We Were Never Here (5/5)
Masterpost
Just a quick reminder to read the warning at the start of this fic! And also, I highly recommend that you play Counting Crow's "Colorblind" if at all possible for Kurt's first POV in this chapter, which should be the third scene in. It 100% sets the atmosphere and tone for the scene.
***
Kurt got his acceptance letter for NYADA the same day that Sebastian finished his second last end-of-year exam. Sebastian came through the door that afternoon, feeling thoroughly violated by the exam paper, to find Kurt standing next to his desk with a broad, slightly tearful smile on his face. In one hand he held an acceptance letter to NYADA, and the other a resignation letter to Vogue.
Sebastian picked Kurt up in a giant hug, sweeping the smaller boy clear off his feet while Kurt giggled wildly, and then, without putting Kurt down, he kissed the giggles away until his boyfriend was breathless. Sebastian then gave Kurt ten minutes of squealing with Rachel on the phone, before sweeping him into the bedroom to celebrate in a much more Sebastian-appropriate fashion.
It was only later that night, once they'd bothered to crawl out of bed, find food, and crawl back to it with DVDs in hand, that Kurt turned to Sebastian with a smile and said, "This means we can have the summer together, too."
It was the first time they'd really talked about what their relationship was going to look like in anything beyond the now, with both of them in New York. They'd been so determined not to. But earlier that week Sebastian had been given marching orders by his father to come home for the summer, to spend some "quality family time" with the extended Smythes living in Ohio before he went to Ireland. The lease on Sebastian's apartment would end with the month.
"What?" Sebastian asked, catching up with what Kurt had said. "What do you mean? I thought you'd stay here and find another job to keep paying the rent on your apartment."
"I had to resign from Vogue in time to make way for the summer interns," said Kurt idly, slumping against Sebastian's shoulder, "since apparently even Isabelle can't get away with paying me to do something a dozen fashion or journalism students will do for free. And if Rachel's schedule's any indication, I won't have time to work during the school year. So I'll keep paying for the apartment here, but I'll go back to Ohio and help in the shop for the summer."
"Excuse my ignorance, as an upper class brat and all, but how do you intend to pay for your apartment, then?" Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow. "I know your dad's a senator and all now, but mine's a state's attorney, so I happen to know they don't get paid as much as everyone would like to think."
"Life insurance payout," Kurt said simply, looking down at his hands. "We didn't actually need it to live off, so Mom had always intended for it to be a college fund if she couldn't be here to provide one herself. Dad's been holding off on releasing any of it to me, but now I'm actually enrolled in a college he's letting me use it to pay for the apartment year 'round."
Sebastian dropped his head onto Kurt's shoulder and raised an imaginary glass in the air in front of them. "Here's to life insurance funded students, hey? May we enjoy having the weakest possible consolation prize for losing your mother."
"We?" Kurt looked down at Sebastian's face, tilting it up to look at him more fully. "You said that your dad was paying for all of this," Kurt waved a hand around Sebastian's room, "way back on the first night we came here."
"Indirectly," Sebastian replied, shrugging. "I did tell you that Mom was the better businesswoman. Dad may be worth a bit, but her life insurance payout was seven digits."
"Well, then, as you said, here's to terrible consolation prizes," Kurt said, clinking his own imaginary glass against Sebastian's. "But at least now we have the summer together, and that's a better prize than this."
***
And then, on the day of Sebastian's last exam, two things happened that raised and smashed his little Kurt-enclosed bubble of a world in one afternoon.
The first occurred as he was striding across one of the main courtyards on campus, trying to get from his exam hall across to the staff room where his last assignment of the year was awaiting pick up. Sebastian had been nervous about the essay, no matter how much bluster he'd put up if anyone accused him of being so; Dalton, as good as a school as it may have been, could only prepare their students for so much. And if Sebastian was serious about studying medicine at NYU later - which he most definitely was - then every good grade counted towards making that goal happen, and every bad one threatened to destroy it.
But as he reached the far side, he half-shoulder checked a boy walking with an older man in his hurry. Once upon a time Sebastian would have continued along, hurrying with a frown set on his face as though the person he'd collided into had somehow been at fault for slowing him down. But when Sebastian had started looking for atonement, he'd begun with the little wrong things he could stop doing in the future, and that included acting like a superior ass (at least, not all the time). And even now that Kurt had talked it out of not being so much atonement any more as it was absolution, he figured some old habits could stay dead.
So instead of hurrying he stopped for just a second, so he could toss a relatively courteous apology over his shoulder. And the second was all he needed to recognise the face of the boy, the one boy who could stop his heart just as well as Kurt could but in a completely different, absolutely sickening way.
For some godforsaken reason, David Karofsky was in a courtyard at NYU.
"David!" Sebastian said, aware that his voice wobbled just a little. "Oh god, wow. Hi! Sorry about the collision there, wasn't really watching where I was going," he said, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort.
"Hey, Sebastian," David said, and if Sebastian didn't know any better, he'd say David's smile was almost genuine. "How are you? Do you go here?"
"I'm fine, thanks. And yeah," Sebastian added, "just finished my first year of pre-med."
"And how are you liking it?"
Sebastian searched Karofsky's face for any traces of... well, anything negative, and found none.
"It's alright. It's New York, at least, which beats absolutely everything in Ohio any day."
"Oh yeah," David agreed, with a slight laugh. "I'd bet on it. I'm actually here right now looking for student accommodation. I just finished my second go at senior year, and with good enough grades to get in this time."
There was no sting in David's voice at the casual allusion to his attempt, the only reason David was graduating this year and hadn't done so at the same time as Kurt and Sebastian. In fact, he looked almost downright cheerful about the fact that he'd had a second senior year, though Sebastian figured that getting a chance to move to New York this time around probably helped that.
"Well, I wish I could recommend you a dorm, but I skipped that whole experience," Sebastian said. "Good luck in your search, though. And, oh, hey, when you're here next year, you should probably hunt down Kurt. He'll be starting at NYADA and would probably like to see you around." One more millimetre of good at a time, if that's the way you have to do it, Smythe.
David looked momentarily surprised, casting a quick look at his dad who had wandered further down the courtyard to inspect the notice boards along one wall. "You talk to Kurt Hummel? I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's kind of a shock. Since the only time I ever saw you two together was when you were trying to steal his boyfriend at Scandals."
Sebastian smiled tightly and said, "Well, now I am his boyfriend."
David barked out a laugh at that. "You know, I'd almost fucking believe it. Hummel always looked for the biggest challenge he could find."
"To say the least," Sebastian agreed lightly. He re-slung his bag on his back then, and said, "Well, it was really great to see you. I guess I'll-"
"Wait," David said, sticking his hands in his pocket. "Um, just before you go? I know it was awhile ago, but I wanted to thank you for dedicating that performance to me, back last year. And collecting all that money for the Born This Way Foundation. It meant a lot, particularly at the time."
Sebastian just blinked at David for a moment. "Well, um, I'm glad. But really, you know, it was the least I could do. It was still a pretty pathetic way of saying sorry, but it was about all I could manage at the time."
"Sorry?" David looked genuinely perplexed.
"For being a complete dick to you?"
The confusion takes a moment more to clear from David's face. "Oh, that time in Scandals? Man, it was the least of my problems. You're fine."
They both said their goodbyes for the time being, and just like that, Sebastian's world shifted. Because just like Kurt had said, absolution had apparently been all he'd needed.
