fic: i'll be fine until the morning comes (part two)
i'll be fine until the morning comes (part two)
matt grevers/nathan adrian
pg13, 14645 words
warnings for underage (they're both in high school; matt is 18 and nathan is 15) and curse words
AO3
Nathan doesn’t speak to Conor and Ricky for the rest of the weekend and he makes it through third period before he finally gives in and pairs up with Ricky for an in-class project and talks to Conor at lunch. He doesn’t really have much of a reason to be pissed at them, and it was kind of sweet in a messed up Conor Phelps-Lochte sort of way.
Matt keeps his promise and actually sticks around for a couple of hours after school on Friday. They hang out at Nathan’s house and Nathan’s mom kind of just adopts Matt back into the family like he kind of never left, which he never really did, but, whatever, and everything feels like it’s going to go smoothly for the rest of the year.
Ricky and Conor kind of stop their you’re in love with Matt obsession but they don’t stop doing weird things like magically disappearing at random times when Matt comes around or sprawling across various furniture so Nathan’s forced to sit with Matt or close to him.
Near the end of April posters go up and announcements are made almost every single day about prom. Matt still hasn’t asked Annie yet but he’s still got at least three weeks before he really has to and no one ever brings it up in conversation, so for the most part Nathan doesn’t have to think about them going to prom or why that makes him so upset.
For the most part things are fine and Nathan rarely ever has to see Matt and Annie together except for at practice and sometimes in the hallway but even then Annie just ignores Nathan or just makes awkward conversation that ends quickly.
Everything kind of just gets weird when he’s over at Conor’s house one day and Ryan flops down on the couch next to him and hands him a card. Ryan’s like another parent to Nathan, admittedly a lot cooler than his own, and being left alone in a room with him stopped being nerve wracking when Nathan turned eight.
Nathan recognizes the dark blue and green crest on the front as the crappy one his school uses. When he flips the card open and reads what’s inside he kind of does a double take and then puts the card on the coffee table. Somewhere in the kitchen Ricky and Conor are heating up cheese sticks and arguing about something while Mike referees.
“So,” Ryan says and pushes his lips together in a mock duck face that used to crack Nathan up like crazy as a kid. “You okay?”
“Jeah,” Nathan says and makes Ryan grin because he rarely ever says the horrid word, “why wouldn’t I be?”
It’s just an invitation to Matt’s graduation. Nathan’s sure his is probably in the mail or waiting for him at home or maybe Matt’s going to give it to him in person.
“Matt’s graduating bro,” Ryan says. “I know how close you two are. I used to get diabetes watching you two as kids.”
Nathan shrugs. “It’s not like we don’t have the entire summer and it’s not like Matt’s never coming back.”
Ryan picks up the card and spins it between his fingers before he gets serious and says, “If you feel a certain way you need to let that shit out, okay? Cause like you’re hanging onto that for the rest of your life, even after prom, and then like all of a sudden you’re going to be on opposite sides of the country and you’re not going to be as tight and that fucking sucks, trust me.”
Nathan’s not sure where Ryan’s trying to go with his pep talk because well it’s Ryan and like sometimes the things he says don’t make any sense, but that’s what makes Ryan Ryan and Nathan’s grown used to deciphering what he means over the years. He heard prom and suspects that his supposed best friend has been gossiping about him with his parents.
“Ryan,” Mike says and wanders into the living room followed closely by his son and Ricky, “cursing with the kids is a no jeah, remember?”
“I thought that was just a rule for our kid?” Ryan says and makes room for Mike on the couch. Mike hands Nathan a plate of cheese sticks made just for him because Mike secretly likes him the best.
Mike snorts. “Reezy, Nathan and Ricky are our kids.”
When Mike and Ryan adopted Conor they basically adopted all of his friends too, and Nathan’s not a hundred percent sure, but he thinks that it’s in his parents’ will that if something happens to them and his siblings are incapable of taking care of him that he goes to the Phelps-Lochtes. Conor’s house is a second home to him and Nathan spends fifty percent of his time with his real family and the other fifty percent with his adopted one.
They hunker down and watch Wreck-It Ralph even though it’s like ten years old, but it’s hard for Nathan to concentrate; bits and pieces of Ryan’s pep talk keep running through his head.
However he’s feeling he needs to let out but he’s not exactly sure what he is feeling.
Jealousy swipes through his head a couple of times because yeah, he is jealous of the amount of time Annie spends with Matt, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with Matt. Friends get jealous of each other, that stuff happens, but he’s not friends with Annie and he shouldn’t be jealous because it’s not like Matt is everything.
But like, Matt sort of is. Matt’s kind of always been there in his life even if he hasn’t always been physically there, and Nathan doesn’t think of Matt the same way he thinks of Ricky or Conor. He thinks of his two best friends as family and when he thinks of Matt sometimes his heart kind of does weird things and his breathing gets weird and one time like forever ago when he started to really realize that his dick could do more than just pee he had a dream about Matt, but he couldn’t be blamed for that because he’s a teenager and Matt’s really good looking. And maybe he is jealous of Annie not because Matt spends a lot of time with her but because he wants to be the one spending that time with Matt. He wants to hold Matt’s hand and kiss him and go to prom with him.
“Nathan?” Mike says and pulls Nathan out of his thoughts. He’s missed the entire movie and Ricky and Conor are already jostling with each other to see who gets to brush their teeth first. Ryan’s getting Carter ready for his night time walk.
