The Pageant
Fandom: Naruto
Characters/Pairings: Akatsuki (gen)
Rating: PG-13 for mild language
Notes/Summary: The Akatsuki learn the true meaning of Christmas. (Originally written 25 December 2008.)
To say the Akatsuki base was in chaos would be putting it gently. The mass mess called Christmas had descended once again. Hidan and Deidara had consumed a bit too much eggnog and were taking great delight in trying to kill the boy wonder Tobi. Technically, he wasn't even a member, but being Tobi, no one could get rid of him. So far, they'd managed to destroy half the table, Itachi's presents, and the Christmas tree. Said member was doing his best to kill Hidan and Deidara without looking like he actually cared.
Finally, Pein had had enough. "Everybody, freeze!"
To his surprise, everybody froze. (Except Hidan, who had been in mid-step and fell over.) "Now that we've all had our fun, it's time for the Christmas tradition."
"Not the pageant again . . . " Kisame whined.
"Yes, the pageant again." Over everyone's groans, Pein continued. "Since Tobi appointed himself Santa and showed up, we have enough people to play all the roles. Now, let's see, Itachi can be Mary."
Itachi nearly spat a mouthful of eggnog in Pein's face. Pein ignored the murderous glare. "Yes, that means Kisame can be Joseph. Kakuzu, you're the innkeeper-."
Itachi had now composed himself enough to protest. "Why can't Konan be Mary? She's the correct gender."
"Because," said Pein condescendingly, "Konan is the angel of the Lord. You know this, Itachi."
Itachi scowled.
"Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi, you're the wise men. Zetsu, you're the shepherds. And Hidan, you're the sheep."
"I'm the what!"
"Did I stutter? I said, you're the sheep."
Hidan gave the one-finger salute.
"Now everyone, sit down unless you're supposed to be in the story at that moment," Pein ordered. He then opened an old book and began to read aloud.
"'In those days, Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria. And everyone went to his own town to register.'"
"What the hell's a governor? And what the hell's Syria?" Hidan interrupted.
"A governor is like a Kage, and Syria is a country," Itachi answered in a monotone.
"Thank you, human encyclopedia," Hidan said sarcastically.
"Can I continue?" Pein asked dangerously. Hidan nodded. "'So Joseph also went up to Bethlehem. He went there to register with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child.'"
At this, Hidan and Deidara both burst out laughing. "Wait . . . that means Itachi's pregnant!" Deidara gasped out. "Congratulations, Kisame!"
"Haven't you ever heard this story before, brat? The kid's not Kisame's," Sasori said.
"So Itachi's a slut?"
Itachi's eyes turned a dangerous shade of red. To avoid a massacre, Pein said, "The story makes a big deal out of the fact that the child is God's and that Ita-, I mean, Mary is a virgin."
Hidan shook his head. "Wow. Jashin-sama's story makes so much more sense than this one. Want me to tell that one instead?"
"No. I'm going on now, and if I'm interrupted one more time, Hidan . . . 'While they were there, the time came for the child to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, and she placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.'"
This scene was acted out less than enthusiastically by Kakuzu, Kisame, and Itachi. "Yeah, there's no room in my inn," Kakuzu said. "But if you give me enough money, you and your gender-confused wife can go stay in that cave over there."
It took nearly all of Itachi's self-control to not murder Kakuzu right then and there. Instead, he dropped the old doll that was used as the baby in a cardboard box.
"What the hell are you doing?" Kisame demanded.
"Laying the baby in the manger," Itachi said, with a tone that said, "Say anything more and you all die."
"Going on, then . . . 'There were shepherds in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks by night.'" Kakuzu practically threw Hidan on "stage" as he returned to his seat. "'An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shown around them, and they were sore afraid.'"
Zetsu and Hidan did terrible jobs of being afraid when Konan appeared. "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign unto you: you will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger," she quoted.
Pein applauded. Hidan, though, looked skeptical. "You mean you worship a baby? What kind of messed-up religion is this?"
"He doesn't stay a baby, Hidan," Kakuzu informed him.
"And shut up. You're a sheep. Sheep don't talk," Pein added. "'And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God.'"
The other five bodies of Pein appeared behind Konan. "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth, peace, goodwill toward men," they said in unison.
"Peace . . . " Deidara groaned. "Man, Christmas sucks."
The first Pein glared. "I'll keep that in mind for next year, Deidara, as you obviously won't need any presents."
