[oneshot] and a self esteem to match (what a catch) (2/2)
Title: and a self esteem to match (what a catch)
Pairings: gtop
Rating: nc17
Genre: romance, au
Warnings: swearing, sex, anti-queer bigotry, recreational drug use
Author: gdgdbaby
Notes: weekend au. 12,600 words.
< < < PART 1 < < <
He rinses the dishes and sets them out to dry afterwards, airs the room out to try to get rid of the residual stench of marijuana. The power light on his laptop blinks at him when he goes back into his bedroom. He plugs it in, opens the word document back up.
He's barely typed out half a sentence when his phone goes off. For a moment he thinks it might be Jiyong, but the caller ID flashes Daesung on the screen and he quashes down the strange feeling of disappointment, picks it up after a couple more rings.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Seunghyun," Daesung says, and Seunghyun can hear the smile in his voice over the line. "I'm good. Hyori's taken Jeesoo out to Lotte World for the rest of the night and Dongwook-hyung and I wanted to invite you out for drinks. Are you free?"
"I'd love to," he replies, "but I actually have plans tonight."
"Really? Do tell."
Seunghyun chuckles. "It's nothing, just some party."
"Come on, that's not nothing! Who are you going with? Bom? Jiyeon?"
"No, I-" Seunghyun folds his legs underneath him and breathes into the receiver. "I met someone, actually."
"Fuck," Daesung says, delighted. "You've been holding out on me, asshole. When did you meet him?"
"Last night."
"Yesterday? You said you were going home!"
He shrugs before he remembers Daesung can't see him. "Yeah, well, I was pretty drunk already when I left your house and-I guess one thing led to another."
"God, now that you've told me about this we clearly have to vet him, whoever he is," Daesung announces. "You should bring him over tomorrow."
Seunghyun gapes. "What, you mean to Jeesoo's birthday party? Are you insane?"
"What do you mean? It's a perfectly reasonable request. I want to meet him!"
"I can't," Seunghyun says firmly. He tries for a moment to imagine Jiyong making nice with his friends. The picture in his mind's eye is so thoroughly ridiculous that he almost laughs out loud. "He's leaving, anyway, so he can't come. Sorry."
"Right," Daesung says, unconvinced. "Well-have fun at your party. See you tomorrow, yeah?"
"Yeah. Tell hyung I said hello."
He showers at seven and Jiyong texts him at eight. Seunghyun spends a truly embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out what to wear-so long, in fact, that he's almost late for the bus, ends up just throwing a crumpled dress shirt on and running out the door with cell phone and keys jangling in his pocket.
A group of raucous partygoers is on the 401 with him-and maybe Jiyong is infectious or something, because when they start ragging on and on about how one of their absentee friends acts totally gay (walks with a twist to his hips and conditions his hair just so), he feels the immediate insistent urge to punch their lights out.
I'm right here, he thinks, eyes closing. We're all right here, whether you know it or not.
The party is at some swanky cocktail bar in Gangnam. The bartender sends him a weird look when Seunghyun orders two beers but slides them over a minute later. He's just taking his first sip when he sees Jiyong's head bobbing at the entrance, grinning and gesticulating wildly.
Seunghyun waits for Jiyong to notice him at the bar and holds the beers up as Jiyong wades through the crowd to get to him.
"I don't like beer," he says, teeth gleaming in the darkness.
"Of course you don't," Seunghyun sighs. He shakes his head and hands Jiyong the other pint anyway. "Why here?"
"Better than Itaewon," he replies drily, and Seunghyun has to concede the point. Jiyong chews on a fingernail. "I didn't think you'd come."
"No? Well, I did, so-cheers."
"Cheers." Jiyong swallows a mouthful and grimaces. "Come on, I'm gonna introduce you to everyone."
Everyone turns out to be Chaerin the roommate, Youngbae the best friend, and Seungri the jellyfish from Friday, along with Dara and Justar and Mina, Seungho and Teddy and Kush and about a thousand other people that Seunghyun can't possibly hope to remember-but it turns out alright because they've apparently decided that they like him. Enough, at least, to include him in a boisterous discussion of various sexploitations and round after round of shots, Jiyong's laughter pealing high and sharp over the loud roar of music.
"He really likes you, you know," Chaerin tells him later, when they're sitting at the bar watching Jiyong argue with Seungho and Youngbae over gay representation in the media.
"Is that so?" Seunghyun rubs a hand over his face and downs half his drink. "And how do you know that?"
"He always lets me listen to the tapes," she replies, eyes thinning into slits as she smiles. "But he didn't let me listen to yours."
"For good reason, probably," he says, coughing.
"What, is it especially dirty?" she asks, and laughs at the expression on his face. "God, don't be shy, it's just sex. It's not like you've murdered anyone."
"That's kind of a low bar to set, don't you think?" he points out. Chaerin just laughs again and waves the bartender over to order another drink.
"So, has he told you about Taejin?"
"Who?"
Chaerin downs her shot of vodka and wipes her mouth. "Taejin is Jiyong's ex. The one who fucked him up, basically."
"Ah," Seunghyun says. "I don't think we should be talking about this-"
"Come on, you deserve to know, and God knows he won't tell you all the sordid details," Chaerin drawls. "He cheated, you know."
Seunghyun blinks. "Who did?"
"Taejin-all the goddamn time. I was fucking pissed but Jiyong never did anything about it. Then, around the time they broke up, he was trying to make a pass at someone in a parking lot and got beat up by some gay-bashing assholes."
"Taejin?"
"Yeah," Chaerin says, rolling her eyes. "He was a terrible boyfriend, but nobody deserves that, you know? After they broke it off, Jiyong went to Europe for three months by himself. Came back with long hair and cut it all off a week after he got home."
"Fuck," is all he can think to say.
Chaerin looks like she wants to continue, but Dara pulls her away to dance and Jiyong slides in to take her place, elbows propped up on the counter. "Hi," Jiyong says, adjusting the collar of his v-neck.
Seunghyun hides his sorry attempt at a smile behind the rim of his glass. "Nice party," he mumbles.
"Yeah," Jiyong says. The corners of his lips come up. "You wanna get out of here?"
"Your friends are really nice," Seunghyun says at the bus stop. "D'you think they'll mind that we just left without saying goodbye?"
"Those party animals?" Jiyong snorts. "They'll be glad we left, to be honest. My being there just forces them to remember that I'm leaving. Brings down the mood."
"Aren't you sad to be going?"
"I'll miss them," Jiyong says, shrugging. "But-sometimes I'm happy to be getting the fuck out of here, you know?"
Seunghyun looks at him sharply. "Why's that?"
"You know how friends are," Jiyong replies. "They have all these preconceived notions about how you act, how you're supposed to be. Whenever you try to change yourself it's like trying to swim through cement."
"That's not true."
"Of course it is," he says, raising an eyebrow. "Your friends must do it, too. They've got you in this box and they'll never let you out of it-you can only be a version of yourself that they know already. There's zero room for growth because every time you try to change, they just pull you right back where you started. I want to go away, start new, reinvent myself in an image that I like." He laughs. "I want to redraw myself."
