fic: olympians on olympus (part one)
olympians on olympus
ryan lochte/michael phelps (matt grevers/nathan adrian)
nc17, 15215 words
collabs with also dedicated to aftereighteen. warnings for curse words, explicit sex, major and minor character death, and genderswap.
Cast list (NB - following Greek custom, many female roles are played here by men):
Dionysus (God of the grape harvest, wine and winemaking, plus ritual madness and ecstasy) - Michael Phelps
Adonis (God of beauty and desire) - Ryan Lochte
Aphrodite (Goddess of love, beauty, pleasure and procreation) - Cullen Jones
Eros (God of love) - Devon Lochte
Zeus (King of the gods, father of Dionysus) - himself
Hera (Queen of the gods, wife of Zeus) - Tyler Clary
Persephone (Queen of the Underworld, goddess of springtime, guardian of Adonis) - Ike Lochte
Semele (mother of Dionysus and a mere mortal) - Debbie Phelps
Hermes (God of transitions and boundaries, messenger for the gods) - Ricky Berens
Asclepius (God of medicine and healing) - Nathan Adrian
Heracles (divine hero, master of strength) - Matt De Lancey
Thalia (the muse of comedy) - Jeff Gross
Artemis (Goddess of the hunt, virginity, childbirth, archery, the moon and all animals) - Missy Franklin
Nike (Goddess of victory) - Conor Dwyer
Horme (personification of energy and effort) - Gene Gamble
Eusebeia (deity of loyalty) - Kyle Deery
Bia (personification of force) - Matt Grevers
Phobos (God of fear) - Aaron Piersol
Priapus (rustic fertility God; protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia) - Eric Shanteau
Sirens - group of noisy women, loosely representing certain GOAT-chasers
There was no such thing as a quiet day on Mount Olympus. What with it being home of the Gods - who were all married but fucking each other - and there usually being at least one mortal screwing up at any given moment, it was normally a lively place to be. But on the morning of Dionysus’s return, things got even more interesting than usual.
The Gods and Goddesses are awaking from their slumbers in varying degrees of post-inebriation pain and are informed of Dionysus’s arrival by Thalia, who most of them find irritating as fuck. Dionysus, however, enjoys Thalia’s company as she is, the other Gods will grudgingly admit, of high entertainment value.
Thalia skips excitedly through Olympus, tooting her bugle and giggling manically. “He’s back! He’s here! He’s coming! Party season starts now!”
Zeus is startled awake by the commotion and grunts, rubbing his eyes. He glances around, doing a quick head count and can’t figure out who’s missing. “Hera,” he smacks his wife who is sleeping beside him. “Who did we lose?”
She wakes up and scowls at her husband. “Nobody. You weren’t that drunk last night that you threw any lightning or ordered any killings. Go back to sleep, Mama’s got a headache,” she mutters.
At the mention of the word headache, Asclepius appears beside her presenting a smoking chalice. “Potion for your head, Hera?”
She nods, taking the chalice from him and downing the contents of it with a grimace. Asclepius disappears the moment the chalice is taken from him, knowing that Hera is as easily angered as she is pleased, and aware that staying out of her sight and out of trouble is a good move.
A moment later, a series of screaming and wailing starts and Hera becomes angrier. “Zeus, will you tell the Sirens to shut the fuck up?” she grumbles.
Zeus sits up a little on his throne and groans. “Shit,” he says by way of response. “I don’t think I can.”
“What? You’re Zeus, of course you can!”
He shakes his head. “This is your fault, look.” He points across Mount Olympus, indicating the screaming band of women approaching. As they get closer, it becomes obvious that they’re surrounding someone.
“Is that...?” Hera asks, aghast.
“It’s Dionysus!” Thalia helpfully supplies, skipping past again. “I told you he was back.”
“I thought you got rid of him, dearest?” Zeus asks mildly.
“So did I,” Hera growls. “Turns out he didn’t mean it when he said he wouldn’t be making a comeback.”
“Just... can you be nice? He’s my kid.”
“I’m aware of that,” Hera bites back. “Painfully so. Why you screwed a mortal when you can have a Goddess any time is anyone’s guess. Stupid bastard will only be here because he needs money.”
“Why would he need money?” Zeus asks. “He’s a God. He can do anything, he can even bring back the dead.”
“Half-God,” Hera corrects, before fully taking in what Zeus has said. “Hold up. Bring back the dead?! Only a few of us can do that, and you let HIM do that?!”
Zeus nods. “He’s my son, of course he can.”
“This is worse than I thought,” Hera groans. “Have him banished and wake me up when it’s over.”
Before Hera can go back to sleep, Dionysus and his tribe of Sirens are upon them. Dionysus greets Zeus casually. “Dad,” he nods. “Hi, not-my-Mom. Great to see you again,” he adds, sarcastically.”
Hera rolls her eyes. “Fuck off, mortal.”
“I’ve a good mind to show you just how much of a God I really am,” Dionysus counters. “But given that you’re not even good enough for my Dad to fuck you, I don’t think you’re good enough for me either.”
Hera snorts. “Anything with a pulse is good enough for you. Everyone knows you’re not picky. Just look at what you’ve brought with you,” she gestures to the Sirens. “Everyone knows those dirty nymphs are full of disease.”
“You might find you were happier if you got laid occasionally,” Dionysus retorts. “But you have to be nice to people before they’ll ask you to put out.”
“Enough!” Zeus thunders. “Why are you here, Dionysus?”
“Because I’m entitled to be,” Dionysus reminds him. “Being banished was boring, so I thought I’d come back for a bit, see what’s going on.”
“It was supposed to be boring, that’s the point,” Hera mutters.
Dionysus ignores her. “So anyway, just thought I’d drop by and say hi. I’ll be keeping myself busy, going to organise a party to celebrate my return, seeing as parties are my thing.”
“Right,” Zeus nods. “Well, just try not to incite any riots, hmm? I heard about the incident in Thebes and it didn’t please me.”
Dionysus laughed. “Ah it would’ve if you’d been there. You kinda had to see those women going nuts and tearing their own son and nephew apart to appreciate it.”
Zeus rolls his eyes. “My son’s a terrorist, who’d have thought?”
Dionysus ignores him, instead bellowing, “HERMES!”
The messenger god appears immediately. “You rang?” he asks.
Dionysus grins and slings an arm around his shoulders. “We’ve got a party to plan, come on.”
*
Later that day, when Dionysus has fucked a couple of Sirens, having further seduced them by showing off his party tricks of carving dildos from olive branches and making wine, he lounges about whilst Hermes makes a to-do list.
“Now, guests,” Dionysus says. “Only the most beautiful people will be allowed anywhere near me, okay? Because Dionysus doesn’t screw ugly people.”