“I’m not in love with Matt,” Nathan says out of habit and then grimaces.
Mike lifts his eyebrow and Nathan says, “I’m not!”
“I wasn’t saying you are,” Mike says and picks up Nathan’s plate. “But just because you aren’t in love with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them.”
It’s unusually sound and cryptic advice from Mike who usually just scoffs at them and ruffles their hair when they come to him with their problems.
“How can you love someone and not be in love with them?” Nathan asks and Mike just shrugs.
“Sometimes that’s how things work,” he says. “Now go brush your teeth. Your mom will kill me if she finds out you skipped out.”
Nathan treks upstairs. Conor and Ricky are already done getting ready for bed and once he’s done Nathan crawls into bed in the spare room with Ricky. They do the you stay on your side of the bed and I’ll stay on mine and if ANYTHING happens we’ll pretend like it never happened thing because they’ve been sharing beds since they were six and that’s just how it is.
After a couple of minutes the door opens and closes and then Conor’s crawling into bed with them making things uncomfortable.
“You have your own bed Phelps-Lochte,” Ricky says but makes room for his friend anyway.
“Shut up Berens,” Conor says and settles down between them.
They’re all quiet and then Nathan buries his arms under his pillow and says into the fabric, “I think I love Matt.”
Ricky snorts. “Dude, we’ve been telling you that.”
“No,” Nathan corrects, “you’ve been saying I’m in love with him and I’m not but I think I love him.”
“Oh,” Conor says and knocks his shoulder into Nathan’s. “Are you going to tell him?”
Nathan groans and buries his face in the pillow. When he doesn’t reply Conor flicks him in the back of the head. “I don’t know!”
“What did my dad say?” Conor asks.
“Dude, did you seriously send your dad to talk to me?”
Conor rolls his eyes and Ricky laughs. “I didn’t know what else to do, okay. And they kind of tricked me into telling them what was going on. You know when they work together they can get anything out of you.”
“I think he told me I should tell Matt but I’m not sure. What kind of stuff is your dad smoking?”
“Excuse you,” Ricky says, “the great Ryan Lochte doesn’t get high. Did you miss the ‘Don’t Do Drugs’ group meeting we had?”
That had been mortifying. Somehow all their parents had gotten together and held a never do drugs focus meeting that had ended in Ryan basically telling them how to get a hold of drugs and Nathan’s mom threatening chores of death if they ever got caught high or with any sort of drug. Nathan’s just glad they all didn’t team up for the sex talk. He shivers at the thought.
They go quiet for a while and Nathan thinks Conor and Ricky have fallen asleep but he says, “Is he going to hate me?”
“No,” Conor replies back in a sleepy whisper, “and if he does Ricky and I will kick his ass.”
“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, voice heavy with sleep.
Nathan doesn’t get an invite to Matt’s graduation in the mail. He knows Ricky gets one and Conor too by default because Mike and Ryan have one. Nathan waits patiently for his own but it never comes. It stings and it hurts and Nathan avoids Matt at the pool and in the hall and rides the bus home on Friday two weeks in a row because it sucks so much.
“Maybe it got lost in the mail?” Ricky suggests at lunch.
Matt’s sitting with some of his senior friends a table over and he keeps trying to make eye contact but Nathan just plays with his mushy carrots and shrugs. “But he personally gave you guys yours.”
Ricky’s face falls and he looks like he doesn’t know what to say. Nathan gives him a weak smile because it’s not Ricky’s fault and then he puts on a brave face and flicks mashed potatoes at Conor as soon as Conor sits down.
“Dude!” Conor says. “This is a new shirt!” And then throws a piece of bread at Nathan’s head.
Nathan gets a stomach virus and misses swim practice. Conor and Ricky text him throughout the day and fill him in on all the gossip he misses at practice but Nathan mostly spends Saturday in the bathroom throwing up. Near the end of the day he finally manages to hold something down and even gets some of his homework done.
His mom knocks on his door around six. “Nathan,” she says, “someone’s here to see you.”
Nathan looks gross and feels even grosser. His mom just sends him to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then pats him on the back when he nestles back into bed.
Matt appears a couple of minutes later in gym clothes and glasses. He shuts the door behind him before he collapses onto the end of Nathan’s bed. Nathan kind of wants to kick him because Matt has no right to just waltz in and sit on his bed like they’re old friends.
“Hey,” he says, “I missed you at practice.”
Yeah right Nathan wants to say but he just feels drowsy and like he might get sick again so he doesn’t.
“Uh,” Matt says awkwardly, “here.” He hands Nathan an envelope and when Nathan opens it he’s surprised to see the graduation invite. “I wanted to give it to you in person but I couldn’t remember where I put yours. When I found it every time I tried to give it you you’d avoid me and then you started riding the bus home and, well, did I do something wrong?”
Nathan feels like a total dick now. He looks down at the invite and then back to Matt. “I um, thanks. I just thought you forgot to invite me.”
Matt laughs and punches Nathan gently in the shoulder. “I’d never forget to invite you.”
Nathan smiles and feels like an idiot. He kicks Matt in the knee as revenge and Matt pinches his ankle and slides off the bed when Nathan tries to kick him again. “Dude,” Matt says with a laugh, “you’re a dick.”
“You fell off by yourself,” Nathan replies and crosses his arm against his chest. Matt kind of just sits there on the floor before he says, “I need your help.”