Well, no, to be fair, Sebastian's world had been shifting for awhile. Meeting Kurt again had been the start of it, way back in January, the first glimmer of hope that maybe one day Sebastian would be able to stop running. Because it hadn't been so hard to atone for his mistakes with Kurt, and by extension Blaine. But at the time, it certainly hadn't been enough. So when the opportunity had arisen to go on exchange for his sophomore year, Sebastian had signed up in an instant.
Because back then, it had seemed necessary. Apparently running from Ohio to New York hadn't been enough to shake this constant mantra of needing to atone, but maybe, just maybe, Ireland would do it.
But as Sebastian's relationship with Kurt evolved and Sebastian himself evolved, little niggling doubts had started to creep up in Sebastian's brain. Voices that had told him that maybe running away to Ireland wasn't the solution. Maybe staying right here would bring more peace in the long run. Sebastian had, of course, ignored them, with all of the strong will and determination he could put to the task. Right up until Kurt had all but bullied Sebastian into starting a relationship - a real-life relationship, god, he still couldn't believe it half the time - and then the voices sprung up again. But even loving Kurt hadn't ever soothed that need, whatever part of his mind it was that was needed something more before it could put all Sebastian's most haunting nightmares to rest. So, lacking any better options, Sebastian was still determined to leave, to go looking for anything that he may find to make it easier.
The talk with Kurt after his nightmare had almost unseated the whole thing. Sebastian had wanted so badly to believe in the difference between atonement and absolution, and that he only needed the latter. Had already gotten it. The next morning, Sebastian's finger had hovered over the cancel button on his flights to Dublin, and he'd very nearly pulled out of the trip. But something had held him back.
Sebastian wasn't even sure what it had been any more. If he'd been waiting for a sign - though Sebastian didn't believe in signs or fate or whatever else crazy old aunts tried to sell you - this talk with David had clearly been it.
Maybe he wouldn't only have the summer with Kurt. Maybe he could have the whole future. Because David's casual forgiveness had been met with the resounding click of something settling in place that Sebastian hadn't heard since Kurt had come to rest in his heart.
That hope lasted right until he sneaked into his own apartment - where Kurt could be found when not at work, more often than not - and heard Kurt Skyping Blaine.
Because Blaine. The very reason Sebastian had held off pulling out of the exchange to Ireland. The one he knew, whether Kurt denied it or not, he had three sevenths of a chance of having to fight off next year. Blaine Anderson never went down without a fight, nor did he ever do things by halves. If he was in the same city as Kurt, Blaine would fight for Kurt until he won.
Sebastian heard Blaine happily sigh and say, "I can't believe it. I can't believe we'll be going into NYADA together, the same year and everything. It's going to be amazing, Kurt." So not three sevenths. Blaine had gotten into NYADA too. And even though Sebastian couldn't see Kurt's laptop screen from the door, he knew Blaine would be turning those huge heart eyes on Kurt, the ones that always came with that thick, softened tone of voice.
Sebastian heard Kurt make some idle sounds of agreement, and was just about to walk into the apartment proper - because after all, Kurt was still his boyfriend for now and had promised him celebrations at the end of his last exam, and Blaine Anderson could go to hell - when a question from Blaine stopped him again.
"So, what about your mystery man, Kurt? Is he still leaving at the end of the year?"
"Yes, he is."
"So that means you and I can talk over the summer? About maybe finding us again?"
Sebastian didn't hear the rest of the conversation. He stepped back out of the apartment, made it two steps past the door, and then sank to the ground.
From elation to punched-in-the-gut in half an hour. This was why he didn't fucking do feelings.
So, that was it, then, really. Because Sebastian knew that even if he and Kurt loved each other, that wouldn't be enough. Kurt and Blaine loved each other too. Blaine had loved Kurt while Sebastian was still treating him like an inferior life form, and there was no way Sebastian could possibly compete with a handicap like that. And Kurt was probably agreeing with Blaine right now, that since his "mystery man" - and god, Kurt had been so sure that this would end with Sebastian leaving that Blaine didn't even know who he was - would soon be far away and out of the picture, that of course they would talk about getting back together. Because that had been the deal, hadn't it? Even Sebastian had known that, since that first hangover together. Kurt and Blaine would only break up for as long as they weren't in the same city.
Maybe there was a good reason to still go to Ireland after all. He wouldn't run from the ghosts of all his fuck ups but he could sure as hell still run from the ghost of Kurt, haunting his New York life.
Sebastian waited for another ten minutes for Kurt and Blaine to finish their Skype call, and then entered the apartment to a mischievously grinning Kurt, who immediately pushed Sebastian up against the door, claiming his mouth with heat and skill and warmth.
"I promise you, Sebastian Smythe, that that was only the start of the best summer of your life," Kurt mock-growled. Sebastian let himself fall back into the kiss for a moment longer, and then broke away.
"Kurt, stop for a second. Just. Please. We should probably talk about this summer."
***
A week into the summer, Kurt was still in shock.
It had been a week since Kurt had left New York, on a plane that he and Sebastian were supposed to take back together.
Sebastian had opted to fly back two days after Kurt, saying he hadn't quite finished packing the apartment.
It had been a week and three days since Sebastian had sat Kurt down after his last exam and said it was better off if they didn't spend the summer together. None of the commuting an hour to get to one another, fitting each other around shifts at shops and stuffy family gatherings. Just a clean snap. Kurt and Sebastian the couple could stay in New York, Kurt and Sebastian the people going home separate entities.
It had been ten days, and Kurt was still trying hard not to cry every time something reminded him of Sebastian - which almost his whole life did - or remind him of the summer he was supposed to have with the boy, which was everything that didn't directly remind him of Sebastian. He just didn't understand. Sebastian loved him. Kurt knew that, knew it well despite all the doubts that Rachel and even his dad were trying to put into his head now that he was home. And yet, Sebastian had chosen to cut months off the time they were supposed to have together.
Time where they were going to have finally gotten to spend a whole three days literally only coming out of Sebastian's bedroom for food. Where they were going to slowly work their way through the entire shopping districts of Lima and Westerville. Where they'd get to keep being Kurt and Sebastian for just those few more months.
Time where Kurt was going to convince Sebastian that their relationship was worth salvaging in whatever form possible. Be it long distance, open, or just on pause until Sebastian got back from Ireland. Kurt was going to have had the time to talk Sebastian around.
But suddenly Kurt didn't.
He had been home a week now, though, and he still hadn't had 'that talk' with Blaine. Blaine seemed as anxious to have it already as Kurt was not to. Kurt tried not to think about the fact that Blaine might have his own couple-y summer dreams all laid out in his head, just as unwitting that they were going to be ripped out from under him as Kurt had been. Kurt really hoped not.
So Kurt ordered their coffees, got them to go, and was ready and waiting for Blaine under an awning out the front of the Lima Bean seven days after he landed back in Lima. When Blaine greeted him with a smile and a hug, Kurt returned the favour, but instead of letting Blaine steer him to one of the café tables, directed them to a place slightly more secluded. He wanted to minimise the pain for everyone involved.
They both chattered for awhile, skirting the topic with awkward lunges. They talked more about NYADA - more NYADA, always these days, and Kurt wasn't sure how he'd ever be able to look at something with the NYADA logo on it and not think about the fact that he was only there because Sebastian had made him apply. But finally they landed on the topic of living arrangements, specifically Blaine's in New York, and Blaine could clearly not hold it in any longer.
"Kurt?" he asked, putting down his mostly empty coffee cup next to him on the wooden bench they'd settled, near a small pond. "You know I'm not seeing anyone. Haven't been for at least a month. And there was no one serious basically the whole year. I love you and I am so ready to try and find our relationship again."
Kurt said, "I'm so sorry," and watched the world fall out from under Blaine Anderson.
