FIC: The Things That Keep Us Here
Title: The Things That Keep Us Here
Rating: PG
Length: 3,269
Pairing(s): Cinna/Avox girl, Cinna/Katniss
Summary: In the Capitol, the Hunger Games are played a different way.
[See the end of the fic for notes.]
Cinna follows Lola to the roof, just as he does every year. The breeze catches her hair, tossing it in all directions. Lola stands dangerously close to the ledge. The howl of the wind covers any sound she might make, but Cinna knows she's crying. He gently pulls her into his arms, just as he does every year. Lola cries for the twenty-three children who died this year. She also cries for the one child who didn't.
Lola has hated the Hunger Games all her life. She learned quickly to hide that from the world, but she doesn't pretend with Cinna. Every year, after the last tribute dies and a victor emerges, she slips away to the roof to grieve. "One thousand, six hundred, fifty-seven." She keeps count of the lives stolen. Her eyes are dark as her hands find his.
Downstairs there are celebrations, but Lola and Cinna won't be missed. Everyone downstairs believes they escape to the roof to be alone, to enjoy a private moment together. They're sweethearts, after all, the people below whisper conspiratorially to one another, inseparable since childhood. They wink at each other and giggle over what they imagine Cinna and Lola are up to. They're clueless, blissfully ignorant.
There are few grassy havens in the Capitol, as so much has been transformed to concrete and steel, but there are a handful of spots set aside for citizens to picnic at whenever the fancy strikes. A bit of nostalgia for Panem's favorite citizens.
There's one only three blocks from Cinna's flat, so he and Lola often meet there. She lies with her head in his lap, playing with the grass, watching clouds pass by. He curls her red hair around his fingers. These are their happiest moments because Lola can remember for a few precious minutes that there's still beauty in the world.
They're a strange pair, he knows. Neither Cinna nor Lola have had significant alterations-her silver eyeliner matches his gold-and both speak with a muted variation of the Capitol dialect. Their dialect is found in the far eastern sector of the city, a shallow valley with buildings that stretch toward the heavens. These buildings stand as tall as those in the central part of the city, despite the lower sea-level. The Capitol funnels large sums toward upkeep every year, but to no avail. The buildings aren't sturdy; no one wants to live or work in them. As a result, the valley has fewer people and businesses than the rest of the Capitol, and is therefore poorer. The largest population in the valley is orphans, children whose parents chose drugs over them. This is where Cinna met Lola.
It was Lola who showed him that the Hunger Games were terrible. Most kids at the orphanage were like the rest of the Capitol-they loved the Games-and for a time, Cinna was too. Games season was something the entire Capitol shared, no matter where the person lived. Then Lola came along, unable to even pretend to enjoy the Games. When he asked her why, she told him that she didn't have much in life, but she had safety and security. She would never be expected to kill or be killed. Whatever she wanted for, there were thousands of children who wanted for more. The next time he watched the Games, all Cinna saw was starvation and fear.
He wonders sometimes what would have become of his soul had it not been for Lola.
A warm breeze swells around them. Lola's eyes close. She smiles. Cinna is sure he would be utterly lost without her. Her eyes open and meet his. I love you, he thinks but doesn't say.
One thousand, six hundred, eighty. It rains in the Capitol the night 72nd Hunger Games end.
"I want to leave," Lola whispers. They're holding each other as the rain soaks them. Her breath is warm but stuttered against his ear.
"Where do you want to go?" There will be many places open right now, but all of them will be full of people celebrating the Games.
She hesitates only a moment. "District Thirteen."
Cinna feels sick. "Lola, there's no District Thirteen. Remember? We've seen the footage."
She shakes her head. "Something isn't right. I want to find out what."
"It's thousands of miles away! You can't be serious." He steps back to look at her. Her eyes are dark and somber. "You can't, Lola."
"No, Cinna. You can't."
"What if you're wrong?"
"I don't know. I just know there has to be more than the twelve districts and the Capitol."