“Yeah?” Nathan asks and swings his legs over the bed so he can see Matt better. He’s starting to feel better like his stomach no longer wants to crawl out of his throat.
Matt fixes his glasses. “I’ve tried asking my friends for help but they’re too busy coming up with their own plans and all the ideas my dad tell me our lame… but how do you think I should ask Annie to prom?”
Nathan’s stomach drops and he doesn’t think it’s because of the virus. Matt’s looking at him expectantly and it must be because of all the medicine he’s taken today or something because Nathan says, “don’t ask her,” without even thinking.
It’s quiet. Matt looks confused and rolls over the information before he asks, “Why shouldn’t I ask her?”
Because I love you is not a reasonable answer. “Nathan?” Matt asks and Nathan stands up and begins to pace because that’s what he does when he’s nervous.
“Nathan?” Matt asks again and looks legitimately concerned. “Why shouldn’t I ask Annie to prom?”
It’s too much for Nathan. He just came to the realization that he might actually love Matt and Matt didn’t purposefully forget to give him an invitation to his graduation and -
“I don’t want you to take Annie to prom because I’m in love with you!” The words slip out of Nathan’s mouth quickly.
“What?” Matt asks and then Nathan just bolts.
He doesn’t mean to but he just runs because he doesn’t know what else to do. He almost trips on the stairs but he makes it out the door and halfway down the street before he trips on a curb.
It feels like something snaps in Nathan’s ankle. He goes toppling over and slams his too big knees into the ground with a pop. It hurts really bad and Nathan’s sure he’s broken his ankle or at least twisted it, and it feels like his stomach is doing summersaults. He turns over and sits on the curb and curses when he notices all the gravel that’s managed to dig into his knees.
“Nathan,” he hears from above and when he looks up Matt is standing over him. He’s out of breath and doesn’t have his glasses on and he takes a deep breath before he collapses on the curb next to Nathan.
Nathan doesn’t know what to do or say so he just ducks his head and massages his ankle. It doesn’t feel broken but it’s still tender and he winces when he runs his fingers over it.
“Your mom is going to kill you,” Matt says, breathless, and Nathan lets out a bark of laughter that he doesn’t mean to. Matt is just being his usual self and trying to lighten the mood and he doesn’t look pissed or upset or anything.
“I think I broke it,” Nathan says and lets his leg rest outstretched in the street.
“Now you’re just being dramatic,” Matt replies but he crouches over Nathan and runs his hands over his ankle and Nathan jerks back because not only is his ankle sore but Matt is actually touching him and it feels too familiar and easy.
Matt just pulls Nathan’s leg to himself and squeezes. “I think it’s just sprained.”
“Well this sucks,” Nathan deadpans and stares down at his injured limb. Not only does he feel like an idiot for blurting out that he loves Matt and running away, but for also tripping on the curb looking like an idiot.
They sit in silence for a while, Nathan staring at his ankle and Matt playing with the zipper of his jacket, before Matt finally says, “Why’d you run?”
It startles Nathan. “Didn’t you hear what I said?”
And Matt must have not heard him because he just kind of shrugs and scoots a bit closer until they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder. “I heard you,” he says, “but that doesn’t explain why you ran away.”
Nathan gapes and then he tries to put distance between them but his ankle kind of stops that. “I told you that I love you.”
Matt just nods. “I know, I heard, but why did you run away?”
Nathan stands up despite how much his ankle hurts. “I told you I love you, Matt! I’ve been in love with you since like first grade and I didn’t realize it until now okay because Ricky and Conor kept pointing it out and then I had this weird conversation with Ryan about you that didn’t make any sense at first because it’s Ryan, you know? But you don’t know because ever since second grade you’ve been hanging out with Annie and we rarely ever see you except for on Fridays when you just drop us off at one of our houses and don’t hang out with us and it really sucks, okay? And I ran away because I was scared and I was afraid you’d freak out about it but why aren’t you freaking out?”
Matt’s staring up at him, eyebrows up and mouth open. “You thought I’d freak out because you told me you love me?”
“Yes!” Nathan yells, exasperated, and then winces because his ankle is killing him. “Why aren’t you freaking out?!”
Matt shrugs and then pats the ground next to him. When Nathan refuses to budge he says, “Nathan, sit, you’re going to fuck your ankle up,” and then Nathan sits, but leaves a couple of inches between them.
“I just don’t want you to hate me,” Nathan says, voice weak.
He sees Matt move out of the corner of his eye and then suddenly Matt’s face is right there, and his lips are against Nathan’s, and Nathan just make a noise of surprise and opens his mouth but Matt doesn’t push his tongue in, just keeps the kiss shallow before he pulls away. Nathan is fifteen and he’s never been kissed, not until now.
“I’m glad your mom made you brush your teeth before I came up,” Matt says, blue eyes bright, and then Nathan just starts laughing and laughing because everything’s so surreal. Matt kissed him and Nathan told Matt he loved him and his mom is going to kill him and none of this is fucking real.
“This isn’t happening,” Nathan says when he can breathe again and his stomach isn’t protesting. “You - You kissed me!”
“I did,” Matt says and he’s smiling, but then Matt’s smile disappears and everything becomes serious again. “Nathan we can’t… this isn’t going to work.”
