48134!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe it I need less than 2000 words to meet my goal. *Snoopy Dance*
Okay, once again the cutline is there so that the unaware do not stumble onto this story without fair warning that it contains male/male relationship and sexual activity.
Saturday, December 23, 1972
Garret is going to freak out when he gets home and I tell him what I’ve decided to do. I’m tired of hiding from my family. I’ve decided to come out to my parents. I’m not telling them about Garret and I but I don’t want to go on pretending that I’m something I’m not.
I want to be honest with my parents.
Sunday, December 24, 1972
He left, we had a huge fight and he left. I guess he’ll never be able to stand being honest about his feelings or anything else that might threaten his perception of himself.
I don’t think he’ll be gone long; he didn’t take anything with him, not even his bus pass.
Sunday, December 24, 1972
Well, Garret’s back and I’ve told him I won’t say anything to my parents. I realized I have a choice, tell them or keep Garret for as long as I can.
I can wait until he’s gone if it means having what I can of him. Once he marries Maggie, there won’t be any reason for me to hide anymore, but there won’t be much reason for anything anymore.
God, I would hide forever if it means keeping him. If I thought he’d stay I’d do anything. I can see now that Jeannette is right. When he leaves, I’m going to go into a freefall if I don’t start preparing for it now. I’m walking through quicksand and the day he leaves, I’ll sink if I don’t have something to hold onto.
How do I prepare myself to be strong when he goes if I can’t be strong enough to live with the consequences of making him choose now? I know he chooses me secretly but openly he chooses himself and his pride. Maybe he doesn’t love me enough to risk what others think of him, but at least I have him for now.
Sunday, December 31, 1972 11:30PM
He’s out with her tonight and I’m sitting here alone with Guy Lombardo on the TV. Happy New Year.
I wish he could grow up and see that neither of us is going to be happy if he keeps trying to live straight in public, but love me behind closed doors. It just can’t work; we’re going to tear apart if he doesn’t grow a backbone.
I want to just stand in the middle of the quad and scream out ‘I’m queer and I’m in love with Garret Macy’. I think that might just stop the foot traffic across the quad.
Sometimes, I’m ready to tell him it’s his pride or me and then he looks at me and I melt. I can’t think straight when he looks at me or touches me. I want to be open, but I don’t want to be without him.
Looks like I’ll be in the closet for a while and unless I can step outside of it with him I’d just as soon stay there.
Thursday, January 25, 1973
I hate Clinical Perceptions and Diagnosis; it is the most boring class. The material isn’t the problem; it’s the instructor, dry monotone lectures, ‘livened’ by sad, unfunny, pointless jokes. He is probably the most intelligent man I will ever meet, but Dr Stein is not a stimulating speaker. Garret usually starts falling asleep and I have to keep him awake
The rest of our classes are hard but very interesting and the professors are damn good. Most are arrogant and insulting, but they know their stuff.
Finals for fall semester were pretty easy, I finished out with a 4.0 and Garret got a 3.8. I asked him today if he wanted me to make the reservations for Fire Island but he said that he thought he was going to get a summer job. I guess I can call ‘Brose and see if he’s going, we could spend a weekend with him or maybe just go to the Cape, but that won’t be the same.
Thursday, January 15, 1976
It’s finally happened… He’s marrying her.
Friday, January 16, 1976
I think I can write about it now.
Garret came in from his date with Maggie and told me he’d proposed and she accepted, naturally. The silly cow knows she’s got a man on her hands that won’t leave her high and dry and he’s going to be a doctor so I sure her little cash register brain has added up what his income will be in a few years and decided she’s not going to get a better offer.
God I hate her, I could almost hate him, but most of all I hate myself. I’m a fool, a complete idiot. He warned me from the beginning; he was nothing if not honest. The night he found out about his friend he told me not to love him, that he would only hurt me. Except he did not hurt me, I hurt myself by falling for him and now I have to stand there and watch him marry that blonde bimbo with more boobs than brains.