Seunghyun chuckles. "Ah, right-because you're an artist."
"Smart cookie," Jiyong says, patting his shoulder. "I want to redraw myself and everyone keeps hiding my fucking crayons."
Jiyong tugs him onto the 3414 and they rush into Lotte World half an hour before it closes. He absolutely destroys Seunghyun in the bumper cars, after which Jiyong forces him onto the merry-go-round, takes a bunch of pictures of him on a pony for posterity and nearly ruptures something from laughing so hard. In retaliation, Seunghyun runs off with most of the cotton candy Jiyong buys, hands a sticky mess by the time Jiyong catches up with him.
"Did you ever get to go to amusement parks much as a kid?" Jiyong asks, shaking bits of cotton candy out of his hair.
"Once or twice," Seunghyun says. "Daesung's favorite was always the pirate ship ride."
"The first time I came here was on a field trip with my boarding school," Jiyong offers.
"You went to a boarding school?" Seunghyun whistles. "How was that?"
"I learned shit, I guess. It was alright. My roommate was an ass, though." Jiyong's lips twist. "He walked in on me masturbating to gay porn and naturally had to tell the entire school. No one really wanted to be friends after that."
Seunghyun swallows and grabs his arm. "I'm so sorry."
Jiyong shakes his head. "It is what it is," he says, but his eyes go a little less cold when he sees the way Seunghyun's looking at him. "You look like you want to kiss me."
"I do," Seunghyun says easily.
Jiyong clasps his hands behinds his back and bounces up on the soles of his feet, looking at him expectantly. "What are you waiting for? Permission?"
"Not here," Seunghyun says, and ignores the glimmer of disappointment on Jiyong's face.
At the apartment, Seunghyun pulls a dusty bottle of wine out at Jiyong's request and pops some bread in the toaster for himself. "You know, there's something I haven't told you about as well."
Jiyong's eyes go comically wide, and he presses a hand to his chest. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yes, that's exactly it," Seunghyun says, wincing. "That's the big secret, sorry for not telling you earlier."
"I'm heartbroken, really."
Seunghyun laughs. "No-it's-you know, the tapes you've got, of all the people you've slept with?"
"Yeah," Jiyong says, shoving a pile of plates out of the way and settling on the countertop.
Seunghyun toys with a button on his shirt. "I kind of have something similar."
He registers a sort of impressed surprise on Jiyong's face. "Shit, really? What do you mean?"
"I mean, I don't share mine with people, obviously."
"What do you have it for, then?"
"I don't know," he admits. "It's like some sort of demented sexual diary, I guess."
Jiyong laughs and hops off the linoleum, shuffles him out of the kitchenette. "Now that you've divulged all of this, you've got to show it to me."
Seunghyun boots up his computer and brings it out to the living room. Jiyong's nibbling on a slice of his toast, body wrapped around one of the couch cushions. "Here's a good one. Alright, so-he was tall, and very handsome. He'd just gotten back from military service a couple of months ago. On the third day, he told me that when he came out to his parents, they refused to ever talk about it. He said it didn't matter, even though it obviously did to him. I told him so, and to get me to stop talking about it, he pulled out his guitar and sang me a song, instead." Jiyong starts cackling, wine sloshing out of his glass and onto the carpet. "It was mortifying, and I wanted to call Daesung to tell him about it, because I knew he'd find it all hilarious. Anyway, I knew I could never see him again. Obviously. But I felt really terrible about it, so I stayed the night anyway."
"You're too nice, that's your problem," Jiyong says, still chortling. "You avoid confrontation at all costs, to your own detriment."
"Thanks for the impromptu therapy session."
Jiyong gives a little bow. Then: "Did you end up telling Daesung about it?"
Seunghyun shakes his head and pours out more wine. "October 2011. This guy pulled me into the cabin and started sucking me off, but he wouldn't let me touch him at all, and he left right after I came in his mouth. Later, I saw him at the massage tables and he pretended that he didn't recognize me. It was then that I realized he had a wedding ring on, and I felt like shit-I couldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen when he was going to go home and kiss his wife, and if she would be able to smell me on him. I wondered if he had kids waiting up for him at home because he was late after sucking me off at a public bath."
Jiyong shifts on the sofa and presses his forehead against Seunghyun's left arm.
"February 2012. This was a foreigner I met at Queen. He had the greenest eyes I've ever seen, and when I asked him if he was out, he laughed and said no one he knew back home had no problem with it. We went back to his hostel and made out a lot, and we got each other off by going down on each other. He was on holiday, so I met him a couple more times for coffee, but he left by the end of the week."
"Paradise," Jiyong giggles into his shirt. "Here, let me read one."
Seunghyun gives him the laptop and Jiyong flicks lazily to April 2010.
"Alright, um-the first thing I noticed was that he smelled really nice. I'm going to call him Armani because I can't remember what his name was, but that was the aftershave he was wearing. He had a high-end apartment in Gangnam, and I think he worked for Samsung because there were a bunch of phone prototypes in his study. He asked if he could fuck me, and I said that I hadn't ever done that before, so if he wanted to then he had to be slow and careful about it, and we had to use protection. He wouldn't give me his number because he said he had a boyfriend. I remember riding the bus home and feeling shitty, and when I got home I showered three times and spent the rest of the day in bed."
Jiyong hesitates, then shuts the laptop and places it carefully on the coffee table. "You okay?" Seunghyun asks.
He settles back against the couch. "No, yeah, I'm fine-that just reminded me of someone."
There's a moment of silence. Then: "Taejin," Seunghyun says.
Jiyong flinches. "Who the fuck told you about that? Wait-it was Chaerin, wasn't it? Fuck-"
"I'm sorry, she just started talking about it."
"I'm-it's whatever. I'm over it. It was a long time ago."
"If you say so," Seunghyun says. He folds his legs up. "Well, now you know. Do you think I'm a freak?"
"Oh, certainly," Jiyong returns easily. "But that's alright. So are the rest of us. You aren't alone."
Seunghyun breaks the Grey Goose out in generous helpings when the red wine's all gone. It's also around this time that Jiyong asks him what he thinks about gay marriage equality and everything goes to shit.
"I just don't understand," Seunghyun says loudly, "I don't get how you can be against it in principle when you're normally all about equality, when you're the one who's always fighting for this shit-"
"It's not the same," Jiyong says stonily. "Marriage is a broken institution, isn't it? And I don't see why we should have to conform. That's all we do, don't you get it? Straight people don't care about the gays if we fit inside these little boxes that they dictate and don't give them too much trouble in their straight lives, but when we start making a fuss about getting the same treatment, then it's like the world is going to end. We aren't allowed to define ourselves. They're fine, as long as we don't shove it down their throats that we're gay."
"Why does that matter? Why should I have to shove it down their throats that I'm gay?"
"Because they do it to us all the time," he explodes, arms in the air. "Straight people are everywhere, but god forbid gay people also walk around holding hands or kissing in the streets. I don't want to have to be tolerated-I don't want to have to conform. We don't need anyone to give us a fucking certificate to make meaningful relationships official. And-" he takes a shaky breath, here, "don't try to tell me that marriage is about love, alright, because it's not."
