fic: i'll be fine until the morning comes (part three)
i'll be fine until the morning comes (part three)
matt grevers/nathan adrian
pg13, 14645 words
warnings for underage (they're both in high school; matt is 18 and nathan is 15) and curse words
On Monday Nathan gets tackled to the floor the second he gets to his locker. At first he thinks he’s being jumped, which seems impossible because he practically towers over his other classmates and he doesn’t have any enemies except for Clary by default and maybe Annie, but he soon recognizes the body sitting on top of his as Ricky’s.
“First of all,” Ricky says, “you’re a total dick for not telling me you made out with Matt. I’m your best friend too, asshole. Secondly, Matt just broke up with Annie.”
“What?” Nathan yells and then blushes when the people who weren’t staring at them before begin to stare at them now. The entire school has become used to the Adrian-Berens-Phelps-Lochte trio and don’t blink an eye when they do weird shit like tackle each other but Ricky’s literally sitting on Nathan’s stomach and Nathan’s doing nothing but yelling
.
“Matt literally just broke up with Annie,” Ricky repeats. “Now she’s in the bathroom crying and I swear Rebecca was about to punch Matt in the face.” Ricky gets this dreamy look on his face because Rebecca is like a goddess to him and he’s been crushing on her since seventh grade.
“First period hasn’t even started,” Nathan says and then sits up, successfully toppling Ricky off his stomach.
“I know,” Ricky says, and then gives Nathan this look, “I wonder why, you hussy.”
“I didn’t tell him to!” Nathan whispers because gossip gets around their school quickly. “I just told him to do what he wants.”
Ricky stands up and helps Nathan to his feet. “Well I guess what he wants is not to be with Annie anymore.”
Nathan doesn’t see Matt or Annie for the rest of the day. They find out from Rebecca that Annie faked sick and went home early and Matt is successfully managing to stay in school but go unnoticed and dodge all of Annie’s murderous best friends. The whole school is talking about their break up because Matt and Annie were together since fifth grade and no one can really believe they’ve broken up for good.
Nathan doesn’t know how to feel about the break up. Half of him is overjoyed because it now means that he can make out with Matt almost any time that he wants and the other half feels an overwhelming amount of guilt about the whole thing.
He didn’t specifically say that he wanted Matt to break up with Annie but Matt did it anyway and it’s not even a guarantee that they’re even going to be together. Nathan is fifteen and Matt’s eighteen and even if both their parents are fine with having a gay kid, Nathan knows their parents, and the rest of society, are going to put their feet down about them being together until Nathan turns eighteen, and even then it’s going to be weird because Matt will be twenty-one.
And Nathan doesn’t even know if Matt will even wait for him or he’ll even wait for Matt and it all feels like a horrible romantic comedy gone terribly wrong.
He lays his head on the lunch table and covers his head with his arms. Ricky pats his back comfortingly. “Well,” he says, “at least they won’t be going to prom together.”
Nathan groans.
“Not helping Berens,” Conor says and steals Nathan’s milk.
Annie doesn’t show up for afternoon practice on Wednesday. By now everyone knows that she and Matt are over, even the kids who don’t go to their school, and the pool is filled with unresolved tension. Rebecca doesn’t look like she wants to punch Matt in the face anymore but Natalie looks like she might actually try to drown him. Nathan tries his very best to keep Natalie away from Matt and just get through practice but Matt looks stressed and his times are way off and he won’t even look Nathan’s way.
It’s not until after practice can Nathan get close to Matt. He corners him in the locker room, which is a stupid idea because even though they’re both showered and changed Matt’s hair is still wet and he doesn’t have his glasses on and his workout shirt is showing off his biceps, Nathan’s not exactly sure what to say so he settles on, “you broke up with Annie.”
“I did,” Matt replies and he looks drained and tired and it doesn’t seem to be because they just had practice. “You told me to do what I want so I did.”
Nathan doesn’t know what to say so he doesn’t say anything. He runs his tongue over his teeth and grimaces because they’re not perfect and straight and his mom keeps saying that he needs to get braces.
Matt sits on the bench between the lockers and Nathan sits next to him, their legs touching. “This isn’t going to work, is it?” Nathan asks quietly because even if Annie is out of the picture it’s a shitty thing to do for them to suddenly just get together, not to mention probably illegal.
“You won’t be eighteen for another three years,” Matt says and sounds frustrated. “It’s not - we can’t be together, not right now.”
“When I’m eighteen?” Nathan asks and threads his fingers together.
“And what if you’re with someone? Or if I’m with someone?” Matt rubs his hands over his face. “Three years is a long time and I can’t… I know you think you’re in love with me but that’s not fair for you to hold out for something that might never happen.”
“This sucks,” Nathan says because it’s like being punched in the gut and choked all at the same time. “I wish you’d never kissed me.”
