That smoke in the mirror [Uruki - 5/?]
Title: That smoke in the mirror
Chapters: 5/?
Genre: Angst, drama, romance
Warnings: Swearing
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the story.
Rating: PG-13 (May change later on)
Band: the GazettE
Pairings: UruhaxRuki
Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4
Synopsis: Kouyou's having inner persona conflict, all because of one man, and it's starting to take toll.
Author's note: I feel like I spent too long writing this chapter, but it's finally done. In my mind it feels a little plain and lacking 'action', but the next one will have more going on. Promise.
<< previous chapter
One of the times I’m most peaceful before a concert is when I’m able to walk freely about the concert hall, even in a small venue, my guitar sometimes hanging from its strap around my shoulders, whilst I meander through rows and columns of seats and around the stage. I gaze down from the stage and upper levels of the hall and gaze up from the bottom level’s seats, just merely pondering.
It is during these peaceful times that I am able to wear a jacket over a coffee-stained vest yet still have my hair and makeup styled. It is during these peaceful times that I become a mix of Kouyou and Uruha- or somewhere in-between. It is during these peaceful times that there are no negative thoughts whatsoever; only calm wonderings as I let the pre-concert buzz of excitement and nerves slowly fill the air and wash over me in the build up to the evening’s event.
It is a peaceful time like now, where I am doing that exact thing- currently with arms outstretched behind me, rested against the back of a chair, watching idly as the stage lighting is fiddled with by various staff members. My mind is somehow at rest, albeit somewhat void of any thoughts, but I do not question it- I simply smile to myself, pleased at the freedom away from the usual onslaught of worries and fears that much too often fill my head.
Suddenly, my eyes are caught by Ruki as he walks in from an entrance on the opposite side of the hall with a concentrated look on his face. He walks slowly and as he gets closer I am able to watch the direction of his eyes as he scans the hall and I begin to wonder what goes on behind them. He stops abruptly in front of the stage, facing it as the lights above are continuously twiddled with, casting odd shadows across his face as lights elsewhere are dimmed to darkness. The shadows on his face are mysterious, but I manage to catch his expression change, his lips curling into a smirk of contentment. What is he thinking?
It’s a thought that’s filled my head often lately. I wondered if before he said goodbye the night I became aware of the smoke and he seemed almost too concerned about my well-being. I wondered it that morning the sky filled with colours that made his eyes glow with admiration through those thick-rimmed glasses of his. I wonder it whenever I catch him alone, sometimes when he’s smoking those damn cigarettes, eyes always glazed over with a look of deep thought- just like now.
The possibilities as to what he is thinking tend to overspill in my mind: perhaps he’s thinking about the tour… lyrics… a loved one… - but whatever contains such thoughts tends to fall over and cause them to run out into a mess on the floor as I doubt them. Even though I consider him a good friend- at least on my part, that is- I don’t really know him at all. I can watch his actions and listen to his words all I want, but it doesn’t mean I know what makes him tick. It doesn’t mean I know the reasoning behind his comfort in being himself. I blink, partially surfacing back to reality. Maybe I never knew him.
Despite all of this, somehow, watching him now, I just feel admiration for him. Admiration for his words; his hard work; the beauty he can see in things on a cold day. I merely watch as that glazed look returns to his eyes. Maybe… just maybe… he’s like me.
+
Another day, another hotel, another night spent sleeping too little and reflecting too much. Anyone I know could tell you I’m an over thinker from the amount of silences I seem to hold around others.
Tonight it isn’t the stress of everything getting to me, nor have I been tossing and turning recklessly under the covers quite like most other nights. In this bedroom, there is a wide mirrored wardrobe that faces the bed and tonight it has been keeping me awake.
With only a small lamp lit and the full, pure moon glowing brightly through the open window, I’ve become fascinated with watching the reflection of my half-lit body as I sit at the end of the bed, my fingers flicking lazily at the pages of the unused book in my lap. I’m not fascinated out of vanity- it’ over the way the light leaves odd dark shadows, contours and shapes on my unlit side, making the features difficult to work out in these late hours of the night. My other side, however, is bright and my pale skin is enhanced against the large, dark shirt of my nightwear.
Whilst half of me is visible and the rest isn’t, I seem incomplete and perhaps even lost. My hidden side’s shapes show my confusion within myself and what is visible is almost... stark and boring. Too black and white.