Seunghyun folds his arms together and frowns. "Alright, enlighten me then, oh wise one. What do people get married for?"
"For the same reason they buy a house, or have kids, or anything: to tie themselves down."
He almost laughs. "Jesus. That's so cynical."
"The world is a fucking cynical place!"
"Stop," Seunghyun says, straightening up on the couch. "Stop, you sound like a fucking teenager, for God's sake. Listen-so what if it ties people down? I think it's pretty fucking radical for someone to be able to stand up and say, I love this person, and I want to spend the rest of my life with them, while everyone else is trying to shout them down, trying to tell them it's wrong, or-you know, you've heard them. People say that we're going to hell, just because we're fucking queer. You said that people don't marry because of love-"
"They don't, Seunghyun."
"But maybe they fucking do! Maybe two people just love each other-and yeah, maybe they'll get divorce, or it will end in tragedy, but what do you care? Why does it bother you so much, personally? It doesn't affect you if they're in love and they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Why can't you understand that sometimes people just want to be happy?"
"Are you happy?"
Seunghyun closes his eyes. "I'm fine."
"Bullshit."
"Yeah," he says, louder, "things could be a lot better, and easier, but I am absolutely fine."
"Of course you are," Jiyong says, voice shot through with doubt, and something closed off in his eyes makes Seunghyun angry, and he feels like he's speaking through a mouthful of glass.
"Don't you dare," he says, grabbing Jiyong's arm. "You don't know me-don't you dare think that just because I can't waltz around like you do and parade my sexuality for all to see that I am somehow less of a person that you are."
Jiyong rubs his face into the scratchy paisley of the couch. "That's not what I meant-"
"I've put up with your condescension all fucking weekend," he continues, steamrolling over Jiyong's protests, "and I have had it up to here with your holier-than-thou attitude. It's rich, coming from you. See, I can tell that you think I'm a fucking idiot for believing in love and romance and wanting to, God forbid, have a meaningful relationship with someone else-"
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to," Seunghyun says. "But see-hear me out, alright? I think that you want one, too."
Jiyong stares at him blankly, before reaching out and adjusting the collar of Seunghyun's shirt, fingers trailing down the thin material.
"What?"
"I think," Jiyong says, after a moment, "I think you would make an amazing boyfriend-"
Seunghyun closes his eyes for a second and shakes his head. "That's not what I'm trying to say. This isn't about me."
"-but I don't want one," he finishes, emphasizing every word with a dull pause.
"I don't believe you," Seunghyun says, laughing incredulously. "This is Taejin, alright-Taejin fucked you up-"
Jiyong rears back, forehead wrinkling as he frowns. "You don't know anything about me and Taejin, so shut the fuck up before you say something you can't take back-"
"He cheated on you, and now you can't even-"
"I don't care that he cheated on me, I care that he fucking lied to me about it, alright?" He stabs a finger in Seunghyun's chest so hard it hurts. "Look, maybe it's easier for you to think that I'm brokenhearted, or some shit, but fucking hear me when I say that I don't need-I can't have-a boyfriend right now. And that's all there is to it."
Seunghyun glares at the lines of his face and doesn't utter a word.
Jiyong's hand comes down to clamp over Seunghyun's forearm. "I really, really do not want us to fall out over this stupid shit," he says, and Seunghyun lets out a quiet breath. "I really don't, okay?"
"Just let me go get some air," Seunghyun says at last. "It's too hot in here." Jiyong squeezes his arm for a few more moments and lets him go.
Seunghyun escapes into his bedroom and props the window open. He can see the hint of stars twinkling down, cold and impervious, and the evening breeze blows in the dusty, dry smell of the city. He hears water running in the bathroom and Jiyong walks in a minute later, leans against the window frame next to him and peers out over the street.
"I'm really sorry," Seunghyun says, sighing into his sleeve.
"It's alright," Jiyong replies. "Blame it on the a-a-alcohol," he singsongs, and Seunghyun laughs. "Anyway, I have a peace offering."
Seunghyun snorts as Jiyong brings his wallet out. "What, are you gonna buy my friendship now?"
"Don't be an idiot," Jiyong scoffs. He pulls something from within the depths of his wallet and holds it up. "This is my secret stash of Master Kush. Would you like some?"
Seunghyun grins slowly and takes the joint.
Somehow, of course, they end up in bed again, Jiyong kissing the underside of Seunghyun's knees and murmuring nothings into the skin of his neck. Seunghyun gets off twice before Jiyong leans in, kisses the shell of his ear and asks, "Can I fuck you?"
A million different thoughts run through his head and the one thing that surfaces above it all is that he wants to do this. He wants it. Seunghyun breathes out and says lube and condoms in the top drawer before he can lose the last bit of nerve he still possesses.
Jiyong rolls a condom on and slicks himself up, cups the back of Seunghyun's neck with a hand and kisses the corner of his mouth as he slips his fingers up Seunghyun's ass. "Relax," he says, laughing when Seunghyun grinds down on his hand. "I got you."
It feels-fine, when Jiyong slides in to the hilt, and even starts feeling good when Jiyong's got the right angle and a firm grip on the base of his erection. He comes quickly the third time, breathing hard into Jiyong's mouth. Jiyong bites down hard on Seunghyun's lip and goes rigid a moment later, and Seunghyun brings his arms up to stroke the knobs of his spine, traces a finger along the tattoo on Jiyong's back and kisses his shoulder.
Seunghyun clicks the bedside lamp off after Jiyong's disposed of the condom and climbed back into bed. Dawn light is just peeking over the horizon.
"I can't be like you, you know," Seunghyun says, after a moment.
"What d'you mean?"
"At home, when I'm alone, I'm absolutely fine-I'm totally okay with being gay. I'm not scared, or ashamed-I don't want to be straight. But when I walk out there, and see all the people, all the people at work and on the streets and everywhere, I just can't do it. I see you and Chaerin and Seungho and I just-you're all amazing, and brave, and proud, but I just can't do it."
"It's okay. You don't have to." Jiyong pushes his fringe back and kisses him on the forehead. "Can I ask you something?" he whispers.
"Go for it," Seunghyun mumbles into his pillow.
"All those documents on your computer," he says. "You always ask them how they came out. Why?"
Seunghyun shrugs sleepily. "It's like a gay rite of passage, right, but I don't really know what it feels like to have to do that. So I'm living vicariously, I suppose."
"Have you ever thought about finding your parents?"
"Not really."
"Why not?"
"I'm not you," he says, amused. "It doesn't matter-I don't need to know. It doesn't matter."
"What if-" Jiyong bites his lip.
"What?"
"What if I pretended to be your-your dad, and you came out to me?"
Seunghyun stares at him. "God, why are you so weird?"
"It isn't weird," Jiyong insists. "Come on, just ignore the fact that we, you know, just had sex."