He followed it with, "I can't," and then wrapped one arm around Blaine and one arm around himself, squished awkwardly together and overheating on the park bench.
Blaine's head was lowered, even if he crept slowly closer into the arm Kurt had around him, and he didn't lift it until his eyes were red and swollen but his cheeks were dry. "Mystery man?" was all he asked.
"Even if he doesn't want our relationship any more," Kurt said, "I still belong to him now. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry." They wiped away at each other's tears until they giggled a little but their skin was raw and painful.
"You'd better tell me about him, now," Blaine eventually said. "One way or another, I'm going to hear about him. And when he comes back for you - which he will, just you wait - I'm probably going to see a lot of him. So you'd better prepare your best friend, hey? So I don't make a fool of myself once I do meet him."
And Kurt started to cry all over again because Blaine was still his best friend, and he was really so perfect in so many ways. "It's Sebastian Smythe," he said. "I'm in love with Sebastian. And he's run away from me and I don't know why."
And Blaine hugged Kurt with his whole body, as best as he could on that awkward wooden bench, and ignored the fact that they were in public. They talked for hours, and when Kurt kissed Blaine on the forehead and said, "I still love you; that will never change," it was true. Because it's not that he'd ever forget Blaine or how to love him. You don't ever lose a part of you that big, that deep. You just keep growing even bigger, until something that once filled your whole heart and spilled out into your chest is dwarfed, an unassuming little nugget of silver all but swallowed in the gold of something larger.
Sebastian had made Kurt feel like that. A hundred times more and filled with gold brighter than sunlight.
***
Sebastian was focused.
The air here was thickened by alcohol, sweet and heavy on his tongue. He was sprawled in the corner of this basement-dark nightclub that was more familiar than it should be for the few times he'd been there. Alcohol does that to him; he remembers tangible things like layouts and furniture but not sensations or faces. But for now, that was irrelevant. He was focused. He was counting. His brain counted the seconds to midnight by following the numbers on his phone screen, his bones by each heavy beat reverberating around the closed space; but his heart counted them by the constant changes in its enclosed little world. One, the muscles that are the edges of its enclosure hauled his ribs up and out; two, air rushed into the changed space; three, muscles pulled his ribs back down; four, a moment of unbearable pressure; five, the air fled. Release. Relief. Cycling again and again, tracking the seconds to midnight by the upheavals of a tiny universe.
Breathe, breathe, release, relief, and it was midnight. He was twenty one but Kurt was now twenty. Sebastian whispered, "Happy birthday, babe," to either the echoes of his mind or the grinding mess of dancers before him. He wasn't entirely sure which, but it didn't matter, because he wouldn't say it to Kurt for hours. He probably shouldn't say it at all.
Sebastian wondered if there would ever be closure; probably not. The universe makes it far too easy for them to find each other time and time again, in the corner of a mind if not a physical presence, exhuming their relationship no matter how far down the grave should have been dug. He'd always tried to compartmentalise, to put his life into chapters. But with Kurt, he can't. It's always just one twisting, twisted stream of emotion.
A friend approached, slipping Sebastian's phone into his pocket and pulling Sebastian from his sprawl, out into the middle of the dance pit. He and Sebastian both moved on from the possibility of each other long ago, Sebastian gone to New York, the friend enraptured by a girl that smells like relief and release. But somehow he and Sebastian always ended up here, alcohol heavy on their tongues and lungs, hips and foreheads pressed together. His hand fisted in Sebastian's hair, bigger than Kurt's but never as tangible; he pressed his mouth to Sebastian's, everything melding. Sebastian's brain stopped thinking and his bones stopped feeling and eventually his mouth became someone else's; but his heart, the exhumer, clung to Kurt's constant while its world raged and roiled.
***
The space was full of the smell of alcohol and heavy dance beats, but awkwardly so; the room knew that this was not its typical purpose, so wore the evening's revelry with discomfort. Kurt was too far gone to care any more, though; he took the discomfort - the room's, his friends', his own - and draped it around him like fine fabrics. As he danced the fabric caught the light, a false glimmer from something that shouldn't be allowed to shine.
Up until twenty minutes ago, it had been his birthday; he was now twenty and a tiny bit closer to Sebastian's twenty one. But they had been free of each other for three weeks now, so he shouldn't care about Sebastian's age in relation to his own. He should have instead been revelling in the fact that his age was the same as that of everyone around him, a whole crowd of wild youth glorying in the free pass to drink whatever is cheap and dance to whatever is playing. Quality was beautifully damned in the hands of teenagers.
And then there was a girl's hand on his arm and a shrill voice in his ear, telling him that they're moving on from his basement now, that they've all gotten fake IDs and they're going to Scandals. Before Kurt could protest - because Scandals, of all places, was going to hurt like hell, and he was already too drunk to keep his emotions held together - he was being bundled into Lima's sole maxi cab.
Any half-baked hopes Kurt had of being turned away at the door for being so obviously too young or too drunk were quickly dashed by the "bouncers" at Scandals, who were just as apathetic and miserable as the last time Kurt was there. So Kurt let his friends bustle him inside and swallowed the drinks they bought him - just a few more to forget that Sebastian and Kurt had ever been in this place together - and then he danced with all of them. If there was one thing Kurt had perfected over the year in New York, it had been the art of drunkenly dancing, and Kurt entertained all of his friends in turn with his somewhat obscene grinding.
But it was all a joke, because none of them were Charlie, none of them were Sebastian, and Blaine declined his turn.
As the world truly started to swirl dangerously and tipped in all sorts of interesting directions, Kurt finally found the bathroom. And he stumbled in, hoping to find an empty stall, only to find a boy on the floor, surrounded by blood and the pieces of a broken beer bottle.
It wasn't a boy Kurt knew but he was still clearly so very, very hurt, so Kurt screamed and people came in, Blaine barrelling in first and then he called in the bouncers who were suddenly looking alert. And then there was an ambulance and Blaine took Kurt outside, trying to hug him or reassure him or something but all Kurt could do was fumble for his phone. Sense memory guided him from there, the way it had every time Kurt was too drunk and in over his head and needed someone to take care of him.
"Sebastian?" he sobbed when the dial tone stopped. "Sebastian, I'm so drunk and there was a boy in the bathrooms and I think he tried to commit suicide and I really, really need you right now."
Sebastian demanded to know where he was, and stuttering between hiccupping breaths, Kurt told him. Kurt drifted in a terrified haze until Sebastian arrived, dishevelled and tired-looking but running concerned hands over Kurt's face and shoulders in a way that almost brought Kurt instantly to his knees, as those of Kurt's friends who were still around watched on in amazement.
And then Sebastian bundled Kurt into his car, even as he got the full story from Tina, and drove them somewhere that Kurt didn't particularly care to know the location of. He figured out it was Sebastian's house soon enough, though, when he was sat against the headboard of a bed that smelled like everything good in the world. Kurt could barely stop himself from faceplanting into the sheets to bury himself in the scent; it was only the sight of Sebastian's face before him that held him upright.
Over what Kurt vaguely realised was probably a very long time Sebastian talked Kurt into drinking a whole water bottle and then coaxed him into telling Sebastian the whole story from Kurt's perspective. At one point Kurt tried to snuggle into Sebastian's body and just sleep the way he had so many other times, and whined in distress when Sebastian wouldn't let him.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," Sebastian said gently, "but for starters, we're not in a relationship any more, so snuggling? Not something you and I do. And also, you're not going to sleep until you've talked that memory away. I'm not letting you lock it into your nightmares instead."