I return the book in my lap to the dresser, switching it with my phone and quickly navigating to my messages on the screen. Despite being with him a lot of the time anyway, due to band work, Ruki has been messaging me a lot more since that morning I faced bitterly cold winds and he managed to see through to some colour, his presence warming me as I’d watched him, wondering of his thoughts yet still being in total awe of his personality. The thought of a recent happy memory makes me smile as I blindly scan through a message from Aoi about visiting his girlfriend outside of Tokyo sometime soon.
The messages from Ruki have just been random things, mostly- most of which are jokes that have run on for weeks- with one of them once causing me to burst out laughing on silent, busy train. It attracted a lot of stares and angry glares, no doubt, but I’ll find a way to get him back. Tonight there is an air of seriousness in the thought of messaging him, realising the recollected closeness we have gathered so far, from laughing over Kai’s occasional clumsiness and drinking coffee together to… to what? I swallow nervously at my questioning thoughts, biting lightly at my bottom lip. I wonder if he’s awake.
My fingers hover nervously over the keys to message him as I doubt the thought too much, worrying that messaging him would wake him up and irritate him- and that’s the last thing I wish to do. But then again… we’re both something of insomniacs. I don’t even glance at the clock to check the time and begin tapping in words, staring numbly at the rather ridiculous question and contemplating it in my mind. It’s a stupid question… but what else could I say? I nod to myself, pressing the final button and holding my breath until the familiar pop-up appears, confirming that it’s been sent.
Hey, Ru. Are you awake?
To distract myself from beginning to regret sending the message, my eyes wander back to the mirror ahead of me. I notice I’m still biting at my bruised lip, tapping one foot against the floor as if impatiently nervous of a reply. I return to the thoughts the mirror originally gave me, with what is hidden and what is visible. The things I show to others are the visible part, not only forced smiles and fake laughter, but the odd rare trait or habit that I am comfortable with revealing to others. The darkness is what I’m not comfortable showing of myself to others- something a lot more than a privacy issue. Suddenly, I’m snapped out of my thoughts when there’s a buzz on my lap.
Yeah, I’m awake. Is something up?
Already, there’s a sign of concern. Already, he’s picked up on things now and before no one else has noticed because it’s something I try to hide- my insecurities that worry me to no end. My eyes flick up to the mirror. I guess it’s slightly different with Ruki. I’m just thankful that the thoughts of this night are less negative than others. After some more thinking, I tap in a reply.
It’s nothing bad. I’ve just been thinking a lot.
I suppose my habit of being more honest with Ruki- or more like Kouyou, in this case- has played some part in his ability to notice hidden things. Not long after sending the message, there’s another buzz and I flip open the bright screen of the once again.
I know it’s late, but do you want to come over? We could talk.
Ruki’s friendliness has been ever so prominent lately; always offering to do things or have a chat, even when things or busy or he has a lot of work piled up for him. It almost doesn’t seem like him, having known him as a ‘workaholic’ for so long, to just cut up parts of his working hours to do things with me. I hum to myself, considering his offer for a moment, realising that tonight he’s sharing a room with Aoi. As nice a friend as Aoi is, this is different- not something much like ‘Uruha’ to talk about in front of him.
You’re sharing a room with Aoi, right? I don’t know if I could about it with him there…
I consider myself fortunate to get a room on my own most of the time, where I can be myself without having to face whoever shares the room with me. The thought of that alone almost makes me shake, racking me with anxiety. On the other hand, it can be dangerous for me to be left alone with my own thoughts, digging myself a hole which can take days to climb out of. It’s what happens when there’s no real balance between being Kouyou and being Uruha.
Then I’m coming over.
It’s a statement of certainty that almost makes me nervous, like a sudden announcement with words that haven’t quite sunken in yet. It’ll take less than five minutes for him to arrive, at the most, as his room is round the corner and he seems eager to be prompt. I suppose I could do with some company, I say to myself, attempting to loosen the knot that has risen in my stomach, as it often does before I see Ruki.
I glance down at myself, suddenly, as if my eyes haven’t been fixed on a mirror for the past few hours and I’ve forgotten my appearance. Boxers and an oversized t-shirt- hardly formal. For a moment I wonder if being dressed like this would be awkward, but a knock at the door reminds me- Ruki probably doesn’t give a fuck. I wonder why I even doubt myself sometimes.
I look down at the smaller man as I open the door. For a moment, Ruki looks at me with slightly startled eyes as if surprised to see me and, being unsure of what to do, I smile at him. “Good evening.”
“Oh, yeah, hi, Uru. Sorry, I zoned out for a second.” He smiles back, his far-off gaze finally broken.
