andante again (2/3)
Standing in front of Baekhyun and Sehun’s home, it was only then that Chanyeol realized they’ve been here numerous times but were never invited in. Looking back, it wasn’t like there were any opportunities for those types of formalities either. Jongin rang the doorbell and after a few seconds, a familiar voice echoed from behind the door, making Chanyeol’s heart skip a beat. The door opened slowly and Baekhyun greeted them with a bright smile. And expectedly, Jon Snow came dashing towards the terrace barking after spotting the strangers.
“Such a warm welcome.” Jongin said, making Baekhyun laugh. Baekhyun bent down and picked up Jon Snow in his arms, in which the husky immediately calmed down.
“Come on in.” Baekhyun said, tilting his head.
Jongin nodded and was about to walk in with Baekhyun yelling in the background for Sehun to come down, when he noticed Chanyeol spacing out beside him. He sighed. “Stare at your heart’s content, hyung.”
Chanyeol turned to him. “What? What did you say?”
Jongin shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing.” He replied as he walked in. Spacing out at the sight of Baekhyun in casual clothes--Chanyeol is actually too predictable. It made Jongin cry how Chanyeol had an IQ of a genius but the heart of a high schooler.
“Your parents here?”
“No. They’re both at work. They won’t be home until dinner.”
Chanyeol immediately went to follow Jongin who was trailing behind Baekyun towards the kitchen, but as soon as he passed by the entrance to the living room, he stopped. It was spacious and clean, but what caught his interest were the framed album covers of bands and singers on the walls. It was everywhere, filling the whole four corners. There were even a few of them on the walls of the hallway. He walked inside to get a better view. On the wall adjacent to his position, different kinds of electric and acoustic guitars were hung beautifully. It was obvious how often they were used and how well they were taken care of. At the corner stood an organ piano. He can only imagine how Baekhyun’s family values music.
“Do you like it?”
Chanyeol almost jumped in surprised when Baekhyun suddenly spoke beside him. Baekhyun chuckled at his reaction and Chanyeol immediately composed himself. “It’s nice.”
“They’re the singers and bands my parents really like,” Baekhyun said, circling around him and pulling him inside. “As you can see, they really have a wide range of genre.”
It’s true. Chanyeol noticed how randomly these were put together. From singers like New Order, to Blondie, to the Outfield, even Queen. “Which one’s their favorite?”
“They don’t have favorite singers,” Baekhyun answered. “But they do have a favorite song. Let’s see...” He looked around until he finally spotted what he was looking for. “There!” He exclaimed as he skipped towards a particular framed album. “Kenny Rogers. Islands in the Stream. They sang it a lot when we were kids.”
“How about yours?”
Baekhyun gave him a look. “My favorite song?” He started to speak, but was unfortunately interrupted by Sehun who called them by the entryway.
“Are you gonna keep touring him around the living room or what?”
“Stop speaking like that towards your teacher.” Baekhyun chided while chuckling. Sehun stared at Chanyeol for a few seconds before murmuring a ‘sorry’ with his usual poker face, and made his way to the stairs. Baekhyun sighed and turned back to Chanyeol. “I heard them talking about playing basketball later so I think they want to finish as early as possible.”
“Basketball?” Chanyeol asked to clarify as he followed Baekhyun to the stairs.
“Yeah, we have a court in the backyard.” Baekhyun noticed Chanyeol’s meek response. “You just thought about joining them, didn’t you?”
“Was it that obvious?”
“It was written all over your face.”
Chanyeol clicked his tongue in spite. “Damn it. I never can control the letters on my face.”
“How unfortunate.” Baekhyun said, pouting.
“I know. I tried though.”
Baekhyun’s laugh echoed around him as they made their way to the second floor. Baekhyun mentioned that they’ll be using his room since Sehun’s room was too messy. And although that piece of information is trivial for others, Chanyeol couldn’t help but ponder about it and he felt a weird sense of excitement.
When they arrived, Sehun and Jongin were already inside the room, comfortably sitting on the floor. There was a small table in the middle, already filled with snacks and unnecessary magazines. Baekhyun sighed at the sight of how messy his room had become in such a short time.
Chanyeol’s attention though was immediately drawn towards the surroundings like a magnet. Baekhyun’s room was simple, with enough space and decoration. There were polaroids pinned on the wall along with random cut magazine pages. His bed had enough amount of plushies, which Chanyeol found adorable. A shelf full of books and CDs took the most space in the room. Baekyun scolding Sehun in the background distracted him and Chanyeol immediately went to find a spot for himself before Baekhyun noticed him being overly curious about his room.
And after a few more rounds of bickering and scolding, Chanyeol finally took the initiative to start their study session.
--
Two hours passed before Sehun finally started complaining about needing a break. Chanyeol sighed and ended up agreeing, seeing how Sehun was probably not gonna stop whining until he got what he wanted. He and Jongin quietly made their way downstairs, careful not to wake Baekhyun who fell into deep sleep not too long ago.
