Second email to Ellie.
Dear Elle,
Ok, here's the important email, the one about the advice Hemi gave me, and about Dash, and about my own thoughts on the matter, and some of my fears, and this is big, so I didn't want to sully it with jackassery. This one's harder to write, and I've had to redo it a few times. Hell, I've been trying to write it for months.
I've realized I'm situationally bisexual.
Yes. You read that right. I'll say it again. Sometimes? I like men. Well, one.
Goddess, this is so weird to even type, I haven't even been able to journal about it privately.
I told you about the shit that happened to Dash, at the end of last year. And it was right around finals, and I wasn't there enough for him, but over the summer, more often than not, I ended up being his teddy bear. We got /massively/ smashed one night, (ok, a lot of nights. Dash drinks a lot,) and next thing you know, we were having sex. And I liked it. (It shouldn't be a huge surprise, in some ways. He's disgustingly similar to me, but with a dick attached. Does this mean it's masturbation?) And it didn't stop, we kept it up. Oh, sure, Karli joined us, and I could fool myself for a while, by pretending it was ok because a girl was attached, or it wasn't /real/ sex with Dash because it wasn't with a girl, (I know too many girls who have sex with other women, but it doesn't count because it's with a girl,) or other rationalizations, including just not looking at it.
I ended up talking to Hemi at the bar, the other night, and it kind of all came out and he pointed out that I need to basically get over myself, I'm not really just a lesbian anymore, not if I sleep with guys, and that people evolve, learn, change. In this case, it's not...it's that I've added to my definition of myself.
I still feel a little lost. I mean, I identify as a lesbian. I don't walk around looking at men as possible sexual partners. I still prefer boobs. (Dash keeps saying that that's ok, so does he.)
And the fears part: some people will think this is a reaction to being attacked for being a known dyke. I'm likely to get a /lot/ of shit for it from the local lesbian community, who regard bisexuality as a copout. I don't want Dash to be regarded as my 'beard', either, I'm not screwing him in order to try to be normal, because normal isn't /my/ watchword. And it's not like I'm going to stop sleeping with women, since it's two best friends who fuck, sometimes, but still go after other people. I suspect that, someday, he's going to find someone to be the Nora to his Nick, and then we'll just go back to being best friends who don't fuck, and I'll find a regular girlfriend. And that I'll miss that part of our relationship when he does. (Ok, just the knowledge that I'll miss it also is surprising.)
But it's still weird, Elle, and I still don't know how to deal with it, precisely. When I admitted to him that I was situationally bi, (and I came out to Trisha, too, and don't think it doesn't weird me out to be coming out as liking the occasional cock!) he wanted to know if that meant we could have PDAs, now. And I didn't flip, although I wasn't in the least comfortable. I'm still waffling a lot about how I feel. Some hours, I'm fine with it, and fuck you if you're not, and other hours, I'm back to freaking out. It's at least as bad as when I came out as gay to my mom and dad. And after The Evil Ones, I'm /still/ freaking about thinking about being in a relationship.
Write back, ok? I need to hear from you.
Love,
Louie