I chuckle. “Couldn’t sleep either?”
He nods, slowly stepping inside, becoming shadowed by the dim light of the room. For a moment, he’s staring at something unknown in the dark and the lingering question of what he’s thinking hangs in my mind for a second.
He swivels round, suddenly, his previous distant expression drawing into something of irritation. He sighs, scowling lightly. “Aoi’s been a little... annoyed with me, lately. It’s harder to sleep when he’s like that with me. I don’t know.”
I close the door behind me and find my way to the bed, bouncing lightly as I sit on it, as if the bed is the sole reason for my lack of sleep. “What’s he pissed at you for?” I ask, intrigued, as he sits beside me. He pulls his legs up so that he’s sat, cross-legged.
“I don’t really know. It’s sort of complicated. Either way, I’m sure it’ll pass; you know how Aoi can be.” He sighs again. “Why can’t you sleep?” He seems intent on listening to me, tapping his fingers against his knees lightly, showing some level of curiosity and wonder. Almost instantly at the question, my eyes are drawn to the mirrored wardrobe to the side of us. The light is against our backs, casting dark shadows of our figures over the bed and overspill into the floor in odd, stretched shapes.
It seems he’s followed my gaze. “The mirror?” I nod in response. He shuffles round to face it, watching the light across his body in the reflection. “What about it?” He questions, tilting his head to one side, as if it’s a better angle or view of his face. It’s something about this and his odd nature that makes me smile naturally at the sight. “Well… what do you see?” I ask, pure curiosity driving me.
Ruki turns some more, so that his legs hang off the edge, just as I had been before he arrived. There is a difference, however, in that he is probably thinking something completely different to me in regards to the light and the shadows. He still hasn’t questioned me at all, as I would’ve expected to.
He then starts explaining. “It’s about expression,” He begins. “For me, it’s about expression and ideas- how they link… and how they become. Sometimes, something will hit me, out of the blue. It could be that I notice a man outside in the rain, walking without an umbrella and getting soaked in the evening, or that I’m watching children swinging on swings. An idea, right then, could hit me, stemming out from the emotions the event creates within me. For a moment, it hangs there, still, not yet fully formed; not yet complete amongst a frozen sea of other ideas. It’s not until things click and I am sure that I should grasp it and take it forward so I can express it. That’s what the darkness is- the frozen sea of ideas that you can’t really see or touch or sense. The light side: that’s when it’s expressed and complete. That’s when you can feel it fully for the first time, about an air of contentment and pride in expressing something fully.”
When he finishes, I am left trying to get my brain to engulf and digest his words as much as humanely possible, simply because it’s so true, so different, so… Ruki. Ruki: a man of thoughts, ideas and expression, sat here in my hotel room at 2am, analysing the things in the mirror like a painting. The difference in our thoughts is astonishing.
When I look, back up at the mirror, Ruki’s watching my half-lit face through the same reflective material, waiting. Waiting for what, I don’t know. Before I can take a guess, he’s turned back to me again, hugging his knees up to his chest loosely, and I can sense the question I was waiting for hanging on his tongue. “Why?”
I don’t know why- not really. “It was keeping me awake.”
He smiles. “What- waiting to hear what I thought of it?”
I try to return a smile. “Sort of. What you think of it… it’s very different to my own ideas. Mine are a little less positive.”
“Do you want to tell me about them?” He asks, hugging his knees a little tighter now.
I swallow, beginning to feel slightly nervous, trying to swallow back those nerves. Trying to swallow back the need to lie. Trying to swallow back the fear that wants to shut me up. Trying to swallow it all down, in one go. Down, down, down. Just say it. I have to push myself. After one deep breath, noticing some level of worry in Ruki’s face, I speak. “It makes me think of myself. What I show to people and what I don’t. What I cover. What I make up. What isn’t me.” He looks down at my hands that are in my lap, twisting around each other uncomfortably. It’s like he can sense it all. Sense my worry and my fear and the invisible barrier that stops me from so much. He can see it. He could always see it.
“And… are you okay with that?” He lifts his head, looking up at me through the dark and the shadows and the dim rays of light from one side that aren’t bright enough to reveal all the features of both him and me.
“No.” I murmur, all in complete honesty, shaking at my own truth. The truth- a truth that admitting both breaks a part of me and fixes me at the same time. A truth that doesn’t pain me to admit to someone like Ruki, but only makes me more aware of the ache.
“Well, let’s fix that. Together.” Ruki replies, smiling, confident, supportive, whole.
To have the person I most envy and admire teach me to be myself… what would that be like?