"You just want there to be more," he tries to reason, "but there isn't."
Heartbreak is finding its way to Lola's features, heartbreak and disappointment. "I have to know."
"What about Leo?" Cinna doesn't know why he asks that question. Leo is Lola's younger brother. He shares all of his sister's opinions on the Capitol and the Hunger Games. If Lola has decided to leave, Leo has as well. But what's happening now is terrifying; he has to keep her standing there. He doesn't give her time to answer his question. "You don't have to go. We can find another way to fight this."
"I'm sorry, Cinna."
She hides her face in the crook of his neck. He has no choice but to hold her as long as he can.
Six weeks later, he follows her onto the roof for the last time. The sun has just set. Night in the Capitol has begun. People will be out eating and drinking till dawn. No one will notice when Lola and Leo disappear in the chaos.
Lola has slept the entire day and taken one of the Capitol's energy boosters in order to prepare for her first night on the run.
She kisses him the moment she sees him. Her kisses are wild and frenzied. She clings to him. He returns her kisses with equal passion, losing his fingers in that beautiful red hair he fears he'll never touch again. "I love you," she says over and over. They nap under a thin blanket off her old bed.
She's gone when he wakes. There's a slip of paper in Cinna's hand which reads: We'll see each other again. He dresses quickly, then stands on the ledge. He lets the wind carry the slip of paper away.
Cinna sits in silence on his couch until dawn. When the sun has fully risen, he makes the phone call. He recites his story perfectly, how he met Lola on the roof and woke to find her gone. This was also her idea. She doesn't believe in his choice of rebellion, but she does believe in him. She doesn't want him to suffer for what she's done.
The inquiry is brief; the Peace Keepers are still foolish enough to believe that Lola and Leo had both gone mad. After all, who would want to leave the Capitol?
He begins his training as a Hunger Games stylist that afternoon.
The 73rd Hunger Games come and go-one thousand, seven hundred, three-and there are no rooftops to escape to. Cinna follows the other stylists to the post-Games celebrations, spread all across the center of the Capitol. He smiles and laughs the way he's supposed to and tries not to think of Lola. He wonders whether she's alive now. If she is, does she know what time of year it is? They started their Hunger Games tradition the year they turned twelve. The age of a District child's first reaping. This is the first time since then they haven't had each other to turn to.
Cinna returns to his flat as the sun slips over the horizon. He sits on his balcony to watch it rise. He takes in its warmth and for a moment, he's a child again, watching the skyscrapers appear as the sun passes over them. He feels safe, and it occurs to him that he's never known true fear. He wonders if he'll ever know what the children in the arena feel.
Suddenly feeling cold, he retreats to his living room. He sits at the desk and pulls a few sheets of paper from a drawer. He writes to Lola, telling her about the twenty-four children in this year's Games. Lola knew the names of the two hundred and forty children in the last ten games she watched. She always remembered them; if she was dead-and he had no reason to believe she wasn't-he had to remember for her.
The Hunger Games are approaching seventy-four years. Nearly two thousand children have become victims of the first rebellion. Cinna knows how the Districts must see the Capitol, a place full of thoughtless, selfish people who delight in watching two dozen children fight for survival every year. They're right.
But there's unrest too. There are men and women who haven't known life without the Games, people like Cinna, people who should be at ease with the annual sacrifice of children but aren't. There are whispers throughout the Capitol, but only those who choose to listen hear them. Cinna listens.
A Game Keeper called Plutarch Heavensbee reveals that District Twelve needs a new stylist. His tone is casual, and he's announcing this to a group of stylists, but Cinna has learned to listen to what this Game Keeper isn't saying. When Heavensbee catches his eye, Cinna nods.
As he watches the reaping ceremonies live, Cinna thinks that after this year, one thousand, seven hundred, twenty-six children will have died. He wonders if the Capitol's thirst for blood will ever be sated.
