[FIC] The Mirror (2/2)
Title: The Mirror
Pairing: Yoseob/Gikwang
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 10,933
Summary: Reality inside a mirror is a contorted picture of what should be there on the outside. Gikwang tries to overcome the vicious barrier of cold glass that separates them. But what did he wish to find on the other side of the mirror? And at what cost?
There had to be a way! There had to! He just couldn’t see it yet…
His phone rang.
Gikwang ignored it.
***
Whenever Gikwang had to leave for the bathroom, it felt like walking through grey mist. Everything felt so quiet, so unreal and his head swam.
Each time Gikwang rushed back into his bedroom. Not only once he almost tripped over his own feet.
***
He hardly ate and he didn’t sleep in his bed. He only slept when exhaustion took over because wishing and longing and suffering had drained him so much. Then he slept on the floor in front of the mirror.
Yoseob watched him while he slept.
***
“Gikwang?”
‘Please get me out of here.’
His limbs felt so heavy. Everything was turning. The air seemed stuffy and thick.
“Gikwang!”
His world was grey. Everything was so dark. Why were his eyes closed?
“Gikwang! Are you there?”
Had he closed his eyes? They felt so heavy. He tried to open them but had to realize that it was a hard thing to do.
“Gikwang!”
When he finally managed to open his eyes, Gikwang saw the floor, the floor of his bedroom. The next moment the disturbingly loud noise of an opening door reached his ears and only a second afterwards Gikwang felt a warm hand touching his shoulder. Before Gikwang could realize anything else though, the hand had pulled him up into a sitting position and tugged at his arm. It moved him to stand up. Without really knowing how he had managed it Gikwang stood on his feet.
“Gikwang!”
That voice was there again. He had thought he had heard it before, much lower though and muffled… And then suddenly Gikwang’s eyes understood that they had woken up and had to focus.
He was staring at Son Dongwoon.
The handsome face of his coworker and friend seemed shocked. His hands held Gikwang’s shoulders and for some reason Dongwoon looked like he really wanted to shake those shoulders and only the confused shock that was visible in his face prevented him from doing so.
“Gikwang…what’s wrong with you? Why were you lying on the floor?” Dongwoon’s voice sounded a little fearful.
Gikwang blinked.
Dongwoon stared at him.
And then something clicked.
“Oh…I…uh…guess I must have fallen asleep. Not to worry, Dongwoon.”
Dongwoon shook his head. But he exhaled, seemingly relieved. “Not to worry,” he repeated. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Is everything alright?”
“Sure.” Gikwang patted Dongwoon’s arm. “Everything’s fine.”
The look on Dongwoon’s face was more than skeptical. In fact he looked as if he doubted the condition of Gikwang’s mind. Gikwang thought it was a little bit annoying.
“You didn’t come to work for four days straight. You didn’t even call and provided a reason,” Dongwoon said and stared worriedly at Gikwang.
Gikwang cleared his throat. “Yeah…” Four days. “I didn’t feel well.”
Dongwoon eyed him carefully. “Why didn’t you call?”
“I…I didn’t think about it. I’m sorry, Dongwoon. I’m feeling better now. I think I can come to work tomorrow,” Gikwang said and removed Dongwoon’s hands from his shoulders. “You don’t have to worry. I guess I was just a little stressed out lately.”
Dongwoon didn’t seem fully convinced. “Yeah,” he made. “The boss asked for you. I told him that you had called in sick.”
Gikwang felt a silent sting of guilt. “I’m sorry, Dongwoon. You didn’t have to cover for me.” He paused. “Thank you.”
“It’s alright,” said Dongwoon. “I could tell that something wasn’t right with you. There was a lot going on at the office. It’s probably a good thing that you had a few days of rest.”
“Yeah,” Gikwang said and walked out of the bedroom. Dongwoon followed.
“I’m sorry,” said Dongwoon and Gikwang was somewhat surprised when he found himself in the kitchen. Dongwoon leaned against the counter. “I’m sorry that I walked into your apartment like this, but you know…I was worried and you left a spare key at the office and I thought I’d better check on you.”
“Yeah, it’s alright,” Gikwang answered absentmindedly. “Thank you, Dongwoon.”
Dongwoon nodded and Gikwang looked awkwardly around the kitchen. Thinking felt so hard right now, even remembering what he was supposed to do proved to be a very difficult task and Dongwoon staring at him sympathetically wasn’t exactly helpful either. When he couldn’t stand the uneasy tension anymore Gikwang spun around and faced the counter.
“Would you…would you like some tea?” he hastily stuttered out to at least break the uncomfortable silence in the kitchen.
“Uhm…” Dongwoon made. “Sure, why not?”
Gikwang hurriedly set to work and poured them some tea and in no time at all they both sat at the table with steaming cups of tea in front of them. Gikwang tried not to stare into space too much and forced himself to keep the conversation with Dongwoon going. He couldn’t have Dongwoon thinking that something was wrong with him. Overworked, stressed out, that’s all.
It took a great amount of time and some more tea before Dongwoon finally said his good bye. Gikwang had to reassure him repeatedly that he was feeling better and that everything was alright and that he would show up at work tomorrow, until Dongwoon finally seemed to be alright with the idea of leaving. Gikwang had sat through Dongwoon’s whole visit with anxious tension pinching in his stomach and nervous relief rushed through him, now that he could accompany Dongwoon to the door.
