(no subject)
(un)addiction
junhyung/gikwang. pg13.
junhyung thinks that maybe it's okay to replace one addiction with another.
(UN)ADDICTION
you can't push forever; sometimes you gotta pull
i
junhyung prefers popping and locking compared to the choreographies they have been doing recently. the precise and calculated art of bending his body to his will. it soothes him in a way; the ability to control. always about control and junhyung pops, locks to beats bouncing inside the studio, missing the easy comfort it offers. he studies his movement on the mirrored wall, so engrossed with tiny details that he misses the sound of door clicking open.
it isn't until the song spins to an end that junhyung turns, to find gikwang leaning against the doorframe. smiling a quiet, private smile that makes junhyung self-conscious. he grabs a water bottle, pops off the cap and frowns.
his watch read 1.27am. "you should be sleeping. it's late."
"do you miss it?"
junhyung stares, shadows playing tricks because for a second, gikwang looks different. subdued and thoughtful. "what?"
"dancing." gikwang steps away from the door, feet sweeping over yellow spill of light from the slit underneath the door. "dancing like that."
it's a question he can answer in split second. but junhyung shakes his head, his smile thin and dry. "it's not our style."
"but it's your style," gikwang says. junhyung thinks it's unfair how gikwang doesn't shy away from truths. "poppin' dragon."
junhyung swallows the lump in his throat and gikwang laughs by himself, at a joke junhyung doesn't get. gikwang trails off in seconds and his eyes are warm when he looks at junhyung. when he offers a hand.
"let's go to bed."
junhyung doesn't feel guilty when he brushes past gikwang, hands full with everything but gikwang's invitation.
ii
their kitchen is clean for once, probably because yoseob's mother came to visit earlier. junhyung glances at plastic containers of home-made food, the smear of oil in fingerprints over their lids and he smiles as he stirs some sugar into the coffee. footsteps echo over the silence and junhyung sees dongwoon rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"good morning."
"morning," dongwoon mutters and heads for the sink. in seconds, he's looking at junhyung through drops of water clinging to his eyelashes. "you're up early, hyung."
junhyung takes a sip, grimaces at heat searing his tongue. "yeah. couldn't really sleep."
"you came in late last night." dongwoon picks a container and peels off its lid. "doojoon-hyung asked me and i didn't know where you were but gikwang-hyung said that he'd find you. wait. did you see gikwang-hyung? he's kinda weird lately. more space-case than usual. did you notice, hyung?"
junhyung sighs, hands his coffee over to dongwoon and walks off towards their shared bedroom.
iii
junhyung's hand is already on the door when he realises that he knows the song resounding behind it.
you wanna d-d-d-d-dance get your dancing shoes.
he sits against the door, closes his eyes. and breathes. quietly.
iv
"smoking is bad for your health."
faint trace of tobacco lingers over his lips, smoke staining junhyung's vision grey. he flicks half-finished cigarette over the ledge and watches as it stumbles through the air, red tip burning. four storey down, all the way.
junhyung feels a lot like stumbling nowadays.
"yeah? we're all dying anyway." his elbows scratch rough concrete, collects tiny rips on designer sweater. "say. i can jump off the building, right? and it wouldn't fucking matter if i had a fag before that."
gikwang shrugs. "i'll catch you."
"what are you talking about?"
"i'll catch you before you fall, hyung," gikwang says as if it's the easiest thing in the world. his smile almost makes junhyung believe. "but you should stop smoking. your voice-"
junhyung inhales deeply. "fuck you, gikwang."
wouldn't make a difference, junhyung thinks. you can't catch someone who already fell.
v
doojoon looks up from the floor when junhyung storms in, legs bent over a pile of laundry. his fingers flutter over a magazine spread of colourful plastic smiles. "hey. i'll-uh-finish folding these in a bit, yeah?"
"whatever." junhyung stops long enough only to say, "just get your stinking feet off them."
doojoon raises an eyebrow and concern colours his eyes when he shifts to sit, feet still planted firm in the folds of a shirt. "you okay, junhyung?"
"yes." there's no heat in his word. junhyung realises his hands are shaking when he pours water into a glass. tired. he's just tired. "i'm just tired."
"we're all tired," doojoon says, half-grumbles. "you look like shit. get some rest."
junhyung frowns. he doesn't say no. "fold the laundry."
"yeah, yeah."
vi
their beds are separated by edges of mattresses, almost nonexistent but they have always known their boundaries. it's an unspoken rule, broken only when yoseob has nightmares or when hyunseung cries over harsh words and what-could-have-beens. when junhyung finds gikwang curled on his side of the room, hair sticking out underneath thick blankets, he hesitates.
"are you sleeping," junhyung finally whispers. when he doesn't get an answer, he inches closer. until he's at the head of the bed and his knuckles are white over steel frame. "hey. gikwang. are you sleeping?"
gikwang stirs, tiny movements rippling over the blankets. junhyung is surprised when arms curl around his shoulder and gikwang is staring, smiling at him with half-lidded eyes.
"you're home."
his body is in an awkward angle, spine bent forward in a half-bow. junhyung doesn't move. "yes."
gikwang's smile slips and slides, in a daze. he tugs at junhyung's neck. "come on. you look cold."
junhyung considers turning around, running away. without ever looking back because this is gikwang. things don't work this way. they won't work no matter how much he entertains the maybes. another tug, that smile hopeful and junhyung doesn't think, tired of thinking. he stays. shrugs off his coat and slides right next to gikwang.
it's warm. hands over his own, gikwang's face tucked into the juncture between his neck and shoulder. he can almost feel the imprint of gikwang's smile on his skin.
junhyung exhales. empty lungs and too-full heart.
vii
"here."
gikwang blinks at the crumpled box tossed onto his sandwich. he picks it up, rubs a thumb over bold prints. "your cigarettes?"
"i'll stop." junhyung scowls when gikwang nods slowly, lips twitching and he drops onto a chair, arms crossed. "you're gonna have to be responsible if i get withdrawals or something."
gikwang's smile says more than words ever will and junhyung thinks that maybe it's okay to replace one addiction with another.
he just needs to figure out which one is worse.
END