Hermes nods in understanding - he’s a very tolerant God, most of the others roll their eyes at Dionysus’s arrogant statements. “But I’ve been away for a while so I’m not sure how to find the beautiful people,” Dionysus adds. “You got any ideas?”
Hermes pauses to think. “Well... Adonis is normally pretty good at this sort of thing.”
Dionysus sits up, suddenly interested. “Adonis? He’s the one that Aphrodite and Persephone fight over, isn’t he?”
Hermes nods and Dionysus smiles. “He must be something to have those two in a spin. Find him and tell him to assemble a crowd of hotties for my party,” Dionysus instructs.
Hermes clears his throat. “Okay. Just to, um, clarify... by ‘hotties’ do we mean Gods, Goddesses, mortals of either gender?”
“I don’t care who they are and what they do and whether they have a dick or not,” Dionysus tells him. “As long as they’re hot, I’ll have them.”
“Yes, sir,” Hermes nods again. “I’ll pass the message on.”
“Excellent,” Dionysus smiles. “We’re on our way.”
*
“Two more!” comes a shout from within the Pain Cave as Hermes approaches.
There’s some grunting and panting from inside. “Good job! One more, c’mon, finish strong!”
More grunting follows and then, “Nice work! You’re done, champ.”
Hermes enters the Pain Cave to find Adonis glistening with sweat and lying beside a giant rock, Heracles handing him a reviving drink.
“Hermes!” Adonis says happily when he sees the messenger God. “What are you doing here?”
Hermes smiles and gives Adonis a hug because Adonis is one of his favourites. Unlike the other Gods, who are complete dicks, Adonis is sort of like a really attractive puppy that doesn’t treat Hermes like shit.
“Dionysus is back,” Hermes explains and doesn’t miss the look that passes over Adonis’s face, “and he wants to throw a party but he needs your help.”
Adonis narrows his eyes. “Tell that asshole that I don’t want to help him.”
Hermes frowns. “He wants beautiful people at his party and well since you’re the God of beauty and all…”
Adonis crosses his arms against his chest like a stubborn mortal child. Hermes sighs and settles next to him on a large rock. “Look. I know you and Dionysus aren’t talking to each other anymore, but maybe if you go to the party and bring beautiful people you can fix that.”
For a long time Adonis doesn’t reply. Hermes understands his frustration and runs his fingers through the other God’s hair to offer some support. “Did he say he wanted me at the party?” Adonis asks quietly.
“He said he wanted you there,” Hermes lies. “He asked for you specifically.”
Adonis chews at his lip and finally says, “Fine, I’ll find some people.”
Hermes smiles and pats Adonis on the head. “The party’s tonight.”
*
Adonis is supposed to be finding beautiful people to bring to Dionysus’s party, but instead he goes to Persephone because she understands his woes.
“Mom,” he calls as he wanders through the fields of Attica. “Mom, I need your help.”
He waits a couple of minutes and then his mother steps up from between the trees. She’s beautiful, of course, with her blonde hair and blue eyes.
“Adonis,” she says happily and opens her arms for him. Her son comes to her and she hugs him tight, because as his mother she knows he’s upset about something.
“Dionysus is back,” he mumbles against the top of her head because he towers over her.
“Oh,” the Goddess replies. “Aren’t you happy?”
Adonis pulls away. “Dionysus is a dick.”
“Adonis,” Persephone scolds. “Don’t use that language.”
“Sorry,” the God of desire apologies. “But he is. And you know it.”
Persephone gives her son a stern look. “You don’t live on Olympus, so you won’t have to deal with him.”
“He invited me to a party,” Adonis explains.
Persephone frowns. She raised Adonis as if he was her own, and for a while she kept Dionysus with her as well to protect him from Hera’s wrath. She knows - because mothers sometimes just know these things¬ - that the two Gods are meant to be, but even she has to admit that Dionysus can be a little shit sometimes and a complete slut. Adonis has feelings for the wine God even though said God refuses to return them because he’s always surrounded by a harem of sluts.
“Maybe you should go,” Persephone advises. “Perhaps since he invited you he wishes to make amends.”
Adonis shakes his head. “He just wants me to find hot people for him to sleep with.”
The harvest Goddess takes her son’s face between her hands and says, “Why don’t you not bring attractive people?”
Adonis looks confused. “But that’s what he asked for.”
Persephone shakes her head. “My sweet summer child. Don’t bring attractive people to the party, that way you’re the only attractive one there.”
“But why would I -”
“Because despite the way he’s treated you I know you love him,” the woman says. Adonis’s eyes get wide and he tries to shake his head to deny it but his mother knows better. “If you’re the only beautiful one at the party then there’s no way Dionysus can deny you.”
“His sluts are gonna be there,” Adonis whines.
“Then show up looking better than them,” Persephone persuades. “You’re the God of beauty, Adonis.”
Adonis looks like he’s going to protest more, but his shoulders just sag. “If this doesn’t work I’m blaming you,” he mumbles.
Persephone just smiles and pats his cheek gently. “Just go get ready.”
*
Adonis manages to convince Heracles, Horme and Eusebeia to come with him to the party. None of them particularly like Dionysus and are mostly just in it for the free wine. Adonis dresses up in his best tunic with his favourite lime green sandals and takes a couple of shots of wine before he and his posse head out.
He rarely ever goes to Mount Olympus unless it’s to visit Aphrodite and sometimes his Mom when she isn’t in the Underworld or in her precious fields, and Adonis has forgotten how much it kind of really sucks. The Gods who live there are complete snobs and bitches who look down on Adonis, even though he’s like ten times better looking than they are.
Everyone’s mostly drunk by the time Adonis and his gang arrive. Aphrodite is there, looking as beautiful as ever, and she gives him a kiss before she has to hurry away to keep Eros from shooting anyone with his arrows. Hermes and Athena are in a corner being adorable together, while Apollo and Artemis are dancing around. Adonis spots Asclepius in a corner making out with Bia, which gives him some hope because that means at least one of the harem is out of the way.
Dionysus, the attention whore, is sitting in Zeus’s chair surrounded by his Sirens. Zeus and Hera are nowhere to be found, which is sort of a good thing because that means they can’t fuck anyone over, but Dionysus doesn’t look happy to see him.
“Where are the hotties?!” He drunkenly yells.
“I didn’t bring any,” Adonis explains. He tries to look cool by leaning against a pillar and flexes his muscles. Dionysus just glares.
“You were supposed to bring girls,” he whines. “Attractive girls. Not the lame ass bros you brought.”
“My friends aren’t lame!” Adonis yells. “They’re better than your whores.”
“Hey!” One of the Sirens yells, Adonis isn’t sure which one she’s supposed to be, but he ignores her.