He asked me if I would be his best man and I agreed, I guess I am just a glutton for punishment, but I would do anything he asked of me and he asks so seldom. It is as if he knows that he has me wrapped around his little finger and refuses to take advantage of the fact.
Well maybe he does take advantage of it, I have hidden the truth from my parents for all these years to appease him and tonight I made love with him knowing he was leaving me by his own choice. I have no pride when it comes to him and evidently no sense of self-preservation either. I have always known he would go and yet I have held onto every minute, knowing that it will tear out my heart to lose him.
I am a fool who is in love with a fool that can’t be honest with the world or even with me. He hides what I know he feels and pretends to everyone that he conforms to the lie of normality, that he is straight.
Even knowing that he will never be honest with himself or the world, I hung on, loving him until the bitter end and praying it wouldn’t come, but here it is. Very soon, he will be marrying Maggie and I will be alone, still loving him, still willing to do anything for him.
How can anyone chose to live their life with someone who is completely wrong for them, someone who will never truly love them? Who will only use them? Someone whose only goal is to find a husband who makes good money and spends it on them. Why can he not see what she is a greedy, grasping, homophobic bitch who doesn’t know how to love?
I wish I could find the words to change his mind. I know he’s going to marry someone, that he’s going to pretend he’s straight and have the wife and kids. I just wish it were anyone but her; she’s going to destroy him. She’s a cold, manipulative, money grubbing ice queen and she is going to hurt him.
Friday, May 29, 1976
He’s packing today, they signed the lease on an apartment and tomorrow he’ll be gone, I don’t think I’ll stay here either, I don’t think I can stand to live here any longer. This was our place and I don’t think I can live in it without him. Tonight’s the last night we’ll sleep in the same place, but I doubt it will be together. I wish I were like him, I’d go out and get drunk, just forget for a while. The only problem with that is I can’t handle booze, I still get just drunk enough to feel it and I throw up.
Jeannette’s coming in on Monday and staying for the wedding, so at least I won’t have to sit by myself, after I make the best man’s toast. She’s promised to help me write it so I can at least pretend to be happy for them. She’s a playwright now, she should be able to make me sound convincing.
God, I hurt.
Saturday, May 30, 1976, 7AM
We did sleep together last night and I made love to him that was mostly desperation, I wanted to imprint the memory of him on my skin and my soul. Every time he started to pull away from me, I’d grab at him and hold him close, beginning all over again. When he finally fell asleep, I lay awake with tears running silently down my face, watching him until dawn and praying it would never come.
I can’t believe this is it, I don’t think I can breathe and if I didn’t know that it isn’t possible I would swear I’m dying. I can feel my heart breaking. Today he’ll be gone for good and I will not ever wake up next to him again or hold him while we sleep.
I thought I would be able to handle this but the only reason I’m not grabbing a razor and slicing my wrists is that it would hurt him if I died.
How can I go on without him, how do I wake up tomorrow and not go out of my mind. I’ve never hurt this much before.
Saturday, May 30, 1976, 9PM
We fought before he left and it’s all my fault. I knew he couldn’t say what I needed to hear, but I couldn’t let it go. As he carried his stuff down to the car, I sat in the living room waiting, numb. He came and sat beside me, we stayed that way for the longest time, silent; neither of us willing to see it end.
He finally broke the silence. ‘Do you need anything before I go, Jack?’
I tried not to say what I was thinking, but it came out anyway. ‘Say it, Garret.’
He sighed and the sound shattered the last of my pride. I have never begged in my life, but I would have gone down on my knees for this one thing in the middle of The Commons on the Fourth of July. ‘Please, Garret. I need to know that the last five years meant something, that you cared enough to get past your fear just once. Say it Garret, say what I see in your eyes. Just one time let me hear you say that you love me.’
‘I’m marrying Maggie, Jack, in two weeks.’ He couldn’t look me in the eye.
‘I know, Garret, I not asking for a lifetime, just three words. Just to give me something to hold on to when you’re gone.’ I knew that if he could say it I could survive. I would know that no matter what Garret loved me once, not because I thought I saw something in his eyes or felt something in his touch, but because he told me. ‘Just once I need to hear you say it.’