“I know,” Matt says, voice low, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m - I’m going to go now,” Nathan says because he’s fifteen and he’s never really been in love but now he knows what it’s like to get his heart broken.
His dad picks him up from the aquatic center and he looks like he wants to ask what’s wrong but Nathan just shoves his earphones in and turns his music up as loud as it will go. He doesn’t cry about it like some girl but Nathan shoves Matt’s graduation invite into a drawer under his socks and forgets all about it, and when Conor calls to ask how it went he just makes a noise into the phone and refuses to cry.
Conor bikes over and Ricky hitches a ride from his sister. He doesn’t cry into their necks, but they sit shoulder to shoulder and watch old Disney movies. Nathan refuses to think about how filled with bullshit the movies are.
He isn’t a girl and he’s not going to cry because he’s gotten his heart broken.
For the most part life for Nathan sucks.
Now that he’s acutely aware of his feelings for Matt and how they can never be recuperated, at least not now, Nathan sees Matt all the time. He’s always torn between being angry and sad. He wants to hate Matt and love him and punch him and kiss him all at the same time so he turns his back on the other teenager and ducks away into empty classrooms and sits with his back towards him at lunch.
Practice is the worst because their coach demands that they leave their high school drama in high school and doesn’t care that Matt and Annie have broken up or that Nathan and Matt aren’t talking to each other. They swim side by side in their separate lanes and when they leave the water they head to the locker room in opposite directions. The whole team notices and despite being slightly taller than his two best friends they shield Nathan from any unwanted questions.
Prom goes off without a bang. Annie goes with a group of friends because she’s supposedly determined not to let Matt ruin her senior year and Matt - Nathan’s not sure what Matt does but when Natalie shows Nathan pictures of the night Matt’s not in any of them.
A month goes by, the pain starts to recede, and Nathan no longer sits with his back to Matt. He doesn’t make any moves to speak to him but Matt doesn’t look as stressed out as usual. He even smiles at Nathan once and Nathan gives in and smiles back because he can hate Matt for now but he can’t hate him forever.
One day Matt doesn’t show up to lunch and that’s not anything unusual because now that it’s June the seniors keep disappearing to the library and study hall to cram for their exams, but then Matt doesn’t show up for lunch the next day, or the day after that, and Conor Phelps-Lochte has a sixth-sense for knowing when people are worried and not trying to show it and calls them out on it whenever he can.
“The seniors are done,” he says around a mouthful of pudding and Nathan is eerily reminded of how this whole mess started in the first place. “Natalie’s not here either. They graduate on Saturday, don't you remember?”
Nathan doesn’t remember because he hasn’t looked at his graduation invite since the last time he spoke to Matt. It’s still, hopefully, somewhere in his sock drawer. “Uh,” he says when Conor looks at him expectantly, “no?”
“You’re coming, right?” Ricky asks. “I mean I know you and Matt aren’t talking but everyone’s going to be there.”
Nathan hadn’t been thinking about graduation or at least not the actual ceremony. “Maybe?”
“You should go,” Conor says and for once doesn’t seem like he has any alternative motives when it comes to Nathan’s relationship with Matt. “I’m sure he’d want you there.”
Nathan doesn’t make the conscious decision to go to the ceremony. Practice is cancelled that Saturday so he sleeps in until 11 and then his mom wakes him up.
“You’re going to miss the ceremony if you don’t get up,” she says and leaves trousers and a button-up shirt for him at the end of his bed. “And if you’re not going I have a list of chores for you to do.”
Nathan would rather go to the graduation ceremony than do chores. He gets up, brushes his teeth, gets dressed and then gets sandwiched into the Phelps-Lochte car between Ricky and Conor.
“You had something to do with this,” he says to Conor when they pull into the school parking lot. Conor just grins at him and shoves him out the car and snickers when Nathan trips. Mike smacks Conor on the back of the head for being a dick and Nathan and Ricky laugh before they scurry into the auditorium.
They find the Grevers clan in the third row from the back. Matt’s mom pats Nathan on the knee as he sits down. “I’m glad you’re here. Matt was worried that you might not come.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Nathan lies, because he almost did, and Ricky snorts before Ryan throws his arm over the back of his seat and squeezes his neck in warning. By now Nathan is pretty sure that Ryan and Mike know what happened between him and Matt because Conor is a gossiper and can’t hide anything from his parents, but they don’t say anything about it and Nathan isn’t going to broche the subject just in case.
The ceremony is long and boring but when Matt receives his diploma Nathan screams along with the rest of the people assembled to see him. Nathan has a week left of school and then it’s three months of nothing but swim practice and hanging out with his friends, but when school starts up again Matt won’t be there. It’s happened like that before; Nathan staying at the same school and Matt moving up, but it’ll be different now, because Nathan can’t catch up to Matt. Matt’s going to Northwestern all the way in Chicago and Nathan wants to go to Berkeley on the other side of the country and they’ll never been in the same school together ever again.
