and all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
Be My Escape - Relient K
The rest of this post is completely unrelated to lyrics! Hahaha.
The last few days have thrown me for a loop. I guess this has been building for a little while, but some elements finally crashed together. And I'm just having some trouble thinking about anything else, so I'm going to make myself write a few things down here.
I'm never too sure what I've said here before. I always feel like I only say the most negative things about my family, and I must create a terrible impression of them. I've said awful things before, I know I have. Please remember always to take my words as the biased source I am, and know I only speak of these things when I'm in an unkind or otherwise unfair state of mind.
My mother drinks too much. She's an alcoholic. It seems to come in waves - she's never not looking forward to going out again, but sometimes it's reasonable and sometimes it's really not. Right now she's pretty entrenched in an unreasonable phase. She goes out every day, but she can't seem to afford groceries. She and my younger brother are back on horrible terms (though that situation is never less than tenuous). I've hardly seen her this... year, I suppose, so far. She's not there when I visit, and she's always been otherwise engaged at the times our weekly family dinner would usually take place (which means I haven't seen my older brother this year either, sad as that is).
She asked me to lend her some money a few weeks ago. I couldn't not, hardly wouldn't, but it makes me feel sick. I don't have the first clue how to help. What am I supposed to do, scold her? My mother is a horrific escapist, and I've inherited every part of that. We might not avoid things in the same ways, but it's something we absolutely have in common. She's not oblivious, she knows all her flaws. She has a very low opinion of herself, and I'm not convinced that reinforcing that could possibly help.
But what else is there? Just ignore it? I gave her the money then, and sure enough she needed more today. Which I gave her again. Of course. She was getting ready to go out even while I was there, promising she'd pay me back soon. I don't care about getting it back, I care about where it's going. I checked the fridge while I was there, and found very little.
I paid for Charlie's last driving lesson. I do everything I can while he's here, at my father's.
At my father's, hahah. My dad is planning to move in with his girlfriend in April. This is the same girlfriend who quite vehemently dislikes the fact my father has children. That is a topic all of its own, I am not getting into it now. My older brother, Jimi, will be moving in, and I will become his lodger. I'm trying not to think about that too much, because it's going to be very strange. The point is, I don't know what's going to happen with Charlie.
This is how I deal with all of it, all of this. I just go 'what is the best thing I can do for Charlie?', and right now I just have no idea. I don't know how I'm going to take care of him when my father moves out. I don't know how much they will see each other. My younger brother feels neglected and unvalued, and I have no idea how to convince him otherwise.
He's far from flawless, that brother of mine. Anyone who's met him can attest to this, haha. I am still amazed he went all the way through school without getting expelled. He's in college now, but I have no idea what his future is supposed to be. He's enjoying himself right now, catering and in the company of friends, but he looks at his family and... I have no idea what positive he can possibly see.
I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Ghhh, when do I ever?
So I gave my mother the money, and I feel sick. I don't know how to help her, and I feel sick. My brother is neglected, and I feel sick. And my father... is the great mystery, and. I feel sick.
If I'm my mother's escapist, then I'm my father's distance. It's not a brilliant combination of traits, is it? Haha, ahh...
Last night, me and my father sat in his parked car and spoke for over an hour. More accurately, he spoke. I don't think he talks openly to anyone but me, honestly. He wondered if he did right by us all. He wondered if he shouldn't have just disappeared ten years ago, when mother ended their marriage. He wondered if he's made good decisions, and assured me he has only ever tried to do what he considers best. He... had plenty to say. And he's wondering if he's making the right decisions now. Doing right by Jimi is doing wrong by Charlie, trying to sustain his relationship with his girlfriend is putting a strain on his relationship with his children. He doesn't... haha, know what the right thing to do is.
He explained to me that people call him cold and distant, and say he comes over as aggressive. And god, he is. He does. He has such an aggressive mode of address, such an aggressive way of presenting himself. Not violent, honestly not hateful, but aggressive? So much. And he just got so quiet and so downturned, and just. told me that he doesn't mean to be. He doesn't try to be. And I know this, I've always known all of this, but I never... I didn't credit him as being that self-aware, that's the truth of it. Because I'm a nasty piece of work, one who holds herself apart from people, seems to think she can pick traits apart and dissect people with emotionless logic.
And he called me out. He pointed out that he doesn't know anything about me. I sit here and I type, and he doesn't know what I'm typing. He doesn't know what I do, or what I like. I don't talk about myself at all. I have. HAH, god, I never credited him that, either. I had no idea he even realised that I held myself away from him in that way. How much do I hurt my friends and family, being this way? Why do I maintain this nonsense illusion that they don't recognise the way I keep them at arm's length? I consider myself open and unashamed, but try talking to me sometime. Good luck with that.
This is such a stupid update. I don't know what I'm trying to talk about at all, I have no idea what I'm trying to say. I get so caught up in this idea that I have to do the right thing, find the right way to help my family and protect my stupid kid brother, and really? I'm not some benevolent outside influence. I'm just as much a part of the mechanism, just as much a contributing factor. What makes me think I can help? Where do I justify even trying to think in such terms? It's all a mess.
This was just... an attempt to think. I'm not really sure it's worked, but. Hahaha, ahhh. This is formless, it is only what it is. Don't try to make anything of it. I'll figure things out.