With the other two gone and the silence slowly filling the room, Chanyeol’s attention was fixated on the sleeping boy. Baekhyun looked so vulnerable, like every other human being when asleep, but Chanyeol felt a weird sense of protectiveness as he stared at his sleeping figure. Chanyeol sighed and rested his head on the table, staring at Baekhyun’s sleeping face. He could almost hear his breathing with the silence. Eventually his attention was shifted onto the smaller’s lips, and then his nose, and then his perfect eyelids and eyelashes and then his fringe that covered his forehead. Chanyeol suddenly felt an urge to brush Baekhyun’s fringe away so he could get a perfect picture of Baekhyun’s sleeping face but decided against it. He sat back up straight, trying to find a distraction.
He spotted a guitar leaning at the corner, beside Baekhyun’s study table. Chanyeol leaned forward to grab it, his long arms giving him an advantage, and carefully set it on his lap. He moved away from the table for more space and ended up facing the window with his back turned to the table. He strummed the guitar, the sound giving him a nostalgic feeling. He claimed he loves music but he has actually been neglecting it and now he felt guilty being in a household that valued music as much as humans value life.
After tuning the guitar, he continuously strummed with his fingers, at first just to get rid of that nostalgic feeling until eventually he started strumming to an old and familiar song. It was a simple song. He closed his eyes as he hummed to the tune, trying to remember the lyrics, as his fingers continue to dance. “...think about time..ah.” He murmured, stuttering to find the missing words, until he was eventually able fill in the missing lyrics. And so he started again, this time perfectly. “I think about life, and oh how it changes so fast,”
“And oh how it's so hard to last here waiting for something to give,”
“I think about time, a luxury so hard to find,”
“And I just can't figure out why I wasted it all here without you,”
He was never the type who expressed his feelings so openly and thus songs help him get those feelings out of his system. Although it was something to be thankful of, he felt a rather obvious pang in his chest along with the reminder of how painful this whole thing was going to be for him.
“But I'll be fine, and oh don't you worry,”
“Cause I'll be fine, see I'm in a hurry to be,”
“Gone away awhile,” Baekhyun slowly awakened behind him, blinking his eyes open to the unfamiliar tune. “Tell me all the things that I, I'll be missing here in this old life man cause I just don't know,” He stared at Chanyeol’s slightly slouched back and remained at rest as Chanyeol continued, unaware of his audience. “I think about you, and all the times that we shared,”
“And oh what a wonderful pair we made made it so far, here we go again,”
“I think about love, and oh what a beautiful song,” Baekhyun slowly closed his eyes, smiling “And oh how it need to be sung here, sing it so loud all the world can hear,” Baekhyun wondered as he listened, what could be in Chanyeol’s mind while softly singing those words. Something so beautiful can only be expressed by the ones aware of the feeling of being deprived of something as equally beautiful.
Baekhyun sat up straight as Chanyeol finished the song. He expected the taller to notice his presence but instead, he found Chanyeol staring out the window, in deep silence, as if he was reminded of something he has long forgotten, or of something that was taken away from him. Baekhyun couldn’t see his face but even from the back, he could see how sad he was.
What could be the reason?
As he pondered on the thought, he failed to notice Chanyeol turning to him, checking up on him. “You’re awake.”
“Hey,” Baekhyun said, smiling in delay.
“Sorry, did I wake you?”
“It’s not bad waking up to something like that.” As Baekhyun said so, he noticed Chanyeol turning red. “That was a nice performance.”
“I’m honored,” Chanyeol replied, playing along. “Sorry I took it without permission.”
“It’s okay. I think it’s lonely anyway.”
“Why?” Chanyeol asked, carefully placing the guitar back on its spot.
“I wanted to learn how to play the guitar so I bought one but ever since getting admitted to the hospital, I wasn’t able to get back on it.” Baekhyun explained, his disappointment apparent. “And that was 2 years ago.”
“As long as you don’t forget about it I think there isn’t much to feel guilty about.” Chanyeol reassured as he repositioned himself facing the table. “Nobody wants to be forgotten, after all.”
“You’re right. As expected from Professor Park.” Baekhyun teased.
Chanyeol gave him a look in which Baekhyun rebutted with a grin. Sehun and Jongin’s voices then echoed from outside and their attention both shifted towards the door as Sehun and Jongin entered with a bag of milkshakes and brownies.
“Oh, hyung, you’re awake.” Sehun said before sitting beside Baekhyun and taking out a strawberry-flavored milkshake for him. “Here.” Baekhyun mouthed his gratitude before piercing the straw on the cartoned beverage. Noise slowly filled up the room as random conversations sprouted one at a time.
--
Thanks to Chanyeol’s strict tutoring system and Jongin’s cooperation being used to it already, they managed to finish right on schedule even though Sehun nagged about being bored most of the time thus causing delays. Even so, as soon as Chanyeol closed the book, Sehun immediately dashed out the room. Before they knew it, he was already wearing his basketball shoes and dragged Jongin with him downstairs.