Once at the door Dongwoon turned around again. “So…I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then,” he said slowly.
Gikwang hurried to answer. “Yes, of course, sure you will. I’ll be there.”
“Okay then…” Dongwoon didn’t move. He looked as if he wanted to say something more, but after a while of new awkward silence he blinked and nodded a few times. “Just…you know…call me if you…if you need anything.”
“Yeah, okay. Thank you, Dongwoon.”
Dongwoon nodded again, finally turned and left. Gikwang waited a few moments before he closed the door.
After Dongwoon had left Gikwang stood motionlessly in his corridor and stared into space. Dongwoon’s visit just now already started to feel unreal again. Had it really been four days where Gikwang hadn’t gone to work? Everything had felt so unimportant…and it began to feel unimportant again.
Then it hit Gikwang. Dongwoon had found him in front of the mirror! But he hadn’t said anything about it. He had just asked him why he had been lying on the floor. Gikwang furrowed his eyebrows. Maybe Dongwoon hadn’t seen Yoseob, because otherwise he definitely would have been startled. Maybe Yoseob had hidden or Dongwoon hadn’t paid attention to the mirror. Whatever it was, Gikwang was glad that Dongwoon hadn’t seen Yoseob.
Yoseob. At once a fearful jolt struck through Gikwang’s stomach. He had told Dongwoon that he would come to work tomorrow! But that meant that he had to leave Yoseob alone. From one moment to the other Gikwang felt cold. He couldn’t leave Yoseob alone. Gikwang knew that it was hard for Yoseob to be trapped inside that mirror and it was even harder for him when Gikwang wasn’t there with him. Could he do that to Yoseob and leave him while Gikwang went to work? Would Yoseob even understand? The feeling that helplessly wrapped around his body then felt oddly like fear. And then his heart made a forceful jump against his chest.
He had left Yoseob alone for much too long already!
Gikwang almost tripped as he ran towards his bedroom.
Upon opening the door Gikwang was met by darkness. He stopped dead in his tracks, halfway through the door and fingers gripping the handle. This kind of darkness was unfamiliar to him. It had been dark when he had discovered the mirror and found Yoseob, but the darkness had been grey and stuffy and not completely dark, not as dark as night would have been. It had stayed that way while he was with Yoseob, hard to distinguish night from day, if not impossible. But now…
Now the darkness wasn’t stuffy, wasn’t grey, it was flowing and smooth, darker than before, like the night. But it couldn’t be night, could it? What time had it been when Dongwoon had visited? Dongwoon couldn’t have stayed until nightfall and longer…or could he?
Gikwang stepped forwards and all the while it took for him to move his foot to the front asked himself why he moved so slowly. It was probably an automatic action that he closed the door behind himself. The soft click sounded through the room. Gikwang could see the outlines of the furniture and his bed in the dark; he saw the curtains in front of the window swaying softly. And he saw the towering silhouette of the old fashioned mirror in the corner of the room, looking darker than any other object in the room. Its surface seemed to be black.
He looked nowhere else but at the mirror. It was so dark that Gikwang couldn’t see Yoseob there. For no obvious reason Gikwang didn’t dare to call for him, he didn’t dare to speak at all. He carefully moved closer. Nothing but dark met his eyes.
The steadily quickening movement of his heart went unnoticed by Gikwang. He had reached the mirror and he couldn’t see anything in its depths. It was so dark that he couldn’t even see his own reflection in the metallic glass. His hand trembled. Gikwang leaned forwards.
A dark face appeared out of the black shadows.
“Who was he?”
Gikwang jumped so badly that tears sprang to his eyes. For a terrible, painful moment fear gripped his chest as he stared into Yoseob’s black eyes. That voice had struck through his whole body, so cold and unfamiliar and piercing.
Yoseob stood closer at the glass surface of the mirror than he ever had and stared at Gikwang through unmoving eyes. Gikwang’s heart made an intimidated stumbling motion against his ribcage. His throat felt constricted. Yoseob’s furious glare unsettled him. Gikwang resisted the urge to step back while he shakily searched for his voice.
“I…I-I’m sorry…Y-Yoseob…I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…lea-“
“Who was he?” that distorted voice cut him off, louder than before, and left Gikwang shaking unintentionally.
“D-Dongwoon…he…was Dongwoon…” Gikwang’s voice got stuck in his throat.
Yoseob’s gaze fixated him like some heavy iron clasp, clamped tightly around his chest as Yoseob stared at Gikwang’s face. Everything was so dark. Sharp shadows lay over Yoseob’s features; his eyes looked like black, cold abysses in a face that didn’t seem cute or kind at all. A sickeningly quick movement and suddenly Yoseob had his palm pressed against the glass. Gikwang didn’t even find the time to jerk back when already Yoseob’s voice cut through the silence.
“Where did you go?”
Gikwang felt his body shaking. He didn’t understand this situation, he didn’t want to understand. Uneasy fear throbbed at the back of his head as his eyes desperately tried to find something familiar about Yoseob’s tensed face. “I…I w-went to the kitch-…the kitchen…”
“With him?”