In District Twelve, a small girl called Primrose is replaced by her older sister. There's fire in Katniss Everdeen's eyes as she stands in her sister's place. This girl is thousands of miles away, but when she glares into the camera, Cinna is certain his life had changed again.
Cinna mostly thinks about Lola in the past tense: Lola would have liked this, or, Lola used to do that. The funny thing is, whenever he remembers her last message to him-we'll see each other again-he always believes it. He's always believed in Lola.
He doesn't expect her words to come true quite this way though:
The stylists always report to the Training Center the morning after the reapings. There's too much to prepare before the tributes arrive.
Upon entering the lobby, the stylists are assigned Avoxes to assist in carrying personal belongings to the appropriate quarters. Cinna and his fellow District Twelve stylist, a quiet woman called Portia, are assigned two middle-aged Avox men. The men lift their things easily and lead them to the elevators.
It happens just as the elevator doors begin to close. District Twelve's prep team-Venia, Flavius, and Octavia, a trio of overly dramatic Games-enthusiasts-arrive a moment too late with the Avoxes assigned to help them.
Cinna's eyes meet Lola's. It feels as though all the air has been pulled from his lungs. He struggles to keep his features blank, and he sees that Lola nearly drops some of Venia's things.
As soon as he's alone, Cinna is sick. Lola is alive, but a prisoner of the Capitol. She'll live out the rest of her days in silence, repaying her "debt" to the Capitol. So long as she behaves at the Games, he'll see her at the Training Center each year, but he'll never hold her again. He'll never hear her voice again. He'll never be allowed to have her by his side.
It's Lola's eyes that devastate him. Even looking at him, they're completely empty, completely without hope. Even if Cinna sees Lola every year for the rest of his life, it will be like seeing a ghost.
Katniss wears a mockingjay pin, a sign to those who whisper discontentedly in the Capitol, a sign to those who slave in the Districts. A sign to everyone but Katniss.
And Katniss, well, she's every bit the fire and passion she appeared to be in the reaping. She's brutally honest and fiercely loyal. Every time Cinna sees her, he has a vision of sparks in the night and fire erupting across Panem, a fire that will destroy, but also a fire that will set people free.
He's surprised how well he gets along with her-he can tell she's just as surprised-and she stirs something inside of him. He feels like he's waking up.
He finds Lola alone only once. She's bringing sheets down to be washed, they share the elevator. Cinna's heart beats furiously as he tries to think what to say. He longs to take her hand, but she's put distance between them, and he knows that if someone sees him touch her, she'll be punished. "I'm so sorry," he says at last, the only words he can form. As the elevator comes to a stop, he adds, "Lola-do they-is Leo here too?"
The elevator doors slide open. Lola catches Cinna's eyes for an instant, shaking her head ever so slightly. She appears to be holding back tears as she hurries off.
Her reaction can mean only one thing. Leo is dead.
The Hunger Games end, not with twenty-three dead, but with twenty-two. Cinna thinks that Katniss is the Games first true victor. She hasn't defeated her opponents; she's defied the Capitol.
Everyday, Cinna is afraid he'll wake to the news that Katniss Everdeen has had an "unfortunate accident." It's all he can do to not call her. When Effie Trinket complains that Katniss has no talent to share with the Capitol, he tries not to appear too eager to take the opportunity to speak with her. He's happy to lend his own gift in order to hear Katniss' voice on the other end of the line.
When he's standing in District Twelve, in Katniss' home, watching her come down the stairs, he opens his arms and sighs with relief when she steps into them.
A rebellion is mounting. He hears a tidbit or two once in a while, but he's largely on the outskirts. When the time comes, he hopes to be there.
When the Quarter Quell is announced, Cinna finds himself at Plutarch Heavensbee's doorstep with no recollection of deciding to go there. "I'm sorry," Heavensbee says as he pours Cinna a tall glass of a strong liquor.