He screws his eyes shut for a moment and opens them again, takes a deep breath. "Alright."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He takes another breath and holds it. "Dad?"
"Son," Jiyong says, pitching his voice deep.
"Dad, I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
He swallows. "I'm gay."
There's a long pause.
"I'm into guys, Dad. Not girls." He resists the urge to apologize and waits.
"I see." Breathe in, breathe out. "You know what? It doesn't matter who you like. Not to me. I still love you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And guess what?"
"What?"
Jiyong smiles, just a tiny thing in the corner of his mouth, but Seunghyun's breath catches in his chest all the same. "I couldn't be more proud of you than if you were the first man on the moon."
The clock reads ten till eleven when he wakes up. His entire brain feels like it's gummed over and ossified overnight. Jiyong's space in the bed is empty, but Seunghyun can hear clattering in the kitchen and a minute later he walks in with two mugs of coffee.
"What are you doing today?" Jiyong asks, sinking down on the mussed blankets.
"I gotta go to Daesung's house," he replies, rubbing at his temple. "It's Jeesoo's birthday and I'm her godfather so I have to be there for her party at noon."
"I see."
"Listen," Seunghyun says, sipping on his coffee. "When's your flight tonight? When do you need to be at the airport?"
Jiyong sends him a shrewd look. "Gonna send me off properly, are you? A teary goodbye, the wistful wave at the security checkpoint?"
"Maybe," he replies blandly.
Jiyong laughs. "My flight's at four thirty, so I should probably be there by two." He picks at his belt buckle and stretches his legs out, bumps Seunghyun's side with the heel of his foot. "Ask me to stay," he says abruptly, jerking his head up to meet Seunghyun's eyes.
"Stay," Seunghyun says.
"I can't."
"I know."
Hyori greets him at the door and ushers him in. Jeesoo shrieks when she sees the huge package he's brought and delights over his gift for about a grand total of five minutes before moving on to the next one. Seunghyun sits in the living room with Sean and Hyeyoung and watches the kids play Twister and Pin the Tail on the Donkey for half an hour before going out for air.
Daesung follows him out with two plates of cake and hands one over, eyebrows raised. "How are you?"
"Fine," he says automatically, before reading the worried exasperation in Daesung's gaze.
"Really, now. How are you?" Daesung repeats. "What's going on with you?"
Seunghyun props himself up against the garage door and sticks a forkful of cake into his mouth. "God, I feel weird just thinking about talking about this stuff with you."
"It's not weird," Daesung says. "We're best friends, we're supposed to talk about everything together."
"This isn't middle school," he says. "And we don't-we've never talked about this before."
"Yeah," Daesung snaps, brow furrowed. "I know."
"Sorry," Seunghyun says after a beat of silence, carding a hand through his hair. "Sorry, I'm a dick."
Daesung sighs. "No. Come on, just tell me."
"It's just-" and it all comes pouring out, "I met a guy two days ago, Jiyong, and-it's so fucking stupid. What is two days? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all. But-I'm hungover as hell, and I'm tired, and he's leaving."
"You mentioned that," Daesung says. "Can't you just see him when he gets back?"
"He's not coming back. He's moving to America to get an art degree."
A pause, and then: "I see." He swallows a bite of cake pensively. "When does he leave?"
Seunghyun shakes his head. "It doesn't matter."
"When does he leave?" Daesung repeats, giving him a you should be used to this by now look. "I'll drive you to the airport."
"What? No, what about the party? You have the guests to consider-it'll take at least an hour to get there-"
"This is more important right now," Daesung says. "I can do this for you. Let me."
Seunghyun glances at him tentatively. "Are you sure?"
"Cut the crap," Daesung says, dumping their plates into the trashcan. "Let's go."
Seunghyun walks into the terminal alone, tells Daesung that he can get a ride home on his own. "My little boy's all grown up," Daesung says, pressing a hand to his chest.
"Fuck off," Seunghyun says, flipping him a rude gesture.
Daesung laughs and waves him inside.
He wanders around the main terminal for half an hour before spotting Jiyong loitering by the concourse Starbucks, mocha frappe in hand. Jiyong shuts his eyes for a moment when he spots him, a sort of vindicated expression on his face.
"I fucking knew you would be here," he says under his breath, stowing his passport in his backpack. "You're such a fucking romantic, you know that? It's gross."
"Thanks," Seunghyun says, grinning. "Did you check all your bags?"
"Yeah, everything's ready." He cocks his head to the side. "All I gotta do now is go through security and wait at the gate."
Seunghyun rocks back on his heels and stares at his shoes. "So-I wanted to thank you for this weekend-"
"Oh, God, just stop. This isn't some sappy drama, alright, simmer down-"
"Really," Seunghyun says, grabs his arms and just gazes at him.
"Fuck," Jiyong says, and rubs a hand over his face. His voice wavers. "Fuck, you shouldn't have come, you fucker."
Seunghyun laughs, the sound choking in his throat. "You're going to be great over there."
Jiyong reaches around and pulls him into a crushing hug, the air whooshing out of his lungs, Jiyong's hat scratching the underside of his chin. "You're an idiot."
"So they tell me."
He pulls away and reaches into his unzipped backpack, resurfaces with a wrinkled envelope. "This is for you."
"Parting gift," Seunghyun notes. "Very original."
"Shut up, asshole. Don't open it until you get home."
There's a look in Jiyong's eyes that Seunghyun recognizes by now. He takes the cue, forgets the curious glances and the other travelers milling busily around them, leans forward and kisses Jiyong, really kisses him, nose mashed into the curve of his cheek and fingers curled around his hips and knees banging together, awkward and messy.
When he pulls his head back a tad, Jiyong's eyes are rimmed red.
"Are you crying?" Seunghyun asks, swallowing a laugh.
"I've got allergies," Jiyong snaps, wiping his mouth.
"To what?"
"Feelings, you bastard," he says. He buries his face in Seunghyun's shirt and breathes in. "I'm gonna be really pissed when I come back to visit and you've stolen all my friends."
"I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about on that front."
The intercom says something about a flight to JFK and Jiyong reluctantly disentangles himself from Seunghyun. "Ask me to stay?"
"Stay," Seunghyun says.
"I can't," Jiyong replies, eyes clear, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and palming the handle of his carry-on suitcase.
Seunghyun smiles. "I know."
At home, he upends the package over his bed-and of course it's the battered tape recorder that falls out, in all its vintage glory. Fucking Jiyong, he thinks, and laughs to himself.
He scoops it up off the sheets and hits play.
"Wait, hold on. Jesus. I-um, I don't know. I can't even remember anything, what do you expect me to-"
"Just relax. Start from the beginning."
fin
A/N: so this one's kind of been a long time coming. if you still haven't seen the movie (tsk tsk!!!) you should really do so because it's lovely and understated and so much better than this, lmao.
thank you to underhand_glory and upchucked for looking over versions of this as i was writing and cheering me on as i moaned and groaned about it. all mistakes are mine. also thank you times a billion to everyone else who goaded me into writing this in this first place (you fuckers know who you are). the title is from what a catch, donnie by fall out boy. anon commenting, as usual, is on! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
Pairings: gtop
Rating: nc17
Genre: romance, au
Warnings: swearing, sex, anti-queer bigotry, recreational drug use
Author: gdgdbaby
Notes: weekend au. 12,600 words.