I wonder.
Chapters: 5/?
Genre: Angst, drama, romance
Warnings: Swearing
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the story.
Rating: PG-13 (May change later on)
Band: the GazettE
Pairings: UruhaxRuki
Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4
Synopsis: Kouyou's having inner persona conflict, all because of one man, and it's starting to take toll.
Author's note: I feel like I spent too long writing this chapter, but it's finally done. In my mind it feels a little plain and lacking 'action', but the next one will have more going on. Promise.
<< previous chapter
One of the times I’m most peaceful before a concert is when I’m able to walk freely about the concert hall, even in a small venue, my guitar sometimes hanging from its strap around my shoulders, whilst I meander through rows and columns of seats and around the stage. I gaze down from the stage and upper levels of the hall and gaze up from the bottom level’s seats, just merely pondering.
It is during these peaceful times that I am able to wear a jacket over a coffee-stained vest yet still have my hair and makeup styled. It is during these peaceful times that I become a mix of Kouyou and Uruha- or somewhere in-between. It is during these peaceful times that there are no negative thoughts whatsoever; only calm wonderings as I let the pre-concert buzz of excitement and nerves slowly fill the air and wash over me in the build up to the evening’s event.
It is a peaceful time like now, where I am doing that exact thing- currently with arms outstretched behind me, rested against the back of a chair, watching idly as the stage lighting is fiddled with by various staff members. My mind is somehow at rest, albeit somewhat void of any thoughts, but I do not question it- I simply smile to myself, pleased at the freedom away from the usual onslaught of worries and fears that much too often fill my head.
Suddenly, my eyes are caught by Ruki as he walks in from an entrance on the opposite side of the hall with a concentrated look on his face. He walks slowly and as he gets closer I am able to watch the direction of his eyes as he scans the hall and I begin to wonder what goes on behind them. He stops abruptly in front of the stage, facing it as the lights above are continuously twiddled with, casting odd shadows across his face as lights elsewhere are dimmed to darkness. The shadows on his face are mysterious, but I manage to catch his expression change, his lips curling into a smirk of contentment. What is he thinking?
It’s a thought that’s filled my head often lately. I wondered if before he said goodbye the night I became aware of the smoke and he seemed almost too concerned about my well-being. I wondered it that morning the sky filled with colours that made his eyes glow with admiration through those thick-rimmed glasses of his. I wonder it whenever I catch him alone, sometimes when he’s smoking those damn cigarettes, eyes always glazed over with a look of deep thought- just like now.
The possibilities as to what he is thinking tend to overspill in my mind: perhaps he’s thinking about the tour… lyrics… a loved one… - but whatever contains such thoughts tends to fall over and cause them to run out into a mess on the floor as I doubt them. Even though I consider him a good friend- at least on my part, that is- I don’t really know him at all. I can watch his actions and listen to his words all I want, but it doesn’t mean I know what makes him tick. It doesn’t mean I know the reasoning behind his comfort in being himself. I blink, partially surfacing back to reality. Maybe I never knew him.
Despite all of this, somehow, watching him now, I just feel admiration for him. Admiration for his words; his hard work; the beauty he can see in things on a cold day. I merely watch as that glazed look returns to his eyes. Maybe… just maybe… he’s like me.
+
Another day, another hotel, another night spent sleeping too little and reflecting too much. Anyone I know could tell you I’m an over thinker from the amount of silences I seem to hold around others.
Tonight it isn’t the stress of everything getting to me, nor have I been tossing and turning recklessly under the covers quite like most other nights. In this bedroom, there is a wide mirrored wardrobe that faces the bed and tonight it has been keeping me awake.
With only a small lamp lit and the full, pure moon glowing brightly through the open window, I’ve become fascinated with watching the reflection of my half-lit body as I sit at the end of the bed, my fingers flicking lazily at the pages of the unused book in my lap. I’m not fascinated out of vanity- it’ over the way the light leaves odd dark shadows, contours and shapes on my unlit side, making the features difficult to work out in these late hours of the night. My other side, however, is bright and my pale skin is enhanced against the large, dark shirt of my nightwear.
Whilst half of me is visible and the rest isn’t, I seem incomplete and perhaps even lost. My hidden side’s shapes show my confusion within myself and what is visible is almost... stark and boring. Too black and white.