*
Lola is at the Training Center again. Cinna tries to find a moment alone with her, but she follows the Avox boy's every step. He knows Lola. This message clearly reads: Time to let go, Cinna.
Cinna's eyes stay trained on Katniss throughout the interviews. He hardly hears the conversations, though he knows how those around him are reacting. When it's Katniss' turn, she steps into the spotlight. The sight sends the Capitol into a frenzy, the tragic victor in her wedding dress, but Cinna's throat is tight and his eyes are watery because Katniss has become a woman in the year since her sister's name was called, and if the plans for the rescue fell through, she might never experience adulthood.
As if she's read his mind, Katniss begins to spin, her dress quickly catching on fire. When the fire goes out, she's no longer the girl who will never marry, but a mockingjay. The cameras cut away from her too slowly; all of Panem has seen her.
He holds her hand as she waits to be launched into the arena. Her pulse is racing, but Katniss sits perfectly still. He wonders what's growing through her mind, but he's afraid to ask.
When she's given the signal, she steps onto the plate. "Remember, girl on fire," he says, "I'm still betting on you." He kisses her forehead and steps back to let the glass cylinder to come down around her.
Her cylinder doesn't rise.
Something is wrong.
She looks at him quizzically, but he has no answer.
Suddenly the door behind him bursts open and three Peacekeepers run. Two of them trap his arms behind his back.
He can faintly hear Katniss' screams as his world goes black.
He doesn't know how long he's out. For what feels like days, his eyes are too heavy to open, and consciousness slips away almost as soon as he's regained it.
When he finally wakes, he's in a small room with a large glass window. He imagines that there are Peace Keepers watching him from the other side.
He struggles to his feet as the light on the other side of the window comes on. Two Peace Keepers are standing on the other side. He can hear the buzzing of an intercom. He doesn't know if the Peace Keepers will hear him, but he asks, "Are you going to kill me?"
The Peace Keepers shake their heads, then one gestures to someone he can't see.
A moment later, two more Peace Keepers appear. Another prisoner stands between them, eyes wide with fear. Lola gasps when she sees him, and Cinna has his answer. No, they aren't going to kill him. They're going to do worse. "Lola!" He screams. He tries to step forward, but he's too weak.
All four of the Peace Keepers smile as one puts a gun to Lola's head and pulls the trigger.
He's only faintly aware of people shouting around him.
Arms close around him, dragging him from his room.
Cinna closes his eyes and the world falls away once more.
He's given an IV, his wounds are treated. When he wakes, Plutarch Heavensbee is at his side. "It's time for you to get up, Cinna. You have to remind Katniss Everdeen who she is."
Katniss and Cinna sit in silence. She's shut everyone out now, including Gale, but she lets Cinna take her hand. "I want to leave," she whispers more than an hour after he comes to her.
"Where do you want to go?"
"I want to go to sleep and..." Her voice wavers, but she doesn't have to say the rest. He knows it.
"I would go with you."
"Okay," she agrees.
But when they arrive in District Thirteen, there's word that Johanna and Peeta have escaped; Katniss seems to suddenly remember her strength.
There's fighting. There's death, too much death.
Everything ends with Peeta Mellark's death. Losing him pushes the rebels over the edge. The Capitol crumbles. Cinna could write volumes about the second rebellion; no moment of their revolution was insignificant.
Too many of those moments are too painful to relive, so when it's all done, he writes about why they fought.
A week after they bury Peeta, Katniss turns nineteen. She spends her birthday with Cinna, exploring the shoreline beyond District Thirteen. They don't talk much. There's too much to say right now, there are too many questions, too many decisions.
In the end they sit on the beach as the sun sinks into the ocean, and Katniss chooses only one question: "What now?"
This is the question no one knows how to answer yet, but Cinna gives her the only answer that's allowed him any sleep since the war began. He takes her hands in his, holds her gaze with his, and whispers, "We decide."
Notes: Written for muir_wolf. Title borrowed from Carla Buckley's novel. [IMPORTED 03/30/2012.]
