Ouroboros - Part 7
Fic title:Ouroboros
Author name:Gedry
Artist name:Counteragent
Genre: Gen
Rating:PG
Word count: 32,895
Summary:After Sam gets his soul back his relationship with Dean is rockier than ever. Secrets have piled up and tension is running high between the brothers. Their inability to get along causes problems for Bobby so he orders them to get help or get gone. Working through their problems is more complicated than they thought, and their therapist isn’t who she seems.
Session 16
“In our last session, you mentioned you were attempting to immerse yourself in human culture in order to be better informed. How’s that going for you?”
Cas cocks his head to the side for a moment before blinking. “In some aspects, very well. Dean has said on a number of occasions that I would make a good short-order cook at a diner. I’m inferring from his comments that he is pleased with my progress in cooking. Sam has thanked me numerous times for taking over laundry duty for us all.”
“These are things you enjoy?”
“I understand, for most humans, cooking and laundry are things to be avoided, but I find them relaxing. There’s something satisfying about mixing ingredients to make a good meal, or leaving the motel with a bag full of dirty clothing and coming back with clean things put in their place,” Cas shrugs. “I like it. It’s not complicated.”
“Okay,” Dora smiles. “So what are some things you’re struggling with?”
“Relationships,” Cas says immediately, almost like he’s been waiting to bring it up. “I have discussed this with Sam and Dean, and they felt as though I should seek a female’s advice on the topic. You are the only woman I feel comfortable with bringing this to, so I was hoping we might spend our time today discussing intimacy.”
“You mean sex?”
“I don’t understand sex,” Cas huffs. “I’m at a loss as to what the human preoccupation with physical gratification is as a whole, much less the urge to want to touch another body as closely as it would be required to perform an act of sex.”
“You’ve put a lot of thought into this,” Dora comments. “Why?”
“Humans place such a great deal of importance on it,” Cas says as he leans forward. “I want to experience humanity. I want to know why that urge is so strong. I want to feel it.” Cas sighs. “It sounds wonderful, to fall in love. I would like to feel something so warm.”
“You think it would be a good feeling,” Dora nods. “You’ve not had many of those.”
“Exactly,” Cas says as he sits up straighter. “I want to learn more about these ‘good’ feelings.”
“Where did you get your impression of what being in love was like?”
“Well, Dean was of no help,” Cas shrugs. “He usually tells me to speak with Sam. I did that, and spoke to Bobby as well, as they both have very fond memories of those that they have loved and lost.”
“You said Dean was of no help. What did you mean by that?”
“Dean seems to think I have made some kind of connection with a demon named Meg. He teases me about her and our interactions mercilessly,” Cas huffs. “I prefer to avoid speaking to him about romantic matters. His advice leans more toward telling to me ‘get it out of my system’ or ‘clean the pipes.’ Neither of those suggestions are helpful.”
“Why would he think you have an interest in a demon?”
“Because I kissed her,” Cas admits as he shifts in his seat.
“Why would you do that?”
“Honestly?” Cas asks. At Dora’s nod he says, “To prove a point. She had once told me I was impotent. I was upset by that. When we met again, I took the opportunity to show her she was incorrect.”
“By kissing her,” Dora raises an eyebrow.
“She kissed me first,” Cas says petulantly.
“And there’s nothing, no attraction there?” she presses.
“She’s a demon!” Cas exclaims. “Being so near her was highly disturbing, and not at all pleasing.”
He looks so disgusted she lets it go…for now.
“So what about Dean’s other suggestions?” she asks. “Why ignore them?”
“You’re suggesting that I masturbate?” Cas asks. “Why?”
“For the same reason all humans do,” Dora snorts. “Because it feels good. Or do it to relieve tension. Whatever the reason you justify it as, Cas. But you’re toying with concepts that you don’t have a good grip on, and that can lead to trouble. My suggestion is, prior to leaping into a romantic affair that likely will include physical intimacy, you should explore what makes you feel good. That way, you’ll at least be prepared for the effect someone else’s touch might have on you.”
“I’m not…sure how,” Cas flushes. “I know enough to know that I can’t ask Dean or Sam about this.”