‘It won’t change anything, Jack.’ He stood to go, he leaned over to kiss me and I clung to him like a drowning man to a life preserver. He finally reached up and pulled my hands away.
‘You are wrong, Garret. It would change everything for me.’ I looked down at my hands as he closed the door behind him. Twenty minutes later, the phone rang. I answered and there was silence on the other end for the longest time. I knew it was him. After almost three minutes, he spoke.
‘You know I do.’ The line went dead and I sat smiling in the evening gloom, feeling my world right itself just a little. He might not be able to say it to me, but at least I know he feels it.
Monday, June 1, 1976
Jeannette came in today, when I picked her up at the train station; she looked at me for the longest time before speaking.
‘Jack, you look like shit.’
‘I love you too, Jen.’
‘I mean it Jack, you look God-awful. Have you gotten any sleep since he left?’
‘Some.’ She gave me her bullshit look. ‘Okay, almost none. Satisfied?’
‘Baby, I wish I could take away the pain.’
‘I knew it would hurt, Jen, I just didn’t know it would hurt so damned much.’ She pulled me close and I struggled not to cry in public.
‘Baby boy, why don’t you come back to New York with me after the wedding? You could transfer to Columbia and live at my place and then in a few months we could start hitting the bars and find someone to help you forget him.’ She leaned back and looked at me. ‘Better yet, tell him to find someone whose heart he hasn’t broken and have them be his best man and you and I will head off to see Ambrose and Thomas for the summer. You know they rented a house on the Island again.’
I felt tears pricking my eyelids. ‘I’m not going back to Fire Island, Jen. Ever. I can’t, that was our place and it would remind me of too much.’
‘Like you need any reminding. If I know you, you’ve spent the weekend going through every memory and crying.’
I blushed, embarrassed at how accurate she was, she had described my weekend perfectly. She sighed at the blush and looped her arm through mine, pulling me toward the door.
‘Come on, baby boy, you can buy me lunch and then tell me all about what you’ve been up to.’
Later that night we sat on the couch, watching a movie on television. Jeannette pulled my head over into her lap and stroked my hair.
‘So, Jack, do you want to pack up, come to New York and be my roomie?’
‘Tempting offer, Jen, but I have to stay in Boston. When that viper he’s marrying gets through with him, Garret is going to be a wreak, he’ll need me.
‘Garret doesn’t deserve you, Jack. You need to move on, get away from Garret and not hang around here to be his emotional safety net. He’s made his choice and he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences. This isn’t some sappy romance novel where the long-suffering heroine sits around loving the cad, who one day wakes up, realizes who he’s loved all along and finally declares his love and they live happily ever after. This is real life, Jack and Garret can’t handle being open, he’s not going to suddenly change.’
I got up without a word and went to bed. I knew Jen was right, but I can’t walk away from him. I know that one day he’s going to need me. I don’t expect that he’ll change and we’ll live happily ever after, but I do know he’s going to need me and I have to be here. I need to be here for him.
Saturday, June 12, 1976
I guess this where I am supposed to say it was a lovely wedding, but you know what? It fucking sucked. I have no idea what vows they exchanged or the colors or any of the things my mother would have noticed because I was too busy concentrating. Concentrating on not crying, not throwing up and most of all concentrating on not speaking up when the minister asked for objections.
Funny thing is when the question I had been dreading all day finally came I wanted to laugh, because no sooner were the words out of the minister’s mouth than Jeannette, Garret and even Maggie all whipped their heads around to look at me. I was so close to laughing I had to cover it with a coughing spell.
Maybe the blonde is not such a ditz after all, she is smart enough to know that I want him too, but not smart enough to see that I have had him, for the last five years. She must be blind and stupid because last night after his bachelor party, the groom did not fuck the stripper the guys hired, he fucked the best man until they were both breathless and aching; I am surprised that either one of us are able to walk upright after last night.