Nathan thinks he’s being dropped off at his house after graduation is over but Mike makes a left instead of a right leaving the parking lot and Nathan elbows Conor in the ribs. “You didn’t tell me we were going to his house.”
“I didn’t tell you anything in the first place,” Conor bites back. “And of course we’re going to his house. You can’t just show up to an event and not go to the after party. That’s rude.”
“Jeah Nathan,” Ryan says from up front. “I raised you better than that.”
Ryan technically didn’t raise him, but, whatever.
Surprisingly Nathan doesn’t run into Matt for a really long time.
A lot of Matt’s family have shown up for his graduation and Nathan spends a considerable amount of time talking to Matt’s cousins and having a conversation with Matt’s aunt about where he wants to go to school and if he’ll continue to swim throughout his college career.
It’s not until Nathan’s on his way back from the bathroom does he bump into Matt. Matt’s carrying his cap and gown, probably heading to his room, but he stops in his tracks when he sees Nathan.
It’s quiet in the hall and Nathan’s not sure what to say. He’s not angry with Matt, not anymore, but it feels awkward and uncomfortable, and it shouldn’t be that way.
“I’m glad you came,” Matt finally says. He sounds happy and relieved. Nathan’s not going to tell him that he almost didn’t show up, but he’s happy that he did. He’s proud of Matt, and happy for him, and even though the past month has been a mixture of hell and something else it feels good to actually be talking to Matt again.
There’s a moment of silence between them. Matt’s playing with his dark blue cap and looking at the floor.
“I don’t hate you,” Nathan blurts out and then grimaces at how ridiculous it sounds. “I mean - I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a month. It’s just - you know why.”
“Yeah,” Matt says and finally looks up. His hair is spiked up from the cap, and he hasn’t shaven for the occasion. He looks like a real adult, not a kid literally fresh out of high school, and it’s painfully obvious to Nathan why they can’t be together; Matt’s an adult and he’s just a kid.
Matt hangs his gown over his arm and steps closer. They’re not close enough to kiss, or even hug, but Nathan feels anxious. “I don’t regret kissing you.”
“You don’t mean that,” Nathan responds and takes a step closer even though he doesn’t want to.
“I do,” Matt replies and Nathan doesn’t know how it happens, but they’re kissing, and they shouldn’t be. Matt broke his fucking heart and he doesn’t have any right to toy with him - he can’t just kiss Nathan when he wants and then tell him that it won’t work, but despite that Nathan is kissing back.
He’s inexperienced and doesn’t know what he’s doing, but Matt doesn’t seem to mind. He backs Nathan into the wall and drops his cap and gown, the material pooling around their feet.
Nathan can hear Matt’s family in the other room, and Ricky and Conor too, and they’re going to get caught, he knows it, but Nathan digs his fingers into Matt’s hair and pulls him closer.
He’s acutely aware of how their hips line up and Nathan moans when Matt’s legs slip between his own. If he wanted to he could probably hump Matt’s leg and get off but they’re at Matt’s graduation party and his great grandma is in the other room.
Matt pulls away and Nathan tries to chase his mouth but Matt just presses his forehead against the wall next to Nathan’s neck. “We can’t do this.”
“Fuck,” Nathan says loudly and hears Mike in the back of his head yelling about a no jeah but no one comes out of the kitchen or around the corner. “You can’t say that. You can’t do this to me.”
“I know,” Matt says and pulls back. He puts distance between them, his back against the opposite wall. Nathan wants to punch him.
“We can’t do this,” Matt says again. Nathan feels something tighten in the back of his throat and he just wants to go find Conor and maybe cry into his neck like a little kid and then have Ricky beat Matt up like he promised. Matt runs his fingers through his hair like he’s frustrated. “We can’t do this but I want to.”
Nathan just blinks and feels a nervous flutter in the bottom of his stomach. “You what?”
“I want to do this.” Matt makes a sweeping motion with his hands between them. “I want to be with you.”
There’s a friendly argument going on in the living room and it’s weird to be standing in the hallway talking about his maybe relationship with Matt while Matt’s entire family and friends celebrate less than ten feet away. Anyone could have decided to go to the bathroom and caught them making out against the wall. “You said it wasn’t going to work.”
Matt smiles nervously. “Maybe I was wrong?”
Nathan tries not to smile back. “What about our age difference? And you going to Northwestern?”
Matt’s mom calls for him from the kitchen to cut the cake. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?” Matt says and picks his cap and gown up off the floor. “Tell my mom I’ll be right there.” Matt runs up the stairs to put his clothes away and Nathan takes a deep breath before joining everyone else in the kitchen.
