A New Moon, and a new low
It's a personal low for me. After hearing about how "that new twilight flick ain't half bad" I thought I may as well watch it. That, and everything else at the video store seemed to be out
What a load of twaddle. I confess I haven't seen the first one, so the first ten minutes consisted of "am I supposed to know this person" and "why are vampires at school" and such, but I don't really think it was crucial. Regardless, I'm not planning on watching the first one.
It appears to be a love story of sorts. While I do watch some programmes with vampires in them, to be completely honest, I've always been a bit uncomfortable with the whole "I'm in love with a teenager" thing. It's creepy. Sure, they may look young, but it's generally a 100+ year old dude trying to hook into a 17/18 year old gil. It's wrong. You can't tell me that being 100 years old doesn't change a person. It seems like preying on the innocence of the girl. And the girl always wants to be turned into a vampire. Which, I presume, is the subject of the third movie.
I admit I tend to dislike most male leads (the exceptions being: Fox Mulder, Jack O'Neill, John Sheppard, Homer Simpson), and I never warmed to Edward. Perhaps it was the aforementioned hint of pedophilia. So if were going to get into Team Ed or Team Jake, I'd put Bella with Jacob. Their relationship seemed a lot more normal, even if she was using him to get over Mr Ed. I don't know, it's hard to get into something which seems to be written for 13-16 year old girls. In real life, Bella probably would have slept with Jacob.
Onto the plot, if there was one. This seemed like a movie meant to be exposition for the third movie. I struggle to recall anything monumental that happened - they introduced werewolves, a love triangle, and a strong hint of what will happen in the next movie. My bet would be that that evil vampire either kills Bella, or critically injures her, meaning that she has to be turned. Of course they will pad that out into two hours, put in some angsty looks, a wedding, some tension with the werewolves, and the vampire overloads will be dethroned. Incidentally, Halling/Todd/CH just rocks in any role that he plays. The only part in the movie that made me wonder was when Ed's sister showed the head overlord the future with vampire Bella - was she tricking him, but it comes to pass, kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy, or did she actually see it?
The other thing that bugs me is that they kind of gloss over when Edward talks about a soul. So, he has a conscience, and can love people, but doesn't have a soul? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Even a mass murderer has a soul. It's an evil soul, but the fact that a person has emotions means that they have a soul. But whatever, it's tv.
In my mind, this is essentially the storyline for New Moon:
Bella: OMG, I so, like, totally love you.
Ed: Me too. You're young enough to be my great, great grandaughter, but I'm okay with that
Bella: You won't love me when I'm old. Turn me into a vampire. It'll mean I want to kill everyone and will end up in hell, but I'll look hot forever.
Ed: No
Bella: *pouts*
Ed's sister: Let's have a party to celebrate your birthday
Bella: I don't really want to, but okay
cuts herself and bleeds
Ed: Watch out Bella. My brother is going to eat you. I'll save you by throwing you into a wall, hopefully you don't end up with spinal injuries
Bella: OMG, I'm bleeding even more
Everyone: Yummy
Bell: Thanks for driving me home Ed. Now kiss me
Ed: OMG, I gonna make a sound like I just jizzed in my pants. But this is meant to be PG rated, so we won't comment on that *runs away*
Bella: Call me
Ed: Bella, we have to leave town, in case one of us accidentally eats you
Bella: Turn me into a vampire
Ed: No. Goodbye
Bella: This totally sucks. I'm going to sulk for a few months
Ed: I said I'd leave you, but I'm actually going to keep popping into your head, just so you don't get over me. And to warn you of danger, a bit like Lassie
Bella: I know, I'll buy a bike and get that guy who is totally crushing on me to fix it. He's so dreamy.
Jacob: I'll do it. Let's get naked
Bella: No. I'm just going to string you along for a bit
Jacob: Okay. Bella, something's happening to me. Hair is beginning to grow in new places, and I have a strong desire to hump your leg
Bella: Oh Jacob, you're so silly. Hug me, I want to put my hands on your butt and pretend its an act of friendship
Evil vampire lady: This movie is lacking some serious action. Maybe if I kill Bella it will end. Better not do it myself though, that'd give me too much satisfaction. I'll let someone else do it. Preferably someone with an inability to follow instructions.
Jacob: Oh crap, my spidey sense, Bella's in trouble, noooooo!!!!!
Bella: OMG Jacob, you're totally a werewolf. I just thought you liked to walk around without a shirt and were really good at jumping stuff.
Jacob: Oh Bella, you're so silly. Kiss me
Bella: Okay
Ed: I think Bella's about to get some action. I'd better stop that
Jacob: Nooooooo!!!!!
Ed's sister: Hey, Ed's gone all insane, we'd better leave so we can save him
Bella: Okay
Jacob: Bella, don't leave me
Bella: Go away transition guy
Ed: OMG Bella, you came for me.
Vampire overlords: This new girl is interesting. Let's eat her
Ed: Nooooooo!!!!
Bella: Wait, I'll become a vampire
Ed: Noooooo!!!!
Vampire overlords: Sounds like an awesome plan. Let's not act on it right now though, we'll just let you go and take your word that you'll act on it.
Ed/Ed's sister/Bella: Sweet. Laters
Jacob: You really hurt me Bella, why do you wanna be with this pasty freak
Bella: I love you, but he can give me something you can't
Jacob: Rigormortis?
Bella: Oh Jacob, you silly, silly time filler. Run away now
Jacob: No, I want to kill your boyfriend
Bella: That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me
Ed: Bella, I still don't want you to be a vampire
Bella: It's all good Ed. I want you to be the one to turn me.
Ed: Don't you think we should have sex first?
Bella: Did you learn nothing from Jacob? I'm a hold out
Ed: Fine, you priss. Marry me, then we can do it
Bella: Wait 18 months and I'll give you an answer
Ed: Okay, we'll just stand here until then