Star Warts: Blemishes on alleged cinematic perfection
Okie... in a previous post, I mentioned how it's generally accepted that people shouldn't make fun of groups to which they do not belong - Catholics mocking Muslims, Chevy drivers mocking Ford drivers, everybody mocking Jews, etc. (It happens anyway, but it's supposed to be thought of as bad behavior.) I mentioned this because I made a little joke about the Pope. Now, nobody told me I made them uncomfortable with that post (it wasn't at all derogotory anyway), so that's not what this is about. But this time, I'm going to mock Star Wars, and I feel I'm entitled to do so - not because I'm a big SW fan, because I'm not. But I used to be.
When Star Wars came out (and here I'm NOT talking about Episode IV: A New Hope - I'm talking about the movie that was called Star Wars and nothing else) in the summer of 1977, I was eleven and a half years old. I stood in huge lines to buy tickets, for what may have been one of the first movies to have huge ticket-buying lines. I saw it 7 1/2 times in the theatre (I came in in the middle of one showing once). I even had Star Wars BEDSHEETS, no lie. I had tons of SW collectibles that'd be worth a small fortune on eBay today, if it weren't for the fact that Luca$'$ department of marketing is $aturating the $tore$ with $uch an immen$e flood of $tuff that it makes Noah's forty days and forty nights of rain look like a spring drizzle.
Bottom line: I LOVED Star Wars. It was my favorite movie for ages. What I asked for as a present for my high school graduation (Class of '83) was simply to go and see Return of the Jedi.
Now, some people think Episodes 4-6 are pure gold (hence the term "The Holy Trilogy"), and the rest of it has been something of a disappointment. Me, I was a touch disappointed when Empire came out in 1980. Oh, I didn't understand *why* I was disappointed - I was only 14 at the time - and I was still wowed by the special effects and stuff, of course. But there was something that bothered me about it. Same thing happened again when Jedi came out, and still I didn't immediately know why. But over time, I figured it out.
It was no longer about the purity of the story. Now it was about $elling the mo$t ticket$ and the mo$t a$$ociated $tar War$ merchandi$e possible.
The characters in the original film were like real people. They were believable, at least within the context of the sci-fi framework. But have you ever noticed how the characters became twice as big in the next two films? Luke becomes more immature and impetuous, simply so he can grow mature again over the next two films:
Luke, ep. 4: "Come on, why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you - you're turning your back on them."
Luke, ep. 5: "I don't even know what I'm DOING here! We're wasting our time!"
-Han becomes more stupid and arrogant:
Han Solo, ep. 4: "Kid, I've flown from one side of the galaxy to the other; I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's an all-powerful force controlling... EVERYTHING."
Han Solo, ep. 6: "Then we'll do it real quiet-like. [Duh.]"
-Threepio becomes more high-pitched, whiny, and effeminate. Don't ask me to dredge up quotes from him, because thinking about it gives me a headache.
-Vader becomes more feared and impressive. People actually gave Vader attitude in the first movie:
Imperial officer, Ep. 4: "Holding her is dangerous! If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the Senate!" "She'll die before she'll tell you anything!" (Note: this guy didn't even call him 'sir,' let alone 'milord.' I get more respect from waiters.)
A different Imperial Officer, ep. 4: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes..." (Note: Sure, this guy got force-choked for his cheek, but he had managed to get a high-ranking officer's position on the Death Star, presumably with a reasonable amount of contact with Vader on the way, and wasn't afraid to talk down to him.)
... contrast that with this:
Any Imperial Officer facing Vader under any circumstances whatsoever, ep. 5-6: (stammers, wets pants)
Even the Force itself became bigger over the course of the films. In Empire, it's powerful enough that Luke and Vader can not only sense each other, but TALK TO each other while on separate starships; in Ep. 4, Vader can stand outside the Millenium Falcon, which contained both Obi-wan AND Luke, with just a vague sense that Obi-Wan was there. Furthermore, Vader was in the same room as his daughter several times on the Death Star, and neither of them seemed to be aware of the family relationship, nor did Vader ever say anything like "the Force is strong with this one!"