Dionysus takes a long gulp of his wine and turns his back on Adonis to return to his throne. It doesn’t take long for the harem to assemble around him, and apparently Asclepius is done whoring it up with Bia, because he sits on Dionysus’s lap and nibbles his ear with his teeth.
Adonis steals a cup of wine from Apollo, who glares at him, and chugs all of it. He tries to make himself look hot by leaning against a couple of pillars to show off his muscles but Dionysus isn’t paying attention to him. Instead he’s getting head from a skanky siren, an ugly skanky siren, who Adonis sort of wants to kick in the face.
“What’s wrong?” Aphrodite asks, draping her arms over his shoulders.
“Dionysus is a dick,” Adonis says for the third time today. “He’s a dick and I hate him and I hope he chokes on a dick. A large dick that hurts.”
Aphrodite chuckles. She tries her best to keep him entertained for the rest of the night because she’s lovely like that, but Adonis feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart. He’s like, one of the most beautiful people here and he’s still not good enough for Dionysus. He knows he’s not super smart like Asclepius, but he has a better body than the Sirens. He’s the God of beauty for fuck’s sake.
“I’m going home,” he tells Aphrodite. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”
Aphrodite frowns and hugs him tight. “You’re too good for him.”
“Whatever,” Adonis replies before he wanders out of Olympus.
*
The next morning, Dionysus wakes up angry. “HERMES!” he bellows. “Get your ass over here!”
Hermes dutifully appears a moment later. “How may I assist, Dionysus?”
“Well you can start by doing as I tell you next time I ask you to do something,” Dionysus growls.
“Did I do something wrong?” Hermes asks, not sure where this anger is coming from, but suspecting that at least part of it is because Dionysus’s head is undoubtedly throbbing and nobody has touched his dick yet this morning. He snaps his fingers and two Sirens wake up. Following a directional gesture from Hermes, one starts rubbing Dionysus’s shoulders and the other begins to stroke his dick.
“Hmm, that’s a little better,” Dionysus mumbles, getting lost in the touch of the two nymphs momentarily. It’s a brief distraction though - he soon remembers why he called upon Hermes. “What did you tell Adonis when I sent you to him?”
“That you wanted him to bring hot people, like you asked,” Hermes reports, frantically gesturing to the Siren groping Dionysus’s dick and encouraging her to move on and give him a blow job. She does as Hermes suggests and Dionysus’s head falls backwards, mouth dropping open in a groan.
But again, he recovers himself, scowling down at the Siren sucking his dick. “Just, gimme a minute,” he insists, batting her away, but fondling her boob to let her know that he’s somewhat interested in her actions.
“Clearly, the message was misunderstood somehow,” Dionysus says, turning his attention back to Hermes. “Because he just brought a bunch of average to bad-looking dudes with him. I mean, Horme? What the actual fuck?!”
Hermes shrugs. “Maybe Adonis thought he’d be enough on the hotness front?”
Dionysus pouts. “You know I like to have options. Adonis wasn’t what I was in the mood for last night.”
Hermes rolls his eyes discreetly. “How was I supposed to know that?” he mutters.
“Excuse you?” Dionysus thunders.
Hermes clears his throat and blushes. “Would you like me to deliver a message to anyone this morning?”
“I want a hottie, dammit!” Dionysus insists. “Maybe a party isn’t the way to go. Perhaps I need to filter them a little more rigorously myself...”
“How about a contest?” Hermes suggests. “Have people come to you, and you assess them on the basis of their looks and their personality?”
“Their perso-what?” Dionysus is hella confused. “Maybe I should, like, interview them?”
Hermes rolls his eyes again. Given that Dionysus is actually one of the more intelligent Gods, that’s still not saying a lot. “What a brilliant idea!” he enthuses. He has learned during years of service that things are always better when the Gods think they’ve come up with something themselves.
“It is rather, isn’t it?” Dionysus says, so pleased with himself that he gets his dick out again and points it towards the Siren’s mouth.
“It’s brilliant. Can’t possibly fail,” Hermes nods. “So, how may I assist?”
Dionysus appears to consider this for a moment - or may just be getting lost in the Siren slurping at his engorged dick - before issuing Hermes with further instructions. “Spread the word about the contest, but only tell hot people,” he says. “And I’ll need some assistants for the judging panel. Again, nobody too attractive, the contestants need to be focused on me. Make sure the other judges aren’t too bossy either. I just want it to look like I’m asking other people what they think, rather than actually doing it. Understood?”
“Yes, Dionysus. Right away,” Hermes nods. He backs away quickly, leaving Dionysus to his whores and gets to work.
*
Hermes heads straight back to the Pain Cave, hoping to find Adonis. Unfortunately, Adonis hasn’t shown up for his usual workout yet, but the rest of his gang are there, if a little hungover.
“Morning all,” Hermes greets them with a smile. “Enjoy the party?”
“Too much,” Horme groans, looking distinctly green and out of his usual energetic character. “I can only move my head and my fingers.”
“That’s better than nothing,” Hermes points out. He likes to look on the bright side.
“What’s the news, Hermes?” Eusebeia asks.
“Well, now that I’m here, I’m kinda glad Adonis isn’t,” Hermes confides. “Let me run something by you...”
He settles down and explains to Adonis’s friends that Dionysus wants to hold a Best of Olympus contest, in order to find himself a more suitable mate than his usual skanks. Hermes informs the group that contestants will be assessed on personality as well as looks.
Eusebeia shakes her head. “It was all sounding great until you mentioned personality. I love Adonis like a brother and he’s a really nice guy... but he’s got the intellect of a broken spoon. How in Hades could this work?”
Hermes considers this, wincing. “But Adonis is like a puppy, right? He’s trainable?”
“How long do we have?” Heracles asks, getting his clipboard out and putting his serious face on. “This sounds like it could be time to turn it up to beast mode.”
Hermes nods. “Probably. The contest is this weekend.”
The three friends look nervous. “Like, we haven’t even seen him yet today,” Horme grimaces. “I think it’s bad this time.”
“But Adonis doesn’t give up,” Hermes protests. “It’s what he does, he’s a perfectionist. C’mon, I know he’s really into Dionysus, I think they’ve got a shot, Dionysus just needs to ignore his dick for five minutes.”
“Good luck,” Eusebeia mutters. “Fucking Sirens.”
“Well, I have a plan for them too,” Hermes smiles. “Dionysus has asked me to organise the judging panel too, so we can stack it with Adonis fans, have a few backups planted in the audience and fill the contestant roster with douchebags. I think we can do it! Are you in?”
The three friends exchange a glance before turning to Hermes and nodding. “We’re in,” Heracles confirms. “Time to go big or go home.”