“Take it slow,” she answers. “Don’t be embarrassed, but do it in a place you’re sure is private. Try to relax and do some research, don’t rush it. Check out the internet and see if there’s something you want to try out.”
“I can do that,” Cas murmurs.
*****
He’s still distracted by the idea when he wanders back into Bobby’s house after his appointment.
“Rough session?” Sam asks as Cas sits down at the table a little bit dazed.
“I’ve been given homework for the first time,” Cas sighs. “It’s a complicated assignment. I will need to use your laptop at some point for research, if that’s okay?”
“Sure, man,” Sam shrugs. “No problem. What do you need to research? Maybe we can help.”
“Yeah,” Dean says from the couch. “If it’s that complicated, maybe it can be a team effort.”
“I’m supposed to educate myself on matters of self-pleasure, and then practice until I find what pleases me the most,” Cas deadpans as the brothers turn to him with wide eyes.
“What the fuck?” Dean gasps out. “That’s what she gives you for homework? Fuck you, Cas. Why can’t I get homework like that?”
Sam gets up from the table and grabs the car keys. “Get up, Dean,” he orders as he walks over and turns off the television. “We got to go.”
“Where?” Dean asks even as he reaches for his jacket and wallet and follows Sam to the door.
“Best Buy,” Sam grumbles as they head out the door toward the car. “We need to buy Cas his own laptop. No fucking way is he using mind for that.”
Sam turns back just once to look Cas over before saying, “No touching my computer until we get back. And once we get this laptop set up, you are on your own as far as your homework. You got that?”
“Yes,” Cas answers with a solemn nod of his head. “I will wait for you to return.”
The door slams, the engine revs up and the Winchesters drive off into the night.
Bobby steps out of the kitchen and turns to Cas with a grin. “You did good, kid. I owe you a beer.”
“It was mildly amusing,” Cas agrees. “I’m glad I thought to mention it to you first.”
He gets up and starts walking toward the steps.
“Where are you going?” Bobby asks as Cas strolls upstairs.
“To mess up the sheets on Sam and Dean’s beds,” Cas says over his shoulder. “I assume this would be an appropriate time for a prank.”
As he rounds the corner the angel hears Bobby laughing harder than he thinks he ever has.
“You got class, Cas,” Bobby shouts. “You got class.”
Session 17
“Tell me about Sam.”
Dean freezes halfway into smiling as he sits down. “I thought you said I couldn’t talk about my brother.”
“I did,” Dora agrees. “Back in the beginning, when it was all you wanted to talk about. But you’ve made some leaps and bounds since then. It’s time to take a look at what still needs work in your relationship.”
Dean swallows. “I need a second.”
“Take as long as you want.”
The minutes tick by.
“I never thought he was a burden,” Dean starts what feels to him like several long minutes later. “Even when he was a baby or learning how to walk, and my childhood was eaten away with feeding and changing him or giving him a bath. I don’t regret that. My dad had this thing about me learning responsibility as a man. He never figured out I had learned all about responsibility when I was kid, raising my little brother.”
He pauses before adding, “I wish I had done a better job.”
He swallows and swipes at his face with his hand.
“In my head, I guess I thought we would always be a team,” Dean’s face twists into something like a sad smile. “Sam had different ideas. He wanted out. He wanted a real life, and if I had paid more attention to that, I would have made up some kind of plan to make sure we got him what he needed…gotten what we all needed…without losing each other. But instead, I had my head shoved so far up Dad’s ass….when Sam said he was going to Stanford,” Dean shakes his head. “I was so fucking angry at him for leaving me that I couldn’t see straight. I wasted two years without him, and they were the worst years of my life before I went to Hell. I’m not good without Sam. I survive, but I don’t really live.”
He looks at her for a moment. “I don’t think I ever forgave him for leaving me. I know it sounds totally stupid now, when I look back over all the other shit I was willing to overlook when we were together. But there’s this part of me that fears being left behind more than anything else in the world, and Sam left me. He’s left me a couple of times now, and I don’t trust him to not do it again. So my guard is always up and I shove him and push at him because I’m sick enough to think sometimes that if I’m the one to make him leave then it will hurt me less.”