Yoseob was so close to the reflecting surface of the mirror that it looked as if he would come through any second. He looked as if he would be able to do so. And Gikwang was afraid. He fought the urge to step back and nodded. “I…”
“What did you do with him?” The question sounded loud and distorted through the darkness all around. Gikwang jumped and his heart made a painful leap against his chest.
“N-nothing…I did nothing…” Gikwang had difficulties controlling his voice and fearful tears wanted to spring out of his eyes.
“Don’t lie to me!”
Gikwang could hear the dangerous tone in Yoseob’s words. He thought he could feel it in the room all around, as if the air vibrated with that icy threat.
“I…I made him some tea,” Gikwang hurried to answer. “He…he came to check if I…if I was alright…be-because…” His voice faltered and his eyes slipped over Yoseob’s dark face. What would happen if he told Yoseob?
Yoseob leaned his head to the side a tiny fraction. His gaze pierced Gikwang. “Why?” he whispered.
Gikwang swallowed. “Be-because I missed work…f-four days in a row.”
Yoseob didn’t say anything. He just stood there, in almost complete darkness and stared at Gikwang. Gikwang shuddered. There was nothing but silence and the expression on Yoseob’s face that wasn’t even a glare. Hesitantly Gikwang lifted his hand and, after a short, unsure movement towards the mirror, lowered it again.
The silence lasted.
Gikwang opened his mouth and closed it again. He stood unmoving and rigid. His eyes shimmered with tears he felt burning under his lids.
Yoseob just looked at him.
“I-I’m so sorry.” His words burst out of him so suddenly that Gikwang couldn’t even tell that he was the one who had spoken at the first moment. But when he realized, new words followed even hastier. “I’m sorry, Yoseob. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to…to leave you alone for so long. Please…I’ll never leave you alone again. I’ll stay. Please, I-I won’t go to work tomorrow. I’ll call in sick. I’ll stay with you, Yoseob. I’ll stay…”
Yoseob’s gaze left him. He turned his head away and walked backwards. “You know that’s not true,” he said and it was barely more than a whisper. In the deeper darkness of the mirror Yoseob sat down on the ground and faced away from Gikwang.
This turn of events scared Gikwang more than anything before had. “Yoseob,” he called lowly. “Yoseob, I’m sorry. Please…” But he trailed off.
Yoseob just sat there in the depths of the mirror. His back was hunched and Gikwang thought he could see him trembling. He couldn’t be sure though. Tears were blurring his vision and with each blink it grew harder to distinguish Yoseob’s crouched figure from the surrounding darkness.
Gikwang’s chest hurt.
The tears felt hot on his face. Gikwang hadn’t realized it but he had sunk to the ground too. He couldn’t even hear his own muffled sobs as he clumsily crawled closer towards the mirror until he almost leant against it and his restless hands slipped along the cold surface.
“Yoseob,” he tried again. His voice was thick with tears. “Yoseobie,” he called hesitantly and tried to hold on to the warm feeling that tightened in his chest at the loved pet name. “Please…please come back…Yoseob…please don’t leave me…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…Yoseob…”
But he got no answer.
Gikwang couldn’t keep the desperate sob from leaving his throat. His fingers shakily caressed the glass. “Yoseobie…please…say something. Don’t go like this…please. I…I’m sorry. I want to make it better…” He sniffed. “Please, Yoseob…”
He thought he saw the figure in the darkness of the mirror moving slightly. Gikwang moved closer and once again he called his name. “Yoseob…”
“It hurts.”
At that moment Gikwang thought those words, spoken by Yoseob’s low, distorted voice, were the most terrible thing he had ever heard. He could see Yoseob in the depths of the mirror and now he could see very clearly that Yoseob was trembling and helplessly hugging himself. That alone was a horribly painful sight for Gikwang.
Jerkily he reached forwards and his hand gripped the metal frame of the mirror. Gikwang didn’t even notice that it was shaking and his knuckles turned white. He pressed his other hand against the glass. It felt like ice.
“Pl-please…” he stuttered. His throat felt constricted. A horrible feeling of losing every last bit of control pooled in his chest. It was hard to breathe. “Y-Yoseob!” he forced out, louder than before. “I…I’ll make it better. I’ll help you…please…I’ll-“
“Why do you keep making me hope?” Yoseob’s voice interrupted him. It wasn’t loud or harsh but painful all the same. “Why do you keep telling me this, when it’s all just a lie?”
Gikwang’s fingers left foggy trails as they slipped along the reflecting glass. “No…” he stammered. “No, Yoseob…I’m not lying…please, I-“
Yoseob shook his head. It was harder again for Gikwang to see him in the dark. Yoseob still wasn’t looking at him. “Stop it,” Yoseob said lowly. “You’re hurting me.”
“No, please Yoseob, I never wanted to-“
“Why do you say those things and afterwards push me away again?” Yoseob said so loudly that Gikwang jumped. “Why do you keep promising me to stay and then you leave and replace me?”
Gikwang’s throat felt dry and so tight. He desperately shook his head. “Pl-please, no…Yoseob…” His tears made it hard to speak. “I’m not replacing you. I would never…”
“Why do you keep me hoping?”
Gikwang didn’t know what to answer. His tears blurred his vision but he tried to keep seeing Yoseob in the darkness of the mirror. He couldn’t let him go. He wanted him to stay so much and he didn’t care if it was selfish and painful. “Please…” he sobbed.
There was no answer.