“That’s the spirit!” Hermes enthuses. “I’ll leave you guys to get to work. I’ve got some douchebags to round up.”
*
Heracles rouses Adonis by reminding him that he has to be a God in the morning as well as at night, and together they come up with a new training regime to make Adonis even more buff. “You’ll be so famous one day,” Heracles promises. “You’ll set the standard, they’ll name body parts after you, man. You’re going to be my masterpiece.”
Adonis groans. “This sounds like it’ll be hard work.”
“Nah, it’s a piece of cake,” Heracles shrugs off Adonis’s concerns.
“What kind of cake are you eating?” Adonis asks as he eyes the latest boulder Heracles has brought in for him to train with.
Heracles ignores Adonis’s protestations and points him towards the cart containing Eusebeia and Horme, who are acting as cheerleaders, intellect coaches and ballast. Adonis spends an hour running laps with the chariot as he’s drilled by his friends on various facts.
“Do you think,” Adonis ponders later, collapsed panting on the ground, “I’m more attractive with longer hair?”
Eusebeia runs her fingers through Adonis’s cropped mane and contemplates the question. “I think this way shows off your fabulous bone structure,” she comments.
Horme chips in, “But dudes like the idea of something to hold onto. I bet Dionysus would like you... shaggy.”
Adonis nods. “You’re probably right, Horme. I’ll give the curls a comeback.” He lies still for a while, recovering his breath. “Who else is entering anyways?”
Heracles shrugs. “No idea, bud. But you’re with us, so you’re training harder than anyone right now. We’ll have you ready.”
“I bet a few prayers wouldn’t go amiss, though,” Horme suggests. “I mean, it’s not like that’s difficult to do, you can stretch to that, right?”
Adonis nods and reaches his hands out for his friends. Eusebeia quickly helps him to his knees and Adonis bows his head in prayer. “I am so glad Aphrodite likes me,” Adonis says. “But... do you think she’ll be mad if I ask her to help me get in with Dionysus?”
“Maybe you could compromise?” Horme offers. “I don’t know, tell her she can watch or something?”
Adonis looks at him as if he’s stupid. “She’s a Goddess, duh,” Adonis rolls his eyes. “She’s omnip... omnap... omnop... omnipativalent.”
“Omnipotent?” Eusebeia assists carefully.
“Uh,” Adonis scratches his head. “Is that the one where they see everything?”
Horme and Eusebeia nod. “Yeah, that,” Adonis finishes. “That’s what I said.” He bows his head again and concentrates on his prayer.
“Hey, Aphrodite, babe,” Adonis begins. “I’m like, super into Dionysus. But he’s not all that into me. So I was wondering if you could help me make that happen? I’ll take you out for sushi if you do. To the good place, not the shitty takeout one. My treat. And I know I’m normally all about the shooting for the moon and not minding about slipping up and shit, but in this case, like being a star sucks. I need that moon. So, uh, can you help a brother out?”
Aphrodite gazes down from Mount Olympus, hearing Adonis’s prayer. She raises an eyebrow at Eros, who’s sat next to her. “Does this usually work for him?” she asks Eros.
Eros and Adonis are tight, but even Eros slaps his forehead with his palm, shaking his head. “Man. Adonis seriously needs to get some better game. Sometimes, even my arrows can’t help a guy.”
Aphrodite winces. “I figured,” she sighs. “What shall we do?”
“Well, Hermes has asked me to be on the judging panel of this contest,” Eros informs her. “So if Big D gets off track, I can always steer him back in the right direction. But having you there as backup wouldn’t hurt. You busy this weekend?”
“Depends,” Aphrodite shrugs. “What’s in it for me?”
Eros pulls an arrow out of his holster and twirls it contemplatively. “Well, help me out and I’ll send this whichever way you please,” Eros offers.
Aphrodite pulls out her date book and flips through it casually. “Well... I guess I could leave washing my hair until Monday...”
“Atta girl,” Eros smiles with a wink. “I’ll make it worth your while.”
Aphrodite simpers and Eros starts to feel a little nauseous, like the time he ate a ton of bananas and followed it up with some of Heracles’s special elixir. He clears his throat and stands up.
“Uh, I think I’d better go and make sure the rest of the panel are on side too,” he clarifies. “I’ll see you later, Aphrodite.”
“You sure will,” Aphrodite smiles, glancing back down at Adonis, who’s still on his knees working hard.
Eros seeks out Nike first. “Hey Nike,” Eros waves. “You’re looking very... winning today.”
“Thanks Eros,” Nike smiles. “I heard you’re judging this contest too.”
“Yup,” Eros nods. “Best of Olympus. Sounds pretty serious.”
“Oh I’m glad you agree,” Nike replies. “I was worried that the other judges might not be so strict as I intend to be.”
“No, I’m with you on this,” Eros says. “I’m all about backing the winners. And you know who I think’s a winner? Adonis. He’s just... the best. He’s the hottest, but he’s also the hardest worker.”
Nike frowns. “But what about in terms of personality?”
“Well...” Eros tries to look like he’s considering this deeply. “Again, he tries really hard. And he’s loyal and funny... I think he’s just what Dionysus needs.”
“He still needs to show up on the day,” Nike reminds Eros. “But I do see your point. I’ll make sure to have an eye on him.”
“Great,” Eros beams. “You’re a hero, Nike.” He moves on quickly, seeking out Artemis next.
“Hey Artemis,” Eros greets the Goddess. “Nice puppies,” he says, gesturing to the newborn dogs at her feet.
“They’re cute, aren’t they?” she smiles. “How are you, Eros?”
“Just studying up on the contestants for this weekend,” Eros tells her, sitting down to pet her puppies. “I’m liking the look of Adonis.”
“Oh really?” Artemis remarks. “Why so?”
“Well,” Eros begins, “for one thing, did you hear that he’s a big fan of the moon?”
“Get out!” Artemis squeals. “I love the moon!”
“No way!” Eros says in mock shock. “Me too! Well, anyway, Adonis has said he’s all about accomplishing goals and working hard and how the moon is the ultimate for him.”
“Well that’s cute,” Artemis grins. “Tell me more.”
“Um... well he’s recently gotten into archery,” Eros tries, hoping he’s remembered Artemis’s myriad of responsibilities correctly.
“That’s my area too!” Artemis confirms. Eros gives himself a mental pat on the back. “He sounds perfect!”
“I’m so glad you agree!” Eros enthuses, quickly getting up to leave before she changes her mind. “So vote Adonis, jeah?”
“Jeah!” Artemis exclaims, cuddling her puppies and turning her attention back to them.
