What you blog about at 5:30 am.
It was 4 in the morning. I was just coming back to bed after cuddling with our daughter so she could fall back to sleep. Alicia realized she left her wallet or something at someplace like the mall and needed to get dressed and get down there. It seemed strange that she needed to dress the way she was.
This wasn’t our house. This was some fancy future house even though the kids were their current age. The large living room had a whole wall of windows that looked out over the cul-de-sac leading away from the house and a window to the nearby driveway.
Alicia was pulling away in what looked like an old-style pick-up truck like from Madonna’s “Material Girl” video, but at second look appeared to be a van. Whatever it was, it wasn’t our car and it bothered me. In the old days I would have hopped in my car and followed her, but the kids were here and I wouldn’t have even been able to get clothes on fast enough to do anything about it. So I paced and waited.
Around 5, a car came towards the house. I had hoped it was Alicia, but it had two women I didn’t know - party girls laughing amongst themselves. I was picking up one of our daughter’s baby dolls and didn’t want to be seen with it, so I ducked beneath the window - hiding in my own house so I wouldn’t be seen with this doll. They almost saw me, but ended up driving off, drunkenly side-swiping something in the street like another car.
It was 6 or so in the morning - still dark/twilight. I must have dozed-off off-and-on because the kids were nearby and I had been cuddling with them. I started putting them back to bed. A Subaru Forester pulled up - Helen? Alicia got out from the passenger side and sure enough, my first long-term-relationship Helen got out of the drivers’ side.
Other people started arriving - non-descript people in their 30’s and 40’s like the kind you’d see as extras in stereotypical TV AA meetings, all talking amongst themselves and coming into my house. I wasn’t sure if I should know them or not - I wasn’t uncomfortable around them as strangers, but didn’t recognize them. I think I said hi briefly to Helen as I alternated between trying to find/confront Alicia and check on the kids, who were so tired they just kept sleeping anywhere like well-cared-for objects.
Alicia seemed to be turning into Helen. It was still my wife and I was calling her Alicia, but she became more Helen-like in her looks and mannerisms. I think Helen had a better capacity for keeping secrets and avoiding telling me what was going on - not in an evil way, more in a “for the best”/”need to know” kind of way.
Around 8, AliciaHelen tried to show me a video that she said would explain. I was getting more and more frustrated that I couldn’t get a straight answer about what was going on. I was also very tired. The narration was so dull that I couldn’t concentrate on it with 2-3 hours sleep. I remember there being some mention of Weight Watchers and I congratulated Alicia again on her milestone, wondering if this was a celebration of that. Maybe I should have done something more to recognize it. The video went on without acknowledgement… I was mesmerized to sleep.
It was 10. It was dark outside, but it was hard to believe it was over 12 hours later. I both felt more rested and felt like I still hadn’t slept since 4 am. People were still milling about. I checked various rooms and found the kids curled up, still asleep, along with other guests. Eventually, I caught up with AliciaHelen… we shared an inside joke about someone with a big nose that reminded us of the masks in the Depeche Mode “Walking In My Shoes” video.
She led me to a sitting room and we sat down. Four guys filed in - not so much burly as somehow there for someone’s protection. I was still frustrated/livid at not knowing what was going on and commented on them being there for protection, although I wasn’t sure whose. There were construction tools around like the house was still being finished from being built. I threw an ill-aimed screwdriver in the direction of the secure-with-himself Asian guy. It didn’t hit him and the action didn’t faze anybody in the room. Just a tantrum on my part.
I waited, but I still didn’t get an answer. It was like that moment before someone tells you something - something you should have known - something that wasn’t a big deal, but they made a big deal out if. And it was that moment stretched out over what was now 16 hours and was now even more drawn out sitting there with what felt like a graduates of an intervention program.
I eventually stormed out, looked in more rooms that I didn’t recognize and found a guitar and amp in the basement, covered with dust. I always felt better crawling off and noodling on an electric guitar when I needed to be alone. I hadn’t done that in years. A cliché verse from Brian Adams’ “Run To You” went through my head.
I didn’t recognize this guitar - something new-fangled without strings and lots of built-in settings. It didn’t matter, I just started playing. Nothing beautiful, just cathartic.
Daylight and dust. My brother John was sort of laughing at me. It was morning now and what had been a basement now no longer had a roof - just the aftermath of a basement. Across the street, my fancy house was in the process of being disassembled. John said at least you still have money. “I do…?” “Yeah, like $10.”
