On Boundaries
The Laws of Boundaron
Lord of Boundaries
or
Boundary Bob's Guide to
Getting the Fuck Off His Lawn
I. You cannot control other people's actions.
A. When you change your own actions, others are likely to change theirs. But you don't get to choose how they change their actions.
B. If you know someone well, you may be good at guessing what they'll choose in different circumstances, and you can choose to act in ways you hope will shape the circumstances so they're more likely to choose what you want. That's what manipulation is. But your ability to do this is limited by your knowledge of them, and they will still be the ones choosing to do the thing or not, not you.
C. The simplest and most respectful way of getting someone to change their actions is to ask them directly.
D. Despite all of the above: it is a boundary-violation to try to force people to change their actions, especially by physically forcing them to take actions, physically harming them, or threatening them with harm if they don't.
II. You cannot control other people's emotions.
A. Your actions are likely to affect other people's emotions, but you can't predict exactly how.
B. In part, because, while you can make good guesses, you never know as much about how someone else is feeling as they do.
1. Similarly, you cannot assume that other people will know what you feel/want/need unless you tell them directly.
C. Again, the simplest and most respectful way of finding out how someone else feels and what they want is to ask them directly.
D. Despite all of the above, it is a boundary-violation to deliberately try to cause people to feel painful emotions.
1. It may also be a boundary-violation to deliberately try to cause people to feel pleasurable emotions if they do not want to feel those things at that time.
III. Consent is necessary.
A. To have good boundaries, you must have the complete consent of everyone involved in whatever you do with other people.
1. The best way to find out whether someone consents to something is to ask them directly.
2. The best way to consent to something someone asks is to say so directly.
3. Generally, social norms can stand in for consent (e.g., you do not need to directly ask everyone at the bank whether they consent to stand in line with you).
4. Social norms do NOT stand in for consent if they are oppressive to a group who have voiced objections to them but not yet been able to change them (e.g., cat-calling women on the street is not consensual even if it is socially accepted, because many women don't want it; if you want to cat-call someone, you need to get their free and complete consent beforehand).
B. Consent under duress does not count as consent.
1. Duress does not need to be a physical threat; it can also be emotional, financial, social, etc.
2. Letting someone know what you want/need is not duress.
3. Letting someone know what your plans are to get what you want/need is not duress.
4. 2 and 3 become duress if your purpose in making the statement is to frighten someone or hurt them enough to influence their actions.
C. Only informed consent is consent.
1. Tricking someone into giving consent by withholding, disguising, or twisting information about the consented-upon action is not getting informed consent.
2. People who are too young, too drunk or otherwise incapacitated, too asleep or otherwise unconscious, or whose perception of reality is otherwise too different from yours to be able to clearly understand what you're talking about are not capable of giving informed consent.
3. If a person or animal in your care is not capable of giving informed consent to things you need to do for their health, safety, or comfort, it is an acceptable violation to force them to do the thing. BUT, since it is a violation of their boundaries, a person with good boundaries will try as hard as possible to make these decisions taking into account the dependent person/animal's feelings, wants, and needs.
D. Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
1. Once consent is withdrawn, any continuation of the act is a violation.
2. Pre-consented actions taken before consent is withdrawn are not violations of boundaries. That doesn't mean that they're necessarily good things that everyone involved will feel good about, but they're not violations. (See above, re: C)
E. You need someone's consent before activities involving their property or people/animals for whom they are responsible, not just activities involving them personally.
IV. Respect people's privacy.
A. Having good boundaries means not revealing information about other people that they would not want revealed, or that you don't know whether they would want to have revealed.
B. Having good boundaries means not trying to gain information about people that they have not either told you or revealed publicly.
1. This particularly includes trying to see/touch people's bodies without their consent.
C. Having good boundaries means not entering people's private spaces without their consent.
1. This includes things like their homes, their computers, their email accounts, their handbags, their pockets, etc.
D. It can be an acceptable violation to violate someone's privacy to protect health and safety, but it is a boundary violation.
V. Protect your own boundaries.
A. Having good boundaries includes preventing other people from violating them when possible.
B. It is wise to use the minimum force necessary to protect your boundaries, but not less than is necessary. It is acceptable to err on the side of more force to be certain of protecting your boundaries.
1. The things protected within your boundaries include your physical health and safety, your feelings, and your needs and wants.
2. Other people's health, safety, and feelings are not actually included inside your boundaries. (Although your own emotions about their health, safety, and feelings are.) You cannot protect someone else's boundaries for them.
a. It is perfectly good boundaries to give someone help protecting their boundaries if they ask for it.
b. It is reasonable to protect the boundaries of a person/animal in your care; though again, this is a violation, so you should take into account their feelings, wants, and needs when you do so.
C. A violation is a violation whether or not you are able to prevent it.
D. Preemptively violating someone else's boundaries to prevent them violating yours in the future is still a violation, though it may be an acceptable one, given the circumstances.
