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~THE LIGHTNING POST~
8th edition, June 1st, y20348
Red Dragon Fireworks recreates the Big Bang!
Or as close to it as they can get. Several chemists set up shop in one of the empty warehouses on the Thor's lower floors this month. The results of their labors were felt at one point throughout the entire ship when a grave miscalculation resulted in the explosion of an undisclosed amount of nitro left carelessly sitting out where any stray spark could catch it.
The chemists are still arguing amongst themselves attempting to pin the blame for such a grievous miscalculation. This reporter does not have high hopes for them resolving the issue any time soon.
Ghosts Spooked
There has reportedly been a dramatic decrease in the number of ghost sightings around the ship lately, according to paranormal experts. Once haunted by the wailing deceased, several ship warehouses have reopened poltergeist-free.
When asked about the sudden drop in haunts, one warehouse manager insisted there was never a haunting in the warehouse in the first place and that ‘delinquent kids’ were to blame. He was later found suspended to a ceiling beam by his belt, with a note that read ‘The truth is out there’.
Snow Globe Theater Plagued By Poltergeists, Improv
Actors and crew in the Snow Globe Theater were surprised to find themselves allegedly haunted this month. Costumes were sabotaged; props appeared and disappeared, and several reported hearing odd noises.
Even more peculiarly, a passion for improvisation seemed to take hold. By the end of the month, audiences had no idea what to expect, as entire scenes could be different from performance to performance. This latter affliction seemed to originate with the stunt doubles, but it spread rapidly. "I couldn't help myself," one sufferer said solemnly. "It was like I was possessed."
Ghostbusters called to the scene, however, found no sign of ghostly activity.
S.S. Thor Visited By Shadowlore Carnival
This month, the S.S. Thor was honored by an unusual visit from the Shadowlore Traveling Carnival. Unexpectedly happening upon the stranded vessel, the Carnival ship docked and quickly took over a section of the ship, offering a variety of diversions to the residents and even employment to some of the refugees.
"Space is a pretty big place," one of the carnies stated. "It's surprising any ship finds another out here - improbable, you might say. But that's how our business works. And while we're here, we'll do our thing."
He went on to explain that they weren't in the engine repair business, despite the emergency, and shouldn't be counted on to assist. "Leave that for the crew to worry about. The rest of you should just visit the carnival and have fun."
Fiasco In The Park!
After an accidental public display of a lover's spat, a great number of people became enraged over a pair of lovebirds trying to work through their issues! Apparently, when the crippled blond smoker discovered his lover was a transvestite, he was shocked disgusted! Another refugee, presumably a friend of the offended party, struck out in anger, and before long the lover's tiff had evolved into a great showdown in the park, which ended in a fierce amount of destruction.
It wasn't long after the combatants engaged until another (legitimate) woman entered the scene! We're not exactly sure what happened to end the whole fiasco, but the transvestite was seen later with another, smaller man in a black coat, and the offended party who began the row in the first place was hospitalized with the woman. We hope their "IV Drip" was suitable ...
As for the cripple? ... Who knows!
Maltreated Diplomat
The S.S. Thor, always home to politicians and tacticians from various worlds, was visited by a diplomat from Morrg recently. Lawyer Jolek Tipva, unfortunately, is complaining about the rudeness of our refugees during his stay. While in the elevator, he was rough-handled and insulted by two redheaded humans of great height, who called him heinous nicknames and insulted everything about him from his weight to his odor. (Well, let's face it, if the guy's from a planet named "Morrg"...) Jolek has signed a sworn oath to tell his people of the atrocities he faced while on our ship and vows he will not return until he receives a formal apology from his offenders.
Please, Thorians and Refugees alike, let us be more understanding of our alien visitors!
Kasavuya Nicketcha E Lakatecku Maleleayyomicky
Masay yukivi bala minyobiv biquir chippa revinda dy yama yo si. Wan ya tiv la rey, tippa yuvinda lakaetivur sippa myna si vim waakalayauim; ti vrka awsem lemana no vlip wrtick myamya. Resputibala la hackoy no missinvala. Hrrrrnaga lepa pebvreistcha dubu mi tuy.
Yavara la voyick see va! Suochouy!
//PRINTING PRESS NOTE: it seems our journalist lost his sight doing the Senses Deprivation Debacle from the Improbability Drive this month ... we apologize for the inconvenience! It won't happen again!!
Cockroaches in the Batter
The delicious cake of Thor has been infested with vermin! While even the normal and traditional little pest is enough to send any baker off for good, it seems as though recently a special breed of foreign insect have been spotted all across the ship. But it isn't the sugary icing they're after; it's flesh! Several inhabitants were attacked by human-eating cockroaches in the last month and much of the populous is in terror, knowing that these creatures are roaming about!
In addition to the cockroaches, there is also a large, vined planned that has apparently made a few residents high and tried to eat them, too. No one knows where these citizen-eating creatures are coming from, but there have been several chefs sent to fry the invasion!
Crime Rates On The Rise
While the S.S. Thor has always had its unsafe sides, law enforcers report that they've seen a steady change among the lower class. It seems like day in and day out, more violent refugees are coming to the ship, both blending in and stirring with the already established underground. Evidence of a blossoming Black Market continues to pop up as well as various groups that deal with both galaxies - illegal narcotics and substance abuse as well as trades in murder and assassinations.
The mystics of Sector B-14 are giving warnings of more violent times ahead, and enforcers can't help but agree with the speculation. While already at an all-time high, crime is projected to increase. Officers are in high demand as more violent offenders make their way to the ship.