“It’s easier for you to blame yourself for his choices than to admit he made the wrong ones,” Dora comments.
He flinches. “Yeah,” Dean whispers. “I’m learning I’m more comfortable in the world when everything is my fault.
“When Sam died I didn’t even hesitate, really. I sold my soul so fast I think the demons weren’t sure if they should party or not. Then I lied to him. I still do that shit, too. Bad stuff happens and I automatically revert to treating Sam like a five year old. I know he hates it too, and it ends up just making up both feel like crap, but I can’t stop it. When I died, the last thing I thought about when those damn dogs came for me was that Bobby was there, so Sam wouldn’t be alone. I worried about him up until the last possible second. I worried about him in Hell, when they left me alone long enough to stop screaming.”
“And when you got back?”
“Ruby and Sam,” Dean snorts. “You know why I hate her so much? Aside from the now really-obvious manipulation of the person I care about most in the world? I was jealous. Flat out. I come back from Hell, and Sam has a new BFF and she’s all smug about it and he’s treating me like I’m freaking Dad, for fuck’s sake. I hate it when Sam starts acting like I’m our father. He was never happy when he was with Dad, and the thought that I make him just as miserable makes me want to pull all my teeth out and punch him in the gut.
“You know what the worst part is?” Dean asks before continuing on without waiting for Dora to answer. “The worst part is that, even when I want to, when I want to so bad it makes my heart ache, I can never say what I want to say to my brother. I think it, and it gets stuck in my fucking throat. I just want to be able to talk to him without all the bullshit I usually throw at him. He’s been waiting since, like, two weeks after we started these sessions for me to tell him I love him. I can see it in the way he acts around me, and I want to tell him. I want to just blurt it out there because I do. I love him. He’s my little brother. Why the hell can’t I just say it?”
Dean slumps back into his chair, exhausted.
*****
It’s not very big. Dean’s pretty sure he can buff it back at Bobby’s house when they get done with the job.
Sam’s standing behind him frozen, waiting for the melt down that Dean knows he’s trained him to expect.
“You scratched the Impala,” Dean says levelly.
“It was an accident,” Sam blurts, the words coming out rushed and slightly panicked. “I should have been more careful. I’ll get her fixed. I’ll do it today, if you want. Dean, I’m sorry. I know I’m a fuck-up, but look, it’s fixable, and when it’s gone, you’ll never even know it was there.”
That whole emotional honesty thing Dora’s been making them practice is painful, but Dean thinks for Sam, at least, it might be paying off. Six months ago his brother would have looked at it, shrugged and told Dean he was being a baby. Sam loves the Impala, but not like Dean loves her. The worry in his brother’s posture isn’t about the car. Dean’s aware enough to know Sam’s afraid this incident is going to ruin the two weeks of relative peace they’ve had together.
Dean’s a little worried it is, too. They had been actually having a really good time hanging out.
“You want me to call Cas?” Sam asks hesitantly when Dean doesn’t respond.
That snaps him out of it. “To fix the car?” Dean blurts. “Dude, Cas has been at Bobby’s house for three weeks translating all the ancient texts he’s managed to find into something we can actually read. He’s got, like, three left, and he’s tired. If we interrupt him now to come fix a scratch on the car, our baby will end up soaking in a volcano. No fucking way.”
Sam blinks at him for a moment before a sappy looking smile starts creeping across his face.
“Oh, hell,” Dean groans. “What are you looking at me like that for? Stop it, it’s creepy.”
“You called her our car,” Sam says happily. Dean grins a little at the look of pride on Sam’s face.
“She is our car, Sam,” Dean sighs with a shake of his head. “We’re a team.”
“Yeah,” Sam nods. “We are.”
Dean looks back at the scratch on the door of the Impala, and feels something finally click inside his head. “I love this car, Sammy.”
“I know,” Sam breathes out. “I’m sorry.”
“Not the point,” Dean interrupts with a shake of his head. “I was trying to tell you that I love this car, but I love you more.”
There’s silence behind him, and Dean’s just starting to get concerned enough to turn around and check on his brother when two extra-long arms wrap around his middle, and he’s lifted up off the ground.
“Fuck, Sammy!” Dean exclaims as Sam swings him around in a circle. “Put me down, Sasquatch!”