< < < PART 1 < < <
He rinses the dishes and sets them out to dry afterwards, airs the room out to try to get rid of the residual stench of marijuana. The power light on his laptop blinks at him when he goes back into his bedroom. He plugs it in, opens the word document back up.
He's barely typed out half a sentence when his phone goes off. For a moment he thinks it might be Jiyong, but the caller ID flashes Daesung on the screen and he quashes down the strange feeling of disappointment, picks it up after a couple more rings.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Seunghyun," Daesung says, and Seunghyun can hear the smile in his voice over the line. "I'm good. Hyori's taken Jeesoo out to Lotte World for the rest of the night and Dongwook-hyung and I wanted to invite you out for drinks. Are you free?"
"I'd love to," he replies, "but I actually have plans tonight."
"Really? Do tell."
Seunghyun chuckles. "It's nothing, just some party."
"Come on, that's not nothing! Who are you going with? Bom? Jiyeon?"
"No, I-" Seunghyun folds his legs underneath him and breathes into the receiver. "I met someone, actually."
"Fuck," Daesung says, delighted. "You've been holding out on me, asshole. When did you meet him?"
"Last night."
"Yesterday? You said you were going home!"
He shrugs before he remembers Daesung can't see him. "Yeah, well, I was pretty drunk already when I left your house and-I guess one thing led to another."
"God, now that you've told me about this we clearly have to vet him, whoever he is," Daesung announces. "You should bring him over tomorrow."
Seunghyun gapes. "What, you mean to Jeesoo's birthday party? Are you insane?"
"What do you mean? It's a perfectly reasonable request. I want to meet him!"
"I can't," Seunghyun says firmly. He tries for a moment to imagine Jiyong making nice with his friends. The picture in his mind's eye is so thoroughly ridiculous that he almost laughs out loud. "He's leaving, anyway, so he can't come. Sorry."
"Right," Daesung says, unconvinced. "Well-have fun at your party. See you tomorrow, yeah?"
"Yeah. Tell hyung I said hello."
He showers at seven and Jiyong texts him at eight. Seunghyun spends a truly embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out what to wear-so long, in fact, that he's almost late for the bus, ends up just throwing a crumpled dress shirt on and running out the door with cell phone and keys jangling in his pocket.
A group of raucous partygoers is on the 401 with him-and maybe Jiyong is infectious or something, because when they start ragging on and on about how one of their absentee friends acts totally gay (walks with a twist to his hips and conditions his hair just so), he feels the immediate insistent urge to punch their lights out.
I'm right here, he thinks, eyes closing. We're all right here, whether you know it or not.
The party is at some swanky cocktail bar in Gangnam. The bartender sends him a weird look when Seunghyun orders two beers but slides them over a minute later. He's just taking his first sip when he sees Jiyong's head bobbing at the entrance, grinning and gesticulating wildly.
Seunghyun waits for Jiyong to notice him at the bar and holds the beers up as Jiyong wades through the crowd to get to him.
"I don't like beer," he says, teeth gleaming in the darkness.
"Of course you don't," Seunghyun sighs. He shakes his head and hands Jiyong the other pint anyway. "Why here?"
"Better than Itaewon," he replies drily, and Seunghyun has to concede the point. Jiyong chews on a fingernail. "I didn't think you'd come."
"No? Well, I did, so-cheers."
"Cheers." Jiyong swallows a mouthful and grimaces. "Come on, I'm gonna introduce you to everyone."
Everyone turns out to be Chaerin the roommate, Youngbae the best friend, and Seungri the jellyfish from Friday, along with Dara and Justar and Mina, Seungho and Teddy and Kush and about a thousand other people that Seunghyun can't possibly hope to remember-but it turns out alright because they've apparently decided that they like him. Enough, at least, to include him in a boisterous discussion of various sexploitations and round after round of shots, Jiyong's laughter pealing high and sharp over the loud roar of music.
"He really likes you, you know," Chaerin tells him later, when they're sitting at the bar watching Jiyong argue with Seungho and Youngbae over gay representation in the media.
"Is that so?" Seunghyun rubs a hand over his face and downs half his drink. "And how do you know that?"
"He always lets me listen to the tapes," she replies, eyes thinning into slits as she smiles. "But he didn't let me listen to yours."
"For good reason, probably," he says, coughing.
"What, is it especially dirty?" she asks, and laughs at the expression on his face. "God, don't be shy, it's just sex. It's not like you've murdered anyone."
"That's kind of a low bar to set, don't you think?" he points out. Chaerin just laughs again and waves the bartender over to order another drink.
"So, has he told you about Taejin?"
"Who?"
Chaerin downs her shot of vodka and wipes her mouth. "Taejin is Jiyong's ex. The one who fucked him up, basically."
"Ah," Seunghyun says. "I don't think we should be talking about this-"
"Come on, you deserve to know, and God knows he won't tell you all the sordid details," Chaerin drawls. "He cheated, you know."
Seunghyun blinks. "Who did?"
"Taejin-all the goddamn time. I was fucking pissed but Jiyong never did anything about it. Then, around the time they broke up, he was trying to make a pass at someone in a parking lot and got beat up by some gay-bashing assholes."
"Taejin?"
"Yeah," Chaerin says, rolling her eyes. "He was a terrible boyfriend, but nobody deserves that, you know? After they broke it off, Jiyong went to Europe for three months by himself. Came back with long hair and cut it all off a week after he got home."
"Fuck," is all he can think to say.
Chaerin looks like she wants to continue, but Dara pulls her away to dance and Jiyong slides in to take her place, elbows propped up on the counter. "Hi," Jiyong says, adjusting the collar of his v-neck.
Seunghyun hides his sorry attempt at a smile behind the rim of his glass. "Nice party," he mumbles.
"Yeah," Jiyong says. The corners of his lips come up. "You wanna get out of here?"
"Your friends are really nice," Seunghyun says at the bus stop. "D'you think they'll mind that we just left without saying goodbye?"
"Those party animals?" Jiyong snorts. "They'll be glad we left, to be honest. My being there just forces them to remember that I'm leaving. Brings down the mood."
"Aren't you sad to be going?"
"I'll miss them," Jiyong says, shrugging. "But-sometimes I'm happy to be getting the fuck out of here, you know?"
Seunghyun looks at him sharply. "Why's that?"
"You know how friends are," Jiyong replies. "They have all these preconceived notions about how you act, how you're supposed to be. Whenever you try to change yourself it's like trying to swim through cement."
"That's not true."
"Of course it is," he says, raising an eyebrow. "Your friends must do it, too. They've got you in this box and they'll never let you out of it-you can only be a version of yourself that they know already. There's zero room for growth because every time you try to change, they just pull you right back where you started. I want to go away, start new, reinvent myself in an image that I like." He laughs. "I want to redraw myself."
