consciously, but Wu Fan puts his free hand on Yixing's arm to stop him. "Um--a cappuccino then. Vanilla bean," Yixing says, embarrassed. "Medium size?"
"Got it," Wu Fan says, and stands to approach the cashier. To Yixing's relief, the line is short, and the boy behind the counter brings the drink quickly.
"Thank you," Yixing says, wrapping his fingers around the drink when Wu Fan sets it before him and sits down across from him; the booth Wu Fan chose is intimate, but the warm coffee chases away the last bite of cold in Yixing's hands and he relaxes a bit.
It's not that bad after that. They sit in an awkward, unsure silence until Wu Fan asks after his classes, how he's doing after joining halfway through the year. Yixing laughs often and eventually his tongue stops stumbling over itself, soothed by sips of his drink, and he even agrees to let Wu Fan tutor him sometime when he admits he's having difficulty with calculus. He hasn't had an opportunity to ask his professor his questions yet, and this will be easier, probably. Maybe better, with Wu Fan's gentle, patient eyes and sure hands. Yixing has never felt so warm.
They stand together once Yixing drains the last drops of his cappuccino, Wu Fan having finished his latte earlier, and Yixing notes the time--almost time for morning classes to start.
Yixing drops his empty cup into the trash can, waits for Wu Fan to do the same as he buttons up his coat. He's pushing the door of the cafe open, shivering at the gust of cool air that greets him, when a vision suddenly chokes Yixing and sends him stumbling.
It's snowing already, tires slip on ice, and suddenly Yixing is tumbling down a mountain slope, trapped in the metal compartment of a car, to a fatal end. The cold is the worst part, as if Wu Fan and the cafe never existed, existed in his imagination, a past life, and Yixing is afraid his bones will freeze him from inside out and he'll never wake up again. There was no warning this time again, and Yixing struggles harder than ever because he can't do this to Wu Fan again. He can't, not after the nicest date he's ever had.
When he comes to, hiccuping with his upset and shaking, it's against Wu Fan's solid body. "I got you," Wu Fan says lowly, walking them forward at a brisk pace; Yixing's legs only just manage to follow. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry," Yixing says, the apology falling from his lips before he can say "I'm fine" instead. And for once, he isn't lying when Wu Fan asks him that. "I'm so sorry," he repeats, realizing he is near tears.
"Shhh, don't," Wu Fan whispers. They walk farther, entering a building, and Yixing abruptly notices this isn't the science wing--it's the first floor of the dorm, and Wu Fan is fumbling for his back pocket.
"Wu Fan?" he asks, beginning to panic.
Wu Fan stops and struggles to unlock one of the dorm rooms with his left hand when he is holding Yixing to his right side, and Yixing trips forward when Wu Fan pushes the door open with his left hip.
"Wait, I--we--we have class--" Yixing stammers as Wu Fan shuts the door behind them. He's still trembling, too weak to struggle when Wu Fan gently pushes him onto the single bed in the room.
He's never been in another person's room before; even that time he and Lu Han went to Minseok's room to call him down for breakfast one weekend, Yixing hadn't stepped inside, just stammered a greeting to Minseok's roommate, Jongdae, who was too sleepy to say much in reply. Almost against his will, Yixing sits on the bed and peers around him as Wu Fan takes off his jacket and fetches something from the bathroom.
"Oh!" Yixing says in surprise as Wu Fan drapes a thick quilt over his shoulders, sitting heavily beside him. "Th-thank you."
"You're welcome," Wu Fan says, and just looks at him for a moment. The scrutiny makes Yixing want to look away, but the moment he's been dreading is upon them and he owes this to Wu Fan now. Wu Fan's gaze makes Yixing want to draw back into his skin and hide until there's only a limp mass under the blanket, and he's only told this to one other person after he foretold the death of her husband. It's so hard to find the right words.
Yixing swallows, and lets Wu Fan take his hand. "Yixing," Wu Fan says, pauses to take a deep breath. "Please."
Tears are rising in his eyes already, and Yixing wonders when he fooled himself into thinking that he was better, that he was strong again when he never was. "I get--I have visions."
He stops, but Wu Fan doesn't speak. Just keeps looking him with those clear, patient eyes.
"I have visions and every time--every time you've had to help me was because of the seizures. I get so cold, and my eyesight goes and the only thing I can see or think about are the pictures." Yixing stops again, waiting for Wu Fan to walk away, to call him a liar and force him out of his room.
"Go on," Wu Fan says instead.
Yixing closes his eyes. "I always--I always see bad things." He recalls crimson staining gold and has to swallow hard. "Sometimes, it's no big deal, but sometimes, I can see people die, and it hurts because I can't save them. There's no way to save them if I don't know who they are, or where they live, or when these things will even happen to them. I've seen murder and freak accidents and natural disasters, and it's still so painful."
"Yixing..."
He shakes his head, still refusing to look Wu Fan in the face. "And what scares me the most is so selfish, but I can't help it. It takes longer for me to find myself every time this happens to me. I can't see and I can't stand, and that's okay if I'm alone but--but you won't always be there to save me when I'm in public."
"I can try," Wu Fan says fiercely.