He gets his feet back on the ground a moment later, but Sam still holds on. Dean struggles just enough to make it look like he wants to be let go, even though he doesn’t really care all that much. He’s relieved, and Sam is obviously ecstatic. Dean’s done a good thing here, and it wasn’t so hard. In fact, it wasn’t really that difficult at all. He feels Sam’s head press against the back of his for a second while Sam whispers, “Thank you.”
“Whatever, dude,” Dean finally snorts. “Get off me.”
They go out for coffee. Dean buys Sam a pumpkin scone.
It’s not pie, but it’s a start.
Session 18
“Tell me about Dean.”
Sam blinks. “Wow. We must be making serious progress if you want me to talk about my brother.”
“Sam,” Dora sighs. “We’ve covered a lot of ground. It’s time to start putting the pieces back together and check to see if they still fit.”
“He told me he loves me,” Sam says quietly. “No one was dying, or anything. I thought I was going to pass out. He just said it like it was no big deal.”
“That’s a big moment for you,” Dora comments. “Was it worth the wait?”
Sam’s smile could melt glaciers. “Yeah. It was great.” He nods before turning his head to the side and picking at his nails. “I spent a lot of my childhood pissed off at my dad about Dean. I was mad at him for taking away Dean’s right to be a kid by making him take care of me. Then I spent the other half of my time pissed off at Dean for being the favorite. I never thought my dad liked me. I never thought I measured up as well as Dean did. I don’t think I ever took the time to think about what kind of impact that had on Dean. But this buzzer thing you’ve had us do? It’s a real slap in the face. Dean’s been torn up about being stuck between me and Dad his whole life. I didn’t make things easier on him at all. You were right when you said I was selfish.”
He sighs, “The funny thing is that, ever since Dad died, I sort of see Dean in his role. I mean, more and more often before we started coming here, I would look across the bench seat at my brother and see my dad sitting behind the wheel. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. I never wanted to get away from Dean, I wanted to get away from Dad. I wanted to keep my brother from becoming my father, and it happened anyway. I forget sometimes that Dean never wanted this life, either.”
“So when you went to Hell, you tried to give him an out,” Dora says.
“Yeah,” Sam snorts. “And I made him even more miserable for a year, and then I showed up with no soul and drug him right back out of the normal life I forced him into. There are times recently when it’s finally starting to hit me, my brother would do anything for me. I mean, anything, and that scares the shit out of me. I’m not sure I’m capable of that level of devotion, and if he expects it of me, I’m going to keep right on letting him down.
“There’s so much distance between us,” Sam shifts in his seat. “Like the Grand Canyon, sitting there in the middle of our relationship, and we act like neither of us knows it’s there. I want to be brave enough to look at it, you know? I want to be able to stare into the chasm, and work my way through it. I want my brother back.” Sam pauses. “So yeah, maybe my priorities are changing. The more I think about what I want, the less I want to prove anything to anyone. Right now, I just want to grab hold of what I have, and not lose it. I want to take this messed-up relationship I have with Dean and make it something good, something we both enjoy. I’m starting to see it now, the way we could be. I just have no idea how to get from here to there.”
*****
“You’re thinking very hard,” Cas comments as he sits down next to Sam on a broken down car in the lot at Bobby’s place.
“I have a lot on my mind,” Sam snorts.
“Can I help?” Cas offers.
Sam swipes a hand across his face. “I wouldn’t even know what to ask you to do.”
“I can listen,” Cas responds as he settles more firmly into a spot on the car.
“You can’t possibly want to hear me whine about my brother any more than you already have,” Sam challenges. “I mean, I know you’re an angel and you maybe have some special ability when it comes to tolerating our bullshit, but that’s just too much, Cas.”
The angel laughs. It makes Sam smile for the first time all day.
“You and Dean can be tedious,” Cas admits. “But you’re my friends, part of my new family. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
Sam stifles the urge to hug him.
“I don’t know how to fix things with Dean,” Sam admits quietly. “I want to fix them, but I can’t figure out how to do it on my own.”
He looks over at Cas, who has this weird, almost self-depreciating half grin on his face.