“Please!” Gikwang shouted and hit his palm against the icy glass. “Please, listen to me!”
But the dark figure that was Yoseob didn’t seem to acknowledge him anymore. Gikwang saw his dark silhouette moving and curling together and probably hugging his knees closer to his body. It looked as if Yoseob shook his head.
“Yoseob!” called Gikwang and helplessly straightened up on his knees. He hit the mirror again. “Please, stay with me!” His fingers cramped against the mirror. “Oh god, please tell me what to do! Please, help me! How can I get you out? Please, tell me! I need you, Yoseob!”
Yoseob didn’t react to his sobbing and his pleas. Gikwang could hardly see him in the mirror anymore.
“Just tell me what I’m supposed to do!” he screamed and his voice cracked. “I’ll do everything!”
When he didn’t get an answer, Gikwang stumbled to his feet and whipped his hand against the mirror again. He didn’t stop, but his blows didn’t even leave a single crack on the dark surface of the reflecting glass. His muscles hurt and his throat burned.
“Yoseob!” he shouted. “Let him out!”
It was as if that mirror laughed at him and taunted him. Only darkness answered to his screams and tears. The mirror just stood there.
Gikwang reached forwards and grabbed the adorned frame with both hands. He tried to shake the mirror. He wanted to make it pay for that cruel game it was playing.
At once Yoseob whipped his head around.
And then Gikwang felt a sharp pain in his right palm. Startled he pulled his hand back. When he looked at it there was a dark cut running along the center of his palm. It was bleeding slightly.
Gikwang looked up. Yoseob was staring at him out of the darkness of the mirror. He didn’t move at all.
As Gikwang looked at the place on the frame of the mirror, where he had cut his palm, he saw something dark running along the metal. It dripped onto the reflecting surface and it looked disturbingly red.
Gikwang stumbled backwards. Now there were dark, red droplets of blood splashed between him and Yoseob. And it looked as if it was his blood, but that couldn’t be. He had only cut his palm at the frame of the mirror. He couldn’t have lost that much blood. But it slowly dripped onto the dark glass from the metal frame where Gikwang had gripped the mirror and it became harder for Gikwang to make out Yoseob in the darkness.
“No…” he gasped and moved closer to the mirror again. There seemed to be more blood each second. The mirror grew darker. “Yoseob!”
Gikwang could hardly see him anymore. “Yoseob!” he called. “Please, no…Yoseob!”
Gikwang screamed for Yoseob. He hit the mirror with his flat hands and even with his fists. His tears blocked his throat as he cried Yoseob’s name. But nobody answered him. The blood was gone. The mirror was empty. It looked as if it had gone blind.
“Yoseob…”
The loved name resounded weakly in the otherwise perfect silence of the dark bedroom. Afterwards Gikwang momentarily wasn’t able to produce any other sound. He stared at that strange, sinister mirror in front of him and he didn’t pay attention to the hot tears that welled in his eyes and soundlessly slipped down his face. His whole body shook, distraught and his heart felt like trapped in a much too narrow cage right within his chest.
Yoseob was gone. He had vanished. Gikwang couldn’t see him in the mirror anymore.
Gikwang made two uncoordinated steps backwards and away from the mirror. Yoseob was gone. He stumbled further away and cringed as his calves hit his bed. What had happened? It was exceptionally hard to simply sit down on his bed while he trembled so furiously. There had been so much blood. Gikwang heaved a very unsteady breath and jerkily hid his face in his palms.
Breathing was so hard all of a sudden. It was so dark. Violently Gikwang shook his head. His fingers almost cramped in his hair and the quivering of his body only got worse with every second that passed. A high pitched sob forcefully left his throat and Gikwang pressed his shivering hand against his mouth. It was salty and wet from his tears.
Was it over?
An unpleasant mix of horror, relief and guilt wound in his chest at that thought and Gikwang only now noticed that he had clenched his hand into a white-knuckled fist.
The darkness was leaden. Gikwang felt as if his black surroundings were pressing against his eardrums and blocking his mouth and nose, as if the darkness itself hindered his breathing.
And then a painful chill took hold of his body. A feeling like icy feathers grazed his nape. Gikwang froze.
What he saw out of the corner of his eye made him turn his head rapidly. The dark silhouette in the opened door to his bedroom caused a violent start to seize him whole. Gikwang almost lost his balance and would have fallen off his bed if he hadn’t - unexplainably to him - found the way to his feet in the midst of an agonizing heartbeat.
His legs obviously didn’t know if they wanted to move him backwards or forwards and so Gikwang unsteadily remained where he was. His head swam.
Everything, the shape, the features, the stance of the motionless figure in the doorframe triggered familiar emotions in Gikwang. All pushed and pulled at the same time and Gikwang didn’t know if his heart stood or ran for dear life. It all felt the same.
Gikwang stared into eyes he couldn’t see in the darkness yet. A few numb heartbeats passed until Gikwang stumbled forwards, into the direction of the bedroom door.
The moving curtains in front of the window caused the shadows to run over the face of the person in the doorframe. Gikwang reached him.
He was there.
“Yos-”
For real.
It was him, Yoseob, like Gikwang had always seen him, imagined and dreamed about him. All about him was perfect and beautiful, exactly like Gikwang knew by heart.
But a faint mercury-grey shimmer framed the edges of familiar irises as those loved eyes slowly focused on Gikwang.