"It's not possible," Yixing cries, wrenching his hand back. "You don't understand. I've seen my father die before my very eyes and then have it happen in real life, what makes you think I can let you be around me?"
The silence pierces through Yixing like his mother's tears had, a vision still so recent burning at his eyes. He'd been in his homeroom class seven years after Xin Xin had died, seen the car swerve and screen and careen into his father's car. Died on impact, they'd told him and his mother when they'd rescued the body from the wreckage, but he was still dead. Once the anchor of their family had disappeared and set them adrift, every warning, every time Yixing had made his parents promise to take care on the road, had gone to waste. Three weeks of promises, broken just like that.
His family had crumbled, his mother spending more and more time with her various doctors and therapists than with her only son. Yixing packed his bags for the boarding school his mother's psychiatrist had recommended, and wondered whether survivor's guilt was the name of the weight on his shoulders, around his throat. He had seen the death, known who it would happen to, yet hadn't saved him.
"I didn't save him," Yixing chokes out, and he didn't realize he was crying until Wu Fan wraps him into his arms and his tears soak straight into Wu Fan's shirt collar.
"I can take care of myself, and you," Wu Fan says. "And I can't save your father, but I can tell you it's not your fault you didn't stop him. If this was his fate, then you can only keep moving on."
"I should have saved him. Warned him more or kept him from going to work, something. It could have been prevented," Yixing says tearfully.
"What if he wasn't going to work? What if that vision had been him on the way to the post office, or the supermarket? Yixing, you can't change the past, and you can't blame yourself for it either," Wu Fan insists. "I'm more worried about you."
"Me?" Yixing pulls back a bit to wipe his tears on his sleeve, catching his breath when Wu Fan does it for him with his thumbs. He feels fragile under Wu Fan's touch, breakable.
Wu Fan examines his face, and Yixing can see worry in his eyes. "Didn't you say they're getting harder to wake up from? You should be more concerned for your health, at least. It's destroying you, I've seen you squint at the board in Cell Biology. It's harder to see, isn't it?"
Yixing shifts uncomfortable. "Maybe a little bit," he says softly.
"And your hands," Wu Fan says. "You keep dropping things. Pens, usually. I know you're not naturally that clumsy."
Yixing bites his lip, unwilling to face the signs of gradual deterioration even when Wu Fan forces him to. "I'm fine."
"Don't say that," Wu Fan snaps, and Yixing flinches at the bite in his tone. "I'm sorry," Wu Fan says immediately, pulling Yixing back so he fits against Wu Fan's side again, the blanket pooling around their laps. The vision of the snowy accident seems so far away now.
"I--I'm scared," Yixing confesses into Wu Fan's shoulder.
"I know, I'm here," Wu Fan says, and his voice is so sure Yixing can't help but want to believe him. "I won't let this thing crush you."
The word is out of Yixing's mouth before he can overthink it and stop himself, so desperate to be petty and needy for once. "Promise?"
Wu Fan tightens the arm around Yixing's shoulders. "I promise."
✰
It gets easier after that, if Yixing doesn't let himself think about how it's getting harder.
He spends enough time with Wu Fan at his side that Lu Han calls them boyfriends and Yixing isn't quite sure whether he's teasing or being serious. It just might be actually okay, though, when Yixing can turn into Wu Fan's body and look like he's just soaking in Wu Fan's warmth, which always easily washes away the chill of the latest vision. If Wu Fan isn't there to hold him, he always is there afterwards, and Yixing finds solace in Wu Fan's unshakable presence. It's still hard, it's always hard, but maybe Yixing is finding a way to grow around it rather than just let himself be knocked down every time.
With Wu Fan there at his side, reading a book quietly during a break from studying in Wu Fan's dorm room, Yixing finds that he can take out his phone and call the number his mother's psychiatrist gave him weeks ago.
"Hello?" his mother answers. She sounds soft and a bit shaky, but all right.
"Um," Yixing says, and Wu Fan looks up from his book to give him an encouraging smile. "Mama, it's me. Yixing."
"Yixing!" she exclaims, and she sounds vibrant, happy to hear from her son, better for the first time in ages. He's happy, too, telling her eagerly about all his classes and friends--Wu Fan, as Lu Han predicted, persuaded him to come meet Jongdae and a fellow first-year named Zitao properly--and that he's doing all right, too. He even has Wu Fan say hello to her, and he makes her laugh.
The first time he has a dream about Wu Fan is out of nowhere, the day after Wu Fan kisses him for the first time, filling the place where he almost feels like a vision should take place instead. It comes as expected, when he is in sleep, but seems too strikingly realistic to be conjured by his mind. He's never seen an ocean landscape, after all, never really wanted to swim after he had a vision about someone drowning when he was thirteen. But it's a warm summer day, calm and hot without being humid, and Wu Fan is laughing and pulling Yixing by the hand, skin flushed with the beginnings of a sunburn. A pair of sunglasses are perched on his head, and they're both in swim trunks, skin against skin when Yixing stumbles into Wu Fan.
When Yixing wakes, he can still taste the salt in the air. He holds the memory of the beach close all day, smiling and leaning his head against Wu Fan's shoulder when the other asks him what's put him in such a good mood.