Rating: PG
Length: 3,269
Pairing(s): Cinna/Avox girl, Cinna/Katniss
Summary: In the Capitol, the Hunger Games are played a different way.
[See the end of the fic for notes.]
Cinna follows Lola to the roof, just as he does every year. The breeze catches her hair, tossing it in all directions. Lola stands dangerously close to the ledge. The howl of the wind covers any sound she might make, but Cinna knows she's crying. He gently pulls her into his arms, just as he does every year. Lola cries for the twenty-three children who died this year. She also cries for the one child who didn't.
Lola has hated the Hunger Games all her life. She learned quickly to hide that from the world, but she doesn't pretend with Cinna. Every year, after the last tribute dies and a victor emerges, she slips away to the roof to grieve. "One thousand, six hundred, fifty-seven." She keeps count of the lives stolen. Her eyes are dark as her hands find his.
Downstairs there are celebrations, but Lola and Cinna won't be missed. Everyone downstairs believes they escape to the roof to be alone, to enjoy a private moment together. They're sweethearts, after all, the people below whisper conspiratorially to one another, inseparable since childhood. They wink at each other and giggle over what they imagine Cinna and Lola are up to. They're clueless, blissfully ignorant.
There are few grassy havens in the Capitol, as so much has been transformed to concrete and steel, but there are a handful of spots set aside for citizens to picnic at whenever the fancy strikes. A bit of nostalgia for Panem's favorite citizens.
There's one only three blocks from Cinna's flat, so he and Lola often meet there. She lies with her head in his lap, playing with the grass, watching clouds pass by. He curls her red hair around his fingers. These are their happiest moments because Lola can remember for a few precious minutes that there's still beauty in the world.
They're a strange pair, he knows. Neither Cinna nor Lola have had significant alterations-her silver eyeliner matches his gold-and both speak with a muted variation of the Capitol dialect. Their dialect is found in the far eastern sector of the city, a shallow valley with buildings that stretch toward the heavens. These buildings stand as tall as those in the central part of the city, despite the lower sea-level. The Capitol funnels large sums toward upkeep every year, but to no avail. The buildings aren't sturdy; no one wants to live or work in them. As a result, the valley has fewer people and businesses than the rest of the Capitol, and is therefore poorer. The largest population in the valley is orphans, children whose parents chose drugs over them. This is where Cinna met Lola.
It was Lola who showed him that the Hunger Games were terrible. Most kids at the orphanage were like the rest of the Capitol-they loved the Games-and for a time, Cinna was too. Games season was something the entire Capitol shared, no matter where the person lived. Then Lola came along, unable to even pretend to enjoy the Games. When he asked her why, she told him that she didn't have much in life, but she had safety and security. She would never be expected to kill or be killed. Whatever she wanted for, there were thousands of children who wanted for more. The next time he watched the Games, all Cinna saw was starvation and fear.
He wonders sometimes what would have become of his soul had it not been for Lola.
A warm breeze swells around them. Lola's eyes close. She smiles. Cinna is sure he would be utterly lost without her. Her eyes open and meet his. I love you, he thinks but doesn't say.
One thousand, six hundred, eighty. It rains in the Capitol the night 72nd Hunger Games end.
"I want to leave," Lola whispers. They're holding each other as the rain soaks them. Her breath is warm but stuttered against his ear.
"Where do you want to go?" There will be many places open right now, but all of them will be full of people celebrating the Games.
She hesitates only a moment. "District Thirteen."
Cinna feels sick. "Lola, there's no District Thirteen. Remember? We've seen the footage."
She shakes her head. "Something isn't right. I want to find out what."
"It's thousands of miles away! You can't be serious." He steps back to look at her. Her eyes are dark and somber. "You can't, Lola."
"No, Cinna. You can't."
"What if you're wrong?"
"I don't know. I just know there has to be more than the twelve districts and the Capitol."