Pairing: Yoseob/Gikwang
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 10,933
Summary: Reality inside a mirror is a contorted picture of what should be there on the outside. Gikwang tries to overcome the vicious barrier of cold glass that separates them. But what did he wish to find on the other side of the mirror? And at what cost?
There had to be a way! There had to! He just couldn’t see it yet…
His phone rang.
Gikwang ignored it.
***
Whenever Gikwang had to leave for the bathroom, it felt like walking through grey mist. Everything felt so quiet, so unreal and his head swam.
Each time Gikwang rushed back into his bedroom. Not only once he almost tripped over his own feet.
***
He hardly ate and he didn’t sleep in his bed. He only slept when exhaustion took over because wishing and longing and suffering had drained him so much. Then he slept on the floor in front of the mirror.
Yoseob watched him while he slept.
***
“Gikwang?”
‘Please get me out of here.’
His limbs felt so heavy. Everything was turning. The air seemed stuffy and thick.
“Gikwang!”
His world was grey. Everything was so dark. Why were his eyes closed?
“Gikwang! Are you there?”
Had he closed his eyes? They felt so heavy. He tried to open them but had to realize that it was a hard thing to do.
“Gikwang!”
When he finally managed to open his eyes, Gikwang saw the floor, the floor of his bedroom. The next moment the disturbingly loud noise of an opening door reached his ears and only a second afterwards Gikwang felt a warm hand touching his shoulder. Before Gikwang could realize anything else though, the hand had pulled him up into a sitting position and tugged at his arm. It moved him to stand up. Without really knowing how he had managed it Gikwang stood on his feet.
“Gikwang!”
That voice was there again. He had thought he had heard it before, much lower though and muffled… And then suddenly Gikwang’s eyes understood that they had woken up and had to focus.
He was staring at Son Dongwoon.
The handsome face of his coworker and friend seemed shocked. His hands held Gikwang’s shoulders and for some reason Dongwoon looked like he really wanted to shake those shoulders and only the confused shock that was visible in his face prevented him from doing so.
“Gikwang…what’s wrong with you? Why were you lying on the floor?” Dongwoon’s voice sounded a little fearful.
Gikwang blinked.
Dongwoon stared at him.
And then something clicked.
“Oh…I…uh…guess I must have fallen asleep. Not to worry, Dongwoon.”
Dongwoon shook his head. But he exhaled, seemingly relieved. “Not to worry,” he repeated. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Is everything alright?”
“Sure.” Gikwang patted Dongwoon’s arm. “Everything’s fine.”
The look on Dongwoon’s face was more than skeptical. In fact he looked as if he doubted the condition of Gikwang’s mind. Gikwang thought it was a little bit annoying.
“You didn’t come to work for four days straight. You didn’t even call and provided a reason,” Dongwoon said and stared worriedly at Gikwang.
Gikwang cleared his throat. “Yeah…” Four days. “I didn’t feel well.”
Dongwoon eyed him carefully. “Why didn’t you call?”
“I…I didn’t think about it. I’m sorry, Dongwoon. I’m feeling better now. I think I can come to work tomorrow,” Gikwang said and removed Dongwoon’s hands from his shoulders. “You don’t have to worry. I guess I was just a little stressed out lately.”
Dongwoon didn’t seem fully convinced. “Yeah,” he made. “The boss asked for you. I told him that you had called in sick.”
Gikwang felt a silent sting of guilt. “I’m sorry, Dongwoon. You didn’t have to cover for me.” He paused. “Thank you.”
“It’s alright,” said Dongwoon. “I could tell that something wasn’t right with you. There was a lot going on at the office. It’s probably a good thing that you had a few days of rest.”
“Yeah,” Gikwang said and walked out of the bedroom. Dongwoon followed.
“I’m sorry,” said Dongwoon and Gikwang was somewhat surprised when he found himself in the kitchen. Dongwoon leaned against the counter. “I’m sorry that I walked into your apartment like this, but you know…I was worried and you left a spare key at the office and I thought I’d better check on you.”
“Yeah, it’s alright,” Gikwang answered absentmindedly. “Thank you, Dongwoon.”
Dongwoon nodded and Gikwang looked awkwardly around the kitchen. Thinking felt so hard right now, even remembering what he was supposed to do proved to be a very difficult task and Dongwoon staring at him sympathetically wasn’t exactly helpful either. When he couldn’t stand the uneasy tension anymore Gikwang spun around and faced the counter.
“Would you…would you like some tea?” he hastily stuttered out to at least break the uncomfortable silence in the kitchen.
“Uhm…” Dongwoon made. “Sure, why not?”
Gikwang hurriedly set to work and poured them some tea and in no time at all they both sat at the table with steaming cups of tea in front of them. Gikwang tried not to stare into space too much and forced himself to keep the conversation with Dongwoon going. He couldn’t have Dongwoon thinking that something was wrong with him. Overworked, stressed out, that’s all.
It took a great amount of time and some more tea before Dongwoon finally said his good bye. Gikwang had to reassure him repeatedly that he was feeling better and that everything was alright and that he would show up at work tomorrow, until Dongwoon finally seemed to be alright with the idea of leaving. Gikwang had sat through Dongwoon’s whole visit with anxious tension pinching in his stomach and nervous relief rushed through him, now that he could accompany Dongwoon to the door.