But as the dreams filter in, the seizures are getting worse. The worry is stronger than ever when he looks up into Wu Fan's eyes, his hands swallowed up in Wu Fan's broad-knuckled ones, and he has to make sure not to lie or pretend when he answers Wu Fan's urgent demands of "Are you okay? Still cold?" Wu Fan starts carrying energy drinks in his bag for Yixing, even when Yixing insists he can take care of himself, and they've taken to holding hands.
"You really like him, don't you?" Lu Han asks Yixing one night, weeks after the first coffee date while they are beginning to study for their exams at the end of the semester. The heating is cranked up as high as it will go, but Yixing is still burrowed into his scarf and missing Wu Fan's warmth.
"Yes," Yixing tells him.
✰
They've just finished their last final, Yixing stretching his arms over his head and yawning; his last energy drink, this time for the all-nighter he had to study for calculus rather than recovery from a vision, is wearing off. He slips through the crowds of students chattering excitedly about what they're going to do during the winter break, finding the second year classroom for Ancient History.
Wu Fan walks out of the classroom after a couple of minutes, talking to Lu Han, and breaks into a smile when he sees Yixing. When he sees Yixing as well, Lu Han gives the two of them a cheeky smile and wishes them a good break, excusing himself to go find Minseok.
"Have you packed yet, to go home?" Wu Fan asks Yixing, holding his hand out.
Yixing takes it with his own, blushes when Wu Fan intertwines their fingers slowly. The campus is beginning to clear out already, everyone returning to their room for last-minute packing. "Yes, almost done. And you?"
"Mostly," Wu Fan shrugs. They walk back to the dorms together, stopping by the cafe for a drink each to go; the boy behind the counter already knows them on sight, ringing them up for the usual before either of them can even speak.
When they walk into Wu Fan's room, Yixing has to stifle a laugh at the clothes strewn across most of the floor and all over the furniture. "Mostly done?" he asks.
Wu Fan sighs, staring into his half-empty suitcase. "Maybe only partly. Help me?"
With four hands available, they make quick work of the laundry Wu Fan was too lazy to put away during the crush of finals, Yixing folding and Wu Fan struggling to put them all into his single suitcase. Conversation flows on and off until they're done, the toiletries the only thing left to pack.
"You are the best boyfriend," Wu Fan declares, tugging Yixing to him and kissing him on the temple.
"I better be the only one," Yixing teases, and the cliche words taste sweet on his tongue, his body warm where he's touching Wu Fan.
The vision is swift and terrible, Yixing's defenses down after letting himself get lost in Wu Fan's easy company, and it actually would have knocked him to the floor if Wu Fan didn't catch him in time. He feels the cold settle in, eyes blanking out and fingers losing sensation, and catches his breath when the images start appearing.
Everything is startlingly clear. There's Wu Fan, just as he'd feared, standing before him, and for the first time, there are words. It's over, Wu Fan says to him in the vision. I can't take care of you forever, and I don't need you anymore. I'm sick of helping you--of saving you. I can't let you chain me down.
Yixing's worst fear is no longer what the visions do to him anymore, it's that Wu Fan will come to the eventual realization that there's nothing here for him with Yixing. That Yixing just might be going blind and falling apart with every one of these things, and that there must be countless people better for Wu Fan, more deserving of Wu Fan, out there while Wu Fan stays by his side. That he's not the one who deserves these soothing touches and tender kisses. He emerges from the vision gasping, tears filling his eyes, and Wu Fan's grip on his wrists is suddenly terrifying, suffocating. "Let me go!"
"Yixing?" Wu Fan asks in alarm. "What's wrong? What did you see?"
"Don't," Yixing chokes out, stumbling back and dropping to the ground in front of the bed. "I--I can't do this right now."
Wu Fan squats before him, but Yixing flinches back from his hands so hard that Wu Fan withdraws them as if he's been burned. "Yixing, talk to me. Please. You've never..."
The tension is so loud but words, words like "I know you're going to leave me" and "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to let you go," choke Yixing so hard he starts crying, hating himself for being so weak. This time, he lets Wu Fan hold him, knowing that these touches are short-lived, that maybe he should start counting.
"I saw you leaving," he whispers into Wu Fan's chest. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Wu Fan asks, pulling back so he can look Yixing in the face, his eyes so intent. "Yixing, I've never had someone like you in my life before. You're always so kind and understanding and so, so humble, and I've never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with you before. You're not the only one in this relationship, okay? I'm not going anywhere."
"What if someday--" Yixing starts, but Wu Fan shushes him.
"There's always a someday or a somehow. And I don't know if I can convince you otherwise. But I am going to prove to you that the future isn't set in stone, and that this vision isn't going to happen. I promise," Wu Fan says, his face determined in a way Yixing has never seen anyone look, ever before.
When Yixing still looks skeptical, and still a bit teary, Wu Fan uncurls Yixing's hand from his shirt and winds their pinkies together softly. "Okay?"
Yixing looks down at their linked hands, breath catching in his throat. It's still winter, and they haven't been able to see the sun and the beach yet. "Okay."
part one
Saturday morning, Yixing is jerked away by a vision of a hurricane destroying home after home in lethal wash of water and wonders whether their inhabitants have evacuated in time. Natural disasters, at least, are beyond his control. "Whoa, hey," he hears Lu Han say. "Are you all right?"