"You just want there to be more," he tries to reason, "but there isn't."
Heartbreak is finding its way to Lola's features, heartbreak and disappointment. "I have to know."
"What about Leo?" Cinna doesn't know why he asks that question. Leo is Lola's younger brother. He shares all of his sister's opinions on the Capitol and the Hunger Games. If Lola has decided to leave, Leo has as well. But what's happening now is terrifying; he has to keep her standing there. He doesn't give her time to answer his question. "You don't have to go. We can find another way to fight this."
"I'm sorry, Cinna."
She hides her face in the crook of his neck. He has no choice but to hold her as long as he can.
Six weeks later, he follows her onto the roof for the last time. The sun has just set. Night in the Capitol has begun. People will be out eating and drinking till dawn. No one will notice when Lola and Leo disappear in the chaos.
Lola has slept the entire day and taken one of the Capitol's energy boosters in order to prepare for her first night on the run.
She kisses him the moment she sees him. Her kisses are wild and frenzied. She clings to him. He returns her kisses with equal passion, losing his fingers in that beautiful red hair he fears he'll never touch again. "I love you," she says over and over. They nap under a thin blanket off her old bed.
She's gone when he wakes. There's a slip of paper in Cinna's hand which reads: We'll see each other again. He dresses quickly, then stands on the ledge. He lets the wind carry the slip of paper away.
Cinna sits in silence on his couch until dawn. When the sun has fully risen, he makes the phone call. He recites his story perfectly, how he met Lola on the roof and woke to find her gone. This was also her idea. She doesn't believe in his choice of rebellion, but she does believe in him. She doesn't want him to suffer for what she's done.
The inquiry is brief; the Peace Keepers are still foolish enough to believe that Lola and Leo had both gone mad. After all, who would want to leave the Capitol?
He begins his training as a Hunger Games stylist that afternoon.
The 73rd Hunger Games come and go-one thousand, seven hundred, three-and there are no rooftops to escape to. Cinna follows the other stylists to the post-Games celebrations, spread all across the center of the Capitol. He smiles and laughs the way he's supposed to and tries not to think of Lola. He wonders whether she's alive now. If she is, does she know what time of year it is? They started their Hunger Games tradition the year they turned twelve. The age of a District child's first reaping. This is the first time since then they haven't had each other to turn to.
Cinna returns to his flat as the sun slips over the horizon. He sits on his balcony to watch it rise. He takes in its warmth and for a moment, he's a child again, watching the skyscrapers appear as the sun passes over them. He feels safe, and it occurs to him that he's never known true fear. He wonders if he'll ever know what the children in the arena feel.
Suddenly feeling cold, he retreats to his living room. He sits at the desk and pulls a few sheets of paper from a drawer. He writes to Lola, telling her about the twenty-four children in this year's Games. Lola knew the names of the two hundred and forty children in the last ten games she watched. She always remembered them; if she was dead-and he had no reason to believe she wasn't-he had to remember for her.
The Hunger Games are approaching seventy-four years. Nearly two thousand children have become victims of the first rebellion. Cinna knows how the Districts must see the Capitol, a place full of thoughtless, selfish people who delight in watching two dozen children fight for survival every year. They're right.
But there's unrest too. There are men and women who haven't known life without the Games, people like Cinna, people who should be at ease with the annual sacrifice of children but aren't. There are whispers throughout the Capitol, but only those who choose to listen hear them. Cinna listens.
A Game Keeper called Plutarch Heavensbee reveals that District Twelve needs a new stylist. His tone is casual, and he's announcing this to a group of stylists, but Cinna has learned to listen to what this Game Keeper isn't saying. When Heavensbee catches his eye, Cinna nods.
As he watches the reaping ceremonies live, Cinna thinks that after this year, one thousand, seven hundred, twenty-six children will have died. He wonders if the Capitol's thirst for blood will ever be sated.