Once at the door Dongwoon turned around again. “So…I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then,” he said slowly.
Gikwang hurried to answer. “Yes, of course, sure you will. I’ll be there.”
“Okay then…” Dongwoon didn’t move. He looked as if he wanted to say something more, but after a while of new awkward silence he blinked and nodded a few times. “Just…you know…call me if you…if you need anything.”
“Yeah, okay. Thank you, Dongwoon.”
Dongwoon nodded again, finally turned and left. Gikwang waited a few moments before he closed the door.
After Dongwoon had left Gikwang stood motionlessly in his corridor and stared into space. Dongwoon’s visit just now already started to feel unreal again. Had it really been four days where Gikwang hadn’t gone to work? Everything had felt so unimportant…and it began to feel unimportant again.
Then it hit Gikwang. Dongwoon had found him in front of the mirror! But he hadn’t said anything about it. He had just asked him why he had been lying on the floor. Gikwang furrowed his eyebrows. Maybe Dongwoon hadn’t seen Yoseob, because otherwise he definitely would have been startled. Maybe Yoseob had hidden or Dongwoon hadn’t paid attention to the mirror. Whatever it was, Gikwang was glad that Dongwoon hadn’t seen Yoseob.
Yoseob. At once a fearful jolt struck through Gikwang’s stomach. He had told Dongwoon that he would come to work tomorrow! But that meant that he had to leave Yoseob alone. From one moment to the other Gikwang felt cold. He couldn’t leave Yoseob alone. Gikwang knew that it was hard for Yoseob to be trapped inside that mirror and it was even harder for him when Gikwang wasn’t there with him. Could he do that to Yoseob and leave him while Gikwang went to work? Would Yoseob even understand? The feeling that helplessly wrapped around his body then felt oddly like fear. And then his heart made a forceful jump against his chest.
He had left Yoseob alone for much too long already!
Gikwang almost tripped as he ran towards his bedroom.
Upon opening the door Gikwang was met by darkness. He stopped dead in his tracks, halfway through the door and fingers gripping the handle. This kind of darkness was unfamiliar to him. It had been dark when he had discovered the mirror and found Yoseob, but the darkness had been grey and stuffy and not completely dark, not as dark as night would have been. It had stayed that way while he was with Yoseob, hard to distinguish night from day, if not impossible. But now…
Now the darkness wasn’t stuffy, wasn’t grey, it was flowing and smooth, darker than before, like the night. But it couldn’t be night, could it? What time had it been when Dongwoon had visited? Dongwoon couldn’t have stayed until nightfall and longer…or could he?
Gikwang stepped forwards and all the while it took for him to move his foot to the front asked himself why he moved so slowly. It was probably an automatic action that he closed the door behind himself. The soft click sounded through the room. Gikwang could see the outlines of the furniture and his bed in the dark; he saw the curtains in front of the window swaying softly. And he saw the towering silhouette of the old fashioned mirror in the corner of the room, looking darker than any other object in the room. Its surface seemed to be black.
He looked nowhere else but at the mirror. It was so dark that Gikwang couldn’t see Yoseob there. For no obvious reason Gikwang didn’t dare to call for him, he didn’t dare to speak at all. He carefully moved closer. Nothing but dark met his eyes.
The steadily quickening movement of his heart went unnoticed by Gikwang. He had reached the mirror and he couldn’t see anything in its depths. It was so dark that he couldn’t even see his own reflection in the metallic glass. His hand trembled. Gikwang leaned forwards.
A dark face appeared out of the black shadows.
“Who was he?”
Gikwang jumped so badly that tears sprang to his eyes. For a terrible, painful moment fear gripped his chest as he stared into Yoseob’s black eyes. That voice had struck through his whole body, so cold and unfamiliar and piercing.
Yoseob stood closer at the glass surface of the mirror than he ever had and stared at Gikwang through unmoving eyes. Gikwang’s heart made an intimidated stumbling motion against his ribcage. His throat felt constricted. Yoseob’s furious glare unsettled him. Gikwang resisted the urge to step back while he shakily searched for his voice.
“I…I-I’m sorry…Y-Yoseob…I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…lea-“
“Who was he?” that distorted voice cut him off, louder than before, and left Gikwang shaking unintentionally.
“D-Dongwoon…he…was Dongwoon…” Gikwang’s voice got stuck in his throat.
Yoseob’s gaze fixated him like some heavy iron clasp, clamped tightly around his chest as Yoseob stared at Gikwang’s face. Everything was so dark. Sharp shadows lay over Yoseob’s features; his eyes looked like black, cold abysses in a face that didn’t seem cute or kind at all. A sickeningly quick movement and suddenly Yoseob had his palm pressed against the glass. Gikwang didn’t even find the time to jerk back when already Yoseob’s voice cut through the silence.
“Where did you go?”
Gikwang felt his body shaking. He didn’t understand this situation, he didn’t want to understand. Uneasy fear throbbed at the back of his head as his eyes desperately tried to find something familiar about Yoseob’s tensed face. “I…I w-went to the kitch-…the kitchen…”
“With him?”
Yoseob was so close to the reflecting surface of the mirror that it looked as if he would come through any second. He looked as if he would be able to do so. And Gikwang was afraid. He fought the urge to step back and nodded. “I…”
“What did you do with him?” The question sounded loud and distorted through the darkness all around. Gikwang jumped and his heart made a painful leap against his chest.