First task accomplished, Eros heads off across Olympus to work on part two of his plan: distracting two of the other contestants from the competition by ensuring that they fall for each other. He rushes off to seek out Asclepius and Bia for the next phase of his plot.
part one part two part three AO3
ryan lochte/michael phelps (matt grevers/nathan adrian)
nc17, 15215 words
collabs with also dedicated to aftereighteen. warnings for curse words, explicit sex, major and minor character death, and genderswap.
Cast list (NB - following Greek custom, many female roles are played here by men):
Dionysus (God of the grape harvest, wine and winemaking, plus ritual madness and ecstasy) - Michael Phelps
Adonis (God of beauty and desire) - Ryan Lochte
Aphrodite (Goddess of love, beauty, pleasure and procreation) - Cullen Jones
Eros (God of love) - Devon Lochte
Zeus (King of the gods, father of Dionysus) - himself
Hera (Queen of the gods, wife of Zeus) - Tyler Clary
Persephone (Queen of the Underworld, goddess of springtime, guardian of Adonis) - Ike Lochte
Semele (mother of Dionysus and a mere mortal) - Debbie Phelps
Hermes (God of transitions and boundaries, messenger for the gods) - Ricky Berens
Asclepius (God of medicine and healing) - Nathan Adrian
Heracles (divine hero, master of strength) - Matt De Lancey
Thalia (the muse of comedy) - Jeff Gross
Artemis (Goddess of the hunt, virginity, childbirth, archery, the moon and all animals) - Missy Franklin
Nike (Goddess of victory) - Conor Dwyer
Horme (personification of energy and effort) - Gene Gamble
Eusebeia (deity of loyalty) - Kyle Deery
Bia (personification of force) - Matt Grevers
Phobos (God of fear) - Aaron Piersol
Priapus (rustic fertility God; protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia) - Eric Shanteau
Sirens - group of noisy women, loosely representing certain GOAT-chasers
There was no such thing as a quiet day on Mount Olympus. What with it being home of the Gods - who were all married but fucking each other - and there usually being at least one mortal screwing up at any given moment, it was normally a lively place to be. But on the morning of Dionysus’s return, things got even more interesting than usual.
The Gods and Goddesses are awaking from their slumbers in varying degrees of post-inebriation pain and are informed of Dionysus’s arrival by Thalia, who most of them find irritating as fuck. Dionysus, however, enjoys Thalia’s company as she is, the other Gods will grudgingly admit, of high entertainment value.
Thalia skips excitedly through Olympus, tooting her bugle and giggling manically. “He’s back! He’s here! He’s coming! Party season starts now!”
Zeus is startled awake by the commotion and grunts, rubbing his eyes. He glances around, doing a quick head count and can’t figure out who’s missing. “Hera,” he smacks his wife who is sleeping beside him. “Who did we lose?”
She wakes up and scowls at her husband. “Nobody. You weren’t that drunk last night that you threw any lightning or ordered any killings. Go back to sleep, Mama’s got a headache,” she mutters.
At the mention of the word headache, Asclepius appears beside her presenting a smoking chalice. “Potion for your head, Hera?”
She nods, taking the chalice from him and downing the contents of it with a grimace. Asclepius disappears the moment the chalice is taken from him, knowing that Hera is as easily angered as she is pleased, and aware that staying out of her sight and out of trouble is a good move.
A moment later, a series of screaming and wailing starts and Hera becomes angrier. “Zeus, will you tell the Sirens to shut the fuck up?” she grumbles.
Zeus sits up a little on his throne and groans. “Shit,” he says by way of response. “I don’t think I can.”
“What? You’re Zeus, of course you can!”
He shakes his head. “This is your fault, look.” He points across Mount Olympus, indicating the screaming band of women approaching. As they get closer, it becomes obvious that they’re surrounding someone.
“Is that...?” Hera asks, aghast.
“It’s Dionysus!” Thalia helpfully supplies, skipping past again. “I told you he was back.”
“I thought you got rid of him, dearest?” Zeus asks mildly.
“So did I,” Hera growls. “Turns out he didn’t mean it when he said he wouldn’t be making a comeback.”
“Just... can you be nice? He’s my kid.”
“I’m aware of that,” Hera bites back. “Painfully so. Why you screwed a mortal when you can have a Goddess any time is anyone’s guess. Stupid bastard will only be here because he needs money.”
“Why would he need money?” Zeus asks. “He’s a God. He can do anything, he can even bring back the dead.”
“Half-God,” Hera corrects, before fully taking in what Zeus has said. “Hold up. Bring back the dead?! Only a few of us can do that, and you let HIM do that?!”
Zeus nods. “He’s my son, of course he can.”
“This is worse than I thought,” Hera groans. “Have him banished and wake me up when it’s over.”
Before Hera can go back to sleep, Dionysus and his tribe of Sirens are upon them. Dionysus greets Zeus casually. “Dad,” he nods. “Hi, not-my-Mom. Great to see you again,” he adds, sarcastically.”
Hera rolls her eyes. “Fuck off, mortal.”
“I’ve a good mind to show you just how much of a God I really am,” Dionysus counters. “But given that you’re not even good enough for my Dad to fuck you, I don’t think you’re good enough for me either.”
Hera snorts. “Anything with a pulse is good enough for you. Everyone knows you’re not picky. Just look at what you’ve brought with you,” she gestures to the Sirens. “Everyone knows those dirty nymphs are full of disease.”
“You might find you were happier if you got laid occasionally,” Dionysus retorts. “But you have to be nice to people before they’ll ask you to put out.”
“Enough!” Zeus thunders. “Why are you here, Dionysus?”
“Because I’m entitled to be,” Dionysus reminds him. “Being banished was boring, so I thought I’d come back for a bit, see what’s going on.”
“It was supposed to be boring, that’s the point,” Hera mutters.
Dionysus ignores her. “So anyway, just thought I’d drop by and say hi. I’ll be keeping myself busy, going to organise a party to celebrate my return, seeing as parties are my thing.”
“Right,” Zeus nods. “Well, just try not to incite any riots, hmm? I heard about the incident in Thebes and it didn’t please me.”
Dionysus laughed. “Ah it would’ve if you’d been there. You kinda had to see those women going nuts and tearing their own son and nephew apart to appreciate it.”
Zeus rolls his eyes. “My son’s a terrorist, who’d have thought?”
Dionysus ignores him, instead bellowing, “HERMES!”
The messenger god appears immediately. “You rang?” he asks.
Dionysus grins and slings an arm around his shoulders. “We’ve got a party to plan, come on.”
*
Later that day, when Dionysus has fucked a couple of Sirens, having further seduced them by showing off his party tricks of carving dildos from olive branches and making wine, he lounges about whilst Hermes makes a to-do list.
“Now, guests,” Dionysus says. “Only the most beautiful people will be allowed anywhere near me, okay? Because Dionysus doesn’t screw ugly people.”