For now, I will sleep.
The rest of this post is completely unrelated to lyrics! Hahaha.
The last few days have thrown me for a loop. I guess this has been building for a little while, but some elements finally crashed together. And I'm just having some trouble thinking about anything else, so I'm going to make myself write a few things down here.
I'm never too sure what I've said here before. I always feel like I only say the most negative things about my family, and I must create a terrible impression of them. I've said awful things before, I know I have. Please remember always to take my words as the biased source I am, and know I only speak of these things when I'm in an unkind or otherwise unfair state of mind.
My mother drinks too much. She's an alcoholic. It seems to come in waves - she's never not looking forward to going out again, but sometimes it's reasonable and sometimes it's really not. Right now she's pretty entrenched in an unreasonable phase. She goes out every day, but she can't seem to afford groceries. She and my younger brother are back on horrible terms (though that situation is never less than tenuous). I've hardly seen her this... year, I suppose, so far. She's not there when I visit, and she's always been otherwise engaged at the times our weekly family dinner would usually take place (which means I haven't seen my older brother this year either, sad as that is).
She asked me to lend her some money a few weeks ago. I couldn't not, hardly wouldn't, but it makes me feel sick. I don't have the first clue how to help. What am I supposed to do, scold her? My mother is a horrific escapist, and I've inherited every part of that. We might not avoid things in the same ways, but it's something we absolutely have in common. She's not oblivious, she knows all her flaws. She has a very low opinion of herself, and I'm not convinced that reinforcing that could possibly help.
But what else is there? Just ignore it? I gave her the money then, and sure enough she needed more today. Which I gave her again. Of course. She was getting ready to go out even while I was there, promising she'd pay me back soon. I don't care about getting it back, I care about where it's going. I checked the fridge while I was there, and found very little.
I paid for Charlie's last driving lesson. I do everything I can while he's here, at my father's.
At my father's, hahah. My dad is planning to move in with his girlfriend in April. This is the same girlfriend who quite vehemently dislikes the fact my father has children. That is a topic all of its own, I am not getting into it now. My older brother, Jimi, will be moving in, and I will become his lodger. I'm trying not to think about that too much, because it's going to be very strange. The point is, I don't know what's going to happen with Charlie.
This is how I deal with all of it, all of this. I just go 'what is the best thing I can do for Charlie?', and right now I just have no idea. I don't know how I'm going to take care of him when my father moves out. I don't know how much they will see each other. My younger brother feels neglected and unvalued, and I have no idea how to convince him otherwise.
He's far from flawless, that brother of mine. Anyone who's met him can attest to this, haha. I am still amazed he went all the way through school without getting expelled. He's in college now, but I have no idea what his future is supposed to be. He's enjoying himself right now, catering and in the company of friends, but he looks at his family and... I have no idea what positive he can possibly see.
I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Ghhh, when do I ever?
So I gave my mother the money, and I feel sick. I don't know how to help her, and I feel sick. My brother is neglected, and I feel sick. And my father... is the great mystery, and. I feel sick.
If I'm my mother's escapist, then I'm my father's distance. It's not a brilliant combination of traits, is it? Haha, ahh...
Last night, me and my father sat in his parked car and spoke for over an hour. More accurately, he spoke. I don't think he talks openly to anyone but me, honestly. He wondered if he did right by us all. He wondered if he shouldn't have just disappeared ten years ago, when mother ended their marriage. He wondered if he's made good decisions, and assured me he has only ever tried to do what he considers best. He... had plenty to say. And he's wondering if he's making the right decisions now. Doing right by Jimi is doing wrong by Charlie, trying to sustain his relationship with his girlfriend is putting a strain on his relationship with his children. He doesn't... haha, know what the right thing to do is.
He explained to me that people call him cold and distant, and say he comes over as aggressive. And god, he is. He does. He has such an aggressive mode of address, such an aggressive way of presenting himself. Not violent, honestly not hateful, but aggressive? So much. And he just got so quiet and so downturned, and just. told me that he doesn't mean to be. He doesn't try to be. And I know this, I've always known all of this, but I never... I didn't credit him as being that self-aware, that's the truth of it. Because I'm a nasty piece of work, one who holds herself apart from people, seems to think she can pick traits apart and dissect people with emotionless logic.
And he called me out. He pointed out that he doesn't know anything about me. I sit here and I type, and he doesn't know what I'm typing. He doesn't know what I do, or what I like. I don't talk about myself at all. I have. HAH, god, I never credited him that, either. I had no idea he even realised that I held myself away from him in that way. How much do I hurt my friends and family, being this way? Why do I maintain this nonsense illusion that they don't recognise the way I keep them at arm's length? I consider myself open and unashamed, but try talking to me sometime. Good luck with that.
This is such a stupid update. I don't know what I'm trying to talk about at all, I have no idea what I'm trying to say. I get so caught up in this idea that I have to do the right thing, find the right way to help my family and protect my stupid kid brother, and really? I'm not some benevolent outside influence. I'm just as much a part of the mechanism, just as much a contributing factor. What makes me think I can help? Where do I justify even trying to think in such terms? It's all a mess.
This was just... an attempt to think. I'm not really sure it's worked, but. Hahaha, ahhh. This is formless, it is only what it is. Don't try to make anything of it. I'll figure things out.
For now, I will sleep.