“I think you’re missing the point, Sam,” Cas finally says.
“What?”
“You can’t fix things between you and Dean on your own,” Cas says with a dip of his head. “Trust me, I have tried and tried to do that.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?” Sam snaps, exasperated.
“Ask your brother to help you,” Cas answers calmly and watches as Sam deflates against the car they’re using as seating.
“I never thought of that,” Sam breathes. “I’m an idiot.”
“Occasionally,” Cas says teasingly. “But you have a good heart, Sam. I’m proud to call you my friend.”
He’s sliding off the car to head back to the house when Sam says, “I was jealous of you and Dean.”
“I know,” Cas answers. “It was never my intent to make you feel left out.”
“I’m not jealous anymore,” Sam adds with a squeeze to the angel’s upper arm. “I’m sorry I was an ass sometimes. I’m sorry for threatening to hurt you when I didn’t have a soul. I’m glad you’re here with us, Cas. It means a lot, you mean a lot. You’re family. So, you know, if you never work things out with your brothers up there, I just want you to know you’ll always have us.”
They smile at each other before Cas tugs Sam up and comments, “You’ll be interested in what I found in one of the texts I was translating. It has to do with our therapist.”
Sam barely holds himself back from running his friend over to get back to the house quicker. It’s a close thing.
Session 19
“Do we have to sit looking at each other?” Dean complains as he squirms and makes a face at Sam, who’s stuck looking right back at him.
“Well, you’re not going to be talking to me, so I sort of thought it might be appropriate,” Dora snarks.
“That’s a yes, then,” Sam sighs and rolls his eyes. “She’s grumpy today.”
Dean kicks at his foot in warning, but Dora laughs.
“Time to put your cards on the table, gentlemen,” she comments. “You both have some things you said you wanted to tell each other, so I’m giving you this opportunity. Don’t waste it.”
Nothing happens.
Dean doesn’t think there’s been such a lack of talking in this room for them since the beginning. Sam’s looking at the picture on the wall behind Dean’s head and he’s repeating the words to Enter Sandman over and over silently in his mind.
“Just so we’re clear, here,” Dora sighs. “You only have 45 more minutes to do this. I have a three o’clock.”
“Shit,” Dean groans. “Fine, I’ll go first.” He turns to look at Sam, who blinks back at him with this look on his face that Dean’s only seen when Sam was heading off to face the Devil.
“I don’t want to be Dad with you anymore,” Dean announces. “I don’t like it. I’m not good at it, and I think you hate it, too. I make decisions for the both of us, and I’m trying to stop that. But half the time, I only do it because I’m afraid if something goes wrong, you’ll think it’s all your fault, and you feel so guilty about everything already, I can’t handle the thought of you hating yourself more than you already do. I would rather you blame me.”
“Okay,” Sam says slowly, like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do.
“Just let him talk,” Dora instructs him, and then they’re both looking at Dean again.
He rolls his eyes and clenches his hands into fists in his lap. “I lied to you when you were leaving to face off with Lucifer and asked me if I remembered when we just hunted together. I remember, and I miss it so bad it hurts, sometimes. You liked me then, you liked you then, and I want to go back to that feeling of just being family and enjoying being together that we used to have, but I don’t know how to get there without some help from you. You know how shitty I am at asking for help.”
Dean turns to Dora, who nods and looks at Sam saying, “Your turn, big guy.”
Sam puff out a breath before saying, “I always felt like I was in the way with you and Dad. Like a third wheel that caused problems and kept you from being able to do the things you needed and wanted to do. I never fit in. A lot of my life with Dad was focused on being a disappointment because I wanted different things than he wanted for me. Looking back, I understand he was trying to get us ready for this mess, but I’m still not sure it was the right thing to do. I don’t want you to be Dad. I always had a hard time with Dad. I want you to be you. I love you. I had fun with you. We were a team, and I want that back as much as you do.”
“I can do that,” Dean interrupts. “I can try to do that.”