“N-nothing…I did nothing…” Gikwang had difficulties controlling his voice and fearful tears wanted to spring out of his eyes.
“Don’t lie to me!”
Gikwang could hear the dangerous tone in Yoseob’s words. He thought he could feel it in the room all around, as if the air vibrated with that icy threat.
“I…I made him some tea,” Gikwang hurried to answer. “He…he came to check if I…if I was alright…be-because…” His voice faltered and his eyes slipped over Yoseob’s dark face. What would happen if he told Yoseob?
Yoseob leaned his head to the side a tiny fraction. His gaze pierced Gikwang. “Why?” he whispered.
Gikwang swallowed. “Be-because I missed work…f-four days in a row.”
Yoseob didn’t say anything. He just stood there, in almost complete darkness and stared at Gikwang. Gikwang shuddered. There was nothing but silence and the expression on Yoseob’s face that wasn’t even a glare. Hesitantly Gikwang lifted his hand and, after a short, unsure movement towards the mirror, lowered it again.
The silence lasted.
Gikwang opened his mouth and closed it again. He stood unmoving and rigid. His eyes shimmered with tears he felt burning under his lids.
Yoseob just looked at him.
“I-I’m so sorry.” His words burst out of him so suddenly that Gikwang couldn’t even tell that he was the one who had spoken at the first moment. But when he realized, new words followed even hastier. “I’m sorry, Yoseob. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to…to leave you alone for so long. Please…I’ll never leave you alone again. I’ll stay. Please, I-I won’t go to work tomorrow. I’ll call in sick. I’ll stay with you, Yoseob. I’ll stay…”
Yoseob’s gaze left him. He turned his head away and walked backwards. “You know that’s not true,” he said and it was barely more than a whisper. In the deeper darkness of the mirror Yoseob sat down on the ground and faced away from Gikwang.
This turn of events scared Gikwang more than anything before had. “Yoseob,” he called lowly. “Yoseob, I’m sorry. Please…” But he trailed off.
Yoseob just sat there in the depths of the mirror. His back was hunched and Gikwang thought he could see him trembling. He couldn’t be sure though. Tears were blurring his vision and with each blink it grew harder to distinguish Yoseob’s crouched figure from the surrounding darkness.
Gikwang’s chest hurt.
The tears felt hot on his face. Gikwang hadn’t realized it but he had sunk to the ground too. He couldn’t even hear his own muffled sobs as he clumsily crawled closer towards the mirror until he almost leant against it and his restless hands slipped along the cold surface.
“Yoseob,” he tried again. His voice was thick with tears. “Yoseobie,” he called hesitantly and tried to hold on to the warm feeling that tightened in his chest at the loved pet name. “Please…please come back…Yoseob…please don’t leave me…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…Yoseob…”
But he got no answer.
Gikwang couldn’t keep the desperate sob from leaving his throat. His fingers shakily caressed the glass. “Yoseobie…please…say something. Don’t go like this…please. I…I’m sorry. I want to make it better…” He sniffed. “Please, Yoseob…”
He thought he saw the figure in the darkness of the mirror moving slightly. Gikwang moved closer and once again he called his name. “Yoseob…”
“It hurts.”
At that moment Gikwang thought those words, spoken by Yoseob’s low, distorted voice, were the most terrible thing he had ever heard. He could see Yoseob in the depths of the mirror and now he could see very clearly that Yoseob was trembling and helplessly hugging himself. That alone was a horribly painful sight for Gikwang.
Jerkily he reached forwards and his hand gripped the metal frame of the mirror. Gikwang didn’t even notice that it was shaking and his knuckles turned white. He pressed his other hand against the glass. It felt like ice.
“Pl-please…” he stuttered. His throat felt constricted. A horrible feeling of losing every last bit of control pooled in his chest. It was hard to breathe. “Y-Yoseob!” he forced out, louder than before. “I…I’ll make it better. I’ll help you…please…I’ll-“
“Why do you keep making me hope?” Yoseob’s voice interrupted him. It wasn’t loud or harsh but painful all the same. “Why do you keep telling me this, when it’s all just a lie?”
Gikwang’s fingers left foggy trails as they slipped along the reflecting glass. “No…” he stammered. “No, Yoseob…I’m not lying…please, I-“
Yoseob shook his head. It was harder again for Gikwang to see him in the dark. Yoseob still wasn’t looking at him. “Stop it,” Yoseob said lowly. “You’re hurting me.”
“No, please Yoseob, I never wanted to-“
“Why do you say those things and afterwards push me away again?” Yoseob said so loudly that Gikwang jumped. “Why do you keep promising me to stay and then you leave and replace me?”
Gikwang’s throat felt dry and so tight. He desperately shook his head. “Pl-please, no…Yoseob…” His tears made it hard to speak. “I’m not replacing you. I would never…”
“Why do you keep me hoping?”
Gikwang didn’t know what to answer. His tears blurred his vision but he tried to keep seeing Yoseob in the darkness of the mirror. He couldn’t let him go. He wanted him to stay so much and he didn’t care if it was selfish and painful. “Please…” he sobbed.
There was no answer.
“Please!” Gikwang shouted and hit his palm against the icy glass. “Please, listen to me!”