I think I prefer the dreams where I’m fighting for my life from home invaders. This was worse - lying there awake afterwards trying to figure out what it was Alicia wanted to tell me. All in the hour since I had come back to bed from holding my daughter.
This wasn’t our house. This was some fancy future house even though the kids were their current age. The large living room had a whole wall of windows that looked out over the cul-de-sac leading away from the house and a window to the nearby driveway.
Alicia was pulling away in what looked like an old-style pick-up truck like from Madonna’s “Material Girl” video, but at second look appeared to be a van. Whatever it was, it wasn’t our car and it bothered me. In the old days I would have hopped in my car and followed her, but the kids were here and I wouldn’t have even been able to get clothes on fast enough to do anything about it. So I paced and waited.
Around 5, a car came towards the house. I had hoped it was Alicia, but it had two women I didn’t know - party girls laughing amongst themselves. I was picking up one of our daughter’s baby dolls and didn’t want to be seen with it, so I ducked beneath the window - hiding in my own house so I wouldn’t be seen with this doll. They almost saw me, but ended up driving off, drunkenly side-swiping something in the street like another car.
It was 6 or so in the morning - still dark/twilight. I must have dozed-off off-and-on because the kids were nearby and I had been cuddling with them. I started putting them back to bed. A Subaru Forester pulled up - Helen? Alicia got out from the passenger side and sure enough, my first long-term-relationship Helen got out of the drivers’ side.
Other people started arriving - non-descript people in their 30’s and 40’s like the kind you’d see as extras in stereotypical TV AA meetings, all talking amongst themselves and coming into my house. I wasn’t sure if I should know them or not - I wasn’t uncomfortable around them as strangers, but didn’t recognize them. I think I said hi briefly to Helen as I alternated between trying to find/confront Alicia and check on the kids, who were so tired they just kept sleeping anywhere like well-cared-for objects.
Alicia seemed to be turning into Helen. It was still my wife and I was calling her Alicia, but she became more Helen-like in her looks and mannerisms. I think Helen had a better capacity for keeping secrets and avoiding telling me what was going on - not in an evil way, more in a “for the best”/”need to know” kind of way.
Around 8, AliciaHelen tried to show me a video that she said would explain. I was getting more and more frustrated that I couldn’t get a straight answer about what was going on. I was also very tired. The narration was so dull that I couldn’t concentrate on it with 2-3 hours sleep. I remember there being some mention of Weight Watchers and I congratulated Alicia again on her milestone, wondering if this was a celebration of that. Maybe I should have done something more to recognize it. The video went on without acknowledgement… I was mesmerized to sleep.
It was 10. It was dark outside, but it was hard to believe it was over 12 hours later. I both felt more rested and felt like I still hadn’t slept since 4 am. People were still milling about. I checked various rooms and found the kids curled up, still asleep, along with other guests. Eventually, I caught up with AliciaHelen… we shared an inside joke about someone with a big nose that reminded us of the masks in the Depeche Mode “Walking In My Shoes” video.
She led me to a sitting room and we sat down. Four guys filed in - not so much burly as somehow there for someone’s protection. I was still frustrated/livid at not knowing what was going on and commented on them being there for protection, although I wasn’t sure whose. There were construction tools around like the house was still being finished from being built. I threw an ill-aimed screwdriver in the direction of the secure-with-himself Asian guy. It didn’t hit him and the action didn’t faze anybody in the room. Just a tantrum on my part.
I waited, but I still didn’t get an answer. It was like that moment before someone tells you something - something you should have known - something that wasn’t a big deal, but they made a big deal out if. And it was that moment stretched out over what was now 16 hours and was now even more drawn out sitting there with what felt like a graduates of an intervention program.
I eventually stormed out, looked in more rooms that I didn’t recognize and found a guitar and amp in the basement, covered with dust. I always felt better crawling off and noodling on an electric guitar when I needed to be alone. I hadn’t done that in years. A cliché verse from Brian Adams’ “Run To You” went through my head.
I didn’t recognize this guitar - something new-fangled without strings and lots of built-in settings. It didn’t matter, I just started playing. Nothing beautiful, just cathartic.
Daylight and dust. My brother John was sort of laughing at me. It was morning now and what had been a basement now no longer had a roof - just the aftermath of a basement. Across the street, my fancy house was in the process of being disassembled. John said at least you still have money. “I do…?” “Yeah, like $10.”
I think I prefer the dreams where I’m fighting for my life from home invaders. This was worse - lying there awake afterwards trying to figure out what it was Alicia wanted to tell me. All in the hour since I had come back to bed from holding my daughter.