"Yes," he whispers, sitting up and willing desperately for his eyes to work so he can find Lu Han and nod, reassure him that nothing is wrong with Yixing.
A weight sinks down the foot of Yixing's bed when Lu Han sits down, and Yixing lifts his face as his sight filters back. He squints, finds Lu Han's face, and offers a wan smile. "Good morning," Yixing says.
"Nightmare?" Lu Han asks, sympathetic and sweet. Glad for the easy excuse, Yixing nods and stumbles out of bed for a clean changes of clothes.
"Want me to wait up for you so we can go down to breakfast together?" Lu Han asks, and Yixing notices his hair is clean and blow dried, settling softly on the collar of his shirt.
Yixing hesitates. "Yes, please," he says, and hurries into the bathroom, aware he is running late; the vision must have blocked out the sound of his alarm clock. The water is still readily hot from Lu Han's shower, and Yixing moves as quickly as he can so his roommate won't have to wait. His body disagrees with being pushed so hard after a fresh vision, and he drops the soap more than once. When he bends to pick it up, his back and legs ache.
When they reach the lobby of the dorm, Minseok is waiting for them. Lu Han curls a hand around Minseok's shoulder, fingers resting persistently against Minseok's neck, and Yixing notices Minseok lean into the touch absently. He knows how they work, from Lu Han and just from watching them orbit around each other like two lost stars who have found a gravitational pull like home. He knows how Lu Han reaches out to everyone but himself, pulling Minseok forward because he believes his boyfriend deserves more--"too compassionate for his own good," Minseok has told Yixing during one of those moments they're waiting quietly for Lu Han to catch up after being pulled into conversation by a passing acquaintance. He sees Lu Han's fear of abandonment when the boy curls a hand around Minseok's wrist, sees Minseok touch a hand to Lu Han's shoulder like he's reassuring him that yes, he's here. Yixing has never been so comfortable and affectionate with anyone, hardly even been able to make his mother smile anymore, and can't help but feel envy.
After breakfast, Yixing lets Lu Han pull him along when Lu Han and Minseok go to the library to work on the assignments they've been given over the weekend. They've only just settled into a quiet corner when Lu Han peers into his bag and sighs, upset.
"What is it?" Minseok asks, looking up from his notebook.
"I forgot my laptop charger in the dorm room," Lu Han says. "I'll go get it."
"I can do it," Yixing volunteers, and stands, putting his bag on the table. "I left something behind, too, anyways."
Lu Han looks at him in surprise. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course," Yixing says, withdrawing his room key and wallet from his bag. "I'll be back in a a few minutes."
"Thank you, Yixing!" Lu Han calls after him as Yixing slips out of the library and makes his way back to the dorm room. Lu Han's laptop charger is easily retrieved from under his desk, and Yixing collects the supplementary novel and its accompanying annotations from his bedside dresser, having had forgotten he'd put them there before going to sleep. One quick check of the room so he won't have to make another trip back, and Yixing picks up his cell phone from his shelf and carefully locks up, walking back to the library.
He's almost at the door when a tall boy walks out of it, pausing to hold the door open for him. "Thank you," he says out of politeness.
"Yixing?" Wu Fan says in surprise, and Yixing's eyes dart up to the face he's seen so many times now after a vision. At least this time wasn't like that, he tells himself determinedly.
"Ah, hello," he says, looking away and trying to edge into the safety of the library, but Wu Fan catches onto his elbow.
"Wait," Wu Fan says, then hesitates. "Yixing, wait. Can I have a moment of your time?"
"I--I need to--" Yixing gestures weakly toward Lu Han and Minseok in the library, who can probably see them at the library doors.
"It won't take long," Wu Fan says firmly, and tugs him a ways down the quiet corridor.
He's going to ask about the visions, Yixing thinks frantically. And I won't be able to run away this time and he'll want to know everything and I don't think I can talk about it, not again, I don't think I can do this--
Wu Fan waits until Yixing looks away from the phone and charger and papers in his hands. "Do you want to get coffee with me sometime?" he asks.
"What?" Yixing stammers, taken aback.
"Coffee. I hope you like to drink it, maybe we could get some tomorrow morning," Wu Fan says patiently. "Or whatever day you're free."
"You--you're asking me out?" Yixing blurts, then blushes. It's one thing to want secrets, it's another to want something else--unless Wu Fan has ulterior motives and wants to get under his skin and break Yixing from inside out when asking?
"I won't... I won't ask about that thing that happens to you, whatever it is. I just want to spend some time with you that isn't, well, on the way to the nurse's office or something," Wu Fan says, studying Yixing's face with something akin to hope. "Okay?"
Maybe Lu Han made him do it, Yixing thinks. He can't do this. He can't bear to let someone close again. What if he sees Wu Fan in the next vision and everything falls apart in his hands? He can't pick all the pieces up again when there are still other shards to collect. "Can I think about it?" he asks at last.
Wu Fan looks almost disappointed for a moment, but lets him go. "Sure. Do you text?"
"Yes?" Yixing says, and as Wu Fan takes his cell phone from his hands, he can only watch Wu Fan putting in his own number and calling it. A ringtone emanates from Wu Fan's bag, muffled by cloth, and Wu Fan puts the phone back into Yixing's loose grasp.