Lord of Boundaries
or
Boundary Bob's Guide to
Getting the Fuck Off His Lawn
I. You cannot control other people's actions.
A. When you change your own actions, others are likely to change theirs. But you don't get to choose how they change their actions.
B. If you know someone well, you may be good at guessing what they'll choose in different circumstances, and you can choose to act in ways you hope will shape the circumstances so they're more likely to choose what you want. That's what manipulation is. But your ability to do this is limited by your knowledge of them, and they will still be the ones choosing to do the thing or not, not you.
C. The simplest and most respectful way of getting someone to change their actions is to ask them directly.
D. Despite all of the above: it is a boundary-violation to try to force people to change their actions, especially by physically forcing them to take actions, physically harming them, or threatening them with harm if they don't.
II. You cannot control other people's emotions.
A. Your actions are likely to affect other people's emotions, but you can't predict exactly how.
B. In part, because, while you can make good guesses, you never know as much about how someone else is feeling as they do.
1. Similarly, you cannot assume that other people will know what you feel/want/need unless you tell them directly.
C. Again, the simplest and most respectful way of finding out how someone else feels and what they want is to ask them directly.
D. Despite all of the above, it is a boundary-violation to deliberately try to cause people to feel painful emotions.
1. It may also be a boundary-violation to deliberately try to cause people to feel pleasurable emotions if they do not want to feel those things at that time.
III. Consent is necessary.
A. To have good boundaries, you must have the complete consent of everyone involved in whatever you do with other people.
1. The best way to find out whether someone consents to something is to ask them directly.
2. The best way to consent to something someone asks is to say so directly.
3. Generally, social norms can stand in for consent (e.g., you do not need to directly ask everyone at the bank whether they consent to stand in line with you).
4. Social norms do NOT stand in for consent if they are oppressive to a group who have voiced objections to them but not yet been able to change them (e.g., cat-calling women on the street is not consensual even if it is socially accepted, because many women don't want it; if you want to cat-call someone, you need to get their free and complete consent beforehand).
B. Consent under duress does not count as consent.
1. Duress does not need to be a physical threat; it can also be emotional, financial, social, etc.
2. Letting someone know what you want/need is not duress.
3. Letting someone know what your plans are to get what you want/need is not duress.
4. 2 and 3 become duress if your purpose in making the statement is to frighten someone or hurt them enough to influence their actions.
C. Only informed consent is consent.
1. Tricking someone into giving consent by withholding, disguising, or twisting information about the consented-upon action is not getting informed consent.
2. People who are too young, too drunk or otherwise incapacitated, too asleep or otherwise unconscious, or whose perception of reality is otherwise too different from yours to be able to clearly understand what you're talking about are not capable of giving informed consent.
3. If a person or animal in your care is not capable of giving informed consent to things you need to do for their health, safety, or comfort, it is an acceptable violation to force them to do the thing. BUT, since it is a violation of their boundaries, a person with good boundaries will try as hard as possible to make these decisions taking into account the dependent person/animal's feelings, wants, and needs.
D. Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
1. Once consent is withdrawn, any continuation of the act is a violation.
2. Pre-consented actions taken before consent is withdrawn are not violations of boundaries. That doesn't mean that they're necessarily good things that everyone involved will feel good about, but they're not violations. (See above, re: C)
E. You need someone's consent before activities involving their property or people/animals for whom they are responsible, not just activities involving them personally.
IV. Respect people's privacy.
A. Having good boundaries means not revealing information about other people that they would not want revealed, or that you don't know whether they would want to have revealed.
B. Having good boundaries means not trying to gain information about people that they have not either told you or revealed publicly.
1. This particularly includes trying to see/touch people's bodies without their consent.
C. Having good boundaries means not entering people's private spaces without their consent.
1. This includes things like their homes, their computers, their email accounts, their handbags, their pockets, etc.
D. It can be an acceptable violation to violate someone's privacy to protect health and safety, but it is a boundary violation.
V. Protect your own boundaries.
A. Having good boundaries includes preventing other people from violating them when possible.
B. It is wise to use the minimum force necessary to protect your boundaries, but not less than is necessary. It is acceptable to err on the side of more force to be certain of protecting your boundaries.
1. The things protected within your boundaries include your physical health and safety, your feelings, and your needs and wants.
2. Other people's health, safety, and feelings are not actually included inside your boundaries. (Although your own emotions about their health, safety, and feelings are.) You cannot protect someone else's boundaries for them.
a. It is perfectly good boundaries to give someone help protecting their boundaries if they ask for it.
b. It is reasonable to protect the boundaries of a person/animal in your care; though again, this is a violation, so you should take into account their feelings, wants, and needs when you do so.
C. A violation is a violation whether or not you are able to prevent it.
D. Preemptively violating someone else's boundaries to prevent them violating yours in the future is still a violation, though it may be an acceptable one, given the circumstances.