Conor is eying him as Nathan passes on the message to Mrs Grevers. “What?” Nathan asks when he joins his best friend on the other side of the room.
“Your lips are all red,” Conor says, his eyes narrowing and then widening in realization. “Nathan!”
Nathan wipes his mouth on his sleeve like that will rub away the redness. Ricky shuffles closer to them and whispers, “You hussy.”
Nathan steps on Ricky’s foot to shut him up. “I’m not a hussy.”
Ricky just snorts and puts on a fake grin when Mike glares at him from across the room. Mike looks like he’s suspicious about something and his eyes narrow in on Nathan, and then on Nathan’s lips. When Matt walks into the room looking a bit disheveled and his own lips swollen Mike’s eyes open hysterically wide before he mouths no.
Nathan isn’t sure if he means no as in I can’t believe you made out with Matt at his own graduation party and I know you did, hussy or no as in Matt is off limits. Nathan feels nervous. Mike is like a second parent to him and he hasn’t made any outward protests towards him and Matt being together, but that doesn’t mean Mike isn’t against it and isn’t going to tell his parents.
“Uh oh,” Conor whispers into his ear, “I think my dad knows.”
“I thought he already knew?” Nathan whispers back urgently. Mrs Grevers is cutting the cake and Mike is glaring at them over her shoulder.
“He sort of knew?” Conor replies as Mr Grevers hands him a slice of cake. Once Nathan and Ricky get their slices they disappear into the living room before Mike can grab them. “I mean it’s been pretty obvious that you two were made for each other since we were kids but I didn’t tell him you made out with Matt. I sort of told him that you guys were waiting?”
“Waiting,” Nathan repeats. Conor at least looks sort of guilty.
“I don’t think he’s going to say anything,” Conor says and takes a bite out of his cake. “You know my dad. He’ll probably give you a speech about safe sex and then manage to reverse psychology you into ratting yourself out to your own parents.”
It’s a special skill Mike has picked up over the years. Nathan remembers when he and Ryan were new parents and still awkward at the whole making a kid do what you want thing but somehow Mike’s learnt how to guilt trip them into ratting themselves out. It works every damn time. Nathan’s never been able to get away with anything in his entire life pass the age of eight because of Michael Phelps.
It’s not like Nathan hasn’t thought about telling his parents, or at least his mom. There’s not much to really tell them other than he might be with Matt. It’s not like he’s planning to run away with him and get married and have adopted babies or something but he can’t secretly be with Matt either. They can’t keep their relationship secret for three years and then go surprise! Matt and I have secretly been together all this time!
Nathan thinks he’s safe. He manages to eat his slice of cake and even get a Coke from the refreshment table before he’s being crowded against the wall by Mike.
“You,” Mike says, but he doesn’t sound pissed. Actually, he looks a bit awkward, like he isn’t sure of himself. “Did you make out with Matt at his graduation party?”
“Maybe?” Nathan replies and then, “yes,” because he’s a horrible liar.
Mike kind of just sighs and rubs at his face. “Do your parents know?”
“We haven’t had sex,” Nathan admits and feels so fucking embarrassed. It’s hard enough talking about it to his own dad, let alone Mike.
Mike looks disgusted. “I don’t need to know that but - shit, I guess I’m like a dad to you right? So you can come to me about that stuff but go to your own parents first.” Nathan nods. “Have you told them you’re with Matt? Have you even told them that you’re gay?”
No one’s really paying attention to them but Nathan feels uncomfortable. The Grevers are kicking ass at a game of horseshoes in the backyard and Matt’s great grandma has fallen asleep on the couch. Ricky and Conor have disappeared and Matt’s nowhere to be seen.
“No,” Nathan says. “Can we not talk about this here? I don’t even know if Matt and I are even together.”
“Okay,” Mike says and nods before he ruffles Nathan’s hair and steals his Coke. “Just promise me you’ll keep your lips to yourself for now, okay?”
Nathan promises to keep his lips to himself until the party is over. After that he can’t be held responsible for anything his lips decide to do.
After the game of horseshoes is over people start to wander home. Most of the Grevers are visiting from out of town and Matt’s forfeited his room over to his aunt and uncle so there isn’t even a chance for them to get their hands on each other again. Nathan has to give Matt the most awkward hug goodbye when it’s time for them to leave.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Matt tells him. “If that’s okay?”
“Yeah,” Nathan says as Mike clears his throat and glares daggers.