I made it through the toast pretty well and Garret’s mother came up, hugged me afterwards, and told Garret they needed to fix me up with one of his cousins so I would be in the family. She will never know that there is only one Macy for me, and now he is gone now, off on his honeymoon. I hope the little cow appreciates what he is doing to her because I can vouch for the fact that he is the best lay around.
Oh God, the reception, that was a nightmare. No one told me it was traditional for the bride and best man to dance while the groom and the maid of honor do the same. There I was out on the floor with Madame, both of us straining to look like we were having a good time for the cameras and gritting our teeth.
Just as the song ended she leaned in as though kissing my cheek and hissed in my ear, ‘He is mine now, you bastard, stay away.’ She dropped my hand and walked over to Garret flashing her best ‘sweet’ smile. Putting her arm around him she smiled back at me and then kissed him while the room cheered.
I went in search of the bar, downed three scotches in rapid succession and had barely enough time to make it to the bathroom. As I was leaned over the toilet, I felt a hand on my back and Jeannette whispered, ‘Let’s go home, baby boy. I’m danced out.’
I shook my head and wiped my mouth. ‘No, I’m staying for Garret.’
She turned me to face her, looked sadly into my eyes, and then ran her hand over my cheek. ‘So it begins,’ she murmured.
I nodded my head and willed myself not to cry.
After the reception, Jeannette and I came back to the apartment and I sat in his room for most of the night alone thinking back over the last five and a half years. I cannot believe how much I have changed, I was such a child when we first met, so naïve; I really believed that love was all we needed. I see now that there are some things love cannot overcome, some problems love cannot solve. I know Garret loves me, but it doesn’t matter because I was born the wrong person. If I had been female, Maggie would have been out of the picture from the beginning; I would be with him now.
I wonder what he’s thinking, I wonder if he’s happy. I hope I’m wrong about Maggie. I hope that she makes him very happy, that they work out and that she treats him better than he treats himself. I want Garret to be happy; I just wish he could have been happy with me.
I don’t know what might happen in the future but I doubt I will ever be able to trust in the same way again and without trust, love is hopeless. I guess childhood has to end sometime and mine ended today; time to move into the grown up world and put the fantasies of true love and happily ever after away.
Okay, once again the cutline is there so that the unaware do not stumble onto this story without fair warning that it contains male/male relationship and sexual activity.
Saturday, December 23, 1972
Garret is going to freak out when he gets home and I tell him what I’ve decided to do. I’m tired of hiding from my family. I’ve decided to come out to my parents. I’m not telling them about Garret and I but I don’t want to go on pretending that I’m something I’m not.
I want to be honest with my parents.
Sunday, December 24, 1972
He left, we had a huge fight and he left. I guess he’ll never be able to stand being honest about his feelings or anything else that might threaten his perception of himself.
I don’t think he’ll be gone long; he didn’t take anything with him, not even his bus pass.
Sunday, December 24, 1972
Well, Garret’s back and I’ve told him I won’t say anything to my parents. I realized I have a choice, tell them or keep Garret for as long as I can.
I can wait until he’s gone if it means having what I can of him. Once he marries Maggie, there won’t be any reason for me to hide anymore, but there won’t be much reason for anything anymore.
God, I would hide forever if it means keeping him. If I thought he’d stay I’d do anything. I can see now that Jeannette is right. When he leaves, I’m going to go into a freefall if I don’t start preparing for it now. I’m walking through quicksand and the day he leaves, I’ll sink if I don’t have something to hold onto.
How do I prepare myself to be strong when he goes if I can’t be strong enough to live with the consequences of making him choose now? I know he chooses me secretly but openly he chooses himself and his pride. Maybe he doesn’t love me enough to risk what others think of him, but at least I have him for now.
Sunday, December 31, 1972 11:30PM
He’s out with her tonight and I’m sitting here alone with Guy Lombardo on the TV. Happy New Year.
I wish he could grow up and see that neither of us is going to be happy if he keeps trying to live straight in public, but love me behind closed doors. It just can’t work; we’re going to tear apart if he doesn’t grow a backbone.
I want to just stand in the middle of the quad and scream out ‘I’m queer and I’m in love with Garret Macy’. I think that might just stop the foot traffic across the quad.
