Monthly news and missions!
~THE LIGHTNING POST~
2nd edition, Oct. 2nd, y20347
Dolphin Torturer Scheduled For Execution!
The execution of the notorious dolphin torturer "Killer Souldick" has finally been scheduled to happen on Sunday, October 18th at 6:02 pm. "You cannot rush an execution," said one vogon officer when asked about the delay. "Do you have the right authorization to inquire about the case? That is form 107d. I will need that in triplicate, thank you."
According to our sources the real reason justice has not yet been served, is that all attempts to apprehend the criminal have failed. Questions regarding the passengers' safety aboard the S.S. Thor are left unanswered.
An Autumn Morning Tragedy Beneath the Ever-Shining Moon Of Planet Vorluxx 10!
The preparations for the long-awaited play An Autumn Morning Tragedy Beneath the Ever-Shining Moon Of Planet Vorluxx 10 are finally complete! You can watch the play at the Snow Globe every weekend this month. Tickets are being sold outside the theater.
Mechanical Cows?!
Rumor has it that the lower-floor farms have acquired Robot Cows. A very excited scientist informed us that these cows have all the properties of normal cows, in addition to being able to shoot lasers from their eyes. However, not everyone is as happy about this recent development. "What will we make our hamburgers from now?" says one employer at Space Burglers. The Lightning Post has been assured that the fast-food restaurant will still continue its business as usual.
Spontaneous Beard Combustion!
Mister Fairhair Hairfair, owner of Orion's Belt, suffered an unfortunate bit of vandalism the other night as he was taking a break from the day's accounting. "I just sat down in the back for a quick kip, right? Next thing I know, I wake up and me beard's aflame!" While Mr. Hairfair is certain this tragic beard fire was no accident, authorities are unable to come up with any logical explanation that would point to deliberate arson.
"Must'a been one o' them...whaddaya callits, cases o' spontaneous combustion," states the deputy assigned to investigate the case. "'Appens all the time in backwaters an' the like, if ye know what I'm sayin'. When authorities questioned Mr. Hairfair's employees, all expressed varying degrees of surprise and astonishment. "He [censored] deserved it, if you ask me," said one of the store's extremely popular window models. "[censored] creepy-ass mother-[censored]."
Though authorities have no suspects at this time, they will continue to thoroughly investigate the matter, at Mr. Hairfair's insistence.
Copy-room heist
A recent discrepancy in the number of sheets of paper in the copy room at New Arrivals when checked against the inventory list for that same room has caused quite an uproar among some of the workers there.
"Sure, it was 'just' fifty sheets of off-white 60lb copy paper," says one disgruntled Vogon clerk. "But if we allow things like this to slip by under the radar all the time, where would we be? Giving out free pens? Hey, did you fill out the proper form for that...!?"
A Once In A Lifetime Sale!
Claude Maximillian Overton Transpire Dibbler is now selling his trademark 'pies with personality' and 'sausages-inna-bun' for so low that he's "cutting me own throat". And, for a limited time only, sushi! Made from the freshest ingredients, Mister Dibbler promises they'll give you a "whale of a time".
HELP WANTED
Maintenance
i) The S.S. Thor needs defrosters. Space suits required. [Slots: 8] [Pay: Minimum]
ii) The Recyclo-den needs someone to remove metal spirals from note books. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
iii) The S.S. Thor needs someone to change the light bulbs. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
iv) The S.S. Thor needs toilet uncloggers. Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
Delivery
i) Captains of the S.S. Thor want Chang Er grade moon cheese. [Slots: 5] [Pay: Minimum] [***SPECIAL EVENT JOB***]
ii) Captains of the S.S. Thor want wood chips from the trees. [Slots: 5] [Pay: Somewhat Decent] [***SPECIAL EVENT JOB***]
Culinary
i) Aunty Glady's Bakery needs cake decorators. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
ii) Lux needs waiters. Slots: [2] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
iii) Lux needs a bartender. Slots: [1] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Culture and Couture
i) The X09 Salon needs Waxers. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
ii) The X09 Salon needs hairdressers. [Slots: 5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
iii) The Seen Library needs librarians. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Health and Safety
i) PETA is also looking for firemen to save the rabbits! [Slots: 5] [Pay: Minimum] [***SPECIAL EVENT JOB***]
ii) The S.S. Thor needs a defense force against PETA [Slots: 7] [Pay: Minimum]
iii) St. Xlakkyr XVII Memorial Hospital needs nurses. Short skirts and cat ears are mandatory. All genders may apply [Slots: 3] [Pay: Somewhat Decent]
iv) Chi'xtr, the teenage celebrity, needs bodyguards. Slots: [2] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
v) The S.S Thor needs counselors. For traumatic events big and small! [Slots: 5] [Pay: Somewhat Decent]
vi) The S.S. Thor needs a Night Watch. Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
vii) The Vogons need Bounty Hunters to capture Killer Souldick [Slots: Unlimited] [Pay: Credit Reward] [***SPECIAL EVENT JOB***]
Miscellaneous
i) The Superstitious need fortune tellers. [Slots: 4] [Pay: Minimum]
ii) Day-Care Sitters needed for children of a species that runs entirely on sugar and caffeine [Slots: 4] [Pay: Minimum]
iii) PETA [planetary-wide enticing treatment of animals] is looking for protesters! [Slots: 7] [Pay: Minimum]
iv) The S.S. Thor needs conductors for their shuttles, to bring people to the surface of Chang Er. Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum] [***SPECIAL EVENT JOB***]
v) The S.S. Thor labs need test subjects. Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
vi) The Snow Globe needs street performers. Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Note: The missions will be posted on every floor of the S.S. Thor and can also be found in the Lightning Post for those already subscribing, as well as on the network. Unless otherwise stated it's first come first serve, so just reply to the right comment below and you'll get it! However, to make sure everyone has a chance to get a mission, you have to wait until Monday before you can apply for a second one.
To see what the requirements are for applying for Somewhat Decent Wage, go here, and make sure you comment if you want the promotion!
Each mission lasts a month, and the paycheck will be handed out after the mission has been completed.
Replies will be in character. Please wait until all the jobs have been listed, and start a new thread for any OOC questions. And keep the spam to a minimum~
...and sorry about the delay. .__.