"Let me know," he says, and turns away before Yixing can reply. It takes a moment before Yixing can connect what just happened, opening his phone to find a new contact. By the time he sits back down at the table where Lu Han and Minseok are working at, handing the charger to Lu Han absently, he's paying more attention to his cell phone than his supplementary book.
Minseok sighs long-sufferingly, and Yixing looks up to see a smile curling at Lu Han's lips. "What?" he asks tentatively.
"Well?" Lu Han asks, expectant gaze on Yixing's face. "Are you getting coffee with him?"
"You know?" Yixing asks, feeling embarrassed without being sure he needs to be. It shouldn't surprise him that Lu Han would know, seeing as Lu Han is friends with Wu Fan. This type of thing is just so unfamiliar to him.
"Of course," Lu Han says, like it's obvious. "I don't know what you've done to him, but I've never seen him so into coffee. You do like it, don't you? I know you have it at breakfast."
"It's all right," Yixing says faintly. He might still be blushing.
It takes him a couple days to text Wu Fan; Wu Fan obviously won't do it first, intent on not pushing Yixing away farther and suddenly Yixing has a whole new reason to look away from Wu Fan during Cell Biology labs.
He still hasn't come to a decision--has been avoiding considering Wu Fan and coffee and dates all together--by the time Lu Han flops onto Yixing's bed on Tuesday night, face next to Yixing's thigh. The first time this happened, Yixing had carefully scooted back and pretended he hadn't seen the hurt in Lu Han's eyes, but weeks have passed into months since Yixing first arrived onto this campus and Yixing no longer flinches away.
"Yixing," Lu Han whines, peering up at him as if he isn't Yixing's senior in age and lessons.
"Yes?" Yixing says indulgently, looking up from his novel. He's almost done, and enjoying it more than he'd expected, seeing as it was homework rather than leisure.
Lu Han deposits Yixing's cell phone onto his stomach. "Have you texted Wu Fan yet? Please?"
"Lu Han," Yixing complains, anxiety catching in his throat underneath the playful front he tries to keep in place. "I've--I've been busy."
"He really likes you, I think," Lu Han mumbles. "You should give him a chance."
"It's not him, it's just that I don't think I'm ready for...for something like this," Yixing says, but his voice refuses to come out louder than a whisper.
"He hasn't said anything, but I can tell," Lu Han says, putting the cell phone into Yixing's hand with a beseeching look. "He asks me if you're doing all right and it's hard for him, he's never tried so much for someone he doesn't know very well, and I think--I think he'd be good for you. If you let him."
"Never tried?" Yixing asks, and wonders if it's too late to snatch back the curiosity.
"He never used to look outside our group," Lu Han says earnestly. "I've known him since we were kids and he's--he's not the type to just approve of anyone. Much less care for their well being."
Yixing bites his lip and looks down at the phone, and Lu Han sits up to give him space. "He doesn't know I'm telling you this," Lu Han adds, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them. "He'd be mad at me, even if I'm meddling for his own good."
"I'd be good for him?" Yixing whispers. He slides his phone open and clicks his way to Wu Fan's contact information, new text.
"I think so," Lu Han says. "And he'd be good for you. You never join us for study sessions, but maybe he'll be better at persuading you than I am."
"It's not you," Yixing says guiltily, but Lu Han waves his apology away and gestures at his cell phone insistently.
Yixing's cheeks burn, but he taps out the words, would coffee tomorrow at 8 be okay? then pauses. "Is eight o'clock too early?" he asks Lu Han nervously, who laughs at him and shakes his head no. He hits sent and immediately feels like hiding, pulling his pillow to his body and throwing the phone into Lu Han's lap.
"He replied!" Lu Han says excitedly, tossing the cell phone back, and Yixing just barely manages to catch it, hands trembling from nerves and maybe a bit of anticipation and nothing like the fatigue that holds after a vision. He reads: sure, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.
"It's long," Lu Han says, peering at the screen himself. "I knew he liked you."
"What have you done," Yixing says, gazing at the text in horror.
✰
Yixing is awake before his alarm and paces fretfully enough that he wakes Lu Han up, who laughs and throws a pillow at him. In the shower, he gets a vision of a gunshot to the head and needs to turn the water on as hot as it goes to warm himself afterwards. Lu Han, thankfully, blames how pale he looks on pre-date jitters.
"Where's my wallet?" Yixing asks Lu Han, upending his bed and desk in search for it.
"Here!" Lu Han bends to pick it up from where it's fallen to the ground by Yixing's bed and Yixing crosses the room to take it from him thankfully. "You won't need it, though. He's taking you out."
Yixing flushes and puts the wallet into his coat pocket, picking up his bag. "Just in case," he says, and Lu Han ushers him out of the dorm room even as he's putting on his scarf.
He gets to the cafe on the other side of the plaza from the cafeteria, just as Wu Fan had told him to, a few minutes early. Two bells looped over the handle jingle as he pushes open the door, and he steps into a warm, festively decorated room.
Wu Fan, it turns out, was even earlier, standing when he sees Yixing and beckoning. A cup with its lid off to let the contents cool is in front of him on the table, and Yixing looks at it curiously, taking in the scent of coffee beans. Wu Fan says apologetically, "I've been here for the past ten minutes, so I thought I'd just get something first. Here, what do you want?"
