Monthly News and Missions!
~THE LIGHTNING POST~
3nd edition, Nov. 3nd, y20347
A Runaway Success!
The metaphorical curtain closed on the final act of Mr. Nails' Wild Boy street act outside the Snowglobe at the end of this month. Many are sad to see it go, but most are glad they can once again pass in front of the famous theater without being aurally assaulted by Mr. Nail's creative language and thinly-veiled sexual harassment.
Mimes Busted!
The Night Watch has uncovered and arrested several mimes on multiple charges of theft, as well as individual charges of Being Mimes, which in itself is a crime punishable by 40 days locked in an invisible-but-viable box. Most of the stolen money has not, however, been located; authorities are of the opinion that it has already been moved off-station.
Public Execution
After many delays and even more paperwork, the public execution of infamous dolphin-torturer Killer Souldick was finally held on the 18th of October, with well over 1,000 audience members in attendance. Attendee response was mixed. "I was expecting something a little messier," one member of the audience commented. "Quite frankly, I'm a little disappointed." Said another audience member, "I thought a bugblatter beast would look more...well...real, y'know? I didn't realize they looked like badly-made two-person Halloween costumes."
Peaceful Protests
The visit to the moon of Chang-Er was unusually peaceful, with both protestors and counter-protestors mostly eschewing violence. An unidentified source stated, "I'm shocked and disappointed. Doesn't anyone know how to protest anymore?" Overall, critics rated the performance of protestors and Defense Force alike as "Unconvincing." In a perhaps unrelated note, popcorn sales this month were down 36%.
The natives refused to comment to our reporter, but it is believed rabbit casualties could have been in the thousands.
Grocery Store Thefts!
Grocery Stores have had trouble with shoplifting lately. On October 9th a shoplifter made it out of the Blobbly Wobbly Grocery with eggs, milk, and other groceries. Suspect was not successfully apprehended by security officer on duty.
Later the same day, two vandals entered the Happy Mart Market and destroyed a piece of merchandise in the dairy/live foods section. They were spotted by a store clerk and told they would have to pay for it. They refused and promptly made a quick getaway. The perpetrators were described by witnesses as a small human woman dressed completely in black, wearing a hood to hide her identity; and a very tall human in a green coat, hood with fur trim, and a white mask with a red and black markings and what looked to be a black number 6.
Grocery stores will be stepping up loss prevention measures.
Mochi Madness
A sharp spike in recent tourism to the moon Chang Er has resulted in a nearly unprecedented number of sales of the moon's chief export, mochi. The pounded rice-paste dish is so popular with tourists the natives are scrambling to come up with newer, more pleasing flavors to tempt the discerning space traveler. Some of the most popular include 'Root Beer', 'Chives and Sour Cream', 'Catnip', and 'Sponge'.
Trick-or-Eat?
Thanks to the work of the Praxis'ons, the extremely unsafe trick-or-treating conditions forced hundreds of local children to stay at home this Hallowe'en. "I'm glad it was just a prank," says one concerned mother. "But really, what am I supposed to do with all this candy I bought for the trick-or-treaters? It's certainly not fit for my children's consumption." An unintended side-effect of this Hallowe'en trick is an unfortunate surplus of unwanted candy. Several tons of perfectly edible, sugary sweets have been stored in an empty warehouse in the basement level until someone figures out what to do with it.
Seven Dead in Fatal Lab Accident
The S.S. Thor labs suffered a setback this month as one of their experiments went awry, resulting in the deaths of several employees. "It was terrible," quoted one survivor. "One minute everything was fine and the next, alarms were going off and people were dying!"
A memorial service was held a few days after the event and widely attended by lab employees and their families. "I just don't understand how this could have happened," sobbed the wife of one of the victims. "He was a good man and he never hurt anyone! He was just so devoted to science!"
The cause of the tragedy is still unclear. The investigation is ongoing.
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Specialties include:
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Has Worked With Previously:
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