So Kurt stayed up with Sebastian for hours, and they talked about all the inane things they'd each missed over three weeks. Things like Sebastian finally getting that mark back on his essay - a good one, thankfully - and Kurt's skin not being up to the harsh garage conditions after so long away. And then, just as Kurt started to feel sober again, and the Ohio summer sunlight started to make the sky a little bluer on one side, Sebastian asked, "Why did you call me?"
Kurt didn't even have to think at all. "Because you're the safest place on earth that I could ever think of."
Their conversation slowed the more the sun rose and the more Kurt sobered up, Sebastian withdrawing back into the same detached shell he'd used to break up with Kurt back in New York. By the time the sun rose fully and Sebastian called Kurt a cab, they were all but silent, not for a lack of trying on Kurt's part. Sebastian walked Kurt down to the taxi and passed the driver a hundred dollar bill before Kurt could protest, but then stopped Kurt before he could actually get in.
"Look, Kurt, even if we aren't together any more or you have a new boyfriend or whatever," Sebastian started, and didn't let Kurt cut in to protest any of the things he's just said, "I'm still glad you called. Because, at least while I'm around, I still want to be a safe place for you if you're drunk or in danger. Call me and I'll be there if you need me to be." And then Sebastian nodded awkwardly, before pausing, and carefully tipped forward to kiss Kurt's forehead.
"I'll see you around," he said, and then walked back to the front door, where he watched Kurt get into the cab with tears on both their faces, though only Kurt would admit to them.
***
Only a couple of hours after he'd finally sent Kurt on his way home, Sebastian was dragged out a fitful, late-morning sleep by someone viciously abusing his doorbell. His father was somewhere interstate for the weekend, dealing with some sort of multi-state crisis that apparently could not wait until Monday, so Sebastian was forced to answer the door himself when it became clear the intruder was not planning on leaving.
Blaine was on the other side of the door. The boy was neatly dressed as always, and his facial expression was the same, over-practiced calm smile that he so often sported, but there was an angry tilt to Blaine's shoulders that Sebastian hadn't seen before. It was the only thing that stopped Sebastian from slamming the door again the moment he'd seen the gel helmet. Instead, Sebastian grabbed hold of the door handle as if looking for extra support and said, "Look, I don't know how much Kurt remembers of last night right now but I didn't do anything inappropriate with your boyfriend, just calmed his ass down because his drunk mind is used to me. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to hit me and just let me go back to sleep."
Blaine's shoulders hunched even more throughout Sebastian's little spiel, and by the end of it even his composed smile had slipped and turned into a slight scowl. "I don't even know where to start with that, Sebastian," he said. "Can I come in? Just for a moment? This won't take long."
Sebastian muttered, "Somehow, I doubt that," but stepped aside to let Blaine in anyway. He led Blaine to the nearest room with chairs - which happened to be the dining room - and pulled out a chair to sprawl on before waving a hand for Blaine to do the same.
"First of all, Kurt remembers everything from last night, which is part of the reason I'm here; apparently you won't listen to him, just talk at him and then put him in a taxi. Second, Kurt is not my boyfriend."
"Damn, Anderson, you move slower than you used to," Sebastian drawled, trying not to show any of the tension suddenly pulling his frame tight.
"Oh, trust me, it's not from lack of trying," Blaine retorted, waving one hand through the air. "But I knew I was potentially going to lose him forever when I let him go, so I'm trying not to be bitter about it." Blaine looked up from where he'd been regarding the polished surface of Sebastian's mahogany dining table to shoot the older boy a hard look. "You're making it very difficult for me to remain the supportive best friend, though, Sebastian, so consider this me politely requesting that you stop being such a dick."
"Excuse me?" Sebastian asked, shoving a little disbelief into his voice. "What do I have to do with the fact that you've apparently lost the ability to woo even those already slave to your frighteningly large puppy dog stare?"
"Because Kurt turned me down," Blaine snapped, standing up. "He said that he belonged to you, even if you didn't want him any more. So I would appreciate it if you put all of us out of our misery and at least talk to him so he doesn't spend the entire next four years at NYADA wondering why you ran away from him."
Sebastian was still rooted to his seat thirty seconds later when Blaine let himself out. It took him several minutes to gather his thoughts properly; everything had slowed from the moment Blaine said Kurt had turned him down. Slowly, he rose from his chair and wandered back into his bedroom, grinning when he saw a pile of newly-printed papers on his desk, covered with things like flight codes and enrolment instructions for an unfamiliar university. Sebastian picked up the papers, grabbed his car keys and dashed outside the door before he let another single, stupid thing change his mind.
The drive to Lima was torturous, and probably dangerous, with the amount of weaving and speeding Sebastian did to get to Kurt's house. Five minutes out, Sebastian realised he didn't know the exact location of the street Kurt lived on, and thus the last five minutes of his drive were also near-suicidal, as he wrestled with his GPS system as well as the traffic around him.
Sebastian eventually reached Kurt's driveway, and he almost tripped out of his car in his haste to get to the front door, which he then proceeded to abuse in much the same manner that Blaine had his. It only occurred to Sebastian after he heard footsteps coming towards him that Burt Hummel could very well be home, and he'd almost turned to run away, figuring it was better he came back later and at least lived long enough to talk to Kurt one last time.
But then Kurt opened the door, eyes red-rimmed, looking very wan, and so very precious. And the first thing Sebastian did was take Kurt into his arms, not even bothering to move from the doorstep.
"Sebastian?" Kurt squeaked, trying to wiggle free of the arms that had just locked around him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"You're going to be so angry with me," Sebastian said, smiling down at Kurt. "You were right. I am an idiot." Kurt folded his arms, drawing attention to the NYU logo across his chest. Sebastian's smile turned into a grin. "Oh, you're going to be so mad. But, before I say anything else, just so you know: I love you."
"I love you too. But I'm starting to get the impression you're drugged, so maybe you should come inside before someone snatches you off the street," Kurt said, and tugged Sebastian into the hallway, closing the door behind him. "Now. Why am I going to be mad at you? Besides the obvious, that is."
"Uh, I broke up with you because I thought you were going to leave me for Blaine this summer?"
The screech Sebastian gained in response was not entire audible to his ears. The rain of slaps he received to his chest and shoulders, though, he definitely felt. And Kurt? Was still super hot when he was angry.
Hours later, Kurt had screamed out all his rage, which Sebastian bore meekly, and then had silently cried for half an hour while he'd talked, which Sebastian did not bear at all. He'd then let Sebastian dismantle him in tiny increments, each piece handled with delicacy, stripping out all the memories of the summer so far in the process. It was only when they had both been put back together again for the third time by soothing, gentle kisses that Sebastian led Kurt back into the hall to gather the pieces of paper he'd dropped there.
Then they sat down at the computer, Kurt on Sebastian's lap, and Sebastian settled his hand on the mouse. Kurt covered Sebastian's hand with his own, matching the slightly larger hand finger for finger, and it was Kurt's hand that guided the pair of them through the steps necessary to cancel all of Sebastian's flights, his enrolment at Trinity and his student accommodation there.
"So," Sebastian said, turning Kurt in his lap until he could press his forehead to Kurt's temple and kiss slowly down his jaw. "How long will it be until I redeem myself?"
"For all that? Eons," Kurt said flatly, getting to his feet and pulling Sebastian with him, only to topple both of them onto the bed. "But you can start with the grovelling later. For now I just want to cuddle."
Sebastian pressed Kurt into the mattress, and then kissed at the neck of the t-shirt, the hollow of his throat, and each of Kurt's eyelids. And then, when Kurt was sleeping, he let himself get caught up in it all for just a moment, and wrote in perfect, sloping letters down the inside of Kurt's forearm, You're spending the rest of everything with Sebastian.