“Why’d you kiss me?” Nathan asks and feels like crying but he’s a guy and guys don’t do that. It’s shitty and unfair and he wants to punch Matt right in the jaw. “Why did you kiss me if this isn’t going to work?!”
“You’re fifteen,” Matt says sharply, “and I’m eighteen, Nate. That’s statutory rape.”
“That only counts if you have sex with me!” Nathan protests and then kind of gets sidetracked by the thought of having sex with Matt. It makes him feel warm and he blushes and tells his dick not now.
“I know,” Matt says and flops back until he lands in the grass, “This isn’t going to work. I’m graduating and you’re still a kid and our parents aren’t going to let us be together.”
“Do you want to be together?” Nathan asks and flops back into the grass. Their shoulders are touching and Nathan just wants to straddle Matt and make out for a really long time, but Matt looks serious and Nathan has a feeling that his mom is going to send his brother looking for them soon.
“I - yeah,” Matt says and takes a deep breath. “But there’s things getting in the way, you know that.”
“Like Annie?” Nathan asks quietly. It’s getting dark and the street lamps are coming on. They can’t stay outside for forever because it’s still kind of cold for late April and Nathan’s stomach is starting to protest.
Matt is quiet. Nathan doesn’t think he’s ever going to say something and then, “I was always with Annie because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, you know? I like Annie. She’s a sweet girl but it just doesn’t feel right. And when it comes to you I don’t know. I’m not in love with you, Nate, but life kind of really sucks when you’re not around. I don’t want to go to prom with Annie. I don’t even want to go. But that’s what I’m supposed to do.”
“Why don’t you do what you want to do?” Nathan suggests and when Matt rolls his eyes Nathan risks it and rolls over on top of him. His ankle is aching and his stomach is trying to claw its way out of his torso but it feels good to be on top of Matt and he’ll risk his brother finding them.
Matt blinks up at him and then Nathan just kind of tilts his head and kisses him and this time Matt actually pushes his tongue into Nathan’s mouth. It’s sloppy and wet but still somehow totally awesome and when they pull apart to breathe Nathan’s head is spinning.
“We need to get you home before your mom kills both of us,” Matt says but he’s grinning. It takes Nathan five more minutes to get up and then Matt has to shoulder some of his weight as they walk back to Nathan’s house.
His mom eyes them suspiciously but doesn’t say anything, just forces both of them to eat more than they really need to at dinner. Nathan wants to sneak away to his room and make out more but Matt just frowns and says he has to go.
It’s like a sucker punch in the stomach because Matt doesn’t exactly look happy but as he’s leaving he kisses Nathan on the side of the mouth and it makes Nathan feel better.
“I made out with Matt,” Nathan says and Conor stops kissing the stomach of his new puppy to look at him.
“Congratulations?” He says and then smirks and Nathan punches him in the shoulder before he pulls Stella into his lap. Carter is still going strong and his arthritis seems to be getting better but Ryan did this fundraiser for the local shelter and kind of fell in love with her and now Conor has a new puppy.
“I’m seriously happy for you,” Conor says and bumps their knees together. Stella nips at Nathan’s fingers and whines pathetically when Nathan holds her chew toy out of her reach. “But are you guys together or what?”
“I don’t know,” Nathan says and shrugs. “He’s still with Annie, I guess.”
“So you’re his young, hot piece of ass on the side?” Conor asks and Nathan pushes him until Conor falls over onto his side laughing.
Conor finally stops laughing and sits back up. “You’re not going to be with him if he’s still with Annie, are you? Because that’s kind of fucked up. I know you don’t like Annie but that’s kind of shitty to screw her over like that.”
“I know,” Nathan says and pulls Stella into his lap, “he said he didn’t really want to be with her but he never said he was going to end things with her either.”
Conor scratches Stella’s head. “Matt’s going to college, dude. I know Ricky and I wouldn’t shut up about you two but is he going to wait for you? I mean we’re like fifteen.”
Nathan bangs his head against the back of the couch. “Fuck,” he says, “what am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know,” Conor answers honestly. “Talk to him?”
Talking to Matt is the only thing Nathan can do because Matt refuses to make out with him, even when they’re alone. Nathan’s fifteen and now that he’s made out with someone, someone like Matt, that’s all he really ever wants to do when he gets within ten feet of his friend, but Matt refuses to even kiss him.
“Nathan we can’t,” Matt says one Friday when Ricky and Conor are stuck after school actually really doing an extra credit project together and Nathan and Matt are waiting for the buses to clear. “We can’t be seen.”
Nathan huffs and balls his hands into fists in his lap. “You won’t even make out with me when we’re alone.”
Matt sighs and throws his head back against the head rest. “Nathan -”
“Are you even going to break up with Annie?” Nathan asks, voice rising in anger. “What the fuck are we even doing Matt?”
“I don’t know!” Matt rarely ever gets angry and it startles Nathan but then Matt is calming down and looking at him. “Nathan I don’t know, alright? I just don’t know.”
They’re both quiet and Nathan watches the buses leave and feels himself getting sadder and sadder by the second. “I don’t like Annie but I can’t… I know I keep saying we should make out but I’m not going to do that to her.”
“You want me to break up with her?” Matt asks as they’re finally finally leaving the parking lot.