HELP WANTED
Maintenance
x) The S.S. Thor needs Mattress Herders. Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor needs Door Greasers. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The S.S. Thor needs defrosters. Space suits required. [Slots: 8] [Pay: Somewhat Decent]
x) The S.S. Thor needs someone to clean pidgeon poo off statues in the park. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The SS Thor needs carpet cleaners - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Ra Sheed Spaceship Repairs needs mechanics. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The Mana Bar needs LAN Party Technical Support Personnel. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
Delivery
x) Pizzaxis needs Delivery Boys (all genders may apply). Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The Lightning Post needs someone to deliver the paper. Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Down Under BBQ needs Delivery Staff. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Culinary/Foodservice
x) Le Royal Hotelle needs pool boys to serve drinks to rich, bored socialites (uniform provided; all genders welcome). Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Le Royal Hotelle needs palm frond fanners to gently fan rich, bored socialites (uniform provided; all genders welcome). Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The Dwarfed Giraffe needs Bartenders. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Stellar Ale needs Brewery Workers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Prince Pukler's Ice Cream Palace needs Ice Cream Makers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Prince Pukler's Ice Cream Palace needs Managers. Slots: [2] Pay: [CEO Level]
x) Harry's on the Pier needs Waitstaff. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Tiny Umbrellas Beachside Bar needs bartenders. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Lucky Chibawa Casino needs waitstaff. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Got Crabs? needs crab catchers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Lime in the Coconut needs Palm Tree shakers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Lime in the Coconut needs coconut milk collecters. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
Sales/Retail
x) Elgar's Electronics Emporium is hiring store clerks. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Sloorckhar's Video Rental needs clerks. Slots: [2] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Irrgnar's Interesting Imports is hiring store clerks. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Ch'ku'thun's Books is hiring store clerks. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Mowie Souviners and Gifts needs salespeople. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Tiki TaCk needs Tacky Iiawahan Shirt sellers. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
Health and Safety
x) The Bay Watch needs lifeguards. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) St. Xlakkyr XVII Memorial Hospital needs laundry room attendants. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) St. Xlakkyr XVII Memorial Hospital needs nurses. Short skirts and cat ears are mandatory. All genders may apply [Slots: 5] [Pay: Somewhat Decent]
x) St. Xlakkyr XVII Memorial Hospital needs receptionists. Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
Culture and Couture
x) Space Chic Magazine needs a writer/photographer for their "Best Dressed of the Week" column. Slots: [3] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Watery Tart Swimwear needs models. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Iiawah Tourism Inc needs tour guides. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Iiawah Tourism Inc needs people to dress up as natives for the guided tours. Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Iiawah Tourism Inc needs Sand castle architects. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Iiawah Crab Festival needs judges. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Iiawah Crab Festival needs crab racers. Slots: [6] Pay: [College Degree]
Education
x) The S.S. Thor needs students. Slots: [unlimited] Pay: [Minimum] [***SPECIAL****]
x) The S.S. Thor needs Day-Care Sitters. Slots: [5] [Pay: Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor needs teachers. Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Seen Library needs librarians. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Entertainment
x) Orbit Racetrack needs creature feeders. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Orbit Racetrack needs stall muckers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Orbit Racetrack needs betting booth clerks. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Beachy Keen Parties needs cabana boys/girls. Slots: [6] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Mana Bar needs game demonstrators. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Got Crabs? needs crab wrestlers. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
Arts and Humanities
x) The Snow Globe is looking for Zero-G performance artists. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Thor Community College is requesting live models for the Advanced Arts program (all lifeforms welcome) Slots [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Black Hole photography development assistants. Slots: [2] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Luau Luau Hula School is in need of dancers. Slots: [3] Pay: [College Degree]
Sports and Recreation
x) Paradise Gardens Golf Course needs caddies. Slots: [6] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Paradise Gardens Golf Course needs golf pros. Slots: [4] Pay: [CEO Level]
x) Got Crabs? Needs crab fishermen. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Elastics Testers are needed for the Extreme Bungie Jump LTD - Slots [4] Pay: [College Degree]
News, Media, and Publishing
x) The Vogons needs copy-editors for their poetry. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) It's In the Stars magazine needs astrologers. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The Lightning Post needs Editorial writers. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
Sciences, Research, and Testing
x) Prof. Winifred Schneckelford needs test subjects. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Acme Safety Products needs Shark Repellent Testers. Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
Miscellaneous
x) Shiny Diamond Surfboards needs surfboard waxers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Daisy Fields Funerary needs Morticians. Slots: [2] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Daisy Fields Funerary needs Funeral Directors. Slots: [3] Pay: [CEO level]
Apprentices needed: 1-4, any gender.
Job description: Mentoring and physical training for young protagonists who have not yet completed their journey to manhood. Would-be swordsmen and/or arsonists encouraged. Layabouts and those not compatible with DS Lite need not apply.
Note: The missions will be posted on every floor of the S.S. Thor and can also be found in the Lightning Post for those already subscribing, as well as on the network. Unless otherwise stated it's first come first serve, so just reply to the right comment below and you'll get it! However, to make sure everyone has a chance to get a mission, you have to wait until Friday before you can apply for a second one.
To see what the requirements are for applying for Somewhat Decent, College Degree, and CEO level Wages, go here, and make sure you comment if you want the promotion!
Each mission lasts a month, and the paycheck will be handed out after the mission has been completed.
Replies will be in character. Please wait until all the jobs have been listed before commenting. Start a new thread for any OOC questions. And keep spam to a minimum! (...lol...)