“Sorry for making you help.” Baekhyun said, holding a tray, while walking to the kitchen with Chanyeol behind him holding another tray.
“It’s fine. I’m an adult.” Chanyeol replied with a grin.
“I bet you really like saying that.” Baekhyun teased while carefully placing the tray down on the sink with Chanyeol following. He looked out the window when the noise distracted him. Sehun and Jongin seemed to be playing a shooting game with Jon Snow running around them. “You wanna join them?”
“Nah. I think I’ve used up all of my energy trying to get Sehun to memorize formulas.”
Baekhyun laughed at his response and Chanyeol swore if he was a computer, he could get rebooted at full power with the sound of that alone. The phone rang from the living room, interrupting that glorious moment. “If you’re hungry, grab anything you want from the fridge.” Baekhyun told him before skipping out of the kitchen.
Chanyeol, of course, took his word and walked towards the fridge. He grabbed the handle but stopped when he noticed the notes on the fridge. There were a lot. Some of them were reminders but most of them were Baekhyun’s eating schedules. He could tell just by looking at the timelines. He didn’t know if these were still being applied now given that Baekhyun looked fine, but it was still painful to see. The schedule was strict and Chanyeol would hate to think how much Baekhyun must had forced himself to follow it but it knowing was inevitable.
He heard Baekhyun walking back and immediately turned away from the fridge.
“Hey, so, I just got off the phone with my mom and they’ll be home in an hour. Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner? I mean as a thanks for tutoring us.”
“No it’s fine, really.”
“But--”
Chanyeol cut him off with a chuckle. “Don’t worry. I’m confident we’re still gonna have dinner together sometime at some place. Could be Sunday next week, who knows.”
Baekhyun stared at him and chuckled. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
Chanyeol shrugged. “Well, if you badly want a date then...”
Baekhyun then burst into laughter. “You actually pick up dates like this?”
“No. Just you.” Chanyeol said. “So, I’ll pick you up next Sunday at 10, maybe?”
“You really planned this carefully, didn’t you?”
Chanyeol shrugged. “Things just work out, you know?”
Baekhyun shook his head in disbelief before he was reminded of something. “But is it okay? I mean a student and a professor going on a date is kind of...”
“Come on. It’s a Sunday,” Chanyeol said with a grin. “I’m not a professor on Sundays.”
Baekhyun chuckled. “You should put that on a t-shirt.”
“Only if you’ll wear it.”
Baekhyun playfully hit his arm. “Stop it.”
“Could you be any more obvious?” It startled them both seeing Sehun by the door with Jongin grinning behind him but not so much as to feel ashamed about it. Jongin’s proud look kind of helped. “Please, not in the kitchen. It’s sacred.”
“Sorry, hun.” Baekhyun teased. “Need some water?”
“Sure.” Sehun caught the water bottle Baekhyun threw.
“Uh, we should be going,” Chanyeol announced, turning to Jongin. “You good?”
“Yeah, one sec.” Jongin said before gulping down a bottle of water.
Baekhyun walked them to the gate, with Sehun lagging behind them. On the other hand, Jongin made a beeline to their car, probably to cool down with the AC.
“So, next Sunday?” Chanyeol said, giving him an obvious charming look. “10 o’clock?”
Baekhyun chuckled. “You’re really pathetic, you know that?”
“I’m all yours.”
“Ugh,” Baekhyun sighed deeply. “Fine.” Chanyeol stared at him. “Next Sunday. 10 o’clock.”
Chanyeol winked at him before subtly skipping towards his car where Jongin was already waiting impatiently. Baekhyun watched him intently, not realizing that Sehun has taken the spot beside him, doing the same.
“You really like him, don’t you?” Sehun asked.
“He’s interesting.”
“You don’t have to lie to me.”
There was a short pause. “He’s interesting.” Baekhyun reiterated before walking back inside with a smile.
--
It felt as if time had skipped to Sunday, now that Baekhyun had come to the realization as he stood at their meeting place. They settled meeting at 10 o’clock but it’s still 9:30 AM. And no, Baekhyun was not excited or anything, it just so happened that he finished his chores early today. Yeah. Probably. Although, it is kind of embarrassing to arrive 30 minutes earlier than their supposed meeting time, but this could actually work to his advantage. He had time to at least calm his nerves.
“Baekhyun?”
Or not.
Baekhyun froze at that awfully familiar voice. He almost cursed when he turned around. Baekhyun would not openly admit it but Chanyeol was really handsome. Especially now that he’s dressed his age.
“How long have you been waiting?”
“Not long. I just happened to finish errands early today and I didn’t have anything else to do, so...”
Chanyeol clicked his tongue. “And I wanted to get here earlier.” They both laughed then, realizing they arrived at least thirty minutes earlier than the time they agreed on. Then what was the point of that?
Chanyeol cleared his throat and offered his arm. “Well then, let’s have fun, shall we?”
Baekhyun giggled before wrapping his arm around Chanyeol’s.