In District Twelve, a small girl called Primrose is replaced by her older sister. There's fire in Katniss Everdeen's eyes as she stands in her sister's place. This girl is thousands of miles away, but when she glares into the camera, Cinna is certain his life had changed again.
Cinna mostly thinks about Lola in the past tense: Lola would have liked this, or, Lola used to do that. The funny thing is, whenever he remembers her last message to him-we'll see each other again-he always believes it. He's always believed in Lola.
He doesn't expect her words to come true quite this way though:
The stylists always report to the Training Center the morning after the reapings. There's too much to prepare before the tributes arrive.
Upon entering the lobby, the stylists are assigned Avoxes to assist in carrying personal belongings to the appropriate quarters. Cinna and his fellow District Twelve stylist, a quiet woman called Portia, are assigned two middle-aged Avox men. The men lift their things easily and lead them to the elevators.
It happens just as the elevator doors begin to close. District Twelve's prep team-Venia, Flavius, and Octavia, a trio of overly dramatic Games-enthusiasts-arrive a moment too late with the Avoxes assigned to help them.
Cinna's eyes meet Lola's. It feels as though all the air has been pulled from his lungs. He struggles to keep his features blank, and he sees that Lola nearly drops some of Venia's things.
As soon as he's alone, Cinna is sick. Lola is alive, but a prisoner of the Capitol. She'll live out the rest of her days in silence, repaying her "debt" to the Capitol. So long as she behaves at the Games, he'll see her at the Training Center each year, but he'll never hold her again. He'll never hear her voice again. He'll never be allowed to have her by his side.
It's Lola's eyes that devastate him. Even looking at him, they're completely empty, completely without hope. Even if Cinna sees Lola every year for the rest of his life, it will be like seeing a ghost.
Katniss wears a mockingjay pin, a sign to those who whisper discontentedly in the Capitol, a sign to those who slave in the Districts. A sign to everyone but Katniss.
And Katniss, well, she's every bit the fire and passion she appeared to be in the reaping. She's brutally honest and fiercely loyal. Every time Cinna sees her, he has a vision of sparks in the night and fire erupting across Panem, a fire that will destroy, but also a fire that will set people free.
He's surprised how well he gets along with her-he can tell she's just as surprised-and she stirs something inside of him. He feels like he's waking up.
He finds Lola alone only once. She's bringing sheets down to be washed, they share the elevator. Cinna's heart beats furiously as he tries to think what to say. He longs to take her hand, but she's put distance between them, and he knows that if someone sees him touch her, she'll be punished. "I'm so sorry," he says at last, the only words he can form. As the elevator comes to a stop, he adds, "Lola-do they-is Leo here too?"
The elevator doors slide open. Lola catches Cinna's eyes for an instant, shaking her head ever so slightly. She appears to be holding back tears as she hurries off.
Her reaction can mean only one thing. Leo is dead.
The Hunger Games end, not with twenty-three dead, but with twenty-two. Cinna thinks that Katniss is the Games first true victor. She hasn't defeated her opponents; she's defied the Capitol.
Everyday, Cinna is afraid he'll wake to the news that Katniss Everdeen has had an "unfortunate accident." It's all he can do to not call her. When Effie Trinket complains that Katniss has no talent to share with the Capitol, he tries not to appear too eager to take the opportunity to speak with her. He's happy to lend his own gift in order to hear Katniss' voice on the other end of the line.
When he's standing in District Twelve, in Katniss' home, watching her come down the stairs, he opens his arms and sighs with relief when she steps into them.
A rebellion is mounting. He hears a tidbit or two once in a while, but he's largely on the outskirts. When the time comes, he hopes to be there.
When the Quarter Quell is announced, Cinna finds himself at Plutarch Heavensbee's doorstep with no recollection of deciding to go there. "I'm sorry," Heavensbee says as he pours Cinna a tall glass of a strong liquor.
*
Lola is at the Training Center again. Cinna tries to find a moment alone with her, but she follows the Avox boy's every step. He knows Lola. This message clearly reads: Time to let go, Cinna.