Nathan asks to be dropped off at his own house instead of their original plan to hang out at Matt’s. He gets out of the car, grabs his backpack, and then says, “I want you to do what you want,” before he leaves Matt sitting in his car.
part one part two part three part four AO3
matt grevers/nathan adrian
pg13, 14645 words
warnings for underage (they're both in high school; matt is 18 and nathan is 15) and curse words
AO3
Nathan doesn’t speak to Conor and Ricky for the rest of the weekend and he makes it through third period before he finally gives in and pairs up with Ricky for an in-class project and talks to Conor at lunch. He doesn’t really have much of a reason to be pissed at them, and it was kind of sweet in a messed up Conor Phelps-Lochte sort of way.
Matt keeps his promise and actually sticks around for a couple of hours after school on Friday. They hang out at Nathan’s house and Nathan’s mom kind of just adopts Matt back into the family like he kind of never left, which he never really did, but, whatever, and everything feels like it’s going to go smoothly for the rest of the year.
Ricky and Conor kind of stop their you’re in love with Matt obsession but they don’t stop doing weird things like magically disappearing at random times when Matt comes around or sprawling across various furniture so Nathan’s forced to sit with Matt or close to him.
Near the end of April posters go up and announcements are made almost every single day about prom. Matt still hasn’t asked Annie yet but he’s still got at least three weeks before he really has to and no one ever brings it up in conversation, so for the most part Nathan doesn’t have to think about them going to prom or why that makes him so upset.
For the most part things are fine and Nathan rarely ever has to see Matt and Annie together except for at practice and sometimes in the hallway but even then Annie just ignores Nathan or just makes awkward conversation that ends quickly.
Everything kind of just gets weird when he’s over at Conor’s house one day and Ryan flops down on the couch next to him and hands him a card. Ryan’s like another parent to Nathan, admittedly a lot cooler than his own, and being left alone in a room with him stopped being nerve wracking when Nathan turned eight.
Nathan recognizes the dark blue and green crest on the front as the crappy one his school uses. When he flips the card open and reads what’s inside he kind of does a double take and then puts the card on the coffee table. Somewhere in the kitchen Ricky and Conor are heating up cheese sticks and arguing about something while Mike referees.
“So,” Ryan says and pushes his lips together in a mock duck face that used to crack Nathan up like crazy as a kid. “You okay?”
“Jeah,” Nathan says and makes Ryan grin because he rarely ever says the horrid word, “why wouldn’t I be?”
It’s just an invitation to Matt’s graduation. Nathan’s sure his is probably in the mail or waiting for him at home or maybe Matt’s going to give it to him in person.
“Matt’s graduating bro,” Ryan says. “I know how close you two are. I used to get diabetes watching you two as kids.”
Nathan shrugs. “It’s not like we don’t have the entire summer and it’s not like Matt’s never coming back.”
Ryan picks up the card and spins it between his fingers before he gets serious and says, “If you feel a certain way you need to let that shit out, okay? Cause like you’re hanging onto that for the rest of your life, even after prom, and then like all of a sudden you’re going to be on opposite sides of the country and you’re not going to be as tight and that fucking sucks, trust me.”
Nathan’s not sure where Ryan’s trying to go with his pep talk because well it’s Ryan and like sometimes the things he says don’t make any sense, but that’s what makes Ryan Ryan and Nathan’s grown used to deciphering what he means over the years. He heard prom and suspects that his supposed best friend has been gossiping about him with his parents.
“Ryan,” Mike says and wanders into the living room followed closely by his son and Ricky, “cursing with the kids is a no jeah, remember?”
“I thought that was just a rule for our kid?” Ryan says and makes room for Mike on the couch. Mike hands Nathan a plate of cheese sticks made just for him because Mike secretly likes him the best.
Mike snorts. “Reezy, Nathan and Ricky are our kids.”
When Mike and Ryan adopted Conor they basically adopted all of his friends too, and Nathan’s not a hundred percent sure, but he thinks that it’s in his parents’ will that if something happens to them and his siblings are incapable of taking care of him that he goes to the Phelps-Lochtes. Conor’s house is a second home to him and Nathan spends fifty percent of his time with his real family and the other fifty percent with his adopted one.
They hunker down and watch Wreck-It Ralph even though it’s like ten years old, but it’s hard for Nathan to concentrate; bits and pieces of Ryan’s pep talk keep running through his head.
However he’s feeling he needs to let out but he’s not exactly sure what he is feeling.
Jealousy swipes through his head a couple of times because yeah, he is jealous of the amount of time Annie spends with Matt, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with Matt. Friends get jealous of each other, that stuff happens, but he’s not friends with Annie and he shouldn’t be jealous because it’s not like Matt is everything.
But like, Matt sort of is. Matt’s kind of always been there in his life even if he hasn’t always been physically there, and Nathan doesn’t think of Matt the same way he thinks of Ricky or Conor. He thinks of his two best friends as family and when he thinks of Matt sometimes his heart kind of does weird things and his breathing gets weird and one time like forever ago when he started to really realize that his dick could do more than just pee he had a dream about Matt, but he couldn’t be blamed for that because he’s a teenager and Matt’s really good looking. And maybe he is jealous of Annie not because Matt spends a lot of time with her but because he wants to be the one spending that time with Matt. He wants to hold Matt’s hand and kiss him and go to prom with him.
“Nathan?” Mike says and pulls Nathan out of his thoughts. He’s missed the entire movie and Ricky and Conor are already jostling with each other to see who gets to brush their teeth first. Ryan’s getting Carter ready for his night time walk.