Just a quick reminder to read the warning at the start of this fic! And also, I highly recommend that you play Counting Crow's "Colorblind" if at all possible for Kurt's first POV in this chapter, which should be the third scene in. It 100% sets the atmosphere and tone for the scene.
***
Kurt got his acceptance letter for NYADA the same day that Sebastian finished his second last end-of-year exam. Sebastian came through the door that afternoon, feeling thoroughly violated by the exam paper, to find Kurt standing next to his desk with a broad, slightly tearful smile on his face. In one hand he held an acceptance letter to NYADA, and the other a resignation letter to Vogue.
Sebastian picked Kurt up in a giant hug, sweeping the smaller boy clear off his feet while Kurt giggled wildly, and then, without putting Kurt down, he kissed the giggles away until his boyfriend was breathless. Sebastian then gave Kurt ten minutes of squealing with Rachel on the phone, before sweeping him into the bedroom to celebrate in a much more Sebastian-appropriate fashion.
It was only later that night, once they'd bothered to crawl out of bed, find food, and crawl back to it with DVDs in hand, that Kurt turned to Sebastian with a smile and said, "This means we can have the summer together, too."
It was the first time they'd really talked about what their relationship was going to look like in anything beyond the now, with both of them in New York. They'd been so determined not to. But earlier that week Sebastian had been given marching orders by his father to come home for the summer, to spend some "quality family time" with the extended Smythes living in Ohio before he went to Ireland. The lease on Sebastian's apartment would end with the month.
"What?" Sebastian asked, catching up with what Kurt had said. "What do you mean? I thought you'd stay here and find another job to keep paying the rent on your apartment."
"I had to resign from Vogue in time to make way for the summer interns," said Kurt idly, slumping against Sebastian's shoulder, "since apparently even Isabelle can't get away with paying me to do something a dozen fashion or journalism students will do for free. And if Rachel's schedule's any indication, I won't have time to work during the school year. So I'll keep paying for the apartment here, but I'll go back to Ohio and help in the shop for the summer."
"Excuse my ignorance, as an upper class brat and all, but how do you intend to pay for your apartment, then?" Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow. "I know your dad's a senator and all now, but mine's a state's attorney, so I happen to know they don't get paid as much as everyone would like to think."
"Life insurance payout," Kurt said simply, looking down at his hands. "We didn't actually need it to live off, so Mom had always intended for it to be a college fund if she couldn't be here to provide one herself. Dad's been holding off on releasing any of it to me, but now I'm actually enrolled in a college he's letting me use it to pay for the apartment year 'round."
Sebastian dropped his head onto Kurt's shoulder and raised an imaginary glass in the air in front of them. "Here's to life insurance funded students, hey? May we enjoy having the weakest possible consolation prize for losing your mother."
"We?" Kurt looked down at Sebastian's face, tilting it up to look at him more fully. "You said that your dad was paying for all of this," Kurt waved a hand around Sebastian's room, "way back on the first night we came here."
"Indirectly," Sebastian replied, shrugging. "I did tell you that Mom was the better businesswoman. Dad may be worth a bit, but her life insurance payout was seven digits."
"Well, then, as you said, here's to terrible consolation prizes," Kurt said, clinking his own imaginary glass against Sebastian's. "But at least now we have the summer together, and that's a better prize than this."
***
And then, on the day of Sebastian's last exam, two things happened that raised and smashed his little Kurt-enclosed bubble of a world in one afternoon.
The first occurred as he was striding across one of the main courtyards on campus, trying to get from his exam hall across to the staff room where his last assignment of the year was awaiting pick up. Sebastian had been nervous about the essay, no matter how much bluster he'd put up if anyone accused him of being so; Dalton, as good as a school as it may have been, could only prepare their students for so much. And if Sebastian was serious about studying medicine at NYU later - which he most definitely was - then every good grade counted towards making that goal happen, and every bad one threatened to destroy it.
But as he reached the far side, he half-shoulder checked a boy walking with an older man in his hurry. Once upon a time Sebastian would have continued along, hurrying with a frown set on his face as though the person he'd collided into had somehow been at fault for slowing him down. But when Sebastian had started looking for atonement, he'd begun with the little wrong things he could stop doing in the future, and that included acting like a superior ass (at least, not all the time). And even now that Kurt had talked it out of not being so much atonement any more as it was absolution, he figured some old habits could stay dead.
So instead of hurrying he stopped for just a second, so he could toss a relatively courteous apology over his shoulder. And the second was all he needed to recognise the face of the boy, the one boy who could stop his heart just as well as Kurt could but in a completely different, absolutely sickening way.
For some godforsaken reason, David Karofsky was in a courtyard at NYU.
"David!" Sebastian said, aware that his voice wobbled just a little. "Oh god, wow. Hi! Sorry about the collision there, wasn't really watching where I was going," he said, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort.
"Hey, Sebastian," David said, and if Sebastian didn't know any better, he'd say David's smile was almost genuine. "How are you? Do you go here?"
"I'm fine, thanks. And yeah," Sebastian added, "just finished my first year of pre-med."
"And how are you liking it?"
Sebastian searched Karofsky's face for any traces of... well, anything negative, and found none.
"It's alright. It's New York, at least, which beats absolutely everything in Ohio any day."
"Oh yeah," David agreed, with a slight laugh. "I'd bet on it. I'm actually here right now looking for student accommodation. I just finished my second go at senior year, and with good enough grades to get in this time."
There was no sting in David's voice at the casual allusion to his attempt, the only reason David was graduating this year and hadn't done so at the same time as Kurt and Sebastian. In fact, he looked almost downright cheerful about the fact that he'd had a second senior year, though Sebastian figured that getting a chance to move to New York this time around probably helped that.
"Well, I wish I could recommend you a dorm, but I skipped that whole experience," Sebastian said. "Good luck in your search, though. And, oh, hey, when you're here next year, you should probably hunt down Kurt. He'll be starting at NYADA and would probably like to see you around." One more millimetre of good at a time, if that's the way you have to do it, Smythe.
David looked momentarily surprised, casting a quick look at his dad who had wandered further down the courtyard to inspect the notice boards along one wall. "You talk to Kurt Hummel? I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's kind of a shock. Since the only time I ever saw you two together was when you were trying to steal his boyfriend at Scandals."
Sebastian smiled tightly and said, "Well, now I am his boyfriend."
David barked out a laugh at that. "You know, I'd almost fucking believe it. Hummel always looked for the biggest challenge he could find."
"To say the least," Sebastian agreed lightly. He re-slung his bag on his back then, and said, "Well, it was really great to see you. I guess I'll-"
"Wait," David said, sticking his hands in his pocket. "Um, just before you go? I know it was awhile ago, but I wanted to thank you for dedicating that performance to me, back last year. And collecting all that money for the Born This Way Foundation. It meant a lot, particularly at the time."
Sebastian just blinked at David for a moment. "Well, um, I'm glad. But really, you know, it was the least I could do. It was still a pretty pathetic way of saying sorry, but it was about all I could manage at the time."
"Sorry?" David looked genuinely perplexed.
"For being a complete dick to you?"
The confusion takes a moment more to clear from David's face. "Oh, that time in Scandals? Man, it was the least of my problems. You're fine."
They both said their goodbyes for the time being, and just like that, Sebastian's world shifted. Because just like Kurt had said, absolution had apparently been all he'd needed.
Well, no, to be fair, Sebastian's world had been shifting for awhile. Meeting Kurt again had been the start of it, way back in January, the first glimmer of hope that maybe one day Sebastian would be able to stop running. Because it hadn't been so hard to atone for his mistakes with Kurt, and by extension Blaine. But at the time, it certainly hadn't been enough. So when the opportunity had arisen to go on exchange for his sophomore year, Sebastian had signed up in an instant.