Cinna's eyes stay trained on Katniss throughout the interviews. He hardly hears the conversations, though he knows how those around him are reacting. When it's Katniss' turn, she steps into the spotlight. The sight sends the Capitol into a frenzy, the tragic victor in her wedding dress, but Cinna's throat is tight and his eyes are watery because Katniss has become a woman in the year since her sister's name was called, and if the plans for the rescue fell through, she might never experience adulthood.
As if she's read his mind, Katniss begins to spin, her dress quickly catching on fire. When the fire goes out, she's no longer the girl who will never marry, but a mockingjay. The cameras cut away from her too slowly; all of Panem has seen her.
He holds her hand as she waits to be launched into the arena. Her pulse is racing, but Katniss sits perfectly still. He wonders what's growing through her mind, but he's afraid to ask.
When she's given the signal, she steps onto the plate. "Remember, girl on fire," he says, "I'm still betting on you." He kisses her forehead and steps back to let the glass cylinder to come down around her.
Her cylinder doesn't rise.
Something is wrong.
She looks at him quizzically, but he has no answer.
Suddenly the door behind him bursts open and three Peacekeepers run. Two of them trap his arms behind his back.
He can faintly hear Katniss' screams as his world goes black.
He doesn't know how long he's out. For what feels like days, his eyes are too heavy to open, and consciousness slips away almost as soon as he's regained it.
When he finally wakes, he's in a small room with a large glass window. He imagines that there are Peace Keepers watching him from the other side.
He struggles to his feet as the light on the other side of the window comes on. Two Peace Keepers are standing on the other side. He can hear the buzzing of an intercom. He doesn't know if the Peace Keepers will hear him, but he asks, "Are you going to kill me?"
The Peace Keepers shake their heads, then one gestures to someone he can't see.
A moment later, two more Peace Keepers appear. Another prisoner stands between them, eyes wide with fear. Lola gasps when she sees him, and Cinna has his answer. No, they aren't going to kill him. They're going to do worse. "Lola!" He screams. He tries to step forward, but he's too weak.
All four of the Peace Keepers smile as one puts a gun to Lola's head and pulls the trigger.
He's only faintly aware of people shouting around him.
Arms close around him, dragging him from his room.
Cinna closes his eyes and the world falls away once more.
He's given an IV, his wounds are treated. When he wakes, Plutarch Heavensbee is at his side. "It's time for you to get up, Cinna. You have to remind Katniss Everdeen who she is."
Katniss and Cinna sit in silence. She's shut everyone out now, including Gale, but she lets Cinna take her hand. "I want to leave," she whispers more than an hour after he comes to her.
"Where do you want to go?"
"I want to go to sleep and..." Her voice wavers, but she doesn't have to say the rest. He knows it.
"I would go with you."
"Okay," she agrees.
But when they arrive in District Thirteen, there's word that Johanna and Peeta have escaped; Katniss seems to suddenly remember her strength.
There's fighting. There's death, too much death.
Everything ends with Peeta Mellark's death. Losing him pushes the rebels over the edge. The Capitol crumbles. Cinna could write volumes about the second rebellion; no moment of their revolution was insignificant.
Too many of those moments are too painful to relive, so when it's all done, he writes about why they fought.
A week after they bury Peeta, Katniss turns nineteen. She spends her birthday with Cinna, exploring the shoreline beyond District Thirteen. They don't talk much. There's too much to say right now, there are too many questions, too many decisions.
In the end they sit on the beach as the sun sinks into the ocean, and Katniss chooses only one question: "What now?"
This is the question no one knows how to answer yet, but Cinna gives her the only answer that's allowed him any sleep since the war began. He takes her hands in his, holds her gaze with his, and whispers, "We decide."
Notes: Written for muir_wolf. Title borrowed from Carla Buckley's novel. [IMPORTED 03/30/2012.]