But the dark figure that was Yoseob didn’t seem to acknowledge him anymore. Gikwang saw his dark silhouette moving and curling together and probably hugging his knees closer to his body. It looked as if Yoseob shook his head.
“Yoseob!” called Gikwang and helplessly straightened up on his knees. He hit the mirror again. “Please, stay with me!” His fingers cramped against the mirror. “Oh god, please tell me what to do! Please, help me! How can I get you out? Please, tell me! I need you, Yoseob!”
Yoseob didn’t react to his sobbing and his pleas. Gikwang could hardly see him in the mirror anymore.
“Just tell me what I’m supposed to do!” he screamed and his voice cracked. “I’ll do everything!”
When he didn’t get an answer, Gikwang stumbled to his feet and whipped his hand against the mirror again. He didn’t stop, but his blows didn’t even leave a single crack on the dark surface of the reflecting glass. His muscles hurt and his throat burned.
“Yoseob!” he shouted. “Let him out!”
It was as if that mirror laughed at him and taunted him. Only darkness answered to his screams and tears. The mirror just stood there.
Gikwang reached forwards and grabbed the adorned frame with both hands. He tried to shake the mirror. He wanted to make it pay for that cruel game it was playing.
At once Yoseob whipped his head around.
And then Gikwang felt a sharp pain in his right palm. Startled he pulled his hand back. When he looked at it there was a dark cut running along the center of his palm. It was bleeding slightly.
Gikwang looked up. Yoseob was staring at him out of the darkness of the mirror. He didn’t move at all.
As Gikwang looked at the place on the frame of the mirror, where he had cut his palm, he saw something dark running along the metal. It dripped onto the reflecting surface and it looked disturbingly red.
Gikwang stumbled backwards. Now there were dark, red droplets of blood splashed between him and Yoseob. And it looked as if it was his blood, but that couldn’t be. He had only cut his palm at the frame of the mirror. He couldn’t have lost that much blood. But it slowly dripped onto the dark glass from the metal frame where Gikwang had gripped the mirror and it became harder for Gikwang to make out Yoseob in the darkness.
“No…” he gasped and moved closer to the mirror again. There seemed to be more blood each second. The mirror grew darker. “Yoseob!”
Gikwang could hardly see him anymore. “Yoseob!” he called. “Please, no…Yoseob!”
Gikwang screamed for Yoseob. He hit the mirror with his flat hands and even with his fists. His tears blocked his throat as he cried Yoseob’s name. But nobody answered him. The blood was gone. The mirror was empty. It looked as if it had gone blind.
“Yoseob…”
The loved name resounded weakly in the otherwise perfect silence of the dark bedroom. Afterwards Gikwang momentarily wasn’t able to produce any other sound. He stared at that strange, sinister mirror in front of him and he didn’t pay attention to the hot tears that welled in his eyes and soundlessly slipped down his face. His whole body shook, distraught and his heart felt like trapped in a much too narrow cage right within his chest.
Yoseob was gone. He had vanished. Gikwang couldn’t see him in the mirror anymore.
Gikwang made two uncoordinated steps backwards and away from the mirror. Yoseob was gone. He stumbled further away and cringed as his calves hit his bed. What had happened? It was exceptionally hard to simply sit down on his bed while he trembled so furiously. There had been so much blood. Gikwang heaved a very unsteady breath and jerkily hid his face in his palms.
Breathing was so hard all of a sudden. It was so dark. Violently Gikwang shook his head. His fingers almost cramped in his hair and the quivering of his body only got worse with every second that passed. A high pitched sob forcefully left his throat and Gikwang pressed his shivering hand against his mouth. It was salty and wet from his tears.
Was it over?
An unpleasant mix of horror, relief and guilt wound in his chest at that thought and Gikwang only now noticed that he had clenched his hand into a white-knuckled fist.
The darkness was leaden. Gikwang felt as if his black surroundings were pressing against his eardrums and blocking his mouth and nose, as if the darkness itself hindered his breathing.
And then a painful chill took hold of his body. A feeling like icy feathers grazed his nape. Gikwang froze.
What he saw out of the corner of his eye made him turn his head rapidly. The dark silhouette in the opened door to his bedroom caused a violent start to seize him whole. Gikwang almost lost his balance and would have fallen off his bed if he hadn’t - unexplainably to him - found the way to his feet in the midst of an agonizing heartbeat.
His legs obviously didn’t know if they wanted to move him backwards or forwards and so Gikwang unsteadily remained where he was. His head swam.
Everything, the shape, the features, the stance of the motionless figure in the doorframe triggered familiar emotions in Gikwang. All pushed and pulled at the same time and Gikwang didn’t know if his heart stood or ran for dear life. It all felt the same.
Gikwang stared into eyes he couldn’t see in the darkness yet. A few numb heartbeats passed until Gikwang stumbled forwards, into the direction of the bedroom door.
The moving curtains in front of the window caused the shadows to run over the face of the person in the doorframe. Gikwang reached him.
He was there.
“Yos-”
For real.
It was him, Yoseob, like Gikwang had always seen him, imagined and dreamed about him. All about him was perfect and beautiful, exactly like Gikwang knew by heart.
But a faint mercury-grey shimmer framed the edges of familiar irises as those loved eyes slowly focused on Gikwang.