(Untitled)

[gansje]

It occurs to me (post quirkytizzy’s question) that I’ve never written a single, unified post about The Wastrel and why I divorced him. I guess that would be because we were together for three or four years before we got married, and then we were married for 16 years before we separated. That’s either 19 or 20 years of the small, accumulated moments

Comments

[msmidge]

With that context, I say: The Wastrel deserves to live with his mother. The two of them deserve each other forever. Also, I am doubly, triply glad your lawyer told him you can take from the retirement account that would have gone to him to pay yourself back for Adam's college expenses.

[gansje]

OMG, I though you knew that whole backstory! Now I'm really glad that I posted that!

[msmidge]

Not all the details, although the overall sketch of The Wastrel's personality was clear enough to me.

[fragbert]

I clicked. I read the whole thing. Wastrel has a classic case of narcissistic personality disorder. My mother had it, although not nearly to his level.

And because I always turn other peoples' things into things about me, after I read this, I sat here thinking, "And my last one left me after just two years...because I hurt her feelings?"

[gansje]

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute... She left you because you hurt her feelings?

[fragbert]

She and I have different recollections of how things went south, but my feelings can be summed up here: http://fragbert.livejournal.com/649438.html

[gansje]

Well, ok, everyone has their own narratives and boundaries but that seems extreme on her part. L and I try not to but inevitably do hurt each other's feelings. Not cause for anything other than a sincere apology, talking it out, and trying never to do it again. That said, that was the Wastrel's side of things: I hurt his feelings by failing to have faith in him, and I wouldn't work it out and didn't want therapy (the same therapy he refused for years on the grounds that he'd just get blamed for everything. He only threw out counseling when I filed and he got papers.)

[emmabovary]

He sounds gruesome. But it lead you to your wonderful husband. Still, a huge price to pay along the way. He is one breath away from living in a cardboard box, isn't he...but for his mother.

I made many many love decisions (most, probably) based on how flattered I was that this or that man found me desirable. I am very glad my girls don't seem to carry that poor personality trait. They will make love mistakes, no doubt about it, but they don't seem to be making this particular one.

[gansje]

Thank goodness the girls don't think that way. I suspect it has quite a lot do do with excellent parenting.

[quirkytizzy]

Holeeeee shiieeeetttt. Everything you wrote? EVERYTHING? DAVID. IS SO DAVID. FROM WHY I THOUGHT I LOVED HIM TO THE SHITTY STUFF HE DID. Oh god. Oh god. The whole pipe dreams? David was constantly going on about being a genetic scientist and dropping out of each goddamn semester (which I was paying for!) Complaining about work being sooo tough when I was putting in 60 hour weeks (when he was working at all!), the living at home and bitching about it, just...

I'm so sorry you dealt with that. But you're not alone. Love can make us so blind. The important part is that you figured it out at all. So many of us don't.

Wow. This was an extremely informative post. You are SO STRONG in having gotten away and better yet - building a better life and a better relationship!

Also, dicks like that never connect their shitty behavior to us not wanting to fuck them, even if we tell them. Ugh. UGH.

[gansje]

You know, in part I wanted to post this to help you work out some of your confusion and anger around David. I suspected you'd find this useful!

You know, I've come to the conclusion that despite the fact that there have to be about 4,000 ways to be a dick, abusive people all gravitate toward the same range of behaviors. It's like they go to some kind of "Asshole Prep School," got the same syllabus, and are applying the same lessons uniformly across the board.

"Gaslight your partner... check. Did that. Use sex as a cudgel... check. Got it. OH, I nearly forgot to make sure I undermined self esteem today! Glad I used this handy checklist!"

[rainbowfox9]

Your raw clarity about this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. It's not easy to read, but I'm glad it's out there.

[gansje]

Aw, thanks!

[gfrancie]

That most dangerous quality: charm.
This was sort of like reading about my Father. My Mother has never had the highest self-esteem, and when she met my Father, he was charming. Oh so charming. And there were all the red flags. And it is so easy to brush those red flags aside.
"but but but..."
Sociopaths and their charm. It's like a horrible poison.

[gansje]

DEFINITELY. And their charm turns into a weapon others inadvertently use against you as well. I remember he charmed this one woman I knew. She was moving to DC for a new job and was taking an apartment down there to live in just weekdays. She didn't want to spend a lot of money on it because it was a placeholder for home in Philadelphia, with her family. She posted on the synagogue listserv that she wanted to buy a used TV for her apartment and I told her I had one and we set the price at $25 so she'd be satisfied she paid at least a little something, and I'd be satisfied she wasn't extending herself too much). I wasn't home when she picked it up, Rich was. He charmed the socks off of her.

Later, when she heard about the divorce, she looked at me, horrified, and said, "Oh, but he's such a nice man! Why would you do that?"

GUILT. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT.

[rainbowfox9]

You want to say, "Oh, but you don't know what he's like behind closed doors, in his comfort zone. Then his *nastiness* will horrify you."