Because back then, it had seemed necessary. Apparently running from Ohio to New York hadn't been enough to shake this constant mantra of needing to atone, but maybe, just maybe, Ireland would do it.
But as Sebastian's relationship with Kurt evolved and Sebastian himself evolved, little niggling doubts had started to creep up in Sebastian's brain. Voices that had told him that maybe running away to Ireland wasn't the solution. Maybe staying right here would bring more peace in the long run. Sebastian had, of course, ignored them, with all of the strong will and determination he could put to the task. Right up until Kurt had all but bullied Sebastian into starting a relationship - a real-life relationship, god, he still couldn't believe it half the time - and then the voices sprung up again. But even loving Kurt hadn't ever soothed that need, whatever part of his mind it was that was needed something more before it could put all Sebastian's most haunting nightmares to rest. So, lacking any better options, Sebastian was still determined to leave, to go looking for anything that he may find to make it easier.
The talk with Kurt after his nightmare had almost unseated the whole thing. Sebastian had wanted so badly to believe in the difference between atonement and absolution, and that he only needed the latter. Had already gotten it. The next morning, Sebastian's finger had hovered over the cancel button on his flights to Dublin, and he'd very nearly pulled out of the trip. But something had held him back.
Sebastian wasn't even sure what it had been any more. If he'd been waiting for a sign - though Sebastian didn't believe in signs or fate or whatever else crazy old aunts tried to sell you - this talk with David had clearly been it.
Maybe he wouldn't only have the summer with Kurt. Maybe he could have the whole future. Because David's casual forgiveness had been met with the resounding click of something settling in place that Sebastian hadn't heard since Kurt had come to rest in his heart.
That hope lasted right until he sneaked into his own apartment - where Kurt could be found when not at work, more often than not - and heard Kurt Skyping Blaine.
Because Blaine. The very reason Sebastian had held off pulling out of the exchange to Ireland. The one he knew, whether Kurt denied it or not, he had three sevenths of a chance of having to fight off next year. Blaine Anderson never went down without a fight, nor did he ever do things by halves. If he was in the same city as Kurt, Blaine would fight for Kurt until he won.
Sebastian heard Blaine happily sigh and say, "I can't believe it. I can't believe we'll be going into NYADA together, the same year and everything. It's going to be amazing, Kurt." So not three sevenths. Blaine had gotten into NYADA too. And even though Sebastian couldn't see Kurt's laptop screen from the door, he knew Blaine would be turning those huge heart eyes on Kurt, the ones that always came with that thick, softened tone of voice.
Sebastian heard Kurt make some idle sounds of agreement, and was just about to walk into the apartment proper - because after all, Kurt was still his boyfriend for now and had promised him celebrations at the end of his last exam, and Blaine Anderson could go to hell - when a question from Blaine stopped him again.
"So, what about your mystery man, Kurt? Is he still leaving at the end of the year?"
"Yes, he is."
"So that means you and I can talk over the summer? About maybe finding us again?"
Sebastian didn't hear the rest of the conversation. He stepped back out of the apartment, made it two steps past the door, and then sank to the ground.
From elation to punched-in-the-gut in half an hour. This was why he didn't fucking do feelings.
So, that was it, then, really. Because Sebastian knew that even if he and Kurt loved each other, that wouldn't be enough. Kurt and Blaine loved each other too. Blaine had loved Kurt while Sebastian was still treating him like an inferior life form, and there was no way Sebastian could possibly compete with a handicap like that. And Kurt was probably agreeing with Blaine right now, that since his "mystery man" - and god, Kurt had been so sure that this would end with Sebastian leaving that Blaine didn't even know who he was - would soon be far away and out of the picture, that of course they would talk about getting back together. Because that had been the deal, hadn't it? Even Sebastian had known that, since that first hangover together. Kurt and Blaine would only break up for as long as they weren't in the same city.
Maybe there was a good reason to still go to Ireland after all. He wouldn't run from the ghosts of all his fuck ups but he could sure as hell still run from the ghost of Kurt, haunting his New York life.
Sebastian waited for another ten minutes for Kurt and Blaine to finish their Skype call, and then entered the apartment to a mischievously grinning Kurt, who immediately pushed Sebastian up against the door, claiming his mouth with heat and skill and warmth.
"I promise you, Sebastian Smythe, that that was only the start of the best summer of your life," Kurt mock-growled. Sebastian let himself fall back into the kiss for a moment longer, and then broke away.
"Kurt, stop for a second. Just. Please. We should probably talk about this summer."
***
A week into the summer, Kurt was still in shock.
It had been a week since Kurt had left New York, on a plane that he and Sebastian were supposed to take back together.
Sebastian had opted to fly back two days after Kurt, saying he hadn't quite finished packing the apartment.
It had been a week and three days since Sebastian had sat Kurt down after his last exam and said it was better off if they didn't spend the summer together. None of the commuting an hour to get to one another, fitting each other around shifts at shops and stuffy family gatherings. Just a clean snap. Kurt and Sebastian the couple could stay in New York, Kurt and Sebastian the people going home separate entities.
It had been ten days, and Kurt was still trying hard not to cry every time something reminded him of Sebastian - which almost his whole life did - or remind him of the summer he was supposed to have with the boy, which was everything that didn't directly remind him of Sebastian. He just didn't understand. Sebastian loved him. Kurt knew that, knew it well despite all the doubts that Rachel and even his dad were trying to put into his head now that he was home. And yet, Sebastian had chosen to cut months off the time they were supposed to have together.
Time where they were going to have finally gotten to spend a whole three days literally only coming out of Sebastian's bedroom for food. Where they were going to slowly work their way through the entire shopping districts of Lima and Westerville. Where they'd get to keep being Kurt and Sebastian for just those few more months.
Time where Kurt was going to convince Sebastian that their relationship was worth salvaging in whatever form possible. Be it long distance, open, or just on pause until Sebastian got back from Ireland. Kurt was going to have had the time to talk Sebastian around.
But suddenly Kurt didn't.
He had been home a week now, though, and he still hadn't had 'that talk' with Blaine. Blaine seemed as anxious to have it already as Kurt was not to. Kurt tried not to think about the fact that Blaine might have his own couple-y summer dreams all laid out in his head, just as unwitting that they were going to be ripped out from under him as Kurt had been. Kurt really hoped not.
So Kurt ordered their coffees, got them to go, and was ready and waiting for Blaine under an awning out the front of the Lima Bean seven days after he landed back in Lima. When Blaine greeted him with a smile and a hug, Kurt returned the favour, but instead of letting Blaine steer him to one of the café tables, directed them to a place slightly more secluded. He wanted to minimise the pain for everyone involved.
They both chattered for awhile, skirting the topic with awkward lunges. They talked more about NYADA - more NYADA, always these days, and Kurt wasn't sure how he'd ever be able to look at something with the NYADA logo on it and not think about the fact that he was only there because Sebastian had made him apply. But finally they landed on the topic of living arrangements, specifically Blaine's in New York, and Blaine could clearly not hold it in any longer.
"Kurt?" he asked, putting down his mostly empty coffee cup next to him on the wooden bench they'd settled, near a small pond. "You know I'm not seeing anyone. Haven't been for at least a month. And there was no one serious basically the whole year. I love you and I am so ready to try and find our relationship again."
Kurt said, "I'm so sorry," and watched the world fall out from under Blaine Anderson.