Deidara grinned sheepishly. "Um, I mean, I love Christmas! Peace and goodwill and all of that!"
Pein gave him a dubious glance. "Zetsu, it's your line." He handed the book to Zetsu.
"Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about," he read quickly before tossing the book back to Pein.
"'So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.'" Zetsu kicked an unwilling Hidan over to the cardboard box that had been appointed the manger. "Hidan, you're supposed to worship the doll."
"I'm a sheep. Sheep can't worship."
Pein sighed. "'During the time of King Herod, Wise Men from the east came to Jerusalem.'"
"Finally, we get to do something!" Tobi exclaimed. He'd been tired of sitting still for so long.
"Where is he who has been born King of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him," Sasori said, lacking enthusiasm. When Deidara looked at him, he added, "I've been here longer than you. I know all these stupid lines."
"Hang on, who's Herod? How come we didn't hear about him before?" Hidan wanted to know.
"He's the king, and he wants to kill the baby," Pein said.
"How come we don't have a Herod? Can I be Herod?" he asked eagerly.
Pein sighed. "Sure, anything to get you excited about the Christmas story. Anyway, 'when King Herod heard this he was disturbed.'"
"Yeah, I'm disturbed!" Hidan said. "So I've got a great idea! I'll go kill this kid!"
"Hidan, follow the script. Read your line," Pein said, giving him the book.
"'Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.' And then kill him."
"He doesn't say that," Pein said, taking the book away from him. "Now sit down. Herod's not important anymore. 'After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him.'" Pein looked up to see the threesome standing there. "Go worship him!"
"I'm not worshiping Itachi!" Deidara protested.
Pein gritted his teeth. "Not Itachi, the baby. Now go worship it!" Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi quickly complied. "'Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and incense and myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.'"
"So Herod doesn't get to kill the baby?" Hidan was annoyed. "What's up with that?"
Pein buried his head in his hands. "You're hopeless, Hidan. You're all hopeless. Merry Christmas." And with that, he slammed the book shut and left the room.
The Akatsuki members all looked at each other, then shrugged. They resumed the activities they'd been doing, almost like nothing had happened.
Pein sighed. "They'll never learn, will they?"
Characters/Pairings: Akatsuki (gen)
Rating: PG-13 for mild language
Notes/Summary: The Akatsuki learn the true meaning of Christmas. (Originally written 25 December 2008.)
To say the Akatsuki base was in chaos would be putting it gently. The mass mess called Christmas had descended once again. Hidan and Deidara had consumed a bit too much eggnog and were taking great delight in trying to kill the boy wonder Tobi. Technically, he wasn't even a member, but being Tobi, no one could get rid of him. So far, they'd managed to destroy half the table, Itachi's presents, and the Christmas tree. Said member was doing his best to kill Hidan and Deidara without looking like he actually cared.
Finally, Pein had had enough. "Everybody, freeze!"
To his surprise, everybody froze. (Except Hidan, who had been in mid-step and fell over.) "Now that we've all had our fun, it's time for the Christmas tradition."
"Not the pageant again . . . " Kisame whined.
"Yes, the pageant again." Over everyone's groans, Pein continued. "Since Tobi appointed himself Santa and showed up, we have enough people to play all the roles. Now, let's see, Itachi can be Mary."
Itachi nearly spat a mouthful of eggnog in Pein's face. Pein ignored the murderous glare. "Yes, that means Kisame can be Joseph. Kakuzu, you're the innkeeper-."
Itachi had now composed himself enough to protest. "Why can't Konan be Mary? She's the correct gender."
"Because," said Pein condescendingly, "Konan is the angel of the Lord. You know this, Itachi."
Itachi scowled.
"Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi, you're the wise men. Zetsu, you're the shepherds. And Hidan, you're the sheep."
"I'm the what!"
"Did I stutter? I said, you're the sheep."
Hidan gave the one-finger salute.
"Now everyone, sit down unless you're supposed to be in the story at that moment," Pein ordered. He then opened an old book and began to read aloud.
"'In those days, Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria. And everyone went to his own town to register.'"
"What the hell's a governor? And what the hell's Syria?" Hidan interrupted.
"A governor is like a Kage, and Syria is a country," Itachi answered in a monotone.
"Thank you, human encyclopedia," Hidan said sarcastically.