Yixing notices the wallet, leather in Wu Fan's hand, and fumbles for his own self-consciously, but Wu Fan puts his free hand on Yixing's arm to stop him. "Um--a cappuccino then. Vanilla bean," Yixing says, embarrassed. "Medium size?"
"Got it," Wu Fan says, and stands to approach the cashier. To Yixing's relief, the line is short, and the boy behind the counter brings the drink quickly.
"Thank you," Yixing says, wrapping his fingers around the drink when Wu Fan sets it before him and sits down across from him; the booth Wu Fan chose is intimate, but the warm coffee chases away the last bite of cold in Yixing's hands and he relaxes a bit.
It's not that bad after that. They sit in an awkward, unsure silence until Wu Fan asks after his classes, how he's doing after joining halfway through the year. Yixing laughs often and eventually his tongue stops stumbling over itself, soothed by sips of his drink, and he even agrees to let Wu Fan tutor him sometime when he admits he's having difficulty with calculus. He hasn't had an opportunity to ask his professor his questions yet, and this will be easier, probably. Maybe better, with Wu Fan's gentle, patient eyes and sure hands. Yixing has never felt so warm.
They stand together once Yixing drains the last drops of his cappuccino, Wu Fan having finished his latte earlier, and Yixing notes the time--almost time for morning classes to start.
Yixing drops his empty cup into the trash can, waits for Wu Fan to do the same as he buttons up his coat. He's pushing the door of the cafe open, shivering at the gust of cool air that greets him, when a vision suddenly chokes Yixing and sends him stumbling.
It's snowing already, tires slip on ice, and suddenly Yixing is tumbling down a mountain slope, trapped in the metal compartment of a car, to a fatal end. The cold is the worst part, as if Wu Fan and the cafe never existed, existed in his imagination, a past life, and Yixing is afraid his bones will freeze him from inside out and he'll never wake up again. There was no warning this time again, and Yixing struggles harder than ever because he can't do this to Wu Fan again. He can't, not after the nicest date he's ever had.
When he comes to, hiccuping with his upset and shaking, it's against Wu Fan's solid body. "I got you," Wu Fan says lowly, walking them forward at a brisk pace; Yixing's legs only just manage to follow. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry," Yixing says, the apology falling from his lips before he can say "I'm fine" instead. And for once, he isn't lying when Wu Fan asks him that. "I'm so sorry," he repeats, realizing he is near tears.
"Shhh, don't," Wu Fan whispers. They walk farther, entering a building, and Yixing abruptly notices this isn't the science wing--it's the first floor of the dorm, and Wu Fan is fumbling for his back pocket.
"Wu Fan?" he asks, beginning to panic.
Wu Fan stops and struggles to unlock one of the dorm rooms with his left hand when he is holding Yixing to his right side, and Yixing trips forward when Wu Fan pushes the door open with his left hip.
"Wait, I--we--we have class--" Yixing stammers as Wu Fan shuts the door behind them. He's still trembling, too weak to struggle when Wu Fan gently pushes him onto the single bed in the room.
He's never been in another person's room before; even that time he and Lu Han went to Minseok's room to call him down for breakfast one weekend, Yixing hadn't stepped inside, just stammered a greeting to Minseok's roommate, Jongdae, who was too sleepy to say much in reply. Almost against his will, Yixing sits on the bed and peers around him as Wu Fan takes off his jacket and fetches something from the bathroom.
"Oh!" Yixing says in surprise as Wu Fan drapes a thick quilt over his shoulders, sitting heavily beside him. "Th-thank you."
"You're welcome," Wu Fan says, and just looks at him for a moment. The scrutiny makes Yixing want to look away, but the moment he's been dreading is upon them and he owes this to Wu Fan now. Wu Fan's gaze makes Yixing want to draw back into his skin and hide until there's only a limp mass under the blanket, and he's only told this to one other person after he foretold the death of her husband. It's so hard to find the right words.
Yixing swallows, and lets Wu Fan take his hand. "Yixing," Wu Fan says, pauses to take a deep breath. "Please."
Tears are rising in his eyes already, and Yixing wonders when he fooled himself into thinking that he was better, that he was strong again when he never was. "I get--I have visions."
He stops, but Wu Fan doesn't speak. Just keeps looking him with those clear, patient eyes.
"I have visions and every time--every time you've had to help me was because of the seizures. I get so cold, and my eyesight goes and the only thing I can see or think about are the pictures." Yixing stops again, waiting for Wu Fan to walk away, to call him a liar and force him out of his room.
"Go on," Wu Fan says instead.
Yixing closes his eyes. "I always--I always see bad things." He recalls crimson staining gold and has to swallow hard. "Sometimes, it's no big deal, but sometimes, I can see people die, and it hurts because I can't save them. There's no way to save them if I don't know who they are, or where they live, or when these things will even happen to them. I've seen murder and freak accidents and natural disasters, and it's still so painful."
"Yixing..."
He shakes his head, still refusing to look Wu Fan in the face. "And what scares me the most is so selfish, but I can't help it. It takes longer for me to find myself every time this happens to me. I can't see and I can't stand, and that's okay if I'm alone but--but you won't always be there to save me when I'm in public."