He followed it with, "I can't," and then wrapped one arm around Blaine and one arm around himself, squished awkwardly together and overheating on the park bench.
Blaine's head was lowered, even if he crept slowly closer into the arm Kurt had around him, and he didn't lift it until his eyes were red and swollen but his cheeks were dry. "Mystery man?" was all he asked.
"Even if he doesn't want our relationship any more," Kurt said, "I still belong to him now. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry." They wiped away at each other's tears until they giggled a little but their skin was raw and painful.
"You'd better tell me about him, now," Blaine eventually said. "One way or another, I'm going to hear about him. And when he comes back for you - which he will, just you wait - I'm probably going to see a lot of him. So you'd better prepare your best friend, hey? So I don't make a fool of myself once I do meet him."
And Kurt started to cry all over again because Blaine was still his best friend, and he was really so perfect in so many ways. "It's Sebastian Smythe," he said. "I'm in love with Sebastian. And he's run away from me and I don't know why."
And Blaine hugged Kurt with his whole body, as best as he could on that awkward wooden bench, and ignored the fact that they were in public. They talked for hours, and when Kurt kissed Blaine on the forehead and said, "I still love you; that will never change," it was true. Because it's not that he'd ever forget Blaine or how to love him. You don't ever lose a part of you that big, that deep. You just keep growing even bigger, until something that once filled your whole heart and spilled out into your chest is dwarfed, an unassuming little nugget of silver all but swallowed in the gold of something larger.
Sebastian had made Kurt feel like that. A hundred times more and filled with gold brighter than sunlight.
***
Sebastian was focused.
The air here was thickened by alcohol, sweet and heavy on his tongue. He was sprawled in the corner of this basement-dark nightclub that was more familiar than it should be for the few times he'd been there. Alcohol does that to him; he remembers tangible things like layouts and furniture but not sensations or faces. But for now, that was irrelevant. He was focused. He was counting. His brain counted the seconds to midnight by following the numbers on his phone screen, his bones by each heavy beat reverberating around the closed space; but his heart counted them by the constant changes in its enclosed little world. One, the muscles that are the edges of its enclosure hauled his ribs up and out; two, air rushed into the changed space; three, muscles pulled his ribs back down; four, a moment of unbearable pressure; five, the air fled. Release. Relief. Cycling again and again, tracking the seconds to midnight by the upheavals of a tiny universe.
Breathe, breathe, release, relief, and it was midnight. He was twenty one but Kurt was now twenty. Sebastian whispered, "Happy birthday, babe," to either the echoes of his mind or the grinding mess of dancers before him. He wasn't entirely sure which, but it didn't matter, because he wouldn't say it to Kurt for hours. He probably shouldn't say it at all.
Sebastian wondered if there would ever be closure; probably not. The universe makes it far too easy for them to find each other time and time again, in the corner of a mind if not a physical presence, exhuming their relationship no matter how far down the grave should have been dug. He'd always tried to compartmentalise, to put his life into chapters. But with Kurt, he can't. It's always just one twisting, twisted stream of emotion.
A friend approached, slipping Sebastian's phone into his pocket and pulling Sebastian from his sprawl, out into the middle of the dance pit. He and Sebastian both moved on from the possibility of each other long ago, Sebastian gone to New York, the friend enraptured by a girl that smells like relief and release. But somehow he and Sebastian always ended up here, alcohol heavy on their tongues and lungs, hips and foreheads pressed together. His hand fisted in Sebastian's hair, bigger than Kurt's but never as tangible; he pressed his mouth to Sebastian's, everything melding. Sebastian's brain stopped thinking and his bones stopped feeling and eventually his mouth became someone else's; but his heart, the exhumer, clung to Kurt's constant while its world raged and roiled.
***
The space was full of the smell of alcohol and heavy dance beats, but awkwardly so; the room knew that this was not its typical purpose, so wore the evening's revelry with discomfort. Kurt was too far gone to care any more, though; he took the discomfort - the room's, his friends', his own - and draped it around him like fine fabrics. As he danced the fabric caught the light, a false glimmer from something that shouldn't be allowed to shine.
Up until twenty minutes ago, it had been his birthday; he was now twenty and a tiny bit closer to Sebastian's twenty one. But they had been free of each other for three weeks now, so he shouldn't care about Sebastian's age in relation to his own. He should have instead been revelling in the fact that his age was the same as that of everyone around him, a whole crowd of wild youth glorying in the free pass to drink whatever is cheap and dance to whatever is playing. Quality was beautifully damned in the hands of teenagers.
And then there was a girl's hand on his arm and a shrill voice in his ear, telling him that they're moving on from his basement now, that they've all gotten fake IDs and they're going to Scandals. Before Kurt could protest - because Scandals, of all places, was going to hurt like hell, and he was already too drunk to keep his emotions held together - he was being bundled into Lima's sole maxi cab.
Any half-baked hopes Kurt had of being turned away at the door for being so obviously too young or too drunk were quickly dashed by the "bouncers" at Scandals, who were just as apathetic and miserable as the last time Kurt was there. So Kurt let his friends bustle him inside and swallowed the drinks they bought him - just a few more to forget that Sebastian and Kurt had ever been in this place together - and then he danced with all of them. If there was one thing Kurt had perfected over the year in New York, it had been the art of drunkenly dancing, and Kurt entertained all of his friends in turn with his somewhat obscene grinding.
But it was all a joke, because none of them were Charlie, none of them were Sebastian, and Blaine declined his turn.
As the world truly started to swirl dangerously and tipped in all sorts of interesting directions, Kurt finally found the bathroom. And he stumbled in, hoping to find an empty stall, only to find a boy on the floor, surrounded by blood and the pieces of a broken beer bottle.
It wasn't a boy Kurt knew but he was still clearly so very, very hurt, so Kurt screamed and people came in, Blaine barrelling in first and then he called in the bouncers who were suddenly looking alert. And then there was an ambulance and Blaine took Kurt outside, trying to hug him or reassure him or something but all Kurt could do was fumble for his phone. Sense memory guided him from there, the way it had every time Kurt was too drunk and in over his head and needed someone to take care of him.
"Sebastian?" he sobbed when the dial tone stopped. "Sebastian, I'm so drunk and there was a boy in the bathrooms and I think he tried to commit suicide and I really, really need you right now."
Sebastian demanded to know where he was, and stuttering between hiccupping breaths, Kurt told him. Kurt drifted in a terrified haze until Sebastian arrived, dishevelled and tired-looking but running concerned hands over Kurt's face and shoulders in a way that almost brought Kurt instantly to his knees, as those of Kurt's friends who were still around watched on in amazement.
And then Sebastian bundled Kurt into his car, even as he got the full story from Tina, and drove them somewhere that Kurt didn't particularly care to know the location of. He figured out it was Sebastian's house soon enough, though, when he was sat against the headboard of a bed that smelled like everything good in the world. Kurt could barely stop himself from faceplanting into the sheets to bury himself in the scent; it was only the sight of Sebastian's face before him that held him upright.
Over what Kurt vaguely realised was probably a very long time Sebastian talked Kurt into drinking a whole water bottle and then coaxed him into telling Sebastian the whole story from Kurt's perspective. At one point Kurt tried to snuggle into Sebastian's body and just sleep the way he had so many other times, and whined in distress when Sebastian wouldn't let him.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," Sebastian said gently, "but for starters, we're not in a relationship any more, so snuggling? Not something you and I do. And also, you're not going to sleep until you've talked that memory away. I'm not letting you lock it into your nightmares instead."