Seunghyun chuckles. "Ah, right-because you're an artist."
"Smart cookie," Jiyong says, patting his shoulder. "I want to redraw myself and everyone keeps hiding my fucking crayons."
Jiyong tugs him onto the 3414 and they rush into Lotte World half an hour before it closes. He absolutely destroys Seunghyun in the bumper cars, after which Jiyong forces him onto the merry-go-round, takes a bunch of pictures of him on a pony for posterity and nearly ruptures something from laughing so hard. In retaliation, Seunghyun runs off with most of the cotton candy Jiyong buys, hands a sticky mess by the time Jiyong catches up with him.
"Did you ever get to go to amusement parks much as a kid?" Jiyong asks, shaking bits of cotton candy out of his hair.
"Once or twice," Seunghyun says. "Daesung's favorite was always the pirate ship ride."
"The first time I came here was on a field trip with my boarding school," Jiyong offers.
"You went to a boarding school?" Seunghyun whistles. "How was that?"
"I learned shit, I guess. It was alright. My roommate was an ass, though." Jiyong's lips twist. "He walked in on me masturbating to gay porn and naturally had to tell the entire school. No one really wanted to be friends after that."
Seunghyun swallows and grabs his arm. "I'm so sorry."
Jiyong shakes his head. "It is what it is," he says, but his eyes go a little less cold when he sees the way Seunghyun's looking at him. "You look like you want to kiss me."
"I do," Seunghyun says easily.
Jiyong clasps his hands behinds his back and bounces up on the soles of his feet, looking at him expectantly. "What are you waiting for? Permission?"
"Not here," Seunghyun says, and ignores the glimmer of disappointment on Jiyong's face.
At the apartment, Seunghyun pulls a dusty bottle of wine out at Jiyong's request and pops some bread in the toaster for himself. "You know, there's something I haven't told you about as well."
Jiyong's eyes go comically wide, and he presses a hand to his chest. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yes, that's exactly it," Seunghyun says, wincing. "That's the big secret, sorry for not telling you earlier."
"I'm heartbroken, really."
Seunghyun laughs. "No-it's-you know, the tapes you've got, of all the people you've slept with?"
"Yeah," Jiyong says, shoving a pile of plates out of the way and settling on the countertop.
Seunghyun toys with a button on his shirt. "I kind of have something similar."
He registers a sort of impressed surprise on Jiyong's face. "Shit, really? What do you mean?"
"I mean, I don't share mine with people, obviously."
"What do you have it for, then?"
"I don't know," he admits. "It's like some sort of demented sexual diary, I guess."
Jiyong laughs and hops off the linoleum, shuffles him out of the kitchenette. "Now that you've divulged all of this, you've got to show it to me."
Seunghyun boots up his computer and brings it out to the living room. Jiyong's nibbling on a slice of his toast, body wrapped around one of the couch cushions. "Here's a good one. Alright, so-he was tall, and very handsome. He'd just gotten back from military service a couple of months ago. On the third day, he told me that when he came out to his parents, they refused to ever talk about it. He said it didn't matter, even though it obviously did to him. I told him so, and to get me to stop talking about it, he pulled out his guitar and sang me a song, instead." Jiyong starts cackling, wine sloshing out of his glass and onto the carpet. "It was mortifying, and I wanted to call Daesung to tell him about it, because I knew he'd find it all hilarious. Anyway, I knew I could never see him again. Obviously. But I felt really terrible about it, so I stayed the night anyway."
"You're too nice, that's your problem," Jiyong says, still chortling. "You avoid confrontation at all costs, to your own detriment."
"Thanks for the impromptu therapy session."
Jiyong gives a little bow. Then: "Did you end up telling Daesung about it?"
Seunghyun shakes his head and pours out more wine. "October 2011. This guy pulled me into the cabin and started sucking me off, but he wouldn't let me touch him at all, and he left right after I came in his mouth. Later, I saw him at the massage tables and he pretended that he didn't recognize me. It was then that I realized he had a wedding ring on, and I felt like shit-I couldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen when he was going to go home and kiss his wife, and if she would be able to smell me on him. I wondered if he had kids waiting up for him at home because he was late after sucking me off at a public bath."
Jiyong shifts on the sofa and presses his forehead against Seunghyun's left arm.
"February 2012. This was a foreigner I met at Queen. He had the greenest eyes I've ever seen, and when I asked him if he was out, he laughed and said no one he knew back home had no problem with it. We went back to his hostel and made out a lot, and we got each other off by going down on each other. He was on holiday, so I met him a couple more times for coffee, but he left by the end of the week."
"Paradise," Jiyong giggles into his shirt. "Here, let me read one."
Seunghyun gives him the laptop and Jiyong flicks lazily to April 2010.
"Alright, um-the first thing I noticed was that he smelled really nice. I'm going to call him Armani because I can't remember what his name was, but that was the aftershave he was wearing. He had a high-end apartment in Gangnam, and I think he worked for Samsung because there were a bunch of phone prototypes in his study. He asked if he could fuck me, and I said that I hadn't ever done that before, so if he wanted to then he had to be slow and careful about it, and we had to use protection. He wouldn't give me his number because he said he had a boyfriend. I remember riding the bus home and feeling shitty, and when I got home I showered three times and spent the rest of the day in bed."
Jiyong hesitates, then shuts the laptop and places it carefully on the coffee table. "You okay?" Seunghyun asks.
He settles back against the couch. "No, yeah, I'm fine-that just reminded me of someone."
There's a moment of silence. Then: "Taejin," Seunghyun says.
Jiyong flinches. "Who the fuck told you about that? Wait-it was Chaerin, wasn't it? Fuck-"
"I'm sorry, she just started talking about it."
"I'm-it's whatever. I'm over it. It was a long time ago."
"If you say so," Seunghyun says. He folds his legs up. "Well, now you know. Do you think I'm a freak?"
"Oh, certainly," Jiyong returns easily. "But that's alright. So are the rest of us. You aren't alone."
Seunghyun breaks the Grey Goose out in generous helpings when the red wine's all gone. It's also around this time that Jiyong asks him what he thinks about gay marriage equality and everything goes to shit.
"I just don't understand," Seunghyun says loudly, "I don't get how you can be against it in principle when you're normally all about equality, when you're the one who's always fighting for this shit-"
"It's not the same," Jiyong says stonily. "Marriage is a broken institution, isn't it? And I don't see why we should have to conform. That's all we do, don't you get it? Straight people don't care about the gays if we fit inside these little boxes that they dictate and don't give them too much trouble in their straight lives, but when we start making a fuss about getting the same treatment, then it's like the world is going to end. We aren't allowed to define ourselves. They're fine, as long as we don't shove it down their throats that we're gay."
"Why does that matter? Why should I have to shove it down their throats that I'm gay?"
"Because they do it to us all the time," he explodes, arms in the air. "Straight people are everywhere, but god forbid gay people also walk around holding hands or kissing in the streets. I don't want to have to be tolerated-I don't want to have to conform. We don't need anyone to give us a fucking certificate to make meaningful relationships official. And-" he takes a shaky breath, here, "don't try to tell me that marriage is about love, alright, because it's not."