Sometimes, I’m ready to tell him it’s his pride or me and then he looks at me and I melt. I can’t think straight when he looks at me or touches me. I want to be open, but I don’t want to be without him.
Looks like I’ll be in the closet for a while and unless I can step outside of it with him I’d just as soon stay there.
Thursday, January 25, 1973
I hate Clinical Perceptions and Diagnosis; it is the most boring class. The material isn’t the problem; it’s the instructor, dry monotone lectures, ‘livened’ by sad, unfunny, pointless jokes. He is probably the most intelligent man I will ever meet, but Dr Stein is not a stimulating speaker. Garret usually starts falling asleep and I have to keep him awake
The rest of our classes are hard but very interesting and the professors are damn good. Most are arrogant and insulting, but they know their stuff.
Finals for fall semester were pretty easy, I finished out with a 4.0 and Garret got a 3.8. I asked him today if he wanted me to make the reservations for Fire Island but he said that he thought he was going to get a summer job. I guess I can call ‘Brose and see if he’s going, we could spend a weekend with him or maybe just go to the Cape, but that won’t be the same.
Thursday, January 15, 1976
It’s finally happened… He’s marrying her.
Friday, January 16, 1976
I think I can write about it now.
Garret came in from his date with Maggie and told me he’d proposed and she accepted, naturally. The silly cow knows she’s got a man on her hands that won’t leave her high and dry and he’s going to be a doctor so I sure her little cash register brain has added up what his income will be in a few years and decided she’s not going to get a better offer.
God I hate her, I could almost hate him, but most of all I hate myself. I’m a fool, a complete idiot. He warned me from the beginning; he was nothing if not honest. The night he found out about his friend he told me not to love him, that he would only hurt me. Except he did not hurt me, I hurt myself by falling for him and now I have to stand there and watch him marry that blonde bimbo with more boobs than brains.
He asked me if I would be his best man and I agreed, I guess I am just a glutton for punishment, but I would do anything he asked of me and he asks so seldom. It is as if he knows that he has me wrapped around his little finger and refuses to take advantage of the fact.
Well maybe he does take advantage of it, I have hidden the truth from my parents for all these years to appease him and tonight I made love with him knowing he was leaving me by his own choice. I have no pride when it comes to him and evidently no sense of self-preservation either. I have always known he would go and yet I have held onto every minute, knowing that it will tear out my heart to lose him.
I am a fool who is in love with a fool that can’t be honest with the world or even with me. He hides what I know he feels and pretends to everyone that he conforms to the lie of normality, that he is straight.
Even knowing that he will never be honest with himself or the world, I hung on, loving him until the bitter end and praying it wouldn’t come, but here it is. Very soon, he will be marrying Maggie and I will be alone, still loving him, still willing to do anything for him.
How can anyone chose to live their life with someone who is completely wrong for them, someone who will never truly love them? Who will only use them? Someone whose only goal is to find a husband who makes good money and spends it on them. Why can he not see what she is a greedy, grasping, homophobic bitch who doesn’t know how to love?
I wish I could find the words to change his mind. I know he’s going to marry someone, that he’s going to pretend he’s straight and have the wife and kids. I just wish it were anyone but her; she’s going to destroy him. She’s a cold, manipulative, money grubbing ice queen and she is going to hurt him.
Friday, May 29, 1976
He’s packing today, they signed the lease on an apartment and tomorrow he’ll be gone, I don’t think I’ll stay here either, I don’t think I can stand to live here any longer. This was our place and I don’t think I can live in it without him. Tonight’s the last night we’ll sleep in the same place, but I doubt it will be together. I wish I were like him, I’d go out and get drunk, just forget for a while. The only problem with that is I can’t handle booze, I still get just drunk enough to feel it and I throw up.
Jeannette’s coming in on Monday and staying for the wedding, so at least I won’t have to sit by myself, after I make the best man’s toast. She’s promised to help me write it so I can at least pretend to be happy for them. She’s a playwright now, she should be able to make me sound convincing.