“Okay,” Sam says as he shifts. “I lied to you a lot. I’m sorry. I know I’ve said it before, but I really need you to hear me on this. I’m sorry for Ruby, and I’m sorry for the blood, and for the thousand other things I lied about that made things harder for you and made you not trust me. I’m working really hard to be honest with you now. So just give me a chance. It’s getting easier. I just don’t want you to be disappointed in me the way Dad was. I know I’ve made a bunch of horrible mistakes, but I want you to like what you see when you see me. You’re my brother, my blood, and your opinion of me counts more than you know.”
“Tell Dean what you need from him,” Dora presses.
“I need you to trust me,” Sam says immediately. “I know I have to earn that, but I need you to give me a chance. I need you to treat me like an equal, and let me make some of the calls. We need to be a team. You don’t have to strong-arm me into working with you. I want to be here.”
“What about you, Dean?” Dora asks.
“I need you to tell me the truth,” Dean snorts. “So we’re on the same page there. I’ll work on not acting like your parent. I need you to not leave again-I can’t handle worrying about you getting fed up and checking out on me. I need some commitment, as fucked up as that sounds coming out of my mouth.”
“You got it,” Sam answers immediately. “I can do that.”
There’s a beat of silence before Dora claps her hands together and says, “Wonderful! Put a fork in you, boys, because you are done! Good job.”
“That’s it?” Dean asks.
“Yes,” Dora answers with a smile. “You don’t need me anymore. But if you do, keep my card and you know how to find me.”
“Okay,” Sam says slowly. “Well thanks so much for the help…Pandora.”
They wait for a big reaction, they don’t get one.
She rolls her eyes. “You boys just can’t leave well enough alone, can you?”
“It was Cas, actually,” Dean chuckles, “He said to say ‘hi’ by the way.”
“So is this the part where you break out the holy-oil-soaked olive branch and try to end me?” Pandora says as though she’s bored and disappointed.
“Nope,” Sam snorts. “This is the part where we say thanks.”
“What?” she blurts.
“You helped us,” Dean shrugs. “We just want to know why.”
For a moment, it’s like she’s not going to answer.
Dora has a far-away look as she says softly “A very, very, long time ago when I was foolish and young, I made a terrible mistake that had long term consequences for me, and for the world. I’ve spent the rest of my life trying to correct it in any way that I can.”
“Unless people refuse to pay you,” Dean counters with his eyebrow raised. “Then you skin them?”
Dora regards him silently for a minute before answering, “A girl’s got to eat, Dean. Remember, I’m not human. I was created by the Gods you now hunt as monsters. My ethics are my own. Don’t mistake my grief and shame at my own failings. I’m a threat if I need to be, and I don’t answer to your morality.”
“We get it,” Sam says as he gets to his feet. “Thank you for all your help.”
“You are very welcome, Sam,” she smiles as she reaches out to hug him. “And you too, Dean.”
Sam hesitates, hands held up in front of his chest with his palms out. “No offense, but I’m reserving all hugs for family members right now.”
She steps backwards with a grin, “Boundaries are never a bad thing.”
“You know what’s funny,” Dean says as they head to toward the door. “Cas said no one’s heard anything from Raphael in a few months, some stupid story about him busting into a demon’s counseling session and disappearing. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”
“I haven’t a clue,” she grins. “Though, if I did, it would be entirely confidential.”
“That’s what we thought you would say,” Dean smiles. “See you around.”
“Boys,” she calls out as they head out into the lobby. “Remember something for me, okay?”
“Sure,” Sam says as he turns.
“Evil shouts most of the time,” Pandora tells them. “Hope whispers. Sometimes you have to listen really hard to hear it, but it’s worth listening to, I swear.”
“We got it,” Dean answers. “Finally.”
He stumbles to a stop when he sees Death sitting in the lobby. “What are you doing here?” Dean blurts, torn between wanting to run and wanting to protect Pandora.
“Sir,” the secretary says as she leans over the huge desk. “Dora will see you now. It’s time for your appointment.”
Death glares at them on his way by, and Dean stumbles out of the office door and back into the downtown of Chicago while he’s still stunned.
“So what do we do, now?” Sam asks as he shoves his hands into his pockets.
“I’m hungry,” Dean comments. “You want pizza?”
Sam grins. “Pizza sounds good.”
Dean tosses Sam the keys as they head to the Impala. “I know this great place. Let’s see if they replaced the staff by now.”