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~THE LIGHTNING POST~
6th edition, March 5th, y20348
Valentine's Day fire at local pub
The Saucy Underdog suffered from a devastating fire on Valentine's day as the result of what witnesses report as a fairly routine bar brawl going horribly, horribly wrong. The Underdog lost everything in its interior to the raging inferno, the true cause of which has yet to be determined. Locals are quick to point the finger at the ever-growing refugee population, but lack of solid evidence has meant slow going on investigations.
Metal Angel basis for founding of new religion
With a flash of light reflected off of gleaming white wings and a spray of water dazzling the senses, a fifty-foot tall mechanical angel has put the Fear of Non-denominational Omniscient Deity (or Nod for short) into a goodly collection of the native populous of Subaqua. Seemingly overnight a religion based on revering the metal apparition has taken hold, and weekly gatherings have begun taking place as a way for like-minded locals to come together in worship and prayer as they plan war against the non-believers.
Submarine pilot punches whale, saves passengers
In an uncommon show of brute strength and heroism, one of the submarine pilots hired by the Subaqua Tourism Department this past month saved all of his passengers and most of his submarine by literally punching a whale - which had partially swallowed the sub - in the mouth. The sheer force of the blow was enough to convince the whale to spit out the sub and to shove off for safer waters.
Candy Hearts Strain Ship's Capacity
The dragons may be gone, but they've left mounds and mounds of candy hearts in their wake - several tonnes, in fact. Quoted a harried crewman, "I don't know what we're going to do with them all! The hold's filled to overflowing and the Captain won't let me just space them." This reporter isn't sure what anyone would do with that much candy, but our suggestion line is open!
Beauty Pagent a must-see!
If you're a bipedal ape-descended male of any age than the S.S. Thor Beauty Pageant this year was a must-see! Dazzling and beautiful bipedal ape-descended females (and one apparently gender-confused male) strutted their stuff in such categories as "Swimsuit Contest", "Evening Wear Contest", and "Talent Contest". The judges were hard-pressed to pick a winner from among all of these talented and beautiful individuals, but pick one they did!
Magical Super Space Rangers a runaway success!
Refugee-populated television series Magical Super Space Rangers came in at number one in popularity on local television networks all through the month of February this year! With its daring plot-twists, award-nominated dialogue, and fresh-faced cast, millions of viewers galaxy-wide are eager to see it continue. Unfortunately, the network is up in the air as to whether or not a second season will be filmed, and isn't even certain about whether or not they'll keep on the same actors for the second run.
Agricultural warfare
The turf war between V- and X-sector agricultural units came to a head this past month, with X-sector going so far as to mistakenly kidnap a useless hostage in an attempt to outmaneuver their main competitors. At last report, the situation had devolved in to the usual unarmed scuffle with the unfortunate hostage reportedly crushed underfoot in the chaos.
Valentine's Day Spirit Proves Contagious
This Valentine's Day, many ship residents found themselves overwhelmed by unusual feelings of happiness and goodwill. Even the Vogons were affected: several witnesses could only describe their reaction as "astonished" when an unnamed Vogon clerk shredded their paperwork and assured them it was entirely unnecessary, urging them instead to "go have fun!" As they scurried out the door, one eyewitness caught a glimpse of another clerk wearing something that seemed suspiciously like a party hat.
The effect was largely localized, but no explanation has yet been offered for this mood-altering phenomenon nor have there been any measures taken to prevent recurrence. Perhaps it should simply be attributed to the spirit of the holiday.
Spaceship Piloting Lessons Now Available
The SS Thor is now offering lessons for those who would like to learn to pilot spaceships. The entire course lasts three months and graduates will be fully licensed for small spacecraft.
All students must pay for the entire course up front and sign the safety waiver as well as forms 4-S, V, and M-9.
HELP WANTED
Maintenance
x) The S.S. Thor needs light-bulb changers. Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor needs sand cleaners to clear out sand from the engines of the shuttles. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
Delivery
x) Worm Wranglers needs people to go out and bring in baby sandworms. Slots: [5] Pay: [College Degree]
Culinary
x) Pizzeria Fabuloso needs pizza makers. Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Moseispay Frozen Treats needs ice cream scoopers. Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Uykasti Jisa Cantina needs waitstaff. Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Froods' Excellent Party Services needs caterers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The S.S. Thor needs candy lovers to eat the remaining candy hearts (payment upon completion). Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Just Desserts needs dessert lighters. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Two Elephants needs wait staff. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Sales
x) Razzle's Souvenir Shop needs sales clerks. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Natjaoppdoo Leathers needs leather workers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Nosehi Fine Liquors needs sales clerks. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Dessert's Trading Company needs traders to make the spice flow. Slots: [6] Pay: [College Degree]
Health and Safety
x) The S.S. Thor Hospital needs nurse aides. Slots: [5] Pay. [Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor Health Department needs inspectors. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The S.S. Thor Department of Parks and Recreation needs lifeguards. Slots: [6] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Residents Against Refugees needs protesters. Slots: [7] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Sri-whaknri Nightclub needs Bouncers. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Serenity Psychiatric Group needs anger management counselors. Slots: [3] Pay: [College Degree]
Culture and Couture
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x) BW's Magic Shop needs demonstrators. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Local band We Fight Snorflaxx needs promoters. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
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x) The S.S. Thor Department of Parks and Recreation needs caddies. Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Ice Champion's Ice Rink needs people to clean the ice. Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor Heritage Committee needs beer dyers. Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Ice Champion's Ice Rink needs a panel of judges for their Masters on Ice figure skating competition. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Magic Marauder Studios needs level designers. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
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x) Space Chic Magazine needs a writer/photographer for their "Best Dressed of the Week" column. Slots: [3] Pay: [College Degree]
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Education
x) The S.S. Thor needs students. Slots: [unlimited] Pay: [Minimum] [***SPECIAL****]
x) The S.S. Thor needs Day-Care Sitters. [Slots: 5] [Pay: Minimum]
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x) The Seen Library needs librarians. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Toyneepa Stables needs riding instructors. Slots: [5] Pay: [College Degree]
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x) Wilfred Manastorm needs research assistants. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor Welcome Committee needs file clerks. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
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x) EverlastingTasks needs people to count grains of sand for hourglasses. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
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x) Dessert needs spice miners. Slots: [6] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Terjn Car'n needs farmhands. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Mysteries of the Unexplained needs sand beast hunters. Slots: [6] Pay: [College Degree]
Note: The missions will be posted on every floor of the S.S. Thor and can also be found in the Lightning Post for those already subscribing, as well as on the network. Unless otherwise stated it's first come first serve, so just reply to the right comment below and you'll get it! However, to make sure everyone has a chance to get a mission, you have to wait until Sunday before you can apply for a second one.
To see what the requirements are for applying for Somewhat Decent and College Degree Wage, go here, and make sure you comment if you want the promotion!
Each mission lasts a month, and the paycheck will be handed out after the mission has been completed.
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