I return the book in my lap to the dresser, switching it with my phone and quickly navigating to my messages on the screen. Despite being with him a lot of the time anyway, due to band work, Ruki has been messaging me a lot more since that morning I faced bitterly cold winds and he managed to see through to some colour, his presence warming me as I’d watched him, wondering of his thoughts yet still being in total awe of his personality. The thought of a recent happy memory makes me smile as I blindly scan through a message from Aoi about visiting his girlfriend outside of Tokyo sometime soon.
The messages from Ruki have just been random things, mostly- most of which are jokes that have run on for weeks- with one of them once causing me to burst out laughing on silent, busy train. It attracted a lot of stares and angry glares, no doubt, but I’ll find a way to get him back. Tonight there is an air of seriousness in the thought of messaging him, realising the recollected closeness we have gathered so far, from laughing over Kai’s occasional clumsiness and drinking coffee together to… to what? I swallow nervously at my questioning thoughts, biting lightly at my bottom lip. I wonder if he’s awake.
My fingers hover nervously over the keys to message him as I doubt the thought too much, worrying that messaging him would wake him up and irritate him- and that’s the last thing I wish to do. But then again… we’re both something of insomniacs. I don’t even glance at the clock to check the time and begin tapping in words, staring numbly at the rather ridiculous question and contemplating it in my mind. It’s a stupid question… but what else could I say? I nod to myself, pressing the final button and holding my breath until the familiar pop-up appears, confirming that it’s been sent.
Hey, Ru. Are you awake?
To distract myself from beginning to regret sending the message, my eyes wander back to the mirror ahead of me. I notice I’m still biting at my bruised lip, tapping one foot against the floor as if impatiently nervous of a reply. I return to the thoughts the mirror originally gave me, with what is hidden and what is visible. The things I show to others are the visible part, not only forced smiles and fake laughter, but the odd rare trait or habit that I am comfortable with revealing to others. The darkness is what I’m not comfortable showing of myself to others- something a lot more than a privacy issue. Suddenly, I’m snapped out of my thoughts when there’s a buzz on my lap.
Yeah, I’m awake. Is something up?
Already, there’s a sign of concern. Already, he’s picked up on things now and before no one else has noticed because it’s something I try to hide- my insecurities that worry me to no end. My eyes flick up to the mirror. I guess it’s slightly different with Ruki. I’m just thankful that the thoughts of this night are less negative than others. After some more thinking, I tap in a reply.
It’s nothing bad. I’ve just been thinking a lot.
I suppose my habit of being more honest with Ruki- or more like Kouyou, in this case- has played some part in his ability to notice hidden things. Not long after sending the message, there’s another buzz and I flip open the bright screen of the once again.
I know it’s late, but do you want to come over? We could talk.
Ruki’s friendliness has been ever so prominent lately; always offering to do things or have a chat, even when things or busy or he has a lot of work piled up for him. It almost doesn’t seem like him, having known him as a ‘workaholic’ for so long, to just cut up parts of his working hours to do things with me. I hum to myself, considering his offer for a moment, realising that tonight he’s sharing a room with Aoi. As nice a friend as Aoi is, this is different- not something much like ‘Uruha’ to talk about in front of him.
You’re sharing a room with Aoi, right? I don’t know if I could about it with him there…
I consider myself fortunate to get a room on my own most of the time, where I can be myself without having to face whoever shares the room with me. The thought of that alone almost makes me shake, racking me with anxiety. On the other hand, it can be dangerous for me to be left alone with my own thoughts, digging myself a hole which can take days to climb out of. It’s what happens when there’s no real balance between being Kouyou and being Uruha.
Then I’m coming over.
It’s a statement of certainty that almost makes me nervous, like a sudden announcement with words that haven’t quite sunken in yet. It’ll take less than five minutes for him to arrive, at the most, as his room is round the corner and he seems eager to be prompt. I suppose I could do with some company, I say to myself, attempting to loosen the knot that has risen in my stomach, as it often does before I see Ruki.
I glance down at myself, suddenly, as if my eyes haven’t been fixed on a mirror for the past few hours and I’ve forgotten my appearance. Boxers and an oversized t-shirt- hardly formal. For a moment I wonder if being dressed like this would be awkward, but a knock at the door reminds me- Ruki probably doesn’t give a fuck. I wonder why I even doubt myself sometimes.
I look down at the smaller man as I open the door. For a moment, Ruki looks at me with slightly startled eyes as if surprised to see me and, being unsure of what to do, I smile at him. “Good evening.”
“Oh, yeah, hi, Uru. Sorry, I zoned out for a second.” He smiles back, his far-off gaze finally broken.
I chuckle. “Couldn’t sleep either?”