Most people, when going on dates, would either be in the cinemas or some fancy restaurant, but for a nerd of a professor and an introvert student, sitting on the floor at the corner of the public library with books was the definition of a date. They somehow ended up in this situation when they couldn’t decide where to go and discovered that they’re no different when it came to their inkling towards books.
They sat in silence, almost like they’d built an imaginary border around them. The silence though was very comfortable. They sat with their backs against each other. Chanyeol, in particular, liked the feeling of Baekhyun’s hair softly resting against his neck. And Baekhyun liked the warmth of Chanyeol’s back.
“Hey, why do you think this Herman Melville named this book Moby-Dick?” Baekhyun asked after covering almost one-third of the book. Unlike Chanyeol who’s a science geek, Baekhyun like English literature.
“Isn’t it because of the whale? Sperm whale? Sperm whale?”
Baekhyun laughed at his lame attempt of a definition. “Not even! This book wasn’t written in 2015!”
“Actually, if you think about it, sexual innuendos were already a thing back then.”
Baekhyun gave him a look, slightly craning his head. What?”
Chanyeol raised the cover of the book on his hand. “Dickens? Tolstoy?” Baekhyun burst in laughter again. “Hardy? Shakespeare?” He said while subtly shaking his hand after making a fist.
“Stop!” Baekhyun exclaimed in laughter as he turned to face Chanyeol, hitting him playfully. “Inappropriate!”
Chanyeol laughed with him, his body unconsciously turning towards Baekhyun.
Chanyeol remembered the text from the book he read earlier.
We believe that we can change the things around us in accordance with our desires-we believe it because otherwise we can see no favourable outcome. We do not think of the outcome which generally comes to pass and is also favourable: we do not succeed in changing things in accordance with our desires, but gradually our desires change.*
He looked back to his many attempts to try and change the course of this story and wondered when he stopped wanting to change it in fear of feeling the pain he had witnessed in that preview that started it all.
The situation that we hoped to change because it was intolerable becomes unimportant to us.*
Truly, because right now, at this moment, he realized that he wanted to see Baekhyun smile more than anything else in the world, until he’d gotten tired of it (which he never will, ever), until his sixty seconds came to an end.
“I wish I could read more books. That’s my dream. To listen to every song and to read every classic literature in the world.” Baekhyun said, sounding proud.
Chanyeol chuckled with subtle mockery. “Nobody can live long enough for a dream like that.”
“Yeah, but to quote Hemingway, isn’t it pretty to think so?” **
If Chanyeol had one wish, he’d wish for that dream to come true.
“I guess.”
--
They left the public library past noon, feeling the hunger. They went to a food chain across the street since the pouring rain left them with no choice. They didn’t even notice it had started to rain.
“Order anything you want. It’s on me.”
Baekhyun gave him a look and then sighed. “Chanyeol, I’m not a girl. I can pay for myself.”
“Sorry, that’s not what I meant.” Chanyeol said. “I wanted to treat you.”
“Well, if you wanted to treat me something then you shouldn’t have brought me to this...shitty place.” The last part had to be whispered as there were barely any customers at sight. Chanyeol couldn’t agree more.
“Alright. Next time.” Chanyeol replied while chuckling. “This place is shitty.” Baekhyun laughed before calling for the waiter.
Baekhyun ate like a baby, is what Chanyeol had observed. He stuffed his mouth with so much before chewing, making him look like a hamster, which is adorable. And then when he finally swallowed, more often than not, he would almost choke and immediately push water down his throat. Then he’d laughed it off. And then he’d stuff his mouth again.
“Stop staring. That’s rude.”
“Artwork is meant to be stared at.”
Baekhyun choked, but not because of the food this time. “Calm down, Shakespeare.”
“Well, thou art quaint. I don’t forswear.” *** Chanyeol said dramatically.
“Stop it.” Baekhyun said, laughing as he playfully kicked Chanyeol’s foot. “I don’t really like Shakespeare.”
Chanyeol raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”
“Shakespeare is pretty depressing.”
“Well, that’s new.” Chanyeol said curiously.
“Rome and Juliet, both committed suicide. Hamlet, talks to ghosts. Othello...I haven’t read it but I’m sure it’s pretty depressing too.” Chanyeol chuckled at his pretenses, but he’s interested to hear more. “The Tempest? Come on, a father and his daughter trapped in an island? How much more depressing can that be?”
“Fine, I’ll take your word for it. Then what is not depressing for you?” Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol, contemplating. “Come on, you brought this up.”
“You’ll laugh.”
“I won’t. I promise. I’ll bet this last piece of kimchi on it.” Baekhyun finally complied, murmuring his answer. “What?”
“I said Jane Eyre!”
A group of men suddenly burst into laughter behind them, distracting Baekhyun. When Baekhyun turned back to Chanyeol, the giant was looking away and covering his mouth with his hand. Baekhyun then snatched the last piece of kimchi and gulped it in. “Wha--”
“You laughed!”