“I’m not in love with Matt,” Nathan says out of habit and then grimaces.
Mike lifts his eyebrow and Nathan says, “I’m not!”
“I wasn’t saying you are,” Mike says and picks up Nathan’s plate. “But just because you aren’t in love with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them.”
It’s unusually sound and cryptic advice from Mike who usually just scoffs at them and ruffles their hair when they come to him with their problems.
“How can you love someone and not be in love with them?” Nathan asks and Mike just shrugs.
“Sometimes that’s how things work,” he says. “Now go brush your teeth. Your mom will kill me if she finds out you skipped out.”
Nathan treks upstairs. Conor and Ricky are already done getting ready for bed and once he’s done Nathan crawls into bed in the spare room with Ricky. They do the you stay on your side of the bed and I’ll stay on mine and if ANYTHING happens we’ll pretend like it never happened thing because they’ve been sharing beds since they were six and that’s just how it is.
After a couple of minutes the door opens and closes and then Conor’s crawling into bed with them making things uncomfortable.
“You have your own bed Phelps-Lochte,” Ricky says but makes room for his friend anyway.
“Shut up Berens,” Conor says and settles down between them.
They’re all quiet and then Nathan buries his arms under his pillow and says into the fabric, “I think I love Matt.”
Ricky snorts. “Dude, we’ve been telling you that.”
“No,” Nathan corrects, “you’ve been saying I’m in love with him and I’m not but I think I love him.”
“Oh,” Conor says and knocks his shoulder into Nathan’s. “Are you going to tell him?”
Nathan groans and buries his face in the pillow. When he doesn’t reply Conor flicks him in the back of the head. “I don’t know!”
“What did my dad say?” Conor asks.
“Dude, did you seriously send your dad to talk to me?”
Conor rolls his eyes and Ricky laughs. “I didn’t know what else to do, okay. And they kind of tricked me into telling them what was going on. You know when they work together they can get anything out of you.”
“I think he told me I should tell Matt but I’m not sure. What kind of stuff is your dad smoking?”
“Excuse you,” Ricky says, “the great Ryan Lochte doesn’t get high. Did you miss the ‘Don’t Do Drugs’ group meeting we had?”
That had been mortifying. Somehow all their parents had gotten together and held a never do drugs focus meeting that had ended in Ryan basically telling them how to get a hold of drugs and Nathan’s mom threatening chores of death if they ever got caught high or with any sort of drug. Nathan’s just glad they all didn’t team up for the sex talk. He shivers at the thought.
They go quiet for a while and Nathan thinks Conor and Ricky have fallen asleep but he says, “Is he going to hate me?”
“No,” Conor replies back in a sleepy whisper, “and if he does Ricky and I will kick his ass.”
“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, voice heavy with sleep.
Nathan doesn’t get an invite to Matt’s graduation in the mail. He knows Ricky gets one and Conor too by default because Mike and Ryan have one. Nathan waits patiently for his own but it never comes. It stings and it hurts and Nathan avoids Matt at the pool and in the hall and rides the bus home on Friday two weeks in a row because it sucks so much.
“Maybe it got lost in the mail?” Ricky suggests at lunch.
Matt’s sitting with some of his senior friends a table over and he keeps trying to make eye contact but Nathan just plays with his mushy carrots and shrugs. “But he personally gave you guys yours.”
Ricky’s face falls and he looks like he doesn’t know what to say. Nathan gives him a weak smile because it’s not Ricky’s fault and then he puts on a brave face and flicks mashed potatoes at Conor as soon as Conor sits down.
“Dude!” Conor says. “This is a new shirt!” And then throws a piece of bread at Nathan’s head.
Nathan gets a stomach virus and misses swim practice. Conor and Ricky text him throughout the day and fill him in on all the gossip he misses at practice but Nathan mostly spends Saturday in the bathroom throwing up. Near the end of the day he finally manages to hold something down and even gets some of his homework done.
His mom knocks on his door around six. “Nathan,” she says, “someone’s here to see you.”
Nathan looks gross and feels even grosser. His mom just sends him to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then pats him on the back when he nestles back into bed.
Matt appears a couple of minutes later in gym clothes and glasses. He shuts the door behind him before he collapses onto the end of Nathan’s bed. Nathan kind of wants to kick him because Matt has no right to just waltz in and sit on his bed like they’re old friends.
“Hey,” he says, “I missed you at practice.”
Yeah right Nathan wants to say but he just feels drowsy and like he might get sick again so he doesn’t.
“Uh,” Matt says awkwardly, “here.” He hands Nathan an envelope and when Nathan opens it he’s surprised to see the graduation invite. “I wanted to give it to you in person but I couldn’t remember where I put yours. When I found it every time I tried to give it you you’d avoid me and then you started riding the bus home and, well, did I do something wrong?”
Nathan feels like a total dick now. He looks down at the invite and then back to Matt. “I um, thanks. I just thought you forgot to invite me.”
Matt laughs and punches Nathan gently in the shoulder. “I’d never forget to invite you.”
Nathan smiles and feels like an idiot. He kicks Matt in the knee as revenge and Matt pinches his ankle and slides off the bed when Nathan tries to kick him again. “Dude,” Matt says with a laugh, “you’re a dick.”
“You fell off by yourself,” Nathan replies and crosses his arm against his chest. Matt kind of just sits there on the floor before he says, “I need your help.”