"I can try," Wu Fan says fiercely.
"It's not possible," Yixing cries, wrenching his hand back. "You don't understand. I've seen my father die before my very eyes and then have it happen in real life, what makes you think I can let you be around me?"
The silence pierces through Yixing like his mother's tears had, a vision still so recent burning at his eyes. He'd been in his homeroom class seven years after Xin Xin had died, seen the car swerve and screen and careen into his father's car. Died on impact, they'd told him and his mother when they'd rescued the body from the wreckage, but he was still dead. Once the anchor of their family had disappeared and set them adrift, every warning, every time Yixing had made his parents promise to take care on the road, had gone to waste. Three weeks of promises, broken just like that.
His family had crumbled, his mother spending more and more time with her various doctors and therapists than with her only son. Yixing packed his bags for the boarding school his mother's psychiatrist had recommended, and wondered whether survivor's guilt was the name of the weight on his shoulders, around his throat. He had seen the death, known who it would happen to, yet hadn't saved him.
"I didn't save him," Yixing chokes out, and he didn't realize he was crying until Wu Fan wraps him into his arms and his tears soak straight into Wu Fan's shirt collar.
"I can take care of myself, and you," Wu Fan says. "And I can't save your father, but I can tell you it's not your fault you didn't stop him. If this was his fate, then you can only keep moving on."
"I should have saved him. Warned him more or kept him from going to work, something. It could have been prevented," Yixing says tearfully.
"What if he wasn't going to work? What if that vision had been him on the way to the post office, or the supermarket? Yixing, you can't change the past, and you can't blame yourself for it either," Wu Fan insists. "I'm more worried about you."
"Me?" Yixing pulls back a bit to wipe his tears on his sleeve, catching his breath when Wu Fan does it for him with his thumbs. He feels fragile under Wu Fan's touch, breakable.
Wu Fan examines his face, and Yixing can see worry in his eyes. "Didn't you say they're getting harder to wake up from? You should be more concerned for your health, at least. It's destroying you, I've seen you squint at the board in Cell Biology. It's harder to see, isn't it?"
Yixing shifts uncomfortable. "Maybe a little bit," he says softly.
"And your hands," Wu Fan says. "You keep dropping things. Pens, usually. I know you're not naturally that clumsy."
Yixing bites his lip, unwilling to face the signs of gradual deterioration even when Wu Fan forces him to. "I'm fine."
"Don't say that," Wu Fan snaps, and Yixing flinches at the bite in his tone. "I'm sorry," Wu Fan says immediately, pulling Yixing back so he fits against Wu Fan's side again, the blanket pooling around their laps. The vision of the snowy accident seems so far away now.
"I--I'm scared," Yixing confesses into Wu Fan's shoulder.
"I know, I'm here," Wu Fan says, and his voice is so sure Yixing can't help but want to believe him. "I won't let this thing crush you."
The word is out of Yixing's mouth before he can overthink it and stop himself, so desperate to be petty and needy for once. "Promise?"
Wu Fan tightens the arm around Yixing's shoulders. "I promise."
✰
It gets easier after that, if Yixing doesn't let himself think about how it's getting harder.
He spends enough time with Wu Fan at his side that Lu Han calls them boyfriends and Yixing isn't quite sure whether he's teasing or being serious. It just might be actually okay, though, when Yixing can turn into Wu Fan's body and look like he's just soaking in Wu Fan's warmth, which always easily washes away the chill of the latest vision. If Wu Fan isn't there to hold him, he always is there afterwards, and Yixing finds solace in Wu Fan's unshakable presence. It's still hard, it's always hard, but maybe Yixing is finding a way to grow around it rather than just let himself be knocked down every time.
With Wu Fan there at his side, reading a book quietly during a break from studying in Wu Fan's dorm room, Yixing finds that he can take out his phone and call the number his mother's psychiatrist gave him weeks ago.
"Hello?" his mother answers. She sounds soft and a bit shaky, but all right.
"Um," Yixing says, and Wu Fan looks up from his book to give him an encouraging smile. "Mama, it's me. Yixing."
"Yixing!" she exclaims, and she sounds vibrant, happy to hear from her son, better for the first time in ages. He's happy, too, telling her eagerly about all his classes and friends--Wu Fan, as Lu Han predicted, persuaded him to come meet Jongdae and a fellow first-year named Zitao properly--and that he's doing all right, too. He even has Wu Fan say hello to her, and he makes her laugh.
The first time he has a dream about Wu Fan is out of nowhere, the day after Wu Fan kisses him for the first time, filling the place where he almost feels like a vision should take place instead. It comes as expected, when he is in sleep, but seems too strikingly realistic to be conjured by his mind. He's never seen an ocean landscape, after all, never really wanted to swim after he had a vision about someone drowning when he was thirteen. But it's a warm summer day, calm and hot without being humid, and Wu Fan is laughing and pulling Yixing by the hand, skin flushed with the beginnings of a sunburn. A pair of sunglasses are perched on his head, and they're both in swim trunks, skin against skin when Yixing stumbles into Wu Fan.