Chanyeol thought of defending himself but after seeing Baekhyun’s mouth stuffed with kimchi looking like a hamster pouting angrily, he just burst out of laughter.
“How rude.” Baekhyun said, making Chanyeol laugh even harder. He doesn’t remember ever laughing this much before. Baekhyun himself couldn’t help but smile at how much Chanyeol was laughing. It made him happy, seeing him so carefree like this. Everytime he saw him in school, he always looked tense.
“It stopped raining.” Chanyeol suddenly said. “Should we go?”
Baekhyun nodded when he thought of the next place he wanted to go to.
--
Baekhyun never thought he’d get to walk at a time like this, a time where the pavements were cold and wet from the rain and the sky was covered with the sunset’s orange. Street lights were lighting up as they walked, eating the ice cream they bought earlier at the Clockworks Cafe.
“The workers really like you, don’t they?”
“I suppose. When I was hospitalized, Sehun would frequently buy sweets from the cafe whenever he visits me. I guess since they always see him, they became familiar with him, and Sehun would talk about me a lot.” That part Chanyeol knew very well.
“Come to think of it, you must’ve been really sick that you had to stay in the hospital for at least 2 years.”
Baekhyun bit his lip. “Actually, I got into a really serious accident.”
Chanyeol didn’t say anything--not yet--and waited for Baekhyun to continue himself, if he wanted. Of course he wanted to know what really happened but if Baekhyun didn’t want to talk about it then he wouldn’t stick his nose into it. However, right now, Baekhyun seemed really...troubled.
“How bad was it?” Chanyeol asked as a gentle push.
“Really, really bad,” Baekhyun said with a sigh. “It has only been two weeks since school started. I was a freshman so Sehun was still in middle school. That day, Sehun had a very important game, and I have never missed any of his games. But the homeroom teacher dismissed us late so I was rushing to make it to his game. I don’t really remember what happened exactly, but the police said a drunk driver collided with a truck, and the truck hit me. But because of the impact of the collision, the truck crashed into a construction site. They said the truck driver hit the brakes in time or I would’ve been completely crushed. But I was definitely thrown into the construction debris. And then, a metal rod got plunged into my chest. The EMTs said they thought I was dead for sure but I managed to make it into the operating room. The surgeon who operated on me said the rod only scraped my heart and was able to fix it. But then, after a few days, the doctors said my condition wasn’t improving. So, they kept me there to monitor my vitals and to do several more tests but they couldn’t find out why. My parents wanted to take me back home if they aren’t going to make me better, plus the expense would just keep growing.”
This time, Chanyeol couldn’t say anything. Even just hearing it sounded hard, how much more if he was able to witness it himself? Baekhyun must’ve been really exhausted both physically and emotionally.
“The doctor said I probably won’t have more than a year to live and my parents told him that’s all the more reason why I had to go home. So, of course, they made me drop out of school. Sehun wanted to drop out too but I scolded him, plus that would make my parents really sad. Surprisingly, a year has passed and I’m still alive. So I begged my parents to let me go back to school. And I’m still alive. I guess it all worked out for the best in the end.”
“You’re amazing.”
“Hardly.”
“Most people would’ve given up already. But with that kind of support system, your will to live won’t go away that easily. You could say you were lucky but I’m sure everyone around thought they’re luckier to have you around longer.” Of course, he’s not an exception.
However, for Baekhyun, that was a little farther from the truth. He’s human too and he couldn’t even count the number of times he wished he had died already or thought that it was better if he had died in that crash because then the people he loved the most around him wouldn’t have suffered. But, whenever he looked at Sehun, he was always reminded of the fact that what he had was more than what some people could have asked for. In his case, he still had his parents and Sehun, but in Sehun’s case, he lost both his parents, and his relatives even had the nerves to argue about custody before the mourning has even passed. He was alone. That’s why Baekhyun owed it to him. He had no right to complain, give up, nor even think of dying.
Moreover, he got to experience this kind of feeling he doesn’t quite understand yet. His heart throbbed when he sees Chanyeol but it’s different from the painful throbs he had in the hospital. This kind was full of excitement. He didn’t have these feelings when he first met the professor but before he knew it, his thoughts would sometimes divert towards the young professor, and then more often than not, when Chanyeol called his name, he felt his breath being taken away. It was a pretty feeling.
“You know Professor, I really like you.” It was the only conclusion.
“Really? I’m honored.”
Baekhyun snickered. “The kind of like a student should’ve be having with his professor.”
“Yeah?” Chanyeol said, taking him almost a minute before realizing. “Wait, what?”
“Don’t you feel the same way?” Baekhyun gasped. “Are you taking advantage of me?”
“What?” The question was directed towards the accusation and the sudden 360 change in Baekhyun’s behavior.
“Because I’ll have you know Sehun is pretty good at beating people up, he just looks like he isn’t because he has very good skin but he could send you to the hospital--”
“Baekhyun--”
“And my neighbor who used to babysit us used to be a gangster--” Baekhyun was then insulated against the remaining words as Chanyeol seemed to have stolen a kiss from the smaller boy. Baekhyun froze up, as his head slowly got filled with overwhelming thoughts. He was completely inundated by the sudden gesture.