"Can I continue?" Pein asked dangerously. Hidan nodded. "'So Joseph also went up to Bethlehem. He went there to register with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child.'"
At this, Hidan and Deidara both burst out laughing. "Wait . . . that means Itachi's pregnant!" Deidara gasped out. "Congratulations, Kisame!"
"Haven't you ever heard this story before, brat? The kid's not Kisame's," Sasori said.
"So Itachi's a slut?"
Itachi's eyes turned a dangerous shade of red. To avoid a massacre, Pein said, "The story makes a big deal out of the fact that the child is God's and that Ita-, I mean, Mary is a virgin."
Hidan shook his head. "Wow. Jashin-sama's story makes so much more sense than this one. Want me to tell that one instead?"
"No. I'm going on now, and if I'm interrupted one more time, Hidan . . . 'While they were there, the time came for the child to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, and she placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.'"
This scene was acted out less than enthusiastically by Kakuzu, Kisame, and Itachi. "Yeah, there's no room in my inn," Kakuzu said. "But if you give me enough money, you and your gender-confused wife can go stay in that cave over there."
It took nearly all of Itachi's self-control to not murder Kakuzu right then and there. Instead, he dropped the old doll that was used as the baby in a cardboard box.
"What the hell are you doing?" Kisame demanded.
"Laying the baby in the manger," Itachi said, with a tone that said, "Say anything more and you all die."
"Going on, then . . . 'There were shepherds in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks by night.'" Kakuzu practically threw Hidan on "stage" as he returned to his seat. "'An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shown around them, and they were sore afraid.'"
Zetsu and Hidan did terrible jobs of being afraid when Konan appeared. "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign unto you: you will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger," she quoted.
Pein applauded. Hidan, though, looked skeptical. "You mean you worship a baby? What kind of messed-up religion is this?"
"He doesn't stay a baby, Hidan," Kakuzu informed him.
"And shut up. You're a sheep. Sheep don't talk," Pein added. "'And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God.'"
The other five bodies of Pein appeared behind Konan. "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth, peace, goodwill toward men," they said in unison.
"Peace . . . " Deidara groaned. "Man, Christmas sucks."
The first Pein glared. "I'll keep that in mind for next year, Deidara, as you obviously won't need any presents."
Deidara grinned sheepishly. "Um, I mean, I love Christmas! Peace and goodwill and all of that!"
Pein gave him a dubious glance. "Zetsu, it's your line." He handed the book to Zetsu.
"Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about," he read quickly before tossing the book back to Pein.
"'So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.'" Zetsu kicked an unwilling Hidan over to the cardboard box that had been appointed the manger. "Hidan, you're supposed to worship the doll."
"I'm a sheep. Sheep can't worship."
Pein sighed. "'During the time of King Herod, Wise Men from the east came to Jerusalem.'"
"Finally, we get to do something!" Tobi exclaimed. He'd been tired of sitting still for so long.
"Where is he who has been born King of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him," Sasori said, lacking enthusiasm. When Deidara looked at him, he added, "I've been here longer than you. I know all these stupid lines."
"Hang on, who's Herod? How come we didn't hear about him before?" Hidan wanted to know.
"He's the king, and he wants to kill the baby," Pein said.
"How come we don't have a Herod? Can I be Herod?" he asked eagerly.
Pein sighed. "Sure, anything to get you excited about the Christmas story. Anyway, 'when King Herod heard this he was disturbed.'"
"Yeah, I'm disturbed!" Hidan said. "So I've got a great idea! I'll go kill this kid!"
"Hidan, follow the script. Read your line," Pein said, giving him the book.
"'Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.' And then kill him."
"He doesn't say that," Pein said, taking the book away from him. "Now sit down. Herod's not important anymore. 'After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him.'" Pein looked up to see the threesome standing there. "Go worship him!"
"I'm not worshiping Itachi!" Deidara protested.
Pein gritted his teeth. "Not Itachi, the baby. Now go worship it!" Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi quickly complied. "'Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and incense and myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.'"
"So Herod doesn't get to kill the baby?" Hidan was annoyed. "What's up with that?"
Pein buried his head in his hands. "You're hopeless, Hidan. You're all hopeless. Merry Christmas." And with that, he slammed the book shut and left the room.
The Akatsuki members all looked at each other, then shrugged. They resumed the activities they'd been doing, almost like nothing had happened.
Pein sighed. "They'll never learn, will they?"