So why did everyone become so exaggerated? Why did the characters become caricatures? Simple: so anyone over the age of 4 can recognize them by their bigger-than-life characteristics. The more of the 5-7 year-old market segment that connects with the movies, the more toys they sell. It's that simple. Star Wars fans who were enraptured by the original movie took the later films as serious artistic works rather than children's movies; they managed to completely overlook (or at least forgive) the fact that they were being talked down to. I never did.
You don't believe your intelligence is being insulted? Ask yourself exactly *why* Greedo shot first in the re-released version of Ep.4. Ignore the fact that we're expected to believe that Greedo, an experienced bounty hunter, managed to miss a stationary target from a range of barely three whole feet after having already had his gun trained on the target for the previous two minutes (and if you believe that, you probably believe pro wrestling is real), and address the fact that they didn't want Han Solo to shoot first, because shooting first would make *him* a Bad Guy.
NOW, you should be getting a sense for the age of the *real* target audience here.
It has been observed in the very entertaining Abridged scripts (with many thanks to EtCet for the link) for the various SW movies that Lucas didn't really have a clear idea what happened in the other movies when he was making any given one. Nowhere is this more obvious than in the differences between Ep.4 and the others. That whole nonsense about Vader being Luke's father after Obi-Wan told him flat out that Vader "betrayed and murdered" Anakin Skywalker particularly bugs me. Obi-Wan's feeble explanation of this in ROTJ: "... when that happened, the good man who was Anakin Skywalker was destroyed. So what I told you is true... from a certain point of view (hedge, hedge)." There's more fudging there than in the whole of Wonka's factory. (Some less-gifted Harry Potter fans even talk about how Voldemort might really be Harry's father. Don't even go there. This is no longer a plot twist, it's an Oliver Twist. This idea has been around since Charles Bleeding DICKENS.)
It's almost like there're no efforts to maintain continuity. If a lightsabre can penetrate just about anything besides another lightsabre (viz. ep. 1 - Qui-Gon uses his sabre to attempt to cut through the shielded blast doors on the bridge of the Trade Federation starship, penetrating solid hardened metal a meter thick), why is it that, in the SAME MOVIE, Darth Maul can use his SabreStaff to pole-vault without melting a hole in the floor and landing on his side?
And speaking of the Neimoidians (the Trade Federation aliens with the evil Japanese accents): if YOU were preparing to build an empire, maybe your representatives should be a little less... utterly retarded. Have you noticed that virtually everything they say is proven wrong, usually pretty much immediately?
- (facing the chamber with two Jedi, whom they've just gassed) "They MUST be dead now!" (One second later, two lightsabres ignite. Don't they know that Jedi won't be obscenely easy to slaughter for another two movies yet? Speaking of which... why IS it that all the Jedi were suddenly so embarrassingly easy to wipe out? They can't ALL have been daydreaming about sex at the same time.)
- (On the bridge) "They will never get through!" (Qui-Gon pokes his sabre through the blast doors.) "They're coming through!"
... if I were a prospective evil emperor, I wouldn't put these knuckleheads in charge of a lemonade stand, let alone a politically significant fleet flagship.
And how about the so-called romance between Anakin and Padme? Am I the only one who thought the scene of them rolling around in the grass on Padme's private planet was a little creepy? The Forcing was strong in this scene. But even that was better than this scene in Ep. 2:
Anakin: "I killed the sandpeople. And not just the men - the women and the children too! I slaughtered them like animals! And I ENJOYED IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Padme: (pats Anakin on back) "Well, that's okay. You're only human." This, after having looked completely revolted by his previous utterance. Why should I expect them to maintain continuity between episodes when one character can't even be consistent with herself in one scene?!
But for sheer hypocrisy, you can't beat Obi-Wan's line from ep. 3: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes!"
Pardon me: "ONLY" a Sith? Isn't *that* an absolute, Master Obi-Wan? ... or perhaps I should call you... DARTH BEN?
I'm sorry, George Luca$. I've tried to continue liking the series, and I cannot.
I find my lack of faith disturbing.