“Yeah?” Nathan asks and swings his legs over the bed so he can see Matt better. He’s starting to feel better like his stomach no longer wants to crawl out of his throat.
Matt fixes his glasses. “I’ve tried asking my friends for help but they’re too busy coming up with their own plans and all the ideas my dad tell me our lame… but how do you think I should ask Annie to prom?”
Nathan’s stomach drops and he doesn’t think it’s because of the virus. Matt’s looking at him expectantly and it must be because of all the medicine he’s taken today or something because Nathan says, “don’t ask her,” without even thinking.
It’s quiet. Matt looks confused and rolls over the information before he asks, “Why shouldn’t I ask her?”
Because I love you is not a reasonable answer. “Nathan?” Matt asks and Nathan stands up and begins to pace because that’s what he does when he’s nervous.
“Nathan?” Matt asks again and looks legitimately concerned. “Why shouldn’t I ask Annie to prom?”
It’s too much for Nathan. He just came to the realization that he might actually love Matt and Matt didn’t purposefully forget to give him an invitation to his graduation and -
“I don’t want you to take Annie to prom because I’m in love with you!” The words slip out of Nathan’s mouth quickly.
“What?” Matt asks and then Nathan just bolts.
He doesn’t mean to but he just runs because he doesn’t know what else to do. He almost trips on the stairs but he makes it out the door and halfway down the street before he trips on a curb.
It feels like something snaps in Nathan’s ankle. He goes toppling over and slams his too big knees into the ground with a pop. It hurts really bad and Nathan’s sure he’s broken his ankle or at least twisted it, and it feels like his stomach is doing summersaults. He turns over and sits on the curb and curses when he notices all the gravel that’s managed to dig into his knees.
“Nathan,” he hears from above and when he looks up Matt is standing over him. He’s out of breath and doesn’t have his glasses on and he takes a deep breath before he collapses on the curb next to Nathan.
Nathan doesn’t know what to do or say so he just ducks his head and massages his ankle. It doesn’t feel broken but it’s still tender and he winces when he runs his fingers over it.
“Your mom is going to kill you,” Matt says, breathless, and Nathan lets out a bark of laughter that he doesn’t mean to. Matt is just being his usual self and trying to lighten the mood and he doesn’t look pissed or upset or anything.
“I think I broke it,” Nathan says and lets his leg rest outstretched in the street.
“Now you’re just being dramatic,” Matt replies but he crouches over Nathan and runs his hands over his ankle and Nathan jerks back because not only is his ankle sore but Matt is actually touching him and it feels too familiar and easy.
Matt just pulls Nathan’s leg to himself and squeezes. “I think it’s just sprained.”
“Well this sucks,” Nathan deadpans and stares down at his injured limb. Not only does he feel like an idiot for blurting out that he loves Matt and running away, but for also tripping on the curb looking like an idiot.
They sit in silence for a while, Nathan staring at his ankle and Matt playing with the zipper of his jacket, before Matt finally says, “Why’d you run?”
It startles Nathan. “Didn’t you hear what I said?”
And Matt must have not heard him because he just kind of shrugs and scoots a bit closer until they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder. “I heard you,” he says, “but that doesn’t explain why you ran away.”
Nathan gapes and then he tries to put distance between them but his ankle kind of stops that. “I told you that I love you.”
Matt just nods. “I know, I heard, but why did you run away?”
Nathan stands up despite how much his ankle hurts. “I told you I love you, Matt! I’ve been in love with you since like first grade and I didn’t realize it until now okay because Ricky and Conor kept pointing it out and then I had this weird conversation with Ryan about you that didn’t make any sense at first because it’s Ryan, you know? But you don’t know because ever since second grade you’ve been hanging out with Annie and we rarely ever see you except for on Fridays when you just drop us off at one of our houses and don’t hang out with us and it really sucks, okay? And I ran away because I was scared and I was afraid you’d freak out about it but why aren’t you freaking out?”
Matt’s staring up at him, eyebrows up and mouth open. “You thought I’d freak out because you told me you love me?”
“Yes!” Nathan yells, exasperated, and then winces because his ankle is killing him. “Why aren’t you freaking out?!”
Matt shrugs and then pats the ground next to him. When Nathan refuses to budge he says, “Nathan, sit, you’re going to fuck your ankle up,” and then Nathan sits, but leaves a couple of inches between them.
“I just don’t want you to hate me,” Nathan says, voice weak.
He sees Matt move out of the corner of his eye and then suddenly Matt’s face is right there, and his lips are against Nathan’s, and Nathan just make a noise of surprise and opens his mouth but Matt doesn’t push his tongue in, just keeps the kiss shallow before he pulls away. Nathan is fifteen and he’s never been kissed, not until now.
“I’m glad your mom made you brush your teeth before I came up,” Matt says, blue eyes bright, and then Nathan just starts laughing and laughing because everything’s so surreal. Matt kissed him and Nathan told Matt he loved him and his mom is going to kill him and none of this is fucking real.
“This isn’t happening,” Nathan says when he can breathe again and his stomach isn’t protesting. “You - You kissed me!”
“I did,” Matt says and he’s smiling, but then Matt’s smile disappears and everything becomes serious again. “Nathan we can’t… this isn’t going to work.”
“Why’d you kiss me?” Nathan asks and feels like crying but he’s a guy and guys don’t do that. It’s shitty and unfair and he wants to punch Matt right in the jaw. “Why did you kiss me if this isn’t going to work?!”