“I like you the same way, okay? “ Chanyeol said after breaking off the kiss.
Baekhyun felt his face heating up in embarrassment. “No, you don’t.”
“I do.”
“You weren’t even planning on telling me.”
“That’s because I’ve been trying to hold back. I would’ve been fine just looking at you, making you laugh, taking you out on small dates like this, because I know if I do anything more than that, I might regret it. And right now, you’re stirring me up so much.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“I’m not.”
Chanyeol grabbed his hand and placed it on his chest. “Can you feel it?”
He could. Baekhyun could feel his rising heartbeat, and it felt overwhelming in a sense, singing songs of amore.
“Do you believe me now?”
Who wouldn’t? Baekhyun wondered and nodded. It seemed his tantrum somehow backfired as he couldn’t even look at Chanyeol in the eye.
--
Baekhyun was in bliss going home. If this was what really felt like to actually be in love. He was in love with a lot of things--music, books, pancakes, flowers, the sky and et cetera. But he’d never felt this kind of love before. It’s new and warm. And he couldn’t stop smiling. But he had to fix how flustered he looked as he neared his home.
He massaged his face and tried to mentally convince himself that nothing very special happened this day as he opened the door to their house.
“I’m home.” He announced, expecting to hear Sehun with his sharp remarks.
“Welcome back!” That was not Sehun.
“Mom! Dad! You’re home early.” He managed to reply, hopefully not sounding to surprised to see both his parents at home this early.
“So, how was your date?” His mom asked. His dad wasn’t subtle with the curiosity either. Baekhyun immediately turned to Sehun who just looked away. “Oh, you know Hunnie’s a bad liar. So, how was it?”
“It was fine. We went to a lot of places.”
“How about the person you were with?”
“He was great.” The room fell in silence.
“Honey, he said he.” His mom said while opening her palm.
“I know. I heard.” And then his dad gave her a bill.
Baekhyun gaped, but still relieved. “You had a bet?” He asked while following his parents to the kitchen. It’s great that his parents were somewhat open-minded, it really is, because they believed that music is for everyone, and that was the same with love.
“Come on, we always do that with Sehun.”
“Well, yeah, because he goes on a lot of dates.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, not since you found out you’re gay and not bi.”
They both turned to their parents in worry and found their mom counting the bills their dad was giving her. “MOM!”
--
Baekhyun jumped on the bed with a heavy sigh. Today was really a special day. Everything felt surreal. Just this morning, he was in the same place, getting ready for the date. He didn’t think it was anything special then. He thought it was the same as whenever he and Sehun would go somewhere together, having fun. But, it clearly wasn’t, as every time he thought about it, every time he saw Chanyeol’s face, his chest tightened and his heart rate started to elevate.
It’s almost like he’s having an attack. He clutched his chest as his body slowly curled into a C.
“Baekhyun, it’s your turn to bath--” Sehun stopped by the door. “Baekhyun? Baekhyun!” He immediately ran inside when he noticed Baekhyun curling up in pain. “What’s wrong?” He asked, full of worry. He’d seen him like this before but it’d been almost a year since. “Mom! Mom!”
--
The morning was unbelievably quiet. It’s the same school and the same students around him but somehow there was something missing. When lunch came, he finally realized what it was, but decided to continue through the day as it was. The outcome was normal, probably.
The bell rang. “Alright, that’s it for today. See you tomorrow. And don’t forget your reports, okay?”
“Yes, professor!” The students replied while grabbing the bags and slowly emptying the classroom.
Chanyeol sighed and leaned his head against the back of his chair. The room’s quiet and empty now. He was suddenly reminded of the time he missed his next class when Baekhyun somehow managed to corner him. He even changed his schedule in the spur of the moment. It was ridiculous. And pathetic. Definitely pathetic.
When he leaned back up, Baekhyun’s face startled him. Baekhyun was sitting on the chair in front of his desk, grinning. “That’s funny.”
“What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean? It’s a school day.”
“I mean, you missed morning classes right? Did you cut classes?”
“I didn’t. Don’t worry, Professor.” Baekhyun assured. “Something just came up at home. Sehun wanted to take the rest of the day off but I told him I already missed enough school days.”
“You dont have to push yourself it it’s something important. Plus, exams just finished.”
“Fine you got me.” Baekhyun said while leaning down on the desk, his arms supporting his upper body weight. “I didn’t want to miss a day seeing your face.”
“Then I won’t complain anymore.” Chanyeol leaned forward and gave Baekhyun a peck on the lips.
“Also, this!” Baekhyun pulled out something from his pocket and slammed it on the table. “We got our grades today.”
Chanyeol scanned his report card and was in loss of words how Baekhyun’s grades are 85 and above, with his highest being 98. “Wow, Baekhyun.”