Seunghyun folds his arms together and frowns. "Alright, enlighten me then, oh wise one. What do people get married for?"
"For the same reason they buy a house, or have kids, or anything: to tie themselves down."
He almost laughs. "Jesus. That's so cynical."
"The world is a fucking cynical place!"
"Stop," Seunghyun says, straightening up on the couch. "Stop, you sound like a fucking teenager, for God's sake. Listen-so what if it ties people down? I think it's pretty fucking radical for someone to be able to stand up and say, I love this person, and I want to spend the rest of my life with them, while everyone else is trying to shout them down, trying to tell them it's wrong, or-you know, you've heard them. People say that we're going to hell, just because we're fucking queer. You said that people don't marry because of love-"
"They don't, Seunghyun."
"But maybe they fucking do! Maybe two people just love each other-and yeah, maybe they'll get divorce, or it will end in tragedy, but what do you care? Why does it bother you so much, personally? It doesn't affect you if they're in love and they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Why can't you understand that sometimes people just want to be happy?"
"Are you happy?"
Seunghyun closes his eyes. "I'm fine."
"Bullshit."
"Yeah," he says, louder, "things could be a lot better, and easier, but I am absolutely fine."
"Of course you are," Jiyong says, voice shot through with doubt, and something closed off in his eyes makes Seunghyun angry, and he feels like he's speaking through a mouthful of glass.
"Don't you dare," he says, grabbing Jiyong's arm. "You don't know me-don't you dare think that just because I can't waltz around like you do and parade my sexuality for all to see that I am somehow less of a person that you are."
Jiyong rubs his face into the scratchy paisley of the couch. "That's not what I meant-"
"I've put up with your condescension all fucking weekend," he continues, steamrolling over Jiyong's protests, "and I have had it up to here with your holier-than-thou attitude. It's rich, coming from you. See, I can tell that you think I'm a fucking idiot for believing in love and romance and wanting to, God forbid, have a meaningful relationship with someone else-"
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to," Seunghyun says. "But see-hear me out, alright? I think that you want one, too."
Jiyong stares at him blankly, before reaching out and adjusting the collar of Seunghyun's shirt, fingers trailing down the thin material.
"What?"
"I think," Jiyong says, after a moment, "I think you would make an amazing boyfriend-"
Seunghyun closes his eyes for a second and shakes his head. "That's not what I'm trying to say. This isn't about me."
"-but I don't want one," he finishes, emphasizing every word with a dull pause.
"I don't believe you," Seunghyun says, laughing incredulously. "This is Taejin, alright-Taejin fucked you up-"
Jiyong rears back, forehead wrinkling as he frowns. "You don't know anything about me and Taejin, so shut the fuck up before you say something you can't take back-"
"He cheated on you, and now you can't even-"
"I don't care that he cheated on me, I care that he fucking lied to me about it, alright?" He stabs a finger in Seunghyun's chest so hard it hurts. "Look, maybe it's easier for you to think that I'm brokenhearted, or some shit, but fucking hear me when I say that I don't need-I can't have-a boyfriend right now. And that's all there is to it."
Seunghyun glares at the lines of his face and doesn't utter a word.
Jiyong's hand comes down to clamp over Seunghyun's forearm. "I really, really do not want us to fall out over this stupid shit," he says, and Seunghyun lets out a quiet breath. "I really don't, okay?"
"Just let me go get some air," Seunghyun says at last. "It's too hot in here." Jiyong squeezes his arm for a few more moments and lets him go.
Seunghyun escapes into his bedroom and props the window open. He can see the hint of stars twinkling down, cold and impervious, and the evening breeze blows in the dusty, dry smell of the city. He hears water running in the bathroom and Jiyong walks in a minute later, leans against the window frame next to him and peers out over the street.
"I'm really sorry," Seunghyun says, sighing into his sleeve.
"It's alright," Jiyong replies. "Blame it on the a-a-alcohol," he singsongs, and Seunghyun laughs. "Anyway, I have a peace offering."
Seunghyun snorts as Jiyong brings his wallet out. "What, are you gonna buy my friendship now?"
"Don't be an idiot," Jiyong scoffs. He pulls something from within the depths of his wallet and holds it up. "This is my secret stash of Master Kush. Would you like some?"
Seunghyun grins slowly and takes the joint.
Somehow, of course, they end up in bed again, Jiyong kissing the underside of Seunghyun's knees and murmuring nothings into the skin of his neck. Seunghyun gets off twice before Jiyong leans in, kisses the shell of his ear and asks, "Can I fuck you?"
A million different thoughts run through his head and the one thing that surfaces above it all is that he wants to do this. He wants it. Seunghyun breathes out and says lube and condoms in the top drawer before he can lose the last bit of nerve he still possesses.
Jiyong rolls a condom on and slicks himself up, cups the back of Seunghyun's neck with a hand and kisses the corner of his mouth as he slips his fingers up Seunghyun's ass. "Relax," he says, laughing when Seunghyun grinds down on his hand. "I got you."
It feels-fine, when Jiyong slides in to the hilt, and even starts feeling good when Jiyong's got the right angle and a firm grip on the base of his erection. He comes quickly the third time, breathing hard into Jiyong's mouth. Jiyong bites down hard on Seunghyun's lip and goes rigid a moment later, and Seunghyun brings his arms up to stroke the knobs of his spine, traces a finger along the tattoo on Jiyong's back and kisses his shoulder.
Seunghyun clicks the bedside lamp off after Jiyong's disposed of the condom and climbed back into bed. Dawn light is just peeking over the horizon.
"I can't be like you, you know," Seunghyun says, after a moment.
"What d'you mean?"
"At home, when I'm alone, I'm absolutely fine-I'm totally okay with being gay. I'm not scared, or ashamed-I don't want to be straight. But when I walk out there, and see all the people, all the people at work and on the streets and everywhere, I just can't do it. I see you and Chaerin and Seungho and I just-you're all amazing, and brave, and proud, but I just can't do it."
"It's okay. You don't have to." Jiyong pushes his fringe back and kisses him on the forehead. "Can I ask you something?" he whispers.
"Go for it," Seunghyun mumbles into his pillow.
"All those documents on your computer," he says. "You always ask them how they came out. Why?"
Seunghyun shrugs sleepily. "It's like a gay rite of passage, right, but I don't really know what it feels like to have to do that. So I'm living vicariously, I suppose."
"Have you ever thought about finding your parents?"
"Not really."
"Why not?"
"I'm not you," he says, amused. "It doesn't matter-I don't need to know. It doesn't matter."
"What if-" Jiyong bites his lip.
"What?"
"What if I pretended to be your-your dad, and you came out to me?"
Seunghyun stares at him. "God, why are you so weird?"
"It isn't weird," Jiyong insists. "Come on, just ignore the fact that we, you know, just had sex."
He screws his eyes shut for a moment and opens them again, takes a deep breath. "Alright."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He takes another breath and holds it. "Dad?"