“You’re fifteen,” Matt says sharply, “and I’m eighteen, Nate. That’s statutory rape.”
“That only counts if you have sex with me!” Nathan protests and then kind of gets sidetracked by the thought of having sex with Matt. It makes him feel warm and he blushes and tells his dick not now.
“I know,” Matt says and flops back until he lands in the grass, “This isn’t going to work. I’m graduating and you’re still a kid and our parents aren’t going to let us be together.”
“Do you want to be together?” Nathan asks and flops back into the grass. Their shoulders are touching and Nathan just wants to straddle Matt and make out for a really long time, but Matt looks serious and Nathan has a feeling that his mom is going to send his brother looking for them soon.
“I - yeah,” Matt says and takes a deep breath. “But there’s things getting in the way, you know that.”
“Like Annie?” Nathan asks quietly. It’s getting dark and the street lamps are coming on. They can’t stay outside for forever because it’s still kind of cold for late April and Nathan’s stomach is starting to protest.
Matt is quiet. Nathan doesn’t think he’s ever going to say something and then, “I was always with Annie because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, you know? I like Annie. She’s a sweet girl but it just doesn’t feel right. And when it comes to you I don’t know. I’m not in love with you, Nate, but life kind of really sucks when you’re not around. I don’t want to go to prom with Annie. I don’t even want to go. But that’s what I’m supposed to do.”
“Why don’t you do what you want to do?” Nathan suggests and when Matt rolls his eyes Nathan risks it and rolls over on top of him. His ankle is aching and his stomach is trying to claw its way out of his torso but it feels good to be on top of Matt and he’ll risk his brother finding them.
Matt blinks up at him and then Nathan just kind of tilts his head and kisses him and this time Matt actually pushes his tongue into Nathan’s mouth. It’s sloppy and wet but still somehow totally awesome and when they pull apart to breathe Nathan’s head is spinning.
“We need to get you home before your mom kills both of us,” Matt says but he’s grinning. It takes Nathan five more minutes to get up and then Matt has to shoulder some of his weight as they walk back to Nathan’s house.
His mom eyes them suspiciously but doesn’t say anything, just forces both of them to eat more than they really need to at dinner. Nathan wants to sneak away to his room and make out more but Matt just frowns and says he has to go.
It’s like a sucker punch in the stomach because Matt doesn’t exactly look happy but as he’s leaving he kisses Nathan on the side of the mouth and it makes Nathan feel better.
“I made out with Matt,” Nathan says and Conor stops kissing the stomach of his new puppy to look at him.
“Congratulations?” He says and then smirks and Nathan punches him in the shoulder before he pulls Stella into his lap. Carter is still going strong and his arthritis seems to be getting better but Ryan did this fundraiser for the local shelter and kind of fell in love with her and now Conor has a new puppy.
“I’m seriously happy for you,” Conor says and bumps their knees together. Stella nips at Nathan’s fingers and whines pathetically when Nathan holds her chew toy out of her reach. “But are you guys together or what?”
“I don’t know,” Nathan says and shrugs. “He’s still with Annie, I guess.”
“So you’re his young, hot piece of ass on the side?” Conor asks and Nathan pushes him until Conor falls over onto his side laughing.
Conor finally stops laughing and sits back up. “You’re not going to be with him if he’s still with Annie, are you? Because that’s kind of fucked up. I know you don’t like Annie but that’s kind of shitty to screw her over like that.”
“I know,” Nathan says and pulls Stella into his lap, “he said he didn’t really want to be with her but he never said he was going to end things with her either.”
Conor scratches Stella’s head. “Matt’s going to college, dude. I know Ricky and I wouldn’t shut up about you two but is he going to wait for you? I mean we’re like fifteen.”
Nathan bangs his head against the back of the couch. “Fuck,” he says, “what am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know,” Conor answers honestly. “Talk to him?”
Talking to Matt is the only thing Nathan can do because Matt refuses to make out with him, even when they’re alone. Nathan’s fifteen and now that he’s made out with someone, someone like Matt, that’s all he really ever wants to do when he gets within ten feet of his friend, but Matt refuses to even kiss him.
“Nathan we can’t,” Matt says one Friday when Ricky and Conor are stuck after school actually really doing an extra credit project together and Nathan and Matt are waiting for the buses to clear. “We can’t be seen.”
Nathan huffs and balls his hands into fists in his lap. “You won’t even make out with me when we’re alone.”
Matt sighs and throws his head back against the head rest. “Nathan -”
“Are you even going to break up with Annie?” Nathan asks, voice rising in anger. “What the fuck are we even doing Matt?”
“I don’t know!” Matt rarely ever gets angry and it startles Nathan but then Matt is calming down and looking at him. “Nathan I don’t know, alright? I just don’t know.”
They’re both quiet and Nathan watches the buses leave and feels himself getting sadder and sadder by the second. “I don’t like Annie but I can’t… I know I keep saying we should make out but I’m not going to do that to her.”
“You want me to break up with her?” Matt asks as they’re finally finally leaving the parking lot.
Nathan asks to be dropped off at his own house instead of their original plan to hang out at Matt’s. He gets out of the car, grabs his backpack, and then says, “I want you to do what you want,” before he leaves Matt sitting in his car.
part one part two part three part four AO3