He gets dropped off at his house around ten-thirty. Both of his parents are asleep and his brother is off somewhere with friends. Nathan disposes of his clothes and crawls into bed after brushing his teeth. He’s tired, and wants to sleep, but he suddenly feels excited and giddy. He brushes his fingers over his lips. It takes Nathan over an hour to fall asleep.
part one part two part three part four AO3
matt grevers/nathan adrian
pg13, 14645 words
warnings for underage (they're both in high school; matt is 18 and nathan is 15) and curse words
On Monday Nathan gets tackled to the floor the second he gets to his locker. At first he thinks he’s being jumped, which seems impossible because he practically towers over his other classmates and he doesn’t have any enemies except for Clary by default and maybe Annie, but he soon recognizes the body sitting on top of his as Ricky’s.
“First of all,” Ricky says, “you’re a total dick for not telling me you made out with Matt. I’m your best friend too, asshole. Secondly, Matt just broke up with Annie.”
“What?” Nathan yells and then blushes when the people who weren’t staring at them before begin to stare at them now. The entire school has become used to the Adrian-Berens-Phelps-Lochte trio and don’t blink an eye when they do weird shit like tackle each other but Ricky’s literally sitting on Nathan’s stomach and Nathan’s doing nothing but yelling
.
“Matt literally just broke up with Annie,” Ricky repeats. “Now she’s in the bathroom crying and I swear Rebecca was about to punch Matt in the face.” Ricky gets this dreamy look on his face because Rebecca is like a goddess to him and he’s been crushing on her since seventh grade.
“First period hasn’t even started,” Nathan says and then sits up, successfully toppling Ricky off his stomach.
“I know,” Ricky says, and then gives Nathan this look, “I wonder why, you hussy.”
“I didn’t tell him to!” Nathan whispers because gossip gets around their school quickly. “I just told him to do what he wants.”
Ricky stands up and helps Nathan to his feet. “Well I guess what he wants is not to be with Annie anymore.”
Nathan doesn’t see Matt or Annie for the rest of the day. They find out from Rebecca that Annie faked sick and went home early and Matt is successfully managing to stay in school but go unnoticed and dodge all of Annie’s murderous best friends. The whole school is talking about their break up because Matt and Annie were together since fifth grade and no one can really believe they’ve broken up for good.
Nathan doesn’t know how to feel about the break up. Half of him is overjoyed because it now means that he can make out with Matt almost any time that he wants and the other half feels an overwhelming amount of guilt about the whole thing.
He didn’t specifically say that he wanted Matt to break up with Annie but Matt did it anyway and it’s not even a guarantee that they’re even going to be together. Nathan is fifteen and Matt’s eighteen and even if both their parents are fine with having a gay kid, Nathan knows their parents, and the rest of society, are going to put their feet down about them being together until Nathan turns eighteen, and even then it’s going to be weird because Matt will be twenty-one.
And Nathan doesn’t even know if Matt will even wait for him or he’ll even wait for Matt and it all feels like a horrible romantic comedy gone terribly wrong.
He lays his head on the lunch table and covers his head with his arms. Ricky pats his back comfortingly. “Well,” he says, “at least they won’t be going to prom together.”
Nathan groans.
“Not helping Berens,” Conor says and steals Nathan’s milk.
Annie doesn’t show up for afternoon practice on Wednesday. By now everyone knows that she and Matt are over, even the kids who don’t go to their school, and the pool is filled with unresolved tension. Rebecca doesn’t look like she wants to punch Matt in the face anymore but Natalie looks like she might actually try to drown him. Nathan tries his very best to keep Natalie away from Matt and just get through practice but Matt looks stressed and his times are way off and he won’t even look Nathan’s way.
It’s not until after practice can Nathan get close to Matt. He corners him in the locker room, which is a stupid idea because even though they’re both showered and changed Matt’s hair is still wet and he doesn’t have his glasses on and his workout shirt is showing off his biceps, Nathan’s not exactly sure what to say so he settles on, “you broke up with Annie.”
“I did,” Matt replies and he looks drained and tired and it doesn’t seem to be because they just had practice. “You told me to do what I want so I did.”
Nathan doesn’t know what to say so he doesn’t say anything. He runs his tongue over his teeth and grimaces because they’re not perfect and straight and his mom keeps saying that he needs to get braces.
Matt sits on the bench between the lockers and Nathan sits next to him, their legs touching. “This isn’t going to work, is it?” Nathan asks quietly because even if Annie is out of the picture it’s a shitty thing to do for them to suddenly just get together, not to mention probably illegal.
“You won’t be eighteen for another three years,” Matt says and sounds frustrated. “It’s not - we can’t be together, not right now.”
“When I’m eighteen?” Nathan asks and threads his fingers together.
“And what if you’re with someone? Or if I’m with someone?” Matt rubs his hands over his face. “Three years is a long time and I can’t… I know you think you’re in love with me but that’s not fair for you to hold out for something that might never happen.”
“This sucks,” Nathan says because it’s like being punched in the gut and choked all at the same time. “I wish you’d never kissed me.”