He nods, slowly stepping inside, becoming shadowed by the dim light of the room. For a moment, he’s staring at something unknown in the dark and the lingering question of what he’s thinking hangs in my mind for a second.
He swivels round, suddenly, his previous distant expression drawing into something of irritation. He sighs, scowling lightly. “Aoi’s been a little... annoyed with me, lately. It’s harder to sleep when he’s like that with me. I don’t know.”
I close the door behind me and find my way to the bed, bouncing lightly as I sit on it, as if the bed is the sole reason for my lack of sleep. “What’s he pissed at you for?” I ask, intrigued, as he sits beside me. He pulls his legs up so that he’s sat, cross-legged.
“I don’t really know. It’s sort of complicated. Either way, I’m sure it’ll pass; you know how Aoi can be.” He sighs again. “Why can’t you sleep?” He seems intent on listening to me, tapping his fingers against his knees lightly, showing some level of curiosity and wonder. Almost instantly at the question, my eyes are drawn to the mirrored wardrobe to the side of us. The light is against our backs, casting dark shadows of our figures over the bed and overspill into the floor in odd, stretched shapes.
It seems he’s followed my gaze. “The mirror?” I nod in response. He shuffles round to face it, watching the light across his body in the reflection. “What about it?” He questions, tilting his head to one side, as if it’s a better angle or view of his face. It’s something about this and his odd nature that makes me smile naturally at the sight. “Well… what do you see?” I ask, pure curiosity driving me.
Ruki turns some more, so that his legs hang off the edge, just as I had been before he arrived. There is a difference, however, in that he is probably thinking something completely different to me in regards to the light and the shadows. He still hasn’t questioned me at all, as I would’ve expected to.
He then starts explaining. “It’s about expression,” He begins. “For me, it’s about expression and ideas- how they link… and how they become. Sometimes, something will hit me, out of the blue. It could be that I notice a man outside in the rain, walking without an umbrella and getting soaked in the evening, or that I’m watching children swinging on swings. An idea, right then, could hit me, stemming out from the emotions the event creates within me. For a moment, it hangs there, still, not yet fully formed; not yet complete amongst a frozen sea of other ideas. It’s not until things click and I am sure that I should grasp it and take it forward so I can express it. That’s what the darkness is- the frozen sea of ideas that you can’t really see or touch or sense. The light side: that’s when it’s expressed and complete. That’s when you can feel it fully for the first time, about an air of contentment and pride in expressing something fully.”
When he finishes, I am left trying to get my brain to engulf and digest his words as much as humanely possible, simply because it’s so true, so different, so… Ruki. Ruki: a man of thoughts, ideas and expression, sat here in my hotel room at 2am, analysing the things in the mirror like a painting. The difference in our thoughts is astonishing.
When I look, back up at the mirror, Ruki’s watching my half-lit face through the same reflective material, waiting. Waiting for what, I don’t know. Before I can take a guess, he’s turned back to me again, hugging his knees up to his chest loosely, and I can sense the question I was waiting for hanging on his tongue. “Why?”
I don’t know why- not really. “It was keeping me awake.”
He smiles. “What- waiting to hear what I thought of it?”
I try to return a smile. “Sort of. What you think of it… it’s very different to my own ideas. Mine are a little less positive.”
“Do you want to tell me about them?” He asks, hugging his knees a little tighter now.
I swallow, beginning to feel slightly nervous, trying to swallow back those nerves. Trying to swallow back the need to lie. Trying to swallow back the fear that wants to shut me up. Trying to swallow it all down, in one go. Down, down, down. Just say it. I have to push myself. After one deep breath, noticing some level of worry in Ruki’s face, I speak. “It makes me think of myself. What I show to people and what I don’t. What I cover. What I make up. What isn’t me.” He looks down at my hands that are in my lap, twisting around each other uncomfortably. It’s like he can sense it all. Sense my worry and my fear and the invisible barrier that stops me from so much. He can see it. He could always see it.
“And… are you okay with that?” He lifts his head, looking up at me through the dark and the shadows and the dim rays of light from one side that aren’t bright enough to reveal all the features of both him and me.
“No.” I murmur, all in complete honesty, shaking at my own truth. The truth- a truth that admitting both breaks a part of me and fixes me at the same time. A truth that doesn’t pain me to admit to someone like Ruki, but only makes me more aware of the ache.
“Well, let’s fix that. Together.” Ruki replies, smiling, confident, supportive, whole.
To have the person I most envy and admire teach me to be myself… what would that be like?
I wonder.