“That’s not even the most shocking part. It’s this!” Baekhyun then took out another paper from his pocket. “Sehun’s report card.”
“He passed all of his subjects!” Chanyeol exclaimed after scanning the report card for at least three times to make sure. Although he still barely passed most of them. “So he can do it if he tries.”
“That’s thanks to you.” Baekhyun said with a cheeky smile.
Chanyeol chuckled. “I’m not gonna argue with that.” The bell rang then, startling Baekhyun.
“Oh, I have to look for Professor Lee.” Baekhyun said after checking the time. He leaned towards Chanyeol and kissed him on the cheeks before skipping towards the door. “I’ll see you later!”
Chanyeol watched him go. His instincts told him to scold Baekhyun for running in the hallways but of course, things had gotten complicated, and he just couldn’t scold Baekhyun for something like that.
“And here I was wondering if you got yourself a girlfriend.” Luhan asked, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. Of course, Luhan chose this time to start sprouting some nonsense.
Chanyeol crooked his eyebrows. “What are you talking about?” He asked, slightly uninterested, as he organized his things.
“I was curious. But seriously, a student? Unless you’re trying to be a counselor then that’s acceptable for me, otherwise, no.”
“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You know I don’t stick my nose into other people’s businesses unless it’s something concerning.” Luhan sighed. “I heard my students gossiping about a certain teacher and a certain student casually raising suspicions so I personally went to investigate myself.”
“They’re kids, they gossip about everything. Come on, it’s high school. We’re not supposed to take them seriously.”
“I hope you’re right, Chanyeol, I really do. You know these things better than I do. But still, I’m gonna warn you.”
Chanyeol appreciated Luhan concern but like this, it made him conscious as to how he had been treating Baekhyun so far. He didn’t think something like this would raise suspicions.
“You know the director’s not gonna let you off the hook just because you’re the youngest here.”
“Luhan, I’m not stupid.”
Luhan stared at him, probably trying to figure out his thoughts. “If you say so.” He said, shrugging his shoulders, before leaving. In the end, he couldn’t tell whether Chanyeol was being honest with him or not because most of the time he only said the words people want to hear and not what they need to hear.
Chanyeol sighed. Maybe Luhan was right. Maybe he should let society dictate his actions this time. Chanyeol didn’t know what difference it would make but regretting in the middle isn’t that easy. But he could try changing it.
That next day, he was called into the director’s office. He expected something bad since teachers weren’t usually called into the director’s office for something so serious but seeing the scattered pictures on the director’s desk when he came in, he had a pretty good hunch on how bad it actually is.
“Professor Park.”
“These are...” They were photos of him and Baekhyun at the park yesterday. There were only four pictures at the same angle but a lot can already be concluded.
“These photos were secured by one of the teachers this morning when he noticed the students passing them around class.”
“These are just kids snooping--”
“Professor Park.”
Chanyeol opened his mouth but the director was quick to cut him off. “I’m not looking for an explanation for this. Whatever it is, I would rather this issue disappear completely. Not only will this affect the faculty’s reputation to the students and especially to the parents, it puts my position on the line as well.”
“For now, we are able to keep these rumors from spreading. You’re lucky enough the student who took these photos went straight to us for consultation otherwise it would’ve been a bigger problem. I would also like to remind you that I am aware of the gossips about you circulating around the school and I honestly expected more from you. I don’t want to be disappointed by you, Professor, but I am disheartened.”
Chanyeol thought there was no use trying to defend his dignity now.
“I expect you to reflect on this, Professor. From now on, I don’t want to see you anywhere near this boy. If I hear anything about this matter again, I will retract your privileges myself.”
Chanyeol sighed as he closes the door behind him, the director’s words still echoing around him.
“What did I tell you?” Chanyeol turned to Luhan who was waiting by the door. “Is it bad?”
“No. Just something about privileges.”
Luhan sighed. “What are you gonna do?”
“What I have to do. I don’t really have a choice, do I?” But he wondered, still, how will fate play his role this time?
“Well you’re not that stupid so I’m not that worried,” Luhan said, shrugging his shoulders. “And it’s good to be reckless once in a while. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”
Chanyeol heaved a deep sigh.
“What?” Luhan asked out of concern.
It took a few seconds before Chanyeol finally said, “I want to eat some pizza.”
Luhan shook his head, chuckling.
--
It had already been two weeks since he last saw that face, last heard his laugh and last felt his calming presence. He wondered how he hadn’t even seen him once after that incident when they used to just bump into each other in the hallways, surprised yet not surprised, greeting as if their days couldn’t go by without subtle intimate formalities.
Maybe it was for the better. He tried to change the course of time and this was what he got. It was only natural for everything to be disrupted, for everything to feel so empty because even though this was what he wanted, he still looked forward to more days with him. Knowing what could’ve been is more painful that knowing what had been.
“He’s completely dead.” Luhan said to one of the teachers. He sighed and slowly made his way towards Chanyeol’s desk. After getting ignored or rather, after his presence failed to catch the taller’s attention, Luhan forcefully dropped the file on his desk, making a loud sound and surprising the taller.