Hermes nods in understanding - he’s a very tolerant God, most of the others roll their eyes at Dionysus’s arrogant statements. “But I’ve been away for a while so I’m not sure how to find the beautiful people,” Dionysus adds. “You got any ideas?”
Hermes pauses to think. “Well... Adonis is normally pretty good at this sort of thing.”
Dionysus sits up, suddenly interested. “Adonis? He’s the one that Aphrodite and Persephone fight over, isn’t he?”
Hermes nods and Dionysus smiles. “He must be something to have those two in a spin. Find him and tell him to assemble a crowd of hotties for my party,” Dionysus instructs.
Hermes clears his throat. “Okay. Just to, um, clarify... by ‘hotties’ do we mean Gods, Goddesses, mortals of either gender?”
“I don’t care who they are and what they do and whether they have a dick or not,” Dionysus tells him. “As long as they’re hot, I’ll have them.”
“Yes, sir,” Hermes nods again. “I’ll pass the message on.”
“Excellent,” Dionysus smiles. “We’re on our way.”
*
“Two more!” comes a shout from within the Pain Cave as Hermes approaches.
There’s some grunting and panting from inside. “Good job! One more, c’mon, finish strong!”
More grunting follows and then, “Nice work! You’re done, champ.”
Hermes enters the Pain Cave to find Adonis glistening with sweat and lying beside a giant rock, Heracles handing him a reviving drink.
“Hermes!” Adonis says happily when he sees the messenger God. “What are you doing here?”
Hermes smiles and gives Adonis a hug because Adonis is one of his favourites. Unlike the other Gods, who are complete dicks, Adonis is sort of like a really attractive puppy that doesn’t treat Hermes like shit.
“Dionysus is back,” Hermes explains and doesn’t miss the look that passes over Adonis’s face, “and he wants to throw a party but he needs your help.”
Adonis narrows his eyes. “Tell that asshole that I don’t want to help him.”
Hermes frowns. “He wants beautiful people at his party and well since you’re the God of beauty and all…”
Adonis crosses his arms against his chest like a stubborn mortal child. Hermes sighs and settles next to him on a large rock. “Look. I know you and Dionysus aren’t talking to each other anymore, but maybe if you go to the party and bring beautiful people you can fix that.”
For a long time Adonis doesn’t reply. Hermes understands his frustration and runs his fingers through the other God’s hair to offer some support. “Did he say he wanted me at the party?” Adonis asks quietly.
“He said he wanted you there,” Hermes lies. “He asked for you specifically.”
Adonis chews at his lip and finally says, “Fine, I’ll find some people.”
Hermes smiles and pats Adonis on the head. “The party’s tonight.”
*
Adonis is supposed to be finding beautiful people to bring to Dionysus’s party, but instead he goes to Persephone because she understands his woes.
“Mom,” he calls as he wanders through the fields of Attica. “Mom, I need your help.”
He waits a couple of minutes and then his mother steps up from between the trees. She’s beautiful, of course, with her blonde hair and blue eyes.
“Adonis,” she says happily and opens her arms for him. Her son comes to her and she hugs him tight, because as his mother she knows he’s upset about something.
“Dionysus is back,” he mumbles against the top of her head because he towers over her.
“Oh,” the Goddess replies. “Aren’t you happy?”
Adonis pulls away. “Dionysus is a dick.”
“Adonis,” Persephone scolds. “Don’t use that language.”
“Sorry,” the God of desire apologies. “But he is. And you know it.”
Persephone gives her son a stern look. “You don’t live on Olympus, so you won’t have to deal with him.”
“He invited me to a party,” Adonis explains.
Persephone frowns. She raised Adonis as if he was her own, and for a while she kept Dionysus with her as well to protect him from Hera’s wrath. She knows - because mothers sometimes just know these things¬ - that the two Gods are meant to be, but even she has to admit that Dionysus can be a little shit sometimes and a complete slut. Adonis has feelings for the wine God even though said God refuses to return them because he’s always surrounded by a harem of sluts.
“Maybe you should go,” Persephone advises. “Perhaps since he invited you he wishes to make amends.”
Adonis shakes his head. “He just wants me to find hot people for him to sleep with.”
The harvest Goddess takes her son’s face between her hands and says, “Why don’t you not bring attractive people?”
Adonis looks confused. “But that’s what he asked for.”
Persephone shakes her head. “My sweet summer child. Don’t bring attractive people to the party, that way you’re the only attractive one there.”
“But why would I -”
“Because despite the way he’s treated you I know you love him,” the woman says. Adonis’s eyes get wide and he tries to shake his head to deny it but his mother knows better. “If you’re the only beautiful one at the party then there’s no way Dionysus can deny you.”
“His sluts are gonna be there,” Adonis whines.
“Then show up looking better than them,” Persephone persuades. “You’re the God of beauty, Adonis.”
Adonis looks like he’s going to protest more, but his shoulders just sag. “If this doesn’t work I’m blaming you,” he mumbles.
Persephone just smiles and pats his cheek gently. “Just go get ready.”
*
Adonis manages to convince Heracles, Horme and Eusebeia to come with him to the party. None of them particularly like Dionysus and are mostly just in it for the free wine. Adonis dresses up in his best tunic with his favourite lime green sandals and takes a couple of shots of wine before he and his posse head out.
He rarely ever goes to Mount Olympus unless it’s to visit Aphrodite and sometimes his Mom when she isn’t in the Underworld or in her precious fields, and Adonis has forgotten how much it kind of really sucks. The Gods who live there are complete snobs and bitches who look down on Adonis, even though he’s like ten times better looking than they are.
Everyone’s mostly drunk by the time Adonis and his gang arrive. Aphrodite is there, looking as beautiful as ever, and she gives him a kiss before she has to hurry away to keep Eros from shooting anyone with his arrows. Hermes and Athena are in a corner being adorable together, while Apollo and Artemis are dancing around. Adonis spots Asclepius in a corner making out with Bia, which gives him some hope because that means at least one of the harem is out of the way.
Dionysus, the attention whore, is sitting in Zeus’s chair surrounded by his Sirens. Zeus and Hera are nowhere to be found, which is sort of a good thing because that means they can’t fuck anyone over, but Dionysus doesn’t look happy to see him.
“Where are the hotties?!” He drunkenly yells.
“I didn’t bring any,” Adonis explains. He tries to look cool by leaning against a pillar and flexes his muscles. Dionysus just glares.
“You were supposed to bring girls,” he whines. “Attractive girls. Not the lame ass bros you brought.”
“My friends aren’t lame!” Adonis yells. “They’re better than your whores.”
“Hey!” One of the Sirens yells, Adonis isn’t sure which one she’s supposed to be, but he ignores her.