“I know,” Matt says, voice low, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m - I’m going to go now,” Nathan says because he’s fifteen and he’s never really been in love but now he knows what it’s like to get his heart broken.
His dad picks him up from the aquatic center and he looks like he wants to ask what’s wrong but Nathan just shoves his earphones in and turns his music up as loud as it will go. He doesn’t cry about it like some girl but Nathan shoves Matt’s graduation invite into a drawer under his socks and forgets all about it, and when Conor calls to ask how it went he just makes a noise into the phone and refuses to cry.
Conor bikes over and Ricky hitches a ride from his sister. He doesn’t cry into their necks, but they sit shoulder to shoulder and watch old Disney movies. Nathan refuses to think about how filled with bullshit the movies are.
He isn’t a girl and he’s not going to cry because he’s gotten his heart broken.
For the most part life for Nathan sucks.
Now that he’s acutely aware of his feelings for Matt and how they can never be recuperated, at least not now, Nathan sees Matt all the time. He’s always torn between being angry and sad. He wants to hate Matt and love him and punch him and kiss him all at the same time so he turns his back on the other teenager and ducks away into empty classrooms and sits with his back towards him at lunch.
Practice is the worst because their coach demands that they leave their high school drama in high school and doesn’t care that Matt and Annie have broken up or that Nathan and Matt aren’t talking to each other. They swim side by side in their separate lanes and when they leave the water they head to the locker room in opposite directions. The whole team notices and despite being slightly taller than his two best friends they shield Nathan from any unwanted questions.
Prom goes off without a bang. Annie goes with a group of friends because she’s supposedly determined not to let Matt ruin her senior year and Matt - Nathan’s not sure what Matt does but when Natalie shows Nathan pictures of the night Matt’s not in any of them.
A month goes by, the pain starts to recede, and Nathan no longer sits with his back to Matt. He doesn’t make any moves to speak to him but Matt doesn’t look as stressed out as usual. He even smiles at Nathan once and Nathan gives in and smiles back because he can hate Matt for now but he can’t hate him forever.
One day Matt doesn’t show up to lunch and that’s not anything unusual because now that it’s June the seniors keep disappearing to the library and study hall to cram for their exams, but then Matt doesn’t show up for lunch the next day, or the day after that, and Conor Phelps-Lochte has a sixth-sense for knowing when people are worried and not trying to show it and calls them out on it whenever he can.
“The seniors are done,” he says around a mouthful of pudding and Nathan is eerily reminded of how this whole mess started in the first place. “Natalie’s not here either. They graduate on Saturday, don't you remember?”
Nathan doesn’t remember because he hasn’t looked at his graduation invite since the last time he spoke to Matt. It’s still, hopefully, somewhere in his sock drawer. “Uh,” he says when Conor looks at him expectantly, “no?”
“You’re coming, right?” Ricky asks. “I mean I know you and Matt aren’t talking but everyone’s going to be there.”
Nathan hadn’t been thinking about graduation or at least not the actual ceremony. “Maybe?”
“You should go,” Conor says and for once doesn’t seem like he has any alternative motives when it comes to Nathan’s relationship with Matt. “I’m sure he’d want you there.”
Nathan doesn’t make the conscious decision to go to the ceremony. Practice is cancelled that Saturday so he sleeps in until 11 and then his mom wakes him up.
“You’re going to miss the ceremony if you don’t get up,” she says and leaves trousers and a button-up shirt for him at the end of his bed. “And if you’re not going I have a list of chores for you to do.”
Nathan would rather go to the graduation ceremony than do chores. He gets up, brushes his teeth, gets dressed and then gets sandwiched into the Phelps-Lochte car between Ricky and Conor.
“You had something to do with this,” he says to Conor when they pull into the school parking lot. Conor just grins at him and shoves him out the car and snickers when Nathan trips. Mike smacks Conor on the back of the head for being a dick and Nathan and Ricky laugh before they scurry into the auditorium.
They find the Grevers clan in the third row from the back. Matt’s mom pats Nathan on the knee as he sits down. “I’m glad you’re here. Matt was worried that you might not come.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Nathan lies, because he almost did, and Ricky snorts before Ryan throws his arm over the back of his seat and squeezes his neck in warning. By now Nathan is pretty sure that Ryan and Mike know what happened between him and Matt because Conor is a gossiper and can’t hide anything from his parents, but they don’t say anything about it and Nathan isn’t going to broche the subject just in case.
The ceremony is long and boring but when Matt receives his diploma Nathan screams along with the rest of the people assembled to see him. Nathan has a week left of school and then it’s three months of nothing but swim practice and hanging out with his friends, but when school starts up again Matt won’t be there. It’s happened like that before; Nathan staying at the same school and Matt moving up, but it’ll be different now, because Nathan can’t catch up to Matt. Matt’s going to Northwestern all the way in Chicago and Nathan wants to go to Berkeley on the other side of the country and they’ll never been in the same school together ever again.