"Son," Jiyong says, pitching his voice deep.
"Dad, I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
He swallows. "I'm gay."
There's a long pause.
"I'm into guys, Dad. Not girls." He resists the urge to apologize and waits.
"I see." Breathe in, breathe out. "You know what? It doesn't matter who you like. Not to me. I still love you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And guess what?"
"What?"
Jiyong smiles, just a tiny thing in the corner of his mouth, but Seunghyun's breath catches in his chest all the same. "I couldn't be more proud of you than if you were the first man on the moon."
The clock reads ten till eleven when he wakes up. His entire brain feels like it's gummed over and ossified overnight. Jiyong's space in the bed is empty, but Seunghyun can hear clattering in the kitchen and a minute later he walks in with two mugs of coffee.
"What are you doing today?" Jiyong asks, sinking down on the mussed blankets.
"I gotta go to Daesung's house," he replies, rubbing at his temple. "It's Jeesoo's birthday and I'm her godfather so I have to be there for her party at noon."
"I see."
"Listen," Seunghyun says, sipping on his coffee. "When's your flight tonight? When do you need to be at the airport?"
Jiyong sends him a shrewd look. "Gonna send me off properly, are you? A teary goodbye, the wistful wave at the security checkpoint?"
"Maybe," he replies blandly.
Jiyong laughs. "My flight's at four thirty, so I should probably be there by two." He picks at his belt buckle and stretches his legs out, bumps Seunghyun's side with the heel of his foot. "Ask me to stay," he says abruptly, jerking his head up to meet Seunghyun's eyes.
"Stay," Seunghyun says.
"I can't."
"I know."
Hyori greets him at the door and ushers him in. Jeesoo shrieks when she sees the huge package he's brought and delights over his gift for about a grand total of five minutes before moving on to the next one. Seunghyun sits in the living room with Sean and Hyeyoung and watches the kids play Twister and Pin the Tail on the Donkey for half an hour before going out for air.
Daesung follows him out with two plates of cake and hands one over, eyebrows raised. "How are you?"
"Fine," he says automatically, before reading the worried exasperation in Daesung's gaze.
"Really, now. How are you?" Daesung repeats. "What's going on with you?"
Seunghyun props himself up against the garage door and sticks a forkful of cake into his mouth. "God, I feel weird just thinking about talking about this stuff with you."
"It's not weird," Daesung says. "We're best friends, we're supposed to talk about everything together."
"This isn't middle school," he says. "And we don't-we've never talked about this before."
"Yeah," Daesung snaps, brow furrowed. "I know."
"Sorry," Seunghyun says after a beat of silence, carding a hand through his hair. "Sorry, I'm a dick."
Daesung sighs. "No. Come on, just tell me."
"It's just-" and it all comes pouring out, "I met a guy two days ago, Jiyong, and-it's so fucking stupid. What is two days? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all. But-I'm hungover as hell, and I'm tired, and he's leaving."
"You mentioned that," Daesung says. "Can't you just see him when he gets back?"
"He's not coming back. He's moving to America to get an art degree."
A pause, and then: "I see." He swallows a bite of cake pensively. "When does he leave?"
Seunghyun shakes his head. "It doesn't matter."
"When does he leave?" Daesung repeats, giving him a you should be used to this by now look. "I'll drive you to the airport."
"What? No, what about the party? You have the guests to consider-it'll take at least an hour to get there-"
"This is more important right now," Daesung says. "I can do this for you. Let me."
Seunghyun glances at him tentatively. "Are you sure?"
"Cut the crap," Daesung says, dumping their plates into the trashcan. "Let's go."
Seunghyun walks into the terminal alone, tells Daesung that he can get a ride home on his own. "My little boy's all grown up," Daesung says, pressing a hand to his chest.
"Fuck off," Seunghyun says, flipping him a rude gesture.
Daesung laughs and waves him inside.
He wanders around the main terminal for half an hour before spotting Jiyong loitering by the concourse Starbucks, mocha frappe in hand. Jiyong shuts his eyes for a moment when he spots him, a sort of vindicated expression on his face.
"I fucking knew you would be here," he says under his breath, stowing his passport in his backpack. "You're such a fucking romantic, you know that? It's gross."
"Thanks," Seunghyun says, grinning. "Did you check all your bags?"
"Yeah, everything's ready." He cocks his head to the side. "All I gotta do now is go through security and wait at the gate."
Seunghyun rocks back on his heels and stares at his shoes. "So-I wanted to thank you for this weekend-"
"Oh, God, just stop. This isn't some sappy drama, alright, simmer down-"
"Really," Seunghyun says, grabs his arms and just gazes at him.
"Fuck," Jiyong says, and rubs a hand over his face. His voice wavers. "Fuck, you shouldn't have come, you fucker."
Seunghyun laughs, the sound choking in his throat. "You're going to be great over there."
Jiyong reaches around and pulls him into a crushing hug, the air whooshing out of his lungs, Jiyong's hat scratching the underside of his chin. "You're an idiot."
"So they tell me."
He pulls away and reaches into his unzipped backpack, resurfaces with a wrinkled envelope. "This is for you."
"Parting gift," Seunghyun notes. "Very original."
"Shut up, asshole. Don't open it until you get home."
There's a look in Jiyong's eyes that Seunghyun recognizes by now. He takes the cue, forgets the curious glances and the other travelers milling busily around them, leans forward and kisses Jiyong, really kisses him, nose mashed into the curve of his cheek and fingers curled around his hips and knees banging together, awkward and messy.
When he pulls his head back a tad, Jiyong's eyes are rimmed red.
"Are you crying?" Seunghyun asks, swallowing a laugh.
"I've got allergies," Jiyong snaps, wiping his mouth.
"To what?"
"Feelings, you bastard," he says. He buries his face in Seunghyun's shirt and breathes in. "I'm gonna be really pissed when I come back to visit and you've stolen all my friends."
"I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about on that front."
The intercom says something about a flight to JFK and Jiyong reluctantly disentangles himself from Seunghyun. "Ask me to stay?"
"Stay," Seunghyun says.
"I can't," Jiyong replies, eyes clear, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and palming the handle of his carry-on suitcase.
Seunghyun smiles. "I know."
At home, he upends the package over his bed-and of course it's the battered tape recorder that falls out, in all its vintage glory. Fucking Jiyong, he thinks, and laughs to himself.
He scoops it up off the sheets and hits play.
"Wait, hold on. Jesus. I-um, I don't know. I can't even remember anything, what do you expect me to-"
"Just relax. Start from the beginning."
fin
A/N: so this one's kind of been a long time coming. if you still haven't seen the movie (tsk tsk!!!) you should really do so because it's lovely and understated and so much better than this, lmao.
thank you to underhand_glory and upchucked for looking over versions of this as i was writing and cheering me on as i moaned and groaned about it. all mistakes are mine. also thank you times a billion to everyone else who goaded me into writing this in this first place (you fuckers know who you are). the title is from what a catch, donnie by fall out boy. anon commenting, as usual, is on! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