God, I hurt.
Saturday, May 30, 1976, 7AM
We did sleep together last night and I made love to him that was mostly desperation, I wanted to imprint the memory of him on my skin and my soul. Every time he started to pull away from me, I’d grab at him and hold him close, beginning all over again. When he finally fell asleep, I lay awake with tears running silently down my face, watching him until dawn and praying it would never come.
I can’t believe this is it, I don’t think I can breathe and if I didn’t know that it isn’t possible I would swear I’m dying. I can feel my heart breaking. Today he’ll be gone for good and I will not ever wake up next to him again or hold him while we sleep.
I thought I would be able to handle this but the only reason I’m not grabbing a razor and slicing my wrists is that it would hurt him if I died.
How can I go on without him, how do I wake up tomorrow and not go out of my mind. I’ve never hurt this much before.
Saturday, May 30, 1976, 9PM
We fought before he left and it’s all my fault. I knew he couldn’t say what I needed to hear, but I couldn’t let it go. As he carried his stuff down to the car, I sat in the living room waiting, numb. He came and sat beside me, we stayed that way for the longest time, silent; neither of us willing to see it end.
He finally broke the silence. ‘Do you need anything before I go, Jack?’
I tried not to say what I was thinking, but it came out anyway. ‘Say it, Garret.’
He sighed and the sound shattered the last of my pride. I have never begged in my life, but I would have gone down on my knees for this one thing in the middle of The Commons on the Fourth of July. ‘Please, Garret. I need to know that the last five years meant something, that you cared enough to get past your fear just once. Say it Garret, say what I see in your eyes. Just one time let me hear you say that you love me.’
‘I’m marrying Maggie, Jack, in two weeks.’ He couldn’t look me in the eye.
‘I know, Garret, I not asking for a lifetime, just three words. Just to give me something to hold on to when you’re gone.’ I knew that if he could say it I could survive. I would know that no matter what Garret loved me once, not because I thought I saw something in his eyes or felt something in his touch, but because he told me. ‘Just once I need to hear you say it.’
‘It won’t change anything, Jack.’ He stood to go, he leaned over to kiss me and I clung to him like a drowning man to a life preserver. He finally reached up and pulled my hands away.
‘You are wrong, Garret. It would change everything for me.’ I looked down at my hands as he closed the door behind him. Twenty minutes later, the phone rang. I answered and there was silence on the other end for the longest time. I knew it was him. After almost three minutes, he spoke.
‘You know I do.’ The line went dead and I sat smiling in the evening gloom, feeling my world right itself just a little. He might not be able to say it to me, but at least I know he feels it.
Monday, June 1, 1976
Jeannette came in today, when I picked her up at the train station; she looked at me for the longest time before speaking.
‘Jack, you look like shit.’
‘I love you too, Jen.’
‘I mean it Jack, you look God-awful. Have you gotten any sleep since he left?’
‘Some.’ She gave me her bullshit look. ‘Okay, almost none. Satisfied?’
‘Baby, I wish I could take away the pain.’
‘I knew it would hurt, Jen, I just didn’t know it would hurt so damned much.’ She pulled me close and I struggled not to cry in public.
‘Baby boy, why don’t you come back to New York with me after the wedding? You could transfer to Columbia and live at my place and then in a few months we could start hitting the bars and find someone to help you forget him.’ She leaned back and looked at me. ‘Better yet, tell him to find someone whose heart he hasn’t broken and have them be his best man and you and I will head off to see Ambrose and Thomas for the summer. You know they rented a house on the Island again.’
I felt tears pricking my eyelids. ‘I’m not going back to Fire Island, Jen. Ever. I can’t, that was our place and it would remind me of too much.’
‘Like you need any reminding. If I know you, you’ve spent the weekend going through every memory and crying.’
I blushed, embarrassed at how accurate she was, she had described my weekend perfectly. She sighed at the blush and looped her arm through mine, pulling me toward the door.
‘Come on, baby boy, you can buy me lunch and then tell me all about what you’ve been up to.’