So Kurt stayed up with Sebastian for hours, and they talked about all the inane things they'd each missed over three weeks. Things like Sebastian finally getting that mark back on his essay - a good one, thankfully - and Kurt's skin not being up to the harsh garage conditions after so long away. And then, just as Kurt started to feel sober again, and the Ohio summer sunlight started to make the sky a little bluer on one side, Sebastian asked, "Why did you call me?"
Kurt didn't even have to think at all. "Because you're the safest place on earth that I could ever think of."
Their conversation slowed the more the sun rose and the more Kurt sobered up, Sebastian withdrawing back into the same detached shell he'd used to break up with Kurt back in New York. By the time the sun rose fully and Sebastian called Kurt a cab, they were all but silent, not for a lack of trying on Kurt's part. Sebastian walked Kurt down to the taxi and passed the driver a hundred dollar bill before Kurt could protest, but then stopped Kurt before he could actually get in.
"Look, Kurt, even if we aren't together any more or you have a new boyfriend or whatever," Sebastian started, and didn't let Kurt cut in to protest any of the things he's just said, "I'm still glad you called. Because, at least while I'm around, I still want to be a safe place for you if you're drunk or in danger. Call me and I'll be there if you need me to be." And then Sebastian nodded awkwardly, before pausing, and carefully tipped forward to kiss Kurt's forehead.
"I'll see you around," he said, and then walked back to the front door, where he watched Kurt get into the cab with tears on both their faces, though only Kurt would admit to them.
***
Only a couple of hours after he'd finally sent Kurt on his way home, Sebastian was dragged out a fitful, late-morning sleep by someone viciously abusing his doorbell. His father was somewhere interstate for the weekend, dealing with some sort of multi-state crisis that apparently could not wait until Monday, so Sebastian was forced to answer the door himself when it became clear the intruder was not planning on leaving.
Blaine was on the other side of the door. The boy was neatly dressed as always, and his facial expression was the same, over-practiced calm smile that he so often sported, but there was an angry tilt to Blaine's shoulders that Sebastian hadn't seen before. It was the only thing that stopped Sebastian from slamming the door again the moment he'd seen the gel helmet. Instead, Sebastian grabbed hold of the door handle as if looking for extra support and said, "Look, I don't know how much Kurt remembers of last night right now but I didn't do anything inappropriate with your boyfriend, just calmed his ass down because his drunk mind is used to me. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to hit me and just let me go back to sleep."
Blaine's shoulders hunched even more throughout Sebastian's little spiel, and by the end of it even his composed smile had slipped and turned into a slight scowl. "I don't even know where to start with that, Sebastian," he said. "Can I come in? Just for a moment? This won't take long."
Sebastian muttered, "Somehow, I doubt that," but stepped aside to let Blaine in anyway. He led Blaine to the nearest room with chairs - which happened to be the dining room - and pulled out a chair to sprawl on before waving a hand for Blaine to do the same.
"First of all, Kurt remembers everything from last night, which is part of the reason I'm here; apparently you won't listen to him, just talk at him and then put him in a taxi. Second, Kurt is not my boyfriend."
"Damn, Anderson, you move slower than you used to," Sebastian drawled, trying not to show any of the tension suddenly pulling his frame tight.
"Oh, trust me, it's not from lack of trying," Blaine retorted, waving one hand through the air. "But I knew I was potentially going to lose him forever when I let him go, so I'm trying not to be bitter about it." Blaine looked up from where he'd been regarding the polished surface of Sebastian's mahogany dining table to shoot the older boy a hard look. "You're making it very difficult for me to remain the supportive best friend, though, Sebastian, so consider this me politely requesting that you stop being such a dick."
"Excuse me?" Sebastian asked, shoving a little disbelief into his voice. "What do I have to do with the fact that you've apparently lost the ability to woo even those already slave to your frighteningly large puppy dog stare?"
"Because Kurt turned me down," Blaine snapped, standing up. "He said that he belonged to you, even if you didn't want him any more. So I would appreciate it if you put all of us out of our misery and at least talk to him so he doesn't spend the entire next four years at NYADA wondering why you ran away from him."
Sebastian was still rooted to his seat thirty seconds later when Blaine let himself out. It took him several minutes to gather his thoughts properly; everything had slowed from the moment Blaine said Kurt had turned him down. Slowly, he rose from his chair and wandered back into his bedroom, grinning when he saw a pile of newly-printed papers on his desk, covered with things like flight codes and enrolment instructions for an unfamiliar university. Sebastian picked up the papers, grabbed his car keys and dashed outside the door before he let another single, stupid thing change his mind.
The drive to Lima was torturous, and probably dangerous, with the amount of weaving and speeding Sebastian did to get to Kurt's house. Five minutes out, Sebastian realised he didn't know the exact location of the street Kurt lived on, and thus the last five minutes of his drive were also near-suicidal, as he wrestled with his GPS system as well as the traffic around him.
Sebastian eventually reached Kurt's driveway, and he almost tripped out of his car in his haste to get to the front door, which he then proceeded to abuse in much the same manner that Blaine had his. It only occurred to Sebastian after he heard footsteps coming towards him that Burt Hummel could very well be home, and he'd almost turned to run away, figuring it was better he came back later and at least lived long enough to talk to Kurt one last time.
But then Kurt opened the door, eyes red-rimmed, looking very wan, and so very precious. And the first thing Sebastian did was take Kurt into his arms, not even bothering to move from the doorstep.
"Sebastian?" Kurt squeaked, trying to wiggle free of the arms that had just locked around him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"You're going to be so angry with me," Sebastian said, smiling down at Kurt. "You were right. I am an idiot." Kurt folded his arms, drawing attention to the NYU logo across his chest. Sebastian's smile turned into a grin. "Oh, you're going to be so mad. But, before I say anything else, just so you know: I love you."
"I love you too. But I'm starting to get the impression you're drugged, so maybe you should come inside before someone snatches you off the street," Kurt said, and tugged Sebastian into the hallway, closing the door behind him. "Now. Why am I going to be mad at you? Besides the obvious, that is."
"Uh, I broke up with you because I thought you were going to leave me for Blaine this summer?"
The screech Sebastian gained in response was not entire audible to his ears. The rain of slaps he received to his chest and shoulders, though, he definitely felt. And Kurt? Was still super hot when he was angry.
Hours later, Kurt had screamed out all his rage, which Sebastian bore meekly, and then had silently cried for half an hour while he'd talked, which Sebastian did not bear at all. He'd then let Sebastian dismantle him in tiny increments, each piece handled with delicacy, stripping out all the memories of the summer so far in the process. It was only when they had both been put back together again for the third time by soothing, gentle kisses that Sebastian led Kurt back into the hall to gather the pieces of paper he'd dropped there.
Then they sat down at the computer, Kurt on Sebastian's lap, and Sebastian settled his hand on the mouse. Kurt covered Sebastian's hand with his own, matching the slightly larger hand finger for finger, and it was Kurt's hand that guided the pair of them through the steps necessary to cancel all of Sebastian's flights, his enrolment at Trinity and his student accommodation there.
"So," Sebastian said, turning Kurt in his lap until he could press his forehead to Kurt's temple and kiss slowly down his jaw. "How long will it be until I redeem myself?"
"For all that? Eons," Kurt said flatly, getting to his feet and pulling Sebastian with him, only to topple both of them onto the bed. "But you can start with the grovelling later. For now I just want to cuddle."
Sebastian pressed Kurt into the mattress, and then kissed at the neck of the t-shirt, the hollow of his throat, and each of Kurt's eyelids. And then, when Kurt was sleeping, he let himself get caught up in it all for just a moment, and wrote in perfect, sloping letters down the inside of Kurt's forearm, You're spending the rest of everything with Sebastian.