Nathan thinks he’s being dropped off at his house after graduation is over but Mike makes a left instead of a right leaving the parking lot and Nathan elbows Conor in the ribs. “You didn’t tell me we were going to his house.”
“I didn’t tell you anything in the first place,” Conor bites back. “And of course we’re going to his house. You can’t just show up to an event and not go to the after party. That’s rude.”
“Jeah Nathan,” Ryan says from up front. “I raised you better than that.”
Ryan technically didn’t raise him, but, whatever.
Surprisingly Nathan doesn’t run into Matt for a really long time.
A lot of Matt’s family have shown up for his graduation and Nathan spends a considerable amount of time talking to Matt’s cousins and having a conversation with Matt’s aunt about where he wants to go to school and if he’ll continue to swim throughout his college career.
It’s not until Nathan’s on his way back from the bathroom does he bump into Matt. Matt’s carrying his cap and gown, probably heading to his room, but he stops in his tracks when he sees Nathan.
It’s quiet in the hall and Nathan’s not sure what to say. He’s not angry with Matt, not anymore, but it feels awkward and uncomfortable, and it shouldn’t be that way.
“I’m glad you came,” Matt finally says. He sounds happy and relieved. Nathan’s not going to tell him that he almost didn’t show up, but he’s happy that he did. He’s proud of Matt, and happy for him, and even though the past month has been a mixture of hell and something else it feels good to actually be talking to Matt again.
There’s a moment of silence between them. Matt’s playing with his dark blue cap and looking at the floor.
“I don’t hate you,” Nathan blurts out and then grimaces at how ridiculous it sounds. “I mean - I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a month. It’s just - you know why.”
“Yeah,” Matt says and finally looks up. His hair is spiked up from the cap, and he hasn’t shaven for the occasion. He looks like a real adult, not a kid literally fresh out of high school, and it’s painfully obvious to Nathan why they can’t be together; Matt’s an adult and he’s just a kid.
Matt hangs his gown over his arm and steps closer. They’re not close enough to kiss, or even hug, but Nathan feels anxious. “I don’t regret kissing you.”
“You don’t mean that,” Nathan responds and takes a step closer even though he doesn’t want to.
“I do,” Matt replies and Nathan doesn’t know how it happens, but they’re kissing, and they shouldn’t be. Matt broke his fucking heart and he doesn’t have any right to toy with him - he can’t just kiss Nathan when he wants and then tell him that it won’t work, but despite that Nathan is kissing back.
He’s inexperienced and doesn’t know what he’s doing, but Matt doesn’t seem to mind. He backs Nathan into the wall and drops his cap and gown, the material pooling around their feet.
Nathan can hear Matt’s family in the other room, and Ricky and Conor too, and they’re going to get caught, he knows it, but Nathan digs his fingers into Matt’s hair and pulls him closer.
He’s acutely aware of how their hips line up and Nathan moans when Matt’s legs slip between his own. If he wanted to he could probably hump Matt’s leg and get off but they’re at Matt’s graduation party and his great grandma is in the other room.
Matt pulls away and Nathan tries to chase his mouth but Matt just presses his forehead against the wall next to Nathan’s neck. “We can’t do this.”
“Fuck,” Nathan says loudly and hears Mike in the back of his head yelling about a no jeah but no one comes out of the kitchen or around the corner. “You can’t say that. You can’t do this to me.”
“I know,” Matt says and pulls back. He puts distance between them, his back against the opposite wall. Nathan wants to punch him.
“We can’t do this,” Matt says again. Nathan feels something tighten in the back of his throat and he just wants to go find Conor and maybe cry into his neck like a little kid and then have Ricky beat Matt up like he promised. Matt runs his fingers through his hair like he’s frustrated. “We can’t do this but I want to.”
Nathan just blinks and feels a nervous flutter in the bottom of his stomach. “You what?”
“I want to do this.” Matt makes a sweeping motion with his hands between them. “I want to be with you.”
There’s a friendly argument going on in the living room and it’s weird to be standing in the hallway talking about his maybe relationship with Matt while Matt’s entire family and friends celebrate less than ten feet away. Anyone could have decided to go to the bathroom and caught them making out against the wall. “You said it wasn’t going to work.”
Matt smiles nervously. “Maybe I was wrong?”
Nathan tries not to smile back. “What about our age difference? And you going to Northwestern?”
Matt’s mom calls for him from the kitchen to cut the cake. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?” Matt says and picks his cap and gown up off the floor. “Tell my mom I’ll be right there.” Matt runs up the stairs to put his clothes away and Nathan takes a deep breath before joining everyone else in the kitchen.