Dionysus takes a long gulp of his wine and turns his back on Adonis to return to his throne. It doesn’t take long for the harem to assemble around him, and apparently Asclepius is done whoring it up with Bia, because he sits on Dionysus’s lap and nibbles his ear with his teeth.
Adonis steals a cup of wine from Apollo, who glares at him, and chugs all of it. He tries to make himself look hot by leaning against a couple of pillars to show off his muscles but Dionysus isn’t paying attention to him. Instead he’s getting head from a skanky siren, an ugly skanky siren, who Adonis sort of wants to kick in the face.
“What’s wrong?” Aphrodite asks, draping her arms over his shoulders.
“Dionysus is a dick,” Adonis says for the third time today. “He’s a dick and I hate him and I hope he chokes on a dick. A large dick that hurts.”
Aphrodite chuckles. She tries her best to keep him entertained for the rest of the night because she’s lovely like that, but Adonis feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart. He’s like, one of the most beautiful people here and he’s still not good enough for Dionysus. He knows he’s not super smart like Asclepius, but he has a better body than the Sirens. He’s the God of beauty for fuck’s sake.
“I’m going home,” he tells Aphrodite. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”
Aphrodite frowns and hugs him tight. “You’re too good for him.”
“Whatever,” Adonis replies before he wanders out of Olympus.
*
The next morning, Dionysus wakes up angry. “HERMES!” he bellows. “Get your ass over here!”
Hermes dutifully appears a moment later. “How may I assist, Dionysus?”
“Well you can start by doing as I tell you next time I ask you to do something,” Dionysus growls.
“Did I do something wrong?” Hermes asks, not sure where this anger is coming from, but suspecting that at least part of it is because Dionysus’s head is undoubtedly throbbing and nobody has touched his dick yet this morning. He snaps his fingers and two Sirens wake up. Following a directional gesture from Hermes, one starts rubbing Dionysus’s shoulders and the other begins to stroke his dick.
“Hmm, that’s a little better,” Dionysus mumbles, getting lost in the touch of the two nymphs momentarily. It’s a brief distraction though - he soon remembers why he called upon Hermes. “What did you tell Adonis when I sent you to him?”
“That you wanted him to bring hot people, like you asked,” Hermes reports, frantically gesturing to the Siren groping Dionysus’s dick and encouraging her to move on and give him a blow job. She does as Hermes suggests and Dionysus’s head falls backwards, mouth dropping open in a groan.
But again, he recovers himself, scowling down at the Siren sucking his dick. “Just, gimme a minute,” he insists, batting her away, but fondling her boob to let her know that he’s somewhat interested in her actions.
“Clearly, the message was misunderstood somehow,” Dionysus says, turning his attention back to Hermes. “Because he just brought a bunch of average to bad-looking dudes with him. I mean, Horme? What the actual fuck?!”
Hermes shrugs. “Maybe Adonis thought he’d be enough on the hotness front?”
Dionysus pouts. “You know I like to have options. Adonis wasn’t what I was in the mood for last night.”
Hermes rolls his eyes discreetly. “How was I supposed to know that?” he mutters.
“Excuse you?” Dionysus thunders.
Hermes clears his throat and blushes. “Would you like me to deliver a message to anyone this morning?”
“I want a hottie, dammit!” Dionysus insists. “Maybe a party isn’t the way to go. Perhaps I need to filter them a little more rigorously myself...”
“How about a contest?” Hermes suggests. “Have people come to you, and you assess them on the basis of their looks and their personality?”
“Their perso-what?” Dionysus is hella confused. “Maybe I should, like, interview them?”
Hermes rolls his eyes again. Given that Dionysus is actually one of the more intelligent Gods, that’s still not saying a lot. “What a brilliant idea!” he enthuses. He has learned during years of service that things are always better when the Gods think they’ve come up with something themselves.
“It is rather, isn’t it?” Dionysus says, so pleased with himself that he gets his dick out again and points it towards the Siren’s mouth.
“It’s brilliant. Can’t possibly fail,” Hermes nods. “So, how may I assist?”
Dionysus appears to consider this for a moment - or may just be getting lost in the Siren slurping at his engorged dick - before issuing Hermes with further instructions. “Spread the word about the contest, but only tell hot people,” he says. “And I’ll need some assistants for the judging panel. Again, nobody too attractive, the contestants need to be focused on me. Make sure the other judges aren’t too bossy either. I just want it to look like I’m asking other people what they think, rather than actually doing it. Understood?”
“Yes, Dionysus. Right away,” Hermes nods. He backs away quickly, leaving Dionysus to his whores and gets to work.
*
Hermes heads straight back to the Pain Cave, hoping to find Adonis. Unfortunately, Adonis hasn’t shown up for his usual workout yet, but the rest of his gang are there, if a little hungover.
“Morning all,” Hermes greets them with a smile. “Enjoy the party?”
“Too much,” Horme groans, looking distinctly green and out of his usual energetic character. “I can only move my head and my fingers.”
“That’s better than nothing,” Hermes points out. He likes to look on the bright side.
“What’s the news, Hermes?” Eusebeia asks.
“Well, now that I’m here, I’m kinda glad Adonis isn’t,” Hermes confides. “Let me run something by you...”
He settles down and explains to Adonis’s friends that Dionysus wants to hold a Best of Olympus contest, in order to find himself a more suitable mate than his usual skanks. Hermes informs the group that contestants will be assessed on personality as well as looks.
Eusebeia shakes her head. “It was all sounding great until you mentioned personality. I love Adonis like a brother and he’s a really nice guy... but he’s got the intellect of a broken spoon. How in Hades could this work?”
Hermes considers this, wincing. “But Adonis is like a puppy, right? He’s trainable?”
“How long do we have?” Heracles asks, getting his clipboard out and putting his serious face on. “This sounds like it could be time to turn it up to beast mode.”
Hermes nods. “Probably. The contest is this weekend.”
The three friends look nervous. “Like, we haven’t even seen him yet today,” Horme grimaces. “I think it’s bad this time.”
“But Adonis doesn’t give up,” Hermes protests. “It’s what he does, he’s a perfectionist. C’mon, I know he’s really into Dionysus, I think they’ve got a shot, Dionysus just needs to ignore his dick for five minutes.”
“Good luck,” Eusebeia mutters. “Fucking Sirens.”
“Well, I have a plan for them too,” Hermes smiles. “Dionysus has asked me to organise the judging panel too, so we can stack it with Adonis fans, have a few backups planted in the audience and fill the contestant roster with douchebags. I think we can do it! Are you in?”
The three friends exchange a glance before turning to Hermes and nodding. “We’re in,” Heracles confirms. “Time to go big or go home.”
“That’s the spirit!” Hermes enthuses. “I’ll leave you guys to get to work. I’ve got some douchebags to round up.”