“Wha--” Chanyeol looked up at Luhan who was giving him a certain look. “What do you want?”
Luhan sighed. “I hate to be the harbinger of bad news but,” He placed a folder--an utterly familiar folder--on top of his desk. “You were assigned to sub a class.”
--
Chanyeol stopped in front of the door, an action he had yet to grow accustomed with. He never had to prepare himself whenever he had classes. He used to just walk inside like it was nothing but now things have changed.
“Honestly, with your probationary status, I don’t understand why the director approved of this but I think he’s giving you a second chance. So, don’t fuck up okay?”
Probably. Guilt could make people do things.
However, he convinced himself that there was nothing to be guilty about. He wondered where that strength came from. With that in mind, he slowly opened the door, and the noise from inside gradually disappeared as he approached the table.
It seemed the students were confused thus the greeting was delayed. “It’s okay. No need to stand.” The students nodded hesitantly as Chanyeol opened the attendance sheet. He called them one by one until he arrived at that familiar name. He wanted to come off naturally but he ended up taking a deep breath, probably to calm his nerves, before he finally called his name. “Byun Baekhyun?” Silence responded to him. Then he finally decided to look up on his seat. It was empty. “He’s not here?” He asked the class in which some of them started whispering to each other.
“Professor!” A student yelled, raising their hand. “Byun hasn’t been coming for two weeks now.”
Chanyeol’s heart almost stopped. “W-What? Why?”
The student looked around, partly hesitant. “We heard from Sehun that he’s back in the hospital.” Chanyeol’s eyes widened. “But he hasn’t dropped out from school so he’s probably coming back.”
The day Chanyeol most dreaded just had to come in the most surprising way, like a murderer pulling a fast one on him. He was in a state of worry, horror and physical shock all at once. He recalled the days that will come, the tiny bits of previews in his little head, and he felt his stomach turning and his mind losing against the current.
“I--” He started as he struggled to find the right words, if ever there were. “I need to--to take bathroom break, so uh--” Of course, his futile attempts just turned him into a stuttering mess. The students were looking at him weirdly, whispering to each other, probably trying to comprehend his reaction.
He ignored the murmurs, the whispers, the indifferent looks, and minutes later he found himself rushing towards the door and out of the room. The noise behind him started to build up as he started running. It didn’t matter. At that moment, the only thing that mattered to him was seeing the boy in person.
He was forced to stop his tracks then when Luhan blocked his way. “Where are you going? You have class, don’t you?”
Chanyeol decided to ignore him and continued walking.
“Chanyeol!” Luhan yelled as he ran in front of Chanyeol, stopping him once again. “Don’t do this.”
Chanyeol stared at Luhan, trying to study his expression. He couldn’t keep ignoring him because more than anything, even though he only had his own interests in mind, Luhan was a friend. “I’m sorry. I need to do this.” He couldn’t tell him exactly what really was happening but he hoped just a little bit could get through.
--
Chanyeol rushed to the hospital with his emotions out of place. When he finally reached the floor Baekhyun was in, he halted and tried to gather his composure. He waited until he finally calmed down before walking towards Baekhyun’s room. His parents walked out just in time with the doctor, discussing something, and he looked away so they don’t recognize him as they pass by.
Chanyeol stood in front of the door. He took a peak through the small glass window before knocking. It broke his heart, seeing Baekhyun sitting on the hospital bed. The image was all too familiar to him. He knocked then, and waited for Baekhyun to turn towards the door before coming in.
“Professor.” Baekhyun said in surprise and quickly realized. “Chanyeol, what are you--”
The end of the sentence was cut off as Chanyeol had immediately threw his arms around him. Baekhyun was, of course, caught off-guard. “I’m okay, Chanyeol.” He said softly.
“Chanyeol, I’m fine,” Baekhyun said once again. “I’m okay. I just fainted but my parents are too paranoid they had to admit me here.” Chanyeol hugged him tighter because he knew. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you. I haven’t seen you for a while and I didn’t want to distract you from your work. You were busy, right?” Chanyeol lookdc at him this time, breaking away and his heart dropped. Baekhyun didn’t have any knowledge about the pictures or the real reason why he’d been avoiding him. Just as so. He didn’t want Baekhyun to blame himself because he was, in every way, not at fault.
He stayed there and the two of them talked about anything under the sun, literally anything, even pandas and sloths somehow made their way into their conversation. “I want to live as either a sloth or a panda, there’s no in-between.” was what Baekhyun said, apart from all the other peculiar things he has said that afternoon.
And then Chanyeol realized how much he missed him. His smile, his laugh, even his weird habit of biting his lips when he’s listening intently. Chanyeol wanted to call him out on the habit, since it had a devastating effect on him, but he wouldn’t want him to stop either so he ended up deciding to just bear with it. Just like that, the agony he was under for the past few weeks were just gone. What he wouldn’t give for them to stay like this forever.
part iii