When Yixing wakes, he can still taste the salt in the air. He holds the memory of the beach close all day, smiling and leaning his head against Wu Fan's shoulder when the other asks him what's put him in such a good mood.
But as the dreams filter in, the seizures are getting worse. The worry is stronger than ever when he looks up into Wu Fan's eyes, his hands swallowed up in Wu Fan's broad-knuckled ones, and he has to make sure not to lie or pretend when he answers Wu Fan's urgent demands of "Are you okay? Still cold?" Wu Fan starts carrying energy drinks in his bag for Yixing, even when Yixing insists he can take care of himself, and they've taken to holding hands.
"You really like him, don't you?" Lu Han asks Yixing one night, weeks after the first coffee date while they are beginning to study for their exams at the end of the semester. The heating is cranked up as high as it will go, but Yixing is still burrowed into his scarf and missing Wu Fan's warmth.
"Yes," Yixing tells him.
✰
They've just finished their last final, Yixing stretching his arms over his head and yawning; his last energy drink, this time for the all-nighter he had to study for calculus rather than recovery from a vision, is wearing off. He slips through the crowds of students chattering excitedly about what they're going to do during the winter break, finding the second year classroom for Ancient History.
Wu Fan walks out of the classroom after a couple of minutes, talking to Lu Han, and breaks into a smile when he sees Yixing. When he sees Yixing as well, Lu Han gives the two of them a cheeky smile and wishes them a good break, excusing himself to go find Minseok.
"Have you packed yet, to go home?" Wu Fan asks Yixing, holding his hand out.
Yixing takes it with his own, blushes when Wu Fan intertwines their fingers slowly. The campus is beginning to clear out already, everyone returning to their room for last-minute packing. "Yes, almost done. And you?"
"Mostly," Wu Fan shrugs. They walk back to the dorms together, stopping by the cafe for a drink each to go; the boy behind the counter already knows them on sight, ringing them up for the usual before either of them can even speak.
When they walk into Wu Fan's room, Yixing has to stifle a laugh at the clothes strewn across most of the floor and all over the furniture. "Mostly done?" he asks.
Wu Fan sighs, staring into his half-empty suitcase. "Maybe only partly. Help me?"
With four hands available, they make quick work of the laundry Wu Fan was too lazy to put away during the crush of finals, Yixing folding and Wu Fan struggling to put them all into his single suitcase. Conversation flows on and off until they're done, the toiletries the only thing left to pack.
"You are the best boyfriend," Wu Fan declares, tugging Yixing to him and kissing him on the temple.
"I better be the only one," Yixing teases, and the cliche words taste sweet on his tongue, his body warm where he's touching Wu Fan.
The vision is swift and terrible, Yixing's defenses down after letting himself get lost in Wu Fan's easy company, and it actually would have knocked him to the floor if Wu Fan didn't catch him in time. He feels the cold settle in, eyes blanking out and fingers losing sensation, and catches his breath when the images start appearing.
Everything is startlingly clear. There's Wu Fan, just as he'd feared, standing before him, and for the first time, there are words. It's over, Wu Fan says to him in the vision. I can't take care of you forever, and I don't need you anymore. I'm sick of helping you--of saving you. I can't let you chain me down.
Yixing's worst fear is no longer what the visions do to him anymore, it's that Wu Fan will come to the eventual realization that there's nothing here for him with Yixing. That Yixing just might be going blind and falling apart with every one of these things, and that there must be countless people better for Wu Fan, more deserving of Wu Fan, out there while Wu Fan stays by his side. That he's not the one who deserves these soothing touches and tender kisses. He emerges from the vision gasping, tears filling his eyes, and Wu Fan's grip on his wrists is suddenly terrifying, suffocating. "Let me go!"
"Yixing?" Wu Fan asks in alarm. "What's wrong? What did you see?"
"Don't," Yixing chokes out, stumbling back and dropping to the ground in front of the bed. "I--I can't do this right now."
Wu Fan squats before him, but Yixing flinches back from his hands so hard that Wu Fan withdraws them as if he's been burned. "Yixing, talk to me. Please. You've never..."
The tension is so loud but words, words like "I know you're going to leave me" and "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to let you go," choke Yixing so hard he starts crying, hating himself for being so weak. This time, he lets Wu Fan hold him, knowing that these touches are short-lived, that maybe he should start counting.
"I saw you leaving," he whispers into Wu Fan's chest. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Wu Fan asks, pulling back so he can look Yixing in the face, his eyes so intent. "Yixing, I've never had someone like you in my life before. You're always so kind and understanding and so, so humble, and I've never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with you before. You're not the only one in this relationship, okay? I'm not going anywhere."
"What if someday--" Yixing starts, but Wu Fan shushes him.
"There's always a someday or a somehow. And I don't know if I can convince you otherwise. But I am going to prove to you that the future isn't set in stone, and that this vision isn't going to happen. I promise," Wu Fan says, his face determined in a way Yixing has never seen anyone look, ever before.
When Yixing still looks skeptical, and still a bit teary, Wu Fan uncurls Yixing's hand from his shirt and winds their pinkies together softly. "Okay?"
Yixing looks down at their linked hands, breath catching in his throat. It's still winter, and they haven't been able to see the sun and the beach yet. "Okay."