*
Heracles rouses Adonis by reminding him that he has to be a God in the morning as well as at night, and together they come up with a new training regime to make Adonis even more buff. “You’ll be so famous one day,” Heracles promises. “You’ll set the standard, they’ll name body parts after you, man. You’re going to be my masterpiece.”
Adonis groans. “This sounds like it’ll be hard work.”
“Nah, it’s a piece of cake,” Heracles shrugs off Adonis’s concerns.
“What kind of cake are you eating?” Adonis asks as he eyes the latest boulder Heracles has brought in for him to train with.
Heracles ignores Adonis’s protestations and points him towards the cart containing Eusebeia and Horme, who are acting as cheerleaders, intellect coaches and ballast. Adonis spends an hour running laps with the chariot as he’s drilled by his friends on various facts.
“Do you think,” Adonis ponders later, collapsed panting on the ground, “I’m more attractive with longer hair?”
Eusebeia runs her fingers through Adonis’s cropped mane and contemplates the question. “I think this way shows off your fabulous bone structure,” she comments.
Horme chips in, “But dudes like the idea of something to hold onto. I bet Dionysus would like you... shaggy.”
Adonis nods. “You’re probably right, Horme. I’ll give the curls a comeback.” He lies still for a while, recovering his breath. “Who else is entering anyways?”
Heracles shrugs. “No idea, bud. But you’re with us, so you’re training harder than anyone right now. We’ll have you ready.”
“I bet a few prayers wouldn’t go amiss, though,” Horme suggests. “I mean, it’s not like that’s difficult to do, you can stretch to that, right?”
Adonis nods and reaches his hands out for his friends. Eusebeia quickly helps him to his knees and Adonis bows his head in prayer. “I am so glad Aphrodite likes me,” Adonis says. “But... do you think she’ll be mad if I ask her to help me get in with Dionysus?”
“Maybe you could compromise?” Horme offers. “I don’t know, tell her she can watch or something?”
Adonis looks at him as if he’s stupid. “She’s a Goddess, duh,” Adonis rolls his eyes. “She’s omnip... omnap... omnop... omnipativalent.”
“Omnipotent?” Eusebeia assists carefully.
“Uh,” Adonis scratches his head. “Is that the one where they see everything?”
Horme and Eusebeia nod. “Yeah, that,” Adonis finishes. “That’s what I said.” He bows his head again and concentrates on his prayer.
“Hey, Aphrodite, babe,” Adonis begins. “I’m like, super into Dionysus. But he’s not all that into me. So I was wondering if you could help me make that happen? I’ll take you out for sushi if you do. To the good place, not the shitty takeout one. My treat. And I know I’m normally all about the shooting for the moon and not minding about slipping up and shit, but in this case, like being a star sucks. I need that moon. So, uh, can you help a brother out?”
Aphrodite gazes down from Mount Olympus, hearing Adonis’s prayer. She raises an eyebrow at Eros, who’s sat next to her. “Does this usually work for him?” she asks Eros.
Eros and Adonis are tight, but even Eros slaps his forehead with his palm, shaking his head. “Man. Adonis seriously needs to get some better game. Sometimes, even my arrows can’t help a guy.”
Aphrodite winces. “I figured,” she sighs. “What shall we do?”
“Well, Hermes has asked me to be on the judging panel of this contest,” Eros informs her. “So if Big D gets off track, I can always steer him back in the right direction. But having you there as backup wouldn’t hurt. You busy this weekend?”
“Depends,” Aphrodite shrugs. “What’s in it for me?”
Eros pulls an arrow out of his holster and twirls it contemplatively. “Well, help me out and I’ll send this whichever way you please,” Eros offers.
Aphrodite pulls out her date book and flips through it casually. “Well... I guess I could leave washing my hair until Monday...”
“Atta girl,” Eros smiles with a wink. “I’ll make it worth your while.”
Aphrodite simpers and Eros starts to feel a little nauseous, like the time he ate a ton of bananas and followed it up with some of Heracles’s special elixir. He clears his throat and stands up.
“Uh, I think I’d better go and make sure the rest of the panel are on side too,” he clarifies. “I’ll see you later, Aphrodite.”
“You sure will,” Aphrodite smiles, glancing back down at Adonis, who’s still on his knees working hard.
Eros seeks out Nike first. “Hey Nike,” Eros waves. “You’re looking very... winning today.”
“Thanks Eros,” Nike smiles. “I heard you’re judging this contest too.”
“Yup,” Eros nods. “Best of Olympus. Sounds pretty serious.”
“Oh I’m glad you agree,” Nike replies. “I was worried that the other judges might not be so strict as I intend to be.”
“No, I’m with you on this,” Eros says. “I’m all about backing the winners. And you know who I think’s a winner? Adonis. He’s just... the best. He’s the hottest, but he’s also the hardest worker.”
Nike frowns. “But what about in terms of personality?”
“Well...” Eros tries to look like he’s considering this deeply. “Again, he tries really hard. And he’s loyal and funny... I think he’s just what Dionysus needs.”
“He still needs to show up on the day,” Nike reminds Eros. “But I do see your point. I’ll make sure to have an eye on him.”
“Great,” Eros beams. “You’re a hero, Nike.” He moves on quickly, seeking out Artemis next.
“Hey Artemis,” Eros greets the Goddess. “Nice puppies,” he says, gesturing to the newborn dogs at her feet.
“They’re cute, aren’t they?” she smiles. “How are you, Eros?”
“Just studying up on the contestants for this weekend,” Eros tells her, sitting down to pet her puppies. “I’m liking the look of Adonis.”
“Oh really?” Artemis remarks. “Why so?”
“Well,” Eros begins, “for one thing, did you hear that he’s a big fan of the moon?”
“Get out!” Artemis squeals. “I love the moon!”
“No way!” Eros says in mock shock. “Me too! Well, anyway, Adonis has said he’s all about accomplishing goals and working hard and how the moon is the ultimate for him.”
“Well that’s cute,” Artemis grins. “Tell me more.”
“Um... well he’s recently gotten into archery,” Eros tries, hoping he’s remembered Artemis’s myriad of responsibilities correctly.
“That’s my area too!” Artemis confirms. Eros gives himself a mental pat on the back. “He sounds perfect!”
“I’m so glad you agree!” Eros enthuses, quickly getting up to leave before she changes her mind. “So vote Adonis, jeah?”
“Jeah!” Artemis exclaims, cuddling her puppies and turning her attention back to them.
First task accomplished, Eros heads off across Olympus to work on part two of his plan: distracting two of the other contestants from the competition by ensuring that they fall for each other. He rushes off to seek out Asclepius and Bia for the next phase of his plot.
part one part two part three AO3