Conor is eying him as Nathan passes on the message to Mrs Grevers. “What?” Nathan asks when he joins his best friend on the other side of the room.
“Your lips are all red,” Conor says, his eyes narrowing and then widening in realization. “Nathan!”
Nathan wipes his mouth on his sleeve like that will rub away the redness. Ricky shuffles closer to them and whispers, “You hussy.”
Nathan steps on Ricky’s foot to shut him up. “I’m not a hussy.”
Ricky just snorts and puts on a fake grin when Mike glares at him from across the room. Mike looks like he’s suspicious about something and his eyes narrow in on Nathan, and then on Nathan’s lips. When Matt walks into the room looking a bit disheveled and his own lips swollen Mike’s eyes open hysterically wide before he mouths no.
Nathan isn’t sure if he means no as in I can’t believe you made out with Matt at his own graduation party and I know you did, hussy or no as in Matt is off limits. Nathan feels nervous. Mike is like a second parent to him and he hasn’t made any outward protests towards him and Matt being together, but that doesn’t mean Mike isn’t against it and isn’t going to tell his parents.
“Uh oh,” Conor whispers into his ear, “I think my dad knows.”
“I thought he already knew?” Nathan whispers back urgently. Mrs Grevers is cutting the cake and Mike is glaring at them over her shoulder.
“He sort of knew?” Conor replies as Mr Grevers hands him a slice of cake. Once Nathan and Ricky get their slices they disappear into the living room before Mike can grab them. “I mean it’s been pretty obvious that you two were made for each other since we were kids but I didn’t tell him you made out with Matt. I sort of told him that you guys were waiting?”
“Waiting,” Nathan repeats. Conor at least looks sort of guilty.
“I don’t think he’s going to say anything,” Conor says and takes a bite out of his cake. “You know my dad. He’ll probably give you a speech about safe sex and then manage to reverse psychology you into ratting yourself out to your own parents.”
It’s a special skill Mike has picked up over the years. Nathan remembers when he and Ryan were new parents and still awkward at the whole making a kid do what you want thing but somehow Mike’s learnt how to guilt trip them into ratting themselves out. It works every damn time. Nathan’s never been able to get away with anything in his entire life pass the age of eight because of Michael Phelps.
It’s not like Nathan hasn’t thought about telling his parents, or at least his mom. There’s not much to really tell them other than he might be with Matt. It’s not like he’s planning to run away with him and get married and have adopted babies or something but he can’t secretly be with Matt either. They can’t keep their relationship secret for three years and then go surprise! Matt and I have secretly been together all this time!
Nathan thinks he’s safe. He manages to eat his slice of cake and even get a Coke from the refreshment table before he’s being crowded against the wall by Mike.
“You,” Mike says, but he doesn’t sound pissed. Actually, he looks a bit awkward, like he isn’t sure of himself. “Did you make out with Matt at his graduation party?”
“Maybe?” Nathan replies and then, “yes,” because he’s a horrible liar.
Mike kind of just sighs and rubs at his face. “Do your parents know?”
“We haven’t had sex,” Nathan admits and feels so fucking embarrassed. It’s hard enough talking about it to his own dad, let alone Mike.
Mike looks disgusted. “I don’t need to know that but - shit, I guess I’m like a dad to you right? So you can come to me about that stuff but go to your own parents first.” Nathan nods. “Have you told them you’re with Matt? Have you even told them that you’re gay?”
No one’s really paying attention to them but Nathan feels uncomfortable. The Grevers are kicking ass at a game of horseshoes in the backyard and Matt’s great grandma has fallen asleep on the couch. Ricky and Conor have disappeared and Matt’s nowhere to be seen.
“No,” Nathan says. “Can we not talk about this here? I don’t even know if Matt and I are even together.”
“Okay,” Mike says and nods before he ruffles Nathan’s hair and steals his Coke. “Just promise me you’ll keep your lips to yourself for now, okay?”
Nathan promises to keep his lips to himself until the party is over. After that he can’t be held responsible for anything his lips decide to do.
After the game of horseshoes is over people start to wander home. Most of the Grevers are visiting from out of town and Matt’s forfeited his room over to his aunt and uncle so there isn’t even a chance for them to get their hands on each other again. Nathan has to give Matt the most awkward hug goodbye when it’s time for them to leave.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Matt tells him. “If that’s okay?”
“Yeah,” Nathan says as Mike clears his throat and glares daggers.
He gets dropped off at his house around ten-thirty. Both of his parents are asleep and his brother is off somewhere with friends. Nathan disposes of his clothes and crawls into bed after brushing his teeth. He’s tired, and wants to sleep, but he suddenly feels excited and giddy. He brushes his fingers over his lips. It takes Nathan over an hour to fall asleep.
part one part two part three part four AO3