Later that night we sat on the couch, watching a movie on television. Jeannette pulled my head over into her lap and stroked my hair.
‘So, Jack, do you want to pack up, come to New York and be my roomie?’
‘Tempting offer, Jen, but I have to stay in Boston. When that viper he’s marrying gets through with him, Garret is going to be a wreak, he’ll need me.
‘Garret doesn’t deserve you, Jack. You need to move on, get away from Garret and not hang around here to be his emotional safety net. He’s made his choice and he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences. This isn’t some sappy romance novel where the long-suffering heroine sits around loving the cad, who one day wakes up, realizes who he’s loved all along and finally declares his love and they live happily ever after. This is real life, Jack and Garret can’t handle being open, he’s not going to suddenly change.’
I got up without a word and went to bed. I knew Jen was right, but I can’t walk away from him. I know that one day he’s going to need me. I don’t expect that he’ll change and we’ll live happily ever after, but I do know he’s going to need me and I have to be here. I need to be here for him.
Saturday, June 12, 1976
I guess this where I am supposed to say it was a lovely wedding, but you know what? It fucking sucked. I have no idea what vows they exchanged or the colors or any of the things my mother would have noticed because I was too busy concentrating. Concentrating on not crying, not throwing up and most of all concentrating on not speaking up when the minister asked for objections.
Funny thing is when the question I had been dreading all day finally came I wanted to laugh, because no sooner were the words out of the minister’s mouth than Jeannette, Garret and even Maggie all whipped their heads around to look at me. I was so close to laughing I had to cover it with a coughing spell.
Maybe the blonde is not such a ditz after all, she is smart enough to know that I want him too, but not smart enough to see that I have had him, for the last five years. She must be blind and stupid because last night after his bachelor party, the groom did not fuck the stripper the guys hired, he fucked the best man until they were both breathless and aching; I am surprised that either one of us are able to walk upright after last night.
I made it through the toast pretty well and Garret’s mother came up, hugged me afterwards, and told Garret they needed to fix me up with one of his cousins so I would be in the family. She will never know that there is only one Macy for me, and now he is gone now, off on his honeymoon. I hope the little cow appreciates what he is doing to her because I can vouch for the fact that he is the best lay around.
Oh God, the reception, that was a nightmare. No one told me it was traditional for the bride and best man to dance while the groom and the maid of honor do the same. There I was out on the floor with Madame, both of us straining to look like we were having a good time for the cameras and gritting our teeth.
Just as the song ended she leaned in as though kissing my cheek and hissed in my ear, ‘He is mine now, you bastard, stay away.’ She dropped my hand and walked over to Garret flashing her best ‘sweet’ smile. Putting her arm around him she smiled back at me and then kissed him while the room cheered.
I went in search of the bar, downed three scotches in rapid succession and had barely enough time to make it to the bathroom. As I was leaned over the toilet, I felt a hand on my back and Jeannette whispered, ‘Let’s go home, baby boy. I’m danced out.’
I shook my head and wiped my mouth. ‘No, I’m staying for Garret.’
She turned me to face her, looked sadly into my eyes, and then ran her hand over my cheek. ‘So it begins,’ she murmured.
I nodded my head and willed myself not to cry.
After the reception, Jeannette and I came back to the apartment and I sat in his room for most of the night alone thinking back over the last five and a half years. I cannot believe how much I have changed, I was such a child when we first met, so naïve; I really believed that love was all we needed. I see now that there are some things love cannot overcome, some problems love cannot solve. I know Garret loves me, but it doesn’t matter because I was born the wrong person. If I had been female, Maggie would have been out of the picture from the beginning; I would be with him now.
I wonder what he’s thinking, I wonder if he’s happy. I hope I’m wrong about Maggie. I hope that she makes him very happy, that they work out and that she treats him better than he treats himself. I want Garret to be happy; I just wish he could have been happy with me.
I don’t know what might happen in the future but I doubt I will ever be able to trust in the same way again and without trust, love is hopeless. I guess childhood has to end sometime and mine ended today; time to move into the grown up world and put the fantasies of true love and happily ever after away.